Clashing views of future

qwertypie

New Member
Hi everyone,

I have posted over here before regarding my boyfriend wanting to pursue and further his studies overseas for 5 years.

Recently I've been thinking about it because he mentioned his plan again. He will be going overseas after he graduates next year and he plans to find a job and migrate overseas too.

I'm someone who's often very much in my own comfort zone. Furthermore I'm born in a really strict family who doesn't even allow me to go overseas with friends other than JB. Makes me wonder how badly my parents will react if I let them know that I'll be following my Boyfriend if he plans to migrate and settle down overseas. I feel a bit lost right now because I absolutely wouldn't mind staying in Singapore. My career just started! I won't be able to get a job overseas either.

What should I do? My bf seems determined about this future plan but I feel skeptical and he wish I can really go overseas with him. I am already very very bothered by our 5 year LDR as I am generally a very needy person to begin with...
 


JuzDream

Member
Hihi,

5 years of LDR is really tough and even you yrself knew it was impossible to maintain such relationship.

Why not tell yr bf what you think and how tough will it be for you to follow him?

If he is still determine to go overseas without you, is better to be apart although u guys still love each other.

Loving someone is not about being with him. It is about being able to let him go as well to let him persue his dreams.
 

qwertypie

New Member
Hihi,

5 years of LDR is really tough and even you yrself knew it was impossible to maintain such relationship.

Why not tell yr bf what you think and how tough will it be for you to follow him?

If he is still determine to go overseas without you, is better to be apart although u guys still love each other.

Loving someone is not about being with him. It is about being able to let him go as well to let him persue his dreams.

I told him about it and he just mention that he really wish I can let him further his studies overseas and if I really cannot wait, he will understand.

:(
 

Staypositive

Active Member
I told him about it and he just mention that he really wish I can let him further his studies overseas and if I really cannot wait, he will understand.

:(
He already made it clear that he will have to let go of the relationship if you cannot wait for him while he is overseas.he has put his wants over you.obviously his studies took priority over you and he doesn't consider ur feelings and situation.it would be difficult for u emotionally if you continue with him.
 

qwertypie

New Member
He already made it clear that he will have to let go of the relationship if you cannot wait for him while he is overseas.he has put his wants over you.obviously his studies took priority over you and he doesn't consider ur feelings and situation.it would be difficult for u emotionally if you continue with him.

That was what I thought too but if I think it another way it's also indirectly asking him to choose, which isn't fair to him either since its him dream to pursue that course. It becomes like I'm the problem because I couldn't accept and support him? Am I right to say that or are there any opinions out there?
 

JuzDream

Member
Since now there's Singapore Mothers, I suggest to start a Singapore Mothers' card too!

happy.gif
To be honest, it is not unfair to make him make the decision. Studies or you....

He is an adult and knew he cant have best of both worlds....

You are being too considerate for him.

Anyway it seems his studies is more important than you....
 

Staypositive

Active Member
That was what I thought too but if I think it another way it's also indirectly asking him to choose, which isn't fair to him either since its him dream to pursue that course. It becomes like I'm the problem because I couldn't accept and support him? Am I right to say that or are there any opinions out there?


I guess letting go is hard.we will find all sorts of excuses to stay on becos our hearts will ache if we dun do as we are told.sometimes we should use our brains more and not let our hearts rule over our heads.save a lot of heartache.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
To be honest, it is not unfair to make him make the decision. Studies or you....

He is an adult and knew he cant have best of both worlds....

You are being too considerate for him.

Anyway it seems his studies is more important than you....


To add on,in other words,he thinks for Himself Only.would u want such a guy to be ur future husband?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
He cannot expect you to give up your dreams for him. If the relationship means something, you guys will be committed to overcome the differences and distance. It is pointless to compromise with one party sacrificing and feeling they lost a lot for the relationship. Yes, LDR are hard. Life isn't about making easy choices. IF you relationship is out of convenience, seriously, does it have what it takes? Go for enjoying the moment perhaps, nothing more. So, set the right expectation of what you are in with it.

Goals needs to be aligned. If you move out with him, it should be also in your roadmap for that, rather than throwing away everything.
 

pipitbj

Member
simple solution to a tough question. ask yourself, is he worth your efforts and time? What is your family plans? if there is a negative answer, then move on. meet another guy who doesn't gives u such things to worry about. Instead, the next one will be the one that will be by your side regardless.

different timing, different fates, different destiny.
 

pikachuuu

Member
not sure if i miss anything but where are you in that future plan of his where u and him are overseas?
what assumptions did he make when he paint that picture?
did he mention anything about supporting you while u are there if in any case you cannot find a job?
how about telling your parents? would he be there with you to announce this to your parents?
if he did not even think through all these scenarios with you inside then it sounds a bit like "hey, FYI I want to go overseas to study, now i jio you, you want to come? actually you want to come or not doesn't matter, I am going still."
 

Staypositive

Active Member
not sure if i miss anything but where are you in that future plan of his where u and him are overseas?
what assumptions did he make when he paint that picture?
did he mention anything about supporting you while u are there if in any case you cannot find a job?
how about telling your parents? would he be there with you to announce this to your parents?
if he did not even think through all these scenarios with you inside then it sounds a bit like "hey, FYI I want to go overseas to study, now i jio you, you want to come? actually you want to come or not doesn't matter, I am going still."


Agree with pikachuuu that the guy will still be carrying out his plan of going overseas for studies irregardless of whether the girl is coming or not.
 

qwertypie

New Member
To be honest, it is not unfair to make him make the decision. Studies or you....

He is an adult and knew he cant have best of both worlds....

You are being too considerate for him.

Anyway it seems his studies is more important than you....

not sure if i miss anything but where are you in that future plan of his where u and him are overseas?
what assumptions did he make when he paint that picture?
did he mention anything about supporting you while u are there if in any case you cannot find a job?
how about telling your parents? would he be there with you to announce this to your parents?
if he did not even think through all these scenarios with you inside then it sounds a bit like "hey, FYI I want to go overseas to study, now i jio you, you want to come? actually you want to come or not doesn't matter, I am going still."

To JuzDream:

I actually told him that since he's going overseas no matter what, he has already made his decision. He has already chosen studies over me. He got a bit agitated and said that he really don't know what else to do if he don't pursue in that field. It's been his dream ever since he started studying in university and he really don't want to give up on it because he has really studied hard and worked hard for it. I was just loss for words. If I argue back it'd seem that I'm not understanding and immature. If I really love him, I should let him go pursue his dream and do what he want? :(

To pikachuuu,

Our plan is actually to ROM after his graduation and before he gets his scholarship to further his studies so I will be able to go with him. I actually spoked to my mum, kinda, about our situation and her thinking is that as long as I'm not married, I'm still her daughter and she will not allow me to follow him overseas hence we wanted to ROM (to also give my mum a peace of mind, that we both are committed and really serious about each other) But my concern is still the career part. I'm not sure what to do about this even though he says that he'll support me financially if I really can't find a job overseas if we were to migrate..... Or when I come back to Singapore after his further studies.... I'm pretty sure employers will not hire me after such a long 4-5 years of not working.
 

JuzDream

Member
To JuzDream:

I actually told him that since he's going overseas no matter what, he has already made his decision. He has already chosen studies over me. He got a bit agitated and said that he really don't know what else to do if he don't pursue in that field. It's been his dream ever since he started studying in university and he really don't want to give up on it because he has really studied hard and worked hard for it. I was just loss for words. If I argue back it'd seem that I'm not understanding and immature. If I really love him, I should let him go pursue his dream and do what he want? :(

To pikachuuu,

Our plan is actually to ROM after his graduation and before he gets his scholarship to further his studies so I will be able to go with him. I actually spoked to my mum, kinda, about our situation and her thinking is that as long as I'm not married, I'm still her daughter and she will not allow me to follow him overseas hence we wanted to ROM (to also give my mum a peace of mind, that we both are committed and really serious about each other) But my concern is still the career part. I'm not sure what to do about this even though he says that he'll support me financially if I really can't find a job overseas if we were to migrate..... Or when I come back to Singapore after his further studies.... I'm pretty sure employers will not hire me after such a long 4-5 years of not working.
I had a colleague who went overseas with her hubby for 2 to 3 yrs and she went there to further studies in uni.

Since he is willing to go rom with u means he is serious about you and want to bring you over as his wife.

I am sure you are able to find a job here as long as you do not have too high expectation on salary after 4 to 5 yrs break.
 

pikachuuu

Member
second what JuzDream said now that you have mentioned what you guys have planned initially. Just curious, is he in Science?
I think it also depends on what country he is planning his further studies in. Initial days would be hard (or you can consider furthering your studies too), but i think it is also a good litmus test to see if he would truly take care of you when in need.

I personally would go along if the situation is as such, but I wouldnt ROM because if shit happens after a year I can still run. Understand that your mom is rather strict... I think it would be good to start with her if you are going along with this plan.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
I think it's down the 2 of you . How mutual is this will go a long way. Just to share some positivity. Some 15 yrs ago, when a friend left for US to do his masters he proposed to his GF who rejected him. She gave the classic " if he's mine he will be back" and we all crossed our toes and fingers for them. Today they are married with 3 kids.
 

qwertypie

New Member
I think it's down the 2 of you . How mutual is this will go a long way. Just to share some positivity. Some 15 yrs ago, when a friend left for US to do his masters he proposed to his GF who rejected him. She gave the classic " if he's mine he will be back" and we all crossed our toes and fingers for them. Today they are married with 3 kids.

Hi,

How Long did he do his masters for?
 

Liliput

New Member
I have a friend with a very similar case like yours. But they had been dating for about 5 years and the guy had to go US for 5 years as part of work. So they got married first (yes, even though the girl was below 25 back then).then they left for US together. The girl permanently stays in SG to work but once in a while goes to US to find the hubby.

Of course the parents were very much against it at first cos its like getting married suddenly when she is still quite young. And they have all along been very strict with the girl. but they got over it very fast since the couple both know eventually marriage will come sooner or later. It's better than getting separated for long.
 

Merryl.lee

New Member
I think you need to slowly let your parents open up too. if not even if you have a new boyfriend, you're still gonna be very restricted. e.g. cant go overseas together even for short trips.

I got a friend who will keep bringing her bf to family events and let the family get to know him better, and even go with them on family overseas trip. like that after some time, the parents also got used to the bf and started letting them go overseas on their own.
 

Top