Since every couple is made up of unique personalities, you and your spouse should discover your own style of communication and not compare yourselves with other couples.
Silence is NOT Golden
Resolving conflicts in marriage
Conflict is part of every marriage. Even in the most ideal marriage, periods of discord are inevitable. The most important thing about marital conflicts is not how to avoid them, but how to manage them.
Couples are encouraged to learn and practise conflict resolution skills. At first it may seem awkward and unnatural, but once the couple becomes efficient at it, they often find the process rewarding.
10 Steps to Resolve Conflicts
1. Set a time and place for discussion
- Schedule a time suitable for both of you.
- Arrange a place that both of you will feel comfortable and will not be interrupted
2. Notice the symptoms
- Look out for signals that "something is wrong" ~ Is there tension between you? Are you distancing from each other? Is one of you feeling hurt or more irritable than the usual? If so, there is probably a conflict taht needs to be resolved.
3. Clarify the problem or issue of disagreement
- Select and discuss only one issue at a time. Trying to resolve more than one conflict at a time can be overwhelming and will create feelings of frustration.
4. Acknowledge your role in having created and maintained the problem.
- Accept responsiblity for your own contribution to the conflict. This helps to decrease defensiveness. Problems between two people usually involve both partners in some way.
5. List past attempts that failed to resolve the issue.
- This will allow you to realise that you have made efforts to resolve the conflict in the past, and to avoid potential solutions that have proven unsuccessful.
6. Brainstorm possible solutions
- Use your creativity to come up with as many solution as possible without being either judgemental or critical.
7. Discuss the pros and cons of proposed solutions
- For each proposed solution, list the appropriateness, your ability to implement it as well as the constraints.
- Discuss all the solutions, even though some may seem to be better than others.
8. Agree on one solution to try out
- Between both of you, arrive at a consensus as to which solution will work the best.
- Remember that the solution agreed upon is not always the first choice of either partner. Compromise is crucial to arrive at a workable solution.
- Both partners need to identify specifically what wach of them will do in carrying out the solution.
- Be specific and focus on observable behaviours. For example, "I will give you a call when I can't be home by 7 o'clock".
9. Evaluate progress and feasibility of solution adopted
- The next meeting should be reasonably soon (e.g. one week later). Use the meeting to discuss how successful the solution is. Ask yourself questions like "Is it working?". If it is not working, go back to reclarigy the issue or brainstorm solutions.
10. Celebrate and reward each other for the efforts put in to resolve the issue
- Share your observation of how your partner has positively contributed to resolving the conflict.
- Praise your partner for his/her effort.
Rules for Disagreements
1. No Criticism
2. No name-calling or labelling
3. Stick to the subject
- Don't raise other issues to prove a point
4. Avoid absolutes like "you always", "you never" or "everytime"
5. Agree to disgree
- Differences are not an obstacle to being intimate, but how you handle the differences can be.
6. Remember to love
- The person you are having conflicts with is not your enemy. He/she is the person whom you love and chose to marry.
7. Know when to stop
- When all you want to do is hurt your partner, or when one or both of you are out of control, it is time to stop the argument. Arrange for another time to resolve the issue.
8. When you find yourselves stuck in repetitive negative cycles of interactions, it is better to seek professional help
- Don't wait till the problem gets too big to handle.
9. Settle any argument before going to bed
- If it is impossible to do so, schedule another time and place to resolve the issue.
One of the hallmarks of a successful relationship is the ability to resolve conflicts effectively and in a way that is satisfactory to both partners. Many couples report that working successfully together in resolving conflicts brings them closer and create warm loving feelings. Try to practice all the steps and rules mentioned, and let conflicts bring the two of you closer, not further apart.
