Broke up & wish to reconcile

Sky_Pandas

New Member
I am 36 and he is 30, we were together for 8 months. We broke up on weekends (4 days ago) and had our final talk on Sunday. We were in serious relationship and it had always been stable, no fights or any big arguments. He expressed how much he loved me was always needy and wanted me to be around. Just few weeks ago, he was still afraid that I do not want to be with him.

Everything changed 2 weeks ago due to a false pregnancy scare which made him turned cold feet towards our future. He said he cannot see our future will work out and that he doesn't want to drag my time further as I am not getting any younger. He also emphasised that our cultures are different (he is European & I am Asian) and getting into my family to accept him may be also difficult.

We ended our talk very well and were opened and honest with our feelings. He also admitted that his feelings towards me never get any lesser, he still love me but just not strong enough to let him see our future. He was pretty determined to break up and told me his mind is set like... forever. As he didn't want to mess up our feelings and then back together like we used to, we agreed to give ourselves few weeks to focus back to our lives, to adjust and to re-adapt so we can meet up as friends to hang out coz we really enjoyed being with each other a lot. Till today, both of us still keeping our FB profile pics (photo of us) unchanged.

I am applying the no contact rule but I still have my things that I need at his place. Right now, I really just want to give ourselves space and time to discover ourselves and I know I am not ready to make any contact with him as I know I will bring myself feel negative all over again after the contact. Will 2 or 3 weeks sufficient for the no contact? His birthday is also exactly 30 days from now and I am hoping to have dinner with him (we did talk about that during our talk). I wish to turn up looking fresh and great to pick up my items before his day, and then to see how he react to the birthday invitation. Or should I skipped the collection and invite him out few days before his birthday?

Somehow I am feeling better as I am feeling positive that we still have chance to get back together, I know its unhealthy to feel that day but if I don't think this way, I will start going back to our past and make hell to my own emotions. Any advice?
 


Sky_Pandas

New Member
I dont understand as well. I think the scare made him realised his perspective of where we were heading. He felt that we were just 2 floating along without having ever serious thought about our future together. Which in some sense was true as I felt the same way. I had subconsciously built a wall between us, not allowing myself to let him come too close to my heart as I was afraid of getting hurt again due to my devastated past. And I had been asking myself the entire 8 months if I love him because I can't feel it as my heart was closed. I just really like him and enjoyed time together. Its only hours after the break up (I was still chill, sad of the lost but bearable).. I broke down badly when someone who me he could have left me coz he loved me too much (assumption tho).. It was then I realised my real feelings that I can't do without him. But it was too late. I told him how I felt later, but nothing able to change his mind. He just assumed nothing is gg to work and that he do not want to waste my time esp of my age unless we are still young. He do not want us to go through another few years and still feel things can't work out.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
TS, pardon me for being blatant. It's clear to see, at least for me , he just wants to be with you but have no intention to marry you. Ask yourselves honestly what you want ultimately in this relationship? Does your partner share the same believes ?should you reconcile without any commitment from his side , you will be in a no-win situation because he made it clear and it's you who is being hopeful. I can understand age is a concern for you but holding on to a non committed relationship like a life buoy is simply being a denial.
 

Katejake

New Member
Hello,

I guess he wasn't really ready for commitment despite the sweet and loving words spoken to you all the time. Afterall, there is this saying - Actions speak louder than words, isn't it? =)

So what has his action tell you? A guy who really wants you to be part of his life won't do this to you. It's gonna be a rough time but I think you should cut him off your life. Be strong~
 

Sky_Pandas

New Member
Right now I am able to think beyond many other things beside just focusing too much on getting back together. Now I am starting to ponder, what if we are really getting back? Will I want to be with someone who has commitment issue, or someone who left me once before because he cannot see future together? I think the main issue with me and my ex is not because we had stopped loving each other but its because we have too much love that comes with loads of uncertainty, he chose to end it because I am not getting any much younger. Time is really not on our favour, and I do not have that much youth to waste. Now I get a little wiser, I still wish we can get back together, but I have to be really careful handling it if that day really come. I really do not wish to get involved again, and then split again with the same reason in years to come.

I'm getting better and stronger each day. I want to live my life to the fullest again, because only good things will come to me when I feel all positive. =)
 

octobride

Member
Like you said, you do not have much youth to waste.
So better drop this guy (no matter how hard it'll be) and look for someone who is emotionally stable and sincerely wants to build a future with you.
All the best!
 

Sky_Pandas

New Member
Thanks but I think its hard to meet that someone who is that stable. As in, I don't know if I will waste another 8mths or maybe more with someone new, who seem to be perfect like my ex and also sincere at the first place... then break my heart again.
 

newproject

Active Member
I dont understand as well. I think the scare made him realised his perspective of where we were heading. He felt that we were just 2 floating along without having ever serious thought about our future together. Which in some sense was true as I felt the same way. I had subconsciously built a wall between us, not allowing myself to let him come too close to my heart as I was afraid of getting hurt again due to my devastated past.

No offense but your posts including this one above show you aren't the most stable person when it comes to relationships.

There are clearly unresolved trust issues due to past relationships failing so even if the guy was stable and nice it would probably still be a up hill battle.

You might want to consider counseling.

All I can say is my advice is to go into relationships with a open mind and not hang on too tight to them.

I know a lot of girls have this idea they will be married by 28, have kids by x etc. It drives them totally crazy or they will cling on to totally wrong guys because they fear they are running out of time.

A better attitude is to be hopeful but let fate take its course. To be frank the guy's 6 years younger than you and guys mature later (and he's not Asian) it was unlikely to work sadly for many guys.

You are 36 a more realistic target is guys 36 to 40.

It's still possible for woman today in their late 30s and 40s to give birth so don't give up hope and settle on any guy who first comes along.

Assuming you find a nice guy, dare 2 years and marry it's still possible to have kids.

Good luck..
 

Funnybelly

New Member
Hi TS,

I signed up an account to reply to this. I am sorry to hear about your plight and would like you to know that it would be better for you to move on without him.

I married a european (dated 3 yrs and married for 3 yrs) and there is no such thing as fear of families not accepting the other party. Most of them are very open, always welcoming and know there are culture differences but we can make it work. I get along very well with my hb's direct and extended family members. I think he is just bullshitting you.

As for a man as stable, is it financially?

I married mine without needing him to earn big bucks. We are living with my parents at the moment while waiting for our BTO. Its the right choice in terms of savings and getting to know the only family he have got in Singapore( and my fam can know him too). What I am trying to say is as long as he's the one it doesnt matter if he earn a huge ton as long as he strives hard.

Dont waste anymore time in wanting him back if he isnt ready. I don't think he is ready for change. He don't love you as much for a challenge like that.

If by any chance you got together again, you can bring him to your family and vice versa. It will help settle his doubts.

Best of luck to you love.
 

newproject

Active Member
Funnybelly

To be fair the excuse was the lady's family wouldn't accept him. Not the other way.

But still an excuse.

I think the maturity and stability part is not necessarily income related but simply due to the age difference.

The guy here is barely 30. While the woman is 36. Not a good match while dating even if both were chinese.

How old were you and your hubby when you married?
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Sky_Pandas,

It would be wiser to give up now and never look back.A guy who have second thoughts abt the relationship hardly would change his mind.Moreover he seems to have 'cold feet' about the false pregnancy alarm.its clear that he is not serious abt the relationship and will not be responsible should anything happen.its not worth waiting for him.If he said he still loves you deeply,get him to prove it.Actions speaks louder than words.
 
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Staypositive

Active Member
Wouldn't think it's the age difference that caused him to have second thoughts abt the relationship.If he minds he wouldn't have dated in the first place.i would think he is just trying out since the courtship was not long and he is not willing to commit to the relationship.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
A million 'I love you' uttered its incomparable to a sincere,loving action.It would be better to stop harbouring hopes of any form of reconciliation and to move on to someone who truly loves and treasure you.saves u a lot of heartache later on.Since he already make it clear to you that it's hard to see any future between the both of you,just let go.its very tough to built a future with just the effort of one party.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Dun despair and Jia you!try to involve yourself in more social activities.:) your life is not just abt relationships. There are ppl out there who cares for u.:)
 

Staypositive

Active Member
No offense but your posts including this one above show you aren't the most stable person when it comes to relationships.

There are clearly unresolved trust issues due to past relationships failing so even if the guy was stable and nice it would probably still be a up hill battle.

You might want to consider counseling.

All I can say is my advice is to go into relationships with a open mind and not hang on too tight to them.

I know a lot of girls have this idea they will be married by 28, have kids by x etc. It drives them totally crazy or they will cling on to totally wrong guys because they fear they are running out of time.

A better attitude is to be hopeful but let fate take its course. To be frank the guy's 6 years younger than you and guys mature later (and he's not Asian) it was unlikely to work sadly for many guys.

You are 36 a more realistic target is guys 36 to 40.

It's still possible for woman today in their late 30s and 40s to give birth so don't give up hope and settle on any guy who first comes along.

Assuming you find a nice guy, dare 2 years and marry it's still possible to have kids.

Good luck..

Not every guy is as realistic as you.At the present age there are still couples where the guy is younger than the girl and who works out perfectly fine. And being Eurasian should be more modernised in thinking compared to Asians.for the situation it would boil down to a guy mindset towards relationships.how he view relationships and the commitment level.
 

newproject

Active Member
Not every guy is as realistic as you.At the present age there are still couples where the guy is younger than the girl and who works out perfectly fine. And being Eurasian should be more modernised in thinking compared to Asians.for the situation it would boil down to a guy mindset towards relationships.how he view relationships and the commitment level.

There are couples where the guy is younger by 6 years or more but either

1) They met a lot earlier eg 21 and 28

Or

2) They ok with not having kids.

I totally disagree about European guys not caring about the age of the woman. In general this desire in man for young fertile females and woman's for security (aka lots of $$) is universal.

That's why you look at the statistics older man younger woman pairings are far more common than the reverse even for America etc.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Eurasians are a mix of East and West.Hence their value system may not be as strong as pure Asians.I did not say All Eurasian guys do not mind a lady's age.However,there are some who seriously don't consider age as a factor.quoting on ur argument on guys desire for child bearing ladies and ladies need for guys who can provide financial security, is like what you mentioned,just a generalisation, "in general" and does not represent the entire population of either gender group.ultimately it still boils down on one value system.We cannot simply generalised and perceive with tinted glasses.
 
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Funnybelly

New Member
Funnybelly

To be fair the excuse was the lady's family wouldn't accept him. Not the other way.

But still an excuse.

I think the maturity and stability part is not necessarily income related but simply due to the age difference.

The guy here is barely 30. While the woman is 36. Not a good match while dating even if both were chinese.

How old were you and your hubby when you married?

Sorry maybe I left that part out. My family was very surprised to know about me dating a foreigner however they are also very open and friendly with my now-PIL.

I hope TS will stay strong and move forward towards a new start. I think the fake pregnancy scare woke him up for something he isn't ready for. Dont give up! He is still out there!

Lots of love for you TS x
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Sorry maybe I left that part out. My family was very surprised to know about me dating a foreigner however they are also very open and friendly with my now-PIL.

I hope TS will stay strong and move forward towards a new start. I think the fake pregnancy scare woke him up for something he isn't ready for. Dont give up! He is still out there!

Lots of love for you TS x


Well,the guy dun seem ready for commitment and ur telling sky_panda to hold on to the hope that he might come back one day? He already make it clear to her that he can't see a future with her.
 

newproject

Active Member
Eurasians are a mix of East and West.Hence their value system may not be as strong as pure Asians.I did not say All Eurasian guys do not mind a lady's age.However,there are some who seriously don't consider age as a factor.quoting on ur argument on guys desire for child bearing ladies and ladies need for guys who can provide financial security, is like what you mentioned,just a generalisation, "in general" and does not represent the entire population of either gender group.ultimately it still boils down on one value system.We cannot simply generalised and perceive with tinted glasses.

Why do you keep saying eurasian?

The post only says his culture is European hers Asian.

As for generalisation your posts are full of it too, it's unavoidable when people talk and give advice.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Why do you keep saying eurasian?

The post only says his culture is European hers Asian.

As for generalisation your posts are full of it too, it's unavoidable when people talk and give advice.

I just can't agree Completely with ur generalization just like u can't agree to mine.there are no 100 percent situation in every case.

That guy dun seem to be completely European in the description. He might be Eurasian.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
I dun agree when u said generalization are unavoidable when giving advice.one should remain objective instead of being subjective.if not,the opinion is biased.
 

newproject

Active Member
I dun agree when u said generalization are unavoidable when giving advice.one should remain objective instead of being subjective.if not,the opinion is biased.

All advice to a large extent is subjective based on your own values and past experiences. That's why there is no right or wrong answer.

It's hilarious you think your advice is objective. It's advice not math.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Hahaha..define objective.u nv fail to put ppl down. Must force ppl to agree to u.your past experiences does not mean that other experiences are similar to yours.must have facts also.everyone situation is differently,cannot use one method fits all.its not right.

Anyway hope u dun think I'm defying u or what and start another word war full of sarcasm.btw,stop private msging me and calling me names.there is no need to add personal insults.
 

newproject

Active Member
Wah you really are a piece of work.

On one hand you lecture people on being "objective" because they disagree with you.

And yet on another hand accusing others of forcing people to agree with them?
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Wah you really are a piece of work.

On one hand you lecture people on being "objective" because they disagree with you.

And yet on another hand accusing others of forcing people to agree with them?

Hmm...since when do I lecture ppl on being objective?im OK if ppl disagree but disagree peacefully,not filled with sarcasm and personal insults.

Whether you feel ppl is really accusing you that you forced ppl to agree with ur opinions,you know very well yourself. Do reflect.

Once again,everyone situation is different ,u do not have to get everyone to agree to u just becos u have experienced it,is unhappy and think it's right.so kindly dun impose ur resentment onto others.
 
That little test just shows that he doesn't want to settle down just yet . not ready for a family nor any commitments ... i suggest TS you give him 1 last chance to voice his concern & listen to his side of story upon his reaction ... then come to a conclusion yourself... Hope everything turns out well !
 

Funnybelly

New Member
He
Well,the guy dun seem ready for commitment and ur telling sky_panda to hold on to the hope that he might come back one day? He already make it clear to her that he can't see a future with her.

I didn't encourage her to go back.
He (The One) is still out there. Don't give up hope in seeking the true one is what i mean. :)
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Some ppl think they are always right.when ppl point out their faults,they get angry and wants to get back at ppl.is such ppl eligible to give advice?if ppl take it personally and attack you,what can you do?
 

Staypositive

Active Member
This was what the so-called 'Gd advisor' has written in the private msg.o_O Even
though I told him not to private msg me with those nonsense.Only dare to attack secretly but no guts to admit to mistakes upfront.
 
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Staypositive

Active Member

  1. newprojectMember
    You clearly have compulsive behavior disorder. Can reply the same message or post multiple times in succession.

    You can't type proper English.

    By saying "at least.." you just confirmed what I said.

    Nvm I leave you to your sad life where you got to try to remember to stay positive cos your life is sad.

    newproject, Thursday at 10:53 PMReport
    Reply

Newproject

What right do you have to say that I suffer from compulsive behavior disorder?ur an expert in this area?posting multiple times means have that disorder? So information must be clustered together in only one post?cannot have additional posts for newer ideas?even essays have paragraphs.

Do you speak Queen's English yourself?

Btw,my life is not sad.i believe in exercising positivity instead of adding more negativity to other ppl situations.look at some of ur own posts.

Btw,you can choose to disagree peacefully,whether adding personal insults or degrading comments.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Btw,you can choose to disagree peacefully,whether adding personal insults or degrading comments.

"whether" should be "without" .typo error.if you are going to gloat abt this error,then ur really mean.
 

Funnybelly

New Member
Hi funny belly,u said dun give up,he is still out there,so it sounds rather ambiguous.thot the he refers to the ex bf..

I should have been more clear. My apologies. Just typed it off the top of my head and should have been more specific. Lets not worry about that anymore. I learn something new every day as a newbie forumer. :)

Cheers.
 
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miloice

Well-Known Member
stay positive, well, there is an edit function that you can use. Some years back, I had been accused of manipulating the messages and abusing the edit function. o_O

That's how our minds work, we type as more thoughts come to mind. It might not be natural for everyone though. Diversity is normal. He is a blunt guy, to be fair, he brought up some good points too. Reading the exchanges are painful. Peace everyone.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
stay positive, well, there is an edit function that you can use. Some years back, I had been accused of manipulating the messages and abusing the edit function. o_O

That's how our minds work, we type as more thoughts come to mind. It might not be natural for everyone though. Diversity is normal. He is a blunt guy, to be fair, he brought up some good points too. Reading the exchanges are painful. Peace everyone.

Miloice

Thanks for trying to be the peacemaker.i know there is an edit function but somehow there is a panel that kept popping up whenever I tried to save changes,so no choice have to create new posts again..

Being blunt does not mean he can insult ppl in such a manner.saying ppl have disorder is totally uncalled for.does he have to resort to such extreme?it really speaks volumes of his own character.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
I should have been more clear. My apologies. Just typed it off the top of my head and should have been more specific. Lets not worry about that anymore. I learn something new every day as a newbie forumer. :)

Cheers.
Hi, appreciate that u made the clarification.:)
 

newproject

Active Member
wah.... why so personal to take it to this level
*Palm face*

I sent him a initial message with subject truce BTW.

He continued to act aggressively because he can't put down the fact I embarassed him by pointing out he thinks dates are guys paying in exchange for "physical intimacy" . but never mind I let him have the last word in that thread because I know he won't stop.

Its the same in other threads, I already let him have the last words, he still not happy.

Sigh
 
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Staypositive

Active Member
Since when do u allow me to have the last word? If someone agrees with u,u tell others you are waiting for someone to disagree.isnt that taunting?and btw,it's pretty rude to insult ppl like this.ur the aggressive one,not me.

And if u really want to make peace,what for send the above negative msgs??
 

newproject

Active Member
Btw,you can choose to disagree peacefully,whether adding personal insults or degrading comments.

"whether" should be "without" .typo error.if you are going to gloat abt this error,then ur really mean.

Let's be frank. Ever since i pointed out you exposed your own thinking by you bringing up how guys pay for first dates and in exchange "take advantage" of girls by "physical intimacy" you were on a war path with me despite your own reminder to staypostive.

Anyway stay positive hope your life situation improves but you may wqnr to consider you are doing it wrong.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Let's be frank. Ever since i pointed out you exposed your own thinking by you bringing up how guys pay for first dates and in exchange "take advantage" of girls by "physical intimacy" you were on a war path with me despite your own reminder to staypostive.

Anyway stay positive hope your life situation improves but you may wqnr to consider you are doing it wrong.


You are not answering my questions and instead is trying to find fault in another area.if u truly want to make peace,why can't ur tone be nicer? All u do is give degrading comments as a defense for ur own mean words.

Haha,u exposed me?its u who dun comprehend Despite my Countless Explanations. u keep insisting that way.can anyone change ur mind since its Already Fixed??Dun try to change the topic.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
I sent him a initial message with subject truce BTW.

He continued to act aggressively because he can't put down the fact I embarassed him by pointing out he thinks dates are guys paying in exchange for "physical intimacy" . but never mind I let him have the last word in that thread because I know he won't stop.

Its the same in other threads, I already let him have the last words, he still not happy.

Sigh

  1. newprojectMember
    Anyway I already said truce and in many threads I let you have the last word.

    OK lah I pity you cos despite all your rambling and clichéd "advice" you still single can't find anyone.

    I wish you good luck.

    newproject, Thursday at 11:03 PMReport
    Reply

    This is another msg from him. He only posted truce in the heading and said the above sarcastic words.if he is truly letting me have the last words does he have to make negative comments calling ppl sad, have disorder and etc?!is that really truce on his part?? Criticizing ppl is the way to make peace?
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Let's be frank. Ever since i pointed out you exposed your own thinking by you bringing up how guys pay for first dates and in exchange "take advantage" of girls by "physical intimacy" you were on a war path with me despite your own reminder to staypostive.

Anyway stay positive hope your life situation improves but you may wqnr to consider you are doing it wrong.


I'm on war path with u?? Ur the one who kept accusing me of something which I'm not despite my countless explanation.ur fixed on ur Own Comprehension.can anyone change that?
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Let's be frank. Ever since i pointed out you exposed your own thinking by you bringing up how guys pay for first dates and in exchange "take advantage" of girls by "physical intimacy" you were on a war path with me despite your own reminder to staypostive.

Anyway stay positive hope your life situation improves but you may wqnr to consider you are doing it wrong.

Btw,ur not answering my question.it is ok to insult ppl just becos u want to win an argument?even after my explanation u still Insisted on ur own view, and kept finding excuses or add sarcasm not to accept the explanation,is that right? Ur ask urself honestly. all ur reply are full of sarcasm.dun try to change the topic.all this while u have been calling me all sort of names.is that right?seriously u just wanted to make others look bad while covering ur own flaws.
 

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Staypositive

Active Member

  1. newprojectMember
    Its obvious you treat this forum very seriously .

    But let me end with one thought , are youmarried? Are you in a successful relationship? Are you generally happy with your career?

    If your answer is no to any one of these questions you may want to think about dispensing advice

    newproject, Today at 12:19 PMReport
    Reply

    Latest post from him.he is implying that we can take this forum lightly which means saying all sorts of things since this is the Internet,and we are shrouded with anonymity.

    He is also implying that only married ppl are Fit to give advice.is that fair to say that?

    All this while nothing is being addressed abt the negative things that was being said,only empty ,baseless defences. Perhaps running away from the issues is easier than facing the music.
 

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