Husband has affair overseas
- Thread starter maybe_maybe
- Start date
maybe_maybe
New Member
i am trying... to be patient, to be kind to him.
Heated confrontations are not doing any good since he is truly repentant...
Heated confrontations are not doing any good since he is truly repentant...
i would seriously advise against the 'leave to God' mentality...
i see many pple leave things to God... and then get disappointed when their preferred expectations are not met. to many, he has given Arms to build, Legs to walk distances, Minds to think, Voice to speak, Ears to listen... yet pple dun use them, and Still leave it to Him. why would he give u all these Gifts if not for u to use them?
if i were God, i'd take away your body and mind and give it to a kid suffering from polio. at least he'd treat life as a gift and seize life with the very gifts he had been given.
pple who often leave things to God are often too afraid to be responsible for their own decisions, and constantly looking for others to blame. Pride isn't a very christian thing to have...
it's like when pple evangelise to me, my 1st question is - u telling me abt God becos u sincerely want me to know Him? or isit becos u wanna go to heaven? it's the Thought tat determines one's Goodness, not just action. actions hide the truest innermost intentions... leaving decisions to God sounds God-fearing and Christian to some... but remember God isn't someone who is blind. He can see all the way in u.
i see many pple leave things to God... and then get disappointed when their preferred expectations are not met. to many, he has given Arms to build, Legs to walk distances, Minds to think, Voice to speak, Ears to listen... yet pple dun use them, and Still leave it to Him. why would he give u all these Gifts if not for u to use them?
if i were God, i'd take away your body and mind and give it to a kid suffering from polio. at least he'd treat life as a gift and seize life with the very gifts he had been given.
pple who often leave things to God are often too afraid to be responsible for their own decisions, and constantly looking for others to blame. Pride isn't a very christian thing to have...
it's like when pple evangelise to me, my 1st question is - u telling me abt God becos u sincerely want me to know Him? or isit becos u wanna go to heaven? it's the Thought tat determines one's Goodness, not just action. actions hide the truest innermost intentions... leaving decisions to God sounds God-fearing and Christian to some... but remember God isn't someone who is blind. He can see all the way in u.
Hi Maybe, can see from your post that both of you have decided to give the marriage another chance. Hope he will never repeat his mistake and both of you will treasure the marriage more after this incident. Sometimes things happen will give us a wake up calls that we may have take things for granted after awhile. Wish you two will find happiness from now on and never look back.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Maybe, are you trying to blackmail your husband into submitting to you??
If God had blackmail us into believing in Him, I am sure resentment and contempt will take root in our hearts in no time.
If God had blackmail us into believing in Him, I am sure resentment and contempt will take root in our hearts in no time.
maybe_maybe
New Member
no, i am not trying to blackmail him or has any intention. It's my belief as a Christian to lead my family to church. I will not force or co-erce. It does not mean that I will do nuthing as a wife... i'll put in my utmost effort.. but i do really Trust in The Lord.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
To tell him he has to choose Christianity in order to save marriage is blackmail. You would be taking his salvation in your own hands in this manner and paying lip service to trusting God only.
Do not lead family into christianity. I second with powder. If your family members have the faith in God they will come. Do not need you to lead , I felt its more of co-erecing.
Christainity and marriage is two different matters. DO NOT mixed them up. Dont bring religion into marital issues.
Christainity and marriage is two different matters. DO NOT mixed them up. Dont bring religion into marital issues.
pasir_ris_beach
Member
no, i am not trying to blackmail him or has any intention. It's my belief as a Christian to lead my family to church. I will not force or co-erce. It does not mean that I will do nuthing as a wife... i'll put in my utmost effort.. but i do really Trust in The Lord.
blur; I never heard such things like that.. Normally a believer will have a choice to believe in Him or not. it does not mean we christians MUST lead our family to Christianity. We can share the gosepl only but it is ONLY UP TO others to believe or not truly from the bottom of their heart.
blur; I never heard such things like that.. Normally a believer will have a choice to believe in Him or not. it does not mean we christians MUST lead our family to Christianity. We can share the gosepl only but it is ONLY UP TO others to believe or not truly from the bottom of their heart.
clipperjunk
New Member
on hindsight if you were a christian before marriage, you ought to have married one who shares similar faith and values...before anyone jumps on me, i'm not saying only christians have values, i'm not what and i know left from right, likewise christians also break their own vows frequent enough...
maybe_maybe
New Member
i;m just asking him to attend service with me.
not telling him that he must convert.
not telling him that he must convert.
maybe_maybe
New Member
doll, i'm NOT asking him to choose... i'm only asking that he attends service with me.
maybe,
I just find that you are unconsciously finding excuses.
So what if he attends service with you.. it means he is the right HB for you that god has chosen?
Wake-up please. It doesn't prove anything. Yes, you may feel better that he is attending service with you but in reality, if he is not doing it from within himself, sooner or later, it will be back to square one.
Your situation is already bad enough. don't cloud the issue by bringing in religion. I know, you want to be a good christian but in the first place why you chose him when you are one and he is not?
Or he only changed after marriage?
I just find that you are unconsciously finding excuses.
So what if he attends service with you.. it means he is the right HB for you that god has chosen?
Wake-up please. It doesn't prove anything. Yes, you may feel better that he is attending service with you but in reality, if he is not doing it from within himself, sooner or later, it will be back to square one.
Your situation is already bad enough. don't cloud the issue by bringing in religion. I know, you want to be a good christian but in the first place why you chose him when you are one and he is not?
Or he only changed after marriage?
maybe_maybe
New Member
no, it doesnt mean that he attends service and becomes a christian, he is the right man for me. I have already accepted him as he is and he is repentant for what he has done. All i ask is that he attends service with me... whether he converts or not, is up to him. Free will.
why the need to force him to attends service..does tat makes the marriage better?
eh..i still dun see the link leh
i mean i trying hard to understand. That you hope to do something together but perhaps need not to indulge in religion..why not try other hobbies. Go dating again and rekindle the sparks. Dont try to bring him in church if he doesnt want to. If he wants, i guess long ago he already did so..so why wait till now.
eh..i still dun see the link leh
i mean i trying hard to understand. That you hope to do something together but perhaps need not to indulge in religion..why not try other hobbies. Go dating again and rekindle the sparks. Dont try to bring him in church if he doesnt want to. If he wants, i guess long ago he already did so..so why wait till now.
gracelourdes
New Member
in the first place when u knew him, he's alrd not a Christian...how then can u expect tat of him when u r married now? dun u noe tat u can never change someone unless the person wants to change of his/her own free will?
alrd u asking him to attend service is not giving him a choice of free will...u r not giving him any choice...tat's an ultimatum itself if u realise it...
alrd u asking him to attend service is not giving him a choice of free will...u r not giving him any choice...tat's an ultimatum itself if u realise it...
maybe_maybe
New Member
well, i have never initiated for him to attend church with me b4. There's always a starting pt. I think many of u here has not attended a service- pardon me if i am wrong.... cos it's not like u have to immediately convert to a Christian on the spot! hahaha... my mum's a devote buddhist. But she enjoys going to the church as initiated by my Uncle.. there's always a starting pt .. I gave him a choice.. i gave him 1 mth to think... not asking him to gimme an answer on the spot.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Maybe, don't shout at me when in your post of 29 Oct, 11.29am, you wrote "i gave him an ultimatum... either go church and counselling with me or D... i gave him 1 mth to consider. Am i too harsh". When I said this is blackmail, you quickly changed your stance and corrected me. C'mon, you are so fickle-minded and don't think I can't take you seriously.
powderful07
New Member
Er, maybe...can I bring up something ironic that I find in your post?
""". All i ask is that he attends service with me... whether he converts or not, is up to him. Free will."""
Free will???
When have you even give him the choice if he wants to attend service?
And also...if he choose not to attend after a few sessions...will you give him that "free will" to opt out?
Think the others have voiced it out and I'll say it again...
Don't bring religion in to further complicates the current situation...
""". All i ask is that he attends service with me... whether he converts or not, is up to him. Free will."""
Free will???
When have you even give him the choice if he wants to attend service?
And also...if he choose not to attend after a few sessions...will you give him that "free will" to opt out?
Think the others have voiced it out and I'll say it again...
Don't bring religion in to further complicates the current situation...
miloice
Well-Known Member
maybe_maybe,
"I think many of u here has not attended a service- pardon me if i am wrong"
u r clearly wrong. I'm very sure many of us have been dragged by family, relatives, friends and colleagues to church sometime or another. Especially during rallies and Xmas. I know and experience the pressure a church member has to meet numbers and quota.
I have attended service for many yrs of my life for the past 20 over yrs. I attended Methodist schools for 13 yrs. I was baptized, attended church regularly. I have been to traditional, chinese speaking services and charimistic faith healing and slaining services. Or the so-called batism of the holy fire. The only thing is a holy push by the speaker and everyone assumed I was slain by the holy fire.
My dad's family is 80% Christians that eat and breathe the faith. Music that listen... only Praise songs and humms. Make everyone give grace every family dinner. And linking every damn thing to praising God or blaming the devil.
I'm not a Christian by choice. And one of the things I'm pissed by are so-called Christians that impose ideas on me. They are not interested to know how tough or difficult it has been for me. They only want to know what they want to hear. They want testimonies to clap and praise the lord.
If you study the history of Christianity and how the Bible comes about, to me, its more a political decision on what chapters to be chosen. Its a human decision nicely packaged as 'inspired by the holy spirit'. I'm not inspired to breathe that as my personal truth.
Most importantly, Christianity is about a friendship with God. I have not experienced the calling or reached him despite searching for years. Its simply time I live the life I want. My choice.
Before anyone tries to evangelize to me again. Thanks but no thanks loh. I respect your faith and please respect my decision to not be a Christian. Similarly, you can encourage him to join you but PLEASE don't make him attend churches with the ignorant mentality that non believers just lacked the exposure.
"I think many of u here has not attended a service- pardon me if i am wrong"
u r clearly wrong. I'm very sure many of us have been dragged by family, relatives, friends and colleagues to church sometime or another. Especially during rallies and Xmas. I know and experience the pressure a church member has to meet numbers and quota.
I have attended service for many yrs of my life for the past 20 over yrs. I attended Methodist schools for 13 yrs. I was baptized, attended church regularly. I have been to traditional, chinese speaking services and charimistic faith healing and slaining services. Or the so-called batism of the holy fire. The only thing is a holy push by the speaker and everyone assumed I was slain by the holy fire.
My dad's family is 80% Christians that eat and breathe the faith. Music that listen... only Praise songs and humms. Make everyone give grace every family dinner. And linking every damn thing to praising God or blaming the devil.
I'm not a Christian by choice. And one of the things I'm pissed by are so-called Christians that impose ideas on me. They are not interested to know how tough or difficult it has been for me. They only want to know what they want to hear. They want testimonies to clap and praise the lord.
If you study the history of Christianity and how the Bible comes about, to me, its more a political decision on what chapters to be chosen. Its a human decision nicely packaged as 'inspired by the holy spirit'. I'm not inspired to breathe that as my personal truth.
Most importantly, Christianity is about a friendship with God. I have not experienced the calling or reached him despite searching for years. Its simply time I live the life I want. My choice.
Before anyone tries to evangelize to me again. Thanks but no thanks loh. I respect your faith and please respect my decision to not be a Christian. Similarly, you can encourage him to join you but PLEASE don't make him attend churches with the ignorant mentality that non believers just lacked the exposure.
hi
i dun geddit. why are you all arguing abt religion iso the relationship now? it's up to Maybe - what she wants to do. Whether or not asking her hubby to attend service will be effective in saving her marriage, remains to be seen. So give it a chance and see if it works, if it doesn't then can choose or seek another way out.
I am not a christian but i am from another religion and altho i know forcing a religious opinion is not ideal in any way, it is ok to bring the person to the circle to explore his/her beliefs. Some are not in the religion bcos they truly do not believe, some are not in the religion because they were never exposed to it.
My personal opinion, and in no way am i trying to make it YOUR opinion, is that God is there. And if God opens the heart of the person you wish for Him to communicate with, then there will be progress. If the heart remains closed, then nothing can be done. But give it a chance, because if He opened hearts, it can be a truly beautiful thing.
i dun geddit. why are you all arguing abt religion iso the relationship now? it's up to Maybe - what she wants to do. Whether or not asking her hubby to attend service will be effective in saving her marriage, remains to be seen. So give it a chance and see if it works, if it doesn't then can choose or seek another way out.
I am not a christian but i am from another religion and altho i know forcing a religious opinion is not ideal in any way, it is ok to bring the person to the circle to explore his/her beliefs. Some are not in the religion bcos they truly do not believe, some are not in the religion because they were never exposed to it.
My personal opinion, and in no way am i trying to make it YOUR opinion, is that God is there. And if God opens the heart of the person you wish for Him to communicate with, then there will be progress. If the heart remains closed, then nothing can be done. But give it a chance, because if He opened hearts, it can be a truly beautiful thing.
by the way, i just realised that becos of the flow of the thread, i also tok abt religion.
Maybe, i think earlier part of the thread already hv a lot of gd advice. but only u can decide what to do. even a counsellor can only guide you to find the answer of what YOU want to do. they cant decide for you. i know of strong women who crumble in the face of a crumbling marriage and remains in an unhapp marriage for yrs - but i cannot condemn them because it is their choice.
there are many philandering husbands and many wives (high profile too - i think they came out in a recent article in Life!) who stuck by their husband thru it - mainly because the respect and repentance is there.
but one word of caution - if you gv it a shot, you cannot remain suspicious. because if you do, everything he does looks wrong to you (go out late oso cannot) until the marriage becomes worse and unbearable to both of you. what is the point of a marriage that is only abt fights? its darn difficult but you have to learn to trust again. he has to do his part to build that trust but he cant do it if he's under constant surveillance.
i hope you find your answer soon. Wish you the best.
Maybe, i think earlier part of the thread already hv a lot of gd advice. but only u can decide what to do. even a counsellor can only guide you to find the answer of what YOU want to do. they cant decide for you. i know of strong women who crumble in the face of a crumbling marriage and remains in an unhapp marriage for yrs - but i cannot condemn them because it is their choice.
there are many philandering husbands and many wives (high profile too - i think they came out in a recent article in Life!) who stuck by their husband thru it - mainly because the respect and repentance is there.
but one word of caution - if you gv it a shot, you cannot remain suspicious. because if you do, everything he does looks wrong to you (go out late oso cannot) until the marriage becomes worse and unbearable to both of you. what is the point of a marriage that is only abt fights? its darn difficult but you have to learn to trust again. he has to do his part to build that trust but he cant do it if he's under constant surveillance.
i hope you find your answer soon. Wish you the best.
miloice
Well-Known Member
huh? Why do you not get? Its not arguing about religion but advising against mixing the marriage issue with religion. So confusing meh?
And for my last posting... its quote clearly leh.
QUOTE : "I think many of u here has not attended a service- pardon me if i am wrong"
I'm highlighting that this is a wrong assumption.
And for my last posting... its quote clearly leh.
QUOTE : "I think many of u here has not attended a service- pardon me if i am wrong"
I'm highlighting that this is a wrong assumption.
miloice
Well-Known Member
babe,
in case u didn't read them...
"i gave him an ultimatum... either go church and counselling with me or D... i gave him 1 mth to consider. Am i too harsh?"
"so... end of it... if he's not touched by God... then i think he's not the hb God has in mind for me.. i think like that... i dun kno if i am right..."
Does he REALLY have a choice there? He is being force to accept a faith in order to keep his marriage with a woman that have accept to marry him clearly knowing he isn't a Christian in the 1st place.
If he doesn't accept Christ, then he is not the husband for her. This point contradicts why she even married him.
The only choice is actually
1) to be forced into Christianity OR
2) divorce
Although she claimed it isn't so... she only request him to accompany her to church,
This statement "so... end of it... if he's not touched by God... then i think he's not the hb God has in mind for me.." is clearly a threat.
in case u didn't read them...
"i gave him an ultimatum... either go church and counselling with me or D... i gave him 1 mth to consider. Am i too harsh?"
"so... end of it... if he's not touched by God... then i think he's not the hb God has in mind for me.. i think like that... i dun kno if i am right..."
Does he REALLY have a choice there? He is being force to accept a faith in order to keep his marriage with a woman that have accept to marry him clearly knowing he isn't a Christian in the 1st place.
If he doesn't accept Christ, then he is not the husband for her. This point contradicts why she even married him.
The only choice is actually
1) to be forced into Christianity OR
2) divorce
Although she claimed it isn't so... she only request him to accompany her to church,
This statement "so... end of it... if he's not touched by God... then i think he's not the hb God has in mind for me.." is clearly a threat.
yeah tats the point manz...way to go milo.
but i rest my case...and i am sure she is one hardcore christians who doesnt quite understand the works of God.
hi maybe maybe,
for your info...i studied in a christian school for 16 yrs of my life, attends church now too. Still I hated their way of 'pulling' ppl into churches. It should be a free will thing. Dislike the way they discriminate..be a christian then u are the good guy will go heaven, if not..you are bad and u will not enter salvation.
Lastly,
before i rest my case. Just leave your hubby alone. See the improvement in other actions such as being a good husband and good father at home. Come back on time do his duties and being loving and sharing your attention to both u and your kids, thats way good enuf.
but i rest my case...and i am sure she is one hardcore christians who doesnt quite understand the works of God.
hi maybe maybe,
for your info...i studied in a christian school for 16 yrs of my life, attends church now too. Still I hated their way of 'pulling' ppl into churches. It should be a free will thing. Dislike the way they discriminate..be a christian then u are the good guy will go heaven, if not..you are bad and u will not enter salvation.
Lastly,
before i rest my case. Just leave your hubby alone. See the improvement in other actions such as being a good husband and good father at home. Come back on time do his duties and being loving and sharing your attention to both u and your kids, thats way good enuf.
miloice
Well-Known Member
to add... testimonies of christians I have came across are touched by God are hardly about the "pulling" of people in.
They are touched not by 'being in the presence of God' in church but how God makes a differences in the lives of people. This is what touches them. So, if you want him to be touched, work rather on how he can feel and see the works of God through your life. NOT physically placing him in somewhere you expect the 'exposure' will somehow touch him. Keep talking about God isn't exactly how one will be touched either.
Its not some magic u know.
Sadly, many live testimonies are actually working against the faith. Saddest part is, they actually didn't realize it. All the passion and excitment of good intention is working against the mission because of their own ignorance and naiveness about simple respect for others.
They are touched not by 'being in the presence of God' in church but how God makes a differences in the lives of people. This is what touches them. So, if you want him to be touched, work rather on how he can feel and see the works of God through your life. NOT physically placing him in somewhere you expect the 'exposure' will somehow touch him. Keep talking about God isn't exactly how one will be touched either.
Its not some magic u know.
Sadly, many live testimonies are actually working against the faith. Saddest part is, they actually didn't realize it. All the passion and excitment of good intention is working against the mission because of their own ignorance and naiveness about simple respect for others.
maybe_maybe
New Member
i apologise that perhaps i caused some confusions here. I was asking for advice if i was too harsh abt my Ultimatum..thus, i have not made a concrete decision on it. I have also said earlier that I will show thru my daily actions as a dutiful wife to make the marriage work. not simply pulling him to the church and cross my fingers for the best. I am sad to say that I have not been a staunch christian nor going to church regularly myself. i do not preach or rather... has never preached to my HB abt Christianity before.. I had some very bad attitudes that were not very Christ-like previously... all I am hoping now.. is for myself to go back to God and to 'expose' my hb to God. I have no quotas to meet nor want to "pull" anyone.
My qn on "whether" he is the hb God has in mind for me is whether he will simply accompany me to service and not whether he will definitely convert. If finally he does not.. and stops attending service.. at least he has tried and I will continue to work on the marriage as a dutiful wife is he remains a devoted hb and father.
I understand that religion is a sensitive issue and that many of us here is "put off" by 'over-enthus christians... but everyone of us.. thru our lifetimes.. will be amazed and at awe with something/someone.. perhaps some christians are simply displaying how they really feel and wish to spread the love of God.
My qn on "whether" he is the hb God has in mind for me is whether he will simply accompany me to service and not whether he will definitely convert. If finally he does not.. and stops attending service.. at least he has tried and I will continue to work on the marriage as a dutiful wife is he remains a devoted hb and father.
I understand that religion is a sensitive issue and that many of us here is "put off" by 'over-enthus christians... but everyone of us.. thru our lifetimes.. will be amazed and at awe with something/someone.. perhaps some christians are simply displaying how they really feel and wish to spread the love of God.
dutiful wife.. responsible wife...etc.
maybe, where is the "love", "compassion" ...etc in ur relationship? in a marriage, just toking abt being a dutiful wife, a responsible hubby, is quite meaningless if there is nothing left in the heart. working on ur roles and responsibilities is good, but to ignore the heart matters of the marriage will just make the marriage a sham.
maybe, where is the "love", "compassion" ...etc in ur relationship? in a marriage, just toking abt being a dutiful wife, a responsible hubby, is quite meaningless if there is nothing left in the heart. working on ur roles and responsibilities is good, but to ignore the heart matters of the marriage will just make the marriage a sham.
hi all
i myself are not very keen on christian hardliners. have had a few talked to me without the chance of feedback (those who keep on insisting on their points no matter how you counter it, with the same points - not realli answering the questions).
but the decision on giving the ultimatum is Maybe's to make. in her position, i may do the same thing. but that's cos of the role of religion in my life. different pple view these things differently. its up to Maybe what her view is. You have to decide on your next steps with your own conviction. Don't do things just cos pple say this is good, and this is bad. Then afterwards, some then say - see lah follow what she say - then turn out like this. You have to believe in your principles and own values.
for me, i wud avoid marry someone not in my religion in the first place - simply because our values and goals may then not be the same. there will be conflicts, perhaps small but could be on fundamental issues that i do not wish to handle. Marriage is never without issues so to do away with some fundamentals based on common faith, may help some. Me and hubby always use principles of our faith to guide us when we can. Still have fights but at least we have a common reference.
but since you are already married, then i think it is best to decide how impt is it for you - for your hubby to be christian. it may be very very impt for you, or it may be impt but not a 'dealbreaker'. from your last post, it seems to be the latter.
i myself are not very keen on christian hardliners. have had a few talked to me without the chance of feedback (those who keep on insisting on their points no matter how you counter it, with the same points - not realli answering the questions).
but the decision on giving the ultimatum is Maybe's to make. in her position, i may do the same thing. but that's cos of the role of religion in my life. different pple view these things differently. its up to Maybe what her view is. You have to decide on your next steps with your own conviction. Don't do things just cos pple say this is good, and this is bad. Then afterwards, some then say - see lah follow what she say - then turn out like this. You have to believe in your principles and own values.
for me, i wud avoid marry someone not in my religion in the first place - simply because our values and goals may then not be the same. there will be conflicts, perhaps small but could be on fundamental issues that i do not wish to handle. Marriage is never without issues so to do away with some fundamentals based on common faith, may help some. Me and hubby always use principles of our faith to guide us when we can. Still have fights but at least we have a common reference.
but since you are already married, then i think it is best to decide how impt is it for you - for your hubby to be christian. it may be very very impt for you, or it may be impt but not a 'dealbreaker'. from your last post, it seems to be the latter.
maybe_maybe
New Member
ariesta,
to me, dutiful abounds love and compassion as well... apologies if i am not as clear.
to me, dutiful abounds love and compassion as well... apologies if i am not as clear.
miloice
Well-Known Member
hi maybe maybe,
indeed, it is confusing.
u wrote :
"i gave him an ultimatum... either go church and counselling with me or D... i gave him 1 mth to consider. Am i too harsh?"
Note, 'I gave him an ultimatum'. This means the threat have already been issued. Does he know you haven't decided? Cos, it sounds like a very real threat and that you have already decided on this and he has 1 month to respond to it.
If you have indeed communicated this to him, maybe you better to clarify this with him.
indeed, it is confusing.
u wrote :
"i gave him an ultimatum... either go church and counselling with me or D... i gave him 1 mth to consider. Am i too harsh?"
Note, 'I gave him an ultimatum'. This means the threat have already been issued. Does he know you haven't decided? Cos, it sounds like a very real threat and that you have already decided on this and he has 1 month to respond to it.
If you have indeed communicated this to him, maybe you better to clarify this with him.
maybe_maybe
New Member
yes i kno it's confusing and i apologise for the confusion.
i did not tell him it's an ultimatum. I simply said that i'd consider patching back if he agrees to attend service with me and go counselling... cos i cant seem to get over the anger myself and he tells me he really wants to make good this marriage, but no idea how.
It seems that both of us are lost but we do want to make good cos we have some very good times and also cos of my son. That's why i suggested outside guidance.
We have been discussing and sometimes arguing abt this matter for a almost a mth since the discovery of the affair and it seems that we are marching on the same spot. We both really want to move on but dun kno how. He does not kno how to approach me and I dun kno how to accept him back..
What's more... now he has some trouble with his career and might have to look for alternative means/ start on his own. My hb is someone who is full of pride... it affects him greatly that i am in the same position as he in in career. So he constantly puts pressure on himself to excel. So over the years, our marriage becomes sort of a competition rather than a loving r/s. But i wish to emphasize that I never wished to compete with him.
i did not tell him it's an ultimatum. I simply said that i'd consider patching back if he agrees to attend service with me and go counselling... cos i cant seem to get over the anger myself and he tells me he really wants to make good this marriage, but no idea how.
It seems that both of us are lost but we do want to make good cos we have some very good times and also cos of my son. That's why i suggested outside guidance.
We have been discussing and sometimes arguing abt this matter for a almost a mth since the discovery of the affair and it seems that we are marching on the same spot. We both really want to move on but dun kno how. He does not kno how to approach me and I dun kno how to accept him back..
What's more... now he has some trouble with his career and might have to look for alternative means/ start on his own. My hb is someone who is full of pride... it affects him greatly that i am in the same position as he in in career. So he constantly puts pressure on himself to excel. So over the years, our marriage becomes sort of a competition rather than a loving r/s. But i wish to emphasize that I never wished to compete with him.
when it comes to a point where love/being together becomes Conditional rather than Committed, it's rather important to explore what would take away these conditional factors...
i do wanna point out that some of the conditions are threading on emotional blackmail, whether coming from u or him. i'm not here to judge who is more right or more wrong... i just wanna point it out to u as a 3rd party observer... this is one thing u'll have to check on yourself and see if what i say holds truth. if it doesn't then pls disregard.
on the approach and mindset, u come across as a person who's rather strong-willed and probably wears the pants in the house. doesn't matter if he is prideful, cos u dun lack pride either, and i'd say u have more bragging rights than him at the moment... why i say that is becos u have made a strong point on your job and financials being strong.
dun take wat i say negatively, cos i'm pretty strong-willed myself. i just wanna point out tat a balance of both strong and soft might steer the marriage to a preferred direction Much easier than just forcing the rudders. i would think marriage is like a sailboat, abit more complicated than a motorboat. u'll need to know the lines to pull, those to tie, how u'd place the sail and most importantly - u must be able to feel the winds. i like the fact tat Wind, like Nature, plays a part... just as our Hearts/Mind, which are Human, plays a part...
the uncertainties in Life takes away the monotony.. it makes us appreciate Life tat little bit better, and prevents us from taking things for granted. a Spouse is no barbie-doll which we decide on the clothes, hairstyle and lifestyle... they think and function based on the environment they were brought up in.
if u believe in God, u'd also believe that He made every single one of us unique and gave us free-will... your hubby included whether he is converted or not. dun be the typical Christian who simply believes a 2-dimensional aspect of God, when there are Infinite possibilities and configurations to the His Creations. Never use religion to your advantage, and never use religion to your weakness... some pple might believe that In doing so, they are being Christian... nothing is further from the truth and u're just throwing the whole responsibility of living to religion.
Lastly, if u suggest outside guidance, i want u to know that u have to be Open in both heart and mind... i have a feeling u're gonna fall flat on your face becos u dun seem to be aware of your own weaknesses, which will come open during the 'outside guidance'... Look no further than this thread to know what i mean... i do not see an Open heart nor Mind, i see a Mind fooled into thinking it's Open...
all the best.
i do wanna point out that some of the conditions are threading on emotional blackmail, whether coming from u or him. i'm not here to judge who is more right or more wrong... i just wanna point it out to u as a 3rd party observer... this is one thing u'll have to check on yourself and see if what i say holds truth. if it doesn't then pls disregard.
on the approach and mindset, u come across as a person who's rather strong-willed and probably wears the pants in the house. doesn't matter if he is prideful, cos u dun lack pride either, and i'd say u have more bragging rights than him at the moment... why i say that is becos u have made a strong point on your job and financials being strong.
dun take wat i say negatively, cos i'm pretty strong-willed myself. i just wanna point out tat a balance of both strong and soft might steer the marriage to a preferred direction Much easier than just forcing the rudders. i would think marriage is like a sailboat, abit more complicated than a motorboat. u'll need to know the lines to pull, those to tie, how u'd place the sail and most importantly - u must be able to feel the winds. i like the fact tat Wind, like Nature, plays a part... just as our Hearts/Mind, which are Human, plays a part...
the uncertainties in Life takes away the monotony.. it makes us appreciate Life tat little bit better, and prevents us from taking things for granted. a Spouse is no barbie-doll which we decide on the clothes, hairstyle and lifestyle... they think and function based on the environment they were brought up in.
if u believe in God, u'd also believe that He made every single one of us unique and gave us free-will... your hubby included whether he is converted or not. dun be the typical Christian who simply believes a 2-dimensional aspect of God, when there are Infinite possibilities and configurations to the His Creations. Never use religion to your advantage, and never use religion to your weakness... some pple might believe that In doing so, they are being Christian... nothing is further from the truth and u're just throwing the whole responsibility of living to religion.
Lastly, if u suggest outside guidance, i want u to know that u have to be Open in both heart and mind... i have a feeling u're gonna fall flat on your face becos u dun seem to be aware of your own weaknesses, which will come open during the 'outside guidance'... Look no further than this thread to know what i mean... i do not see an Open heart nor Mind, i see a Mind fooled into thinking it's Open...
all the best.
maybe_maybe
New Member
powder, i dun wear the pants at home when he's ard. I guess the prob is that I married him when i was a fresh grad and coming out to the work force. Over the years, thru my work exp and circumstances, I have evolved to be a rather strong-willed person (this i agree). I realised that sometimes, it really helps that I act ignorant of certain situations at home so that he can enjoy handling and solving the probs. I really tried my best to be a caring and loving wife..I dun kno abt other familiesl but my hb can travel out to biz trips with great assurance that the household and my child is in good care. All this peace of mind dun come easy...my character and independance is trained and honed thru the years. That is why, with all that i have done... it's very hard for me to accept that I am here.. taking care of the house while he plays Cassanova outside.
Though i am willing to forgive him, i really need time and guidance to take away my anger and to love him as much again.
Though i am willing to forgive him, i really need time and guidance to take away my anger and to love him as much again.
miloice
Well-Known Member
hi maybe,
with both having agreeing on the commitment to move on with marriage, that's a very good start.
Insecurity will increase and trust will be lacking. Take this as a good point to rebuild the trust together. Work on the communication channel and comfort level again. Its tough but its possible as long as both of u remain positive in it. Always AVOID digging this out in any of your future arguements. This is the ONE thing that could potentially screw relationships up. i.e. digging old worms. No one live perfect lives, we don't need perfect partners and we cannot erase our history. As u have decided to move on, stick with this conviction.
with both having agreeing on the commitment to move on with marriage, that's a very good start.
Insecurity will increase and trust will be lacking. Take this as a good point to rebuild the trust together. Work on the communication channel and comfort level again. Its tough but its possible as long as both of u remain positive in it. Always AVOID digging this out in any of your future arguements. This is the ONE thing that could potentially screw relationships up. i.e. digging old worms. No one live perfect lives, we don't need perfect partners and we cannot erase our history. As u have decided to move on, stick with this conviction.
maybe_maybe
New Member
milo...
this is precisely the prob i am facing now.
i cant come to terms with his infidelity. And my situation is a bit diff from the rest.. as in my hb travels very often... 1/2 the mth he's not ard. And when he's overseas, he seldom call home.. so basically there's nuthing (trust) for me to grasp on... i feel insecure as we both agreed that he is having some personal issues.. he claims he is lonely and that the woman came into his life cos he is lonely, but, whenever i call him, he seems bz and not very willing to converse.. i feel at a loss as what to do with him. I am contemplating..will there be another time where he will fail me? Cos I cant help it that he's lonely there! I am willing to give up my career to be with him there... but he rejected my offer. What to do?
this is precisely the prob i am facing now.
i cant come to terms with his infidelity. And my situation is a bit diff from the rest.. as in my hb travels very often... 1/2 the mth he's not ard. And when he's overseas, he seldom call home.. so basically there's nuthing (trust) for me to grasp on... i feel insecure as we both agreed that he is having some personal issues.. he claims he is lonely and that the woman came into his life cos he is lonely, but, whenever i call him, he seems bz and not very willing to converse.. i feel at a loss as what to do with him. I am contemplating..will there be another time where he will fail me? Cos I cant help it that he's lonely there! I am willing to give up my career to be with him there... but he rejected my offer. What to do?
miloice
Well-Known Member
maybe... this loneliness overseas is completely understandable. He isn't alone loh. Its totally human.
As long as you guys don't work it out, the issues will repeat itself. Realistically, its really difficult for you to guess the right time to call. He has to be the one to make the initiative to call home more. Sometimes (but not all the time!), u can join him for some of his biz trips.
Personally, I fly about 6-10 times a year or around 20% time overseas. Each year, we spend sometime together in holiday. Its nice to mix biz with leisure but can be tiring though. Sometimes, I fly over to find her during the weekend for her biz trips but mostly, she is the one flying over.
Work on something together to kill the loneliness else temptation and opportunity will always be there one.
As long as you guys don't work it out, the issues will repeat itself. Realistically, its really difficult for you to guess the right time to call. He has to be the one to make the initiative to call home more. Sometimes (but not all the time!), u can join him for some of his biz trips.
Personally, I fly about 6-10 times a year or around 20% time overseas. Each year, we spend sometime together in holiday. Its nice to mix biz with leisure but can be tiring though. Sometimes, I fly over to find her during the weekend for her biz trips but mostly, she is the one flying over.
Work on something together to kill the loneliness else temptation and opportunity will always be there one.
maybe_maybe
New Member
yes... i tried to suggest. but it's hard due to my work committment and also cos i have a young toddler i have to tend to. i really tried.. but so far, he has not made any effort... he simply says that he loves us...
I'm not the sort of person who likes to compel anyone to do things... i dun like to pester him to call or come back earlier to celebrate anniversaries, birthdays etc etc... I feel that he should be making the effort on his own.
My mom is now looking after my son while i am at work.. i take over fully during the weekends so that my mom can rest... so i have a handful of resp to fulfil myself..
Now that he says he is lonely etc etc and had been lying to us a lot.. so i merely thought that with counselling and a belief, he can go thru his overseas days better.
I'm not the sort of person who likes to compel anyone to do things... i dun like to pester him to call or come back earlier to celebrate anniversaries, birthdays etc etc... I feel that he should be making the effort on his own.
My mom is now looking after my son while i am at work.. i take over fully during the weekends so that my mom can rest... so i have a handful of resp to fulfil myself..
Now that he says he is lonely etc etc and had been lying to us a lot.. so i merely thought that with counselling and a belief, he can go thru his overseas days better.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Maybe, you said he is truly repentent, but from what you have written today, am I right to say that he is not ready to make amends and compromise, yet?
let me be upfront with u on Your problem, irrespective of your hubby. no-frills, just upfront.
u do not have the courage to make a decision and take-on the consequences of Your decision. whether to stay or leave, whether to end it here or stay and forget the past. u DO NOT have the courage to make any decision whatsoever...
u will sit around the fence, run thru the bad things he has done, run thru wat u think, run thru wat u think of doing, run thru this and that and throw it to religion. but u Just will not come to a decision yet...
now that's FINE. really it is... but recognise that u're at the stage where u're avoiding the decision-making... and not smoke yourself into thinking that u're actually gonna make a decision. cos it's just gonna get all draggy and painful and horribly draining if u go on this way...
lay down the facts... ie Just For EXAMPLE...
1. u can't forget.
2. u still wanna share a life with him.
3. u wanna maintain a family nucleus.
etc etc... lay down all your facts, write them down and decide the best course of action... it doesn't have to be perfectly defined, but at least have an outline.
as it is, the things u're looking at are Not You. it's all 3rd party influences and That included Religion. what isit that You Want - First. not what God wants, what counsellor says, what your mum says etc etc... You - YOU.
get to that stage first... u might find clarity sooner.
u do not have the courage to make a decision and take-on the consequences of Your decision. whether to stay or leave, whether to end it here or stay and forget the past. u DO NOT have the courage to make any decision whatsoever...
u will sit around the fence, run thru the bad things he has done, run thru wat u think, run thru wat u think of doing, run thru this and that and throw it to religion. but u Just will not come to a decision yet...
now that's FINE. really it is... but recognise that u're at the stage where u're avoiding the decision-making... and not smoke yourself into thinking that u're actually gonna make a decision. cos it's just gonna get all draggy and painful and horribly draining if u go on this way...
lay down the facts... ie Just For EXAMPLE...
1. u can't forget.
2. u still wanna share a life with him.
3. u wanna maintain a family nucleus.
etc etc... lay down all your facts, write them down and decide the best course of action... it doesn't have to be perfectly defined, but at least have an outline.
as it is, the things u're looking at are Not You. it's all 3rd party influences and That included Religion. what isit that You Want - First. not what God wants, what counsellor says, what your mum says etc etc... You - YOU.
get to that stage first... u might find clarity sooner.
maybe_maybe
New Member
doll, yes.
he keep saying he's repentant..and cried abt it to my mom etc etc... but from his actions, or rather non-chalence, i feel that he is hesitating. So b4 i suggested couselling and church, i did tell him that it's ok if he feels that he wants to return to the other woman.. cos i'll be able to take care of the family and will let him visit his son when he's back in SG. I asked him to seriously consider and he did say he really wants this family back but is fearful and lost... my God! He's lost as in how to patch back and show the family love? Then y is it that he acts like he has a step by step guide to infidelity? I mean... he should have exercised more sense! And this affair is not like for 1 or 2 mths... but for 6 mths! Till now, he keep saying he is lost... and has a lot of pressure from his career etc etc...and now he blames me for his circumstance this morning..
my hb's major major obstacle is his pride and the people ard him. becos his parents passed away since he's very young, he was brought up by his aunt and uncles who overly doted on him and condoned his actions! Upon the discovery of the affair, i called his aunt.. his aunt told me to just accept it and receive him home with a smiling face and pretend that no such thing has happened...so i posted to the aunt, what is there is a 2nd/3rd/4th time etc... she simply tells me to take it as my fate and part and parcel of marriage life.. his uncle is worse...told him that he should not have admitted and should continue to lie to me instead... i mean.. it's with family like that that contributes to a failure in character.
That is Y... i feel that he needs to wake up his ideas! he is now the head of the household.. he has to learn responsibility and self control.. my hb maybe very successful in his career thus far... but he has a weak mind and very weak spirit..
he keep saying he's repentant..and cried abt it to my mom etc etc... but from his actions, or rather non-chalence, i feel that he is hesitating. So b4 i suggested couselling and church, i did tell him that it's ok if he feels that he wants to return to the other woman.. cos i'll be able to take care of the family and will let him visit his son when he's back in SG. I asked him to seriously consider and he did say he really wants this family back but is fearful and lost... my God! He's lost as in how to patch back and show the family love? Then y is it that he acts like he has a step by step guide to infidelity? I mean... he should have exercised more sense! And this affair is not like for 1 or 2 mths... but for 6 mths! Till now, he keep saying he is lost... and has a lot of pressure from his career etc etc...and now he blames me for his circumstance this morning..
my hb's major major obstacle is his pride and the people ard him. becos his parents passed away since he's very young, he was brought up by his aunt and uncles who overly doted on him and condoned his actions! Upon the discovery of the affair, i called his aunt.. his aunt told me to just accept it and receive him home with a smiling face and pretend that no such thing has happened...so i posted to the aunt, what is there is a 2nd/3rd/4th time etc... she simply tells me to take it as my fate and part and parcel of marriage life.. his uncle is worse...told him that he should not have admitted and should continue to lie to me instead... i mean.. it's with family like that that contributes to a failure in character.
That is Y... i feel that he needs to wake up his ideas! he is now the head of the household.. he has to learn responsibility and self control.. my hb maybe very successful in his career thus far... but he has a weak mind and very weak spirit..
maybe_maybe
New Member
i want to stay... i want to maintain a happi family. But it takes 2 hands to clap.. if he is not sure of himself.. how am i gonna continue? i am throwing the ball to him. If he wants to stay and make effort which i can see.. i'll definitely put in 101%, but on the other hand, if he remains half-hearted abt this marraige and words remain louder than actions.. i'll just pack up and go. There are many other factors in our marriage that is affecting him which is beyond my control.. such as his relatives etc etc..
miloice
Well-Known Member
i agree with powder.
u listed alot of things u wanted. But nothing comes for free. You will need to work for them.
You are playing yo-yo or roti prata here. One moment say no way, must divorce. Then next moment say how sincere he is to patch up and that both of u committed to move on together. And now, that he has no commitment. huh?!?
No use for him to cry father cry mother when he isn't willing to put in the effort. There is really no 2 ways about it.
In any negotiation, you need to define your 1,2 and 3.
1) non negotiable. Key importance.
2) Negotiable important factors.
3) Non important trivial issues.
You go into discussion knowing what is important for you and what is possible for you to compromise. Otherwise, it will be endless talk and you getting overwhelm and upset. He will be totally clueless having no way of making u happy. Its just useless long lengthy talks that frustrates the both of you.
If there are factors you identified as non negotiable, then don't compromise on them. And make that clear that its not possible for you to give in for it. This is the only way you can get something win-win out of the discussion. To get the most out of your negotiation, always value your compromises. Don't give in and HOPE for something. Ask for it and NOT expect it.
u listed alot of things u wanted. But nothing comes for free. You will need to work for them.
You are playing yo-yo or roti prata here. One moment say no way, must divorce. Then next moment say how sincere he is to patch up and that both of u committed to move on together. And now, that he has no commitment. huh?!?
No use for him to cry father cry mother when he isn't willing to put in the effort. There is really no 2 ways about it.
In any negotiation, you need to define your 1,2 and 3.
1) non negotiable. Key importance.
2) Negotiable important factors.
3) Non important trivial issues.
You go into discussion knowing what is important for you and what is possible for you to compromise. Otherwise, it will be endless talk and you getting overwhelm and upset. He will be totally clueless having no way of making u happy. Its just useless long lengthy talks that frustrates the both of you.
If there are factors you identified as non negotiable, then don't compromise on them. And make that clear that its not possible for you to give in for it. This is the only way you can get something win-win out of the discussion. To get the most out of your negotiation, always value your compromises. Don't give in and HOPE for something. Ask for it and NOT expect it.
maybe maybe,
the crux of what i'm saying can be found in what u just said... pls scrutinize the words and then your stance...
"i am throwing the ball to him. If he wants to stay and make effort which i can see.. i'll definitely put in 101%"
it's the crux of your problem... it really is.
u need him to do X, then u will do Y.
u need him to agree to A, then u will agree to B.
do u see it as clearly as me? and why u're having such a difficult time and going thru a conflicting process right now? cos u need him to do something First. u threw an ultimatum, yet u still hoping to withdraw it...
perhaps this way of handling matters with him isn't working as well as u hope... so might have to relook at it. u either LEAD, or u FOLLOW. dun be a FOLLOWer but keep telling the Leader where to go, and why if he dun go there - u will not be happy.
your husband has his faults... i can't address them. i'm addressing u...
the crux of what i'm saying can be found in what u just said... pls scrutinize the words and then your stance...
"i am throwing the ball to him. If he wants to stay and make effort which i can see.. i'll definitely put in 101%"
it's the crux of your problem... it really is.
u need him to do X, then u will do Y.
u need him to agree to A, then u will agree to B.
do u see it as clearly as me? and why u're having such a difficult time and going thru a conflicting process right now? cos u need him to do something First. u threw an ultimatum, yet u still hoping to withdraw it...
perhaps this way of handling matters with him isn't working as well as u hope... so might have to relook at it. u either LEAD, or u FOLLOW. dun be a FOLLOWer but keep telling the Leader where to go, and why if he dun go there - u will not be happy.
your husband has his faults... i can't address them. i'm addressing u...
maybe_maybe
New Member
powder, i kno this is the prob.
i'm an impatient person.. i feel that he made the mistake.. so he should be the one picking up the pieces and not me. But i am very frustrated by the way he is doing things, keep asking for time to heal the wounds etc etc... to me, if there's no actions... time wouldnt change anything. Basically, we have very duff characters.. he's very passive while i am very hands on and active and wants to achieve fast solid results. I am strong in my career... but in terms of marraige.. i am often at a loss.. what should i do as a woman? i feel i really dun kno how to be a woman.
Perhaps i am so used to being the leader at my workplace...so i often find it excrutiatingly hard to switch roles at home.
My hb's those MCP.. and i am FCP... big clash! I try to be ignorant and not vie to speak my views too often.. but it seems the higher i go, the further apart we are... i really dun kno how to handle this relationship... very much at a loss..
i'm an impatient person.. i feel that he made the mistake.. so he should be the one picking up the pieces and not me. But i am very frustrated by the way he is doing things, keep asking for time to heal the wounds etc etc... to me, if there's no actions... time wouldnt change anything. Basically, we have very duff characters.. he's very passive while i am very hands on and active and wants to achieve fast solid results. I am strong in my career... but in terms of marraige.. i am often at a loss.. what should i do as a woman? i feel i really dun kno how to be a woman.
Perhaps i am so used to being the leader at my workplace...so i often find it excrutiatingly hard to switch roles at home.
My hb's those MCP.. and i am FCP... big clash! I try to be ignorant and not vie to speak my views too often.. but it seems the higher i go, the further apart we are... i really dun kno how to handle this relationship... very much at a loss..