Correct answer to a tricky question..

L

little_ms_naughty

New Member
Hi all,

Can anyone give a 'correct answer' to the follwing question, posted to us during pre-martial counselling before my AD..

The counsellor cum Preacher asked if we would still stay in the marriage should you find out that your spouse is HIV positive.

We were in a class of 4, which means that there was another couple in the class.

So the Preacher, a single woman, in her 50s asked me for the answer first.

(when we first started with the couselling, we were shocked that she was the one who will be doing the counselling for us, depite the fact that there was another Assistant Pastor, who was married with grown up & married kids.. Nonetheless, we decided that it does not neccessary mean that you have to be married, to qualify to do marriage couselling... But we turned out to be 'wrong')

So i thought for a while, & replied NO, & continued to explain my answer.

I eplained that i can tolerate anything & everything else except the cheating part, because, to me, if you love someone, you won't want to cheat & hurt his/her feelings.

I continued that, i would certainly & not hesitate to honour my vows if he was to be struck with cancer/stroke/crippled in an accident or whatsoever.

To my horror, she went & feedback to my Pastor (after the session) that she thought that i was childish not ready for marriage!!!!

My pastor, came to me & gave me 2 options.

1) To postone my wedding

2) If i insist to go ahead with the wedding, he won't be doing the ceremony for us..

He dropped me that bomb when my AD was less than 2 months away!!!

I thought to myself... Isn't the couselling session made for couples who are walking into marriage, to be more open, honest to each other???

I could have lied & said that i will still love him no matter whether he was HIV positive or not, just to get it over & done...

I was just being true & open.. Is there anything wrong with the answer???

Would i then be 'ready' for the marriage???

How & what do you define as being ready or not??

The next 5 weeks or so was a roller-coaster ride for us, as we nearly had to cancel the banquet & pay the compensation for last minute cancellation.

Anyway, thank God that, after many people prayed earnestly for us, the wedding went on very smoothly, with the Pastor's blessing...

Phew~~~
 


the counsellor is such a moron to an extent that i doubt if your story is true.

if your partner caught HIV, it means that he had fun outside of marriage. he has dishonoured the marriage by committing adultery, which is religious grounds for divorce.

then she went behind your back to badmouth you to another pastor, and the pastor came back to you with ultimatum.

now where is the counselling element? there is none whatsoever. it is just people dropping by to stuff commands down your throat.

this is thoroughly absurd.

seriously, is your story a joke or what?
 
its true..

when i shared it with my friends, they laughed also...

Sigh... thats y i don't talk to the counsellor now.. But week after week, she'll come up & chat with me on Sundays, where i almost always gives one word answer to her... Yes, no, thanks, etc..
 
Funny question. how about asking if you discovered your spous is a devil from hell, or some vampire or undead monster, will u stay in the marriage....
 
i was really cheesed off by the counsellor when i found out..

I would not have taken it so hard if she told me that the answer was not acceptable before going to the Pastor.

There were other topics during the course of counselling which she countered me with answers she feels its right..

To a certain extend, i felt like telling her off in her face to just give us the answers instead of asking us for it..

In actual fact, i later found out that alot of other people whom she offended unknowingly....

Poeple's advice is for me to just ignore her... which is what i'm doing now..
 
Maybe they can publish "model answers" to all the possible questions.. so that people getting married can study and memorize all the correct answers..

Then sure can get married..
 
this is freaking dumb. The next time someone disagrees, instead of thinking am I wrong.

Think, does it matter? Everyone is different and would have a differing opinion over things. Its really quite opinionate of this counsellor to just jump to the conclusion based on one question and answer. Or was it a collective conclusion with that question being the last one asked?

We are hear only one side of the story which is totally ridiculously absurd. Either the counsellor is a total idiot or you are coming to conclusion with your perception over one question.
 
like i mentioned in my earlier post, there are other examples..

there was one session of decision makings.

We were asked who would make decisions when for example, buying a flat..

My answer was, we ourselves, (meaning hb & i) would make the decision, putting into considerations the opinions of my dad..

Again, my answer seem 'stupid' to her.

She countered that we should make the decision ourselves, since we're getting married, & that meant that i would have to break away from my parents, & stop being a daddy girl...

In my heart i thought, in what way was i a daddy's girl here??

I tried elaborating my answer, & explained that because buying a flat was a major thing in life, & i thought it would be good to seek my dad's opinion, since i understood that there is a certain facing of the flat that one should avoid, due to the sun shinning into your flat..

I explained further that it was our own decision on where to buy the flat, (its Punggol by the way) so as to faciliate either of us going home in future.

Its the only thing i asked for my dad's opinion so far...

She thought i was defying her by saying that i will still seek my father's opinions since a flat was a major investment, a place where we will have to stay for the next 5 years or so..

Hb & i being first time buyers, are green on such details..

Was it wrong then to seek elders opinion/advices??

Does marriage means that i can no longer seek my parents advises if we do not have the answer???

I was so pissed that we almost went into a shouting dispute, if its not for the fact that hb stopped me.

The thing that cheeses me off most, is the fact that she kept imposing her thoughts into me!!!
 
ever since then, i've stopped talking for good, & it had her coming to me, asking me why was i so quiet when i am supposed to be open??

my answer to her was short & sweet.

NO COMMMENTS, with a smile...
 
what kind of counsellor is that? she does not sound very 'holy' to me. she seems to be very anxious and eager to put you down. doesn't look like she cares for you or wants to help you. and most of all, she sounds like someone seriously lacking in common-sense and street-smarts.

i believe if you post something in this forum, you would get a better quality and not to mention variety of advice and opinion. and BEST of all, you will be welcomed to accept and reject what you get here as you pleased.

crazy people lurking around, masquerading as counsellors when their lack of qualification is glaringly obvious... reminds me of that career counsellor and the weight-loss counsellor in Little Britain
 
I don't think that is a counsellor .. more like an idiotic asshole hiding behind the cloak of religion..

I give free counselling session..
 
maybe she got model answers like 10yr series and she expected you to follow hers.

wonderful counseller she is.
 
The part about me being counsellors is just a joke.

I mean.. if she can be a counsellor.. I can too.. and so are many other people..
 
good thing is the counselling sessions are over for good..

she came for our wedding, insist in taking a pic with us, despite my reluctance, & is now bugging me for me to develop the pic for her...
 
naughty girl, she's sooooooooooo going to use you as a picture sample in her future 'counselling' sessions which prob goes like this, "You all huh, don't be childish and ill-prepared like this girl who will dump her hb because of HIV, regardless of causes."

sm, when free nx wk... chk liao, sms me.
 
vios,

OK.. a little tough.. have to arrange.. cost I am now the resident-maid.. My maid went back.. so now maid-less..
 
aiyo... why keep asking if it is wrong? Are you so unsure of yourself? If this person is an ass, then don't expect her to become an angel. Accept it that she is an ass with stupid judgements on you.
 
That's the problem with some "counselors", they give textbook answers. OR they already have the "right" answers they want to hear from you.

It's quite weird that they appoint her to do marriage counselling... for someone who has never been married. Not enough pastors ah?
 
not sure..

maybe he's not free to do it himself coz our church only 1 Pastor in Charge.

Others are assistants...

Many of them are married.. So i don't actually understand the rationale of him putting a single woman in charge..
 
But these are not merely advices or different view points.. the so-called counsellor is a downright ass..

Of course can ignore.. but coming from a counsellor we would expect a little more than just pinches of salt.
 
Putting a single woman to give premarital counselling is ok. Are we expecting doctors to have all suffered the illness they are all giving treatment to?
 
i agree with sm..

i seriously don't agree with most of her rationales...

there was yet another time when we had to go select the wedding invitation cards, & couldn't make it in time for the counselling, we called her & asked if we can give the one of the session a miss, which she said No..

So we asked if she could a makeup lesson for us on sunday, & her reply was a curt no followed by a remark:

i'm not going to work overtime just to do the make-up lesson for you.. So no matter what, you HAVE TO come this week. Pls postpone your appointment for the invitation cards..

We had no choice, but to oblige..

Then there was once, i forgot why, we were 15 minutes late for the lesson which starts @ 3pm (with lunch in my hand)

We apologised profusely upon entering the room, only to be welcomed by a remark, oh why are you eating lunch only now @ 3pm??

You just woke up @ 2pm??

To which, i just smiled & cursed in my heart... Yes.. I got so fed up that i cursed her...

In short, i benefited nothing @ all on sessions conducted by her...

Ever since the 'dispute' i had with her over the decision making session, i zipped my mouth totally...

I was busy fiddling with my pen, twirling my hair, digging for sweets on one session after she cheesed me off, & she ticked me off for not paying attention..

Seriously, i dont know what was there to pay attention about, since she already has the answers to all the questions she'd prepared for us.

Call me childish, but i just cant bring myself to pay attention to whatever she's saying..
 
thats y i always have my reservations for churches... i shall refrain from further comments..

imo this so called pastor is bull crap. how can one tolerate their spouses catching HIV!?
 
I see it differently... there is no straight answers. In theory, simple, infidelity = nono. HIV = lagi nono.

In reality, some relationships survive infidelity. And even with HIV, I believe, some couples would still be supportive to their spouses.

But, it is rare. And it depends a lot on the situation and the people involved.

Nevertheless, I think that church is totally screw up.
 
this is what you get when counseling from a religious set-up....what they are doing is religious filtering and while there aren't supposed to have 'right' answers to many life questions, these supposed counselors have a moral answer key where all replies must conform....
 
I don't think it is fair to direct at the churches. It is the person that is screwed-up.

HIV - I mean we don't even know how it was contracted. And we already condemn it as infidelity ?

Personally I will not shun a partner just because of HIV alone. Even if it is contracted during sexual encounters. Of course it is easy to say and not easy to act accordingly.

Another question for ladies.. if the HIV is through sexual encounters with gay activities for eg.. is it more forgiveable? Or worse? Or does it matter?
 
i agree with SM..

I think its jus the counsellor who has a serious problem...

Alot of people, whom she has offended, shun her..

I'm no gossip monger, but i got to know when i spoke to someone i look upon in church then i knew..
 
TS, u seem to be led by the nose really...if she's THAT sarcastic, why don't you rebuke her in the face?

I mean, if she were to give me that kinda crap, I'll make sure she won't have it easy from me too.

Unless u fear her or worship her like God.
 
Sm

To answer your question, worst! Why should he need to satisfy his sexual needs through the same gender and not me? I would rather he get it from having sex with another woman...which ever way...he deserve it. Cannot forgive!
 
thomas,

i very much want to tell her off in the face, yet i need to save her some face, because, although she keep 'correcting' me, she does it in a 'nice' way, as in she still speaks in her normal tone..

If i were to lose my cool, (which i very much wanted to, if not for the fact that Hubb held me back) everyone else in the class will feel uncomfortable...
 

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