Maintaining a healthy marriage, how to?

Cremechoc

Member
Having problems with hb lately but this may have been sitting around for sometime. Hb has been complaining that I don't communicate much with him and I wonder what exactly a man wants. It seems to me, I have not done enuff and whatever I do is not right. I gave my hb plenty of personal space n freedom to hang out with his friends, I don't control him, I will cook during weekends as he love me cook, every evening after work, we only chat on n off while watching tv n plays with hps, I kept my sms short or close to none when during his peak period at work so as not to disturb. I could say I'm quite a chill wife and keep myself occupied. But I think what I've done actually gg to kill our marriage.

He felt that I don't take him as soul mate and always kept things to myself, I don't share my thoughts until he has to ask. I do admit I'm poor in communicating and I don't share 100% thinking that they r not impt matters or matters that I don't want to stress him. For e.g. I used to complain to him about work, and he felt that I had complain too much and he's quite sick of them, or if I told him I'm still at ofc working late but feeling unwell, but still got to complete my work,he said I'm adding additional stress to him. At times we will get into arguments during discussion as he said I always get agitated when he said anything negative. Hmm.. I may hv raised my voice subconsciously to be more expressing but many times, I wasn't angry at all. Through these, naturally I do not dare to express further afraid getting into arguments. . Now this is the real problem. I pissed him off few days ago just before he went outstation and since he has been ignoring me and said our marriage is a failure. He had sound off wanting to leave me and said he has been suffering. How can I make communication works? He's coming back tomorrow, How should I face him? I'm so scared he will just pack n leave the house.

We are actually planning for children but currently kiv due to our overwhelming work lately. He has been working more than 16 hrs daily and through out weekends. His reactions was actually quite sudden but I do admit I'm at fault. I am really in deep shit.. and how Can I learn to improve?
 


Cremechoc

Member
I'm actually tearing apart now as the worst I expected came true. He actually changed his flight and returned a day ahead but he did not came home. Instead he stayed over at his sis house and came back this morning. He was quite shock to see me ard as he tot I had left for work. We still chat as norm and he even asked to go for dinner. I couldn't make it as I'm working late therefore have no chance to gave it a miss. Juat as I tot everything gg well and he May have sorted things out, nv did I expect that he actually packed his stuff and left. Before he left, he dropped a sms that he won't be back tonite and we will talk tomorrow, so if it's just a night, why packed? Standby in case if he's not coming back? I'm so lost now and what can I do?

I wanna seek marriage counseling for assistance, anyone has recommendation? What can I do to make him return? Felt my dying. ..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi there,

seeking marriage counseling might be useful. However, the very first part is the common understanding and commitment to make it work. you can search through this forum and others for counselors. Do not fear differences and disagreements. You guys are different and it is completely natural to have a differing and even conflicting views sometimes. The worst thing you can do is try to run away from your problems, nothing gets solved, resentment accumulate as it becomes a vicious cycle.

If either of you are emotional during disputes, take time off but there is a need to reconcile after. This is when both are calm and more receptive to feedback, that's the time you guys can reflect, understand each other better and grow together. If you shut down completely and do not even want to revisit the episode, there is nothing learnt. This is why the relationship is reaching the point of giving up.

You may be introvert and uncomfortable to share without getting too emotional, then write letters to him and ask him to also write to you. Sometimes it is better because, with snail mails, it gives you guys time to absorb and think over what is said before reacting. When somethings are confusing and frustrating, give that benefit of the doubt, explore to understand from the other person's stand. Even if it is completely wrong to you at first impression.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Hi Milo, thank you for replying. Much appreciated your advice. Yeah, I had shut off communications whenever there's an issue and rather escape from them. I didn't realise its big issue now as I tot compensations in other ways helps. We are supposed to meet this evening but he changed it to next week as he wanted both of us to cool down first as can have a fruitful talk and not coming up with any childish act. We were msging each other through out but I only managed to digest his intention after the entire conversation. Right after he suggested to change date, I pleaded him to meet tonite and due to my persistent, as I was desperate, I have pissed him off again saying that I nv will change and he str8 mention the D word. I think I have killed my marriage again. I have suggested to meet marriage counselor but he did not give an ans. At same time, given him promises that i will change as long he give another try. Ended up he asked me stop messing up his thoughts. What does this means? Does it means he's just confused?

I have decided to meet the counselor myself first so I can prepare myself before meeting him, not wanting to make any mistakes. What else can I do to convince him that my change is real due to this scary explosion.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Let go of your fears and uncertainties. Don't fear mistakes, we need to make and learn from them. That's the important part. The natural reaction is fear and kan cheong. What is the point to insisting? What is done cannot be undone. Don't be apologetic. Be forward looking no matter the situation. This way, whatever what hit you in life, you are better able to deal with it and make better decisions.

Making promises cheaply and desperately isn't going to be convincing nor assuring. What you really can only promise is the commitment to learn and be receptive to feedback. You are going to need him to also give in that same level of commitment to try. Listen more and guess AND CONCLUDE less. Stop scaring yourself on all the what ifs and getting upset. If shit happens, it happens. Deal with it. Unlike women, most men do not need women to keep anticipating all their needs and emotions. Relax more to find companion in your mate. When its all tense up everything will be so difficult and unnatural.
 

Cremechoc

Member
I just woke up from an hour nap, the moment i woke up, I got into a panic situation where my hands were numb and whole body trembling. I was running about to all corners of my room searching for an escape. I was in fear and my actions were uncontroled and was crying non stop. It took me awhile to calm down and I'm still feeling the after math. I have history of panic attacks in the past and often ended up in hospital before. The feeling seem to be coming back and I felt helpless to be alone now. I've no one to talk to and I don't really have much friends whom I can turn to. What can I do? If I gg to tell him this, will he think that I'm messing him up again? I really need a support now.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Today, he is more willing to reply my msges. They r normal chat msges.. so less stressful and he probably had cooled down also. He is also okay I visit a counselor coz I told him there's no obligation for him to attend. He didn't give any negative feedback about this or say its pointless. . Hope this is a good start for us. He still ask me to go out with friends, n told me who he meeting tonite. Hope my prayers come true.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi Cremechoc, if you have serious issues to handle your emotions, do seek professional help.

Read up on books on communications, understanding gender and personality traits. These are pretty generic stuffs but alot of frictions that we deal with daily are from really basically due to differences we all have. The more you can make sense of it, the less personally, you will feel the need to react to them. Understanding why others are behaving the way they are helps with your anxiety.

Also, fill your time with some activities that could calm you down. Be it Yoga, swim / run or anything.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Just while i tot things may work out, he came back to pack more things while I'm away. Why is he doing this to our marriage. Why wss he exchanging sms to me like norm while back to pack things on another end? I'm totally lost. I dunno what else I can do. He told me he's staying at his sis place, should I call her for advice? She is quite neutral and mature. .. but I dunno her stand till now since she only know one sided story
 

Cremechoc

Member
Milo, I dunno who i can turn to seriously. I can only think of marriage counselor but when I found out he came back to pack more things after knowing I'm prepared to go for professional help, does it mean he had make up his mind? He nv say anything bout me seeking professional help, just asked me to decide but why next min come back to pack? Can this problem so serious that he need to leave me?? My entire office, including my boss know I'm having some issue by telling from my face. This is the first time I'm letting emotional affecting me so much even when at work. It may be easier if he's just a bf, but now he's not only my hb but my family too. Totally lost.
 

npyl

Member
Hi Cremechoc,

Reading your situation is like deja vu again. Just wish to let you know that you are not alone in such situation. There are a couple of us with very similar cases.

PM me if you need a listening ear.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Cremechoc, there is a need for you to get off this reactive mode where you are sitting there waiting for his every action and trying to guess it.

You are still in the shock state, your focus right now shouldn't be about the marriage. You need to take care of yourself.

Let the reality sits in, before you get over the acceptance part, everything is cranky. Its very normal human reaction. Only after you are calm enough, will you be able to reflect and move on from there. I'm not saying it is hopeless, but you should not cling on to hopes right now. Take it that it is already gone, what now. How to go on and be strong again. How and where you continue from here, will require strength, be it to rebuild the relationship or end and restart life. Your focus have to be about you now.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Npyl, I've sent pm to you.

Milo, I'm trying but its so difficult. I've not pinning any hope and been thinking of the worst scenario and how to move on. I had the little hope until he text me yday, which I tot he had cool down and thinking about me. Although the text messages we had were just normal conversation and he wasn't as active as before.. but it did give me some hope as he had totally ignore me ever since this hitted us.

Yes, I'm still in shock, but this probably my karma. This is his 2nd marriage, and we met when he was on verge of divorcing his ex wife. Tho I'm was not the one to break them up, but I believe with my presence, it made him more firm to leave her. What he is doing now is exactly the same, moving out etc. He told me he had wanted to leave me so many times but he stayed on coz he was soft hearted. Now, I dunno if there another 3rd party, but I'm sure he is escaping to meet me, afraid I will drama or he will soft hearted again. He din even give me a chance to talk to him. I wanted us to start from casual msges so as not to pressure him and he may be more receptive to meet me. But after he came back to clear his stuff, all my hopes are gone.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Cremechoc, yes, it is difficult. No one is going to tell you it isn't.

However, life is a very long walk. Your road is still early. You will look back at this chapter of the life and remember what it has taught you. We are what we are today because of what we gone through. You will go through this. A divorce is not the end of the road, there is light beyond.

Don't let every of his action affect you. There is nothing to guess about why he text you. So what even if he still have emotions for you? Most of us still feel for our ex, we don't become strangers with them. Does it matter? You cannot change his mind before getting emotional or clinging on to every of his action, you will only drive him further away so as not to give you any false hopes.

From what you just shared, frankly, this man have a repeat history of changing his mind. His own emotions are not at all stable. Marry, divorce, marry and now want out again. Seems he hasn't even know what he really need and want. He is still searching his own heart. Why was he so determined to marry you then? After the 1st mistake, he still hasn't learn anything.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Its definitely a painful decision for him to be in n out of marriage. He is a good man, and fulfilled all qualities a woman looking for. He wants the easy way out I suppose. When problem arise too big to handle, giving up seem to be the easiest way.

He had been staying at my place before marriage, and as my dad is a traditional man, he qns my hb what he was taking me as and asked if he gg to marry me when we were together for 6mths. We talked about marriage then but I didn't pressure him and told him I won't want to marry if its my parents' decision. Things went past and we nv touch on this topic. One night after few months later, he proposed to me. I'm not sure if its the effect from my dad, or he was really sincere then, after wedding, when we got into our first quarrel, he told me he wasn't ready for marriage n its by pressure. My world crushed for the very first time but moved on thinking its just a passing remarks. But tho, he still fulfilled his role n was loving thru out.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Funny how a guy speaks of not being ready for marriage but yet married twice. HELLO... and he is a 'good' man. I am not trying to be mean with you but emotions make a person blind. What kind of qualities does he have to make him so fulfilling to you? This man has no creditability.

One thing he is good in, making himself look good to women even though his words doesn't hold water. He makes you believe that you are the cause of his dilemma, that, he is in no part for the mess. It a very lame excuse to suggest that he is pressurized into marriage. He has done it and got out before with more experience than most other men. He knows exactly what he was getting into. He proposed to you. Period.

If someone is truly so sincere and caring for the person he love, would he just get pressurized into the same mistake that he 'suffered' so much to undo? The more you are sharing about him, his crap is just showing but you are blind to it. He loves himself the most.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Hmm I don't know how to pen down what exactly happened between us. But after marrying me, I got him into financial problem which ended up we r both heavily in debt. He placed the blame on me of coz and I don't denied it. Since then due to the additional stress from money matters, he kinda detest me for causing him gg thru these. Which resulting us unable to save for housing and bb. My health also no good and when we were trying for bb, I actually will needa go thru a surgery. So all these while, he find that I'm a liability to him. With these problems arise, it may resulted me to be a more closed up person. I wouldn't say he is a perfect man, but ideal enough as he's always caring and understanding. He fulfilled the basics perhaps base on my dictionary. I don't have much expectation or complains about him and I'm very comfortable. Just only feeling guilty for causing him much stress after marrying.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
you didn't cause him the stress... Marriage is never about smooth sailing days only and to break when the going gets tough. It is a decision that you want to be with your partner no matter what. Through thick and thin. Stop blaming yourself.
 

Cremechoc

Member
I'm willing to go thru all thick n thin with him. In fact, when I got to know him, He was quite in bad shape with money matters as well as he was jobless. While he recovered from the episode from his divorce, and getting a job, I supported him financially for shortly only 2 or 3 months. Tho times was bad but we were happy. Things got better but until later stage, due to me.. a wrong decision I made him.. I totally regretted.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
obviously, he isn't willing.
"He placed the blame on me of coz and I don't denied it. Since then due to the additional stress from money matters, he kinda detest me for causing him gg thru these."
 
I don't think you should speculate or assume, that will only fuel you to be more negative and emotional. I been through the worst I relate to how you feel now.

There isn't a text book way of approaching this. I agree time is required to straighten out individual thoughts but more on personal reflections, realising what, where, why and how was the shortfall in the marriage or the circumstances the current marriage is in. It is best that whatever it is, both should sit down and discuss your own thoughts and then come to a conclusion, a moving forward plan. Yes, a plan both commit to do the second you guys agree.

In any marriage it is never one sided and said many times here. It always takes 2 hands to clap and both have a fair share of contributions towards making the marriage work. That's one of the basis of long lasting marriage. No, it is not about who makes more effort whatsoever but, taking the initiative to contribute to the marriage without considering the fact of your efforts needed to be acknowledged. That is... unconditional love, the spoken and unspoken vows of marriage.

That said, try to call (not text) and make an arrangement. Do not be apologetic or try to ask anything (eg: what's wrong etc). Don't pressure each other into a meet and that includes yourself because the more impatient you are, the more you push the other party, the more he/she feels corner and the row will start again. And even if you guys meet, the impatient to "want to know what went wrong" will also trigger any emotions and end of the day, any discussions will be futile.

Therefore, call him and arrange a dinner. That is all, nothing more, nothing less. End of the day, you need to know how to move forward and not soak into what has happened and feel sorry about it.

Hope it helps.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Hi Italiano, thanks for giving advice. I am feeling much better now after sorting some thoughts with help I gathered from here. My emotions has been gg up and down every moments due this was kinda sudden. I can only text him to send my msg across coz he does not pick up any of my calls. N he does not reply to any msges.. exceptional for yday, but it meant nothing I supposed.

Next week shall be our appointment, and I will wait for him to arrange. I dunwan to rush him or any of sort.. I just wanna sort things out myself.. as in what you mentioned ~ self reflection. Everything happened for a reason and I hope I can find the answer to the key to unleash our unhappiness. This gonna be long battle and I hope I can take it. A forum friend has recommended me to see a psychologists which I'm opened to it as long it helps..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
while everything has reasons, it is impossible to get answers to all of them. Often, you will never really know the complete picture. It will come a time when you realize it doesn't matter anymore and there will be no more the need in you to pursue and dig. Sometimes, the more you dig, the more hurt you will get as well.

It will take time to come to terms with reality. It is the same with many difficult situations, be it death of a close one, relationship issues, breakups, mid life crisis, diagnosis of a terminal disease etc. Each one are all differently difficult. Before we can deal with it, the acceptance is always the first part. Get over it first before thinking about what to do next.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Think that's what I'm gg to do. Wanna find some inner peace to calm my soul. I won't do anything like pressure him or asking him qns about us. I know I need to handle my own emotions right now.. without it, I can forget bout talking to him. As what he described, it won't be a fruitful talk if I let my own emotions take over me.

Met up with a gf yday, for the first time I actually talk out our issues which I have bottled up for some time. She shared her own experience and told me her hb had also packed and walked out of the house before several times but will return after he cooled down. They did these probably just wanna cool down and stayed away coz they themselves do not know how to handle the issues at that point of time. I hope my hb also the same, and will return in no time. I will wait.
 

Cremechoc

Member
As times goes, although my emotions still in rollercoaster mode and I tend to see things a lot a lot more openly. After few sessions of talks with a gf, I kinda get some enlightenment even tho she was addressing to her own marriage problems.

The analysis of what my hb had conversed to me or his reason for packing earlier now became secondary. I'm slowly stopping myself dwelling into what had happened but rather looking for ways to calm myself and be prepared when he is ready to meet. I realised I wasn't ready to meet him at all.. and thank God, he knew it. Otherwise things may just got worst. If we had meet up, we will probably end up in arguments again as I will still continue to be persistent to reconcile. Now I totally know how to face him when the time comes. I've been asking myself how to have a good conversation with him without breaking down.. and the ans is 'have no expectations and no pressure'. By forcing him to return may just push him further.. so I'm gg to suggest we look into issues and build up our relationship before a reconciliation. I supposed now more importantly is to mend the hurt we have caused and slowly move on from there.

Hope this act will be wiser than crying, apologising or pleading which I have done all of them. Do drop a note anyone for good sharing.
 

fullhouse

New Member
Hi Cremechoc, sorry to hear about your plight.

I had very similar issues with my hubby during the first 4-5 years of marriage. After his work trips, he would return home and we would fight, then he would left the house with his stuffs... It was more complicated as we have young kids and lack of help around the house. I had to work, care for the kids and do all the housework. He said i have changed, but i had no choices as i have those responsibilities, a far cry from the past... I was very carefree before marriage.

He mentioned D many times. So many times that I thought our marriage would really go that way.

1 fine day, I said fine, lets' D. then i asked him to leave the house, me and the kids alone.

I gave up on him and in the end, he came back, begging to give the marriage another shot. We had these times a few more rounds.

And during those times that he was stuck in his own ideas. I continued to work on myself and my kids. I learnt to love myself and to let go of things that can't be forced.

The saying is true. If you love someone, you gotta let him/her go. If he/she returns in time, you know he/she is yours.

Well, he returned and we just passed the 7th year mark of our marriage. I guess when men advanced in years, they may understand that family/love and relationships needs to be nurtured. And men also need attention, so, just have to find your language of love.

I hope you will find peace and calmness. Lots of stuffs takes time and only time will tell if you guys can get through this hurdle together or deal with stuffs separately.

All the best okie :)
 

Cremechoc

Member
Hi Full house, thanks for sharing your story which it gave me some point of hope. I'm searching for help to calm my soul and as days goes I'm feeling much better now.

Do you believe in God? I'm a Buddhist and I'm been searching for peace and ans thru the prayers. Just went to Guanyin temple to seek for help and guess the prayers told me it gonna be a tough battle. There's someone in fact between us influencing his mind as he is currently vulnerable and seeking for a shelter, and his heart towards marriage turns cold and freezed. As long the ice melts.. things will change and hoping the day will come. I will give time to both of us and hope he will return.
Sometimes, its just hard to let go. Before this explosion, I told myself I will let go if he mentioned D again coz its quite tiring to go thru these repeatedly. But when it happened, I came to realize that we have not tried hard enuff. Yes, we have issues but its not till so serious to that point and D may not be the only option. Its just an easy way out and it seem to be the easier option. Now the ball is really on his hands, what I can do is to let him do whatever he wants and cool down.
 

fullhouse

New Member
Hi Cremechoc

Yes, I believe in God. I am a Budhhist as well. My dad and I went to the Guanyin temple in Waterloo Street for help separately . Every lot i had was like 'xia xia qian'. so meaning our marriage is not going to work? I have burned so many lots, prayed so many times... and here I am, still married to the same person and accepted that working at a relationship is going to be more than a piece of cake.

Well, I dunno what fate has in line for me.

I asked myself many times, if i gave up on this marriage, will I enter another relationship... I gathered that I would not get into another relationship should this marriage fails. So in the end, I can still wait for him, one way or another. But I was passive, I threw the ball to his court and waited out.

For you, I hope you will treat yourself good and well. I also hope for good endings and same for you. Have faith in your beliefs and I do think all prayers will be answered eventually :)
 

Cremechoc

Member
Hi fullhouse, I was told by my fengshui master that if I go guanyin temple, I can only ask one qns a day. Otherwise all answers that came are invalid. Not sure how real coz it seem like all answers from the lot relates exactly to my qns. Now I wonder if I should return n pray one more time.

The counseling session is helpful coz I finally able to understand myself which unfolds my inner self which also analyse what my hb had been thru. Now I know the problem arise is due to my childhood n family background, resulted my personality and communication blockage, and counselor will help me overcome this. Hope I can get this across to my hb when we meet but I don't know how I can go about it since now his heart is hardened.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Today has been painful. . Can't stop thinking about what the counselor had shared yday. Relating the entire episode, I had hurt the man I love, the man who took the vow together with me on our wedding day. Tho its due to my inner self, but still I had destroyed our family altogether. I can't stop blaming myself for What had landed us today. He too must have suffered so much that he decided to pull out. What is the pain I'm gg thru now.. they're incomparable to what he had gone thru. He's an injured child according to counselor from his growing up background, why can't I understand him further earlier. How can I warm his heart again and restart from where we missed out
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
as frustrating as it is, we are what we are today because of the experiences we went through. Just as how parents cannot teach or advise wisedom to our kids, no matter how we nag or preach, it will not internalize until they lived through life experiences that make relevent all these principles. We will cry and regret but past is needed for us to appreciate the future.

I miss my dad so much and regret deeply how naive and judgemental I was with him but it is something I need to live with for the rest of my life. It has teach me the meaning of parenting, to cherish my bond with my son. We are forever changed by these milestones in our lives. Embrance hardship, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Thanks milo for your encouragement. I'm learning to let go and at same time staying positive. Prepared for the worst had happened as he might already stepped into another new r/s. How things changes so fast right... from a lovely dovey to a betrayal. However these are speculation, but preparing myself that the worst has come, so when the truth surfaced, I'm ready to face it.

The answer God gave me is to be patient and wait. Do not act now as the tide is stormy... he will return eventually when the storm is over. The beginning is tough but good days follows. Take care of myself and not cut own flesh to heal another wound. I've been repeating these to myself to keep me gg.

I've lost about 2kg within 1 week.. and how irony. Been trying to reduce my weight but it din works.. but by doing nothing now, it just keep dropping. The next time I'm gg to meet my hb, I'm gg to thank him for the weight loss success.

I doubt will be meeting him soon as he seem to be still ignoring me. What do you think? He's guilty or not decided?
 
I see a lot of me in you when I first posted here years ago. You may want to read how I went through it.

As lost as you are now and as much as you feel like turning back the hands of time and restart everything, it may not happen. Although I am not telling you to give up, but like Milo said, everything has happened and happen for a reason. And that reason is not for you to dwell on but to find a reason to survive and to move on. Expect the worst and plan for the better tomorrow.

Easier said than done as I struggled but 2 to coming 3 years on, I did it. Time will heal wounds. For now, less is more. Be strong!
 

Cremechoc

Member
Thank you everyone who have showed your concern. I'm trying. . I'm trying very hard. Learning to let go and think rationally. I cannot believe the man I marry to can actually just walked out of our home and marriage just like that. I have nv imagined this day will come nor it will happened this way. Theres no talk, there's no closure... there's no light of hope. I'm writing a letter to him.. but I think it can be a book if it continues to be written. Since he is still not stepping in to talk to me, I can only write to communicate with him. I can only continue to pray for his safety.. and pray for his return. I've not done anything yet.. so I won't give up. I'm waiting for my soul to calm down, and she's almost ready. When she's ready, its time to act.
 

Cremechoc

Member
We finally met up and had a good chat in a calm and casual manner. At the beginning, his thoughts were quite firm but after walking through the session slowly, I managed to convince him and he had looked at things differently, but needed some time to think it through. He is still unsure and has no confidence if reconcile will be right and needed another week time to sort things out. Meantime, he also allows me to message him and call him, and meet for dinner if time allows. This definitely a great improvement from where we were left.

Today, I got him a card and wrote him love notes, motivational notes in poem form of how sincere my words were and will translate them to action from now on. And how we can resolve issues if I have difficulties to speak up in future. I went to look him up without any prior arrangements just now just to hand the card to him. He asked me not to do this again when he saw the card as it will only disrupt his thoughts. He accepted it after I told him this is how I want to connect to him, and we parted after that.

My initial intention was to write notes to him daily and slip below the door where he lives, not necessary to meet him everytime. Just wanting to put my thoughts to him to motivate him about reconciliation and that I'm a changed person after this incident.

Afraid that I will be overdoing it, I thought to do it randomly or on alternate days. Just wondering what else I can do to keep him positive in this marriage and willing to come back to me.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Yeah. Doing it right nw. Stopped contacting him totally until few days later. Meantime also calming myself to prepare for the worst n stop pinning any hope. Feeling better today and not even looking at his whatapps status. Trying to move on as far as I can.
 

Cremechoc

Member
We had come to a closure days ago. Nothing changed his decisions at the end. Expected the outcome. . Calm I was.. no tears shed.. everything so over now.

Today the 3rd day.. but here I m, still no tears. Tried crying out yday but there's isn't much. Those tears that rolled out... were for the pain he brought to me and my family. . Not because I've lost a man, a husband. The moment he told me the ans.. the love in me for him died instantly. .. he's no longer the man I know. I've also stopped blaming myself for everything. . Tho I may not be the perfect wife, but I've done him no wrong. He chose the ez way out.. I will show him there's isn't any. A friend asked.. since he has so much expectations from me, what has he done for me so far? There isn't any I can think of. The ans is clear... he can only hold grudges in between but forgotten how I supported him and gave him a roof when he has nothing. Too late... he's no longer the man I want...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"There isn't any I can think of. The ans is clear... he can only hold grudges in between but forgotten how I supported him and gave him a roof when he has nothing. Too late... he's no longer the man I want..." Glad that you see it within a short period and not drag on.
There is light at the end of the tunnel as you embrace on a new chapter in your life.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Yes. Am glad that i have my family and friends strong support and they have been telling me its nv my fault. They have woke me up and allowed me to know where is the problem. HE only blames me for everything but forgotten that it takes 2 hands to clap. He bear grudges right from the start of our marriage. He only remember the bad things.. and those were not even any big issuee. .. how can our marriage be happy? Even if we get back.. the cracks will also be there if he does not let them go. The only way is to let both of us free.
 

misssim

New Member
Be strong. Give yourself time to heal. Busy yourself with activities and support from family and friends. I'm sure life WILL be even more beautiful!
 

sharingNcaring101

New Member
I know you are hurting, feel abandoned and betrayed. You have every reason to feel this way. You may even be telling yourself that something is wrong with you and that this is all your fault. I can tell you this. If this hit you out of the blue, I suspect that this has more to do with some emotional problems your husband is having and it his inability to process it all. We all have our faults but those who truly love us can love us through our weaknesses and hold the other up. I know you feel weak but don't give up yet.

My advise to you is to talk with him. Tell him you are committed. See if he is still committed. If he is not, then anything that you do will not work. But if he is willing to try, then wonderful. There is the typical stuff you can do: compliments, initiate lovemaking, look beautiful, etc... Do those. But I also say to grow yourself. Men want strong women. Upgrade yourself, learn a new skill. Do this to help yourself grow. This serves two-fold. If he sees how happy you are with yourself and life, he will be attracted to you. If he still remains uninterested, you will be stronger and feel better about yourself. You cannot control his feelings. All you can do is control your reaction and behavior.

Finally, be thoughtful, loving and most of all do not act needy. Find things to do that matter to you apart from him. Keep busy is a positive way. Be kind, remember to acknowledge his attributes without fawning but make sure you do your best to be in control of your life. It is easy to become more clingy when you think you are going to lose someone. Now is not the time. Yet what may seem contradictory, but I assure you it is not: remember to always point out things he does well when he does them, like how hard he works... men's egos need stroking, It is just a fact. The key is to strike a balance between appreciation and re-creating you through this process. Find a hobby, find your purpose. Here is my theory. When you create a life that is interesting then you are interesting to others. If he does decide to leave, you will be on the road to a healthy life for yourself.

PM if you need more advice, I’m willing to listen and maybe provide some encouragement and hope.
 

Cremechoc

Member
Thanks for great advices. I'm not thinking of salvaging this marriage anymore coz he's not interested at all. I've stopped contacting him since the day he given me the answer. I didn't even have any slightest thought of sending him any messages nor wanting to keep in touch. I still have not grief nor cry out loud since that day... only some tears but they're definitely not for him. He do not deserve me anymore.

He text me days ago which had stirred me up, invading my peaceful life. I really do not want anything to do with this man anymore. I do not even want to meet him to go through the divorce procedures. Is it necessary since we do not have any shared assets or children. He is a coward, he dared not even arrange to meet up to have a closure. He was surprised how calm I was and the coldness from me. I don't even care. Can I just get a lawyer to settle everything for me so I don't have to speak to this bum?
 

Cremechoc

Member
It was true that I was blaming myself at the beginning and thought everything is my fault. Until a friend threw few qns to me and it woke me up. Since he had complained that I've not done enough, what has he done? I had made sacrifices but has he? He said I've not cooked enough for him, but has he done any cooking for me? There's so many more to go on here.. since he does not appreciate me and only bear grudges, how can we be happy.

My dad did not abandon my mum coz she was too busy to cook nor have time to communicate. My brother did not divorce my sis in law for not cooking everyday nor not communicating at times. If he wants someone to serve him like a king or cooks everyday, either he pay to get a maid or work harder so his wife do not need to work.

He's busy with his work too... but have I ever complained that he has not spend enough time for me? Have I demanded him to buy branded goods for me? When a tired husband gets home from work, wife takes care of his basic needs and left him alone to rest and space. What else does he wants? A wife that nags and cling on him everyday? He basically only point fingers at me and made me felt its really all my fault. I've woke up. I don't need such a man that is had to please.

Too bad he does not appreciate me. I deserve better. I'm moving on to find someone who does and pamper me the way I love. I will make sure I made this point to him.
 

ooosh

New Member
Hi Cremechoc,

Sorry to put it bruntly but from your perspective, it sound like this man is not ready for marriage yet. Looks like he is still a big kid stuck in a man's body. He seems to be those kind who expect women to wait on him when he come home and hang around with his group of friends. A wife/husband should be a companion not someone who does the other's shit. Unlike in our parent/grandparent's generation, women do not have a good education hence is very dependent on the man. Luckily you guys do not have kids yet. In my opinion, just go with your heart and do what deem best.

All the best for you.
 
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miloice

Well-Known Member
Hi Cremechoc, all those issues could be picked up even in your initial sharing in here. Just that in your initial shock phase, you were too clouded to see it. The fact that you are able to wake quite quickly from it, already indicate your strength, on how rationale you really are despite the difficulties. You don't need more hugs and kisses. You can recover and become even stronger by yourself.

The light is already at the end of the tunnel for this chapter. See through it and brave forward to the new chapter.
 


Cremechoc

Member
Yeah. I could say I'm moving on through this episode quite well as compared to previous relationships even the pain here is much greater. I've started meeting pple and even went for first date recently. I'm still quite skeptical in getting into another relationship as the fear and pain still linger around me 24/7, just hope I can walk out of the shadow real soon.

I'm not sure if I can trust again.. just like the guy who I went out with, he seem to be a gentleman and sincere about knowing me and had expressed his feelings for me. I just heard through a friend whom they're in the same trade that he's actually has a close gf and they're bout to get married, and he's quite a player. I do not know how true but 无风不起浪。Seriously, what's wrong with these pple. Is it just me or everyone taking relationships as a piece of shit.
 

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