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The fights r almost always the same... I basically felt tat he wasn't capable or felt tat he isn't taking up the role as the head of the family. Thus making me feel tat I m the one who is supporting us. So I told him tat I will take care of our baby myself. Tat sort of triggered him to react tat way.
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He didnt realli slap me, but he grabbed my hands and arms to stop me from standing up. And from moving about. Then he also hold my face. Basically they were things tat he did tat bout have been considered as abuse. But not to the extreme. And of coz I dont wish for the extreme to happen.

My PIL... I dont noe but maybe I can try to see if I can talk to his mum or something. His dad, well, basically doesn't have a good impression of his son also. Kinda like coz his dad is successful in his business, but my hb's business attempts didn't go well, so his dad kinda thinks of him as a bum. My hb is tryin to prove and to make it, but he can be impatient and ambitious at times. Like want the results fast, want to take short cuts and all tat. So I dont think having his parents noe tat he needs to seek help, will kinda make him look good infront of his parents.
 


Pinky, I understand that you are eager for him to take charge since he is a family man now but changes don't take place overnight. Success doesn't happen overnight. Perhaps all these pep talks are giving him a lot of stress or even make him feel you are talking down to him?
 
Hey Peeps!

Its nearing the end of the week!! how's everyone?

Pinky,
From your posts, it does seems like you are starting to have some fear towards ur hb. Try not to let this sink in deeper into you. its not very healthy. as for his abusive ways, let him know that it is abusive behaviour & see how he react but to be very frank, if a guy is determined to hit a gal ah, there is no way a gal can escape de..
 
Before he really kee siao during the next fight...seek for some marriage conselling. Both must attend. I believe is the communication part which is not properly done. Whos right or wrong is not that important..most important is to solve the problem n keep it harmony.

When i used to quarrel with my wife, same thing happens...words used are very hurting, but aint that bad for me to touch her...i just /ignore and let her scold...sooner or later it will get numb. How others look at him is not that important...is how u look at him. Husband of yours, father of your son.You can either help or......choice is yours. Talk to him talk to him...let him know u cares about him. other than his parents, you are the closest to him now.
 
Hi Pinky,
I was like u too, my HB (sn to be ex) used to tk it on me too, everything i do is wrong. Even I nv do anything oso my fault, he had oso laid his hands on me before, after tat if i am injured, he will blame me for struggling. Our argument will always be ver heated up, i will loss ctrl and had ever thought of taking my life. To me, its in my mind set, I am always at fault.
 
gosh!!
that is not very healthy leh. lynn, I mean if he instill those thoughts in ur mind & set it that u r always wrong then end up even after u are injured in the midst of the argument, he can still say that its coz u struggled?? gosh.. win liao lor..

think we gals really gotta learn how to take care of ourselves..

like wat Meng said.. its impt to communicate, try to go for counselling ba, Pinky.
 
Hi Skylar,
Another joke, once he accidentally hit my face and my face was swollen and bled. And we were supposed to mit my parents the next dae, i told them that I knocked against the door. I helped him to cover up.

Pinky,
Try to go for counselling, its was too late tat we wanted to go,there's no turning pt. Dun be like me, I onli noe hw to tk it on myself..
 
Oh ya...i always remembered what my wife said to me whenever she scolded me badly "I scold u...will u die anot?"....true enough, i didnt...hahaha. But sometimes words can kill if the person is not strong will enough. So be strong!
 
Hi Meng,
I agreed wif wat u said, in the past I was ok, din "die" frm wat he said, slowly..... I became low morale.... Reali tinking and taking that its my fault.... Den wen i calmed down, its nt my fault leh....
 
Babydoll, maybe. Tat's y im trying to say tat im not saying tat its totally his fault. And not tat im taking all the blame as well. As most abuse cases from wat i have read, the victim will have this feeling tat its their fault. But for mine, I noe tat indirectly, I did cause him to act this way. I dont disadmit tat at a point in time, I feel tat I do bring him down a lot. Tat's coz I also feel tat Im also at the lowest point, and when I see other ppl who has better financial stability and family plans together, it juz makes me want to do something bout it. I want my hb to wise up, to take some action, and do something about it. And not have me there worried wat if our pay doesn't cover our whole month's expenditure. I hope he didnt take things so easy. Always telling me, dont worry so much, but he's not doing anything bout it. I believe he is having a lot of stress as well. But Im not sure wat kinda stress is he facing exactly.

I have thought of counselling, but for him or for both of us. Either way, I think we'll have to go for both. I dont want to juz leave him like tat, I want to try to make this work, but its hard coz it seems like im the one whose being paranoid, trying to find ways to solve this. While he juz treats is like its normal. Im willing to admit tat there is a problem, but he feels there's nothing wrong, juz wants things to be like before.

Now im juz considering to take action, or to sit down and try to talk to him and resolve it between us first. Coz it will take a lot of pride and courage to admit tat we need help, tat's for both of us.
 
Lynn, this is called emotional blackmail. My friend's boyfriend of 5 yrs also did that to her. Physically and verbally abused her, telling her stuff like: "If i dont want you, you think other guys will want you?" It was pretty bad cos bcos of all the physical abuse, her morale was really bruised, so when he abused her verbally, the words got to her very easily also.

Actually I think one of the reasons why some girls find it difficult to leave an abusive r/s, is bcos their partners are really good at emotional blackmailing them.
 
Hi Babydoll,
we are still staying under the same roof bt diff rm, i even moved out frm the masterbed rm... there's alot of complications.... do u hv any lawyer's contatc?
 
What are the complications? Care to share, Lynn?

My lawyer is Felicia Ng of Piah, Tan & Partners. She can be contacted at 65322554.
 
Xiaoli,
Cos of wat he did, i became ver tempermental and overly depressed. I can suddenly juz flare up and cnt ctrl my emotions. So i do play a part but he caused me to be like tis.
 
Lynn, my friend was exactly like you also. She told me she felt very disgusted just looking at him. And each time he tried to be intimate with her, all the abusive memories she has of him will just well up in her mind and bcos of this, she has to constantly find excuses to reject his advances (such as avoiding to stay over at his place) And one of the effect of her bf's emotional blackmail is that she actually started blaming herself for what has happened, when this should be the case bcos no matter what, violence should never be a solution nor a means.
 
Hi babydoll,
hw are her charges like? wld like to share, but its a long long story.... guess we are fated to spilt up... last year ard tis time, we had an arguement too, i cnt tk it anymore i wanted a separation, he was always blaming me for watever things that were nt smooth for him. He apologied to me and i 4gave him..... nv expect it will cm bk again.. but tis time more worse.... I prepared a separation letter for him to sign, den he said i nv include tis and that, ok, i add lor.... den he turned the table round and said tat i made him sign.... wat a world....
 
Hi Pinky,
U reali need alot of pride and courage to admit that both of u need help.. As for my case, HE tinks that I need help, nt WE nd help....
 
Pinky, is there any close mutual fren or a relative that he listens to? will it help for that person to talk to him first, and maybe open him up a bit to accept that he does have a problem? from there you two can probably go to a counsellor.
 
Pinkdy & Lynn, do you girls have kids? To tell you the truth, my mom was also a victim of domestic violence. My dad physically abused her and she had to move out of her room and sleep with us. I even saw them fight in front of my eyes b4. I was deeply traumatised as I was only 12 then. Anyway, my mom divorced my dad eventually and she's doing fine now. So if you have kids, pls be strong for your & their sake. Don't ever blame yourself for the violence that were caused on you bcos we are not born to be abused by anybody, not even our parents.
 
It is a small-time law firm. If your case is straightforward, it can be done around $2.5K.

Well, be focused on the end result you want and execute what you set out to do. Try not to be distracted by past events. Stay very strong, Lynn!
 
Lynn, since he has signed the separation paper prepared by you a year ago, think you can backdate the separation and "serve a shorter term".
 
Meng..
wat Jie jie!! for all u know i am younger than u leh.. kekek..

Lynn,
wahhh u so kind ah.. still help to cover up for him man! U should hv gone straight to the police once he laid hands on u leh.. best is to ask for protection order ah..

but now u 2 still living together ah? but nothing much happened rite?
 
Pinky, when we feel down, we share with our partners our feelings, not telling them that they have not done enough to keep us from feeling down? Not make them feel like they are the reason for us to feel down?

Am glad that at least you are level headed enough to recognise there is a problem with his outbursts and that help should be sought.
 
hi Babydoll,
the separation paper was onli in tis oct, den after tat we patched back. I juz got him to sign another one last nite. cos i discovered another thing he had done.

Skylar,
Yup, we are still staying together, nothing happened. I feel that I am reali ver ver stupid to cover for him. Wen we argued, i asked him, where on earth u can got a woman who will cover for u after kanna beaten by u. he kept quiet
 
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realise that you had set it free – You either married it or gave birth to it.

I was in the above situation for six years. One year ago, I kicked it out of my life. I am still in one piece today. Nothing is too complicated for us to handle. We just need to start somewhere.
 
but i think there is a kind of syndrome or something that the guy will be so blinded by a sudden outrage and all hell break loose.
 
to cut short, he started playing online game, he sent his pix to a ger saying that they wanna form guild, slowly i saw him giving a ger morning call and even sms tat ger wen he was home ard 1.33AM calling her DEAR, telling her he's hm and feeling ver tired.. i confronted him. he said it was a joke. tat was wen i gave him the 1st separation letter. end up we patched bk, den he sms the same ger using another line, i saw it too, he again promised that he wun contact her, bt he broke his promises again. he said he cnt tk it that i chk his com/hp, i noe i shld nt do tat, the more i chk the more things i found out. den i told him if tat was a joke, can he assure me that he still loves me and got nothing to do wif tat her. he told me no nd to assure wan, cos its juz a joke, i muz learn to tk it
 
hmm.maybe..i also have short temper too..can easily get frustrated if thing dun go my way..but i hardly praise my temper on gals....
 
男人最厉害就是找借å£ï¼ï¼

the things they do = joking nia
the same things woman do = flirt!
 
Mayi mei mei, although our society is so call a liberal one, but there is still a lot of differences between what is acceptable from a man and woman..
 
I was talking to a fren and she was advising me tat I should try counselling first. And i think i would want to try tat first. Coz firstly, i dont want to end my marriage becoz of tat. And also i feel tat i want to make this work becoz i feel tat i married the man i love, and i dont want becoz of communication or small matters tat became so big to juz ruin it.

But there r juz so many things tat now everything seems to be unveil. Like there were things tat he lied to me, or well he tried to say it in a way tat make him look good but in fact its not true. Its kinda a weird r/s we have rite now. We have different visions of our future, the things he want to do and wat i want to do. He's a high risk taker and im a low risk taker. And he onli listens to himself. He refuses to understand or listen to my point of view. So it can get very hard to talk to him at times. So I dont noe how counselling is goin to help. Anyway who has gone through counselling and manage to save their marriage and are happily married still?
 
cherrio,

i think for guys who have a habit of throwing things when temper flare, he got higher chance of hiting the other party...

mayi,

not only guys...gals also good in giving excuses...its human nature lar
 
he said he dun love me nw and feeling ver tired. cos i chk his hp/com, no privacy... i had told him i wun chk his com/hp if he keeps to his promises. but since he broke them den i still see lor... he kept quiet. he said i cnt see his h/p, den wen i asked him if they still in touch, he said no, den he let me see.... den after awhile i asked again, den he said i cnt see... i reali dunno wat he wan
 
Siao, there is some truth there. I have posted earlier about a girl whose abusive bf also smashes mirror, breaks coffee table and other objects when his temper flares.
 
ah siao,
i agreed wif wat u said, he likes to punch on the wall wen he cnt get his things the way he wans. and smtime wen he laid his hands on me, he cnt seems to stop.
 
Ah Siao, for my case, my then-bf (now ex) hits himself whenever he was really angry with me or when i initiated break-up. He would punch himself and pull his hair. The worst time was when he used a kitchen knife to slit his wrist (lightly only lah). This is also a form of emotional blackmail. And although I wasn't the one getting abused, it was equally tiring too.
 


right...i was right in it..guys who thrash object out to release temper tend to have tis kinda violent act twds gals too...they can be very loving to their partners but once things fail to go their way, hell will break lose...

xiaoli,

glad he's ur ex bf now...cant imagine staying w this kinda person..must be v emotionally draining
 
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