Help...

B

baby_piglet

New Member
I'm getting married in 3 month time but i don't feel happy at all. Please give me some help after you read my story.

After i get married, i will be a mother of 2. These 2 kids belongs to my HTB previous marriage. At the start of our relationship, my HTB did not lie to me. I know that he had these 2 kids. At first, i believe i can accept these two kids and will be able to live with them happily ever after but as time passes, i know i will not be able to do it. I start to dislike them for taking away my time with my HTB. As my HTB is a malaysian and is working in Malaysia, i will only be able meet and be with him on weekend. Of course when weekend, i would just want him to stay with me as Monday to Thurs he will be having time with his kids. But this is not the case. Sometime he have to babysit his kids due to some reason. MEans ... no time for me. As time passes, i began to HATE them. What should i do?
Recently i had been feeling very depressed as my HTB always remind me how much he had sacrificed for me. How much he have change for me. But to me this is not what i want to hear.Sometime when i felt depressed and sad and i need him to be there for me, he always will not be as he had to stay in Malaysia and babysit his kids. Please advise what should i do....
 


it's not Hate per se, it's more like u are Jealous of his kids. there's a difference, u know?

given that u really can't accept the fact that he has commitments to his kids during certain weekends, then don't expect that he will give them up for u and the marriage.

think of it as the kids are important to him just like he is equally important to you....

u gotta adjust ur mindset.
 
I think u better reconsider this marriage as it is clear that u r still not ready to accept him + his kids, u only want him but u r still not ready to accept his 2 kids and treat them like urs.

how is the r/s btw his kids & u?
 
Skylar,

I do not have much interaction with his kids. so relationship with them are not that good. To me, they are just a stranger to me.

Cuclainne of course when i have my own kids i will not hate them as it our kids. I know i'm very selfish to put it this way.
 
i agree with skylar and vios, u are jealous that most of his free time is spent with his kids, and probably subconsciously started to resent his 'situation', and over time you started to resent his kids.

like skylar said, best to reconsider the marraige, or at least, postpone it and buy yourself more time to think it through properly. One thing for sure: if you want him, you have to accept his kids - it's a package deal. if you don't come to terms with this, you will have a very unhappy marraige.

one more thing though: he works in msia, his kids are in msia, im guessing his whole family are in msia too?

have you talked abt what will happen when you get married? will you be moving to msia? will he be moving to singapore? i think there are a lot of other factors involved here
 
Would be better to put a halt unless you can accept the kids first. Like above mentioned, it comes as a package. The kids will definitely play a factor in your relationship as well. Time to start building on it if you intend to proceed with this guy.
 
well sharon, u said it all...

if u'll to hv ur OWN kids wif him, things will only get tougher. so dun WASTE TIME liao... my advice to u is to DUMP HIM and look for another man
happy.gif
 
sharon, since u accept him at the first place, that means he got good points for u to accept it comes as a package.. think carefully abt these good points.. is it still worth for u to accept all these?

can pm me if u r keen to hear some similar case
 
how old are his kids?

how about trying to spend more time with them then? If u r gg to get married to him then getting along with his kids is a must.

also, what is gg to happen when u get married like how the others above are asking??? He in M'sia u in Sin??
 
Hi AB,

His whole family is in malaysia. After we get married, i will most likely to stay with my parent first as i'm still working in singapore. But our plan is that we will buy a house there and i have to move in
 
skylar,

his kids are 4 & 5 year old. A girl and a boy.

His son is much more friendly and easy to communicate from my observation, But his daughter is not. He only want his father. She will not respond to you when you talk to her.
 
I can only say that he is prefect in my heart if he do not have his kids.

Sharon, really cannot think like that lah.

If you want him, you have to face reality and be prepared that you WILL be a step-mother to 2 kids. This is your time to get to know them before the wedding, make an effort to connect with them and bond.

Otherwise, let him go and don't drag it on any longer. Let's face it, he's not gonna choose you over his kids, and he won't want a life partner who doesn't accept his family as a package.
 
But having the 2 kids should not be his fault and you had mentioned that you knew it all along.

It's either that you have to come to terms with it if you decide to carry on and learn how to take his kids like yours, or forsake carrying on with him if the kids are really out of your threshold.

As I can see, no way he would be giving up the kids for you, which will be so unfair to the kids since they are the innocent ones being drag in as factors between adult's choices.

It's not even about the kids suddenly poping out from no where. They had always been there and you know it and agreed to the marriage. Hencefore, you had to address to yourself and be fair to all parties.
 
"He has his good point. I can only say that he is prefect in my heart if he do not have his kids."

How perfect are you for your mate? With or without kids?? Something for you to really ponder about. If the relationship you are looking for is only one that 100% suited to your needs, then don't look for marriage. Don't look long term. Chances are NOBODY suit you 100% throughout your lifetime.

Just continue courtship and dating. Its not possible to have a marriage that remains perfect for life. Don't get married when u r not ready for what a marriage takes. That comes with acceptance of who your mate really is.
 
i know he will not because of me and give up his kids as both of them are his flesh. But does that mean that i must give up my love if i do not want to accept them?
 
Sorry to be blunt, but if your fiance is a good father, he will not want you if you don't want to accept his kids.

You don't have to 'give up' your love, but you'll probably have to give up your man. Love him from afar, I suppose, until you meet someone else who has no children.
 
i dun get it... he's so busy running 2 countries, tend to his kids... and still got time to date and get married to u???

and u accept that schedule?

the kids dun matter, i dun think u're selfish or anything... i just think u're pretty dumb to be committing to something which cannot commit to u At All.

u can get more time from a part-time bfren.
 
"His whole family is in malaysia. After we get married, i will most likely to stay with my parent first as i'm still working in singapore. But our plan is that we will buy a house there and i have to move in"

There's no hurry to get married right away. I see that the marriage doesn't change the current situation. After marriage, you'll still be staying in Singapore, while he'll still be staying in Malaysia. Both of you are still living apart like bf gf, so why the hurry to sign the paper?

Besides fostering his two kids, are you able to adapt to the life in Malaysia? Is he going to expect you to stop working and look after the kids? I find that both of you haven't ironed out some issues. It's better to postpone the wedding plan.
 
Ya...I agree with Powder oso....he's running around and already have no time for you and yet you are still marrying him?

I think in your heart you can't accept the 2 kids cuz firstly they are not your own and not close to you. So you dun feel comfortable. Things would worsen when you marry and move over to Malaysia cuz the 4 of you would be staying together and in your mind, u could be thinking "they", meaning papa and e 2 kids are 1 big family whereas you are the outsider. How would you feel by then?

Marriage is a big committment.... think carefully.
 
He do not expect me to resign from my work and look after his kids. His kids would be going to child care or will be staying with his parent. After his work he will go and fetch them.

Ya i agree with little poppets. In my heart i really cannot accept them as they are not my kids and they are not close to me at all. But i love him. Alot of ppl having saying that if you love him, you must accept everything. this logic i know too. But i often felt that i'm the outsider instead a family of his....
 
Why am i hurry to get marry even the situation will not change even after our marriage? Cos he is much older than me and we hope to start a family of our own.....
 
maybe i should ask the same question girls normally ask abt prc ladies - is he a spore pr? is he after spore pr?

seriously this whole things sounds like it's gonna be a vicious cycle of quarrels, heartbreaks and lotsa problems...
 
"i know he will not because of me and give up his kids as both of them are his flesh. But does that mean that i must give up my love if i do not want to accept them?"

Why must you give him up? As I said, if u are not ready, don't get married. Provided he is okie with bg relationship status. We cannot just want and expect everything to what we like or love to have. Finding a life partner is one that is aligned with you on the goals.
 
Having more kids is going to complicate matters I think... I mean, kids are very perceptive and his kids are gonna know you treat your own children better than his, esp on the days when your hubby has custody.

Also, perhaps because of your resentment, you haven't really made a real effort to get to know his kids. I mean, you're the adult here, you can't expect the kids to like you when you're the 'other' woman who is not their mummy. They probably can sense that you don't like them that much either.
 
And what will happen to the kids? You mentioned that he is not young so his parents should be of considerable age. And you can't push the kids to childcare always.

I see your defination of starting a family of your own is very different from his. Because the kids does not seem to be included in your defination of family.

And look. It's the kids that had always been with him, who are his family and now you are planing to get married to him. To get them out of the picture kinda similar to get the guy to get his parents out of the picture too if you are not familiar with them u see the point?

True the kids might be not that close with you and it's kids that you are dealing with. As adult you have to take the initiative or were you expecting for something like, "Look kids, this is your new mum" and the kids will all jump on you? It's the part of the effort you have to put into.

You have to more homework to do than mixing well with the in laws. That is the kids too if you are thinking of even starting anything. Because marriage also involves 2 families. And the kids ARE his immediate family.
 
"Why am i hurry to get marry even the situation will not change even after our marriage? Cos he is much older than me and we hope to start a family of our own....."

Kinda lame right....

getting old = must get married?

hello? you have not even come into terms with the existing problems - you wanna run before you can even walk, then i hope you will be able to endure the potential injuries.
 
"Why am i hurry to get marry even the situation will not change even after our marriage? Cos he is much older than me and we hope to start a family of our own....."

Erm... family of your own? Family planning involve both parties and takes 2 hands to clap. Does he ever mention that he will abandon his 2 kids? Do you plan for him to abandon them somewhere?

Let's say you give birth to a kid after marrying him. When your kid fight with his kid, how ah? I foresee you and him will quarrel everyday over the the kids matter.


Wife: "Why are you bullying my daughter?"
Step-mother uses cane to punish the older kid.
Older kid runs and hides behind Daddy.
Father: "Stop it! Let him off lah"
Mother: "Why are you siding more with your kid?"
"Do you love me more or your 2 kids more? I only allow you to choose one of us."
Father and Mother quarrel more over the kids.

I think you should end the relationship and find another man without any kids from previous marriage. It's no point forcing yourself so much! You have the right to find a more suitable man who can give you what you desire.
happy.gif
 
"You have the right to find a more suitable man who can give you what you desire"

the problem is she doesn't want to find another. She wants him minus his kids.

Like I want my pay cheque without needing to work or pay tax.

With such mentality, she will never find the suitable man.
 
Milo,
She has 2+ months to change her decision about the wedding or change her mindset about the kids. Her happiness is in her own hands now. She goes into the marriage with her eyes wide open (she knows the guy will never give up his 2 kids for her). She cannot blame anyone except for herself if the marriage life ends up in misery for her.
 
Sharon, if you cant accept him with kids, move out of his life asap. i think he cant accept someone who do know want his kids.

u reminded me of a double standard ex friend. who once told me that loving a lady with kid with extreme. To each of his own, you cant accept him. just move out.

lets not waste his time.
 
Please allowed me to share why loving someone with a kid is so demanding.

Often in life, we see someone who is an embodiment of all that we would need in a woman. She has all the qualities to make my perfect dream partner. The mere thought of her give me an adrenaline rush. She is a woman divorced with a kid! Questions and lots of what if should flood our mind. Who is that irresponsible man who fathered the child and abandoned such a beautiful gal? Or maybe the divorce was dissolved due to other factors? Will that be another 2nd chance with the rightful father of the child? Am i breaking up a potential reconciliation of a family. I simply antagonize my days with so much "what ifs" simply because i am in love with a woman with a child.

Yes, she should be or most likely to be mature and her needs is no longer the same with another common lady down the road without this complications. Maybe its her maturity, or maybe other intrinsic virtues of her life experience made her unique and attractive. However before we start to date a lady with a child, (or be it a man with child), we should set our priorities right. Be sure of the path you are treading on, because its UNLIKELY that you have an option. You cannot take one and leave the other. Well at least for my case, its certainly NOT. In dating her, you cannot LOVE the woman without taking into a fair bit of consideration that its a PARENT and child entity. (Pardon me, if i speak make it sound like a business law). I will not fall in love with a woman who DO NOT care for her child. We must understand that what a woman / responsible parent with child holds dear in this world is her child. Their world revolves around the little innocent life that was brought into this world. Her child represent her best interest, this implies that she (in the right mind) will even sacrifice her happiness including the rs of any potential lover including myself for the sake of her child. I am sure by reading the above you should have understand that the options here is Limited to two. its either PArent and child or NONE.

Its a never easy decision or easy route to choose as we know heart will change but allowed yourself to make the decision with your HEART. Social stigma, high expenses (esp in SG) associated to having to shoulder the child. Yes, the boy/gal may still be "maintained" by the biological dad however IF you love the child, be prepared to pamper him like no other kid. I feel ashamed that i spoil my gf son. Well at least i am trying hard. Its never easy to date a Mother. Dating one is more like an art, well, no books from Neil Strauss (Famous pickup artist) or Body Language author Alan Pease is able to teach u do the trick . Its more of an ART then science. it must be practiced with lots of care, caution and most important LOVE. Be sure of your step. Its Just like what the bible stipulate. In order to get to the Father, you need to get know the son, how true is this analogy.

In dating a woman with a child, it implies that you must try your best to win the confidence and affection of the child as well as that of the mother. According to my limited experience its would be a abomination if you tried to ignore this fact and sideline her/his child in whatever way. The right minded parent will defend her child interest and protect it vehemently.

I strongly believe that if you win the Heart of the child, you won half the battle. Love the child with your heart and soul, treat it like your first born, your biological child though its not. Take the child to places it likes to have fun. Learn to play with the child, bond with him. Be care free with it. Buy him present, well occasionally (do not be like me. i buy him gift weekly) and take him the right value just like his your own. There is a great REWARD for your actions, "your" child will like you and adore you, see you as a fatherly figure it been missing and this is the a good factor if not the BEST plus point for the woman to love you. I know its Its easier said than done. I am struggling with it. But the motivating factor that encourages me is my love for his mum.

Let it subly known to the woman/man (in Sharon case), that you are concerned abt the well being and welfare of the child. LEt me emphasis PLEASE DO NOT FAKE IT. Faking is damn tiring and oxymoronic. For Sharon, you are marrying into a fatherly figure. He not just a husband to you but a father to his kids. He know the missing piece in his life. Are you the piece that can make his life complete again? Show it to him that you genuinely care abt his kid and him. Be so committed to your goal that in the end, the child and dad would be so much synchronized that all of you will feel one. You will be like a family that has always been together.

I enjoyed playing this bf role, well at least i feel that i am seeing some rewards. i do not feel tired except back and muscle aches from carrying him. Love him, love his children. If you cant. its better to give up this demanding role.

A good question address to Sharon. What is marriage. To many, marriage is a certificate that bestowed privileges to many obtain flats or advancement of LOVE. If its advancement of LOVE are u able to love him unselfishly. Its hard we are of the flesh. But you have Two month before you signed on the doted Line, don you think you should do something about it. Yes, btw Congrats on your revelations as you are able to see your own limitations.



Regards,

Dar_da Love
smile.gif


 
baby piglet,

short and sweet/ bitter; Just find someone else to marry. Give yourself time to love other man and to forget this guy. I believe you will be able to find one who's a single/ divorcee/ widower who doesn't have any kids of his own, to start a family. Please do tell your boyfriend that you are not able to accept his kids because you hate them being the '3rd party', you can only accept kids that are yours, and you simply detest them because they are not close to you. Or make it simple; YOU JUST CAN"T ACCEPT THEM COS THEY ARE NOT YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD. So easy, isn't it? I believe your boyfriend will understand your plight.

Mmmm...Why do you think that the children do not wish to be close to you??? For god's sake! They are just small children who are only 5 and 6 yrs old. How do you expect them to love you or accept you when they may think that you are taking their beloved daddy away from them??!! Also, could it be they don't like you because they can feel your hatred? Do spare a thought for the children. I believe they will be very grateful to you if you don't marry their father.

To be honest, it's never easy to become a stepmother or stepfather. Only a very minority lot are lucky to make through. Since you know that you can't accept the fact, just let it go. It's better for you to be miserable for a short period of time than for a lifetime.
 
Sharon,

why are u even thinking of marrying him when u're so unhappy with the situation? He's perfect IF he has no kids, but he does have kids (two huge chunks of 30 something kilos aren't gonna disappear overnight so not a chance of "if")he's just not perfect for YOU.

give yourself an opportunity to seek the happiness u want, and give him a chance of finding someone else who doesn't see his kids as "imperfection".

U may insist that u love him and "he sacrificed so much for u", but love is at best the fuel in a relationship/marriage, even a bad tyre might give u a bumpy ride, let alone engine and gearbox problems.
 
Hi Sharon,

My hubby (then boyfriend) always bring his nephews (2yr, 4yr) along for our dates.
My hubby is like a father to them as their father is always outstation.

Being young kids, of course they prefer my hubby than me and often clings to him and want him to carry all the time.
This is what I do to win them over.

1. Watch their favourite cartoons with them
2. Bake their favourite cookies
3. Organise birthday parties and christmas parties, presents
4. Fly Kites, play remote racing cars
5. Watch disney on ice, watch fireflies on a rowing boat in Malaysia
6. go to zoo, sentosa, etc

We are like a cute little family. Some people on the street even mistake me to be their mother.

Fastward 9 yrs later, we are happily married with 2 adorable kids. He is a very hands-on daddy. Even better than me as he took care of his nephews since babies.

9 yr later, his nephews are teenagers. We are still very close. I will cook dinner for them on weekends and let them play games on my computer.
I still bakes cookies and cakes for them.
It can be quite noisy with 4 children now but it's lots of fun.

Do enjoy their company if you can before they grow up and have their own girlfriend/boyfriend.
 
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