My BF of 2 years proposed to me 3 weeks back. I thought we were very in love. But I just found out that he visited prostitute some months back. I'm so confused. What should I do?
He said its when he can don't care about anything or anyone Else. Why did he even propose if he doesn't love me. I've never been this lost
He told me he visited different ones, no feelings attached. He said he just wanted to do something bad to vent it all out. He promised he's learning to change and learn himself. He doesn't dare to have me back yet until he learns to love himself and love me. We did. We had good times in bed but he still wanted to do bad things.
I gave him back the proposal ring. Told him to figure out who he is and what he wants in life first before talking. He said he shouldn't have hurt me like that and indeed he needs time to dig deep into himself and figure out. We had really good times and are able to talk about everything under the sun. Almost. Except his infidelity. Deep inside, I do love him a lot and thought I really felt his genuine love before. He said he wants to be a man deserving of me. Shouldn't let the house we paid so much money for to affect too. I'm still very torn but I don't want to make a hasty decision.
Carousell - I only discovered their flirtatious messages recently. He continued chatting her up even after I confronted him about having paid sex. I wish I found out before the wedding.
Now that we're married, planning to go for marriage counseling. What happens next all depends on him. Annulment will be the last resort.
I'm in a similar situation but I found out much later. I only found out about my husband visiting ktv girls in China weeks before the wedding. I really hate his friends who introduced him to this during his bachelor trip. It's not a clean ktv btw.
I took it that he was curious, decided to give him a chance and proceeded with the wedding. After the wedding, I realize I can't trust him anymore. The more I dig the more disappointed I am. He looked for the same ktv girl each time he was there. Can a man keep going back to the same ktv girl yet have no feelings attached? He maintains so but I'm not convinced.
You might be able to forgive but chances are, you will never forget. Do you want to live your life constantly wondering if he is cheating on you again? It's a painful path that has caused me countless sleepless nights..
Jam123, i understand your heartbreak because i am in this situation myself. And of course very disappointed because we must have a general good inpression of this person thats why we love them but turn out they can do things that really disappoint and upset us. Actually there are people whos has this character problem so they cheat, are you confident that his character will change? In fact, i feel that cheating during times when both of you are in honeymoon and less stressful, less commitment period of your relationship spells that he can be quite dangerous to choose as a life partner. What is fortunate is that he confess to you before marriage which shows that he still has some conscious. It is really way easier to break the relationship before marriage and kids, house is a small problem as compared to marriage and kids. If i were you, i will really call off the marriage. I will feel that my future is too important to take this gamble and pray that he never cheat ever again. Life and marriage is really long, i dont think i will take that chance.
As for me, marriage then divorce is no big deal to me. But my main problem is children and financial. Of course if my husband shows me that he is not sorry and not repentent, i wont even care, i will divorce straighaway. But my dilemma is the following:
1) he did show love and responsibility for our kids throughout our marriage, he helps in housework, he helps to look after kids, my kids love him
2) he did say sorry many times and he did tell me he wont do it again
3) he has a problem, we figured out that he started off with porn addiction and it leads to sex addiction, thats why he is unable to stop until i discover
4) i dig a lot of details out, cannot be hundred percent sure that every truth is out since i cant really totally trust him anymore but as and when i need to ask questions, most of the time he will sit down and talk to me. I cannot tahan if my spouse dont want to talk at all and expect me to not ask or talk about the issue anymore and move on just like that
5) he cried a couple of times when we had arguments due to this issue or when i say i want to leave him, unless he is a good actor, i take it that he did love me
6) currently, he will call me everyday when he reach office and before he leave office using office phone, to report to me where he is, no more OT and no more going out on his own on weekends
7) i am keeping all his credit and atm cards, he only has 10 dollar everyday to eat in office
8) i get to see his annual leave quota and leave application
9) i have his colleagues and team leader phone numbers so he knows i can ask them some questions if i need to verify things
10) his pay is transferred to my account from this month onwards and i have the access to see his bank account on transaction history
11) no more passcode on his phone, i can see his phone anytime i like. He doesnt use his labtop at home anymore. He used to surf sammyboy forum at night when i sleep to look for prostitutes. And he use his phone in office to surf also. I can verify at home but office i cant, i can only trust him. We previously install funamo on his phone to block sammyboy forum but recently the app is not working well so i can only trust he is not surfing anything in office.
12) i gave him an ultimatum. He just need to lie to me just once and i will leave him. In future, i will also do a post nuptial agreement. I may or may not arrange a polygrapg test in future also. It is costly and i am busy so i am not sure about polygraph yet but post nup i will surely get one in future.
Doing all these is tiring so i still advise you to leave your bf. For myself, due to children and of course for the above actions that he committed, i cant really leave yet. One thing you must remember, we will never forget what they did, so can you live happily with this memory? For me, i want to live with peace and at ease, i would choose sanity over this man.
Pardon me but you have become his mother, an overgrowth kid that cannot manage his demons. How long can this go on. Every person has their pride. My mum was a very paranoid woman and my dad basically for years had all these restrictions. When my dad's good friend passed on, it hit him hard. His friend was very much hen peck as well. When he passed on, his wife was still throwing insults and accusations about him. That was when my dad rebelled and really started womanising. My dad hid money from my mum and took loans from his credit accounts to sustain his lifestyle. Eventually, my folks were divorced, i chased my father out. He was bankrupted and I had to bail him out of bankrupcy by buying over his share of the apartment. I learnt his side of the story in his last few years of his life.
My folks past has a huge impact on me. I take care of my family but we manage our own finances and time. I do not want a woman to control me, neither do I control her. Its very impt for long term sustainability of a healthy relationship. Your partner is complying to all these because of his own guilt. But for how long?
You guys need to rebuild from scratch, these steps you took, could be the first mini steps. However, don't cling on them as assurances. It isn't. If a guy wants to cheat, he can and will. All the biz trips, where paid sex is just a fraction of its price locally, a full session in spa in KL will probably cost around 200+ ringgit. Doer able with just petty cash on a trip. He can always apply other credit cards sending statements to his office. At the end of the day, a person should change for the better because he/she understands it is important and beneficial for them.
About porn addition, you could research about them online. There are documentaries about the trend and how it is affected growing teens much more than grown men. He can surely get over porn addiction pretty fast if his sexuality isn't evolved from youth with paid sex. If he is all the long a serial brothel addict since his youth, his issue is a lot more deep rooted. He probably needs professional help than just your monitoring steps.
Pardon me but you have become his mother, an overgrowth kid that cannot manage his demons. How long can this go on. Every person has their pride. My mum was a very paranoid woman and my dad basically for years had all these restrictions. When my dad's good friend passed on, it hit him hard. His friend was very much hen peck as well. When he passed on, his wife was still throwing insults and accusations about him. That was when my dad rebelled and really started womanising. My dad hid money from my mum and took loans from his credit accounts to sustain his lifestyle. Eventually, my folks were divorced, i chased my father out. He was bankrupted and I had to bail him out of bankrupcy by buying over his share of the apartment. I learnt his side of the story in his last few years of his life.
My folks past has a huge impact on me. I take care of my family but we manage our own finances and time. I do not want a woman to control me, neither do I control her. Its very impt for long term sustainability of a healthy relationship. Your partner is complying to all these because of his own guilt. But for how long?
You guys need to rebuild from scratch, these steps you took, could be the first mini steps. However, don't cling on them as assurances. It isn't. If a guy wants to cheat, he can and will. All the biz trips, where paid sex is just a fraction of its price locally, a full session in spa in KL will probably cost around 200+ ringgit. Doer able with just petty cash on a trip. He can always apply other credit cards sending statements to his office. At the end of the day, a person should change for the better because he/she understands it is important and beneficial for them.
About porn addition, you could research about them online. There are documentaries about the trend and how it is affected growing teens much more than grown men. He can surely get over porn addiction pretty fast if his sexuality isn't evolved from youth with paid sex. If he is all the long a serial brothel addict since his youth, his issue is a lot more deep rooted. He probably needs professional help than just your monitoring steps.
So that means you let go of your bf who cheated? You let go because you cant trust anymore or you caught him again the second time?eh, just my piece of advice. it's better to leave him.
A man who visits the prostitue is only thinking for his own excitement instead of the consequences. I feel that every guy tends to look at other girls but that doesn't mean that they must go and f around. If there's once there's twice and thrice and so on.
even after you caught him and he seems to have change for a better, after a few months back to the same. furthermore are u able to accept the fact that when u are married or even when u are pregnant, he go out to f ard again?
also, how sure are u that u will not doubt him and be able to regain the trust back again? this is the crucial part.
not afraid to share with you but I thought I can forgive and forget my ex after he cheated on me but no.. I can forgive but I can never forget. I worry.. maybe there's a period when he's too busy to spend time with u, ur mind overthinks again. till then, after numerous disappointment, you will only learn to let go.
to let go early or not affect ur life in future as well.
Hi jam123, you are a very kind person and nice gf. I m more protective of myself so if the impact is on me alone then no matter what i will choose the safe way out for myself because i dont really trust people who lie to me.Thanks for sharing what happened and your thoughts. My bf also visited sammybabe website. I had to text the person to ban him because I was so upset. I know it's ultimately up to the individual's desire to cheat, not these websites but these avenues really caused a lot of relationships to be broken. My bf has been telling me he is learning and he wants to love me again. I'll be talking to him this weekend and see what he has got to say. I can never forget but I dunno if I should forgive and give him another chance. It's just like yellow ribbon, if we don't give ex-prisoners a chance to repent and condemn them, isn't that too much? I believe people who really wants to and is serious will repent somehow. It's all boiled down to individual isn't it?
I understand what you mean. I told him i cant do this in the long term too, i m not the one who force him to do all these, these are just his temporary actions to make me feel safe.
Anyway i prefer to just divorce and start afresh but children is what is holding me back. Its hard to decide to break the family nucleus for the children if my husband says he wants this fanily and is doing his part to show his commitment to want to stop.
Anyway, i hope what he says is true. He started reading errotic stories at a very young age and started to feel curious about females bodies. He started watching porn at age 14 and became addicted to sexual materials since then but he only masturbate. Till he met me at age 20, is the first time he has sexual experience. But his porn addition continues till when he was 29, he physically betray me during his team building retreat at phuket in the form of massages. Then it spiralled to prostitutes. Since young he also has compulsive habits of keeping females sexy photos he saw online and he confessed that he has the habit of intentionally using his elbow to touch another females elbow in public transport and he feels a little high. He also couldnt resist and attempt to touch my cousins thigh one xmas party night when she was drunk, but he quickly stop after he place his hand there for like few sec and felt guilty.
Firstly its hard for me to trust him because he didnt reveal everything from the day i discover flirty messages, it was only until i dig and find proof and keep questioning then story change abd more truth appear. Discovering truths in stages really spoil my trust system but according to him, he was scared to reveal all because he is afraid that i will leave him. But on the other hand, after he admitted that he might be an addict, he is the one who auto confess about his elbow incident and the guilt for touching my cousin without me asking. I m still not trusting and i am afraid of addicts, i m a strong believer that a leopard never change its spots, i guess thats why he had to do all these supervision actions to let me feel at ease for now.
I dont know about the future but i m just staying for now because i really dont know what to do.
He didnt blame it on porn. He just confessed to me what is wrong with him since young. Actually i also dont know what can he do, this is not anything like you have a cough and you see doctor take medicine to cure you.wow... he has major issues with his urges. I wouldn't blame it to porn at all. Most of us got access to porn some part of our lives for guys. Especially since internet boomed. I'm not going to pretend, as a guy, porn is part of my sexuality as well. Except, most guys used it as a tool for instant visual stimulus. We are well aware its not normal sex and its 2 seperate things. He is in fact not just fantasizing. He needs to act out, even when its against the law. Him intentionally brushing his arm on women, IS MOLEST. That's how serial killers are born after they pursue more intense excitement progressively.
I would advise that he seek professional treatment. He is a danger to himself and others if he cannot deal with his urges.
He didnt blame it on porn. He just confessed to me what is wrong with him since young. Actually i also dont know what can he do, this is not anything like you have a cough and you see doctor take medicine to cure you.
He says he starts this himself so he wants to end this himself too. He says it is all in his brain, he sets himself to think sexually in this manner. He access both porn and reads too much from sammyboy too much which affects him to normalise sex as just paid sex. Of vourse he admits that during the phuket trip, during the massage, his mind kept thinking of what he read from the forum and he got horny and ask for special massage. He succumb to his temptations. And after the first time, it all got spiralled downwards till actual sex with prostitutes already.
Yes i did straight forward tell him you are just like molester or pervert, he cannot bluff himself it was nothing anymore. He has to face it and see himself as one. Anyway he did say if he has problem stopping, he will seek professional help, he says he doesnt want to behave like a failure anymore .