Innocent flirting?
- Thread starter star_dust
- Start date
Hi Stardust
Thanks for your well wishes.
When's your EDD? I pray for a smooth and safe delivery for you.
Your hubby's acts left me speechless. Does he have the heart to leave you at home with your nanny or MIL? Does he has the mood to enjoy his holidays? Won't his mind be with you and the family? But i understand what you meant by no point to stop him when he even bother to ask.
I don't wish to comment anymore as I think the top priority now is for you to concentrate on your child delivery. What can you do now except to love yourself more? Please take good care of your health and your little one inside you. You determine your own worthiness not him. Best wishes to you Star.
Thanks for your well wishes.
When's your EDD? I pray for a smooth and safe delivery for you.
Your hubby's acts left me speechless. Does he have the heart to leave you at home with your nanny or MIL? Does he has the mood to enjoy his holidays? Won't his mind be with you and the family? But i understand what you meant by no point to stop him when he even bother to ask.
I don't wish to comment anymore as I think the top priority now is for you to concentrate on your child delivery. What can you do now except to love yourself more? Please take good care of your health and your little one inside you. You determine your own worthiness not him. Best wishes to you Star.
My EDD is drawing near, will be giving birth anyday now actually.
anyway, i couldnt resist asking him who this woman was, turned out it wasnt a 'woman', its the 12 yr old daughter of that waitress.
it did cross my mind since the messages he sent to her seemed like instructions to a child. we didnt really talk very well because he was very angry that i didnt trust him again. he said one thing that i agreed very much with - you dont trust me now and i dont trust you either, okay? i didnt even dare to tell him that the trigger to this was that i'd seen those messages and the deleted calls he made to her.
he said he just felt pity for the girl who has no father to care for her, and she kept failing in her studies. i asked him when he'd met her, and he said a couple of times, although id ont believe so. why would a girl trust a man if she'd only met him a couple of times? he also said he brought them out to dinner a few months ago. he added - as a friend. but to me, the welfare of my own family is sacrificed. he sees our son only a couple of hours each week, and yet when he had time, he rather have dinner with them? i dont know how many times, although he said only once, but i guess he's just softening the blow.
in his eyes now, i'm a suspicious wife who doesnt trust him, and he said now everytime he has to meet customers, he;d worry if i would suspect him. he said he cannot take these anymore, and that he really considered just getting a girlfriend outside just to 'take revenge on me' for putting him through all these.
i know all these may be just said in a fit of anger, but every word just beat me down further.
i dont know what game this woman is playing. from my point of view, she's getting him to 'help' with her daughter, but doesnt she realise that she might be planting false hopes in her daughter that he may be her future father? and for a girl to contact him for guidance, and having my husband to give her such fatherly instructions, it means that she is already looking towards him as a father figure. on one hand, i am jealous of her for my son, she seems to be getting more attention from my husband than his own son. on another hand, i worry for her when she finally realises that he isnt there to stay, she'd feel betrayed and disappointment, and at this age, more likely to turn to negative influences after such a crushing betrayal. what's the mother thinking?!?! i'm very certain that if i ever met her, she'd be resentful of me because to her, i'm the third party between my husband and their family. Or it may be a manipulation on that woman's part, to get him involved in her family, and then try to wedge him away from me.
i know it isnt my husband's intention to leave us for them, but sometimes he's just too soft. he says sympathises with them, but i just feel that he does have a soft spot for that family, and it may very easily turn into something else more serious. i dont even know if he's giving them money on a regular basis already.
i cant even voice out my concerns now. i hope that he wouldnt be so stupid to fall into any manipulations. I hope he had already stopped going out with them since he said nd specified the dinner was 'a few months back'.
sigh.. each time its her and her again. why does she have the power to ruin our relationship so badly? and as his wife, my feelings and wellbeing isnt more important than them? why would he take them out in the first place if he didnt feel anything for her at all?
everytime i find out something new about her, i realise i dont hurt so badly. its either i'm becoming immune to it, or i'm beginning to expect it, or the worst is, i'm getting more and more prepared to leave. i simply cannot accept the fact that he's caring for another family, one that is short of the role that he can fill to be complete. am i too selfish?
anyway, i couldnt resist asking him who this woman was, turned out it wasnt a 'woman', its the 12 yr old daughter of that waitress.
it did cross my mind since the messages he sent to her seemed like instructions to a child. we didnt really talk very well because he was very angry that i didnt trust him again. he said one thing that i agreed very much with - you dont trust me now and i dont trust you either, okay? i didnt even dare to tell him that the trigger to this was that i'd seen those messages and the deleted calls he made to her.
he said he just felt pity for the girl who has no father to care for her, and she kept failing in her studies. i asked him when he'd met her, and he said a couple of times, although id ont believe so. why would a girl trust a man if she'd only met him a couple of times? he also said he brought them out to dinner a few months ago. he added - as a friend. but to me, the welfare of my own family is sacrificed. he sees our son only a couple of hours each week, and yet when he had time, he rather have dinner with them? i dont know how many times, although he said only once, but i guess he's just softening the blow.
in his eyes now, i'm a suspicious wife who doesnt trust him, and he said now everytime he has to meet customers, he;d worry if i would suspect him. he said he cannot take these anymore, and that he really considered just getting a girlfriend outside just to 'take revenge on me' for putting him through all these.
i know all these may be just said in a fit of anger, but every word just beat me down further.
i dont know what game this woman is playing. from my point of view, she's getting him to 'help' with her daughter, but doesnt she realise that she might be planting false hopes in her daughter that he may be her future father? and for a girl to contact him for guidance, and having my husband to give her such fatherly instructions, it means that she is already looking towards him as a father figure. on one hand, i am jealous of her for my son, she seems to be getting more attention from my husband than his own son. on another hand, i worry for her when she finally realises that he isnt there to stay, she'd feel betrayed and disappointment, and at this age, more likely to turn to negative influences after such a crushing betrayal. what's the mother thinking?!?! i'm very certain that if i ever met her, she'd be resentful of me because to her, i'm the third party between my husband and their family. Or it may be a manipulation on that woman's part, to get him involved in her family, and then try to wedge him away from me.
i know it isnt my husband's intention to leave us for them, but sometimes he's just too soft. he says sympathises with them, but i just feel that he does have a soft spot for that family, and it may very easily turn into something else more serious. i dont even know if he's giving them money on a regular basis already.
i cant even voice out my concerns now. i hope that he wouldnt be so stupid to fall into any manipulations. I hope he had already stopped going out with them since he said nd specified the dinner was 'a few months back'.
sigh.. each time its her and her again. why does she have the power to ruin our relationship so badly? and as his wife, my feelings and wellbeing isnt more important than them? why would he take them out in the first place if he didnt feel anything for her at all?
everytime i find out something new about her, i realise i dont hurt so badly. its either i'm becoming immune to it, or i'm beginning to expect it, or the worst is, i'm getting more and more prepared to leave. i simply cannot accept the fact that he's caring for another family, one that is short of the role that he can fill to be complete. am i too selfish?
i'm very okay even if he goes out with female colleagues or friends alone for dinner. but this one i'm really uncomfortable about because
1. he knows she likes him
2. he feels the need to hide her existence from me
3. he'd lied about her so many so many times
4. he's even involved with her family now
i dont know if he's still continuing to contact her, but since he's still in close daily contact with her daughter, i think its a safe guess that he's still in contact with her.
okay, i can trust that he has no ill intentions. but i'm just JEALOUS. why does he insist on carrying on when he knows very well i detest this woman? will he DIE if he cuts off all contacts with them? Will they? i'm past being generous and magnanimous. I dont want to be the understanding wife any longer. just for once, for ONCE i wish i could be the hysterical, demanding, the i'll leave-you-and-kill-myself woman evey man hates to see because i simply cannot take it anymore! but i just can't do it. its just not me.
the school holidays will be on soon. i'm going to start worrying if he'd promised to take them out, i'm going to wonder if he's with them at the zoo or someplace fun. i'm going to go crazy but yet i cant let him know. he cannot take another episode of my madness-he simply hates it when his integrity is questioned. i cannot take another episode of breakdown. it'll only push us further apart. i know i've got to keep myself sane. i'll have a new baby to care for.
my mind is really messed up. i toggle between an i dont care anymore attitude, and a i'm so hurt that i'm never going to be the same anymore attitude.
'i promise to love you, honour you, comfort you, and keep you in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to you, as long as we both shall live.'
We said these words to each other when we put on our wedding rings for each other. he told me he would honour his vow. he told me we were meant for each other. he told me he loves me too much to risk losing me. why then has he left me alone now? he may have done nothing wrong, his conscience may very well be clear. but i've never felt more distanced and more alone.
1. he knows she likes him
2. he feels the need to hide her existence from me
3. he'd lied about her so many so many times
4. he's even involved with her family now
i dont know if he's still continuing to contact her, but since he's still in close daily contact with her daughter, i think its a safe guess that he's still in contact with her.
okay, i can trust that he has no ill intentions. but i'm just JEALOUS. why does he insist on carrying on when he knows very well i detest this woman? will he DIE if he cuts off all contacts with them? Will they? i'm past being generous and magnanimous. I dont want to be the understanding wife any longer. just for once, for ONCE i wish i could be the hysterical, demanding, the i'll leave-you-and-kill-myself woman evey man hates to see because i simply cannot take it anymore! but i just can't do it. its just not me.
the school holidays will be on soon. i'm going to start worrying if he'd promised to take them out, i'm going to wonder if he's with them at the zoo or someplace fun. i'm going to go crazy but yet i cant let him know. he cannot take another episode of my madness-he simply hates it when his integrity is questioned. i cannot take another episode of breakdown. it'll only push us further apart. i know i've got to keep myself sane. i'll have a new baby to care for.
my mind is really messed up. i toggle between an i dont care anymore attitude, and a i'm so hurt that i'm never going to be the same anymore attitude.
'i promise to love you, honour you, comfort you, and keep you in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to you, as long as we both shall live.'
We said these words to each other when we put on our wedding rings for each other. he told me he would honour his vow. he told me we were meant for each other. he told me he loves me too much to risk losing me. why then has he left me alone now? he may have done nothing wrong, his conscience may very well be clear. but i've never felt more distanced and more alone.
dear all,
would like to just update that i've delivered my baby.
so far everything seems normal, but i feel its just the surface. i dont know if i'm being overly sensitive, or perhaps its the changes in the hormones, but i feel that everything has changed. i find myself in very concise states of highs and lows and the swings are so sudden.
would like to just update that i've delivered my baby.
so far everything seems normal, but i feel its just the surface. i dont know if i'm being overly sensitive, or perhaps its the changes in the hormones, but i feel that everything has changed. i find myself in very concise states of highs and lows and the swings are so sudden.
be aware of the changes and the moods... see yourself from outside yourself... take note and try to stay on top of yourself... am hapi tat u've delivered, i guess now is the surreal part with the newborn... see hope in a new life, see challenge in the future ahead, and see new joy & tasks that it will bring to u...
powder,
yes i'm very aware of the changes i feel in my moods. and i feel scared because when it crashes, i have visions of killing myself and taking my sons with me.. and that really scared me. i dont know how long these swings will last. if only i could let the past and all the lies go but i find it difficult to do so. i know no one can help me if i dont help myself, but i dont know where to start healing..the thing is, i know he hasnt done anything wrong, but why am i still so obsessed with the lying?
hi avocado,
thanks!
yes i'm very aware of the changes i feel in my moods. and i feel scared because when it crashes, i have visions of killing myself and taking my sons with me.. and that really scared me. i dont know how long these swings will last. if only i could let the past and all the lies go but i find it difficult to do so. i know no one can help me if i dont help myself, but i dont know where to start healing..the thing is, i know he hasnt done anything wrong, but why am i still so obsessed with the lying?
hi avocado,
thanks!
well an idle mind is the devil's workshop... i realised that it's abit more... that if we Allow negative thoughts to manifest - it will run havoc... and run and run and run... even the slightest of specks turns into a mountain...
when i was in poverty as a kid, i entertained some suicidal thoughts, and it was spurred by the fact tat i saw no future for myself... i dun think i could have done much, but whatever little i could - i tried to paint myself positive pictures of being richer n more able to buy things i want, instead of always staring into windows.
i hope u can slowly focus on the litte Positives... i believe that might be the start... PLS, entertain the thoughts, but dun ever seek it as a means to anything... your kids deserve no less a chance to fight.
u know, just 2 wks ago, my newborn was fighting for his life... all i could think of was for him to have a chance at living life, this life which is wonderous not becos it is happy all the time, but becos Life throws surprises at us, and we grow with each trial we overcome. i'd gladly trade-in my life for him to have this chance.
u have been amazing on some fronts, there's much for u to share and no doubt, there's a rainbow waiting for u out there... u just need to find your way out of the dark clouds...
when i was in poverty as a kid, i entertained some suicidal thoughts, and it was spurred by the fact tat i saw no future for myself... i dun think i could have done much, but whatever little i could - i tried to paint myself positive pictures of being richer n more able to buy things i want, instead of always staring into windows.
i hope u can slowly focus on the litte Positives... i believe that might be the start... PLS, entertain the thoughts, but dun ever seek it as a means to anything... your kids deserve no less a chance to fight.
u know, just 2 wks ago, my newborn was fighting for his life... all i could think of was for him to have a chance at living life, this life which is wonderous not becos it is happy all the time, but becos Life throws surprises at us, and we grow with each trial we overcome. i'd gladly trade-in my life for him to have this chance.
u have been amazing on some fronts, there's much for u to share and no doubt, there's a rainbow waiting for u out there... u just need to find your way out of the dark clouds...
when i held my baby today,i couldnt help but cry. but yet i found comfort and solace in him. for the past few hellish months, he was the only one who never left me and was always with me.and i felt such overwhelming love mixed with guilt for the many times i wanted to die while he was still in me. i know i would never do it, i still have that much control over myself, and frankly, i think if i wasnt a happy and positive person
to begin with, i would have caved.
there are so many questions that i still have yet to find answers for, and i alternate between letting it go, and obsessing over it, a cycle that coincides with my mood swings.
didnt know you're a second time dad already, congratulations! was he born pre-term? i hope he's overcome his first obstacle and continue to grow stronger day by day
to begin with, i would have caved.
there are so many questions that i still have yet to find answers for, and i alternate between letting it go, and obsessing over it, a cycle that coincides with my mood swings.
didnt know you're a second time dad already, congratulations! was he born pre-term? i hope he's overcome his first obstacle and continue to grow stronger day by day
glad to hear that, and yes definitely credit where it's due - that's u've been handling it pretty well... perhaps next step is to totally step out of this shadow...
mine was born full-term, think abt a week before yours, somehow a virus was passed on to him and at a tender few days old, his defences weren't there... still recovering... to be honest, i never knew i could be so worried abt someone until 2wks ago, so i learnt something new for myself too...
u Must take care and give the best opportunites n share your life with your kids... i have always believed that they are the Last teachers for us - on our journey in life...
mine was born full-term, think abt a week before yours, somehow a virus was passed on to him and at a tender few days old, his defences weren't there... still recovering... to be honest, i never knew i could be so worried abt someone until 2wks ago, so i learnt something new for myself too...
u Must take care and give the best opportunites n share your life with your kids... i have always believed that they are the Last teachers for us - on our journey in life...
oh dear.. thankfully he is at full term though, he's stronger than if he was preterm. i hope everything is fine with him now. Pls send my regards to your wife, and dont forget to support breastfeeding!
sigh.. its been 5 months since i've gotten into this rut, i find myself stepping out but then somehow or other i get pulled back in. i really dont know how much energy i have left to keep pulling myself out this way, im losing stamina, and losing heart. but i do try to remind myself that it might just be the fluctuations in hormones that is causing me certain thoughts, and telling myself there really isnt anything there at all, but the ghosts still refuse to let me go, or sometimes i wonder, it is me who refuses to let them go?
i dont know when i can finally step out of this, and my only outlet is through cyberspace. i dont think there is anymore advance to be made bringing this up again with my husband. he obviously wants a close on this subject, and so i respect his lead. unfortunately, he doesnt realise that we're just putting a blanket over a fire which may be put out, or may rage even bigger.
sigh.. its been 5 months since i've gotten into this rut, i find myself stepping out but then somehow or other i get pulled back in. i really dont know how much energy i have left to keep pulling myself out this way, im losing stamina, and losing heart. but i do try to remind myself that it might just be the fluctuations in hormones that is causing me certain thoughts, and telling myself there really isnt anything there at all, but the ghosts still refuse to let me go, or sometimes i wonder, it is me who refuses to let them go?
i dont know when i can finally step out of this, and my only outlet is through cyberspace. i dont think there is anymore advance to be made bringing this up again with my husband. he obviously wants a close on this subject, and so i respect his lead. unfortunately, he doesnt realise that we're just putting a blanket over a fire which may be put out, or may rage even bigger.
he's alrite now... just need to make sure no further effects from the episode. oh yeah, i definitely support breastfeeding, myself included, hehe.
i certainly think u have to step out of it... it's not easy to have your future totally hung on someone, even in marriage... if the marriage drags u and keeps u in uncertainty, u might have to consider if it's for u... for me i have no qualms absolving anything marriage or partnership once it no longer hold what i see a future with... i'm a guy though... i'm certainly not irresponsible, but my love for life does not extend courtesy to too many pple. i eventually have to live n die on my terms, not someone elses...
so despite all the talk on love and there, i think it's really much more than that.
i certainly think u have to step out of it... it's not easy to have your future totally hung on someone, even in marriage... if the marriage drags u and keeps u in uncertainty, u might have to consider if it's for u... for me i have no qualms absolving anything marriage or partnership once it no longer hold what i see a future with... i'm a guy though... i'm certainly not irresponsible, but my love for life does not extend courtesy to too many pple. i eventually have to live n die on my terms, not someone elses...
so despite all the talk on love and there, i think it's really much more than that.
sometimes its really amazing to see how such little ones can have such a great will to survive. but again, they haven't experienced the true world yet. i wonder if such fighting skills are born or made.
i wish i could be like you, to be clear headed and live and die on my terms, like you said. but unfortunately i'm a very emotional person, and i feel deeply for many things. i could be very straightforward and let things go at times because they dont matter much to me, and i know the world is made up of more things than love itself, but at this point in time i still feel very trapped in my own thoughts and feelings.
its a mind war i'm raging now.. i intend to start a whole new life after this little one grows older. new job, new place, new goals and aims, and perhaps it'll help me refocus again. i can't stand returning to my old job now anyway, i feel blacklisted for placing family over work. that's perhaps one of the reasons why i feel so low
i wish i could be like you, to be clear headed and live and die on my terms, like you said. but unfortunately i'm a very emotional person, and i feel deeply for many things. i could be very straightforward and let things go at times because they dont matter much to me, and i know the world is made up of more things than love itself, but at this point in time i still feel very trapped in my own thoughts and feelings.
its a mind war i'm raging now.. i intend to start a whole new life after this little one grows older. new job, new place, new goals and aims, and perhaps it'll help me refocus again. i can't stand returning to my old job now anyway, i feel blacklisted for placing family over work. that's perhaps one of the reasons why i feel so low
sm,
i really dont know what i can do.. because i dont feel low all the time. i feel my mood climbing up and improving, and one day it can suddenly drop and i have to start climbing again. my life is pretty much normal, i shop online and enjoy receiving my parcels, i keep in close contact with my friends, hubby n i enjoy contented moments where we just stare at our newborn, and we share laughter at our elder son's antics and comments. we sit together on the sofa watching serials and we call each other throughout the day and before we turn in for the night, we share our day with each other. but my mood seems to shift overnight and i feel so sad and hopeless on some mornings, and it lasts the whole day. i can actually feel the drop and the climb.
i really dont know what i can do.. because i dont feel low all the time. i feel my mood climbing up and improving, and one day it can suddenly drop and i have to start climbing again. my life is pretty much normal, i shop online and enjoy receiving my parcels, i keep in close contact with my friends, hubby n i enjoy contented moments where we just stare at our newborn, and we share laughter at our elder son's antics and comments. we sit together on the sofa watching serials and we call each other throughout the day and before we turn in for the night, we share our day with each other. but my mood seems to shift overnight and i feel so sad and hopeless on some mornings, and it lasts the whole day. i can actually feel the drop and the climb.
actually i am pretty sure tat i feel as deeply as u, if not more deeply... i'm emotional too ya? in fact very... pple think i'm cold becos i dun display alot of emotions, but it doesn't mean i'm without emotions.
i've learnt to focus less on my emotions, and more on my goals... this is actually very impt when u wanna move forward in life. alot of pple are incapable of doing it... alot of pple focus on their emotions and put their goals on hold (if they even have it)... and not enough with that, they also want everyone to share in their emotional web... i'm not saying this is bad, but it cannot be given too much time to run in circles and hang a cloud over our heads...
alot of times in this forum, i'm involved in arguments... sometimes accused of not understanding, this and that. i tell u something for a fact... sympathy n empathy - are seldom catalysts to recovery... they are more like drugs that get u hooked n addicted. most pple can't even solve their own problems, so they serenade themselves in other pple's problems, and encourage others to stay in it...
u have to be very careful of such pple... they breed depression, not progression. they feel secure and sleep better knowing that they are not the only ones with problems... And in spore - these characters are Very common. i shall not go into specifics... this is very much for u to witness n observe yourself. some pple hide behind 'sharing', when in actual fact, they are 'breeding'.
u know why u're trapped... half of it is becos of yourself, other half is becos u are not surrounded by pple like me. pple like me have no time to talk abt the same recurring problems... if we can't solve a problem, we will move on and just give the problem its acknowledgement, not place it on a pedestal and give it so much priority that without solving it - we cannot live.
another part abt u... u have too much self-reproach. so much so that even when u're not wrong, u try to find ways to be in the wrong... this is good in very small quantities, but in large quantities - it completely poisons your life and slowly eats away at your spirits...
think abt it.
i've learnt to focus less on my emotions, and more on my goals... this is actually very impt when u wanna move forward in life. alot of pple are incapable of doing it... alot of pple focus on their emotions and put their goals on hold (if they even have it)... and not enough with that, they also want everyone to share in their emotional web... i'm not saying this is bad, but it cannot be given too much time to run in circles and hang a cloud over our heads...
alot of times in this forum, i'm involved in arguments... sometimes accused of not understanding, this and that. i tell u something for a fact... sympathy n empathy - are seldom catalysts to recovery... they are more like drugs that get u hooked n addicted. most pple can't even solve their own problems, so they serenade themselves in other pple's problems, and encourage others to stay in it...
u have to be very careful of such pple... they breed depression, not progression. they feel secure and sleep better knowing that they are not the only ones with problems... And in spore - these characters are Very common. i shall not go into specifics... this is very much for u to witness n observe yourself. some pple hide behind 'sharing', when in actual fact, they are 'breeding'.
u know why u're trapped... half of it is becos of yourself, other half is becos u are not surrounded by pple like me. pple like me have no time to talk abt the same recurring problems... if we can't solve a problem, we will move on and just give the problem its acknowledgement, not place it on a pedestal and give it so much priority that without solving it - we cannot live.
another part abt u... u have too much self-reproach. so much so that even when u're not wrong, u try to find ways to be in the wrong... this is good in very small quantities, but in large quantities - it completely poisons your life and slowly eats away at your spirits...
think abt it.
hi powder,
i do agree with you. as i surf through the forum, i notice some ppl have certain views and the way they put their views across sometimes do nothing but to encourage and develop feelings of insecurity and doubt. in fact, my husband has discouraged me from coming into this forum because he feels that my negativity has been charged by lots of postings here. he feels that the more i read, the more wildly my thoughts would run.
when something goes wrong, i admit i seldom point fingers at others before i take time off to analyse what i've done wrong first. i feel that this is only fair to others. perhaps this habit has developed into a subconscious, and i may sometimes cross the line to putting the blame all to myself.
i suppose my husband is very similar to you, powder. he has moved on, and is trying to pull me along. i'm the one who's stumbling, and i can see that he tries to slow his pace and wait for me, albeit impatiently, but i guess he feels the more he slows down for me, the more i'd take my own sweet time. his
i guess i'm obsessed over the things that makes him seem very suspicious. his bills no longer appear at home, his phone is always off with a lock when he's home, otherwise when its on, its always with him.
i know i'd feel alot better if his bills were open to me, but i cannot ask that of him because i'd only appear to be controlling. perhaps he's right in turning his phone off because whenever it beeps with a message, my mind'd automatically wonder if it was that woman or her daughter. but it really breaks my heart that he'd find it necessary to protect his privacy from me so badly. even more heartbreaking to me is that i too agree that it is necessary.
i do agree with you. as i surf through the forum, i notice some ppl have certain views and the way they put their views across sometimes do nothing but to encourage and develop feelings of insecurity and doubt. in fact, my husband has discouraged me from coming into this forum because he feels that my negativity has been charged by lots of postings here. he feels that the more i read, the more wildly my thoughts would run.
when something goes wrong, i admit i seldom point fingers at others before i take time off to analyse what i've done wrong first. i feel that this is only fair to others. perhaps this habit has developed into a subconscious, and i may sometimes cross the line to putting the blame all to myself.
i suppose my husband is very similar to you, powder. he has moved on, and is trying to pull me along. i'm the one who's stumbling, and i can see that he tries to slow his pace and wait for me, albeit impatiently, but i guess he feels the more he slows down for me, the more i'd take my own sweet time. his
i guess i'm obsessed over the things that makes him seem very suspicious. his bills no longer appear at home, his phone is always off with a lock when he's home, otherwise when its on, its always with him.
i know i'd feel alot better if his bills were open to me, but i cannot ask that of him because i'd only appear to be controlling. perhaps he's right in turning his phone off because whenever it beeps with a message, my mind'd automatically wonder if it was that woman or her daughter. but it really breaks my heart that he'd find it necessary to protect his privacy from me so badly. even more heartbreaking to me is that i too agree that it is necessary.
i wouldn't really know how to address the issue with your husband... it's a chicken n egg thing... he dun do things, u get paranoid... he do things, u also get paranoid... whether he's guilty isn't the crux anymore... my focus has always been on your mental state, unfortunately i stopped posting to u for awhile becos u have allowed your mental well-being to be heavily dependent on him.
u know, i love my wife to bits... but whether or not she's gonna cheat on me now or in future - doesn't bother me one bit. she loves me, loved me, has loved me - tat's enough for my lifetime... nomatter what wrong she commits, her love as my wife and fren for the last couple of years - makes anything and everything forgiveable. and i mean it... can i move on if things happen? - answer is Yes. the choice is never ours to change pple's mind nor hearts... we can only put in x-amount of effort and leave things at that. i dun live for any one person, i live for every person i love and if 1 is gone, i have to carry on, dun i?
the problem with local concept of love, is the influence it gets from the typical asian serial of undying commitment and one-trackness... it is scary. pple who kill themselves over love, seem to have forgotten those who love them... what makes pple think so singularly? i can only point my fingers to the education system and the kind of mentality instilled in us with regards to failure n success... i honestly believe the kind of mentality bred in locals, whilst good for the country's sustenance, is nothing more than simple farming and propaganda to lead pple into placing their priorities into values that keep them rooted to our country. faithful workers we are...
it might sound a little off-topic, but Only when we explore our mentalities, the imbued values... that we see how ancient we can be.
u have long accepted your husband possibility of infidelity... u just have to figure out what it is that u are unable to accept. and KNOWING THIS - work towards accepting that maybe it's simply out of your league... work with your strengths, dun expose your weakness and let it breed.
your husband is half-correct on this forum, it's one of the reasons why i still make effort to stay here... appreciated or not doesn't really matter. i think there's a few other like me... honestly there's really better things to do, but then if the little time spent here can effect little drops of changes, then maybe those 'better things' can wait.
i hope, i really hope... u can join me in the celebration of life... start by celebrating and looking at every little wonder. appreciate everything and give thanks to everything... the fact tat we are able to have the technology to chat in this thread... shows u a wonder of life... the fact tat u gave birth to life remains one of the greatest wonders...
i'm in office now doing a report, i'm so glad to have a job... to be able to work at nite instead of sleeping, to be able to type with fingers that life has granted me... to be able to drive here in a car that i could afford, have the legs and feet to step on pedals, and have the eyes to look out of my windows and see the beautiful Singapore FLyer, and be part of the wonderful change in singapore... i remember just abt 24yrs ago, the MRT only had 3 stations (if i can rem correctly)... these are the wonders that go unappreciated becos we're all so caught up in our own lives and me me me.
respect and appreciate life... trust me, the rest will fall into place... forget "why me", instead go for "another of life's wonderful lessons"... be it good, bad, happy or sad...
we'll all be lying in the coffin one day, we'll lose all our senses and mental state... what we are likely to retain, are the spirits... and our life thru the testimony of the pple around us... tat's how we live on... BUT we can only do that if we actually start living... dun u think?
u have a great weekend...
u know, i love my wife to bits... but whether or not she's gonna cheat on me now or in future - doesn't bother me one bit. she loves me, loved me, has loved me - tat's enough for my lifetime... nomatter what wrong she commits, her love as my wife and fren for the last couple of years - makes anything and everything forgiveable. and i mean it... can i move on if things happen? - answer is Yes. the choice is never ours to change pple's mind nor hearts... we can only put in x-amount of effort and leave things at that. i dun live for any one person, i live for every person i love and if 1 is gone, i have to carry on, dun i?
the problem with local concept of love, is the influence it gets from the typical asian serial of undying commitment and one-trackness... it is scary. pple who kill themselves over love, seem to have forgotten those who love them... what makes pple think so singularly? i can only point my fingers to the education system and the kind of mentality instilled in us with regards to failure n success... i honestly believe the kind of mentality bred in locals, whilst good for the country's sustenance, is nothing more than simple farming and propaganda to lead pple into placing their priorities into values that keep them rooted to our country. faithful workers we are...
it might sound a little off-topic, but Only when we explore our mentalities, the imbued values... that we see how ancient we can be.
u have long accepted your husband possibility of infidelity... u just have to figure out what it is that u are unable to accept. and KNOWING THIS - work towards accepting that maybe it's simply out of your league... work with your strengths, dun expose your weakness and let it breed.
your husband is half-correct on this forum, it's one of the reasons why i still make effort to stay here... appreciated or not doesn't really matter. i think there's a few other like me... honestly there's really better things to do, but then if the little time spent here can effect little drops of changes, then maybe those 'better things' can wait.
i hope, i really hope... u can join me in the celebration of life... start by celebrating and looking at every little wonder. appreciate everything and give thanks to everything... the fact tat we are able to have the technology to chat in this thread... shows u a wonder of life... the fact tat u gave birth to life remains one of the greatest wonders...
i'm in office now doing a report, i'm so glad to have a job... to be able to work at nite instead of sleeping, to be able to type with fingers that life has granted me... to be able to drive here in a car that i could afford, have the legs and feet to step on pedals, and have the eyes to look out of my windows and see the beautiful Singapore FLyer, and be part of the wonderful change in singapore... i remember just abt 24yrs ago, the MRT only had 3 stations (if i can rem correctly)... these are the wonders that go unappreciated becos we're all so caught up in our own lives and me me me.
respect and appreciate life... trust me, the rest will fall into place... forget "why me", instead go for "another of life's wonderful lessons"... be it good, bad, happy or sad...
we'll all be lying in the coffin one day, we'll lose all our senses and mental state... what we are likely to retain, are the spirits... and our life thru the testimony of the pple around us... tat's how we live on... BUT we can only do that if we actually start living... dun u think?
u have a great weekend...
alot of ppl talk of unconditional love, but its truly hard to give. i always tell myself i'll be there for him whenever he needs me, but the littlest hint of trouble we face, and i feel like giving up. perhaps i'm not as strong as i thought i am, and my love for him isnt as unconditional as i thought it was. what you say about putting in x-amount and leaving things as it is is what i always tell myself. that if something really happens, at least i can tell myself that i've done my best and put in my best effort, and its not my fault that things turns out differently.
the things i think to myself when i'm up vs down are so different, but they all seem very real to me at the point in time. i dont wish to end up a neurotic, pessimistic and suspicious person because i know by nature i am NOT. i believe i can and i do bring laughter and happiness into my friends and my hubby too, all i need to do now is to try and find that person i was again. i used to laugh with a carefree spirit, but now even when i laugh, even a true laugh, i feel a heavy rock on top of my laughter.
i want so much to get rid of that rock and enjoy life again. i want to enjoy laughing again, to enjoy life, and not link everything i see or hear back to the issue of trust and lies.
because at the bottom of it all, i trust that my husband hasnt cheated on me ( okay i know i posted this many many times already and some may be sick of seeing this sentence yet again), but what that i find it hard to get over is the heartbreak and the pain that the person i love the most has lied to me. not only once, but many times. maybe its because i feel insulted that he'd think i was stupid enough to lie to. i feel angry that he doesnt have enough respect for me to tell me truths.
once i found out he went to JB on a day he told me he was diverting his calls to a colleague because he was busy helping his friend with some sales and didnt want his company to find out. he sent me messages that he was abt to reach a customer's place, etc.. but yet i saw from his phone bill that he was in msia the whole day that day.
also on the same bill, i saw that he had calls at 12 midnight in msia, and at 7 am the next day as well. this was during his reservist stint. isnt it clear that he had spent the night in JB?
when i found it out i broke out in tears and when he asked me why, i told him what i saw. i knew he was lying when he said he didnt remember anything about that. and he totally sidestepped the issue and asked what's wrong about going to JB with his friends. i was too upset and heartbroken to tell him there was nothing wrong about that, but everything is wrong with the way he'd betrayed my trust and lied to me, and continued lying even after i'd asked him about it.it was just at the tip of my mouth but i simply couldnt get the words out.
i asked him who taught him to lie to me like this because he was never like this before. he kept silent and didnt answer. i didnt say anymore after that because i was simply too hurt.
i fear that i've grown to expect these lies from him already..how can i move on with these little incidents popping up now and then? please tell me how...
the things i think to myself when i'm up vs down are so different, but they all seem very real to me at the point in time. i dont wish to end up a neurotic, pessimistic and suspicious person because i know by nature i am NOT. i believe i can and i do bring laughter and happiness into my friends and my hubby too, all i need to do now is to try and find that person i was again. i used to laugh with a carefree spirit, but now even when i laugh, even a true laugh, i feel a heavy rock on top of my laughter.
i want so much to get rid of that rock and enjoy life again. i want to enjoy laughing again, to enjoy life, and not link everything i see or hear back to the issue of trust and lies.
because at the bottom of it all, i trust that my husband hasnt cheated on me ( okay i know i posted this many many times already and some may be sick of seeing this sentence yet again), but what that i find it hard to get over is the heartbreak and the pain that the person i love the most has lied to me. not only once, but many times. maybe its because i feel insulted that he'd think i was stupid enough to lie to. i feel angry that he doesnt have enough respect for me to tell me truths.
once i found out he went to JB on a day he told me he was diverting his calls to a colleague because he was busy helping his friend with some sales and didnt want his company to find out. he sent me messages that he was abt to reach a customer's place, etc.. but yet i saw from his phone bill that he was in msia the whole day that day.
also on the same bill, i saw that he had calls at 12 midnight in msia, and at 7 am the next day as well. this was during his reservist stint. isnt it clear that he had spent the night in JB?
when i found it out i broke out in tears and when he asked me why, i told him what i saw. i knew he was lying when he said he didnt remember anything about that. and he totally sidestepped the issue and asked what's wrong about going to JB with his friends. i was too upset and heartbroken to tell him there was nothing wrong about that, but everything is wrong with the way he'd betrayed my trust and lied to me, and continued lying even after i'd asked him about it.it was just at the tip of my mouth but i simply couldnt get the words out.
i asked him who taught him to lie to me like this because he was never like this before. he kept silent and didnt answer. i didnt say anymore after that because i was simply too hurt.
i fear that i've grown to expect these lies from him already..how can i move on with these little incidents popping up now and then? please tell me how...
well i guess the thing is, if u wanna expose him, then u should do it all the way rather than keep it open-ended and then allow your mind to play in the devil's workshop... dun u think? he lied, and with no good reason unless it's to protect u from yourself... but given the circumstances, i would definitely think there's more to it. But i shall not go there... u've made the choice to stay.
now shouldn't u make the choice to be happy? since where u are IS a choice, where u can be mentally - is also a choice... it's whether u want it or not. Another thing u can explore is whether u are inclined to be sad, and stay in sadness... some pple do it for a myriad of reasons... some pple choose a tough life becos they're too used to it, some choose dramatic lives becos for whatever reasons...
perhaps invest in some books? some literature can change lives, u need only start from there...
personally if i were u and choose to stay, i'll just accept that my spouse is a compulsive liar, and probably cheating on me. i wouldn't be unhappy if i choose to stay, becos if anything makes me unhappy, i simply cut it away... tat's me - i dun entertain unhappiness and welcome its stay longer than it should. i can only be unhappy for a few days, whatever causes it, i will remove it, else i will remove myself... it is that simple to me.
pls dun tell me it's easier said than done, becos nobody promised us an easy life and nomatter what difficulties that come, we can always overcome it, or walk away from the challenge... we Dun have to stay. if we stay, we chose unhappiness...
actually your husband is highly likely to be cheating on u, and he gets away with it becos u are always eager to accept his answers, despite being unhappy n wondering abt it later on. he is likely to be a seasonal cheater... but the marriage is perfect becos u're a self-cheater... u cheat yourself to accept n stay. i guess the only person who wants to defend him is himself, and You.
beyond all that, perhaps he has a very high sex-drive or is addicted to commercial sex... and he keeps it as a separate segment to the marriage. he loves u n wants the marriage, but he doesn't see any wrong at all with his eca. whatever it is, u know wat u have to do... if u wanna dig, dig all the way and leave him no room for excuses Except the truth, else dun dig and then stop halfwway becos u can't accept the truth.
it's not how u can move on, it's whether u want to move on...
now shouldn't u make the choice to be happy? since where u are IS a choice, where u can be mentally - is also a choice... it's whether u want it or not. Another thing u can explore is whether u are inclined to be sad, and stay in sadness... some pple do it for a myriad of reasons... some pple choose a tough life becos they're too used to it, some choose dramatic lives becos for whatever reasons...
perhaps invest in some books? some literature can change lives, u need only start from there...
personally if i were u and choose to stay, i'll just accept that my spouse is a compulsive liar, and probably cheating on me. i wouldn't be unhappy if i choose to stay, becos if anything makes me unhappy, i simply cut it away... tat's me - i dun entertain unhappiness and welcome its stay longer than it should. i can only be unhappy for a few days, whatever causes it, i will remove it, else i will remove myself... it is that simple to me.
pls dun tell me it's easier said than done, becos nobody promised us an easy life and nomatter what difficulties that come, we can always overcome it, or walk away from the challenge... we Dun have to stay. if we stay, we chose unhappiness...
actually your husband is highly likely to be cheating on u, and he gets away with it becos u are always eager to accept his answers, despite being unhappy n wondering abt it later on. he is likely to be a seasonal cheater... but the marriage is perfect becos u're a self-cheater... u cheat yourself to accept n stay. i guess the only person who wants to defend him is himself, and You.
beyond all that, perhaps he has a very high sex-drive or is addicted to commercial sex... and he keeps it as a separate segment to the marriage. he loves u n wants the marriage, but he doesn't see any wrong at all with his eca. whatever it is, u know wat u have to do... if u wanna dig, dig all the way and leave him no room for excuses Except the truth, else dun dig and then stop halfwway becos u can't accept the truth.
it's not how u can move on, it's whether u want to move on...
i read and read your post so many times, and i dont know how to respond. i dont know why i still trust him so much even after there are so many things he'd lied to me about, that can be woven into a cheating story. am i just born with great creativity and a great imagination? or am i thinking too much. i dont know anymore. everything seems to surreal. there could be a million reasons why he chose to lie - from the most innocent 'not wanting to be nagged at', the the most vicious and callous 'i've got a whole exciting second life i dont want you to find out about'. and frankly speaking, he can tell me any reason, even tell the truth, but i may not be able to believe it totally anymore. sometimes ancient fables are very true - 're: the boy who cried wolf' to the famous chinese proverbs 'if you walk through the mountains often enough, you will eventually meet a tiger' and 'if you walk in the night often enough, you will eventually meet a ghost'.
so what do i really want now? even if he tells the truth, i may not be able to perceive it as the truth any longer, not because i dont want to trust him, but i guess that part of me is somehow dead. and i mourn for the person that i was before - trusting everything he says because i believe he would be the last one to hurt me this way. maybe this lesson is indeed a worthy one. at least it allowed me to grow from being gullible to someone more wary of others' words and intentions. although i feel sad for this world-this world houses so much insincerity and lies that people would make just to protect their interests.
i should make a choice to be happy, shouldnt i? there are so many little wonders that are happening around me. every time my elder son does something new, i'm amazed at how much he's grown. when my newborn opens his eyes, his eyes so much like his dad's, and looks at me with a hint of recognition, my heart simply melts with so much love.
perhaps before i sleep every night ( not that i have much time to sleep in the nights nowadays), i should really count my blessings instead of recounting the very familiar tirade of 'what have i done wrong'. and one day i may just get used to being truly happy again
so what do i really want now? even if he tells the truth, i may not be able to perceive it as the truth any longer, not because i dont want to trust him, but i guess that part of me is somehow dead. and i mourn for the person that i was before - trusting everything he says because i believe he would be the last one to hurt me this way. maybe this lesson is indeed a worthy one. at least it allowed me to grow from being gullible to someone more wary of others' words and intentions. although i feel sad for this world-this world houses so much insincerity and lies that people would make just to protect their interests.
i should make a choice to be happy, shouldnt i? there are so many little wonders that are happening around me. every time my elder son does something new, i'm amazed at how much he's grown. when my newborn opens his eyes, his eyes so much like his dad's, and looks at me with a hint of recognition, my heart simply melts with so much love.
perhaps before i sleep every night ( not that i have much time to sleep in the nights nowadays), i should really count my blessings instead of recounting the very familiar tirade of 'what have i done wrong'. and one day i may just get used to being truly happy again
u Fear not trusting him cos u've made him the leading light... and i guess the meaning of trust has been adjusted to coincie with believing him, so much so tat to trust him - u gotta believe him. some of the reasons though ludicrous, has to be believed, if u dun, it crumbles. why he chose to lie is a moot point after awhile, given the nature where any need to lie was even necessary - if he was indeed innocent as hell.
yup u're rite - even if he tells the truth, u may not be able to perceive it as the truth anymore... actually your mind is being screwed n abused to the point u dun even know it's happening... sadly, u're one of the perpetrators.
the world isn't tat bad... it's Your world tat may need a change. Trust, beyond lies.. is self-deceit. coming to terms with this would release u from the very need to verify, but instead to go about with a sense of acceptance... only with acceptance can u seek to be happy.
yup u're rite - even if he tells the truth, u may not be able to perceive it as the truth anymore... actually your mind is being screwed n abused to the point u dun even know it's happening... sadly, u're one of the perpetrators.
the world isn't tat bad... it's Your world tat may need a change. Trust, beyond lies.. is self-deceit. coming to terms with this would release u from the very need to verify, but instead to go about with a sense of acceptance... only with acceptance can u seek to be happy.
i wonder how come it ended up like this.. can i really blame my pregnancy for driving me nuts? because i really dont remember being so wary before.. or was he right that i've allowed so many similar stories in this forum to crowd my mind and warp my thinking?
but you've set me thinking abt whether trust and belief is necessarily the same. and you're right about needing to walk away from the need to verify and walk into a sense of acceptance. i've just going round in circles if i don't.
but i just cannot get over the coincidence of his bills disappearing from home at the around the same time his lies possibly started. my mind is eating me up and no matter how hard i try, it just goes back to the same issues.. i've really got to make a move on my life..
but you've set me thinking abt whether trust and belief is necessarily the same. and you're right about needing to walk away from the need to verify and walk into a sense of acceptance. i've just going round in circles if i don't.
but i just cannot get over the coincidence of his bills disappearing from home at the around the same time his lies possibly started. my mind is eating me up and no matter how hard i try, it just goes back to the same issues.. i've really got to make a move on my life..
confused09
New Member
stardust,
life is choices. you are right in saying you have the right to choose to be happy. whether you make happiness ur own responsibility, or place it all in the hands of your husband is the question.
how is happiness possible with a husband who betrays your trust, cheats on you, is distant n uncaring towards your needs? there are so many problems with him.
his infidelity is difficult to ignore, n here you are still trying to ignore all the big n wildly inappropriate facts glaring at you in the face, no wonder you're sad, uncertain and going crazy. why do you choose to live like this?
Let me get this straight:
He lies to you about where he's at.
He locks his phone with a password.
He has his credit card bills mailed to his office.
He is emotionally involved with a divorcee with 2 girls.
He tried to cover up his friendship/relationship with her.
You tried to pull yourself together from your emotional outbursts.
He thinks the girl (I'm assuming it's the divorcee) likes him. Claims he isn't interested.
Yet he talks to her softly on the phone. And flirts with her now and then because he is playful.
Later, you asked him how far he would have taken it if you never found out. He replied saying even if he wanted to take it further, you wouldn't have been able to find out.
Afterwards, you checked his email. N found a message he sent to his friend saying, “hi bro can i have her contact number.â€
You asked him about it, he got angry and hung up. At first I thought it may be a business associate's number he was asking for...
But later, he told you that email account is used by colleagues with controlling wives.
Then he continued coming home late at night. Didn''t come home on time when he told you he would.
You start feeling more and more insecure, n asked the forum whether you are causing your own troubles.
You told the forum his salary has taken a beating during the economy crisis and he's laden with debts n completely stressed out.
Still he's involved with some other ktv girl. Because you saw the sms from her asking him to “book for her.â€
You started getting angry at yourself for failing as a wife. And started being angry at “her.†Start losing your mind and your sense of direction. You tell the forum u feel alone, feel emotional and you feel useless. Tried to psycho urself saying he loves you. That he knows when to draw the line. That he hasn't done anything to betray you.
He promised you he would cease contact with her but he didn't. Then came the ring in his keyholder issue. And him taking a vacation with his friends when you're in confinement.
Even after giving birth, you're still wildly unhappy. But there is less talk of him now, and more about how unhappy you still feel.
hey sure, you don't want to be the suspicious accusing wife if he is indeed innocent. You don't want to drive him away further with all your insecurities and suspicions but we're talking facts here. how wrong can it be?
the facts are, he is cheating on you and will continue doing so.
your reaction towards everything so far is telling him you are willing to accept his infidelity. which also means he has no reason to stop doing whatever he is doing. he can milk all the sex and adoration he wants to feed his ego and wants, and at the end of the day, when he comes home, you're still his wife and he still has his kids. this man has his cake and eats it too. why should he do anything to change anything?
saying goes, if you want things to change, stop using the same method. this applies to yourself and maybe even your husband (but that is, if you're still in denial and still think he is worth your salt.)
am going to skip the civil niceties and cut right to the point, you're acting like an idiot willing to take any shit he throws over your head. no wonder he keeps throwing n no wonder you're going crazy. in life you can't win anything by being consistently passive.
now that you've given birth, just bide your time and leave.
after all you want to choose to be happy. and you are the product of what you choose for yourself in everything!
life is choices. you are right in saying you have the right to choose to be happy. whether you make happiness ur own responsibility, or place it all in the hands of your husband is the question.
how is happiness possible with a husband who betrays your trust, cheats on you, is distant n uncaring towards your needs? there are so many problems with him.
his infidelity is difficult to ignore, n here you are still trying to ignore all the big n wildly inappropriate facts glaring at you in the face, no wonder you're sad, uncertain and going crazy. why do you choose to live like this?
Let me get this straight:
He lies to you about where he's at.
He locks his phone with a password.
He has his credit card bills mailed to his office.
He is emotionally involved with a divorcee with 2 girls.
He tried to cover up his friendship/relationship with her.
You tried to pull yourself together from your emotional outbursts.
He thinks the girl (I'm assuming it's the divorcee) likes him. Claims he isn't interested.
Yet he talks to her softly on the phone. And flirts with her now and then because he is playful.
Later, you asked him how far he would have taken it if you never found out. He replied saying even if he wanted to take it further, you wouldn't have been able to find out.
Afterwards, you checked his email. N found a message he sent to his friend saying, “hi bro can i have her contact number.â€
You asked him about it, he got angry and hung up. At first I thought it may be a business associate's number he was asking for...
But later, he told you that email account is used by colleagues with controlling wives.
Then he continued coming home late at night. Didn''t come home on time when he told you he would.
You start feeling more and more insecure, n asked the forum whether you are causing your own troubles.
You told the forum his salary has taken a beating during the economy crisis and he's laden with debts n completely stressed out.
Still he's involved with some other ktv girl. Because you saw the sms from her asking him to “book for her.â€
You started getting angry at yourself for failing as a wife. And started being angry at “her.†Start losing your mind and your sense of direction. You tell the forum u feel alone, feel emotional and you feel useless. Tried to psycho urself saying he loves you. That he knows when to draw the line. That he hasn't done anything to betray you.
He promised you he would cease contact with her but he didn't. Then came the ring in his keyholder issue. And him taking a vacation with his friends when you're in confinement.
Even after giving birth, you're still wildly unhappy. But there is less talk of him now, and more about how unhappy you still feel.
hey sure, you don't want to be the suspicious accusing wife if he is indeed innocent. You don't want to drive him away further with all your insecurities and suspicions but we're talking facts here. how wrong can it be?
the facts are, he is cheating on you and will continue doing so.
your reaction towards everything so far is telling him you are willing to accept his infidelity. which also means he has no reason to stop doing whatever he is doing. he can milk all the sex and adoration he wants to feed his ego and wants, and at the end of the day, when he comes home, you're still his wife and he still has his kids. this man has his cake and eats it too. why should he do anything to change anything?
saying goes, if you want things to change, stop using the same method. this applies to yourself and maybe even your husband (but that is, if you're still in denial and still think he is worth your salt.)
am going to skip the civil niceties and cut right to the point, you're acting like an idiot willing to take any shit he throws over your head. no wonder he keeps throwing n no wonder you're going crazy. in life you can't win anything by being consistently passive.
now that you've given birth, just bide your time and leave.
after all you want to choose to be happy. and you are the product of what you choose for yourself in everything!
stardust,
in a generic view, he is not wrong to say what he said abt similar stories in this forum, and how it can warp one's thinking...
BUT do note that it is a statement aimed at causing u doubt, and meant to throw u off the track. u're actually being psychologically abused by him, it's just not apparent to u...
it does upset me at what's happening, but i dun wish to doubt his motive. he could see the sexcapades as merely an activity, whilst not wanting to hurt his family. what sucks is that he's a very bad liar who gets caught time n again... the thing is, if u were my sister or close fren, i'll just tell u that he's very obviously lying to u, and your decision is whether to accept that he is Lying, and not pursue further... but if u're the sort who doesn't like to be 'blissfully ignorant', then u have to call his bluff and follow it thru.
pretty much at a loss myself, cos normally when i confront a liar, i'd expect the truth... but he's the sort whom even when caught, maintains his innocence... i guess he believes his lies as well.
the bigger question here is... when all is done n dusted, will u be able to continue living with him, in full knowledge of what has happened, and what might continue to happen? so it's back to Acceptance, not denial nor self-deceit.
in a generic view, he is not wrong to say what he said abt similar stories in this forum, and how it can warp one's thinking...
BUT do note that it is a statement aimed at causing u doubt, and meant to throw u off the track. u're actually being psychologically abused by him, it's just not apparent to u...
it does upset me at what's happening, but i dun wish to doubt his motive. he could see the sexcapades as merely an activity, whilst not wanting to hurt his family. what sucks is that he's a very bad liar who gets caught time n again... the thing is, if u were my sister or close fren, i'll just tell u that he's very obviously lying to u, and your decision is whether to accept that he is Lying, and not pursue further... but if u're the sort who doesn't like to be 'blissfully ignorant', then u have to call his bluff and follow it thru.
pretty much at a loss myself, cos normally when i confront a liar, i'd expect the truth... but he's the sort whom even when caught, maintains his innocence... i guess he believes his lies as well.
the bigger question here is... when all is done n dusted, will u be able to continue living with him, in full knowledge of what has happened, and what might continue to happen? so it's back to Acceptance, not denial nor self-deceit.
hi confused,
need to clarify a couple of points.
He has his credit card bills mailed to his office. => no he doesn't, they're still billed out our address, he brings the mail home but he doesnt open them at home any longer and leave them lying around like he used to
he's involved with some other ktv girl. Because you saw the sms from her asking him to “book for her" => the sms wasnt from a ktv girl. it was that waitress, the divorcee. that sms was how i found out that he brings her to ktv with the ppl he needs to entertain. he claims she can entertain well and instead of tipping the ktv girls, he tips her instead since he sympathises with her situation. he also said she's asked him out but he didnt think it was appropriate, so he just asked if she'd like to tag along to ktv with his friends. which is what i dont get - not appropriate to go out with her but he still took her and her daughter out for dinner??
powder,
i dont wish to think of him like this, i find it very difficult to relate this new stranger to the husband i know. i'd very much like to know the truth before i make any major decision. but in my frame of mind now, i'm not sure if i can accept the truth should it be the worst. i need to get back on track, and make sure i can look after myself AND my children should the worst be true. i myself detest people accusing me of things i didnt do, because i've lived an honest life and any sort of guile is way beyond my imagination. my character is proof of truth enough. and my husband is such a character too. i really dont wish to make a wrong judgement based on flippant incidents like these. unfortunately, concrete prrof can only be achieved through hiring a PI and gathering evidence, which at this point of time i'm not ready nor prepared to do.
if a liar wanted to lie in the first place, even when caught, what can one do to him if he vehemently denied everything unless one has concrete proof of his lies?
need to clarify a couple of points.
He has his credit card bills mailed to his office. => no he doesn't, they're still billed out our address, he brings the mail home but he doesnt open them at home any longer and leave them lying around like he used to
he's involved with some other ktv girl. Because you saw the sms from her asking him to “book for her" => the sms wasnt from a ktv girl. it was that waitress, the divorcee. that sms was how i found out that he brings her to ktv with the ppl he needs to entertain. he claims she can entertain well and instead of tipping the ktv girls, he tips her instead since he sympathises with her situation. he also said she's asked him out but he didnt think it was appropriate, so he just asked if she'd like to tag along to ktv with his friends. which is what i dont get - not appropriate to go out with her but he still took her and her daughter out for dinner??
powder,
i dont wish to think of him like this, i find it very difficult to relate this new stranger to the husband i know. i'd very much like to know the truth before i make any major decision. but in my frame of mind now, i'm not sure if i can accept the truth should it be the worst. i need to get back on track, and make sure i can look after myself AND my children should the worst be true. i myself detest people accusing me of things i didnt do, because i've lived an honest life and any sort of guile is way beyond my imagination. my character is proof of truth enough. and my husband is such a character too. i really dont wish to make a wrong judgement based on flippant incidents like these. unfortunately, concrete prrof can only be achieved through hiring a PI and gathering evidence, which at this point of time i'm not ready nor prepared to do.
if a liar wanted to lie in the first place, even when caught, what can one do to him if he vehemently denied everything unless one has concrete proof of his lies?
confused09
New Member
stardust,
thanks for clarifying about the credit card bills and where they get mailed to. the more important question here is, why he took specific measures to keep them out of your sight.
so he's involved with some other ktv girl. and received smses from a waitress, whom he entertains and tips for business reasons. their relationship cannot be said to be a business transaction because he's going out with her daughter and her as well. so he's not only physically involved with ktv girls (so much so for being laden with debts), he's also having an emotional affair with a waitress. and these are just the 2 you know. how many others he's kissing, you have no idea. for good reason also, remember? if he really wanted to keep it from you, he can get away with it. obviously he has - he gets away with it because you let him.
instead of playing this coy game of fact versus fiction, why not go straight to the point. just look at where the facts are pointed. which incident was flippant?
why not get hold of the information u need. confront him. cement the fact that he is an unfaithful man, lay your cards on the table so he can do the same?
does he want to repent. or does he not want to repent. does he want to admit. or does he want to deny.
if he wants to continue fvcking other women, either like it or lump it.
if he wants to repent, then go for marriage counselling and start to heal.
so simple and so logical. you want to save the marriage, but does he?
don't drive yourself nuts going through the notions. life is not a movie. the internet can provide you the room to let off some steam, it can even gain you access to advice from other users, but afterwards, you live your own life. what you choose to do and not do today, has repercussions on your own future.
most of the time, cheating men (no offence to the good faithful ones) want their family and mistresses. come high or hell, they'll never initiate a divorce. much like how men don't dump women, they just treat them badly enough so women will leave.
stop being a wishy washy weakling and start standing up for yourself. your kids need a strong and emotionally stable mother who can give herself the happiness she deserves.
thanks for clarifying about the credit card bills and where they get mailed to. the more important question here is, why he took specific measures to keep them out of your sight.
so he's involved with some other ktv girl. and received smses from a waitress, whom he entertains and tips for business reasons. their relationship cannot be said to be a business transaction because he's going out with her daughter and her as well. so he's not only physically involved with ktv girls (so much so for being laden with debts), he's also having an emotional affair with a waitress. and these are just the 2 you know. how many others he's kissing, you have no idea. for good reason also, remember? if he really wanted to keep it from you, he can get away with it. obviously he has - he gets away with it because you let him.
instead of playing this coy game of fact versus fiction, why not go straight to the point. just look at where the facts are pointed. which incident was flippant?
why not get hold of the information u need. confront him. cement the fact that he is an unfaithful man, lay your cards on the table so he can do the same?
does he want to repent. or does he not want to repent. does he want to admit. or does he want to deny.
if he wants to continue fvcking other women, either like it or lump it.
if he wants to repent, then go for marriage counselling and start to heal.
so simple and so logical. you want to save the marriage, but does he?
don't drive yourself nuts going through the notions. life is not a movie. the internet can provide you the room to let off some steam, it can even gain you access to advice from other users, but afterwards, you live your own life. what you choose to do and not do today, has repercussions on your own future.
most of the time, cheating men (no offence to the good faithful ones) want their family and mistresses. come high or hell, they'll never initiate a divorce. much like how men don't dump women, they just treat them badly enough so women will leave.
stop being a wishy washy weakling and start standing up for yourself. your kids need a strong and emotionally stable mother who can give herself the happiness she deserves.
confused09
New Member
stardust,
imo your husband has problems written all over him. finances are not in order, laden with debts yet he still spends on commercial sex (no wonder he is in debt), he sleeps around, hangs around sleazy pubs, lies to people, on top of all his own problems, he proceeds to dabble with other people's family issues without thinking so much for his own. him being problematic is one thing, the fact that he sees no need for him to change is the scariest part of it all. why let such a loser drag you down into a lifetime of misery? some people are toxic, you just have to let them wake up from their own idea on their own watch.
kick him out of your life for the time being. get some distance, gain some perspective. focus on yourself and bringing up your kids. later when he gets his act together, then ask him what he wants.
don't let precious energy go into worrying and rationalizing for someone who has betrayed you time and again. not worth it. love is not what you're doing. you're allowing him to continue his mistakes thinking it's okay to continue doing whatever he is doing. men among men won't respect him as one either. with this kind of behavior. he most probably won't go far professionally imo. too many loopholes in his reliability and integrity.
you may think you love him unconditionally but it's detrimental to yourself and him. be smart about this and bide your time to do the right thing.
let him sink. just don't sink with him.
imo your husband has problems written all over him. finances are not in order, laden with debts yet he still spends on commercial sex (no wonder he is in debt), he sleeps around, hangs around sleazy pubs, lies to people, on top of all his own problems, he proceeds to dabble with other people's family issues without thinking so much for his own. him being problematic is one thing, the fact that he sees no need for him to change is the scariest part of it all. why let such a loser drag you down into a lifetime of misery? some people are toxic, you just have to let them wake up from their own idea on their own watch.
kick him out of your life for the time being. get some distance, gain some perspective. focus on yourself and bringing up your kids. later when he gets his act together, then ask him what he wants.
don't let precious energy go into worrying and rationalizing for someone who has betrayed you time and again. not worth it. love is not what you're doing. you're allowing him to continue his mistakes thinking it's okay to continue doing whatever he is doing. men among men won't respect him as one either. with this kind of behavior. he most probably won't go far professionally imo. too many loopholes in his reliability and integrity.
you may think you love him unconditionally but it's detrimental to yourself and him. be smart about this and bide your time to do the right thing.
let him sink. just don't sink with him.
if today i were to die, would the last words to me be a lie?
if today i were to live, would u sincerely help me believe?
if today i were to die, would it be a nice goodbye?
if today i were to live, would leaving u make u grieve?
if today i were to die, would our marriage u simply deny?
if today i were to live, would your choice still be me - to be with?
if today i were to die, would u even ask God Why?
if today i were to live, would i live with no reprieve?
from me to u... (yeah i'm not a very good poet, only now the rhyming stuff)... u take good care. i'll be on the lookout when u get to the next stage...
if today i were to live, would u sincerely help me believe?
if today i were to die, would it be a nice goodbye?
if today i were to live, would leaving u make u grieve?
if today i were to die, would our marriage u simply deny?
if today i were to live, would your choice still be me - to be with?
if today i were to die, would u even ask God Why?
if today i were to live, would i live with no reprieve?
from me to u... (yeah i'm not a very good poet, only now the rhyming stuff)... u take good care. i'll be on the lookout when u get to the next stage...
hi confused,
oops, i think i need to clarify again, so far he has only had contact with that one waitress. no ktv girl involved. he brought her - the waitress- along with him a few times when he visited ktv with his friends, his reason was she can entertain them well.
i dont believe he has had any physical affairs with anyone. i just do..
perhaps all the things i've posted here didnt paint him in a very good light. i really wonder what he'd say for himself if he were reading all these.
despite all the lies, i know him as surely as i know myself. he wouldnt go so far as to cheat on me so callously. i just know that. call it instinct.
that's why i feel so torn when i found out he keeps lying to me. i found out another lie today in fact. yesterday, he told me his ticket for his trip costs 600+. but i looked into his email today and saw that he'd paid 1.4k for a business class tic. i dont understand why he'd lie to me about this as well? is it so fun to lie? is it so fun to hurt me time and time again? is it so fun to try and get away time and time again? is it all a game to him? this game is tearing me apart...
i know maybe he didnt want me to say why he'd booked such an expensive ticket even though he's debt ridden. and if i ask him about it, i can guarantee he'd just retort ' what's wrong with buying a biz class tic? and what were you doing snooping in my email again?'
powder,
thanks for the heartfelt poem.. i really might need to leave, just to gather my thoughts. perhaps its good that he wont be around the next few days, because i really cnanot bear to look at him and wonder again which words the comes out of him are the truth and which are lies.
i can keep asking, but i will never get an answer. i've got to ask him once and for all if he can and is willing to stop lying, otherwise keeping me wouldnt be a choice any longer, i'll be walking away myself. as it is, i feel like i've already walked an amotional distance away. if he doesnt call me back, then the next distance would be physical.
i've forwarded the flight confirmation email to me acc, and in his acc, a sign was left on that email to say that that mail had been forwarded. if he asks, i'll tell him the truth.that i'd looked. anyway he already said he doesnt trust me anymore too...
oops, i think i need to clarify again, so far he has only had contact with that one waitress. no ktv girl involved. he brought her - the waitress- along with him a few times when he visited ktv with his friends, his reason was she can entertain them well.
i dont believe he has had any physical affairs with anyone. i just do..
perhaps all the things i've posted here didnt paint him in a very good light. i really wonder what he'd say for himself if he were reading all these.
despite all the lies, i know him as surely as i know myself. he wouldnt go so far as to cheat on me so callously. i just know that. call it instinct.
that's why i feel so torn when i found out he keeps lying to me. i found out another lie today in fact. yesterday, he told me his ticket for his trip costs 600+. but i looked into his email today and saw that he'd paid 1.4k for a business class tic. i dont understand why he'd lie to me about this as well? is it so fun to lie? is it so fun to hurt me time and time again? is it so fun to try and get away time and time again? is it all a game to him? this game is tearing me apart...
i know maybe he didnt want me to say why he'd booked such an expensive ticket even though he's debt ridden. and if i ask him about it, i can guarantee he'd just retort ' what's wrong with buying a biz class tic? and what were you doing snooping in my email again?'
powder,
thanks for the heartfelt poem.. i really might need to leave, just to gather my thoughts. perhaps its good that he wont be around the next few days, because i really cnanot bear to look at him and wonder again which words the comes out of him are the truth and which are lies.
i can keep asking, but i will never get an answer. i've got to ask him once and for all if he can and is willing to stop lying, otherwise keeping me wouldnt be a choice any longer, i'll be walking away myself. as it is, i feel like i've already walked an amotional distance away. if he doesnt call me back, then the next distance would be physical.
i've forwarded the flight confirmation email to me acc, and in his acc, a sign was left on that email to say that that mail had been forwarded. if he asks, i'll tell him the truth.that i'd looked. anyway he already said he doesnt trust me anymore too...
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"anyway he already said he doesnt trust me anymore too..."
This tactic always works!
This tactic always works!
"i dont believe he has had any physical affairs with anyone. i just do.. "
Only physical then consider an affair? People can stray mentally. Not wanting to pass any judgment on your husband, but it seems to me that the actions he has done is going towards there.
" i dont understand why he'd lie to me about this as well? is it so fun to lie? is it so fun to hurt me time and time again? is it so fun to try and get away time and time again? is it all a game to him? this game is tearing me apart... "
He's lying out of convenience then.
Stardust, been following your thread. In a marriage, there shouldn't be 猜疑 (sorry I can't think of a proper Eng word). No matter what, anything can be trashed out. If you are feeling insecure due to his actions, there's nothing wrong in making it known to him.
Perhaps consider marriage counseling as well.
Only physical then consider an affair? People can stray mentally. Not wanting to pass any judgment on your husband, but it seems to me that the actions he has done is going towards there.
" i dont understand why he'd lie to me about this as well? is it so fun to lie? is it so fun to hurt me time and time again? is it so fun to try and get away time and time again? is it all a game to him? this game is tearing me apart... "
He's lying out of convenience then.
Stardust, been following your thread. In a marriage, there shouldn't be 猜疑 (sorry I can't think of a proper Eng word). No matter what, anything can be trashed out. If you are feeling insecure due to his actions, there's nothing wrong in making it known to him.
Perhaps consider marriage counseling as well.
hi doll,
not sure what you mean, can elaborate? i intepreted it as the chinese proverb 'a thief calling another a thief'
hi avril,
if its physical, then i'm definitely leaving without a doubt. if its mental, i may be willing to give the marriage a fight, depending on situation. but if he doesnt meet up to my expectations and really repent, then similarly, i will also leave. there will not be any room for negotiation.
i think he's lying out of convenience too. its easier to lie and hope to get away with it, than to take the risk, tell the truth, and be nagged at. but i dont understand why he has to choose to lie because i've never bothered him much about what he does, and i've never nagged at him in any other way. he always says his friends wives are controlling, nag at them.. etc. i feel that he's being brainwashed by his friends to think i'm like that too.. which is why i'm so disappointed that he's so weak that he would rather go along with his friends than a decade worth of understanding.
same as you, i agree that "In a marriage, there shouldn't be 猜疑", which is why i really feel like giving up on this. i dont know how long it'll take for me to build up the trust again, and judging by the way he reacts when i ask him abt his lies, i dont think he's willing to put everything on the line and build up my trust in him again.
i dont want to end up in divorce, and i dont want to threaten him with it. i dont see the point. if i eventually bring it up, it'll be for real. frankly speaking, i'm halfway there..if he continues to lie, this marriage will have no soul and spirit left, then what is there to stay on for?
not sure what you mean, can elaborate? i intepreted it as the chinese proverb 'a thief calling another a thief'
hi avril,
if its physical, then i'm definitely leaving without a doubt. if its mental, i may be willing to give the marriage a fight, depending on situation. but if he doesnt meet up to my expectations and really repent, then similarly, i will also leave. there will not be any room for negotiation.
i think he's lying out of convenience too. its easier to lie and hope to get away with it, than to take the risk, tell the truth, and be nagged at. but i dont understand why he has to choose to lie because i've never bothered him much about what he does, and i've never nagged at him in any other way. he always says his friends wives are controlling, nag at them.. etc. i feel that he's being brainwashed by his friends to think i'm like that too.. which is why i'm so disappointed that he's so weak that he would rather go along with his friends than a decade worth of understanding.
same as you, i agree that "In a marriage, there shouldn't be 猜疑", which is why i really feel like giving up on this. i dont know how long it'll take for me to build up the trust again, and judging by the way he reacts when i ask him abt his lies, i dont think he's willing to put everything on the line and build up my trust in him again.
i dont want to end up in divorce, and i dont want to threaten him with it. i dont see the point. if i eventually bring it up, it'll be for real. frankly speaking, i'm halfway there..if he continues to lie, this marriage will have no soul and spirit left, then what is there to stay on for?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Yes, Stardust, that was what I meant. You are a smart woman. I do not think any lies can keep you from the truth unless you willingly believe that the lies are truth.
confused09
New Member
stardust,
it's a common tactic for immature subjects and liars when challenged or exposed with lies, to go on the defensive. when you question them, they get angrier than you, voice becomes louder than yours. they become combative psychologically. instead of clarifying your doubts, they turn the tables around and question you instead.
agree with doll you are a smart woman.
it's a common tactic for immature subjects and liars when challenged or exposed with lies, to go on the defensive. when you question them, they get angrier than you, voice becomes louder than yours. they become combative psychologically. instead of clarifying your doubts, they turn the tables around and question you instead.
agree with doll you are a smart woman.
confused09
New Member
stardust,
your gut instinct is the product of your heart and your mind. if this instinct is telling you he hasn't cheated on you physically, then why is it telling you to snoop around his email and cell phone. how many versions of gut instincts do you have?
think about it. if you have nothing to hide, will you spill it all? for peace of mind for your partner and in turn, peace of mind for yourself?
forget the business class ticket. when you're done deriving your own conclusions to this one, there'll be more to tackle.
whose number was he asking for in that shanghai email to his bro?
number of their client or number of social escort?
what was he doing in JB when he said he was in reservist?
clubbing, visiting KTVs with friends, tryst with his lover, or having seafood, shopping for DVDs and visiting the zoo?
when he doesn't come home late at night, where is he usually? punching sales figures in the office or entertaining clients with hostesses and the waitress?
who is he talking softly on the phone in private with? the waitress?
why? if it's platonic then can you be friends with her too? go for outings together lor, your kids can play together mah.
why don't you forget your gut instinct this time round and seek cold hard facts for a change?
the only way for you to move on is when you become more action oriented towards your own life.
hopefully when you run out of steam to run around in circles deceiving yourself, you'll give up and call it a day.
either that or when someone brash enough to engage a PI on your behalf, show you all the evidence in your face and force you to confront the truth. cos imo, you're the type who chi ying bu chi ruan.
either that or when he's done with his own bullshit and yours, finished prepping and planning his moves and asks you for a separation.
good luck.
your gut instinct is the product of your heart and your mind. if this instinct is telling you he hasn't cheated on you physically, then why is it telling you to snoop around his email and cell phone. how many versions of gut instincts do you have?
think about it. if you have nothing to hide, will you spill it all? for peace of mind for your partner and in turn, peace of mind for yourself?
forget the business class ticket. when you're done deriving your own conclusions to this one, there'll be more to tackle.
whose number was he asking for in that shanghai email to his bro?
number of their client or number of social escort?
what was he doing in JB when he said he was in reservist?
clubbing, visiting KTVs with friends, tryst with his lover, or having seafood, shopping for DVDs and visiting the zoo?
when he doesn't come home late at night, where is he usually? punching sales figures in the office or entertaining clients with hostesses and the waitress?
who is he talking softly on the phone in private with? the waitress?
why? if it's platonic then can you be friends with her too? go for outings together lor, your kids can play together mah.
why don't you forget your gut instinct this time round and seek cold hard facts for a change?
the only way for you to move on is when you become more action oriented towards your own life.
hopefully when you run out of steam to run around in circles deceiving yourself, you'll give up and call it a day.
either that or when someone brash enough to engage a PI on your behalf, show you all the evidence in your face and force you to confront the truth. cos imo, you're the type who chi ying bu chi ruan.
either that or when he's done with his own bullshit and yours, finished prepping and planning his moves and asks you for a separation.
good luck.
well star dust,
there's alot of contradictions in wat's been said... u believe him, yet u catch him lying... u dun believe he's such a person, yet he indeed is...
there's also been psychological abuse... he tells u abt how his frens' wives nags n controls them, BOT becos he is influenced by them, but it's a measure to stop u from doing the same... EVEN if u have every suspicion n right to do so. the hokkien call it "par zharm" (giving an injection). it's to prevent u from doing it out of guilt of fear of being like the wives... even If your case is legit, and their wives may not be.
for all u know, the whole bunch of them are senior members of sammyboyforum and are experts in diffusing the situation n turning the table on their wives... Pls dun single out your husband as the solitary nice guy being influenced by frens... it is Highly unlikely.
all said, the layers to unfold remain thick...
there's alot of contradictions in wat's been said... u believe him, yet u catch him lying... u dun believe he's such a person, yet he indeed is...
there's also been psychological abuse... he tells u abt how his frens' wives nags n controls them, BOT becos he is influenced by them, but it's a measure to stop u from doing the same... EVEN if u have every suspicion n right to do so. the hokkien call it "par zharm" (giving an injection). it's to prevent u from doing it out of guilt of fear of being like the wives... even If your case is legit, and their wives may not be.
for all u know, the whole bunch of them are senior members of sammyboyforum and are experts in diffusing the situation n turning the table on their wives... Pls dun single out your husband as the solitary nice guy being influenced by frens... it is Highly unlikely.
all said, the layers to unfold remain thick...
hi doll n confused,
thanks for saying i'm smart, =) because lately i've begun to doubt it and feel really stupid.
actually i find myself in a very passive position now. i wasnt a very proactive person to start with, and with all these dragging on for nealy 6 months already, i feel really exhausted. i've cried so much before in my entire life, and the worst is i had to hide away and cry. when my baby was still inside, at least he knew, but now since he's out, i'm crying all alone once again.
i cant seem to summon up the energy to do anything, not even to ask him abt the lies i found out one by one. i am indeed running out of steam, and i guess soon i'll give up and call it a day, like what you said, confused.i might even welcome a separation.
powder,
hm.. i guess my confused state of mind has manifested itself in the words i leave here.. but yes, i find that there are so many layers to unfold, and each layer i unfold leaves me so tired. i barely have enough time to rest before i unfold another layer. i think i'll most probably give up before i reach the center. i can feel my energy seeping away ...but dont worry, i wont be broken. if anything, i'll emergy of all these layers a stronger person i was. i have my two sons to love and to love me - unconditionally.
thanks for saying i'm smart, =) because lately i've begun to doubt it and feel really stupid.
actually i find myself in a very passive position now. i wasnt a very proactive person to start with, and with all these dragging on for nealy 6 months already, i feel really exhausted. i've cried so much before in my entire life, and the worst is i had to hide away and cry. when my baby was still inside, at least he knew, but now since he's out, i'm crying all alone once again.
i cant seem to summon up the energy to do anything, not even to ask him abt the lies i found out one by one. i am indeed running out of steam, and i guess soon i'll give up and call it a day, like what you said, confused.i might even welcome a separation.
powder,
hm.. i guess my confused state of mind has manifested itself in the words i leave here.. but yes, i find that there are so many layers to unfold, and each layer i unfold leaves me so tired. i barely have enough time to rest before i unfold another layer. i think i'll most probably give up before i reach the center. i can feel my energy seeping away ...but dont worry, i wont be broken. if anything, i'll emergy of all these layers a stronger person i was. i have my two sons to love and to love me - unconditionally.
confused09
New Member
stardust,
*raise pom poms*
jia you!
*raise pom poms*
jia you!
today i feel that the rock in my heart is beginning to diminish. =)
hubby noticed i looked moody last night, so i just let him know i knew abt him booking the biz class tic instead of the economy class one. of course i had to admit i looked into his email. i cant really remember what we said to each other, but he broke down in tears. i thought i felt the deepest of heartbreak before, but that was nothing compared to how i felt when i saw him cry..
and no, he didnt break down because he was guilty, but because he really was at his wits end as to convince me that he didnt do anything wrong, didnt cheat, has nothing going on with that particular woman or any other woman at all.
seeing him like that, i suddenly felt the need to be the stronger one, to be the one holding him and giving him comfort. Its really amazing - i was on the verge of breaking down, and yet i realised that i had so much strength in me to support him when he breaks down. since we've been together, he'd only cried 4 times, at his grandpa's and grandma's funerals 10 years ago, when i initiated a break up 8 years ago, and then yesterday.
we talked, and he told me he'd been facing a lot of stress at work because of a shift in management, and he was really worried because he's in a whole load of debts, and he's facing the possibility of losing his job as well. he said he didnt dare to leave his bills because he'd maxed out all his cards and didnt want me to worry abt the finances. on top of that, he felt really burdened by my suspicions.
he didnt want to leave his phone on because he was afraid that if the woman called him and i saw her number, i would be upset again. i asked him if he was still in contact with her and her daughter, and he said she'd still sms or call him sometimes to ask when they'd be going out again. he told me so what if she likes him, as long as he doesnt reciprocate, he doesnt see a problem with her calling him.
he said he used to boast to his friends that i would never suspect him of anything because i trust him, but he says now he thinks all women are the same - we have suspicious natures. This is the littlest rock that's still stuck in my heart - that he wouldnt trust me to trust him now. and now i've got to figure out how to build this trust up in him again.
sigh.. although the conversation did unlock alot of layers for me, i think he still doesnt get why i'm upset about THIS particular woman. if only he didnt lie the very first time i questioned him abt who this person was. that was the one lie that unravelled everything and set off a whole lot of chain reactions. i dont think he'll ever understand why but at least i feel that the locks are now open and i hope we can finally move off from this spot we were stuck for so long.
i feel as if i've run a marathon, or climbed a steep hill. tired, and glad its over, i hope TRULY over. at every stage of life there really is a lesson to be learnt..now i can hold him in my arms again and not feel like i'm holding a stranger anymore. =)
hubby noticed i looked moody last night, so i just let him know i knew abt him booking the biz class tic instead of the economy class one. of course i had to admit i looked into his email. i cant really remember what we said to each other, but he broke down in tears. i thought i felt the deepest of heartbreak before, but that was nothing compared to how i felt when i saw him cry..
and no, he didnt break down because he was guilty, but because he really was at his wits end as to convince me that he didnt do anything wrong, didnt cheat, has nothing going on with that particular woman or any other woman at all.
seeing him like that, i suddenly felt the need to be the stronger one, to be the one holding him and giving him comfort. Its really amazing - i was on the verge of breaking down, and yet i realised that i had so much strength in me to support him when he breaks down. since we've been together, he'd only cried 4 times, at his grandpa's and grandma's funerals 10 years ago, when i initiated a break up 8 years ago, and then yesterday.
we talked, and he told me he'd been facing a lot of stress at work because of a shift in management, and he was really worried because he's in a whole load of debts, and he's facing the possibility of losing his job as well. he said he didnt dare to leave his bills because he'd maxed out all his cards and didnt want me to worry abt the finances. on top of that, he felt really burdened by my suspicions.
he didnt want to leave his phone on because he was afraid that if the woman called him and i saw her number, i would be upset again. i asked him if he was still in contact with her and her daughter, and he said she'd still sms or call him sometimes to ask when they'd be going out again. he told me so what if she likes him, as long as he doesnt reciprocate, he doesnt see a problem with her calling him.
he said he used to boast to his friends that i would never suspect him of anything because i trust him, but he says now he thinks all women are the same - we have suspicious natures. This is the littlest rock that's still stuck in my heart - that he wouldnt trust me to trust him now. and now i've got to figure out how to build this trust up in him again.
sigh.. although the conversation did unlock alot of layers for me, i think he still doesnt get why i'm upset about THIS particular woman. if only he didnt lie the very first time i questioned him abt who this person was. that was the one lie that unravelled everything and set off a whole lot of chain reactions. i dont think he'll ever understand why but at least i feel that the locks are now open and i hope we can finally move off from this spot we were stuck for so long.
i feel as if i've run a marathon, or climbed a steep hill. tired, and glad its over, i hope TRULY over. at every stage of life there really is a lesson to be learnt..now i can hold him in my arms again and not feel like i'm holding a stranger anymore. =)
Am happy for you Stardust.
Clearing the air is always good rather than imagining things silently.
You have both talked and he has also tried to clarify matters which you can accept, you can suggest to him that he doesn't have to hide things from you anymore since they only aid suspicion.
Forget about that lie he told you. It is over and done with. As long as he doesn't lie anymore.
Clearing the air is always good rather than imagining things silently.
You have both talked and he has also tried to clarify matters which you can accept, you can suggest to him that he doesn't have to hide things from you anymore since they only aid suspicion.
Forget about that lie he told you. It is over and done with. As long as he doesn't lie anymore.
hi avril sim,
thank you =)
we've both been really hurt by each other these past few months.. i think its going to take some time for both of us to recover. but at least we have each other.
i dont know how things will be in future. i hope we love each other enough to grow from this episode together, and have a deeper understanding of each other than before.
trust is really very fragile.. to forummers who have followed my story, please remember never to lie to someone whom you want trust from. once its broken, things may never be the same again. and one can only hope that the relationship is strong enough to bloom after the storm, and not give up to the demands of the bad weather.
thank you =)
we've both been really hurt by each other these past few months.. i think its going to take some time for both of us to recover. but at least we have each other.
i dont know how things will be in future. i hope we love each other enough to grow from this episode together, and have a deeper understanding of each other than before.
trust is really very fragile.. to forummers who have followed my story, please remember never to lie to someone whom you want trust from. once its broken, things may never be the same again. and one can only hope that the relationship is strong enough to bloom after the storm, and not give up to the demands of the bad weather.
stardust,
am glad that u guys sorted it out liao...
but would like to highlight (a slight note of caution from me to you, pls don't mind me) that after all the drama, u do have ur rights and demands as a wife (of cos, the reasonable types), and u gotta stand up for yourself Immediately wheneven there is due concern on questionable behaviour - in which, there shouldn't be on his part.
yes, you are more capable than you ever believe in yourself.
stardust/powder, congrats on the new-born
am glad that u guys sorted it out liao...
but would like to highlight (a slight note of caution from me to you, pls don't mind me) that after all the drama, u do have ur rights and demands as a wife (of cos, the reasonable types), and u gotta stand up for yourself Immediately wheneven there is due concern on questionable behaviour - in which, there shouldn't be on his part.
yes, you are more capable than you ever believe in yourself.
stardust/powder, congrats on the new-born
vios,
thank you for both the advice and the congrats. =)
i really dont like to question and clarify because i truly believe that there should be transparency between two people who'd pledged their lives to each other. that's why i find it so hard to take when he found out that he'd lied to me so many things, even though they may be white lies.
i hope he can understand that all i ask for is openness and honesty, and of course fidelity lah.
frankly speaking, is it really too much to ask? do i have too high expectations of a marriage?
thank you for both the advice and the congrats. =)
i really dont like to question and clarify because i truly believe that there should be transparency between two people who'd pledged their lives to each other. that's why i find it so hard to take when he found out that he'd lied to me so many things, even though they may be white lies.
i hope he can understand that all i ask for is openness and honesty, and of course fidelity lah.
frankly speaking, is it really too much to ask? do i have too high expectations of a marriage?
hi meekia,
i've read and posted in your thread too.. just some of my thoughts and opinions. i know its not easy because you suddenly have been thrown a huge decision to make, it wasnt your choice to make this decision. honestly, it'll be much easier if your husband chose to leave you, do you agree? you'l be sad and devastated, but at least the decision isnt yours to make and you would be left in this dilemma. fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you see it, the field's left very open, and that's why you feel like you're helpless to choose a path to walk. when i read your thread, i feel that you havent chosen a path yet. you're still oscillating between the two obvious paths that you see. leave or stay.
but, like powder always says, why is there only choice A or choice B? what about C, D, E...etc?
give yourself time to grieve over the innocence your marriage has lost. then consider the choices that are open to you.
i've read and posted in your thread too.. just some of my thoughts and opinions. i know its not easy because you suddenly have been thrown a huge decision to make, it wasnt your choice to make this decision. honestly, it'll be much easier if your husband chose to leave you, do you agree? you'l be sad and devastated, but at least the decision isnt yours to make and you would be left in this dilemma. fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you see it, the field's left very open, and that's why you feel like you're helpless to choose a path to walk. when i read your thread, i feel that you havent chosen a path yet. you're still oscillating between the two obvious paths that you see. leave or stay.
but, like powder always says, why is there only choice A or choice B? what about C, D, E...etc?
give yourself time to grieve over the innocence your marriage has lost. then consider the choices that are open to you.