Frustrated... Why can't my parents give me a peace of my mind?

missycher

New Member
My BF and I decided to plan for our wedding next year. We are 30 this year.


Some background on our families. My BF family and my family are not well to do yet alright for basic necessity. My BF parents are open minded not to have any banquet, encourage us to just ROM and save money on having a banquet.


I personally don’t like complicated arrangement so we have been looking around for a small place to hold a cosy banquet about 8-10 table and we found it. So I started to communicate to my parents. Dad was initially open-minded that he will only invite his cousin and not his siblings; I will explain at the end why is it so. Here comes the drama queen (mother) issue, I told her that I only intended to give her 1 table to invite her friends and try not to invite relatives. (I will elaborate more later why is it so). So my mother was angry stating that why she can’t invite her siblings, why she can’t invite her whole ‘village’ of friends giving me reason that her friends invited her to their children wedding and told her to invite them back in the future. (what logic?!?!?! Anyone can enlighten me?) Mind you, her ‘village’ of friends is like she has one group of singing friends, one group of line dance friends, one group of Community Centre WEC friends, one group of market drink kopi friends, at least 5 tables.


JFYI- My BF and I only wish to invite very close friends, not intending to invite colleagues etc, so both our friends will take up 1 table to 1.5 tables.


So my mother started to be ridiculous and said why I never discussed with her that I want to get married. She never want to discuss anything with me in my growing up phrase, suddenly she wanted to get involved when I want to get married? (What logic again?) Initially my dad is supportive on a small scale reception. But my mother is evil enough to brainwash my dad, in the end my dad come and quarrel with me that he want to invite all his siblings too.


My dad asked me how tables my BF is giving us. I said none, for the fact that the banquet will be paid equally by my bf and me. We shared the cost, we are perfectly fine to give a good treat to friends and close relatives not ungrateful ones. Mind you, we don’t come from rich background, you don’t expect my bf’s parent to sell away the house just to give a grand wedding? My dad said he has to invite his siblings even though all these year they don’t treat him like a brother, if he don’t invite, when he’s dead, it’s tough to give a reason to the ancestor (ARE YOU SERIOUS?) And here come the classic sentence you will hear in Taiwan drama. ‘Never mind, you are daughter, it’s like water being pour away, don’t want invite then don’t invite. Next time your brother married, no matter what have to invite everybody” *slow clap*


Some backgrounds on my relatives –


Father’s side-

My dad is the earliest brother who raises his siblings up but all the siblings are ungrateful and bullied me dad. Huge dispute happened among the uncles yet my dad became the scapegoat. Fine. Ever since my grandma passed away 5 years ago, we never see the relatives anymore. In Chinese tradition, the younger siblings will go to the eldest sibling house for visiting as a form of respect. Unfortunately, no call no visiting. It’s common, our family are not rich so all my uncles and aunts are not interested to connect with us. (mind you, my relatives are a bunch of realistic money minded people, they don’t care any kinship at all)


Mother’s side –

My mother is an duplicate of her mother. BIASNESS to the core. My maternal grandmother is an evil old lady who cursed my brothers and I to be knocked down by car and die. A lot of thing happened along the way, the 5 sisters 1 brother quarreled and turned against each other. The last time I saw my aunt during CNY is 4 -5 years back. Recently, surprisingly, the sisters get in contact again.


My take on my relatives is, if they are not sincere people who come to give the blessing, I don’t want them to come at all. I don’t want to be cursed by them for no reason.


Before you judge on my unfilially, please do read on.


My background – I was the eldest in the family with 2 younger brothers. I am also the one who is least respected and expected to contribute the most in the family. I was self-sufficient since 17 years old whereas my brothers can go for their full time university and slowly take their time to find a job, even after started working, it’s ok that they don’t give household allowance. Whereas, I was requested to be independent after my ‘O’s, I went to poly and work 8 hours/day (4pm to 12mn) daily just to make sure I earn enough to pay for my expense. After my 3 years local diploma, being a fresh grad I managed to land myself in a temp job to gain working experiences. Paying at $5/hr, getiing less than $1k +/- per month before CPF, she expected me to give $500 household allowance and I managed to negotiate to $300/ month.


Fortunately, I was thrifty and managed to save $10k after 2.5 years, to further studies for a part time degree. My mother knew about that and claimed that ‘nobody ask you to go study, you want to study, that’s your problem, I insisted my household allowance to be given to me’. My degree course cost me $30k, I didn’t take any loan and insisted on being extreme thrifty to ensure and paid it all during my 1.5 years of part time studying. I was earning less than $2k at that time, all my salary gone into my school fee. On the happiest note, I was at my skinnest at that time too!



My mother is bias to the core, she only dote on my brothers. Always threatened kick me out of the house so she rent the room out for more money. She scolded me whore and asked me to be whore to earn more money. However nobody knows this except my own family members. All my mother’s friends think and say that my mother is the best and doting mother to me. All are fake.


Some people reading the first part will feel that I am not filial to accommodate my parent request. All along, I think she is bias, despite that I made it an effort to bring my parents on a fully paid holiday every 2 years. What she wants, no matter how difficult it is, I tried to give her. Put yourself in my shoe, growing in such a negative environment and verbally abused by her and the family. Do you think I should accommodate anymore

I am soft hearted. Even I am mad at her, after a few days I will give in. But this time, it involve a huge sum of money and might get my bf and I in debt if we are going to accommodate her just to make her happy and princess on that day.


What will you do if you are me?
 


timeless

Member
Just ignore her,anyway it's your wedding, like what they say you are going to be married out of the house,so be it,if I were you I don't even bother to take care of them when they are old,though it's not good,just let their sons take care of them,they did not give you a good beginning why bother to let then have the happy ending.
 

ohmytego

Member
OMG my mum asked me the same question too!! About how many tables my bf is giving me! Its a really wtf qns because at this day and age, its very difficult to let the man shoulder the wedding expenses, unless marrying a rich man la, then of course let him pay all. For me I'm only inviting the elders/ adults, out of "respect". All the long-lost cousins, aunts and all I'm not inviting.

1 table good enough already. Be firm and tell them they have to contribute also if they wanna invite more.
 

kemise

Member
the worst part is when they start insulting your fiance.. saying nasty things like "incapable", "no money", "stingy", etc. when we don't want to give in to their request. But by and large, you've to tell them that this is your OWN wedding, and you are paying EVERYTHING from your own pocket.
 

dloreangel

Member
it's sucky. i faced the same issue with my parents. they were unhappy when i told them there's no giving tables anymore in our current sg. we, the couple, have to pay for everything and yet my parents are like that. in the end, it became ugly, as if i married a lousy husband. it's like hell with generation gap man..
 

Kohyw

New Member
Initially i faced the same issue as you. It was initially agreed for bride and groom to pay half half each. After numerous arguments with the parents, my fiance and i decided to give in because all the arguments are making everybody really unhappy.

Groom will pay their share, and bride side our share. I gave my parents the freewill to invite as many people as they want, on one condition, they pay for their friends to attend. Having said that, all the ang baos from the people they invite will go back to them too.

By the end of the day, its not just a day for the bridal couple. The parents raised you up and they want their friends and loved ones to witness this moment regardless of how the r/s is btwn them and their siblings. I try to stay out of the family discords and focus on being a happy bride. :) hope things will get better for you too..
 

missycher

New Member
thanks all for the kind words. My bf and I just booked a hotel function room that only allowed max of 12 tables for our wedding lunch next year. I hope at least this will restrict the village of people that my parents will want invite. I can't be bother to reason things out with them because they still have the very oldies mindset. keeping my fingers crossed everyday.
 

AceOfXF

Member
same. my mum wants my bf to pay for all and wants ang pow from my side tables. but i paid the deposit..

arguments i had were quite bad. cus both sides mum n bf blame me for the other party. like.. wtf.
 

missycher

New Member
same. my mum wants my bf to pay for all and wants ang pow from my side tables. but i paid the deposit..

arguments i had were quite bad. cus both sides mum n bf blame me for the other party. like.. wtf.

Has everything sorted out for you? *hugs* My bf was super mad with my mum, I didn't want to touch on the topics with my parents, just secretly start planning with my bf.
 

Jamietn

Member
same. my mum wants my bf to pay for all and wants ang pow from my side tables. but i paid the deposit..

arguments i had were quite bad. cus both sides mum n bf blame me for the other party. like.. wtf.
Same i also have the same issue and still pondering how to tell her that now the generation is different le..
both couples are the one to fork out the money and not the guy's side family...
 
My view is that nowadays the couple is both working, not fair that the guy pays everything. In our parents generation, the wife stays at home and does housework n look after kids, and she has no separate income, but not so common nowadays. My mum accepted this but luckily she wasn't insistent in the first pice. She just noted that usually the guy is expected to pay for all but also said its up to us and nowadays the situation is diff.
 

tsher

New Member
Same i also have the same issue and still pondering how to tell her that now the generation is different le..
both couples are the one to fork out the money and not the guy's side family...

You can also opt to not tell your parents you are splitting the cost. Just let them think he is paying for all. Sometimes a white lie is better than having all these arguments.
 

Jamietn

Member
If i dun tell them that i fork out too .. they insist of taking all my side 's ang pao and ask for alot of others things like biscuit and blah blah blah...
 

Minkishly

Member
I really hate those old school mindsets that the guy's side has to pay for the banquet. =.= However, I recently encountered a similar thing with my parents. My scenario is similar to missycher where my fiance's side will have very few people attending. Out of our 8 to 10 tables, they'll probably only be taking 3 (2 for family, 1 for my fiance's close friends) while my side takes the rest. Even splitting the cost 50/50 is more than reasonable, I would think, considering how many more tables are allocated to my side. Initially, my parents were agreeable. However, after attending the wedding of my childhood friend, they're been swayed in another direction.

My childhood friend and his wife's families are very traditional so his side ended up covering the entire cost of the banquet. Ever since then, my parents have dropped little hints and insinuations that they wished this could be the same case for us as well. I'm highly irritated, especially every time I try to speak out in fairness to my fiance, they end up upset that I'm being "overprotective" of him. (*internal scream*) It doesn't help that my childhood friend's mother often crows about how her son did the right thing because it's based on tradition and blah, bloody blah blah.

It's so maddening how they went from being so reasonable to being so.... urgh now. It's like they're succumbing to peer pressure or something. I love my parents a lot so I hope that this... phase (?) will be short lived and they'll be back to seeing reason again.

Hope everything is going well for everyone else in this thread. Money and family are such troublesome things - as if planning a wedding wasn't already hard enough!
 

missycher

New Member
If i dun tell them that i fork out too .. they insist of taking all my side 's ang pao and ask for alot of others things like biscuit and blah blah blah...

I totally agree with Jamietn! If my parents are understanding and reasonable, i'm fine not to tell them so as to build some 'face' for my boyfriend and his family. However the consequences of not telling like what Jamietn mentioned is a lot more worse than telling. To a large extend, i rather have an argument to make my stand clear rather than telling a white lie and got myself in an unknowingly debt that my HTB and me has to clear.
 

Jamietn

Member
At least i told my mum that we need to have a bank loan of 80k if it is at a hotel wedding dinner for my HTB and my wedding.. after that we will be paying back like crazy .. and alot of ppl told me that no one take bank loan for wedding .. but its too ex .. now my mum change of her mind ask insisted us to having in a resturant with ballroom and ask me how much must we be loaning from bank.. now i told her 40k .. she think is more reasonable .. lol.. and she dun wanna mention anymore on the ang pao and biscuit and rubbish .. which make me more worry..
 

missycher

New Member
At least i told my mum that we need to have a bank loan of 80k if it is at a hotel wedding dinner for my HTB and my wedding.. after that we will be paying back like crazy .. and alot of ppl told me that no one take bank loan for wedding .. but its too ex .. now my mum change of her mind ask insisted us to having in a resturant with ballroom and ask me how much must we be loaning from bank.. now i told her 40k .. she think is more reasonable .. lol.. and she dun wanna mention anymore on the ang pao and biscuit and rubbish .. which make me more worry..

OMG! You are going to have a grand wedding!!! 40k for restaurant is still a lot of money.
 

AceOfXF

Member
Has everything sorted out for you? *hugs* My bf was super mad with my mum, I didn't want to touch on the topics with my parents, just secretly start planning with my bf.
*HugZ* :) ya.. i paid 5k. the rest my htb pay and angpow for my side taken by my mum and rest will be all taken by my bf
 

naiyoucreamy

Active Member
*HugZ* :) ya.. i paid 5k. the rest my htb pay and angpow for my side taken by my mum and rest will be all taken by my bf

Im considered pretty lucky. We r also not well to do. But hb side gave us 6 tables.. i fork out 4 tables.. angpow my dad din really wanna take so he only took 4k out of the 6 tables..
 

Jeannie Chuan

New Member
Is your wedding, only invite those people that will you give you blessing. You will have more headache and quarrel if you are holding a banquet because when it come to arranging seat and table there will be argument. Good luck
 

Joes

Member
Personally, I had the same experience as missycher.
To conclude, my mother is a narcissist. (You can read about it the psychology part on how these people behave).

I had to support my own studies for Degree and I had a younger brother whom I supported his polytechnic fee as well. (Even thou my family is capable enough to pay his school fees). I had done my best and supported the family in any ways that I could.

And so, our wedding is also planned on a small scale. Fortunately, my father being the reasonable and stubborn one was kind to me to allow me get married in a very simple manner. His only request was to invite his siblings and family. So it was fine. As for my mother's side, I told them (openly) that since my mother had a very bad relationship with her siblings, I am not going to invite anyone. And if anyone from her side questioned her, I had provided her the alternative - They can come and ask me why. That way, it solved her from complaining of not inviting the siblings.

However, since my wedding was not benefiting her in any ways, she started being unreasonable. Such as mentioning the "loan" that I took from her to do my Diploma and making false accusation of some other monetary agreement that we had. To summarize, she was just trying to drain money out from me in other ways. She also tried to persuade my father that we should have banquet and etc (higher cost). But luckily, my father dote me and decided to let me have it my way.

So missycher, what will I do if I am you?
I will go ahead as usual with the plans that you and your BF had. Ultimately, when both of you get married/have kids/buy house - it's the two of you to build it. Not your parents or his parents. You just have to be very firm with what you want and not get swayed. I know its not easy to say 'No' to them (I also had difficulty doing it) but that's how it is.
 

rubyong

New Member
Omg really sorry to hear what you have been through. Nowadays aunties are very irritating sometimes. It's like daughter gets married also want to compare like go which hotel ah, the ring how big / expensive, guys side give how many tables. Seriously if they ask to invite their friends and relatives despite it is supposedly your wedding, tell them to pay their fair share for the tables. Don't expect the daughter to pay for them and invite those people whom the bride doesn't even know.

I understand your frustration. I read until I also pek chek. Hope your life will be better. Maybe you can talk it nicely and act pitiful to your parents? (lol, try the softer approach, maybe it works).

Anyways, hope things will be better for you. :)
 
I also have a similar circumstance. Sometimes i feel its just the elderly parents who have unrealistic expectations. In my case, they want to invite their village of friends, just so that they can 'have face' at the wedding, not knowing that it is at the cost of children's finances. Think of it, whats the use to marry grand and then make the couple suffer with a big debt at the start of a marriage? I do not think this is a good way to give their blessings. At the end of the day, its just their unrealistic expectations. No doubt it has resulted in some arguments and quarrels, so its also like a love-hate relationship. Haiz.
 

yumi928

New Member
Last time parents can invite a lot of people also because last time chinese restaurants are not as expensive as compared to hotels nowadays. Think parents will want to earn a bit from the banquet since they have the traditional thinking of daughter married out already.

missycher, hope everything would be resolved soon for you and be a happy bride :)
 

missycher

New Member
Thanks everyone! In the end, we gave in to my mum's request and gave her whatever number of tables she wants. At least she mentioned the angbao will be returned to us so at least the losses will be reduced. From now till my AD, i'm keeping my finger crossed that my mum's friend will not fly her aeroplane on my AD.
 

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