scopeguy: i surrender, u sui2bian4
junkie: u want to practise using your razor sharp tongue to hurt pple? go ahead then. It's your problem, not mine. I bet you use your stingers all the time on anyone near you.
seawaves: hmm...big power struggle game u have at home leh! Both of u 'fighting' to be the queen at home. Of course I dun mean that u are deliberately trying to overpower your mother in law, but your husband gave u the task to 'rescue' him from his mother, so u fearlessly become the knight in shining armor.
If my hypothesis of the problem is correct, the root of your problem lies in your husband's inability to separate from his mother. He probably has a love/hate relationship with her, on one hand detesting her dominance, on the other hand need her protection to go on in life. And now he is transferring all these on you: protect him also wrong, dun protect him also wrong. Somemore must fight mother-in-law...dun envy you a single bit, must be very tiring. The bedsheet/bolster thingy is her maneuver to show she is stronger. Poor woman, need to go to such extremes to spite u and show that she still controls her son.
I got a suggestion/intervention in mind, but i dun want it to interfere with your therapist's intervention..you decide whether u want to try it out, but only when it doesn't interfere ok?
People are often caught and stuck in situations because their normal way of interaction isn't working. They react to each other again and again, and is caught in the vicious cycle that spirals downwards. My suggestion is that you try a behavioural experiment: to do something differently.
Now I will imagine that the usual interaction involves you and your husband trying to buy something or make a decision. You will ask your husband. He will tell you he cannot make a decision. He will ask you to choose for him. You choose (for him) and that is the end of the matter (for you). After countless of such activities, this decision situation may become automatic: both of u bypass the asking and u help him decide (because anyway ask also waste time because he will never decide). One fine day he 'wakes up' and feel resentful "How come my wife always make the decision without asking me? How come she is the one who makes all the decisions? How come she so controlling? How come she is like my mother"
Now to change this interaction/behaviour, you may want to discuss with him, and find one/two things that he has to make a decision for. Maybe it is the choice of food for dinner. Nothing life threatening, but otherwise still important. I will like you then to MAKE SURE HE MAKES THE DECISION. Do not, by any means try to save him. Support him in his decision making process, and be patient while he makes his decision. DO NOT make him guilty for making a poor/late/slow decision after as well. What may happen is like this: Dinnertime and u2 wants to go for dinner. You tell him that this is his decision, you will go with whatever he decides. He sighs, complains and say he don't know what to eat, he ask you what you want to eat. You tell him, no he decides, anything is okay for you. He whines more, say he really dunno, why not u decide? You ask, you cannot make decision now ah? Nevermind, I can wait for you. Slowly make nevermind. If I abit hungry can eat a biscuit first. You decide then tell me lah
. He will try again and again to ask you to decide, then complain that choosing food is so difficult, and you are so heartless not to help him (using guilt to pull you in), and maybe also complain that you sure complain whatever he choose. You coolly tell him, no lar, i support you in your choice. I can wait, it's okay. After an inordinately long time, he will finally decide, then you happily go with him. It will be good if you can truthfully tell him that the restaurant is a wonderful choice, but if he didn't choose well, you can also tell him that the place is not bad (or say it's really bad, so bad still can come out and do business...both of u complain together so the problem becomes that of the lousy restaurant instead of him making a bad choice).
Repeat this process...after some time, you will realize that your husband becomes more assertive and willing to make choices. Because the interaction with you is sooo different from his mother, your relationship will not be hampered by his mother any longer. He will also not see you as a threat to his individuality (and manhood) and will no longer seek out any 3rd party to 'regain his manhood'. Of course, the danger here is that you may become his idea of the perfect mother: the one who will give him freedom, nurturance, etc. But when that happens, it becomes a new/different but smaller problem la.
hope it is useful.
jiayou seawaves! " )
junkie: u want to practise using your razor sharp tongue to hurt pple? go ahead then. It's your problem, not mine. I bet you use your stingers all the time on anyone near you.
seawaves: hmm...big power struggle game u have at home leh! Both of u 'fighting' to be the queen at home. Of course I dun mean that u are deliberately trying to overpower your mother in law, but your husband gave u the task to 'rescue' him from his mother, so u fearlessly become the knight in shining armor.
If my hypothesis of the problem is correct, the root of your problem lies in your husband's inability to separate from his mother. He probably has a love/hate relationship with her, on one hand detesting her dominance, on the other hand need her protection to go on in life. And now he is transferring all these on you: protect him also wrong, dun protect him also wrong. Somemore must fight mother-in-law...dun envy you a single bit, must be very tiring. The bedsheet/bolster thingy is her maneuver to show she is stronger. Poor woman, need to go to such extremes to spite u and show that she still controls her son.
I got a suggestion/intervention in mind, but i dun want it to interfere with your therapist's intervention..you decide whether u want to try it out, but only when it doesn't interfere ok?
People are often caught and stuck in situations because their normal way of interaction isn't working. They react to each other again and again, and is caught in the vicious cycle that spirals downwards. My suggestion is that you try a behavioural experiment: to do something differently.
Now I will imagine that the usual interaction involves you and your husband trying to buy something or make a decision. You will ask your husband. He will tell you he cannot make a decision. He will ask you to choose for him. You choose (for him) and that is the end of the matter (for you). After countless of such activities, this decision situation may become automatic: both of u bypass the asking and u help him decide (because anyway ask also waste time because he will never decide). One fine day he 'wakes up' and feel resentful "How come my wife always make the decision without asking me? How come she is the one who makes all the decisions? How come she so controlling? How come she is like my mother"
Now to change this interaction/behaviour, you may want to discuss with him, and find one/two things that he has to make a decision for. Maybe it is the choice of food for dinner. Nothing life threatening, but otherwise still important. I will like you then to MAKE SURE HE MAKES THE DECISION. Do not, by any means try to save him. Support him in his decision making process, and be patient while he makes his decision. DO NOT make him guilty for making a poor/late/slow decision after as well. What may happen is like this: Dinnertime and u2 wants to go for dinner. You tell him that this is his decision, you will go with whatever he decides. He sighs, complains and say he don't know what to eat, he ask you what you want to eat. You tell him, no he decides, anything is okay for you. He whines more, say he really dunno, why not u decide? You ask, you cannot make decision now ah? Nevermind, I can wait for you. Slowly make nevermind. If I abit hungry can eat a biscuit first. You decide then tell me lah
Repeat this process...after some time, you will realize that your husband becomes more assertive and willing to make choices. Because the interaction with you is sooo different from his mother, your relationship will not be hampered by his mother any longer. He will also not see you as a threat to his individuality (and manhood) and will no longer seek out any 3rd party to 'regain his manhood'. Of course, the danger here is that you may become his idea of the perfect mother: the one who will give him freedom, nurturance, etc. But when that happens, it becomes a new/different but smaller problem la.
hope it is useful.
jiayou seawaves! " )
