Husband has affair overseas

M

maybe_maybe

New Member
Dear all,
I have recently found out that my husband, who has to travel frequently due to work has been having an affair overseas. I am sad and angry cos I took excellent care of the house and my young child and all the time, he was fooling ard. I found out when i was paying the bills and accidentally came across his phone bills... he made calls to her everyday and night while he was with me in SG... can see that they are very very close... i was furious and bombarded him for a full 8 days. he cannot tahan. he said b4 i found out, he was trying to break with the gal already... but i dun stand his nonsense la. He said now he totally break and cried a few times in front of me, his aunt and my mom. I dun kno if he is really repentant cos in future, i also cant monitor him unless i engage a PI. I have done my calculations. Financially, i dun have to worry cos i am working and holds a well-paid job. Now i thinking want D him cos the scar is there.. the only thing i hold back is cos of my beliefs as a Christian and of my child.

What should i do?
 


before anyone can advise you. You have to be sure of your plan. Ask yourself what do u want?

1) Do you want to rebuild the marriage and trust
OR
2) dump him and move on.

If you want to give him a chance, then don't bother about PI etc. These are only useful for collecting evidence for divorce and not rebuilding the marriage. Rather, stop thinking marriage is about "took excellent care of the house and my young child". Work on the communication and understand what and where are the issues in the marriage. Note, this is not a fault finding or finger pointing. SIMPLY analyzing to rebuild the relationship & trust.

If your intention is to divorce him, then the only advise you need is on the process details of getting a divorce. Go gather all the needed information on divorce.

You mentioned about your child and religion. First question, can you continue to have a happy marriage with this man? If the answer is no, then WHY is it holding u back? Kids are not stupid one. While a divorce will hurt them... but the truth of how much their parents suffer in an unhappy marriage hurts them like a knife too. I speak of this as I bled from the hurts my parents endured. As children, we would want our parents to be happy. In the short term, maybe they are too young to understand. But why the eventually mature, the truth is going to hurt them badly too.

Next, on religion, I don't remember the Bible said anything about following a set of rules blindly. Many times, we are basing on our own interpretation. Christianity is not about following rules. Its a relationship with your creator. Pray to him and ask him for the wisedom. The answer comes from no where else but within yourself.
 
yes
thanks... but the prob now... i also dun kno which to choose.
I am a very rash person and demands immediate results... so my best way out is to D. Cos i cant handle my feelings and knowing that he calls TOW so often, even when he is home with us. He even sneaks out of bed to call her at 4am!!
he says that all that is in the past and he has brokened up with her and will be faithful... but i just cant find peace and trust him again..
 
This is one thing u need to learn. There are times that your personality have an advantage. I'm pretty rush person myself. But I have learn to realize some things cannot be rushed. Take time to search your soul for the answers. Let the reality sink in deep and think rationally.

Yes, you cannot handle your emotions now. That's cos u r still in the state of shock and hurt. Don't make decisions in a rush. You know of the implication. Find peace with yourself before you decide.
 
Is your hubby a Christian too? Perhaps you can seek counselling from your pastor? Better still, pray together as husband and wife and ask God to heal your marriage....
 
I dunno about that advise.

Because having a senior to pressurize both parties to compromise into a solution he thinks is right might not be a good idea.

At the end of the day, its their lives. They have to face the consequences of their decision. So, if counselloring is required, its better to seek someone out of the church. i.e. someone that is truly neutral in their position - no conflict of interest. Could be a counsellor or (pastor from another church if u insist must be same faith).
 
my hb is a non-C.
so past few days, i have been praying for peace to accept him back... but now... i cant seem to find peace. I told him i dun need him actually. cos i take handle everything on my own and i dun need him to "serve his duties' with us. but he insist that he wants to come back.
 
and even if i take him back... he will still continue to travel. I dun want this episode to be repeated on me when i amd old and unable to support myself!
 
u have to stop being angry to move on.

Be it with him or divorce. Forgiveness is for yourself. Anger serves no constructive purpose.
 
yea
i kno...very silly to be angry...i am now very focused on my career and my child... havent reached 2 years of age and his daddy like that le... and his daddy not those young punks... is 37 years old le and i am in my 20s
 
but hor... i waish to post sth nuetral too...
my tots for D is very strong... perhaps backed by my character and my position at work... i am very confident that i can bring up my kid very well.. without him... that's y... i believe... sometimes career women are at the losing end in a marriage compared to those simpler ladies.
 
u r not silly. u r human. My mum still have resentments for my dad beyond his grave. It saddens me. But at least, my dad finally understood my mum's difficulty months before his untimely death. I seek peace and comfort in that.
 
i wun hate him to that extend... but i'll live better and happier and bring up my child well..
shall i ask for alimony from him? if i dun, can i reject him the visitation rights and change my son's surname?

cos he did mention to me that if TOW has his child, he will not leave her...
 
I always believe that forgiveness and marriage are two different things. You can forgive a cheating spouse but you don't have to continue staying married to him/her, if you can't.

Maybe - Alimony and child custoday are two separate things.
 
Why would you want to do that??? I know... it pretty instinctive to want to do that. But, think again... Is that the best interest of your son not to let him see his natural father? Its actually a very selfish (although human) thought.

Its human to err. So what his parents cannot be together, life goes on. Why must you deprived him of a father over the split in your marriage? If he is abusive and would potentially hit him, then that would be logical. Else, you are actually venting your personal emotions at the expense of your son's interest.
 
yes... milo... i tot of that too.. i read that being a bd hb does not mean a bad father... but u kno, from the day my son was born till now.. he did not really cared or took care of him. till now... he cant make his milk/ change diapers
 
Maybe, besides not taking care of your son's physical needs, did your husband neglect his emotional needs as well?

When I was a baby, my (late) dad did not get involved with the physical caring of me. It was my mom's job to care for us. But he was every bit involved in our emotional needs and well-being.
 
he's involved with my son emotionally... but cos he's not often ard. I kicked that man out today le...he said will give me some time and then he will make effort to patch up and make the impossible - possible.
 
i dun think i can ever sleep with him anymore... cos i feel he's so dirty and that it's disgusting that he sneaks out to call that woman while he's in sg.
 
Let the child decide and judge for himself as he grows up. Often, divorced parents (and their grandparent) 'poison' their children to hate the other parent. This is not of the best interest of their upbringing and development.
 
christians divorce too....especially if adultery is involved... no need to cut him off from your son, be gracious about it...just keep the evidence and consult your lawyer for options....
 
Miloc said abt following a set of rules in bible is right.. Have u ever heard abt Joseph prince's sermons on the Lord's Amazing Grace. U dun hv to feel so ashamed abt divorce. Keep calm, ok. (no offence and i m not preaching anything abt my church)
 
Maybe, you are very angry now. I think you should cool down first before taking any actions. Anyway, he is out of your sight for the time being, that should allow you to think things through.
 
pls dun divorce him. since is his first mistake. pls give him 1 more chance.

i understand how you feel. cos my bf did that to me.

but think abt what he have done before you guys are married. that eventually lead to this marriage.

are you sure you wnat to give up everything for a mistake done?

time will heal. just give yoruself some time.
 
I would like to ask whether u would like others to give u a 2nd chance when u made a mistake and truly repentant? How would u feel that after u made a mistake and ppl label u as "XXX" eternally?

Everyone makes mistakes, but we seldom have any empathy for others. We always expect others for forgiveness but we ourselves dun forgive...
 
there is many kind of mistakes. Some are intentional some are unintentional. I believed having a affair, is something a person can control. It take two to clap. Her husband know his marriage vows and take the chance to commit adultery, that should be something he should face the consequences.

If because this is the 1st mistake and forgive him, then what will happen when he commit the 2nd mistake, maybe 10 years down the road. Will he just pack and go, what happen to the poor wife.
 
bf & husband are diff, if bf does this, jus dump him if he does a 2nd time
i believe d vows made before man & God must be honoured, staying married requires 101% committment - thou shall not committ adultery (be it men/ women)
 
Forgiveness and marriage are 2 different things...

All the ideals of vows etc. It takes 2 to tango. Its your life your call. Every decision has its consequence. So what if vows were made, if its not possible to continue in the marriage, why make everyone to suffer over personal faith?

I'm not encouraging divorce. I'm just saying the decision affects only your marriage and family. No one else. Don't screw up your life simply because of some 'rule' or 'principle'. You only live once. Whatever decision made, it should come from within. There is no such thing as deserving 2nd chance. Relationships and marriage is not based on credit. If you decide to give it a 2nd try, its because you WANT to give it another try and TRULY BELIEVE its possible. Its not because somehow he deserves it or not.
 
mabbe i shld clarify myself, i am not saying must forgive the husband, but rather my view is similar to milo. Do be so rash to make a decision to divorce him based on his one move alone but rather think of whether is there a chance to continue the marriage. sometimes we REALLY do things in a folly, and after that we really regret doing wat we did.
Do not give a death sentence after 1 mistake.

CKgal i really disagree with u, if u always think that if there's a first then there will be 2, 3,4 n times then this is too "stringent". Just like the case for ex offenders, if they been to jail once, means all of them will commit crimes again? If bosses think this way, then no1 will rehire them, w/o decent jobs they will turn to crime due to desperation. So who is to blame? the stigma society attached to them? or that past moment of folly that they have truely regretted now?

Nobody is perfect.

So judge them based on whether they deserved it or not (too many times of cos not deserving of forgiveness and reconcillation)
 
I think it anger that first mind for having give so much trust yet he has disregard all these and it so sad that you love him so much yet he does something like this knowing well that it could hurt you , your child and the whole family.

I think it really best to seek counsellings help. Sometimes it helps and your husband need to be there as well. Things are never going to work out if it is one-sided. Unless he stops his straying habits, or unless you are willing to compromise on that (which of course you shouldnt as it is your value)both of your will be unhappy .
 
But if all things fail... you may want to consider *winks at least... he might taste good

Pork ribs & peanut soup (serves 4)

Ingredients :

Pork ribs 500gm
Fresh groundnuts 300gm
Red dates 12 pcs
Garlic 6 pcs
Huiji waist tonic 60-80ml (I think the waist tonic’s Chinese name is huiji bu yao jing. Can get at NTUC fairprice)



Instructions:

1. Clean pork ribs

2. Boil pork ribs with groundnuts in water and pour away water

3. Put fresh water to boil and add in red dates and garlic to simmer for around 1 hour

4. Add 60-80 ml of Waist tonic

5. Serve immediately while hot, Gd for breastfeeding mums to drink as much hot soup as possible to help lactation
 
I always believe that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. You can forgive a spouse who has cheated but you may choose not to continue in the marriage with him/her. There is no such thing as because this is the first mistake of its kind committed and therefore he/she ought to be forgiven and marriage should continue like nothing has happened before. Adultery, gambling, spousal abuse, substance abuse, etc, are mistakes that come with serious consequences that can break a marriage. These are no small mistakes that one can forgive, forget and continue in the marriage as if nothing has happened.
 
There have been good advices given.

Forgiveness is for yourself. And if you can't even forgive him, then forget about reconciliation.

Reconciliation is another matter though (apart from forgiveness) - it has to be that both of you want and willing to work for the marriage.

But take note that you can't and shouldn't deprive your child from being seen by the daddy unless he is physically abusive to the child.

And no, you can't change the child's surname without the natural father's consent.
 
thanks all!
u guys are really helpful and pointed out to me diff views.
It's been a long weekend and we've trashed it out.
he's truly repentant... this i kno for sure.
But the prob is, since even b4 we're married... he's O/S. Now, 6 years later.. he still is (2wks here and 2 wks there). So.. i feel that... the real prob is that our love never had the chance to grow.. even during courtship.. cos even while he's back.. he's got many things to attend to. That's y, to me now.. the issue is, even if i forgive and forget.. will it be possible to work things out?

he keeps telling me that he has love for me. But the sparks are lost..and it more of a bond. and that when he is there for 2 wks, he is lonely but from now on, he will refrain himself so that i am able to trust him again... but this is not what i want. I dun kno if i am right abt this.

I mean.. if we continue to stay apart... what's the point right? it'll just be like b4.
 
and what's more, i have a well-paid job and with his affair... i dun think i'd want to lose my own financial security to join him there... he can request to be permanently posted there... but what abt my son's education? to me... it's just not workable.

thou i think i still have love for him... over the weekend... we meet and go out... to me... he's like a blank piece of paper and nothing more..like a stranger.
 
mamamia
yup but i hardly go ncc for almsot few months due to my kid..hard to find care-giving for my kid or otherwise i attend worship n praise service there,
 
i kno... i will try my best as a christian wife.. i will cool my temper and humble myself.
so... end of it... if he's not touched by God... then i think he's not the hb God has in mind for me.. i think like that... i dun kno if i am right...
 
try not to bring religion into marriage counselling. It has nothing to do with God here.

Going to church or counselling might pressure him further to stay in the family for the wrong reasons.

to maybe maybe,

you choose your partner on your own. You lead your own life on your own. I dont remember christianity chooses the ready and perfect partner for you.

Perhaps to me, no such thing as 'christian' wife or 'buddhist' wife or even "muslim' wife. Why such alienation in the first place?
 
maybe maybe, there are non christian men who are FANTASTIC husbands. well, you can pray for him to come back to church but you cannot force him. he must be willing to do it himself.
 


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