How to move on? Cannot get over the hurt and anger

lingtan83

New Member
It has been one year since my divorce. Reason for divorce was because ex husband had affair. Very very sad and angry bitterness in my heart. I have two young kids. Of course the pain is better then just discovering the affair. But there are still times where the bitterness and sadness creeps in my heart. I would find tears rolling down. It seems like a never ending cycle. I love him with all my heart and now it feels like a thousand daggers in my heart. Sometimes I find myself weeping. How can I get through this?
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
Acceptance is the first part. It is only 1 year. Some hurts take long to heal. Scars will be for life but you will learn to live with it. It becomes your past, live the present and for the future. Don't avoid and fear to remember. The more you face and accept it, the less intense the pain will be over time.
 

lingtan83

New Member
Easier said then done. It is very painful sometimes I just throw myself into taking care of the kids just to avoid. The resentment bitterness is there too, I just kp bad mouthing my ex and cursing him. How can two people be so selfish to have affair without a thought for the pregnant wife? Even though I admit my temperament did change during pregnancy but still it doesn't justify the reasons for affair. Feel like a fool bring kept in the dark, feels like I can never get over it.
 

lingtan83

New Member
Does counselling really help? I cannot put down the feelings about the affair. It's hard really hanging on when a partner probably has already moved on long ago.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Counseling could work... because it gives you an avenue to talk about it.

its not what others say. You have to face it. This is the reality. You cannot really avoid all the time, it will come a time you have to come to terms with it. The sooner you reach that point, only then recovery will start to take place.

When I shared my own problems with friends, they were shock and found it so dramatic. Shit really happens in life, sooner or later, we will face it. Its terrible, no one can tell you it isn't. We will experience unconsolerable pain literally that doesn't go away, making our hearts so heavy, tears falling uncontrollably. Sleepless nights that no matter how tired, we couldn't rest.

Don't be mistaken that I'm trivializing it. Its as bad as it can ever get. But, what's next? Life goes on. We have to deal with it. Come back when you are feeling better and think back if it isn't so. This is life, adversities will make us stronger and appreciate our loved ones. Be kind to yourself, don't torture yourself holding on for too long.
 

scopefun

New Member
Local counselling may not help, since they are 'professionals' who, however, ain't that professionally equipped. Basically, those with psychology qualifications are... well, merely good in exams and application-wise... hardly acceptable.

The way you said things show that you are an emotional creature, probably dependent at heart and rather naive. I don't even think you work, or if you do you hang out with the right group.

Loving a person with all your heart doesn't mean you'd curse him if he fails you... but heavy emotional attachment's break and the break of expectation will. Which is... if your new 'love' interest appears, that 'love' for him can smoothly reside and be forgotten.

The pain is only a result of temp psychological imbalance. Without reasoning, you need peer support... which I heavily doubt you have.

Should you think you have depression, please come to my blog and seek out my contact. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HANDLE YOURSELF.

If you are still young, then you can choose again. If so, I should congrat you.
 

cococherry

New Member
Yi Ling,

Are you sahm?
You are a very brave lady and I'm glad that you choose to take good care of your kids than venting your anger on them.
Take some time off and meet new people. Like what milo said accept is the first step, accept that it's a history and believe you wil meet a better man in future. It's just not meant to be.
 

scopefun

New Member
Psychologically unstable, and you suggest 'accept'.

She has no control. This is not a 'choice' issue. The memory and adaption of such a hit usually also cause the perception of an extremism, ie. the distrust of men and relationship.

If she has no sufficient peer support and is not already wise to understand her problematic relationship before and during the divorce, things will be very hard for her, esp to accept.

To accept without hence understanding and by force is ridiculous and harmful to her future relating to the reality and her hunt for future happiness.

She is like a gambler who has lost everything on the table... and now she is blaming the dice, the banker, the money... but not herself. She is like many women...

The usual steps to handle such a case is to go into her life, and lead her slowly to grow up, then hopefully she'd find another man and lead a normal life, then she'd be out of the woods.

Her mental state now is not proper to 'accept' anything.

And she is not brave either. LOL~

A brave woman is a fighter, she is not.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
She has to deal with her emotions and issues. No one can take away that part and 'magically' get over it. She really has no choice, she cannot run away from reality, painful but not the end of the road.

Professional counselors just take and pass exams and some jobless joker with a useless blog knows it all. This is a good joke. Not so, when Yi Ling desperately seek for new love can somehow with expectations that it will surely help. She could end up in a much worser mess.

If she has depression, all the more, she needs to seek professional help and not go to scope's stupid blog.
 

npyl

Member
Hi Yi Ling, I have been to psychologist and psychiatrist before. I pour out all my anger and grievances to the pyschologist. It is like a step towards recovery as no one can understand how I felt.

I no longer see them now. But occassionally I still felt that I am in depression but I sort of can control my emotions and I am lucky that I have found a friend that can totally understand what I have gone through and am still going through as she is experiencing similar situation.

Professional help is useful especial if there is no one else that can listen or understand how you feel.
 

scopefun

New Member
Yes yes yes. She has to deal, but HOW? LOL~

Nobody is saying she is running away from reality, because she IS LIVING with the 'painful' reality.

LOL~

You can try the local 'professional' counselors at your own risk and not come to me. It's up to her.

Actually, if she is smart she will seek to contact me at my blog. Going to 'professional help' means if her husband will fight some time later for custody, her records with (say) IMH won't help her.

Oh, yes yes yes, there is *supposedly* secrecy in medical reports... But I won't bet on that.

You know those idiots who took exams and passed... and are messing up the entire Singapore...? You can go on believing those fugging meritocratic urban myth...

But let me tell you this...

Your bullsh|tting can stop because she is, as I said, like an outright gambler who has lost everything.

I have read your 'advice' to her... You seriously don't understand when you need her to make choice or decision, her mental state must be capable. You can't say tell her to move on then the pain will just go away. What? You think if it is so easy, she is so dumb not to do it?

A$$hole... LOL~

Yeah, I am jobless joker... But don't forget... Jesus was also a jobless joker, who was later pinned to the cross by the authority. It all depends on you see it.

All I know is...

She shouldn't go to IMH, she shouldn't be listening to you, if she is not coming to me... you think those counselors have the ability to deal with such suicidal cases?

Milo Meelo, you don't understand the problem about local counselling scene, do you?

Why don't you try probing and see for yourself? LOL~

Sigh~ Moron...
 

clark

New Member
chocolatte, i am not laughing. Someone is going thru a tough patch in her life.

Scope has a point too. Dun belittle it just because u think your is the only right one.
 

scopefun

New Member
LOL~

Go ahead and laugh.

Like I said... People like Kerin Peh... they died because of this moronic society of morons.

Laughing like an idiot and hoping that TS can make her own decision now is normal... I have read such things in this forum for too long.

LOL~
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Let us see who is belittling the problem.... don't see counselor, if in depression, go to the weirdo's blog.

Scope, the previous thread got deleted because of your idiotic and insensitive comments. When will you stop it. You didn't know the late Kerin Peh or know for sure she didn't seek help or have support. All based on your idiotic assumptions. SICK IDIOT.

What a dumb comment and assumption that seeing a shrink would mean going to IMH.
 

clark

New Member
My advice to Yi Ling is to calm yourself down and take charge of your life.

Go on a holiday. Get a new prospective of the direction u wanna take. Be pro-active.

You have 2 kids right now. It is not going to help them if u are going to wallow in yr situation or just accept, etc.
 

clark

New Member
Milo...why the bashing on a Friday ?

Scope is not entirely wrong and u are not entirely right.

Can u change ?
 

scopefun

New Member
Milo Meelo,

It's not my judgement of what to delete. But I say things according to my personal policy.

LOL~

Seriously, if this TS is Kerin Peh, you can help repeat history... for all I care.

Of course, she and her parents can choose to go to IMH... or to see this sicko.

I still get entertained anyway. LOL~

Go on laughing. She'd get even more depressed if her ex-hubby comes after the kids and dug the records from 'professional sources' who mostly would subject her to medications and silly counselling and she live on as an extremist.

I have seen too many cases.

I won't stop people from going to meritocratic craps.

Kent, she is not going anywhere now. She got TWO kids to handle.

Too bad, my dear... Milo Meelo and Chocolatte are wishing for fairy tales...

Stupidity in Singapore is getting too creepy for my tolerance level...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Kent,

"Scope is not entirely wrong and u are not entirely right."

Change in what sense may I ask. Did I even mention anything that me being entirely right? or Scope being entirely wrong?

I pointed out the obvious inaccuracies in scope's comments. What do you not read in that? Precise what is so right or wrong to you.
 

scopefun

New Member
LOL~

Inaccuracies eh... Interesting.

I am not Jesus. I don't believe in dying to die for morons...

I don't believe in wasting brain cells over idiots.

If you and Chocolatte think she has this fugging switch that she can just turn off in accordance to your 'advice' or 'wisdom'... then who the fug can stop you, and stop idiots laughing at one corner thinking like that?

Deleting the thread won't make you more right. LOL~

Depression... is a state when insanity can be salvaged using the remaining sanity... If you are insane enough to go to counselors...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You die your business.
 

npyl

Member
For depression, medical help is useful. I have visited pyscologist and psychiatrist but I am not insane. I just needed someone to listen and understand.

It is sometimes helpful to speak to someone that does not pass any judgement. Counsellors are often good to provide a listening ear. It is not necessary to go to IMH for counselling services. They are available and family centre, AWARE or private ones.

I am not sure how many of you have been to them but I have.
 

scopefun

New Member
You are not insane, NPYL... but from your 'ordeal' you remain the same...

You'd be very surprised how things can go very wrong... via orthodox manner. LOL~

May you satisfy my curiousity... of why you still have that 'emotion' surge after all those sessions?

Do you know why? Hehe~

Help me to explain to those two smarties. Thanks.
 

lingtan83

New Member
Yes, I am emotional creature dependent and naive! I am SAHM and I got no close friends. Ever since dating days with ex hubby, he doesn't allow me to have social world, cannot go out with friends etc. I feel that I have sacrificed a lot of my youth everything in it and now my life is ruined.... I am 29yrs old but I look like 24 or 25yrs old, that's wat ppl tell me... Loving someone doesn't mean I will curse him? I don understand this at all. I do feel much better then a year ago just after discovering affair. I was a emotional wreck at that time, skinny and pale. I am better now, but I still sob. Whenever I feel better, this ex hubby of mine would try to contact me and the cycle starts again. I ever thought of sucide, yes stupid i know. I am affected by what he says but I try not to show it. When he contacts me, he doesn't want to let me go, I don noe for wat reasons, it seems like he's trying to string me along or he's getting some kick from hurting my feelings. I am going to change my contact soon and moving hse and starting part time job soon, sending my kids to childcare.I hope this will help me to really move on. Whenever he tries to contact me I curse and swear at him and OW. I cannot help it, anger and sadness everything mixed feelings. And scope guy is rite in saying general mistrust of men after this. Whenever I feel sad, I think that it will be very hard for me to enter another relationship, I don't wanna get hurt again...
 

npyl

Member
Yi Ling, support from someone is very important regardless is it family, friends, counsellors. Maybe you have been bottoming up your emotions. Try to release them. Talk to someone. Start making friends. Things will get better when you start working.

Have some time for yourself. Pick up some hobbies that you might like. Take baby steps at a time. When I am emotionally down, I tell myself breath. I also pick up exercising that I would do everyday. After 1 hr of exercising, I usually feel more at peace with myself.
 

scopefun

New Member
My dear...

Actually the moment you got hit, you should have sought help, because usually a woman will go extremist... and it will be very difficult to root out the problem, and will hinder your progress (in most cases, that's so).

The more you are like this, the more harder to find another partner, and the more you will be stuck in difficulties in life esp when your kids need you... financially or emotionally. It's like when you needed a partner, you actually are stuck in the opposite end.

And mind you... any issue coming could start you down a mental spiral into depression... and suicide. Though your experience may be different to Kerin Peh's, but your psychological mechanism is the same.

Both of you are at risk, only that she died and you are still around.

If you love someone... you will cherish, you'd forgive, you'd fight for him, or at least... you don't want to hurt him. This is the truth of love. What you are experiencing... is, as I have said... a 'break' or a shock due to the break of emotional attachment and expectation.

Yes yes yes, you have 'gambled' all, made all the sacrifices...

But maybe it's not the right time, yet I have to point out yours is not love. Once you have met your One, then you'd realize what is love, and you'd soon forget your ex-husband. I mean, you will remember who he is, but the pain will be gone.

For now... what you need is to seek help. Medication and all those talking things with counselor WILL NOT help you. Yes yes yes, you can feel better now, numb numb with medication... but eventually when you need to confront another relationship, all those pains and sh|ts will come back, and you WILL BE confused again.

Your ex-school mate was a sad case... a pitiful one. She could have survived if she had encountered proper aid. But she didn't. And at every 'stimulus', she 'was' pumped down... and *motivated* enough to take her own life.

It was preventable... but despite the media, no professional help was rendered. No counselor can help her or know she needed.

If you really cannot take it, seek me out. It's not my policy to reveal my personal contact here. You will have to choose to save yourself...

But here... think, my dear... when you were a kid, what was life? Now you have two kids... Life is not always so sad. It got ups and downs. Right?

I won't say forget this forget that...

But what you need to do now is to understand... don't die for someone who doesn't care about you.

And don't die to upset your parents and your kids. Your kids deserve to grow up as you did, and they deserve their mother's love.

If you really need to, you can seek out my facebook account...

And remember, do not listen to the morons and idiots here... You'd get even more confused.

It's good you face your weakness. It's ALSO good you are only 29... You still have a choice. Maia Lee was dumped twice, have two kids with different men... She is kicking and alive, and ENJOYING life.

What about you?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"Deleting the thread won't make you more right. LOL~" The deletion of the thread is by the admin for obvious reasons about the kind of insensitive and rude things you spoke of. Don't attempt to make this about others.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Yi Ling, I do not attempt to fix your mind because I understand how every individual deal with stress and emotions is different. You have to discover that.

The only 'smartie' here is the moron that thinks he knows all as ALWAYS. He has done it all the time in this forum and other forums that he shared about. Do go to his blog and see for yourself what kind of weirdo this scope is.

When you mentioned you sacrificed your youth, you actually gave it up willingly. Positive thinking doesn't happen overnight, but knowing that you are not all so alone. Everyone else will go through rough patches in their lives in some parts of their lives. What doesn't kill us will eventually make us stronger.

Your kids need you, for their sake and for your own happiness, break that vicious cycle. Friends and family and sayang and hug you. That decision is important because it gives you the motivation and goal to overcome it. It gives you no excuse to remain miserable forever. You will cry, blame and have all the negative reactions. It is all part of finally coming to terms with reality.
 

scopefun

New Member
Yeah yeah yeah...

Yawnz.

Please ignore this sicko weirdo as you see fit.

My problem? LOL!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
 

cococherry

New Member
She no longer has the notion of committing suicide, she has passed that stage year ago!!! Her kids are giving her the strength and reasons to live on. What shes feeling now is indignant.
 

scopefun

New Member
Chocolatte...

Don't get your hope too high.

It's more dangerous when you think everything is fine...

... when she is still bitter, she still doesn't understand, she is still confused, she is still dealing with burdens of life alone, and...
... she is a woman.

Talking about things is a woman actually subtly calling for help.

A woman who 'passes' what the fug stage can handle on her own. If she is already ok... why is she still so... around here?

Strange... are you a woman?

It's highly dangerous that after one year... she is still so agitated.

That doesn't sound your alarm? LOL~
 

clark

New Member
Milo...simply put.

ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS.

Take concrete steps instead of "101" proper counseling like u are suggesting.

She does not need these at this stage.
 

joyfulgirl

New Member
Usually why one cannot let go is due to ä¸ç”˜å¿ƒ.
Because of these 3 letters, we are always staying in the well refusing to let go of all vengence, hatred and anger. We are always wondering why things turns out to be ugly, why do we sacrifice so much and in the end we get the shit, why....so many why that have no answer to any.

There is no right or wrong, but if we are able to 看破 and understand, we will be able to get out of the pit sooner or later.

加油ï¼
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Others??? u mean scope. If you would do a word count... no one use it more than scope. ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS. He is undoubtedly the MORON.

"LOL~ Go ahead and laugh."

Crazy fool that is laughing out at every other statement. Did I laugh? The only joke I pointed out is the irony that professional counselors are supposed to only taken and pass exams and some jobless joker with a useless blog knows it all.

MORON
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Scope, of cos you don't want me to cite that the admin deleted your irresponsible posts.

"The admin got eat sh|t, you also follow meh?"
Now, you suggest the admin shit poop. tsk tsk tsk.

If admin really did that, why shouldn't anyone mention it. I will not join your irresponsible talk. Lame attempt to wriggle.
 

clark

New Member
Milo, on a serious note...i believe Scope's advice has some practicality and realism to it.

U may not choose to accept this but there is no right or wrong in this forum. we are sharing our views so that anyone can choose to benefit from it.
 

2ndchance

New Member
Hi Yi Ling,

There is a support group for those going or gone through divorce which you may want to get in touch. I found this group too late. I wish I know of its existence earlier when I was going through hell. I attach the invitation email for you. Remember, you are not alone in your struggle and you will be able to recover.

Dear Friends,

We will be organising a forum – â€Recovery from aftermath of a divorce†on 1 Dec (Sat) from 2.00 to 4.30pm.

No one goes through a marriage expecting it to end up in a divorce but one in three marriages here will eventually break up leaving many people in tatters.

Moreover, many people who have undergone a divorce situation suffer from a grief that is similar to a loved one passing away.

Some may even exhibit suicidal tendencies and a few making an attempt on their lives to end the misery.

The emotional pain is always intense and overwhelming.

We are fortunate to have invited Dr Fred Toke – a respected speaker renowned for his speaking eloquence and witty jokes to grace the occasion.

Dr Toke earned his PhD in psychology from the US and is a well sought after speaker in the region.

He also manages Family Life Solutions - a one-stop shop that organises seminars and workshops to enhance family relationship ties.

During the forum, he will share on the psychological trauma of divorce and how one can take small incremental steps to cope with the pain.

We hope that you will learn something during the forum if you are suffering from the aftermath of a divorce.

The forum will be held at National Volunteer and Philanthropy Centre (NVPC) at 6 Eu Tong Sen Street #04-88 The Central Clarke Quay S(059817). Please use the shopping mall lift up only.

Please email us at [email protected] or [email protected] providing us with your full name and a contact number if you are keen to sign up for the event.

There are only 20 places available for the forum and its on a first come first served basis.

Thanks and see you soon.

Gilbert Goh

Organiser

Support site for the divorced

www.steadymarriages.com
 

60secs

Member
Read the bible, ask God to take away your vengence, hatred and anger. Life is too short to be entangled by such evil things which eat away your peace, joy and happiness from within.
 

caelitus

New Member
Close friends can offer valuable support by helping you to talk it out and keeping you company as you adjust to the loss and betrayal. You will need to open up. Although I am not a member and is unable to comment on the effectiveness, a divorce/single parent support group may be useful. You may be spurred on by the success stories or the positivity of the group.

I have seen a psychiatrist and a counsellor. The medication to aid me in sleeping helped and the avenue to pour out my troubles allowed me to work out my own answers. My friends/colleagues/boss have also been most helpful during my tough period.

If you have a religion, you can seek solace in that. If you are of the Christian faith, there are 31 chapters in Proverbs, give it a shot by reading a chapter everyday according to the date.
 

onehappybride

New Member
Hi All,

I would appreciate if u dont Drag Kerin's incident in as it is a totally different issue... She have long pass on and let the pass move on.

U are not in others shoe and will not know what the rest is coping with.

Whatever advice you would like to give, please leave her out of it.

Thanks.
 

scopefun

New Member
OneHappyBride,

It's not over, silly...
Nothing has changed.

People like you still exist...
who imagine things are over...
when people everyday...
over the same psychological mechanism.

And nothing had been done for her, and for those future cases.

What do you think?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
u do not need to address to all. there is only scope that is so sick and disrespectful to keep bringing it up.
 


simpleman

Active Member
Willing to accept and moving on is an entire possibility.. provided you want to.

Our minds are limitless in its capacity to change but at the same time, we can also be very stubborn and refuse to accept what that is happening to us.

Talking about it to other people in similar plight or to counsellor may help - it depends on the individual. But in the end, we depend on ourselves.

I know what because I have been there. Done that. Right now, I am super happy. But guys could be different from girls. For me, I am not bitter.. Never. We just pick up and move up. No point assigning blame or be bitter.
 

Top