missy tan,
to tell the truth, you're not alone in this world.
to date, I'm married for 5 years. And, to date, technically speaking, i'm still a virgin.
my husband had been insulting me, my parents etc (alot of family issues here), and refused to consummate.
i tot, fine. it's ok with me.
Then when he finally want to try, he can't even do it. what a joke.
And he pushed all blame to me. saying i'm too fierce blah blah.
his mum blamed me for everything. And i just blurt out - angered - He can't. understand? The doctor said I'm perfectly healthy and all right. Get it?
that made her so offended that till now, for 3 years, i've never step into her house.
when the time comes.. the mother instinct kicks in, i needed a baby soo much - I got myself a dog.
yes. that's my baby now - a dog.
but no, we've not tried any form of conceiving. Because he said i'm not fit to be a mother.
who is he to say that?
his 'woes' go all the way back to the customary night 5 years ago. He said i said something hurtful and he remembered till now.
Good lord. i don't even remember what i said, nor do i bear grudges to many matters.
and.. i'm facing everything alone. Nobody is with me in this. Everyone who knows, just tell me to quit.
i didn't walk out/divorce/annual marriage yet because, to me, having a marriage or not, makes no difference now. At this age, i'm tired. My stamina is too low to be a mother as well.
if i walk out, i'll probably be devoting my whole life to work, and my religion.
now, when he thinks of initiating, my only answer is "You sure you know how to do it?" what a joke.
and I'm the one now, who's tired of everything. I would be the one that push him away. "I want to sleep. I've got to work tomorrow. Don't come near me."
Why? Maybe because, I'm sick of all these. Or, i'm used to the old way of living. whatever it is, i don't really care anymore.
even if we were to go to the lawyer tomorrow, so be it.
I've reached the point where i'm completely immune to his nonsense. when he says "I could have had a dozen children by now if i weren't married to YOU."
My answer "Go ahead. As if you could. Go ahead. see if i bother."
worse than yours, mine will physically hit me.
but too bad - i'm from a violent family. So, i won't lose out as well.
And the police had come several times.
maybe it's true, when ppl say women tend to marry someone similar to their father. In my case - violence and male chavunist.
at least you know before your marriage. I knew everything only after the marriage.
that's why i said in my earlier post, think what you really want, do the way you want it to be.
but you need to be very cool headed when you make your decisino. Not on impulse.
I was once suicidal. But not anymore.
So, the mad/suicidal stage will pass. But you've got to handle them really carefully or it's going to cost you your health or even worse - life.
