Desparate to save marriage.

[lost1978]

Hi all,
Been married for more than 3 years. Wife found out that I did something very wrong but stayed together for sake of baby. I know my mistake and there can be no escuses. For more than 3 years have been doing everything to show that I have realised my mistake including stopping of all entertainment and going home straight after work, staying home or accompany her on my off days and faithful. We did not have sex for more than 3 years so thats how long I have abstained from sex. Wife got a short temper when I know her so I can live with it. Its her treating me like a stranger most of the time that I cannot take it. Seldom talk. When I try to talk to her, most of the time she will flare up. Sometimes I thought I am making progress in mending the marriage but when we quarrel, its like doomsday. Its like taking a step forward and 20 stepa backwards. I realised that I have been a fool and a b****** when I commited the mistake. I have been making amends since. However, I also realised that I cannot wait forever and have to move on either way. I have my needs as well and I think I am reaching my limits of control. Desparately need help to find ways to save my marriage for the last time. Divorce.is the last resort which I really do not want to go to.

 

[scopefun]

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[powder]

dude,

if u have done your best to make amends and stuff, and if she's gonna be punishing u for a lifetime... then u have to look at the marriage and decide if this is what it SHOULD BE.

problem is u dun know When she will snap out of regurgitating your mistake and revolving the future around your grave mistake. even criminals know how long they would be in jail. it's tough to not know how long u have to pay a penalty... that itself is a huge penalty.

without forgiveness there can't really be place for love... this would not be a case of Who was wrong First... that period should have been past and put behind.

problem with most pple in this world, is that they tend to dabble and stay too long fixated on problems, without actually moving into the solution stage. perhaps most pple like to 'serial-ize' their lives and live like their life was a drama... i find this happening abit with some pple... sadly, mostly ladies.

it would be unfortunate for your kid to be without a happy family... but whether u guys are together or not, the happiness is not something both of u are mutually working on. this takes 2 hands, doesn't it?

in cases like these... i personally would give myself and wife a timeline to decide if we can go on. if not, then we should both move on... IF 2 pple can no longer be together, then dun be together for the sake of it... If u no longer can share a life in marriage thru highs and lows, excitement and discovery and sorrow... it isn't much of a marriage either.

your kid becomes a convenient excuse for not having the courage to move on.

pls note my post is ore for things for u to think abt, going forward.

it is not abt how to save your marriage, but your life and future.

 

[pinkydollie]

maybe u try to have a good talk with ur wife.. if she cannot forgive and forget whatever that has happened earlier on then its time u consider a divorce.. it may seems a difficult choice but i believe u love her and want the best for her and baby right?? maybe when u are willing to let go of everything, she will realise how important you are to him and there is still a chance to salvage? =)

 

[infojunkie]

tough dealing with women who bear grudges...

there will be no end and no one is spared the wrath...

and u wonder when u're gonna stop getting this shit...

emotionally draining

 

[soisuka]

When a woman loses her trust in you, it will take a very very very long time to get it back. I'm assuming you've already done the I'm so sorry I will change dialogue 3 years ago? She may have forgiven you but she just simply cannot forget.

I'm guessing every time she flares up is because she remembers what you did and can't trust what you're saying or doing. Although 3 years is a long time.....

Without trust, a woman's imagination can run amok, even if you open communication lines and tell her where and when, you do what go where, she can still find loopholes in your statement (whether real or perceived).

So really ur option here is to be the devoted, repentent, sweet and caring husband and go to all lengths to remove any doubts that she has. Even if you have to take extreme measures....as to how hmm...go figure. Even if she believes you're not doing that stupid thing now, she's probably thinking when you will again.

And btw just what stupid thing did you do?

I would suggest alot alot alot of communication, it doesn't have to be all about the stupid thing, although it helps for her to know why you did that stupid thing, even certain details.

Lets put it this way, you hurt her, but if she doesn't know where you hurt her, how can she and the relationship heal?

So talk more, let her know what you're thinking, ask her what she is thinking about, date her like before you got married. If all else fails....pls go for counselling.

 

[soisuka]

Just a note, unless you're a serial offender, otherwise I believe it takes 2 to make a mistake, it could be something that she does that makes you want to do that stupid thing and vice versa. So if this is your case, you need to lay everything out and find out why. Its not an excuse for ur behavior, but it helps you both to know how to prevent it.

However if you are a serial offender, then the problem is entirely yours, get help!

 

[lost1978]

I have tried giving myself a timeline but it does not work because evrytime we had a quarrel and it was really intense, I told her to leave if she wants to, but in the end I could not bear to let her go. Btw she is a foreigner. She has a very short fuse. And I am not a serial offender. Once is enough in my marriage.

 

[soisuka]

Then there are probably unresolved issues and doubts that she is not telling you. Is she with you because she still loves you or because she thinks its best for the baby? Her feelings of love for you can be less or be repressed if she still feels hurt. (that could be her defence system). I think you guys really need to have a heart to heart talk about how u feel towards each other. She isn't leaving you're not letting her go, figure out why. Hopefully its because you still love each other

 

[miloice]

hi there, a person with a short fuse will not become patient overnight. You cannot change each other. However, you guys can learn to manage it with positive behavior patterns to influence each other. Normally someone with a short fuse also have a very quick recovery timing (I mean the recovery from mood swings NOT strained relationships). So, pulling away instead of fighting it out during conflicts will probably minimize the damages and hurts caused to both parties.

I have no advise to savage your marriage or undo any of your mistakes. However, learning to manage your conflicts and minimize resentments from them would probably help you guys cope with the differences. Conflicts is normal in every marriage and relationship. We need to progressively manage it. But, infidelity surely strain it, something many relationships would not survive. So, don't pin so much hopes.

 

[soisuka]

I'm curious....what does her being a foreigner gotta do w anything? Unless you dun trust her either? Honestly, without a clear view of what happened 3yrs ago, its really hard to give u advice.

Maybe think abt the best time in ur rs and is that something that is enough to last u a life time

 

[cococherry]

Majority of the women are soft hearted animals, thats why you can also see many soft hearted wivies asking for marriage advices here too.
For a woman to be this hard hearted, she must have hated you very much. It could be either you have not done enough, done too much that backfired you or there's an agenda behind.

What were both of you arguing about?
When you mentioned that she is foreigner, what exactly are you trying to hint?

 

[infojunkie]

u know what to do, and refuse to do it.

honestly, nothing positive will come out of this...

in order to move forward in life, something gotta give ok?

or adjust ur expectation and make do with what u hv

 

[lost1978]

I state that she is a foreigner as I need to know in the event of divorce at the last resort, what will be the implications? Is the procedures same as with a married citizen?

 

[lost1978]

Basically very small stuffs. She would flare up with some hurtful words that it a nerve and i lost control with words back. But I am always the one who apologise to her even though I think that she may be overboard. Normally where would one go for marriage counselling?

 

[sadly_confused]

Hi Lost and Hopeless..

All is not lost & hopeless....

Think of your child, if the 2 of you continue like this, your child will be the one affected and suffering.. So, you will have to come to a point where you gauge if divorce is a better option to move forward..

& let me guess, your wife is from china??

 

[lost1978]

Nope. From Thailand. After trying to talk to her earlier, I seems to have lost all hope. She is talking about renting a room and moving out. Its a burden for her on the rental as she is not earning much as an admin. I am thinking of taking up an overseas posting so she can still stay at my place. But the downside is I can only see my child 30 days a year. The thought of it is breaking my heart and I am missing her already. Haiz :-(

 

[60secs]

Book a surprise trip with her to Platinum Fashion Mall in Bangkok, accompany her for the whole afternoon without complaining about aching legs/boredom. Your problem will be resolved after this ordeal.

 

[lilyho85]

see a counsellor. it helped for me. when the wounds are still there, it's difficult to talk openly with each other without a neutral person's help. either she will clam up or u will clam up when discussing the sensitive topics.

 

[matka]

Lost and Hopeless, you might want to consider this program "Retrouvaille" for troubled marriages.

http://www.helpourmarriage.sg/program.htm

Some info from the website:

"The Retrouvaille Program consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 12 post-weekend topics held over 6 weekly sessions. It provides the tools to help put your marriage in order again. The main emphasis of the program is on communication in marriage between husband and wife. It will give you the opportunity to rediscover each other and examine your lives together in a new and positive way.

What the Program is not.
It is not a retreat, marriage counseling, marriage self help or a sensitivity group. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussions on the weekend. It is not a time for hurting; it is a time for healing.

Who is it for?
It is for couples with marital problems including those who are considering marriage separation and those who are already separated or divorced that want marriage help.

Some couples come to Retrouvaille during the initial signs of marriage problems. Other couples are in a state of despair and hopelessness when they attend the program. These latter couples often consider the Retrouvaille program their final option.

Many lawyers and judges send couples to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to filing for a divorce or rendering final decisions. Many marriage counselors send their clients to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to marriage counseling. These professionals know that the tools of communication in marriage taught in the program are often what couples need."

Please note that while this program is Catholic in origin, there is no evangelising. It welcomes couples of all faiths, atheists and agnostics included.

 

[lost1978]

Thanks for all the advice. Will follow through and see what happens. Right now I can just hope for the best but plan for the worst. Thanks all.

 

[sweet_40]

It is a good idea to approach marriage counselors for help. Your wife had been deeply hurt n she need help to forget abt the past so she can move on to the future.

Once she achieve that I believe it will b a new beginning for your family. Cherish it.

 

[jenny_lim]

don't always look up counselor as miracle workers. Whether marraige will work or not depend on the husband and wife

 

[katsigner]

I guess the most important thing is whether does your wife still loves you. True love can transcend everything. Things will work out when there is love between the both of you.

Some women are just not that gracious and want to accept the fact their men had cheated on them. What your wife is reacting could be a way to keep you by your side. She might be in fear to forgive you and move on just simply because she's afraid you might cheat on her again if she allow herself to forgive you.

Every action there is a consequence, and no matter what the consequence is there must be a closure. If you had not truly admitted to your mistake and make her understand why this had happened, it can be hard for her to accept you again. Realization is good but never enough. You will need to give her the assurances verbally and via action. What you did has to reciprocal; she has to accept what you have done and regain the faith in you.

 

[whitewindy]

Your wife can forgive but will never forget what you have done to hurt her so deeply.

What I can advise is that talk to your wife and ask her is this the kind of life she wants? To remain sad till death or till you die?

If she really loves her child then she should stop thinking negatively and you got to prove her that u have change for the better.

Does she wants her child to grow up in a single family?

Ask her what she wants in life coz we humans cannot turn back time and the time would not stop for anyone. If she's going to stay in her sorrow her child grows up and be vengeful like her is this what she wants?

Tell her life is short. When u die will she be happy?

If she truly loves her child then she should be brave and move on.

There are people out there worst situation than her. She is not the only one who is pitiful.

At least u r willing to change and not abandon her.

Tell her to live her life to the fullest.

It all depends on her.

 

[starshar85]

life is too short.... move on

 

[djgemz]

Find out, what's her love language?
Some examples are,
1. Quality time - talking is optional, but doing an activity together is a way of bonding that she treasures.
2. Encouraging words - she takes what you say seriously, so positive words can lift her mood
3. Act of service - Doing something for her makes her very touched and appreciative.
4. Physical touch - She longs for a hug or holding of hands?
5. Gifts - She keeps items given to her that she treasures? This could be a key to open her heart.

You can probably observe from the way she treats your child.

I suggest this method to melt the ice between you both first, because I think you realise and are already trying to make the communication work.