My bf's daugther........

2 parts to it.... 1stly, what the person themselves think. 2ndly, what their parents think.

Many people do not want the trouble of marrying someone their parents oppose or will invite gosships amongst relatives.

Frankly, ask yourself how many of your don't have family and relatives that would oppose and discriminate? This is the reality.

For sure, there are those the wouldn't mind.
 


No, I wouldn't mind. But, its definitely a big factor for consideration of getting in a marriage with the financial commitment on the children already. And I would have to be very careful to protect the spouse from my own mother.

I doubt anyone with such history will be able to tolerate my mum's discrimination behavior.
 
doll,

i always tell my bro to leave his divorced gf who has a kid in tow.

because the kid is very ill-behaved and rebellious towards my brother.

the girlfriend is an ok person. just that she is perenially very torn and stressed trying to strike a balance between my bro and her son. there is nothing wrong with her, just that i think my bro deserves more and better.
 
This is the natural thinking of the family. That, he/she deserves someone better.

But, happiness is something the individual pursue themselves. We choose our own walk towards the life and happiness we want.
 
May, the kid is ill-behaved in general, not just toward your brother, right? How old is he?

My sister has a male friend whose wife died and left him with 4 kids. Even though he has a good job he can't find a gf. Frankly, I can accept a man with 1-2 kids but 4 is coming to a handful!
 
Hi

We brought that little kid out again this week. After last week incident, I am a little apprehended and sensitive towards her behaviour and words. We went to the zoo. Everything went fine from picking her up and on the way to the zoo. She is super happy when she knew that we are going to the zoo and rattled out a list of her favourite animals. I also asked her how is her week just passed and told me about a birthday party of one of the child at the CC and I asked her whether she would like to the same for her birthday? She nodded but told me her mom might no be free to do it for her, I told her its ok, we can asked papa to do it, she immediately give me a million dollar smile…then I asked…can I come too?...she immediately said yes, hmm…I felt a little relieve then, her attitude is not as hostile as last week and she even don’t mind me joining her party, of course, kids are kids, what they have said might not really mean anything but at least subconsciously, she is treating me as another jie jie that she can get along with. She was quite talkative that day.

After spending quite sometime walking around the zoo, we sat down to have our lunch. I saw she is perspiring and took out a tissue to wipe the sweat from her forehead and neck. While I am doing that she was oblivious to what I am doing and just munching away her burger…looking at her, I have a feeling arising from inside me that make me want to hug her, then, I realized my bf is back from washroom and standing there staring at me. I asked him why he is staring at me like that, he told me jokingly that because I am beautiful. I was enjoying this sweet moment when suddenly she said no, mommy is prettier, I was blur for a short while and don’t know how to reply her…but how can I forget the people here always tell me to be nice to her and said nice things about her mom…so I told her, ok ok, your mom is the prettiest, she is second and I am third ok?....and she said, no, papa third and you last…wah i felt alittle sour liao…but when I think back, she at least is not excluding me from her inner circle of closest people and I think it’s a positive sign.(it need a lot of positive thinking to think this way). I said ok ok and I laughed together with my bf. I then asked her whether she would like to stay with papa….she shake her head and said she want to stay with both of them…but I told her that papa now cannot stay with mommy and who she preferred to stay with…this time round she never asked why cannot stay together but think awhile and said mommy….i asked her why and didn’t she love papa…she said yes but mommy is alone but papa has another woman. I don’t know whether she understand I am the ‘another woman’ but when she saying that she was not directing at me but saying it as if a matter of fact…and it is another woman and not bad woman. I looked at my bf and he looked at me, I then told her she is right and she must take good care of mommy (hi guys, I really hope that you all are right about saying nice thing about her mom), she nodded her head. I looked up and saw my bf looking at me in a weird way but I can sense his appreciation and love. May be I have been good and nice to her for the past months, she is getting used to have me around her daddy and although her mom is poisoning her mind but I guess my effort has not gone to waste. I notice she will naturally hold my hands while walking or crossing the road. At the end of the day, she is tired and we took turn to carry her. In the car, she was sleeping sounding in my arms and wave to me when her daddy carried her back to her house.

This outing is special to me, it came after last week incident and after I post my problem in this forum. I try to reflect on myself and what all of you have to say. I admit I may have overlooked the bond between a child and her mom. I met up with my god sister last Friday and told her my problem and got a tick off from her when she heard what I have to say. She is a mother of one. She told me that the worst deed is to separate a child from her mother and told me just try to be the kid best friend or aunty. I respect her lot because she has been there for me a few times when I have problems and she is the few that never condemn me on my relationship with my bf.

Hi, Milo

I would like to thank you for sharing your personal experience as kid with a divorced parent. It makes me understand what a kid is going through under such situation and I should not add onto their burden. From this outing and conversation with her, I guess she loves both her parents very much and she is torn between them in this whole issue. She is also a lonely kid that needs a lot of love and encouragement. Like you said, I hope she grows up and understand that I am not the bad woman she thought I was and things happen in life.

Hi, Hope

I empathy with your situation but I cannot said the same for his ex-wife or I will not be able to love my bf as it is now. I try not to think/know too much about his ex-wife’s situation because I do not want to feel guilty or sympathy, to me, love is selfish and possessive. I said the wife has ulterior motive because since they have separated, to me, his ex-wife is no difference from any other woman just that they are linked because of the kid. They were married for 7 years and she has the ample of time and opportunity to make the marriage work, why now? Since you have agreed on separation and given up on the marriage, its only fair that you move on and not harbour any hope of patching up again? Isn’t it too late and a little hypocrite? I am not sure about your case but I am not a 3rd party and if their marriage is strong, no matter how many gals are there, it will never able to shake them rite? Who to blame?

Its still early days and I don’t know how thing will develop concerning the kid but one lesson I take away from this incident is that I will respect the bond between a child and her mother and will just try to be her best friends. Thank you all for your advice, comments, scolding and the ‘how dare you’.
 
Hi Lynn, don't worry, she will grow up... She is a kid and will do what kids do. I laughed at what you described to about the gal's answers. Indeed, they are this pure and frank in thoughts.

You will need all the patience and understanding to stand by your decision. Its a long walk. Take care.
 
u're on the rite track... keep working on it
happy.gif
 
Doll,

the kid is generally ill-behaved but a bit more so to my brother. he is in P1.

my family is very traditional. my parents expect children and juniors to respect them as elders. they do not know what to make of this brat when he comes to our house with no regard for them. he doesnt remove his shoes at the doorstep until he is reminded to and whines about wanting to watch cartoons in the living room when my parents are watching channel 8.

if he were well-behaved and respectful, my parents would have tolerated his presence in the least.

but now, not only is he the extra-tag-along of my bro's gf, he is an ill-behaved one to match. so it is very confusing what approach to adopt with respect to such a child. antagonism seems the easiest and most obvious route to take.

in summary, his ill-behavior has erected a wall between my bro, our family and his gf/ her situation. now is not a question about love but whether it is worth it or not. when my mum gets upset and angry when the kid wears his shoes into his house, how to compensate her emotions? her emotions are loaded with complex and multiple layers of resentment, "why is my son shouldering on an extra burden, why do i have to face this bratty child just because of my son's poor decision? and what is the bratty kid's relationship to me, why am i obliged to extend my hospitality to him"

it is just NOT worth it, especially considering that there are other nice girls out there with no such baggage.
 
Lynn,

keep up the good work. the more you (sincerely) compliment the child's mum to her, the more you commend yourself to her. once you see her favorable response, you are on the way to building a trusting relationship to her.

aim to become someone who, even if your relationship with your bf doesnt work out, will be remembered by the child fondly. good job!
 
May, whether it is worth it or not is not for you to decide. But, your parents do not need endure the little boy's nonsense. Until a point that he can behave himself, your bro just have to find ways to minimize the need to bring him home.
 
Milo,

i would love to have the chance to say to the kid,"You get out of our sight until you know how to behave"

but the thing is, his brattiness is pervasive in his attitude but is hard to pin down to any specific behavior. i give you an example.

sometimes my mum and i are commenting to each other about something (something on tv, or the food we were cooking) he would blurt out, "what are you talking about?"

not wrong or rude per se of him to ask, but just unlovable in the sense that he assumed that he would be welcomed to join in the conversation when it wasn't open to him. just damn unlovable.
 
yeah... just be naturally sincere towards the child; she def could feel your love from time to time. and yep, children are frank and pure with their thoughts. so you gotta continue to deal with that, and be receptive to certain thoughts that might sound negative.

May, yes... i agree that this kid is ill-behaved. but at the same time, i believe he is craving for more attention due to certain reasons. well can understand that it takes alot of adjustments for families but if the gf is a nice match for your bro, i think it beats other single ladies (without children) at the other side of the spectrum.
 
Doll,

my brother has an innocent and pure heart. all he wants is for everyone to interact and be friends, for us to be one big family. he doesnt understand the nuances in human relationships like how i describe my mum's reactions.

in fact, he gets quite mad at us if we talk bad about the kid. he says, "why are you so petty to get mad over a small child?"

that is the way he is. he is kind and childlike at heart, so he doesnt have the same perspective as my mum and i on this issue.

only time will tell.
 
Maybe you or your mom can tell him to bring gf and kid home when there is an occasion, instead of on a regular basis like weekly.
 
yes, you are right.

sometimes i think, my poor brother, what did he do to deserve to be an unappreciated stepfather. but matters of the heart who is to say what is right or wrong. sigh ...
 
Hi May, when you shared about the kid disrupting your conversation with your mother, I wonder what's the big deal? This is how kids are like. Especially with boys, they are instinctively insensitive to others emotions. Almost all boys grow up this way. I was a nightmare to my parents and siblings as well. Kids will be kids. They are not going to be well mannered, appreciative etc. Parenting is as such.

And every single kid is different. We look at the kid with the expectation of how a kid would behave. What's so poor thing about that? As long as he is happy, why do you need to feel so sayang and pitiful for your brother?
 
Milo,

that is why i said it is a subtlety. there is nothing strictly wrong when he 'attempted' to join the conversation. the problem is with his overall attitude - he was too at ease with himself and the way he behaved in our home, as if he were at his own grandparents. a guest who doesn't keep his distance.

but then again, he is a child. children are like that, or they wont be children. i like children who are cute and charming and have a suitable level of shyness when they go to other people's houses, not one who doesnt seem to know or care who the host is.

would you be genuinely happy for your sibling if you were in my shoe, Milo? no vague feeling that your brother is in a buy one get one free 'scam'?
 
May, for sure, I would be concerned. This was the point I shared about too this morning. Its completely normal to feel this way.

But, no, I will not find him so poor thing at all. As long as he is genuinely happy with it. I will not see the child as a baggage at all. There is no scam, your brother willingly accept her including her child. She didn't conceal that fact either. So, I duno why you persistently refer her child as a burden and baggage. That suggestion that its a scam reflects the negativeness displayed which is irrational and unfair. And you know it deep inside.

We all have our prejudice. No one is completely neutral and impartial. But, let's be honest with ourselves. Don't push that prejudice as others' fault or something. Your bro agree to a relationship with this woman fairly. There is no deception. And any such emotions should be rationalized by the family members themselves and not imposed on the sibling. He doesn't have to give up his happiness to please you. How would you feel if he gives up his happiness and true love for his family.
 
possibly now i dont have my own family that is why i am so obsessed with my parents and siblings.

you know, people may be happy - happily taken advantage of. then they wake up too late to realise it. i made some mistakes in the past too, and i wished that people around me had slapped me then to wake me up so that i didnt do what i did. so now im doing unto others what i wish was done to me ...
 
Your brother may be thinking

"My poor sister.. no children even to irritate her"

regardless, a little difficult for siblings to interfere with children affairs. Unless you are very close to your brother..

Before I was married, I discipline my sister's children as well. No questions asked. My sister never question.
 
May, if you have a child now, would you like your child to be treated as a burden by others? Its basically looking at the same thing from different pov.

As sibling, no matter how close, you can only advise and discourage. You cannot decide for him and should respect his decision.
 
I don't really believe in this world there is a 100% equal thingy.

You may see it as taking advantage.. but it is how the people involved in it - how they see it is more important.

Like when I was dating a much younger woman last year - almost all my friends (especially woman) would try to tell me that I would be cheated. Quite laughable because I was treated like a little boy.. They have their good intentions but I just tell them to shut-up.
 
SM,

very shiok hor .... envy ...

Milo,

i can read the subtleties of relationships too well. people are born equal but not all relationships are equal. not all treatment is equal. that's why if i had a child, i would not dare to have much expectations. i can only demand myself to work out a good life for both of us, but i do not really expect others to have much compassion towards me or the child. i mean it.
 
May, when u say others... it would apply to friends and colleagues or family and especially spouse?

To me, with a spouse, its not about having high expectations. Its a basic requirement to accept who the person is. Without that, its always a struggle. It is absolutely key. For sure, the scope of potential mates is a reduced one. But, we only need the ONE. And its better without one than to settle for someone that discriminates against you.
 
Sometimes we look at other's people children, especially our siblings.. we can only shake our head?

Unless we are given the mandate to interfere, else there is really no point getting uptight over it.

Maybe you can ask your brother if it is ok for you to discipline the brat. Then walk over and give him a slap the next time he misbehaves. I think he will surely behave in front of you the next time..

ha ha
 
"But, we only need the ONE. And its better without one than to settle for someone that discriminates against you."

Milo, you sound like Scope here! Haha.

Anyway, I agree with you that it is better to be alone than to settle for someone who actually "hiam" you. But at the same time I understand the loneliness of my divorced gfs with kids. One of them has dated different men and so far she met one nice guy who could accept the package but she felt no chemistry between them. The 1-2 men whom she has chemistry with are not interested in commitment with a woman with two kids in tow.
 
Sometimes I wonder.. how lonely can it be? It is really all in the mindset.

If they open their minds, it may not be that bad.
 
im not a mother. but i thought that mothers could get very consumed about their children? don't we all know some mother out there who is so preoccupied with her offspring it is as if she worships/ eats/ breathes/ drinks them.

so how to be lonely like this? i would imagine if i were a divorced mum with children, i would be too preoccupied to think about getting a bf. better to be a single mum than to get some sub-standard fellow to give oneself headache and heartache over.
 
Mothers being all too-consumed by their children is not very healthy. We are an individual. We need to have our won space and time. Granted children are important to us - but they are not 100% of us.

We should care for them to the best of our ability but not be 100% consumed by them. If we are not happy as an individual, it would be difficult to give them true happiness.
 
"Sometimes I wonder.. how lonely can it be? It is really all in the mindset."

SM, May, she's Malaysian and S'pore PR. Her parents and siblings are either in Malaysia or NZ. Her ex-hb practically left the two kids (one of them has special needs) entirely to her care, and only meets the children once a week for 1-2 hours. No more. A few years ago she discovered she had cancer. When her MIL from Malaysia visits the children, she talks to the domestic helper and a neighbour as if it is my friend's fault that the husband left for another woman. I guess she feels lonely as she has to deal with all these herself.

And May, mothers should have their own lives too. It's not all about children. It's nothing wrong for mothers to want a balanced life, to want love from a man.
 
what i mean to ask is, before her illness has she bought a health insurance plan for herself plus a life insurance plan to protect her dependents (the two kids) upon demise

anyway, what stage is she now? is she coping well?
 
It was stage 2 cancer and she went for op plus chemo. She looks ok now and is currently working to give better care for the little one with special needs.
 
Her situation is different.. Not loneliness per se. She has an illness now to cope. Of course it is not easy..

She intends to make arrangement for the children to be with ex-hb.. in the worse case scenario?
 
He has his own family now. He has never touched Kid No. 2 ever since she was diagnosed with special needs at one year old. He likes Kid No. 1 as she resembles him. But he will not care for them if she "goes". She's banking on her MIL (that's why she puts up with her nonsense) but she is also getting old.

When they were still in separation and she was still recuperating from cancer, he didn't want the kids to go to him. No negotiation.
 
is there some kind of legally binding contract for women to enter before they agree to have children with their husbands. some kind of a contract to enforce the mother's right to insist on the father's care of the children?

we have pre-nup agreements. i think we need pre-child-conception agreements.

what is the world coming to. this story is so sad i feel like crying
 
SM, you mean got people adopt special needs children? Mind you, she will live to ripe old age like anyone of us. But she doesn't know how to take care of herself on a daily basis.
 
In SG pre-num agreements is not binding.

Legally, the father has to maintain the child. In the event if the mother is not around, the father won't be able to run away for sure.
 
Yes, SM, but she will æ­»ä¸æ˜Žç›® knowing that he doesn't really love them. The current wife of her ex-hb is also very possessive, and limits the visitation to that 1-2 hours per week. He is likely to push the children to his mother if my friend goes.
 
doll, i think if you and your friend are pretty close, you might want to ask her if she got insurance coverage on her kids in case she goes untimely ...
 
May, she has. But it is not about the money. It is love and care for the children. OK, no. 1 will grow up and become independent, but not no. 2.
 


doll,

but when she was pregnant with the second one, no inkling that the second one would turn out to have special needs?

she could have chosen to abort if she had known then. such heartbreaking prospects to face now ...
 
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