My bf's daugther........


enxuan

New Member
hi, everyone. i can see where u all coming from. Btw, im not living with the little girl atall . her clothes? well, i bought them from paragon. decent blouse with sweet little pink hearts. n her biological mum while visiting her say to MIL, size nt fitting n went to change to spahggetti tops, which is her biological mum fav.

i dont choose to give birth to her. she is not my responsibility. n to be fair, when i choose to be in this relationship, i dun even know her existance until much later into the relationship. her mum shd bear all these insults from u all n nt me. she is the one who bring her ard when baby n 1 yrs old plus to her frequent trips to her affair's home. thats is wAd my MIL find out last time. the girl is under my hubby mums care n not us. my hubby n me r living w my own family. n mind whoever says i shd put up my child for adoption. cos u have no rights to say this. cos my son is nt gg to be educated this way. i as a mom n choose to give him a life to this world, his future is my responsibility. im gg to delicate all mu love n time solely to him. my husband family brought up is wad the result of his daughter, scolding vulgarities n stuff at such a young age. therefore, i already make it clear to my hubby, i wont allow my son to be staying at their place n follow the girl's foot step.

Her life might be ruin now, but not my son. frankly, i dun haven that time, that responsibility, that generousity n that love to care for her. her one life ruin is better than i divorce my husband n my son ruin. thats why i dont care... i let it be for the mum to teach n care. its true im selfish, i dont choose to give birth to her. sorry to be so offensive as im still angry n hatred for the mum is still very strong.

i already tell my hubby straight, if need be... i will choose divorce if his family or hubby himself to going to set a bad example to my son.

Taking care of my own son is gg to be a headache n not easy, do u think i will have time for that one girl who is nt my own ? But the thorn in my flesh? why shd i sacrifice time for my son for the girl? im not a God or GuanYin... My heart cant be that open n forgiveness is nt easy for me... sorry
 

infojunkie

Active Member
i think ur son needs to be genetically modified in order for him to be a good citizen in this country.

he has BAD genes.
 

almax

New Member
En Xuan - glad to know that you understand maternal love. it may be difficult to ask you to treat her like your own flesh and blood, and reading from what you have said, it's quite clear you do not have such a kind heart. but don't forget, you may not be wrong to say she is not your responsibility (long way to argue and make you the point, i guess) but NO DOUBT, she is your husband's responsibility, before he married you and after. there is no way you could change this, so why need to be so cruel as to strategise how to pull your husband and his family away from a helpless little gal?

Be kind to others and you will receive kindness!! Do some good deeds to start earning merits for your boy, since you didn't seem to be doing any previously!
 

simpleman

Active Member
en xuan,

In the first place, what forgiveness are you talking about?

No matter what, the child is innocent.

Just imagine. If you pass away suddenly leaving your son with your hb and he re-marries. So you wish the step-mother to your son will not treat your son well?

Whether you like it or not.. you are going to be a step-mother.. if you love your hb, you have to treat his daughter well - not as well as you are going to treat your son - but at least, be decent.
 

enxuan

New Member
theres nth i wish or i want... i already gone thru alot of unhappiness n pain. i jus dun want anything more to do with her and her mother. i jus wan her to go... to go away from my life. back to her own mum. since she gt the ability n choose to have another child with her man, she shd take her back if she can. i jus wan no more traces n shadows of them anymore. i dont ask for more. i dont need to be known or labelled as a virture wife or kind woman. im jus a simnple woman who wants to live in my own life n possible be happy with what i have will do.

im so angry n full of hatred. im already glad that i dont do anything to harm her in my uncontrolable pain. maybe u can all really be so kind hearted n forgiving. but, i really cant. sometimes seeing her will jus wan to make me walk away from all these ... i already dont feel the same for my husband. i even tore up my marriage cert. i threw away my ring... from all these pain n saddness he give me. my child need d marriage cert for reg, but i dun even wan to do it... cos i can nv forget the day i tore it up n the reason for it. i find it meaningless to make another one jus for reg...

i already so unhappy myself. i am always depress in my pregnancy which i feel guilty for my son. i dont this is gg to affect him or not... how do u think i shd still have the heart to care for her? when her mum make me sooooo hurt?

Think for me.

Maybe u find it easy to preach than to do. im tearing while u all reply all these for me to reply u. But, nobody truely can understand what one goes thru unless u experience it urself. d u think i want to choose this path? thats y i reply to TS , so she will see my pain n not walk my path, which i regretted.

if i have a choice, i will choose to be a princess in my daddy eyes always n have my studies aboard . Marry a guy who has no wife before n always believe that im gg to be his one n only wife in his lifetime. Bear him a child and have a happy family. Give my parents no pain, no tears no diasppointment for marrying a divorcee w a commitement n lose myself n lose my smile n lose my studies n hopes. i forfeited my studies aboard which already paid n my parents r very upset over it.
 

almax

New Member
En Xuan - think in the 1st place, it's your choice right? so, you should not be affected by your husband's ex-wife's actions, let alone directing your anger towards the little gal? she is not the one to match-make you and lands you where you are today, she is also not the one whom bad-mouth you. if you really so angry with what the mother said, talk to her directly, but why direct your frustrations on a child? remember, whatever happens between the adults are adults' affairs, nothing to do with children!
 

simpleman

Active Member
en xuan,

You chose it yourself.. who to blame?

The girl is hb's daughter. You can't change this fact as much as you don't like to be involved with her.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"d u think i want to choose this path"

"i already dont feel the same for my husband... i even tore up my marriage cert. i threw away my ring... from all these pain n saddness he give me"

oh no, dun play the victim card...

u do it to urself ok.

*shake head*
 

matka

Member
Enxuan

"The terms of the divorce is
- joint custody for 3 yr old girl,
- no alimony for wife HL(for wad she can claim? Pregnant with another man's child, dun think she gt the guts to ask as well)
- Care n control under husband(J)."

Funny how it is such that your husband got the care and control of the daughter, and yet left her in the care of the grandmother. Seriously, if he was never interested in her welfare, why bother seeking joint custody?

If both parents were never interested in her, it would have been better to give her up for adoption.

As for you, you're not a 3-year old. You're the one who made all the choices. It infuriates me that young lives including your soon-to-be born child are subject to such irresponsible adults.
 

ajumma

New Member
En Xuan,

When a child does something like this:

"My worries is , at such a young age, she is like her mum . Lying to people, heavy attention seeker (following u everywhere n throw things ard when u tell her no), stand in front of the mirror keep combing hair, wear sppagatti straps, wear short n mini skirts when we wear jeans for her she will change again, enjoy playing with her own private part n touch my husband's penis. And pulling up her skirts in public n putting man hands at her private part."

It is a sign that somebody in the family is possibly sexually abusing her.

You should find out more about this. Is there any other males in the family? Does her mother let her boyfriends touch her daughter?

Sorry to be frank. But I feel that the girl's behaviour shows that something is very wrong in her family environment. It is probably not your fault, because you only joined her family now. Perhaps it is her mum's problem.

If you wish to let her be brought up in a proper way and not do those actions that disturb you and your hubby, you can pm me her contact.

I will refer her to someone who can assist her.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi En Xuan,

Why didn't you choose to be a princess?

I chose to be one. Although I can't predict the future, life is so good so far.

Hopefully, your hubby be better worth it. That his love for you can help you cope with the unhappiness.
 

ajumma

New Member
En Xuan,

To add on to my earlier post, if you're uncomfortable with sharing personal contact with outsiders, may I suggest that you and your husband bring the daughter to a polyclinic for a psychiatric assessment?

Tell the doctor the details about the girl's behaviour and that you wish to find out if there's any way to correct it.

As a former teacher, I assure you that little girls do not behave like that.

I am sure you and your husband are also very troubled about his daughter's abnormal behaviour.

As your son is about to be born soon, I would suggest both of you take some actions to find out what is the problem with his daughter before you give birth.

Although she is not your child, she is your husband's daughter. It is his legal responsibility to her as a father. If you do not do anything about it now, one day, it will become your problem and will affect your son's growing up environment.

Even if you send the girl back to his ex-wife, he is still the father. Anything bad happens to her, people will still come and look for him. Better for you to correct the behaviour problem now, bring her to see a doctor.
 

enxuan

New Member
Tks for ur addvise, Ajumma. will take note n suggest to my hubby later when he comes home.

Albee - tks for being positive n gives me something to smile for. M really glad to at least see someone who can help me to think n feel happy.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
U r just looking for someone to support u n not tell u that ur mentality is wrong..

I just pictured this scenerio:

son: mum, who's that girl staying at grandma's house
mother: oh, that's ur dad's daughter
son: so that means she's my sister. Y aren't she staying w us then?
Mother: cuz I'm not her mother n I'm not responsible for her so I dun want her to stay w us...

Think of the kind of family/kinship education ur son is gg to get.. No matter how much love n attn u r gg to shower him, he's gg to become a self-centred person cuz that's the environment that u will put him through..

Since it's making u so sick to mother ur stepdaughter n u dun feel the same for ur husband anymore cuz u r no longer the happy person u used to b, y not consider leaving him? In that way it'd b beneficial to all parties involved..

There's always a way out, it's only a matter of whether u want to explore it...

But taking it out on a 3-yr old, it makes u a loser. U already know u r gg to b a stepmum from e day u agreed to e marriage.. Either do ur responsibility or get the hell out of their lives!
 

nichie

Member
I sympathised with the little girl but I felt En Xuan is wrongly ‘accused’ by most people. Does marrying a divorced man with kids automatically make you a step mother of the kids and be responsible for them? I don’t think so because her mother is still around, the responsibilities lies with their natural parents. I read some contradiction here, in lynn’s case, people are telling her not to interfere with issues between her bf and ex-wife including the kid but now people are accusing En Xuan for not interfering although the kid has a mother and not staying with En Xuan. En Xuan can show concern about the girl’s condition but the fault definitely don’t lie with her. She definitely has the right to refuse to be the step-mother and not to take care of her since the girl’s mother is still around, infact, she has no right whatsoever over the girl. I think we must understand her situation, heavily pregnant, having her own kid soon, difficult past with her hubby, belligerent ex-wife, etc it will be difficult to teach and care for a child when her natural mother is trying to destroy what she is trying to do. EnXuan has discovered the girl weird behaviour and I am sure her parents too but why they never take any actions? Both parents are simply irresponsible and careless about the welfare of their own girl, they are too busy with their new found relationship to think about the girl. I was appalled by the action of both parents by having new baby with their new partners while leaving their girl to fence for herself. The girl is an innocent victim and En Xuan can take care and show concern to the girl out of humanity (and I hope she will) but if she doesn’t, can we blame her for that?
 

almax

New Member
Outcast - I dun think EnXuan has been wrongly "accused". Do read what she has written: "I want my baby to replace his daughter in time to come. i know saying this is very selfsih, but, the woman ask for it. Bcos of her daughter, i have to face sleepless nights and cried and suffer depression. Initially, my pregnancy thruout, i cried and no aprretite till my baby is small n light weight. finally, i tell myself. Luckily, my baby is a boy.. Its my winning card in the presence of my in laws. As they are more old fashion. After baby born, i will let them interact with the baby n share their attention for my child. So, in time to come, the loss of the little girl will serve lesser or no impact for the family and my husband."

I dun blame her for not seeing her step daughter as her responsibility but she is definitely directing her anger towards the child, which is incorrect. Shouldn't she as adult and a mother-to-be keep children out of their fights? Quite clearly she is protective over her own boy, and is natural as maternal instinct, but strategising to pull her husband and his family away from the step-daughter is something else (and note that she is even planning this though she dislikes her MIL so much). There is clear intent of taking revenge on the gal's mum by making her daughter suffer. But truth is, does it really matter to the gal's mum? In my opinion, Enxuan's mind is rather twisted, and I definitely hope it's just a passing phrase due to the stress she is facing now.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"Does marrying a divorced man with kids automatically make you a step mother of the kids and be responsible for them?"

Depends. Each couple must work out an arrangement that they are comfortable with bringing up a child. But in En Xuan's case, neither her husband nor the ex-wife is interested in the daughter's life. So I don't expect that she wants to get involved in the little girl's life in a big way. Unfortunately, the result of these is, the little girl lives in a dysfunctional family situation.
 

almax

New Member
doll - if i am not wrong, by law, she is officially the step mother, but "responsibility" is subjective.

The child has already very little love and attention from her natural parents, so at least dun want to be responsible, but also dun make her lose more right?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Almax, I am aware but if the natural father and mother don't give a damn about the daughter, what can we expect the stepmother to do??? The state of dysfunctionality in the family is not the doing of just the stepmother.

But I do agree that En Xuan is attributing most of her unhappiness to the daughter, assigning her the blame. This is bad and also useless. She doesn't seem any happier now (got the man) than before. It's wishful thinking that she will be very happy when her son is born.

Her situation is one of a big irony. Why marry a man living a dysfunctional life then hope for normalcy? Looks like she will have to learn it the hard way that things don't happen just because we hope big.
 

almax

New Member
doll - not expecting her to help in her case, but at least just dun make worse the situation for the gal. also didn't blame her for the gal's current situation, only asking her to at least treat her as a "normal" 3-year-old child with conscience. dun contribute or be constructive is her choice, but dun be destructive. you are so right to say that the gal is already in a dysfunctional family, but at least for now, she still has her father for 3 hours a week (subject to EnXuan's mercy) and her grandma's concern. If EnXuan continues to indulge in her "vengeance" on the gal, what will be left for the gal?

I agree that her situation is rather pitiful also, but taking pity on her does not help her, just hope that she will soon get over it and stop thinking of robbing the child's happiness (no matter how little left).
 

almax

New Member
EnXuan - maybe in your current situation, it's not easy to let go, but think of it this way:

Someone slapped you hard on the face, you walked away feeling angry and unjust, then you saw her 3yr old child fell down on the ground. You didnt walk over and helped her up, in fact, you were smiling in your heart. There is no need to walk over and step on her little fingers to crash them further.
 

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