Financial Problems

[pinkfairy08]

Both my fiance and I are planning for our wedding to be held in end of year this year. Before planning for the wedding stuff, we did discuss that we should spent within our means and both of us will help one another on the expenses. My fiance had told me he had set aside around $50 k for the wedding stuff erc.
However now that we are towards the final lapse of planning, he always show his temper and commented why I can't chip in certain expenses which I did and plan out the spreadsheet where I had helped to fork out at least half with my parents helping us.
On the other hand, I told him we could just have a buffet dinner to save cost etc however he mentioned that he did not want to disappoint his family, knowing his dad has ego etc and want face family. So i let him be as he himself have huge male ego and mentioned if we bride side help him fork out he can't lift up his head.

However, the real story is after he bought s hdb through the single scheme before knowing me, he had spent quite a substantail amount on COV, house reno and fengshui matters.
I wonder does his family know he is forking out everything etc, as Guo Da Li items and pin Jin, he is paying all alone. My parents are angry and did not want anything from them since he no means to pay etc but yet hiding from his family in order not to disappoint them.
I am vexed etc and parents see there is a need to let his parents know this matter if not we will always quarrel over this matter over and over again. Pls help!

 

[snowbell09]

You will make matters worse by telling his parents since his ego so big.

And btw, how did your parents know whether he got means to pay or not?

 

[pinkfairy08]

well, he told my parents and I we look down on him poor etc when i tried to discuss our plan for expenses etc at my house.

So my parents mentioned to him we can discuss further say anything unhappy can share. But he kept quiet. On the surface he is a very quiet person in front of his family. In front of me and my parents, he can lose his cool over matters like this can claimed I forced or pressurise him which I did not as I fork out a lot of my savings for wedding and household things.

I not too sure is he really tight and with his huge ego still intend to keep paying and paying for other things which I dont know.

 

[miloice]

he is chip of the old block, he lament about his dad's ego and he is exactly the same. Your kids will model him as well in future. Seriously, do you know what you are getting into? If you are happy being the supportive little woman, expect to deal with such problems for many years to come. A marriage is intended to last a lifetime, so, you have to deal with it that long.

The reality isn't that rosy, imho. Its your life your call. Only you know what you need and want to be happy.

 

[NataDesCoco]

"My fiance had told me he had set aside around $50 k for the wedding stuff erc."

I'm sorry I don't understand. You mean to say he had $50k and it was still not enough for your wedding? In which case I'd say wow, that's one expensive wedding.

Or did you mean he claimed he had $50k but now it doesn't look like he has enough money which is why he's bitching about you not chipping in?

Sadly, money is always the biggest issue in a relationship. You have to figure out how to talk about it instead of skirting the issue. The planning of the wedding is the earliest point in which you will know whether or not you have the same concept of money. At this I say that you better sit down with him and talk it out. As a man with an ego, he's going to be really defensive about this but you cannot back down. Know that you will be marrying him and if you don't work out this problem, imagine if you have kids next time. Money will become a constant source of conflict.

 

[miloice]

Frankly, 50k isn't a lot at all. Unless, that is budget only for the banquet alone.
Even 10 years ago, when everything cost less, we depleted much of our savings. From wedding bands, renovations, photography, tailoring of the gown etc, all are substantial amounts. Nothing left for honeymoon. It was a surprise trip that brother in law gave use to Bangkok.

The tables of 12 were costing around 1.2k each then, now likely to be significantly higher. Probably at least 1.4k range.

Always spend within your means. Not more. It will be foolish to be in debt for marriage.

 

[NataDesCoco]

In TS case I don't think house and renovations are included in the budget because she's only talking about the banquet. So if it's just the typical table costs, wedding bands, Prewedding package and photographers for actual day, 50k is a lot. Especially more so if TS says she has also been chipping in, that's why I am confused as to why her HTB is bitching at her.

 

[pinkfairy08]

Hi, just to clarify,

the $5ok is he told me he will set aside for the wedding preparations. thus far, he had paid for bridal package, minor house reno which amount to approx $13k exclude banquet. however lately cos of guo da li and Pin Jin and maybe some other his own family wedding expenses which I not known of. which can add up to more amount.

I had helped to chip in for all household appliances, wedding vendors on actual day and other small items stuff which also amount to roughly $15k and more.

However, he keep said I pressure him which I did not as I even volunteer to help in banquet but even that we can recover some expenses from the ang bao etc. So I not too sure where his expenses had gone to for the wedding stuff.

He also mention he can help pay banquet and my honeymoon but after wedding I need help to chip in etc. I presume he did not want to disappoint his family so mostly whatever expenses he help to chip in even though he is facing difficulties but dare not let them know. but here I am the one being shouted at etc.

 

[miloice]

yes, what I read is that this 50k is somehow expected to cover all aspects, which may seems unrealistic. There are lots of hidden costs. The issue here is not so much finances, but your partner's pride and reaction to stress. When you start a family or when parents fell ill or in some crisis needing cash and time, you can expect him to react very much this manner as well. Unless, he reflect and learn. The problem with prideful people, they blame others than learn from the episode. This is why I'm telling you, you need to realize what you are getting into. Your life your call.

 

[leemei04140414]

Well I had a similar problem. We both agreed to chip in together n have a simple rom with around 80 guests only. But his side of guests roll up till 140 alone n he started blaming me that I wanna bridal photoshoot and etc.. but its not as though I will not be paying. The last straw was he was mad at me bcos I wanted to choose a wedding band that cost $999. Well of cos,we did managed to sort out everything minus my ring and he promised to get me a nicer ring when we are after this wedding "crisis".

 

[leemei04140414]

Anyway, I understand that its v stressful. And I think if you could help him with as much as u can. It will relieve his burden. When they are super stressed, they will just flare up at us. My hubby to be is still nagging me about certain issues,less than before but at least, we did iron out the problems abit..

 

[leemei04140414]

In TS case I don't think house and renovations are included in the budget because she's only talking about the banquet. So if it's just the typical table costs, wedding bands, Prewedding package and photographers for actual day, 50k is a lot. Especially more so if TS says she has also been chipping in, that's why I am confused as to why her HTB is bitching at her.

Actually my hubby was v stressed also bcos he wants to get a resale flat immediately,but I can wait for bto.. amyway, we kind of shifted off the idea and he is much relaxed now

 

[miloice]

Anyway, I understand that its v stressful. And I think if you could help him with as much as u can. It will relieve his burden. When they are super stressed, they will just flare up at us. My hubby to be is still nagging me about certain issues,less than before but at least, we did iron out the problems abit..

Its only a wedding, so many people went through that. Yes, stressful, we deal with stress throughout life, that's how we learn. If we blame others when stressed and expect others to bail us out, we are like children winding and expecting our parents to sayang. By enduring and not helping him to deal with his personality issues, it grows the abuse.

 

[dalala_girl]

Ego or pride can make or break a marriage. Like the others said, you have to think carefully before marrying this guy. This is only the start, it's just a wedding preparation and he is already acting in this way. Can you handle this?

some men are very egoistic but I think that they don't realise that singaporean women are pretty independant nowadays. However, if your love for him can overcome this ego problem of his, it should not be a problem.

as for the wedding, if money is really an issue, why not opt for a cheaper alternative? having a grand banquet doesn't neccessaily means you will enjoy yourself (although if this is to feed the egoism, they will feel proud for the moment). Instead, you might enjoy more and remember all the details of the banquet if it's a small affair.

 

[miloice]

Forgive me for being harsh, it is hurting each time to hear from sister and close friends on how egoistic and selfish their husbands are and how they are stuck in the marriage with kids and everything. So, with at all the clear signs from the beginning, please remove any fairy tale hopes you have about him changing. No one will change unless they reflect and realize their issues and understand its for their own good to improve. Be completely aware of what you are getting into.

 

[bearine]

Hi BTB, I'm holding my wedding at the end of the year too. I know is pretty late to downscale anything, as they are probably all booked. But do make sure that you do not incur any additional cost. Do a monthly excel planning, for me is very useful, esp. when it comes to shopping. Do the financial planning together, so both party are fully aware of this situation, and come up with solution. My htb will be paying the pin jin and guo da li stuff as well. Actually, it is included in our budget. Will only ask for our parents for help as the last resort.

But it is kind of strange of your htb paiseh in front of his parents, and not the in-law. I believe it is not healthy too, in future pretty sure you will dig out this topic to quarrel again. Does your htb knows exactly what are his parents' expectation or is he coming up with those himself? PS. I do that, cos my parents have no idea what to request. I had to make sure it is proper at least, of cos within our means.