Chatters
- Thread starter cheerio
- Start date
Hmm I guess so too. But it seems like its a bit of my insecurities. Then also Im getting home sick from leaving home. Then worried bout my living condition now. Its juz a few issued together. Sort of making me a little upset and worried.
Its my first day back at work, Im suppose to be smiling and all. But I feel inside me is juz frowning and crying.
Its my first day back at work, Im suppose to be smiling and all. But I feel inside me is juz frowning and crying.
dead_heart
New Member
pinkydy, u can type them here, dun have to start new thread, unless u prefer to have more opinion.
green_tranquility
New Member
PinkDy,
Do you have any close friends who you can talk to face-to-face? I've IM you my MSN, we can chat.
Do you have any close friends who you can talk to face-to-face? I've IM you my MSN, we can chat.
green_tranquility
New Member
Hello Heart!
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Pinkydy, care to share your feelings here with us?
dead_heart
New Member
hello green....
ya pinky, share with us
ya pinky, share with us
I have a couple of problems, issues and concerns which Im facing rite now. Though some of them may sound realli silly but it kinda affects me.
As u guys noe, I juz got married and is now staying with my in-laws. Im currently expecting, in my 5th month actually. My biggest concern staying with my in-laws is not bout getting along with them or not. My IL r ok ppl, maybe coz I dont noe them so well yet. But more of their smoking. My FIL, MIL and SIL smokes. Basically I come from a family which doesn't smoke, and I personally can't stand smoke. I even got sick once becoz I was in close contact with a smoker. Tat's how bad I can't take smoke. Now tat Im expecting, my biggest worry is my health and my baby's health. I will try to not breathe or walk away when they lit up, but not sure if its the ventilation or wat, there is smoke lingering around all the time. Which is still 2nd hand smoke around. So makes me have to stay in the room most of the time. I can try to get a tv installed in our room, hide in the room all the time. But its like very un-friendly of me and its pretty obvious y I do tat too. Then I fear it will give my IL tat impresstion and ill-feeling like Im so particular esp when Im staying under their roof. They paid for our wedding and most of the wedding stuff. Our new cupboard and bed frame, plus some of the minor changes in the house r made becoz of me. So I feel like Im making things difficult for my husband as well.
Which also brings me to my next point where Im actually homesick. Yes, as funny as tat sounds. I miss my parents, my family and my home very badly. I guess coz my lifestyle and my husband's family lifestyle is completely different. So it makes me feel like my new living condition is worse than my own living condition. At the moment, Im still at the stage of tryin to get used to the place. But my whole entire family, including my cousin, my aunts, and even my younger sis (whose usually the heck care kind of character), have voiced out concerns bout my new living conditions and all. Which kinda make my parents worry a lot. Even my dad misses me a lot till he's lost sleep. Which makes me even more upset and more homesick.
So kinda like in a mixed dilemma like should I move back home. But if I do, its like I'll offend my ILs. But the truth is, their living condition is bad for my health and my baby's. Then I have to think for my husband. Now he's the one who will be placed out of his own comfort zone. Will my parents be able to accept another person living in the house. And will it look bad for him, coz gals r usually suppose to marry out. Then he has got to move in to the gal's side to stay. Though staying at my house has much better benefit than staying at his. But no matter wat, the arrangements were made then already. My other concerns r when I give birth. My MIL is a housewife, though I would say more like a HDB tai tai. She's playing mahjong 24/7 and she smokes. How can I fully entrust tat she will take care of my baby in a smoke free environment and also not be tied-down from her social lifestyle and is burdened to take care of our baby. Before tat, wat bout my confinement. For confinement not so bad, worse comes to worse, can hire someone to take care of me. It will cost more but at least not so bad.
So these r some of the main issues tat r bothering me at the moment.
As u guys noe, I juz got married and is now staying with my in-laws. Im currently expecting, in my 5th month actually. My biggest concern staying with my in-laws is not bout getting along with them or not. My IL r ok ppl, maybe coz I dont noe them so well yet. But more of their smoking. My FIL, MIL and SIL smokes. Basically I come from a family which doesn't smoke, and I personally can't stand smoke. I even got sick once becoz I was in close contact with a smoker. Tat's how bad I can't take smoke. Now tat Im expecting, my biggest worry is my health and my baby's health. I will try to not breathe or walk away when they lit up, but not sure if its the ventilation or wat, there is smoke lingering around all the time. Which is still 2nd hand smoke around. So makes me have to stay in the room most of the time. I can try to get a tv installed in our room, hide in the room all the time. But its like very un-friendly of me and its pretty obvious y I do tat too. Then I fear it will give my IL tat impresstion and ill-feeling like Im so particular esp when Im staying under their roof. They paid for our wedding and most of the wedding stuff. Our new cupboard and bed frame, plus some of the minor changes in the house r made becoz of me. So I feel like Im making things difficult for my husband as well.
Which also brings me to my next point where Im actually homesick. Yes, as funny as tat sounds. I miss my parents, my family and my home very badly. I guess coz my lifestyle and my husband's family lifestyle is completely different. So it makes me feel like my new living condition is worse than my own living condition. At the moment, Im still at the stage of tryin to get used to the place. But my whole entire family, including my cousin, my aunts, and even my younger sis (whose usually the heck care kind of character), have voiced out concerns bout my new living conditions and all. Which kinda make my parents worry a lot. Even my dad misses me a lot till he's lost sleep. Which makes me even more upset and more homesick.
So kinda like in a mixed dilemma like should I move back home. But if I do, its like I'll offend my ILs. But the truth is, their living condition is bad for my health and my baby's. Then I have to think for my husband. Now he's the one who will be placed out of his own comfort zone. Will my parents be able to accept another person living in the house. And will it look bad for him, coz gals r usually suppose to marry out. Then he has got to move in to the gal's side to stay. Though staying at my house has much better benefit than staying at his. But no matter wat, the arrangements were made then already. My other concerns r when I give birth. My MIL is a housewife, though I would say more like a HDB tai tai. She's playing mahjong 24/7 and she smokes. How can I fully entrust tat she will take care of my baby in a smoke free environment and also not be tied-down from her social lifestyle and is burdened to take care of our baby. Before tat, wat bout my confinement. For confinement not so bad, worse comes to worse, can hire someone to take care of me. It will cost more but at least not so bad.
So these r some of the main issues tat r bothering me at the moment.
hmm.. pinky... my family + me smokes as well... so i cant really relate to your 心情 of tolerating the smoke. But u mention that ur in laws are ok people right? Maybe u can voice out to them with regards to the 2nd smoke which is not healthy for ur baby and suggest that they smoke either in their room or toilet?? When we visit other ppl's home who are non smokers we will usually go far away to 'breathe'. I guess most smokers now are more conscious about the non smokers' reaction and thus, is more considerate now.
After understanding how 2nd hand smoke is unhealthy to baby, ur in laws might cut down on the cigg they smokes and create a more conducive environment for you and ur baby???
my 2cents...
After understanding how 2nd hand smoke is unhealthy to baby, ur in laws might cut down on the cigg they smokes and create a more conducive environment for you and ur baby???
my 2cents...
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Hi Pinkydy, I suggest that you and your hubby move back to your parents' place. Is that possible?
As for engaging a confinement lady, if you want one you must quickly make a booking now. Your delivery is around the Lunar New Year period, may cost you more and it can be challenging to get one if you leave it to the last minute.
As for engaging a confinement lady, if you want one you must quickly make a booking now. Your delivery is around the Lunar New Year period, may cost you more and it can be challenging to get one if you leave it to the last minute.
Pinky, you are not being silly lah, its good to let out your concern and dont bottle them up.
As a non-smoker, I also will be more sensitive to the smell of tobacco, and given that so many of your IL family smoke, and its over the year kind thing, the environment will definitely smell of tobacco, cant remove one.
yup, think you might appear to be a bit anti-social to hide inside your room all the time. maybe you can do it tactfully, let your MIL or someone you can talk to better know that dont know why you have been feeling very sick recently and keep needing to rest, then walk and talk also slow slow. then when someone lit up a cig, you cover your mouth and like wan to puke. not joking, but instead of telling them the truth and possibly piss them, might as well 'act' for them to see and make them conscious about lighting up in your pressence.
anyway, its for their own good to cut down on smoking.
be honest but dont have to be direct, you can still get your point across
As a non-smoker, I also will be more sensitive to the smell of tobacco, and given that so many of your IL family smoke, and its over the year kind thing, the environment will definitely smell of tobacco, cant remove one.
yup, think you might appear to be a bit anti-social to hide inside your room all the time. maybe you can do it tactfully, let your MIL or someone you can talk to better know that dont know why you have been feeling very sick recently and keep needing to rest, then walk and talk also slow slow. then when someone lit up a cig, you cover your mouth and like wan to puke. not joking, but instead of telling them the truth and possibly piss them, might as well 'act' for them to see and make them conscious about lighting up in your pressence.
anyway, its for their own good to cut down on smoking.
be honest but dont have to be direct, you can still get your point across
dead_heart
New Member
pinky, same as you, i dun smoke and i detest ppl smoking in the same around as me. hence friends who came to visit will juz smoke outside if they stay for mahjong session.
Well, if u r shy abt it, can ask ur HB to inform the rest of the family tat now u r expecting, it is advisable not to smoke while u r around. it is up to them whether will they do it or not.
As for moving out, since u did not resist the idea right from the start and moreover they had made some many changes for you, hence i suggest u staying with ur ILs for now. Its not good to cope urself in the room everytime u r home, sometimes must show face also rite. Give urself some time to adapt, u r in the family for only less than one wk, of course u miss ur family, ur comfort zone.
As for taking care of ur bb, do not take for granted that ur MIL will look after him/her. Nowadays, lots of grandparents dun look after grandchildren as they feel its a loss of freedom. Looking after a child needs lots of commitment. Tat person got to have lots of patience and the willingness to give up many things. Hence wat i suggest is find a nanny/infantcare at this moment so that you won't be left hanging nowhere when the bb comes and u need to go back to work.
Actually, in my opinion, i would prefer to engage a nanny or put the bb in the infantcare. this is to prevent any conflict. Its not easy to talk to MIL regarding the ways on taking care of bb. Each have their own method and both might be unwilling to give way to each other.
Well, if u r shy abt it, can ask ur HB to inform the rest of the family tat now u r expecting, it is advisable not to smoke while u r around. it is up to them whether will they do it or not.
As for moving out, since u did not resist the idea right from the start and moreover they had made some many changes for you, hence i suggest u staying with ur ILs for now. Its not good to cope urself in the room everytime u r home, sometimes must show face also rite. Give urself some time to adapt, u r in the family for only less than one wk, of course u miss ur family, ur comfort zone.
As for taking care of ur bb, do not take for granted that ur MIL will look after him/her. Nowadays, lots of grandparents dun look after grandchildren as they feel its a loss of freedom. Looking after a child needs lots of commitment. Tat person got to have lots of patience and the willingness to give up many things. Hence wat i suggest is find a nanny/infantcare at this moment so that you won't be left hanging nowhere when the bb comes and u need to go back to work.
Actually, in my opinion, i would prefer to engage a nanny or put the bb in the infantcare. this is to prevent any conflict. Its not easy to talk to MIL regarding the ways on taking care of bb. Each have their own method and both might be unwilling to give way to each other.
Hai.. tat's y lor. Its like a huge dilemma. My HB has already mentioned to my MIL. Coz she's around most of the time. So she will try to cut down or not smoke in front of me. But my FIL is like the man in the house. He's rarely home coz he's always either busy at work or out on business trips. My SIL is also rarely home coz she works in a pub, so she's always like home in the day time to slp, evening will go out to work. Sometimes she wont return home like for a few days to weeks. Its hard for me to tell them, directly or indirectly, coz technically, its their house. They have been doing it since they lived in tat place. Y should all of them give up their freedom to smoke as and when they like in the house, for someone, who may be considered still an outsider.
green_tranquility
New Member
Pinky,
Yes get your HB to talk about the smoking issues. I guess they also want to have a healthy grandchild right.
Yes get your HB to talk about the smoking issues. I guess they also want to have a healthy grandchild right.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Yeah, Cheerio, Pinkydy moving back to her folks' with hubby should be a last resort...
Actually, Pinkydy, if you are at your PIL's place, you might not have space to house the confinement lady for even a month. I mean, where does she sleep? Can't expect her to sleep in the living room, right? Can you get your mom to do the confinement work for you instead, so you move back for one month after the birth of your baby? Or have you already "promised" your MIL that she will get the job?
Actually, Pinkydy, if you are at your PIL's place, you might not have space to house the confinement lady for even a month. I mean, where does she sleep? Can't expect her to sleep in the living room, right? Can you get your mom to do the confinement work for you instead, so you move back for one month after the birth of your baby? Or have you already "promised" your MIL that she will get the job?
Actually bout the confinement issue, haven't realli spoke bout it. But my mum did bring up saying tat my MIL's social lifestyle may be a problem. Is she going to be willing to give up her lifestyle juz for our baby. Her daily routine is like morning wake up, go to the neighbourhood market place. Then after breakfast and all, bout 11+, she will have mahjong session, be it at someone's place or at home. So its like if she dont go out to play, she have her mahjong kakis come to the house. Its not goin to be good to have mahjong sound and smoke all the time in the living room, while my baby is in the room. Its like its always left there alone, when it needs all the attention.
I thought when I get more fitted in to the new environment, then we'll go and discuss on the confinement. But it seems as day goes by, and its like onli a few days, Im already at a miserable state.
I thought when I get more fitted in to the new environment, then we'll go and discuss on the confinement. But it seems as day goes by, and its like onli a few days, Im already at a miserable state.
dead_heart
New Member
pinky, actually quite a number of gals go back to mother hse for confinement. i'm sure ur ILs won't have any issue on tat. Juz tell them and ur HB tat u want to be pamper by ur mother. anyway, u will be back after the confinement.
PinkDy, I think cheerio's suggestion on the "acts" is one way to create awareness for them.. I am sure your ILs will also be concern of your baby's health ? Anyway need your HB to do his part to inform his family members too.. perhaps getting your mum to do the confinement is an option to be able to go back to your place for a while and not worried about the smoky environment..
dead_heart
New Member
Gals, me going off now... gotto attend in-hse training till 6.30pm.... sob sob...
pinky, cheer up, dun think so much ..... be happy so ur child will be happy bb also
pinky, cheer up, dun think so much ..... be happy so ur child will be happy bb also
wahh.. all smokers ah..
but pinky, i suggest u bring tis up to ur hb lor.. but the real fact is that they shd also stop smoking mah.. since they also know that u r pregnant man.. aiyoh..
if ur homesick then go back to visit ur own family more often lor.. btw u & ur hb dun hv a flat of ur own ah? if so u can move out mah..
but pinky, i suggest u bring tis up to ur hb lor.. but the real fact is that they shd also stop smoking mah.. since they also know that u r pregnant man.. aiyoh..
if ur homesick then go back to visit ur own family more often lor.. btw u & ur hb dun hv a flat of ur own ah? if so u can move out mah..
Thank Heart.
But if I have confinement at home, whose gonna take care of the baby. Either way, neither one of us should be left in the house. Unfortunately my mum is a working mum and is the breadwinner in my family so she needs to be at work. Unless she wants to do my confinement for me and take 1 month off. Which I dont want to be selfish to ask tat of her. Though since it is the CNY period, she will likely be able to take off during tat time.
Actually for me, for the sake of my own health and my baby's, Im willing to like 'offend' my ILs. Juz dont care them and juz do wat I feel is best. But I have to be considerate for the fact tat my HB is their son also. And I dont want them to think tat their son married a bad and disrespectful wife. They r still his parents, even though he also doesn't agree to them smoking all the time. But he's caught in the middle as well. Tat's y the problem lies in the sensitivity of this issue. Have to care bout how my in-laws feel towards me, the situation, to their own son and to my parents. Then also have to take in consideration my parents as well.
But if I have confinement at home, whose gonna take care of the baby. Either way, neither one of us should be left in the house. Unfortunately my mum is a working mum and is the breadwinner in my family so she needs to be at work. Unless she wants to do my confinement for me and take 1 month off. Which I dont want to be selfish to ask tat of her. Though since it is the CNY period, she will likely be able to take off during tat time.
Actually for me, for the sake of my own health and my baby's, Im willing to like 'offend' my ILs. Juz dont care them and juz do wat I feel is best. But I have to be considerate for the fact tat my HB is their son also. And I dont want them to think tat their son married a bad and disrespectful wife. They r still his parents, even though he also doesn't agree to them smoking all the time. But he's caught in the middle as well. Tat's y the problem lies in the sensitivity of this issue. Have to care bout how my in-laws feel towards me, the situation, to their own son and to my parents. Then also have to take in consideration my parents as well.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Pinkydy, you and your baby cannot be separated during confinement as you still need to breastfeed him or her.
Pinky, its always easy to speak your mind, but you got to consider the consequences, not just for the sake of your hb but your own good too.. you just married to their son, your MIL is willing to cut down for you and bb's sake, and like you say your FIL and SIL not really always home.
dont act in a rash, you will just damage ties and give everyone, including yourself a hard time later.
must 智å–ok? you are going to be a mum soon, must be mature liao, even if you are still not very mature, you must 'portray' to others that you are a sensible and 懂事的媳妇.
dont act in a rash, you will just damage ties and give everyone, including yourself a hard time later.
must 智å–ok? you are going to be a mum soon, must be mature liao, even if you are still not very mature, you must 'portray' to others that you are a sensible and 懂事的媳妇.
your mum's place got additional space for your confinement lady or not? if have then you can use that as a very valid reason to move back while doing your confinement.
actually, if your MIL has been a hdb tai tai, she might be stress out taking care of your bb, in the long run. taking care of kids is no laughing matter, esp during your confinement she actually got to take care of both you and your bb, cook and stuff, she might be more than happy to let you move back for that period of time.
actually, if your MIL has been a hdb tai tai, she might be stress out taking care of your bb, in the long run. taking care of kids is no laughing matter, esp during your confinement she actually got to take care of both you and your bb, cook and stuff, she might be more than happy to let you move back for that period of time.
Yah tat's true. I think my HB doesn't realli understand wat Im going through and my concerns. He's like telling me he's been living in the house for 20 yrs and its been like tat for 20+ yrs. He still grew up being a big and healthy person. Whether or not baby comes out and has any sort of illness *touch wood, or wateva, its the baby's karma.
I juz told him, as a mother I will not want to take such a risk. As a father, if tat is wat he wants then he can risk all he wants.
I juz told him, as a mother I will not want to take such a risk. As a father, if tat is wat he wants then he can risk all he wants.
but, you mustnt start to feel that your hb is not concern for your or bb ok, guys are just more retard in their feelings sometimes..
furthermore, when the bb comes, after he really feel that he has become a father, he will naturally become more concern one
so dont think excessively k.
dont expose yourself to pre and post natal blues
furthermore, when the bb comes, after he really feel that he has become a father, he will naturally become more concern one
so dont think excessively k.
dont expose yourself to pre and post natal blues
I understand... esp you are now preggy, you are already feeling uncomfortable, plus the unfamiliar living conditions and the smokes...
must be very taxing...
but you must take care of your own mental health by thinking positively, think about the bb, you must keep yourself happy, think about the good things that your IL have done, divert your tots a bit..
must be very taxing...
but you must take care of your own mental health by thinking positively, think about the bb, you must keep yourself happy, think about the good things that your IL have done, divert your tots a bit..
i think you really need to start 'acting' now, and at the same thing be nice to your IL.. and tell your hb how much you appreciate them and the things they have done blah blah... then think of a reason to move back home if things dont improve..
but never never æ’•ç ´è„¸, ok?
but never never æ’•ç ´è„¸, ok?
Thanks Cheerio. Tat's wat Im trying not to do also. Not good also for either side. Im really trying to like think positive and try to like get myself together and all. But its hard coz like all these things juz happened. And all I keep feeling is so upset and I'll juz cry. Then plus the hormones and all. Once i start crying, i'll juz keep crying. Its realli bad.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Hey, Pinky, do you know the gender of your baby yet?
dead_heart
New Member
slip away from the training.....
pinky, think u misunderstood me... i mean confinement in ur mum's hse together with the bb. of course cannot be separated lah. since ur mum gotto work, then u engage a confinement lady and still in ur parents' hse.
if u feel that u can handle the bb on ur own, then u can order those confinement food which is delivered to ur hse, in this way, u dun have to worry abt having a rm for the confinement lady to stay overnite.
pinky, think u misunderstood me... i mean confinement in ur mum's hse together with the bb. of course cannot be separated lah. since ur mum gotto work, then u engage a confinement lady and still in ur parents' hse.
if u feel that u can handle the bb on ur own, then u can order those confinement food which is delivered to ur hse, in this way, u dun have to worry abt having a rm for the confinement lady to stay overnite.
dead_heart
New Member
pinky, 5mths, abt time to know the gender unless the bb dun want to let u see
anyway, gender doesn't matter as long healthy can liow.....
anyway, gender doesn't matter as long healthy can liow.....
pinky: you are 5 months' preggie too? so am i but i already know the gender of mine. expecting another girl.
anyways, to your question, it can be frustrating sometimes when things are different from the way you're used to but when one is in a relationship, you also have to think of the other person's feelings and thoughts. my father is a heavy smoker so when i was preggie with my 1st, my husband don't really like me going over to my parents' - to me, i was used to it so i didn't really think about it being harmful to my baby. but my father knows that when he comes to our place, he doesn't smoke in our home - he goes downstairs or in stairwell to smoke .. even if he opens the window to smoke, my husband will know that he's been there .. it's about respecting each other's 'space' lor ..
anyways, to your question, it can be frustrating sometimes when things are different from the way you're used to but when one is in a relationship, you also have to think of the other person's feelings and thoughts. my father is a heavy smoker so when i was preggie with my 1st, my husband don't really like me going over to my parents' - to me, i was used to it so i didn't really think about it being harmful to my baby. but my father knows that when he comes to our place, he doesn't smoke in our home - he goes downstairs or in stairwell to smoke .. even if he opens the window to smoke, my husband will know that he's been there .. it's about respecting each other's 'space' lor ..
The problem is, though my MIL is around most of the time, she's so far the only one tat is like, still can tell her. From my HB, he says she's cutting down a lot for me and all. To me it looks the same. My FIL, works late and returns home late at nite. Most of the time on business trips. But when he is back, he wont deliberately move away to smoke. He will smoke in the living room as and when he likes. My SIL is a heavier smoker. Within 2 - 3 hrs she has come out to puff like 3 cig. So its like hard to tell them, pls dont smoke. Coz this kinda thing, u sort of expect them to be auto. But to them, as long as i dont puff into ur face, is considered very good already. But technically, the smoke travels. And no matter which corner of the living room or kitchen i go, there is still the smoke smell tat lingers. I go back to the bedroom, I can still smell a bit even with the door closed.
CUclainne and Heart, I'll be knowing the gender (hopefully) this fri during my appt. Well, as Heart says, doesn't realli matter the gender. Most importantly is tat its healthy and happy.
CUclainne and Heart, I'll be knowing the gender (hopefully) this fri during my appt. Well, as Heart says, doesn't realli matter the gender. Most importantly is tat its healthy and happy.
guess your MIL is the more understanding one, if that's the case, you might want to let her know, subtly, that the smoke is making you nauseous..
but this is only temporary measure, coz as long as you are staying in the same house with them, you cant escape from the smell of smoke..
but lets take a step at a time, curently you are not stable in your mood, so to prevent your mood swing from getting more serious, and higher your risk to natal blues, try out what we advise you, and see how it goes..
ok dear gal? worrying wont make your problem disppear. and if that is the case, why worry too much? i know its easy for us to say that, but seriously, isnt that the truth?
but this is only temporary measure, coz as long as you are staying in the same house with them, you cant escape from the smell of smoke..
but lets take a step at a time, curently you are not stable in your mood, so to prevent your mood swing from getting more serious, and higher your risk to natal blues, try out what we advise you, and see how it goes..
ok dear gal? worrying wont make your problem disppear. and if that is the case, why worry too much? i know its easy for us to say that, but seriously, isnt that the truth?