jellyheart
New Member
and also, no point saying your heart is still with him, etc etc... rubbish... your brain controls your heart.
Innocent flirting?
- Thread starter star_dust
- Start date
xiao_nu_ren
New Member
Dear Stardust,
I really hope that you can keep this sentence in your mind:
<font color="ff0000">The world doesn't stop spinning just becos you're gone.</font>
Let me explain to you in detail. When he was besotted with her, constantly looking for available timing slots just to go to her. YOU DON'T EXIST
When he booked the flight to Hong Kong, just to go away for a rendevous with her. YOU DON'T EXIST
When he checked into the hotel, just to have sex with her. YOU DON'T EXIST
Now... 3 most hurting truth are out. There are many more YOU DON'T EXIST out there during those period in his life. And, he still survive. Comfortably, blissfully and happily. You need not be the one to be there for him. She already replaced you.
You do not love him strongly and fiercely. You are only holding on to one pride. Pride of losing out to someone who just bumped into his life and managed to garner his everything with a click of her fingers. While you are the one whom had built everything with him, over the years. ä½ åªæ˜¯ä¸ç”˜å¿ƒå•Š.... Can you see it? You simply don't wish to lose your possession. You are simply fiercely possessive over what belonged to you for so many years. There's no way you can let it go.
He's not remorseful in any ways. Base on his attitude towards you in every ways. Most importantly, you are only the convenient backfall that is always there waiting for him to fall back into your arms. And you really let him come back just like that. And you are very good at playing the victim role right now. Are you?
Love is much more than holding on to whatever is not yours anymore. Why are you constantly saying you love you so much? Guess, you yourself are also confused.
For me, love is being able to lie on the bed facing him, and loving every contours of his face. Love is when he's sleeping, I still will snuggle up and gently brush my lips against him. Love is being able to laugh at every jokes he said. Love is holding his hand, at at the same time, gently stroking his arms. Love is giving him a smile every single morning, and say goodbye with a kiss to his lips. Love is, whatever mistake he'd made, will be forgiven and never to be brought up again. Love is, knowing that you'd loved yourself enough, to let him love you back in return. Are you any of those that I'd mentioned.
I concluded out of 100% of the marriage, 99% falls into the stage of routine. Being used to the life that both share, and getting on each other's nerve on every available opportunity. Finding faults in each other.
In your thread, I'd read that you'd found so many faults in him. Stating it out ever so frequently. Cos of your ä¸ç”˜å¿ƒ, you aired so much of your family's dirty linen in public. Hiding behind a nick. And you conclude that is the love you'd had for him? When one is firm with the love they'd had for the other, without even saying so much, they would know what they would want to do for the loved one. No need to say so much.
I hope you can walk out of your confused state. And see clearly. Don't torment yourself anymore. Pride can never bring one joy. I wish you well.
I really hope that you can keep this sentence in your mind:
<font color="ff0000">The world doesn't stop spinning just becos you're gone.</font>
Let me explain to you in detail. When he was besotted with her, constantly looking for available timing slots just to go to her. YOU DON'T EXIST
When he booked the flight to Hong Kong, just to go away for a rendevous with her. YOU DON'T EXIST
When he checked into the hotel, just to have sex with her. YOU DON'T EXIST
Now... 3 most hurting truth are out. There are many more YOU DON'T EXIST out there during those period in his life. And, he still survive. Comfortably, blissfully and happily. You need not be the one to be there for him. She already replaced you.
You do not love him strongly and fiercely. You are only holding on to one pride. Pride of losing out to someone who just bumped into his life and managed to garner his everything with a click of her fingers. While you are the one whom had built everything with him, over the years. ä½ åªæ˜¯ä¸ç”˜å¿ƒå•Š.... Can you see it? You simply don't wish to lose your possession. You are simply fiercely possessive over what belonged to you for so many years. There's no way you can let it go.
He's not remorseful in any ways. Base on his attitude towards you in every ways. Most importantly, you are only the convenient backfall that is always there waiting for him to fall back into your arms. And you really let him come back just like that. And you are very good at playing the victim role right now. Are you?
Love is much more than holding on to whatever is not yours anymore. Why are you constantly saying you love you so much? Guess, you yourself are also confused.
For me, love is being able to lie on the bed facing him, and loving every contours of his face. Love is when he's sleeping, I still will snuggle up and gently brush my lips against him. Love is being able to laugh at every jokes he said. Love is holding his hand, at at the same time, gently stroking his arms. Love is giving him a smile every single morning, and say goodbye with a kiss to his lips. Love is, whatever mistake he'd made, will be forgiven and never to be brought up again. Love is, knowing that you'd loved yourself enough, to let him love you back in return. Are you any of those that I'd mentioned.
I concluded out of 100% of the marriage, 99% falls into the stage of routine. Being used to the life that both share, and getting on each other's nerve on every available opportunity. Finding faults in each other.
In your thread, I'd read that you'd found so many faults in him. Stating it out ever so frequently. Cos of your ä¸ç”˜å¿ƒ, you aired so much of your family's dirty linen in public. Hiding behind a nick. And you conclude that is the love you'd had for him? When one is firm with the love they'd had for the other, without even saying so much, they would know what they would want to do for the loved one. No need to say so much.
I hope you can walk out of your confused state. And see clearly. Don't torment yourself anymore. Pride can never bring one joy. I wish you well.
i dont want to seem like i'm defending myself. but out of all that you mentioned on what love is, i believe if you ask him, i still do all these. in fact, contrary to what ppl may think, i do not avoid his touches at all. in fact i look forward to every kiss, every hug, every cuddle, every stroke of my hair he gives me.i wilingly put my hand in his and walk alongside him. when i feel afraid i instinctively turn to him for comfort and protection. and to be very frank, the more he does this, the more assured and secure i feel.
when i notice he looks down, i give him a hug and a kiss and tell him to cheer up. or i try and distract him from whatever he feels down about by talking about nonsensical stuff like what our son did earlier on in the day.
but you're very right, i'm really still ä¸ç”˜å¿ƒ. and there is stll an old resentment nestling deep within and i'm trying my very best to suppress these feelings, and i hope to eventually eradicate all these in time to come. i'm only human, is it wrong to feel this way? i really dont know. i keep telling myself that its just a tough time now. i remind myself that i've just given birth barely 4 months ago, and that my hormones are not balanced yet thus causing these battling feelings within myself. i feel terrified for no reason in the middle of the night. i feel vulnerable and exposed. my hair is starting to fall off in clumps and i've grown so thin that everyone who sees me asks me what happened.i look at myself in the mirror and i dont like what i see.i cant bear to see my own face and when i've never felt the need to put on make up when i go out, i now cannot bear to step out of the house without powder and blusher.
my self-esteem is crushed.my self-worth is damaged. my self-confidence is gone. and i'm working very hard to build all these up again. not for him, not for anyone but for myself. i look at him and i wonder if he really loves me or is it because like what all of you say, he just cannot afford to lose his wife and possibly his kids.
and i remind myself again all the reasons why i might be feeling this way. and that we have only just started our therapy. but thankfully now i have friends who are in the know, and at anytime where i start feeling negative, they're there to set my mind straight and encourage me to strive on. i think my husband should really thank these friends of mine who helps me straighten out my thinking and curb the emotional part, working on the logical part instead.
when i notice he looks down, i give him a hug and a kiss and tell him to cheer up. or i try and distract him from whatever he feels down about by talking about nonsensical stuff like what our son did earlier on in the day.
but you're very right, i'm really still ä¸ç”˜å¿ƒ. and there is stll an old resentment nestling deep within and i'm trying my very best to suppress these feelings, and i hope to eventually eradicate all these in time to come. i'm only human, is it wrong to feel this way? i really dont know. i keep telling myself that its just a tough time now. i remind myself that i've just given birth barely 4 months ago, and that my hormones are not balanced yet thus causing these battling feelings within myself. i feel terrified for no reason in the middle of the night. i feel vulnerable and exposed. my hair is starting to fall off in clumps and i've grown so thin that everyone who sees me asks me what happened.i look at myself in the mirror and i dont like what i see.i cant bear to see my own face and when i've never felt the need to put on make up when i go out, i now cannot bear to step out of the house without powder and blusher.
my self-esteem is crushed.my self-worth is damaged. my self-confidence is gone. and i'm working very hard to build all these up again. not for him, not for anyone but for myself. i look at him and i wonder if he really loves me or is it because like what all of you say, he just cannot afford to lose his wife and possibly his kids.
and i remind myself again all the reasons why i might be feeling this way. and that we have only just started our therapy. but thankfully now i have friends who are in the know, and at anytime where i start feeling negative, they're there to set my mind straight and encourage me to strive on. i think my husband should really thank these friends of mine who helps me straighten out my thinking and curb the emotional part, working on the logical part instead.
puppylover
New Member
Just my two cents, but I think it's not fair for any of us to judge whether stardust loves her husband or not. Everyone's definition of love is different - shaped by our upbringing, life experiences, beliefs, even the media in some cases. If stardust believes strongly what she feels for him is love, which of us can say it's not? We're not in her personal life 24 hrs a day...
serene_yam
New Member
Falling into the cycle of delusion and in the name of pride of ä¸ç”˜å¿ƒ are simply too easy for one....live in lala land, who can't? As long as to maintain status quo, don't need to explain to anyone, answer anyone's queries, why not? But the thing is: when is this bubble gonna burst AGAIN? Stardust said she couldn't believe that the hb she's with was a monster for the past one year....the question she should also ponder upon: All along he could have been just like that, a so-called monster, but hidden behind a sheep's clothing! Well, of course it's not for me to condemn Stardust's hb, but then, I sincerely hope that Stardust can see the reality of her bursting bubble. I don't see much possibility of Stardust being a happy mum to her 2kids given the amount of stress she'll feel from her relationship with her hb. Well, yes, maybe, Stardust does LOVE her hb. But her love for her hb is harnessed on the term ä¸ç”˜å¿ƒ. Years later, her hb might fall upon his own trap again, given his track record and his self-love, would stardust be still ä¸ç”˜å¿ƒ and still dwell upon her own bubble? It's a bubble that stardust creates for her marriage and that of her hb. It's not even concrete. So easily burst by water.....
I don't quite agree with chilli queen on pride that is the "holding factor".
Yes, in our fleeting moments, pride would stand in the way. But not letting go of a marriage is not about pride. A marriage is much more than that and with 2 children in between. Of course it is a complex situation right now.
The complex blend of love, betrayal and the hope for the future. It is a very difficult situation and probably in the deep corner of her husband's heart, he would not know what he wants.
And that is why my advice for stardust is to step away. To move away and not be immersed in the complex webs of emotions so that she can distill her thoughts clearly.
There is a feeling of resentment in her. And as much as she may feel justified in this feeling of resentment - it is not helping her marriage. As much as her husband wishes for her to bury everything and start a new and this may seem too difficult for her at the moment.
If she chooses to be with him and with her feeling of resentment that she can't let go.. it is going to be much more difficult path.
Yes, in our fleeting moments, pride would stand in the way. But not letting go of a marriage is not about pride. A marriage is much more than that and with 2 children in between. Of course it is a complex situation right now.
The complex blend of love, betrayal and the hope for the future. It is a very difficult situation and probably in the deep corner of her husband's heart, he would not know what he wants.
And that is why my advice for stardust is to step away. To move away and not be immersed in the complex webs of emotions so that she can distill her thoughts clearly.
There is a feeling of resentment in her. And as much as she may feel justified in this feeling of resentment - it is not helping her marriage. As much as her husband wishes for her to bury everything and start a new and this may seem too difficult for her at the moment.
If she chooses to be with him and with her feeling of resentment that she can't let go.. it is going to be much more difficult path.
xiao_nu_ren
New Member
SM,
For kids to grow up in a peaceful environment, is much better than in a tense environment. Isn't it? I'm sure you know it best.
Having been through what stardust been through, which is also as recent. I know what is going through her mind. Will it be healthy for the kids? Just look at things simply, it'll become simpler. Thinking way too much, by linking too many things together, it'll become very complicated. Thus, making one very lost. This is what I hope she'll understand it fully in near future. And not look for the slightest comfort the husband is willing to offer, on and off.
For kids to grow up in a peaceful environment, is much better than in a tense environment. Isn't it? I'm sure you know it best.
Having been through what stardust been through, which is also as recent. I know what is going through her mind. Will it be healthy for the kids? Just look at things simply, it'll become simpler. Thinking way too much, by linking too many things together, it'll become very complicated. Thus, making one very lost. This is what I hope she'll understand it fully in near future. And not look for the slightest comfort the husband is willing to offer, on and off.
Chilli,
If you ask me about children - well, that is not the main thing now.. I wouldn't know for sure what is best. We think what is best for the children, but what is really best for them?
When there are problems in a marriage, the children are affected. There is no best situation. We just have to limit the damage.. and then how do we know what is best for the children? Most parents have the wrong notions. What they want for the children may not be best.
What is a peaceful and tense environment? Assuming if there is no love between wife and husband but they treat each other with respect.. no quarrels.. is this a good environment for the children since it is peaceful?
Real life is complex. And yes, we may need to simplify it. But we can't reduce it so simply. The problem with stardust is that she is very much entangled.. Her wound still raw and the feeling of resentment ever so fresh.
And I don't necessary condemn her husband and think that it is impossible to repair the marriage. But that is not for us to judge.
If you ask me about children - well, that is not the main thing now.. I wouldn't know for sure what is best. We think what is best for the children, but what is really best for them?
When there are problems in a marriage, the children are affected. There is no best situation. We just have to limit the damage.. and then how do we know what is best for the children? Most parents have the wrong notions. What they want for the children may not be best.
What is a peaceful and tense environment? Assuming if there is no love between wife and husband but they treat each other with respect.. no quarrels.. is this a good environment for the children since it is peaceful?
Real life is complex. And yes, we may need to simplify it. But we can't reduce it so simply. The problem with stardust is that she is very much entangled.. Her wound still raw and the feeling of resentment ever so fresh.
And I don't necessary condemn her husband and think that it is impossible to repair the marriage. But that is not for us to judge.
joiedevivre
New Member
for me, like stardust, i can also identify with the feeling of pride. the feeling of, "how he could he do this to me?"
i agree that we don't have the right to judge stardust's love for her husband... but i would support her to go for her own happiness and well being. this is in light of her depression and her once mentioning that she might harm herself.
her hubby must be willing to work together with her to make things better. of course that would be what i hope for her too. i think when a marriage becomes like this, it's sad for both parties, including the husband, and he should be given a chance to make amends.
i am sure he did not marry her to hurt her like this. he also wanted to have a good marriage, but he fell short along the way.
but even though i think she should still try to give it a go if she still loves him, it can't be just her alone. if it is too hard and to painful to move on together, then it may be better for her to move on on her own...
perhaps most of us here... the only help we can give is to try to help her see that there is another choice for her and that continuing the marriage is not the only way.
i know a few people who had heartbreaking divorces, but in the end, they moved on alone, and after some years, the pain gradually lessened, and their lives became much better compared to their marriage years. they are happy and calmer with none of the heated quarrels and anger. one of them, my aunt, has a son and he is working now. a totally normal and sociable guy, not screwed up like the way people expect the kids of divorcees to be. they continue to keep in contact with the husband's family.
hope stardust won't mind our comments... the intention is just to help her see that there is different paths that she can take... all the divorcees i know loved their spouses deeply too, but they chose to give up for various reasons...
i agree that we don't have the right to judge stardust's love for her husband... but i would support her to go for her own happiness and well being. this is in light of her depression and her once mentioning that she might harm herself.
her hubby must be willing to work together with her to make things better. of course that would be what i hope for her too. i think when a marriage becomes like this, it's sad for both parties, including the husband, and he should be given a chance to make amends.
i am sure he did not marry her to hurt her like this. he also wanted to have a good marriage, but he fell short along the way.
but even though i think she should still try to give it a go if she still loves him, it can't be just her alone. if it is too hard and to painful to move on together, then it may be better for her to move on on her own...
perhaps most of us here... the only help we can give is to try to help her see that there is another choice for her and that continuing the marriage is not the only way.
i know a few people who had heartbreaking divorces, but in the end, they moved on alone, and after some years, the pain gradually lessened, and their lives became much better compared to their marriage years. they are happy and calmer with none of the heated quarrels and anger. one of them, my aunt, has a son and he is working now. a totally normal and sociable guy, not screwed up like the way people expect the kids of divorcees to be. they continue to keep in contact with the husband's family.
hope stardust won't mind our comments... the intention is just to help her see that there is different paths that she can take... all the divorcees i know loved their spouses deeply too, but they chose to give up for various reasons...
i actually appreciate all the comments that everyone has shared with me here. for every post typed, it meant that someone out there has bothered to take minutes of their time to share their thoughts with a total stranger, and i'm really thankful for that.
leaving is the easier option, but is it necessarily the best? i know i've been through so much in the past 1 year, but i also know that there are people who has undergone tougher times and survived. for me to have chosen to stay in the marriage, i've inadvertently placed him also in a position to work hard. but we both are willing to not just for the kids, but also that we know it would be very difficult to start life anew without each other. this is a shaking down period, and i know that there may be more quarrels to come, and we're both walking on very thin ice now when it comes to anything related to this episode.
contrary to what ppl may think, we do not live in fear of each other at all. we also do not pass our frailities to our children or even his parents. my parents are still in the dark as to what has transpired. the elder one is happier seeing him daddy so much more now than ever. i'm happier now having a husband who is connected rather than distanced like he was over the past year. i know all these very well, and i appreciate the positive change in him. to be fair to him, he has become a person more worthy of my love and affection even before this past year. during a huge quarrel couple of nights back, he said something that made me think - 'it was my fault and i'm sorry. i've changed and i keep trying to come back but you keep blocking me.'
the hurdle now is for me to really open my heart to accepting that he has made a grave mistake, and to let him in again. but this definitely takes time, but most importantly is that i know that eventually i will.
he has his pride and ego, and he's human too. i know that if i continue to dwell on the past, he'll not be able to take it and eventually give up even though it was his fault to begin with. putting myself in his position, would i want to listen and rehash all my shameful deeds and being reminded of how much i hurt him with how wilful and stupid i was? i dont think anybody wants that. he's trying to deal with it in his own way, and although his way may not be the best way, as least i know he is indeed trying. it gets clearer to me each day.
i know its pointless to keep revisiting and experiencing the hurt all over again. and i'm trying as hard as i can to tamper my emotions and let my head do the talking. but as everyone knows, emotions can be difficult to control, and especially with my very raw state, its even more difficult for me to handle my own emotions with a very precocious toddler, and at times cranky baby on hand. i need to give myself some slack, and i'm very grateful to have such a wonderful mil with me.
despite all the things he did and said to me last year, i believe he still has a conscience. and that very conscience was what sparked off my suspicious i nthe first place.
so since now we've both decided to stay put and work it out, i have confidence that this new marriage of these two new people may even be a better and stronger one that what we had before. if only we can be strong enough to survive this trying period.
leaving is the easier option, but is it necessarily the best? i know i've been through so much in the past 1 year, but i also know that there are people who has undergone tougher times and survived. for me to have chosen to stay in the marriage, i've inadvertently placed him also in a position to work hard. but we both are willing to not just for the kids, but also that we know it would be very difficult to start life anew without each other. this is a shaking down period, and i know that there may be more quarrels to come, and we're both walking on very thin ice now when it comes to anything related to this episode.
contrary to what ppl may think, we do not live in fear of each other at all. we also do not pass our frailities to our children or even his parents. my parents are still in the dark as to what has transpired. the elder one is happier seeing him daddy so much more now than ever. i'm happier now having a husband who is connected rather than distanced like he was over the past year. i know all these very well, and i appreciate the positive change in him. to be fair to him, he has become a person more worthy of my love and affection even before this past year. during a huge quarrel couple of nights back, he said something that made me think - 'it was my fault and i'm sorry. i've changed and i keep trying to come back but you keep blocking me.'
the hurdle now is for me to really open my heart to accepting that he has made a grave mistake, and to let him in again. but this definitely takes time, but most importantly is that i know that eventually i will.
he has his pride and ego, and he's human too. i know that if i continue to dwell on the past, he'll not be able to take it and eventually give up even though it was his fault to begin with. putting myself in his position, would i want to listen and rehash all my shameful deeds and being reminded of how much i hurt him with how wilful and stupid i was? i dont think anybody wants that. he's trying to deal with it in his own way, and although his way may not be the best way, as least i know he is indeed trying. it gets clearer to me each day.
i know its pointless to keep revisiting and experiencing the hurt all over again. and i'm trying as hard as i can to tamper my emotions and let my head do the talking. but as everyone knows, emotions can be difficult to control, and especially with my very raw state, its even more difficult for me to handle my own emotions with a very precocious toddler, and at times cranky baby on hand. i need to give myself some slack, and i'm very grateful to have such a wonderful mil with me.
despite all the things he did and said to me last year, i believe he still has a conscience. and that very conscience was what sparked off my suspicious i nthe first place.
so since now we've both decided to stay put and work it out, i have confidence that this new marriage of these two new people may even be a better and stronger one that what we had before. if only we can be strong enough to survive this trying period.
serene_yam
New Member
Hi Stardust,
I am glad to hear of your conviction in wanting to work together with your hb for the marriage. That's good. The thing I find abit disturbing now, and hence made me worried for you is: You keep on coming to this forum and talk about it. No, please don't be mistaken, I definitely welcome your inputs, I'm sure that all forummers welcome your presence too. But just that I see that you can also make some other steps too, by not writing about the negative past again, or even the positive present. Because the more you write or read about what's being written, the harder it is for you to really be positive and happy about the whole situation for long. Human minds tend to want to look at the negative side....maybe I'm wrong, but the first step to really make your marriage work, is to stop reading the forum, and put sole concentration on your hb and family....at least for the present and few months ahead....and not be distracted by any post given by us here (both positive and negative). You have already made your own choice, and I sincerely wish you and your hb all the best in making your union better. Hence, keep up your good effort! and don't think of anything else, at least for now
Cheers
I am glad to hear of your conviction in wanting to work together with your hb for the marriage. That's good. The thing I find abit disturbing now, and hence made me worried for you is: You keep on coming to this forum and talk about it. No, please don't be mistaken, I definitely welcome your inputs, I'm sure that all forummers welcome your presence too. But just that I see that you can also make some other steps too, by not writing about the negative past again, or even the positive present. Because the more you write or read about what's being written, the harder it is for you to really be positive and happy about the whole situation for long. Human minds tend to want to look at the negative side....maybe I'm wrong, but the first step to really make your marriage work, is to stop reading the forum, and put sole concentration on your hb and family....at least for the present and few months ahead....and not be distracted by any post given by us here (both positive and negative). You have already made your own choice, and I sincerely wish you and your hb all the best in making your union better. Hence, keep up your good effort! and don't think of anything else, at least for now
Serene,
I don't quite agree we have to get away from the forum intentionally. the forum does nothing. It is all in us. If a forum can affect us so much - whatever is written, then I really worry for her.
And for some, at least for me. Writing and reading is a release mechanism. It helps to crystallize my thoughts because I need to think before I write.
Otherwise I agree that she should focus on things important to her. Forum is incidental.. just an outlet .. nothing more
I don't quite agree we have to get away from the forum intentionally. the forum does nothing. It is all in us. If a forum can affect us so much - whatever is written, then I really worry for her.
And for some, at least for me. Writing and reading is a release mechanism. It helps to crystallize my thoughts because I need to think before I write.
Otherwise I agree that she should focus on things important to her. Forum is incidental.. just an outlet .. nothing more
serene_yam
New Member
sm, I'm just sharing with her about my thoughts. Because she's sort of going through what I went through years ago. And for my case then, i moved on with my then-hb totally after I detached myself from forum. I agree with you that writing and reading is a release mechanism. She can do that by blogging, by penning down her thoughts and feelings. What I'm worried is that the numerous advices, well-meaning etc, are only confusing and clouding her heart, making her step back and step forth here and there....Stardust has decided, so her concentration should be on her hb and family. By remaining here and reading all the different advices we have, I'm just worried that it'll impede her efforts for her hb....We all mean well for her definitely, but too many differing views may just very well be very confusing for her....and it's definitely not good to keep reminding herself of her past hurts here. It may hinder one's progress to move on. Maybe when we see Stardust appearing in the same forum few months later, she'll be more of a vibrant personality with a happy workable marriage
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Serene, your worry is undue. I can see Stardust very determined to stay in the marriage and to make it work even if she has to do it herself.
I don't think she is very much affected by our advices. She has a mind of her own.. If she is so easily swayed by the advices here she would have left her hb..
But I do agree.. The forum does nothing.. if she has better things to do then she should focus on it.
The one that will remind her of her past hurts is her hb... does it mean she should not see her HB? She has to go through this difficult period. It is the road she chose.
But I do agree.. The forum does nothing.. if she has better things to do then she should focus on it.
The one that will remind her of her past hurts is her hb... does it mean she should not see her HB? She has to go through this difficult period. It is the road she chose.
thank you ever so much for all your concern about my well-being. i can never say it enough - i really do appreciate it. =)
i suppose different people differing ways of dealing with events.and of course what works for one may not work for another. to me, the forum is a way of expressing my thoughts and feelings, and i welcome feedback on it knowing very well that there may be extremes. after all, even snowflakes are never identical, what more humans?
i cant very well take advice wholesale and follow suit because whatever i've posted, or whatever anyone with a problem posts, for the matter, is never a 100% accurate representative of the actual event. everything that is posted is very much swayed to the person's POV. i may very well have left out some pertinent points which i didnt feel necessary which may actually be critical to the assessment of this whole issue. and bearing in mind that although i've tried my best to give the facts and be objective, let's face it, i may not be in a very stable state of mind at the time of each post. i dont think its very possible to be 100% objective when i post because i'm one of the major players in this whole fiasco.
but once again, i understand that every single person who has spent their time to type their opinions from the bottom of their hearts are sincerely concerned for my well-being, except for a few posts that are obviously just in for the fun. those i just as obviously ignore. after all, this is a free space.
i sense an upward trend in the progress of our marriage, and i believe that if there are no more shakes to topple our fragile improvements, we are on the right track on the mend. like i said before, i find this new hubby of mine easier and more worthy of my love. there is always a little devil that pops up every now and then and gives me all that 'but...', 'what if...' crap, and i've prepared myself for that. and although it is rather shallow, the more love and care and concern and attention he showers on me, the stronger i am to withstand these doubts. perhaps some ppl may say i am weak, that i'm such a loser. well, i agree, but this loser is going to play to win from now on.
i suppose different people differing ways of dealing with events.and of course what works for one may not work for another. to me, the forum is a way of expressing my thoughts and feelings, and i welcome feedback on it knowing very well that there may be extremes. after all, even snowflakes are never identical, what more humans?
i cant very well take advice wholesale and follow suit because whatever i've posted, or whatever anyone with a problem posts, for the matter, is never a 100% accurate representative of the actual event. everything that is posted is very much swayed to the person's POV. i may very well have left out some pertinent points which i didnt feel necessary which may actually be critical to the assessment of this whole issue. and bearing in mind that although i've tried my best to give the facts and be objective, let's face it, i may not be in a very stable state of mind at the time of each post. i dont think its very possible to be 100% objective when i post because i'm one of the major players in this whole fiasco.
but once again, i understand that every single person who has spent their time to type their opinions from the bottom of their hearts are sincerely concerned for my well-being, except for a few posts that are obviously just in for the fun. those i just as obviously ignore. after all, this is a free space.
i sense an upward trend in the progress of our marriage, and i believe that if there are no more shakes to topple our fragile improvements, we are on the right track on the mend. like i said before, i find this new hubby of mine easier and more worthy of my love. there is always a little devil that pops up every now and then and gives me all that 'but...', 'what if...' crap, and i've prepared myself for that. and although it is rather shallow, the more love and care and concern and attention he showers on me, the stronger i am to withstand these doubts. perhaps some ppl may say i am weak, that i'm such a loser. well, i agree, but this loser is going to play to win from now on.
serene_yam
New Member
Ok, that's great, stardust
it's fine to fall into the emo-cycle once in awhile, as the incidents are after all still rather fresh on your mind. Important thing now is to concentrate on your hb and marriage. Think positive
hi stardust, really glad to hear the improvements in the recent weeks!! From your finding out the truth to your initial decision to file for divorce to changing your mind to staying on in the marriage to the present of both of you working to make this relationship this marriage work and worthwhile... I am truly happy for you!
But as many have mentioned here as well, take your time in this period of healing and forgiving. There will be moments of lows that might hit you from time to time... but from the sounds of things, now you and your husband can face these low times together
Take care
But as many have mentioned here as well, take your time in this period of healing and forgiving. There will be moments of lows that might hit you from time to time... but from the sounds of things, now you and your husband can face these low times together
Take care
Yes I feel that I still run thru emo- cycles. I still think of them together like,20 times a day,but I tell myself they should be hit n run thoughts,n I try not to dwell on them. Most of the times I succeed,but the few times I don't,I experience the heartache all over again n it's as fresh as if it's happening right this moment. Anything that has a date between march 2009 to 1st feb 2010 simply makes me think of what they did together, go overseas together,have meals,hold hands, laugh n smile...How he lied so obviously n yet I chose to be blinded against the ugly truth I didn't want to face leaves me feeling like the stupidest, most idiotic,most useless person that walks the earth.
Whenever I start feeling like that,I try to remind myself of the better person he's trying hard to become now.
Whenever I start feeling like that,I try to remind myself of the better person he's trying hard to become now.
serene_yam
New Member
Yes Stardust, look at the positive
Life is good, only as good as you make it out to be
So be positive
Hi everyone,just a little update. We just had our dr's appt n hubby has been diagnosed as ADHD n thus requires medication. On my side, I still find it difficult to let go simply because I can't find closure and am not able to find closure because he simply refuses to talk about it anymore. To
him,it's over and buried and he cannot even stand any references to this issue. I on the other hand,link every single thing to that issue.not on purpose,bit somehow or other. I've been diagnosed as suffering from obsessional thoughts n dr would like for me to go on medication as well,but I'm reluctant because I still want to continue breastfeeding my child. When I brought this point up,dr said that it's of course up to me,but to continue suffering from such obsessional thoughts is very exhausting n mentally draining on me,which I fully concur. I've asked him to give me time to consider but my friend is not very for med because it may turn out to be a long term reliance and she advised me to rely on strength of mind instead since i've already been so strong all this while. My hubby's concern is for my own mental well being,but he's leaving the decision to me because he knows how imptly I view breastfeeding. He said he's already doing the best he can,and I've told him in front of my dr too,that I recognise and I appreciate his efforts and this has nothing to do with him any longer,it's my problem and I have to handle it on my own. So now I'm at a crossroad, should I stop bf n start on medication to kill these recurrent thoughts,stop reliving the past year and stop living in the past. Or should I strive on banking on my mental strength and endure until these thoughts fade away with time so that I can continue bf?
To those who feel that this is a crappy crossroad to be in, I have to reiterate how strongly I view exclusive bf at the very least for the child's first year. And by stopping by choice,I will feel horribly guilty toward my baby by putting my own well being above his.
him,it's over and buried and he cannot even stand any references to this issue. I on the other hand,link every single thing to that issue.not on purpose,bit somehow or other. I've been diagnosed as suffering from obsessional thoughts n dr would like for me to go on medication as well,but I'm reluctant because I still want to continue breastfeeding my child. When I brought this point up,dr said that it's of course up to me,but to continue suffering from such obsessional thoughts is very exhausting n mentally draining on me,which I fully concur. I've asked him to give me time to consider but my friend is not very for med because it may turn out to be a long term reliance and she advised me to rely on strength of mind instead since i've already been so strong all this while. My hubby's concern is for my own mental well being,but he's leaving the decision to me because he knows how imptly I view breastfeeding. He said he's already doing the best he can,and I've told him in front of my dr too,that I recognise and I appreciate his efforts and this has nothing to do with him any longer,it's my problem and I have to handle it on my own. So now I'm at a crossroad, should I stop bf n start on medication to kill these recurrent thoughts,stop reliving the past year and stop living in the past. Or should I strive on banking on my mental strength and endure until these thoughts fade away with time so that I can continue bf?
To those who feel that this is a crappy crossroad to be in, I have to reiterate how strongly I view exclusive bf at the very least for the child's first year. And by stopping by choice,I will feel horribly guilty toward my baby by putting my own well being above his.
Breastfeeding is for sure the best for your baby.. but not been able to breast is not the end of the world. It does not mean your baby will grow up sick or stupid..
There are many healthy children growing up with bottled milks. My three beautiful girls had only about a month of breastfeeding.. and they grew up on bottled milk. They are as healthy as any other kid. There is no need to feel guilty.
But I understand this is a personal decision. Your conviction is very important. If you feel that breastfeeding is very important than continue on it.
As to using your own mental strength - it can be done but sometimes it is not enough. People can tell you to be strong and to use your mental thoughts but you are only as strong as you can be. If you continue to have such obsessional thoughts, it may mean that you are still not able to let go. Your hb is not helping it as he is not supporting you. But you can't blame him too much. The psyche of your hb is that he wants to put everything behind and not talk about it. And it is true, why talk about it if both wants to move forward. And if still keep on harping that you can't let go without talking about it, there is no end to it.
I know I am not giving any good advice here but merely to let you see the issues.
So either you bear with it for a hear or you stop breastfeeding and take medication. There is really no right decision. You have to make it yourself.
There are many healthy children growing up with bottled milks. My three beautiful girls had only about a month of breastfeeding.. and they grew up on bottled milk. They are as healthy as any other kid. There is no need to feel guilty.
But I understand this is a personal decision. Your conviction is very important. If you feel that breastfeeding is very important than continue on it.
As to using your own mental strength - it can be done but sometimes it is not enough. People can tell you to be strong and to use your mental thoughts but you are only as strong as you can be. If you continue to have such obsessional thoughts, it may mean that you are still not able to let go. Your hb is not helping it as he is not supporting you. But you can't blame him too much. The psyche of your hb is that he wants to put everything behind and not talk about it. And it is true, why talk about it if both wants to move forward. And if still keep on harping that you can't let go without talking about it, there is no end to it.
I know I am not giving any good advice here but merely to let you see the issues.
So either you bear with it for a hear or you stop breastfeeding and take medication. There is really no right decision. You have to make it yourself.
I think you should not be linking every single thing to that issue. Why are you letting her take over all your memories with you and your hubby? Why let her play such a important role in your marriage life? If your hubby has chosen you over her, then she is nothing but a history. why let her invade your life?
If i'm you, i'll concentrate on taking over all his memories with her. I'll let my happy memories with my hubby, take over their memories. I'll not avoid any of the places that they've been to, instead I will go and have some happy time with my hubby there. Just so that the place will not exclusive to her. Not sure if I'm making sense, but I will not let her a important part in our life.
If i'm you, i'll concentrate on taking over all his memories with her. I'll let my happy memories with my hubby, take over their memories. I'll not avoid any of the places that they've been to, instead I will go and have some happy time with my hubby there. Just so that the place will not exclusive to her. Not sure if I'm making sense, but I will not let her a important part in our life.
stardust,
has there been a link established between his ADHD and the actions he took in the past? ie his infidelity/indifference etc were becos of ADHD?
has your entire sanity or insantiy, been attributed entirely to your mental condition?
i have no doubt that there may be some mental conditions in both of u, but i also believe that if i head to see the same doc, i'd prob be found to have some mental conditions too.
i think it's either we're at "now that explains everything"... OR "i need something new and credible enough to attribute all the past suffering to".
sori to do this to u, it's something i hope u keep in the back of your head. u take care.
has there been a link established between his ADHD and the actions he took in the past? ie his infidelity/indifference etc were becos of ADHD?
has your entire sanity or insantiy, been attributed entirely to your mental condition?
i have no doubt that there may be some mental conditions in both of u, but i also believe that if i head to see the same doc, i'd prob be found to have some mental conditions too.
i think it's either we're at "now that explains everything"... OR "i need something new and credible enough to attribute all the past suffering to".
sori to do this to u, it's something i hope u keep in the back of your head. u take care.
Hi Stardust
I have been following your posting but this is my first time writing to you.
I do understand your feeling and dwelling on the past because I am in the same boat as you.
I found out hubby had started a relationship with a China girl in Nov 08 and still dwell on the past even he had ended the relationship in Dec 08 which I am very sure. I do understand that it hard for both party if I choose to stay put and he working hard to savle the marriage but I can't help it. I tend to feel lost and start to imagine things if he don't call me or back on time, sometime I really hate myself too being so useless as can't forget the past and we do quarrel over and over because of the past. He asked me is it worth to qurrel because of the past which I also don't understand why I can't forget and claimed that I had forgiven him. To him if I had forgiven him I should had forgotten the past by now.
Stardust all the best to you and me .... hope we could work hard to forget the past and build our marriage in due course.
I have been following your posting but this is my first time writing to you.
I do understand your feeling and dwelling on the past because I am in the same boat as you.
I found out hubby had started a relationship with a China girl in Nov 08 and still dwell on the past even he had ended the relationship in Dec 08 which I am very sure. I do understand that it hard for both party if I choose to stay put and he working hard to savle the marriage but I can't help it. I tend to feel lost and start to imagine things if he don't call me or back on time, sometime I really hate myself too being so useless as can't forget the past and we do quarrel over and over because of the past. He asked me is it worth to qurrel because of the past which I also don't understand why I can't forget and claimed that I had forgiven him. To him if I had forgiven him I should had forgotten the past by now.
Stardust all the best to you and me .... hope we could work hard to forget the past and build our marriage in due course.
Hi all,
thanks for all the opinions. I've indeed thought thru alot of issues n many points that has been brought up in all your posts,have at one point or other crossed my mind. A friend brought up the point that it's more impt for my kids to have a happy n healthy mummy than bm.
It's not that I link things on purpose. In fact I know very well that there is no good purpose for recalling all the past events,n it's not doing any good.that's why my dr says when a person knows it's illogical n negative but yet still cannot help thinking abt it,it's obsessional. Which means to say it's out of my control n to eradicate this condition,the easiest n most efficient way is by medication-within 2 to 3 weeks I'll realize a great difference.
As for how much hubby's ADHD relates to the affair,it's very much how he started it. First emotions comes in - he feels sympathy for her - then it develops into feelings. (oh gosh it hurts even to type abt it) to a person who doesn't have the intention to go out n cruise for opportunities,the logical n sensible thing to do is to stop n leave feelings as feelings n take no further action. Which I believe has been discussed much earlier on here.that we do not stop feeling attracted to others simply because we're married,but we curb n control these feelings of attraction n go no further. To him,his impulsive tendencies, restlessness n boredom with our life(ADHD symptoms) has spurred him to take it another step further in the name of fun and excitement. (pls don't trash me for saying this,I'm not defending him,these words are from our
dr)
mummy gbc,
I'm sorry to hear that you've gone thru this horrible situation too. Their affair lasted only a month? For myself, the difficult part stems not only from the actual acts of betrayal,but also the length of mental n emotional torture he put me thru since I knew abt this woman's dubious relationship with him since July last yr.n of course the little tell tale signs which I noticed this time last yr bur chose to brush off. If I were persistent enough n weren't such a weakling I might have exposed it earlier n saved myself so much extra months of misery,excess emotional baggage n horrifying memories
thanks for all the opinions. I've indeed thought thru alot of issues n many points that has been brought up in all your posts,have at one point or other crossed my mind. A friend brought up the point that it's more impt for my kids to have a happy n healthy mummy than bm.
It's not that I link things on purpose. In fact I know very well that there is no good purpose for recalling all the past events,n it's not doing any good.that's why my dr says when a person knows it's illogical n negative but yet still cannot help thinking abt it,it's obsessional. Which means to say it's out of my control n to eradicate this condition,the easiest n most efficient way is by medication-within 2 to 3 weeks I'll realize a great difference.
As for how much hubby's ADHD relates to the affair,it's very much how he started it. First emotions comes in - he feels sympathy for her - then it develops into feelings. (oh gosh it hurts even to type abt it) to a person who doesn't have the intention to go out n cruise for opportunities,the logical n sensible thing to do is to stop n leave feelings as feelings n take no further action. Which I believe has been discussed much earlier on here.that we do not stop feeling attracted to others simply because we're married,but we curb n control these feelings of attraction n go no further. To him,his impulsive tendencies, restlessness n boredom with our life(ADHD symptoms) has spurred him to take it another step further in the name of fun and excitement. (pls don't trash me for saying this,I'm not defending him,these words are from our
dr)
mummy gbc,
I'm sorry to hear that you've gone thru this horrible situation too. Their affair lasted only a month? For myself, the difficult part stems not only from the actual acts of betrayal,but also the length of mental n emotional torture he put me thru since I knew abt this woman's dubious relationship with him since July last yr.n of course the little tell tale signs which I noticed this time last yr bur chose to brush off. If I were persistent enough n weren't such a weakling I might have exposed it earlier n saved myself so much extra months of misery,excess emotional baggage n horrifying memories
I think you tend to over-analyze too much.
And I think the doctors too. You know medical diagnosis is basically a process of elimination. Doctors eliminate each cause one by one.. until they find the most logical cause. At times, it is much more complex, especially psychiatric causes.
I been through with friends who have gone through such. At times, it is almost self-fulfilling to listen to what the doctors are saying. They mentioned something, and the patient will make sure that it is what exactly the doctor is saying.
I am not saying that don't trust your doctor or anything like that. Perhaps a second opinion may be helpful.
I have a friend suffering from bi-polar.. and she listens to the doctors.. medication after medication and suffered all the side-effects.. in and out of hospital, numerous suicide attempts, being chained to hospital bed.. and many terrible terrible episodes. It was only after more than 10 years that when she sought a second opinion decided to take matters in her own hands.. wean herself of the medication, meet more people, engage in more meaningful activities.. and viola, her disorder was in full remission.
Modern diagnosis of obsessions, ADHD and other disorders can easily be mis-diagnosed.. And it is easy to blame our behaviours on such disorders when in reality, we are very much in control.
I am not dismissing your obsessions nor your hb's ADHD but just to let you see other possibilities..
And I think the doctors too. You know medical diagnosis is basically a process of elimination. Doctors eliminate each cause one by one.. until they find the most logical cause. At times, it is much more complex, especially psychiatric causes.
I been through with friends who have gone through such. At times, it is almost self-fulfilling to listen to what the doctors are saying. They mentioned something, and the patient will make sure that it is what exactly the doctor is saying.
I am not saying that don't trust your doctor or anything like that. Perhaps a second opinion may be helpful.
I have a friend suffering from bi-polar.. and she listens to the doctors.. medication after medication and suffered all the side-effects.. in and out of hospital, numerous suicide attempts, being chained to hospital bed.. and many terrible terrible episodes. It was only after more than 10 years that when she sought a second opinion decided to take matters in her own hands.. wean herself of the medication, meet more people, engage in more meaningful activities.. and viola, her disorder was in full remission.
Modern diagnosis of obsessions, ADHD and other disorders can easily be mis-diagnosed.. And it is easy to blame our behaviours on such disorders when in reality, we are very much in control.
I am not dismissing your obsessions nor your hb's ADHD but just to let you see other possibilities..
infojunkie
Active Member
hey stardust,
think twice b4 going for the med... u will hv short-term successes but long-term hmm... not too bright... based on my 1st hand experience...
pls take care ok?
think twice b4 going for the med... u will hv short-term successes but long-term hmm... not too bright... based on my 1st hand experience...
pls take care ok?
infojunkie
Active Member
btw, do u like classical music?
i listen to Glenn Gould's 1955 edition of the "The Goldberg Variations" when i'm down in the dumps... it helps me alot
i hope it can help u too... in case u wanna get the CD, remember it's by Glenn Gould, 1955 ver not 1981 (u r tooo young for that
)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGY9tHHM63Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uME_VqKM5iw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8OURqmVpbY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF1ne-jH33g&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1bVPYvfb9g&feature=related
i listen to Glenn Gould's 1955 edition of the "The Goldberg Variations" when i'm down in the dumps... it helps me alot
i hope it can help u too... in case u wanna get the CD, remember it's by Glenn Gould, 1955 ver not 1981 (u r tooo young for that
) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGY9tHHM63Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uME_VqKM5iw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8OURqmVpbY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF1ne-jH33g&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1bVPYvfb9g&feature=related
serene_yam
New Member
Hi Stardust,
Seriously I think the fact that you keep on typing the incident over and over again will not be doing you much good. It's akin to you talking to your friend/hb all over and over again about the incident. What most of the spouse (the party who commits adultery and if ever is repentful) wants is to forget ENTIRELY about the incident (adultery). And the first step to forget, is to stop harping on the incident over and over again. I know that as women, or the party who's not the one committing adultery, we tend to dwell on the incident, the issues and analyzing. I don't mean to say we can't think about the incident at all. But there's a great difference between just giving it some thoughts and dwelling upon it.
From what I see, you must find out what are the better ways for you to stop dwelling and harping on the incident. Of course you need an outlet to vent your thoughts and feelings, but you should have some cut-off time for these. It's really not healthy for your marriage, if your main intention is to work the relationship. I believe that your hb doesn't want to keep on feeling that he's the 'sinner'. As for the doc and medical part, what SM pointed out were very true. It's so easy and 'normal' for us to attribute whatever situations to ADHD, depression, psychological and behavioural problems. Well, ultimately, so what if you attribute to these various factors? Apart from medication, what else can be done? What actions can be taken from the parties? It's action plan.
I sincerely wish you and your hb the best. Hence please, please, please do not dwell on the part issues. Please start on a clean slate. And stop harping on the past.
Seriously I think the fact that you keep on typing the incident over and over again will not be doing you much good. It's akin to you talking to your friend/hb all over and over again about the incident. What most of the spouse (the party who commits adultery and if ever is repentful) wants is to forget ENTIRELY about the incident (adultery). And the first step to forget, is to stop harping on the incident over and over again. I know that as women, or the party who's not the one committing adultery, we tend to dwell on the incident, the issues and analyzing. I don't mean to say we can't think about the incident at all. But there's a great difference between just giving it some thoughts and dwelling upon it.
From what I see, you must find out what are the better ways for you to stop dwelling and harping on the incident. Of course you need an outlet to vent your thoughts and feelings, but you should have some cut-off time for these. It's really not healthy for your marriage, if your main intention is to work the relationship. I believe that your hb doesn't want to keep on feeling that he's the 'sinner'. As for the doc and medical part, what SM pointed out were very true. It's so easy and 'normal' for us to attribute whatever situations to ADHD, depression, psychological and behavioural problems. Well, ultimately, so what if you attribute to these various factors? Apart from medication, what else can be done? What actions can be taken from the parties? It's action plan.
I sincerely wish you and your hb the best. Hence please, please, please do not dwell on the part issues. Please start on a clean slate. And stop harping on the past.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
I am worried for your children, Stardust.
Your husband has ADHD while you have depression. I hope you have kept both sets of your parents informed of these conditions, and to seek their help with the children if things get out of your hands.
When it warrants medication, it's no small matter. Don't, because of face issue or out of shame, keep the mental conditions a secret. You need help from external parties.
Your husband has ADHD while you have depression. I hope you have kept both sets of your parents informed of these conditions, and to seek their help with the children if things get out of your hands.
When it warrants medication, it's no small matter. Don't, because of face issue or out of shame, keep the mental conditions a secret. You need help from external parties.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Too add.....
Instead of focusing on the mental conditions themselves and relating them back to historical events, believe it will be more helpful to plan for contingencies as a result of the mental conditions.
Instead of focusing on the mental conditions themselves and relating them back to historical events, believe it will be more helpful to plan for contingencies as a result of the mental conditions.
stardust,
i am also a person who tend to think too much, so sometimes when i find my thoughts wandering to the negative side, i will say to myself loudly (have to really say it out, not jux mentally, saying it out will prevent your mind from spinning the negative thoughts momentarily)
- 开心也è¦æ´»ï¼Œä¸å¼€å¿ƒä¹Ÿè¦æ´»ï¼Œé‚£ä¸å¦‚选择开开心心地活?（Happy also mux live, unhappy also mux live, then y not choose to live happily?).
Once i say it, i let out a hugh sigh n quickly get back to whatever I am supposed to be doing...sometimes this method works, especially when the nosey parker in my mind start to create havoc, n by saying it out loudly, it tends to bring me back to my senses...of cox, this method wun be able to heal ur pain n wound(to be honest, it also doesn't solve my problems), but sometimes it works for temporary escape, especially when u r supposed to be doing something n negative thoughts creep in...hopes it helps...
i am also a person who tend to think too much, so sometimes when i find my thoughts wandering to the negative side, i will say to myself loudly (have to really say it out, not jux mentally, saying it out will prevent your mind from spinning the negative thoughts momentarily)
- 开心也è¦æ´»ï¼Œä¸å¼€å¿ƒä¹Ÿè¦æ´»ï¼Œé‚£ä¸å¦‚选择开开心心地活?（Happy also mux live, unhappy also mux live, then y not choose to live happily?).
Once i say it, i let out a hugh sigh n quickly get back to whatever I am supposed to be doing...sometimes this method works, especially when the nosey parker in my mind start to create havoc, n by saying it out loudly, it tends to bring me back to my senses...of cox, this method wun be able to heal ur pain n wound(to be honest, it also doesn't solve my problems), but sometimes it works for temporary escape, especially when u r supposed to be doing something n negative thoughts creep in...hopes it helps...
joiedevivre
New Member
Hi stardust,
I tend to over-think a lot of things too. Maybe it is a woman thing... especially after the trauma you have gone through.
What I read before is the best way to "cure" such thoughts is to take a two-pronged approach, with medicine and coping skills. Your doctor can advise you more about this...
Personally, I would choose to breastfeed the baby because I believe medicine will have negative side effects such as it may make you feel sleepy or make you slow down. No offence, but I think some doctors don't know other solutions besides medicine...
You are already much better mentally and emotionally. Since you are quite in favour of breastfeeding, maybe you would like try some other coping techniques for your thoughts before considering medicine? Try your best... if really cannot then use medicine to control. At least then you won't feel so guilty towards your baby.
I tend to over-think a lot of things too. Maybe it is a woman thing... especially after the trauma you have gone through.
What I read before is the best way to "cure" such thoughts is to take a two-pronged approach, with medicine and coping skills. Your doctor can advise you more about this...
Personally, I would choose to breastfeed the baby because I believe medicine will have negative side effects such as it may make you feel sleepy or make you slow down. No offence, but I think some doctors don't know other solutions besides medicine...
You are already much better mentally and emotionally. Since you are quite in favour of breastfeeding, maybe you would like try some other coping techniques for your thoughts before considering medicine? Try your best... if really cannot then use medicine to control. At least then you won't feel so guilty towards your baby.
autumntime
New Member
Hi Stardust,
I understand all that you've gone through and are currently going through. Speaking from experience, I know that it is difficult to get over a shocking & painful betrayal overnight. But I want you to know that we as human beings are psychologically more adaptive than we think/ know.
A few years ago, I was confronted with my husband's affair. Never before knew that it could ever happen to me... we were together since our school days and always only had each other. I was in deep shock, all the more because I never took things for granted - maintained my figure and looks after 2 kids and was always very attentive to my husband's needs, and never depended on him financially. I also trusted him 100%, never checked on him, never suspected him of anything... hence, I was so shattered at the "accidental" discovery that I even felt suicidal briefly. Naturally, divorce was on my mind too. He begged me real hard for another chance. I decided to give our marriage another shot because it didn't take him long to give up the other party (they were together for a few short months). He sobbered up quite quickly and realised who he really wanted. I was so prepared to let him go then. Saw no point in keeping a man whose heart was no longer with me. But he refused and immediately ended his affair.
I'd be lying if I said that the road to the recovery of our marriage has been easy. It definitely has not. I struggled very hard within myself in the initial months. Even after 2-3 years, I still occasionally think about it and feel lousy. It's more like a battle of my mind. My husband had truly repented. He's still not a perfect man, we still argue sometimes over other matters but absolutely no more infidelity on his part. He also didn't put me in a position to doubt him or suspect him.
I'm not sure if there's any help to you (and other betrayed wives) by sharing my story. But our marriage did survive the affair. It hasn't been easy... I had to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil myself and I, too, felt that he didn't seem to do enough to ease my pain initially. I couldn't get the affair out of my head... and yet, he wanted no mention of it. I said the same thing to him... I was always digging for details with the justification/ excuse that I wanted closure... but honestly, my husband was right... I wasn't helping him at all by reminding him constantly. So each time I felt depressed (especially in the night), I dealt with it myself... I tried to rationalise/ intellectualise my feelings and thoughts and guide them towards a positive direction e.g. I focused on the good that came out of it. My husband was more open to me than before and he also treasured the kids and me much more than before - more family-oriented. Sometimes, when memories of the affair hit me in the night, I don't tell him, I ask instead that he hug and hold me in bed. Well, I prayed too.
It's amazing how time had passed since it happened. In the first year or so, I still harboured thoughts of a divorce. I felt like I should move on as I felt a lot of injustice for myself. Looking back, I'm just so glad that I pulled through that period and not throw in the towel. What made it harder was that I kept it from all my close friends (coz I wanted to protect him and felt that it'll be harder for him if more people knew), I didn't share on forums, or visit any marriage counsellor. Only my closest family knew but they did not bring it up or talk to me about it either, thinking that it's better not to remind me. I was hurting very badly on the inside. I kept a journal and prayed my way out of depression. Mentally, I was determined to stay strong.
Stardust, if I were you, I would continue to breastfeed (but everyone is different). There's more than one way to treat anxieties or obsessions... medication's not the only way. There's always cognitive therapy and emotional therapy. You can also control the direction of your thoughts if you make a conscious effort. It's good to pen your feelings & thoughts in a journal so that you can keep track of your own emotional progress. See a therapist if you need to. Or a good friend may just help as much. All you need is someone mature and reliable who would listen. Talking & writing will release the negative emotions inside of you and keep you mentally healthy and sane.
All the best, Stardust! Don't give up easily if you have made the decision to give your marriage another shot. Mine could have been another divorce statistic years back if I had just walked away. Of course, it takes 2 committed individuals to make a marriage work. If one spouse is not willing to stay faithful and work towards a good marriage, it's simply not possible.
It's easier these days to end a marriage than to save a marriage.
I understand all that you've gone through and are currently going through. Speaking from experience, I know that it is difficult to get over a shocking & painful betrayal overnight. But I want you to know that we as human beings are psychologically more adaptive than we think/ know.
A few years ago, I was confronted with my husband's affair. Never before knew that it could ever happen to me... we were together since our school days and always only had each other. I was in deep shock, all the more because I never took things for granted - maintained my figure and looks after 2 kids and was always very attentive to my husband's needs, and never depended on him financially. I also trusted him 100%, never checked on him, never suspected him of anything... hence, I was so shattered at the "accidental" discovery that I even felt suicidal briefly. Naturally, divorce was on my mind too. He begged me real hard for another chance. I decided to give our marriage another shot because it didn't take him long to give up the other party (they were together for a few short months). He sobbered up quite quickly and realised who he really wanted. I was so prepared to let him go then. Saw no point in keeping a man whose heart was no longer with me. But he refused and immediately ended his affair.
I'd be lying if I said that the road to the recovery of our marriage has been easy. It definitely has not. I struggled very hard within myself in the initial months. Even after 2-3 years, I still occasionally think about it and feel lousy. It's more like a battle of my mind. My husband had truly repented. He's still not a perfect man, we still argue sometimes over other matters but absolutely no more infidelity on his part. He also didn't put me in a position to doubt him or suspect him.
I'm not sure if there's any help to you (and other betrayed wives) by sharing my story. But our marriage did survive the affair. It hasn't been easy... I had to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil myself and I, too, felt that he didn't seem to do enough to ease my pain initially. I couldn't get the affair out of my head... and yet, he wanted no mention of it. I said the same thing to him... I was always digging for details with the justification/ excuse that I wanted closure... but honestly, my husband was right... I wasn't helping him at all by reminding him constantly. So each time I felt depressed (especially in the night), I dealt with it myself... I tried to rationalise/ intellectualise my feelings and thoughts and guide them towards a positive direction e.g. I focused on the good that came out of it. My husband was more open to me than before and he also treasured the kids and me much more than before - more family-oriented. Sometimes, when memories of the affair hit me in the night, I don't tell him, I ask instead that he hug and hold me in bed. Well, I prayed too.
It's amazing how time had passed since it happened. In the first year or so, I still harboured thoughts of a divorce. I felt like I should move on as I felt a lot of injustice for myself. Looking back, I'm just so glad that I pulled through that period and not throw in the towel. What made it harder was that I kept it from all my close friends (coz I wanted to protect him and felt that it'll be harder for him if more people knew), I didn't share on forums, or visit any marriage counsellor. Only my closest family knew but they did not bring it up or talk to me about it either, thinking that it's better not to remind me. I was hurting very badly on the inside. I kept a journal and prayed my way out of depression. Mentally, I was determined to stay strong.
Stardust, if I were you, I would continue to breastfeed (but everyone is different). There's more than one way to treat anxieties or obsessions... medication's not the only way. There's always cognitive therapy and emotional therapy. You can also control the direction of your thoughts if you make a conscious effort. It's good to pen your feelings & thoughts in a journal so that you can keep track of your own emotional progress. See a therapist if you need to. Or a good friend may just help as much. All you need is someone mature and reliable who would listen. Talking & writing will release the negative emotions inside of you and keep you mentally healthy and sane.
All the best, Stardust! Don't give up easily if you have made the decision to give your marriage another shot. Mine could have been another divorce statistic years back if I had just walked away. Of course, it takes 2 committed individuals to make a marriage work. If one spouse is not willing to stay faithful and work towards a good marriage, it's simply not possible.
It's easier these days to end a marriage than to save a marriage.
Hello everyone,
thank you so much for all your support. It really isn't easy and I really all these will pass soon.
Autumn time, your words are exactly the same as what's been floating around in my head. N similarly, we've been together since school days and were each other's first and only.
I've really lost all confidence in myself and I feel lousy all the time. But I know I'm walking thru a difficult path now and I tell myself these lousy feelings are temporary and will not last. Same here, I kept it from everyone, friends or family alike. My in laws only knew of it when I packed up, took my baby n left on the day it was exposed. And of course my friend got to know of it because I took refuge at her place. Even til now my parents doesn't know anything.
I know very well he will never leave me and our family for another,but knowing he had a relationship,physical and emotional with another woman is enough to kill me.
I repeat to myself that I've made a choice and I owe it to myself and my kids to make it work once again.
thank you so much for all your support. It really isn't easy and I really all these will pass soon.
Autumn time, your words are exactly the same as what's been floating around in my head. N similarly, we've been together since school days and were each other's first and only.
I've really lost all confidence in myself and I feel lousy all the time. But I know I'm walking thru a difficult path now and I tell myself these lousy feelings are temporary and will not last. Same here, I kept it from everyone, friends or family alike. My in laws only knew of it when I packed up, took my baby n left on the day it was exposed. And of course my friend got to know of it because I took refuge at her place. Even til now my parents doesn't know anything.
I know very well he will never leave me and our family for another,but knowing he had a relationship,physical and emotional with another woman is enough to kill me.
I repeat to myself that I've made a choice and I owe it to myself and my kids to make it work once again.
autumntime
New Member
I must admit that the knowledge of my spouse's infidelity wasn't something that I could handle... at all... it was both mentally and emotionally tormenting.
Time is the best healer if you ask me. The pain becomes more manageable as time passes although the scar is likely to remain forever. If you choose to continue with the marriage, you'll just have to leave the affair behind as the past and focus on what's ahead of you. The initial period is definitely tougher but you'll adjust and adapt as you move along. Don't deny or suppress your emotions (they may get repressed and come out in other ways). Allow yourself to cry when you need to. It's ok to acknowledge the pain & hurt inside you. Just manage the release of your emotions well and don't torment yourself and your husband further in a negative or "destructive" manner that may thwart your efforts in rebuilding your marriage.
Well, at least we don't have to cope with the knowledge of multiple affairs and with every detail out in the open for the public and media to devour like what happened to many celebrities and their wives. I truly salute and feel for those women (and in a few cases, men) who had to cope with cheating spouses under those circumstances.
You can do it!
Time is the best healer if you ask me. The pain becomes more manageable as time passes although the scar is likely to remain forever. If you choose to continue with the marriage, you'll just have to leave the affair behind as the past and focus on what's ahead of you. The initial period is definitely tougher but you'll adjust and adapt as you move along. Don't deny or suppress your emotions (they may get repressed and come out in other ways). Allow yourself to cry when you need to. It's ok to acknowledge the pain & hurt inside you. Just manage the release of your emotions well and don't torment yourself and your husband further in a negative or "destructive" manner that may thwart your efforts in rebuilding your marriage.
Well, at least we don't have to cope with the knowledge of multiple affairs and with every detail out in the open for the public and media to devour like what happened to many celebrities and their wives. I truly salute and feel for those women (and in a few cases, men) who had to cope with cheating spouses under those circumstances.
You can do it!
For the married men forummers here who do chatting online with women, I would like to know why do men chat online with women about sex horny topics.
I know some do so in search of possible ONS party or flings. But for those who really have not intention to meet up to have ONS or any fling, what's the reason for chatting up girls then ?
1. Is their actions respectful of their wives by chatting up women behind the anonimity ?
2. Do they know they need to be responsible for their actions in case the girl is lured or gets attached to them even if it's just online ?
3. As husbands, can they stand their wives doing the same thing online ?
I know some do so in search of possible ONS party or flings. But for those who really have not intention to meet up to have ONS or any fling, what's the reason for chatting up girls then ?
1. Is their actions respectful of their wives by chatting up women behind the anonimity ?
2. Do they know they need to be responsible for their actions in case the girl is lured or gets attached to them even if it's just online ?
3. As husbands, can they stand their wives doing the same thing online ?
cococherry
New Member
panda,
your friend is jerk la, stop listening to his craps
your friend is jerk la, stop listening to his craps
Ameline,
u dun get out much do u? and your views towards marriage seems to be inline with Imprisonment of one's remainder of life.... but worse - it imprisons One's physical, mental and spirits.
i find that most ladies in forums these days, and some men as well - have alot of Disrepect for Life, have very little Understanding of Life, have very very Narrow Views on Purpose and Living.
if what marriage means to u - is to domesticate and cage up your husbands... then u better make this clear before marriage or during dating. Becos your entire idea of marriage is Warped.
1stly, when u ask generic questions like chatting up girls on online forums and abt sexual topics for possible ONS and Flings... u MUST NOTE that u are talking abt a specific group of guys and NOT general. so...
1. Is their actions respectful of their wives by chatting up women behind the anonimity?
- why did their wives pick them as husbands? what resulted in the marriage in the first place?
2. Do they know they need to be responsible for their actions in case the girl is lured or gets attached to them even if it's just online?
- u are talking a specific group of guys. Pls Note that. u are talking abt girls who have been Warned abt such men - on papers, in forums, in schools, everywhere! U are questioning the freedom of pple... it is too big a topic for too narrow a mind.
3. As husbands, can they stand their wives doing the same thing online?
- such arguments are Very Very lame. the usual way of "if it happens to u" is always the reasoning i find - from the pple with the narrowest of mind... and often - it is becos they spend their entire lives relating Only to their own feelings... they are the "ME ME ME" pple.
u dun get out much do u? and your views towards marriage seems to be inline with Imprisonment of one's remainder of life.... but worse - it imprisons One's physical, mental and spirits.
i find that most ladies in forums these days, and some men as well - have alot of Disrepect for Life, have very little Understanding of Life, have very very Narrow Views on Purpose and Living.
if what marriage means to u - is to domesticate and cage up your husbands... then u better make this clear before marriage or during dating. Becos your entire idea of marriage is Warped.
1stly, when u ask generic questions like chatting up girls on online forums and abt sexual topics for possible ONS and Flings... u MUST NOTE that u are talking abt a specific group of guys and NOT general. so...
1. Is their actions respectful of their wives by chatting up women behind the anonimity?
- why did their wives pick them as husbands? what resulted in the marriage in the first place?
2. Do they know they need to be responsible for their actions in case the girl is lured or gets attached to them even if it's just online?
- u are talking a specific group of guys. Pls Note that. u are talking abt girls who have been Warned abt such men - on papers, in forums, in schools, everywhere! U are questioning the freedom of pple... it is too big a topic for too narrow a mind.
3. As husbands, can they stand their wives doing the same thing online?
- such arguments are Very Very lame. the usual way of "if it happens to u" is always the reasoning i find - from the pple with the narrowest of mind... and often - it is becos they spend their entire lives relating Only to their own feelings... they are the "ME ME ME" pple.