Desperately need advice...

[Littletreatz]

I'm a single parent with one kid, and have been in a relationship for two years with my current boyfriend.

Now we are in the stage of talking about marriage. The thing is, his father is suffering from dementia, and he asked if I am able to take care of his father after marriage. I have a full time job which is paying quite well.

I'm in dilemma. I love him but I'm not sure if I can take up the responsibilities of taking care of his father. He also has a mother who is staying in nursing home. I seriously don't know what the future holds for me?

Should I give up this relationship? Or take up the proposal?

 

[dreylan]

Hire a maid?

 

[verysadguy]

Just stay together first. If really cannot take care of her dementia father, just give up the relationship.

 

[Littletreatz]

Due to his busy work schedule, he said most of the time including weekends, I may have to stay hm to look after the father, which I somehow dun really wan to. but to give up the relationship is a pity..

 

[verysadguy]

I can assure you that if you rush into marriage without knowing what the future holds, it would be more difficult for you as well as him. Don't enter into marriage without knowing what the future holds. Marriage is only a piece of paper but it is a lifetime commitment. You can try cohabiting with him first.

 

[rainz]

He propose is to find someone to look after his dad or cos he really wants to marry you? The way he put it doesnt sound right

 

[life_is]

Try first. Good that he cares for his father. If you really cannot cope, hire a maid? Also, ask him what you need to do to 'take care' of his father.

He also has to take care of your kid, and is taking a big risk marrying you. Both have to have enough faith for this to work.

 

[Littletreatz]

I've this doubt too..whether he's marrying me to have someone look after his dad. And seriously I'm not looking forward to this kind of life..

 

[life_is]

I don't think he is just marrying you to have someone look after his dad. Perhaps he is worried that you will not want to stay with his dad after marriage. After all, he could always hire a maid instead of getting married. The odds are stacked against men in any marriage, and it takes a leap of faith to even suggest it. Have a discussion with him to find out what his real intentions are.

 

[sadman2009]

Did he say he will have to work even on weekends?
That would also mean that he won't have time for you not to say be able to spend time together your kid. And I don't think in this situation there is a chance of carrying his child and is not advisable too.
With such, I don't think you should continue. Or may be you can suggest to him to hire a maid and see what's his response. With his response, you decide what is BEST for YOU and YOUR CHILD!

 

[bluefire1983]

I've this doubt too..whether he's marrying me to have someone look after his dad. And seriously I'm not looking forward to this kind of life..

It's quite clear to me that he is marrying you, at least in part, to have someone to look after his dad, which is selfish in my opinion. Who is currently looking after his dad? Why can't that person (maid or relative or whoever) continue to look after his dad after you marry?

You have your child to think about too - if he expects you to stay home to look after his dad, is he willing to fully support you and your child? Surely the cost of hiring a maid is less than your lost income opportunity by continuing your current job?

Big red flag the size of a parachute. No point cohabiting. Run while you can!!

 

[Littletreatz]

He said I can continue to work but I also need to look after his dad if he's working. Currently his sister is looking after but his thinking is he's the son and should take on this responsibility.

 

[dogtag73]

I think you have already made the decision, you will be unhappy even if you accept the proposal.
When love run deep and thick, anything also can....once its come to reality of life, flip mood faster than flip boat.
my advise before u jump into this boat
since both of you are working , i dont think it will be hard to hire a helper to solve this problem.

 

[sadman2009]

Suggest to him about getting a helper, in this way, the helper can also help to cook for your kid together with his dad.

 

[Littletreatz]

Thanks guys..at least now I've a clearer mind. I will have to give the matter a serious thought. Whether it's worth for me to take this big step..

 

[rainz]

Don't regret ur decision once made. Whatever it is, I will think that ur kid should be ur pirioty and he needs to understand this. If he really loves you then he will sure be able to compromise with other options like hiring a helper.

He sound a little traditional to me such that son have to look after old age parents. Traditional guys are really hard to deal with. .. sigh~

 

[Pink_clover]

Pls think carefully first before u commit, cos it's really a big decision u r taking. Personally, I wouldn't think its advisable especially when u have a kid to look after. Yr weekends will be prob sacrificed to stay at home instead of bringing yr kid out for activities and or enrichment classes. Not being selfish here, but unless u can make good arrangement to handle both his dad care issue ( alternate between his sis and you for example) it will not be fair to u, cos yr kid should still be yr first priority. Otherwise, I might foresee a lot of resentment and unhappiness . Just my 2cents worth..

 

[Littletreatz]

Thanks Pink_clover, rainz and guys...

It's been a tough week pondering this issue and I have sorted out my thoughts.

Yes, I've come a long way in raising up my kid alone, and I certainly do not want to lose my kid. If I cannot live a life that I want with this guy, I see no point in carrying on the relationship which will lead to marriage. Everything seems to favour him and not me in the long run. I would have lead a better life alone with my kids than get into this marriage thing.

 

[lonely_desire78]

He propose is to find someone to look after his dad or cos he really wants to marry you? The way he put it doesnt sound right

I also felt his objective sounds questionable too. Might as well get a maid??

 

[lonely_desire78]

Thanks Pink_clover, rainz and guys...

It's been a tough week pondering this issue and I have sorted out my thoughts.

Yes, I've come a long way in raising up my kid alone, and I certainly do not want to lose my kid. If I cannot live a life that I want with this guy, I see no point in carrying on the relationship which will lead to marriage. Everything seems to favour him and not me in the long run. I would have lead a better life alone with my kids than get into this marriage thing.

Sis,

You do not need to give up your kid. Single mum will do ok too. Jiayou.

Do what is best for yourself and your kid.

 

[miloice]

Depends on what he means by taking care of the parents. Instead of assuming anything, have a talk with him and align the kind of expectations. Helpers cannot replace us in the lives of our parents. The helper will help in the cleaning, cooking and helping our folks to move around but we need to accompany them, talk and spend time with them, listen to their nagging & rants, they need to feel our presence and care for them. If you partner wants you to spend time with his parents together with him, I think its a pretty reasonable request. Of course, it will depend on how difficult and abusive his folks can be.