How much did u lose for ue wedding?

[faithz17]

to me it's not a matter of money, it's the principle behind it... cos the wedding is supposed to be how the groom's family welcomes the bride by giving her family a treat... if we put in all the AP just like that, it will become my family giving his family a treat to accept me... machiam like my family have to "bribe" them in a way to accept me... cos i know my side definitely will not lost and will actually make a bit of profit... his side confirm at least 50% losses... so in all other things i can equal share with him, but in accepting me into his family, the significance behind it, i want to insist his side should fork out money...

for the AP collection, i won't be having two AP boxes, but i will instruct my recept people to write down the names of the giver on the hongbao, which is wat i did for my ROM also... i think this is necessary not only to know who gave what, but also in future will need to "return the favour"... also hopefully those people will know that their contribution isn't anonymous, then those who gave big will know that we know and appreciate them, then those who intend to give small small (cos think like their hongbao will be lost amongst all the hongbaos) will at least have some face to respect us and give decently...

as for the jia yong, fortunately my hubby has this mentality of "marry wife to sayang"... so he wants to pay more... so while for big ticket items it's all equal, in the every month household allowance and misc expenses he willing to cover also... i think this one depend on his mentality lah... then technically if husband give jia yong, then wife should do household chores... but i managed to manja him into sharing half half... heh...

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Lynnette,

Hope you dun mind me butting in here!

I also subscribe to the view that husband should provide wife allowance. BUt this is not something that I understood easily as my dad doesn't give my mom allowance - both work.

What made me realise that husbands do give working wifes allowance was after my husband and I attended marriage prep course- we were advised that husband give allowance to wife even if wife works.

Reason for this is that husband is always reminded that he is working for another person - his wife, and not for himself or the need to rise up the corporate ladder.

Having said that, husbands who give allowance to wives must do so willingly. I think it's the same for every relatnioship. You cannot insist that someone gives a gift to another person. That giver must be convinced that it is something which needs to be done.

In my case, my husband and I take turns to pay for meals and movies,etc outside. When he's with friends, I let him pay so he appears more guy-ish. When we are alone, I will always offer to pay and leave it to him to decide if I pay or he pay.

My husband has indicated that he will give me an allowance after AD when we live together. I have not spoken with him on any amount. I feel the amount is not important to me. What's more important is that he gives it to me on a fixed day every month.. that will remind him of his committment to me. I will be very pleased with $50/month, cos $ doiesn't come easy for my husband although he earns quite alot. It's blood money, I always say.Long hours.


Oh.. another thing is even before attending marriage prep course and being introduced to the idea that guys can give working wives $, my husband was already the sort who would be prepared to "support" me ... when I went to Hong Kong with my mom on a holiday, my husband gave me $200 in spending $ without me asking. This is despite knowing that my mom had already exchanged $1k into HK dollars for spending $. He also told me not to buy anything for himself or his parents in HK. Eventually, I bought him and his family some stuff with my mom's $ and tried to return the $200 to him (it was untouched and still in Singapore dollars) but he told me to just keep it and save it up in my personal account.

My husband also told me once he believes that women, even though working, should have their own "si fang qian" and he hoped I had some... haha.

So it may be that my husband's character is more prone to want to "support" his wife, so he's more willing to give allowance to working wife. I think personality matters alot in this area.

 

[faithz17]

oh we also have our own personal accounts apart from the joint ones... and we have each other's pin numbers so anytime we want to know each other's balance can just log in and check for ourselves also...

oh previously the 80 tables i realised i mixed up fifi with pk... pk is the one having 80 tables right??

 

[cactus_79]

Hi faithz, I think our husbands are quite similar in character. He also thinks it's the guy's job to pay day to day expenses in the household. Actually, it's also my dad's and my FIL's mentality! My dad always pays ultilities and telephone bills in advance. My mom just joked last weekend that my dad paid all the way up to 2008... next time my dad die, my mom won't know how to make payments already!! Touch wood!!!

 

[cactus_79]

This is quite apart from the topic in this thread, but I feel there is some sense to the olden saying that if you want to know how yoru husband will be in the future, look at your FIL. hahha. Ditto for wives.

 

[faithz17]

for my PIL, the father cannot make it one, he's very poor from young and doesn't know how to make wise decisions, instead he always splurges on buying small little things from flea markets kind... but my MIL is very wise, she know how to invest in fixed deposits, and runs a coffeeshop... so now my FIL after retirement work together with her... if not for my MIL, my FIL will not even have a roof over his head... so my hubby seeing this, knows his dad is like a negative demonstration, so he wants to be able to support his family and take good care of his wife... i.e. ME!! heh...

you know, i'm so used to my hubby paying for my meals, got one time i was eating out with my friend, then after eating and chatting, i just walked off... i totally forgot to pay!! lucky i remember afterwards and went back to shop and pay... hee...

my hubby also very sweet like he will ask me if i have enough money in my wallet, if not enough he will just pass me some to use for the day... so actually when he need money i will definitely help him, and i know vice versa as well... it's just that for the dinner well really the principle lor... cos cannot be my relatives treat his relatives right!!! he's a great hubby, just with crappy relatives... haiz... but they are nice people lah, just ngiao lor...

 

[faithz17]

for me, my mother is not a very good demonstration of a wife and mother... so i also learnt that she is a negative demonstration... both hubby and i pray i won't be like her... she's a very negative person, such that when you have problems, share with her, you feel even worse and she will condemn you for having such problems in the first place... rather than saying ok darling wat's done is done, let's work on solving the problem, any help you need, i'm your mother, let me know and i'll be there for you... then when you have good news to share, she will pour cold water... like when i want to get married to hubby, she say now he treat you well, next time he cheat on you then you watch out... or when we want to go overseas, be it USA, HK or Thailand, her standard statement, "don't go, got terrorist!! i dun allow you to go ah!" but well everything we just go ahead and seriously, the only terrorist i have is her... haiz... so i really dun think i will end up like her... otherwise my hubby will also dun wan me liao...

 

[cactus_79]

hehe. Faithz, it's the opposite in my case!! My husband always withdraw only $20 each time from ATM cos he is thrifty. Sometimes, when he offers to pay for a meal he will open his wallet to find insufficient cash. In the end, I will pay for the meal and give him $10 in case he forgets to withdraw more ATM and runs out of $ when he's at work!!!

Sometimes, relatives can be very irritating. Just have to close one eye... no choice lah. blood relations after all.

My husband's aunt irritated us and my ILs when she went ahead to book the exact same venue for her daughter's wedding just 5 weeks after our wedding. Luckily it is not before our wedding so no pressure for us to make ours a good one. We just need to make sure our wedding goes on without a hitch.

 

[vvn]

wow... thanks for sharing girls.

erm, for me and hubby, we are quite different. even though he earns more than me, he says he's going to surrender all his pay to the me into joint account, which I will use to pay bills etc as i am the more organized person. he gets pocket money monthly from 'me'. Of course i do contribute some part of my salary to joint account. When we go out, do groceries, whoever pays will just take from joint account. it's more like a centralized pool of money which we have a budget to work with each month and all extra savings will be for long term goals. our own personl expenses like computers, shopping all take from our own accounts.

 

[cactus_79]

I think whatever the arrangement, it must be a comfortable arrangement for both husband and wife. And if there is a change in employmnet or if husband/wife choose to stop work, or if kids come, it may be wise to re-visit the issue of finances.

 

[faithz17]

when's ur wedding?? where is it??

usually i wouldn't want to hold it in a hotel that my relatives have held theirs... otherwise it's like been there, done that... then pictures will also look the same... why would ur hubby's aunt do that?? unless she want to like so called "upstage" you all ah? so 3-8 meh??

 

[cactus_79]

My wedding is at Shangrila in Sept 07.
It was so irritating. Share with you the sequence of events.

My husband's aunt called my MIL to share the news that her daughter (overseas) will marry a foreigner in Sept 07 - soelmnization. Then her AD is in Nov 07.

My MIL said so concidental!! Same day her daugheter solemnize overseas is our AD!! The Aunt said she intended to invite all the relatives overseas to witness the solemnization. My MIL was very angry... cos my FIL is eldest son. This Aunt only marrying out daughter. My MIL is marrying in DIL. More important. but she just kept calm.

Then the Aunt asked my MIL where our wedding. My MIL said Shang. Already confirmed. The Aunt asked if we can change the place cos her daughter likes Shang also. My MIL said cannot cos already paid deposit.

In the evening, my FIL called the Aunt's husband (his brother lah) to tell him not good to have 2 weddings so close - cos last time, a granduncle said this before. The husband said he will talk to his wife.

Little did we know that the Aunt already paid deposit at Shang just a few hours after talking to my MIL!!! Such an idiot right??

I believe the Aunt will upstage us. Cos she is very very rich. But we don't care. We just do the wedding and hopefully nothing bad happens and no major complaints.

My ILs really dun like the Aunt but just have to bear and grin and just act fake loh.

Another thing - my parents held a formal engagement party at Fullerton for us after my husband proposed to me. My parents invited all my husband's uncles/aunties/cousins. So the stupid Aunt was aware that we would be getting married soon. Being the younger sister in law, she should have checked with my MIL before confirming the solemnization and AD dates with her daughter. All I can say is her daughter is goin to be a spoilt brat and the Aunt doesn't know how to "behave".. considering the Aunt is a retired HOD of a secondary school. Disgrace.

 

[cactus_79]

My husband said we didn't even know her daughter's bf had proposed to her. No news. Then suddenly - getting married overseas! Dates all chosen!! The Aunt even lied to say to others that she kept asking my MIL when our AD is, but my MIL refuse to say. For one thing, my MIL Is very innocent. She's not the crafty type. And wedding is a happy event. Why would my MIL want to hide teh date? After all, my ILs chose the date and they had already informed my parents of the date long ago. There was nothing to lose to tell other pple the date what! OUr venue booked, our MUA and photographers all booked already. What's the secret?

Anyway, no point spoiling our moods over this stupid family. I feel sorry for my FIL though cos he is eldest son, yet being trodden upon by younger brother and sister-in-law. My husband is the more poor thing one... but from an irritated state, he bounced back to plan the wedding very well. He actually roped in his best pals and shared with them the story. Our helpers are aware of the Aunt and her unreasonableness.
In fact, for our wedding, we are not asking any of my husband's cousins to help out. We will rely on my cousins and our friends. We don't want our plans for the wedding to leak out in advance to the Aunt.

The Aunt won't be attending our AD cos she will be overseas observing the solemnization. She will only return to Singapore in mid-Oct. 1 month is too little time for her to copy what my husband and I plan to do for our AD. I sound so evil hor??!!!

 

[vvn]

cactus,

wait a minuet. your aunt wants to invite all the relatives to her daughter's solemnization, which is your AD? er, is she trying to steal your guests?

whether your MIL getting a DIL or the aunt marrying her daughter is more important or big thing, your MIL informed everyone first of your wedding rignt? don't worry, i am sure other relatives got eyes to see who's the copy cat. =p

 

[faithz17]

well at least your wedding is first, so she's the copycat... i think will chong xi right? so you have legitimate excuse not to invite her to your wedding!!

but seriously she no brain issit, i wouldn't want to follow other people wat... haiz... wat to do there's always this kind of xiao ren around one... well cactus, actually in terms of $, both of you hold at shangri-la is considered quite good wat, so can't really upstage you all that way... why dun you personalise your wedding more, so as to make it enjoyable for your guests? also watever programme you have, if she does have it, they will be seen as the copycat... everyone will just think yeah they remember it 5 weeks ago at your wedding... ultimately if she's such a biatch, then ur relatives won't like her also right... then i'm sure when pple go to her daughter's wedding, it's more of a show face thing rather than genuine go there and share with the couple's joy...

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Charly,

I dun know what she plans to do. She has invited all my husband's uncles and their families to overseas to observe the solemnization. She will be paying the airfare, accomodation and free tour. So far, 2 uncles and their families have accepted her offer. She may be trying to steal our guests but it may also be that she wants her daughter's husband to see that there is sufficient representative overseas for the solemnization.. so cannot blame her. What irriated my ILs is that the 2 families rather observe the same couple's solemzation and AD, rather than to attend our AD and in Nov 07, their AD. A bit stupid. We don't care though cos less pple to invite.. haha. and no point forcing them to come if they want a free trip. It's in Europe , by the way.


The sad thing is my MIL didn't inform everyone of our AD until this matter blew up. You see, my MIL's son is having his AD in a cheapo restaurant cos my ILs are paying for me. We have ours at Shang cos we pay for it. My MIL didn't want to annouce our AD date yet to her relatives cos they sure ask where? Then very no face if my MIL say Shangrila cos her other son is a restaurant.... so no one knows the truth....

But it is very unerasonable that the AUnt never check with my MIL our AD date cos she was aware my husband proposed to me in Dec 05. Since we never marry in 06, it shoudl be 07 right? Or high chance will be in 07?? How can I wait so long for marriage after proposaL?

 

[faithz17]

well if she wants to "steal your guests", then ultimately it will depend on how close you all are lor... it's also a good time to see where the relatives' loyalty lies... i'm sure they will come to your AD instead of flying overseas just for a solemnisation... these kind of events is a good way to know who you can depend on in future for your marriage life...

 

[cactus_79]

Actually, I can't invite her to my wedding. Neither can we accept any invitation card to her daughter's wedding. We also cannot give or take any AP.

My husband is more upset with her than me. After all, they are blood relations. He feels betrayed.

Yes, that's what we are thinking of doing. TO make the wedding enjoyable and most importantly, memorable. There's no way she can copy because she cannot force her Son-In-Law to do certain things during the AD. But my husband is more than willing to do those things during the AD.

 

[cactus_79]

Yes, agree with you Faithz.
Ultimately, time will tell. My ILs know their siblings have no respect for my poor FIL... I feel very sorry for him. But anyway, that's really my husband's family's business.

On my side, I just want to be a good wife and try to be a tolerant DIL. Wedding dinner only a few hours. No point spoiling our mood over it. But those events can really show the ugly nature of some people. It also showed my husband how unreasonable his paternal relatives are. Since that incident, he has grown much closer to his maternal relatives and my relatives. I feel it's a blessing in disguise.

 

[cactus_79]

Actually, I didn't want the wedding at Shangrila. I just wanted a simple wedding at a decent restaurant or any hotel. It didn't have to be at Shang. It was my husband's idea really.. that's why my husband more angry than me. But I guess being the bride, I'm more angry than the groom... so in the end, both of us equally angry.. haha!

 

[faithz17]

wah free everything ah... then really depend on how close your ILs are with their relatives... if the relatives want the free Europe trip then sure will go lor... but if they really close to your side, and want to support you then they will come lah... but think about it this way, she's not inviting her guests, she's like bribing her guests... her guests go is more like wah free Europe trip, rather than so happy for the couple kind of mentality mah... and ultimately you also save on costs cos have less people...

if ur MIL didn't want to announce ur AD date then it's really her fault already mah... isn't ur MIL's son your hubby? or her other son?? well if her other son couldn't afford to pay for it themselves, have to depend on parents, then can only spend according to parents' budget wat... reality of life... somehow it seems that ur FIL and MIL dun really know how to stand up for themselves and handle the situation properly, resulting in his young siblings disrespecting them and doing this kind of thing... it seems more of your PILs problem that you have unfortunately inherited...

if ur hubby has a older brother, use their wedding as a learning ground lor... quite fortunate to be quite close with SILs so think the information flow will be very erm well informative...

 

[cactus_79]

The Aunt is very rich - long time civil servant... alot of pension money. Husband and I won't be using $ to make our wedding a successful one. What we have a very good friends who are sympathetic to our story. And they have vouched their fullest support for us.

Actually, the extent of harm to us is limited.. cos my husband only has about 48 paternal relatives (immediate). Since 3 families not going, the numbers attending both weddings is likely to be just 20 relatives. I just target for our wedding to start not too late.. say... by 8pm, and end by 11pm. It will be all that I ask for. I'm not so concerned about the rest.

 

[cactus_79]

Well.. faithz, my MIL was NEVER asked by the Aunt our AD date. The Aunt lied. You see, there is absolutely no reason for my MIL To hold back the truth from the Aunt cos the date was already agreed by my parents. Also, when this happened, it was only in Sept 06!!! There is still so much more time to tell pple our wedding date.

My MIL Had inteded to wait for her elder son and wife to return to Australia (wife is Australia) this month before annoucing our wedding is at Shang in Sept 07 cos her elder son and wife's wedding is in a cheapo restaurant. She didn't want her elder DIL to feel jealous cos her elder DIL may not understand that my husband and I have ours at Shang cos we pay for it ourselves.

Actually, my husband's older brother never wanted to return to Singapore to AD even though ROM 3 years ago. He only returned with his wife to Singapore cos his parents begged him to and offered to pay every single cent. He is an Australian PR now.

 

[faithz17]

in that case just tell the elder DIL that cos you all paying for it mah... aiyoh after hearing ur story i feel so sympathetic to you... wat evil relatives... but really lor, now you know who you can depend on who you cannot... i think your future family in law including all the BIL SIL MIL FIL everyone very impt at these kind of things...

just to share with you... my uncle had his walk-in very cute... he's a regular in army so his fellow officers were like part of the guard of honour in his walk-in... only thing they refuse to let him pass until he do something... they made him do things like say i love you in ten different languages, answer questions about her, carry her up the stage, etc... so sweet... not degrading things, but memorable things... but of cos the day is about you, so just enjoy the day can already...

 

[vvn]

don't worry lah, i guess your SIL and BIL will understand why you can have ur wedding at the Shang (and not them) i mean they can't be that unreasonable.

yah, actually less relatives better. coz relatives are usually the ones who will come late. and those who are coming are probably those relatives who dote your hubby more than the cousin, so no worries!

have fun brainstorming your memorable wedding. if need help u can always ask us, after hearing your story i really tong qing you.

 

[cactus_79]

Hi faith, my ILs dun want to tell the elder DIL that we are paying for it... cos DIL is Australian. It is already quite bad that their wedding is at a restaurant - the restaurant is in the same building as a KTV lounge and the main door is just facing the main door of the KTV lounge - the toilets are very dirty and the gals are dressed very sexily..not an ideal place for a wedding. My ILs got "no face" to tell the elder DIL that ours is at hotel. Cos why would the elder DIL care where ours is? She will naturally feel jealous that hers is not at a hotel. And my ILs dun want to upset their elder DIL cos their elder son is somewhat "living off" this elder DIL. Their elder son stays with his ILs in Australia.. and doesn't have a job. He didn't pass his PSLE in Singapore. Studied till Primary 8 extended, then worked at age 14, then tried to study in Australia but didn't graduate. So quite sad loh..
It's not really my concern how my ILs deal with their elder DIL. I have minimal contact with her and their elder son too...


Yes, thanks for the reminder. Actually, I believe every bride is the prettiest on her wedding day if she is happy. I know I will be a happy bride because of the guy I'm marrying. It doesn't matter that the Aunt is awful.

I plan to have memorable things during the AD gate crashing ... heheh. I agree it's not necessary to do degrading things. I wouldn't want my husband's friends to do push ups or eat/drink stuff.. I know they will be very very embarressed.... Hopefully my jiemeis listen to me!!

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Charly,
Thanks for empathizing. Actually, I was very upset when I Heard the news.. cos it was so "out of this world". Then I saw my husband even more angry... my ILs so unable to do anything. My MIL even wanted to call my mom to tell her the story and suggest both sides' parents to top up $ to make the wedding dinner better.. but I stopped my MIL cos told her no way should we use $ to outdo the Aunt. The Aunt is just too rich loh. We can't compare.

So in the end, for 2 whole months, my husband and I used every amount of free time we had, to identify pple who can help us in the wedding preps - excluding his cousins cos dun want the info to leak out, write out the wedding script for the emcee, and think of interesting things to do during the wedding dinner which $ cannot buy. Then, we spoke to our friends and my cousins and garnered their help.

NOw, we are just finalizing the details and making sure we have not missed out any detail by rechecking and rechecking. I believe our wedding will be a success as long as it starts on time.

At the end of the day, my husband and I must be the happiest couple - at least, we must believe we are the happiest pple just for that day.

 

[cactus_79]

Another cousin actually had the cheek to ask me how come Shangrila is so popular until everyone wants to have wedding there. I almost cried when I heard this. Then, the same cousin said that Fullerton's food is not good at all, and is over hyped. I had my engagement party at Fullerton. My parents paid for it and invited all my husband's relatives including this cousin and this cousin had the cow sense to talk bad about it. Even if Fullerton's food is really bad (which I disagree and the food is backed up by the Tung Lok name), she didnt have to say this in my face.

This rude cousin is going to Europe for the solemnization. One of those families.

 

[cactus_79]

OH!! Let me add - when my parents invited my husband's relatives to Fullerton for the engagement party, my parents told them not to bring APs!! Some brought, others didn't. My parents spent $25k on the engagement... received only $7.5k in AP and gave all the AP $ to my husband and I. The $ is in the Fixed deposit now. NOte - my parents didn't even open the APs.. they just gave my husband and I all the sealed APs...

Dun really know why some pple can be so rude, thoughtless and cheapo enough to grab the chance to go Europe for a cousin's ROM and miss another cousin's AD.

 

[faithz17]

well, IF she gets married, then you can just tell her, oops you just happen to be going on a trip overseas during that weekend... too bad, so "sorry"...

this kind of thing how you treat others will be paid back to you during your wedding lor...

 

[babyfifi]

Yah cactus,

after hearing your story, my heart goes out to you. I know how it is when relatives "spoil" your wedding mood. But whatever it is, just go ahead and have the wonderful wedding you want. With or without them, your wedding goes on & will be memorable.

If you need more ideas, no harm saying here also. I'm sure a lot of the ladies here will gladly help you think up more memorable things to add.

 

[cactus_79]

Faithz!! That was what my husband said he will do! In fact, my husband said in the future, he will tell the uncles/aunties of the families going to Europe that he will be overseas if their kids get married.
Dun know lah. I just told my husband to keep it in his thoughts and not to act on it until later cos never know how things may change in the future. Really.
I feel in some ways, perhaps my ILs have a part to play. It is not overnight that they lose the respect from younger siblings. That's why I encourage my husband to form bonds with his older brother but he always say very hard cos they are different.

 

[cactus_79]

Actually, I've managed to stay relatively calm in the face of all this rubbish through the grace of God and having support from my parents, friends and ladies like yourselves on this forum. I feel I've been able to stay more in control than my husband, and I feel he loves me more through this as I think I've been his stabilizing force by not outwarding bitching about it. I bitched about it alot to my parents... but that was about it.. hehe. in the initial days.

 

[cactus_79]

Sometimes, I feel a tinge of sympathy for the Aunt.. because her daughter won't return to Singapore. She's marrying a politician's son overseas. Very powerful man. No reason for her to return. Her FIL won't let her return.

The Aunt bought a $1m condo for her other child - a son. Apparently, she coudln't convince the son and DIL to stay with her. She has 3 other landed property.. but rented out.

I'm the only child and I know how lonely that must feel. I can also understand why she wants to give her daughter what she thinks is the best place for a wedding . All because of face value. Her own son got married at Fullerton.

 

[cactus_79]

I think as human beings, most important is our conscience and what we want to remember and hold dear when we are dying. Is it face value, $ or blood ties and warm relationships.

 

[faithz17]

hahaha... actually i will just say that next time... see for your wedding whether they got send AP in place of their absence... wat they do to you, just do back lor... but it's true lah, this kind of thing, depends if ultimately you still value them as relatives... if you think yah lah europe trip quite tempting then want to forgive them then make up lor... if you think got this kind of relatives, no need enemies then just do it back to them...

yah i think ur PILs generation might have some misgivings which you shuay shuay kenna lor... for me i also only child, so i think it's nice to have siblings, so i encourage my hubby to be closer to his brothers also... on my part i also quite close to his SILs and really appreciate their help and support during our ROM... sometimes i'll tell my hubby i want to visit his SIL and his nieces until sometimes he will be like huh you want to see them again... hahaha...

well for me i think that how much you give is an expression of your love/ wishes... but your Aunt seems to be like giving to get love and well wishes... if your other relatives were on good terms with her, then no matter wat they will go also, but if they not really close then go because of free trip, such cheapo relatives also not worth getting upset over...

 

[cactus_79]

Yah.. I think my ILs did somethings wrongly in the past.. actually, I suggested to my husband to give small cakes to his relatives to inform them that we were going to ROM since we didn't invite them to our ROM... not enough space. I told my husband to mention when delivering the cakes our AD day. Our ROM was in Oct this year. My FIL said good idea but my MIL said no need to waste $. So in the end, we didn't. My parents said they would have done so. My ILs dun have much $.. but I feel even if not much $ still must know how to act properly if not, may be looked down upon...

 

[cactus_79]

My husband already warned my ILs that our wedding will be a small affair.. cos they are having 30 tables for his elder brother's wedding (elder DIL's side only 2 tables cos Australians). Meaning, ILs inviting 28 tables. My husband told them we aim only 35 tables for our wedding... that means 17.5 tables including husband's friends and IL's guests...
My husband told my ILs they will offend pple if dun invite so many for our wedding at Shang... but ILs just ignore... sigh.
If I were my ILs, I will just offer to pay the extra tables and give all APs back to us. But they also never offer. Hopefully they dun get scolded by pple during our wedding next year.

 

[faithz17]

wah cactus, if i were you, i'd never be manipulated by them like that... obviously you are more in tune with current practice and decorum compared to them, so you should be the one giving the final say...

like my MIL also, she said like, "oh invite people cannot ask for name or who's coming one, very rude..." or "how come know who give wat hongbao, dunno mah..." then immediately my hubby and i veto her, tell her "eh mother cannot like that, if like that how we know how many tables to cater for and how to plan seating arrangement..." and then she was like oh they just come and got space sit where lor... which was apparently the case during the eldest brother's wedding... upon hearing this, *fainted* then told her firmly, well mother that's not going to work at our wedding dinner... i'll need you to write a list with everyone's names and whether they will be able to attend or not... if you never confirm, i'll take it that they are not coming and will not prepare space for them...

so even now, for the second brother's wedding, she start to prepare list liao... must be firm one lah... then i told her also, hongbaos definitely must write name... i think she also culture shock... hahahahaha... but fortunately before that i managed to psycho my hubby liao so then both of us combine and psycho her... hahahaha... but at the end of the day, you should make the final decisions, not them... if they make mistake, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting and blaming them... at least if you make mistake, you only have yourself to blame...

 

[faithz17]

oh by "you" i meant bride and hubby...

heh, well apparently my hubby likes the billboard idea so he was proposing it to her... so in comparison just writing the names on the hongbao seemed pretty harmless... muahahahahaha...

 

[cactus_79]

Actually, to be honest, my husband already give up hope on his parents. We are still good to his parents, but we hold the purse strings very tightly. His parents listen alot to him. When this thing happened, (the non giving of the cakes to announce ROM), I told my husband before hand, if pple ask why never spread the news, can we say your mom didn't want to give? My husband say okay. So now, everyone knows we planned to give cakes, FIL also agreed, but MIL said no.

That's the way it is now.

Anyway, we are so happy the cousin's wedding not before ours. If before ours, the pressure is immense. The pressure is actually on the poor Aunt now... cos she doesn't want to lose out to my poor ILs. The Aunt also doesn't know much about my parents but think she was shocked that my parents invited so many pple to the engagement party and it was at Fullerton cos these days few pple have formal engagements. Even her own daughter didn't have formal engagement. I am quite pleased I'm giving the Aunt some stress.. but then again, she is retired now. HAve all the time in the world to plan for her daughteer's wedding.. and have all the time in the world to be stressed!

So evil hor?!

 

[cactus_79]

Anyway, I know what you mean when you say you dun want to feel as if you are paying $ to have your husband's relatives accept you into the family (wedding cost). In the same way, I have an understannig with my husband that we will be contributing 50-50 to wedding cost.. I mean, not calculate until the last cent lah.. but estimate lah.

But I will never use my parents' $ for any of the wedding cost except for my dowry cos it is unheard of for the gal's parents to pay for the wedding dinner. It's usually the couple or the guy's side fully.

 

[babyfifi]

Actually if want to say which side supposed to pay, the bride is supposed to
1. pay for all her gowns,
2. pay for her PIL's shoes,
3. give 1-2 pairs of pants to her hubby,
4. give towels to the the groom's side aunties (I think)

dowry supposed to contain toiletries (including basins, tumblers, toothbrushes, towels, etc), bedroom furniture, electrical appliances, 12 sets of clothing, sewing machine, etc.

The guy's side pay for dinner & his own suit & the pin jin. I'm not sure who pays for photos.

So if like that, I think bride's side's expenses a lot also. But since we do away with a lot of those big items on the bride's side like sewing machine, then why be so concerned about whether your relatives pay for you to enter into your hubby's family?

Summore the traditional way is they pay, your relatives' ang pao is given to the groom's side also unless it's the tables that are given in your pin jin which is probably 6-8 tables only. The rest of the big ang pao is theirs also, not yours.

If want to think that your relatives are paying for his family to accept you, only make yourself unhappy & may cause unnecessary tension. Might as well think that everyone of your guests are giving what they can spare to celebrate your wedding & wish you well. The amount may be smaller but their wishes may be more. Who knows.

I also can predict that the groom's side Ang Paos will be less than my side's Ang Paos cos some of my side's guests are very 'generous' de. Why i say 'generous' is cos they want to show off, act rich de but they may not be as happy for us as some poorer guest who gives a small ang pao filled with love.

 

[vvn]

cactus, actually i think ur aunt quite poor thing after hearing what you say abt her. she like, erm, an old woman trying to do everything for her daughter. like the wedding is some farewell dinner for her coz the daughter never coming back. ok, she also stressed lah. prob she is handling all the wedding banquet stuff on her own. so probably also dunno where to go and decided if ur hubby thinks shang is good, can't be wrong also. may be next time u or ur hubby have chance to meet her during some family reunion, you can joke "aunty, remember your daughter's wedding dun everything copy us hor!" (serves as a reminder for her not to copy everything wholesales, later march-in song, BS, ballroom deco all the same then die ah =P)

just be happy. very amazed that you actually got almost everything sorted out, 10 months before your AD. (er, i very last minute only got things done the week before, heh)

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Charly, I just wanted to try to be fair - paint both sides of the picture. THat's why I said in one of my first few posts that she may or may not want to steal our relatives. She may have the intention of showing to her future son-in-law that she is willing to spend $ to pay for relatives to observe the solemnization. You see... her son-in-law is ang mor. Daughter will stay there in a foreign land. She doesn't want to risk her daughter being pregnant after AD of course, and pple ask how come got Ang Mo looking grandson? You mean your daughter already solemnize meh? HOw come we don't know? I'm just guessing lah.. but it's a possibility. she also has her difficulty.

But I find her very unerasonable in lying to get her way.. and why choose exactly the same venue? She can go for Ritz or Fullerton what...

Anyway, she told my MIL her daughter only wants Shang.. so not really her choice either. but as a parent, she shld explain to her daughter why don't choose Shang, or at least, choose a different ballroom, etc.

Anyway, she can't attend our AD even if she watns to cos her daughter's ROM date is our AD date. THat's why about 28 relatives on my husband's side cannot attend cos they will be in Europe holidaying.

Husband and I are planners... grin. That's why we managed to put everything together. and we've got fantastic friends who are willing to help out.

 

[vvn]

fifi,

it's like that one. a lot of guests like to show off, coz they have enough money to bury you!

but some other guests, not very well to do, still give u ang bow full of love. one of my ex neighbours wrote me an IOU, very cute of the whole family.

and the worst kind is those whom u thought were very close to, they are quite well to do, yet give you tiny ang bows, makes u wonder if you were being naive to be their good friends, and so nice to them all the time in the first place

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Fifi, I'm surprised you are aware of the things the bride's family has to buy for the egroom. THese days very few pple know about it. When my parents told me they were going to buy those things, I was so shocked.. ahhaha.

Just to add on,
the bride's parents must buy jewelry for the bride as part of the dowry and the bride's parnets may buy belt, watch, tie, tie pin, specs, pants, shoes, socks for the groom also.


Traditionally, the groom's parents will give $x amount as pin jing together with the Guo Da Li delivered to bride's house. The bride's parents will use a portion of that $x to buy all the above mentioned stuff... then return the rest to the groom's parents.

The groom's parents will also give a few tables to the bride's parents for the wedding dinner and the bride's parents will keep all the APs from those tables. The brides's parents may only seat immediate relativres at those "given" tables. Usually the groom will give a number which is sufficient for the bride's imediate relatives.

The bride will also have a separate wedding dinner for all relaties and friends.

But these days, pple dun follow all this anymore.

 

[cactus_79]

yah... agree with the point Charly is making.

I'm always very touched when I get big APs from poor relatives or very old relatives during CNYs.... it's those well to do relatives who give me like $10/AP.. (cos I'm only child) and my parents always give at least $50each to my cousins... average 2/3 kids per family....

Anyway, then again, those who appear rich may not be rich loh. Those who stay in big house may have huge loans.

 

[babyfifi]

cactus, I did some research ma... But I will not be following so much. Cos dun want to spend money on things which will be stuck in the storeroom. We everything will be yi si yi si only.

 

[cactus_79]

Fifi, in my case, my parents had to tell me. I didn't believe them. So did research on my own. Then realised it was really how it was done in the past!!

Very elaborate. No wonder pple say weddings is not just between 2 pple.. it's between 2 clans!!

I have no choice. Will probably follow quite a bit cos my parents want to follow and ILs are okay with it..