Boyfriend didn't propose...

Bellangel

New Member
Hi all, so my boyfriend and I have been together for more than 3 years now. I am late 20s while he is early 30s. We've lived together for about 2 years. I've quit my job and moved countries for him because he had to move for his job. He wanted me to move with him and mentioned that our r/s would progress very slowly if I didn't move. So I did.

So anyway, he had mentioned in 2013 that he expects us to get engaged in 2014. 2014 came and went and nothing happened. Of course I got upset after the deadline went by without a proposal and asked him what was going on. Apparently he felt that 'we' were not ready for marriage and he was not ready to propose either but he is not far away from proposing. I didn't believe him and even asked him if he had even gotten a ring, he said no.

I feel cheated and led on by the whole situation. :(

Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Did I make the mistake for moving countries with him?
 


Well. Try leaving him and see. If he still does not bother, then you probably don't have to bother about him in the future.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hard to conclude just based on what you wrote. However, it seems that the communication isn't that great. Both have to leave to assumptions. Why do you need to wait for 2014 to pass before you realize he isn't going to marry. When he says, it is not quite ready, what are his considerations? COMMUNICATE and if you guys cannot align on your goals and needs, don't waste time on it. There is no such thing as almost. He might have some plans and objectives that he feels are important, don't take this kind of answer and not try to understand more.

If you guys cannot share your thoughts as a couple, forget marriage. Why would you want to marry someone that you cannot even understand and share with? It seems your feeling aren't so important for him. You have to take responsibility of going along with all these unclear messages. Feel cheated? You were a willing party in a way.
 
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buddhabar

Active Member
Hi bellangel, 3 yrs ain't that long for a relationship but it's best to protect yourself by setting a time line. Not sure if 2014 is already considered yours. I wouldn't allow a guy to hold me for too long. men being men will always be procrastinating. If he hold you up for marriage then he will most probably hold you up for a family even if he marry
you. Cohabiting ain't doing you a favour tho most couples does that nowadays. In a cohabitation, men would tend to slip into a comfort zone. To them, it's like a marriage without the legal bindings. They take it for granted and don't see the need to move on to marriage because they feel they are as good as married. 3 years of cohabitation to a man is like a lifetime. i have seen it in my friend who cohabited for a good 6 yrs before they "divorced". Unfortunately she doesn't have another 6 years as she's already in her 40s. If I were you, I wouldn't leave him but I will move out to remind him I am not his wife yet.
 
Hi Bellangel, I am not in the similar position to comment but I would like to share with you my thoughts. I am already turning 34 in exactly 1 mth's time. Getting married this Oct. I am with my HTB for 1 yr (25/12/13) & he proposed to me on 24/12/14. We have settled our wedding venue, pre-wedding shoot & bridal package by in just 3 weeks (18/1/2015) after his proposal.
Am I pregnant to rush the wedding? The ans is no as we never believe in cohabition. We are both believer of God.
What I m trying to say is if a man wants to marry you, you dun have to wait. It looks like you need to remind him. Do you feel like begging for somethg he promised?
The thing is I agree with Miloic & buddhabar. Its an easy way out for men to hold you back. The fact you felt cheated is a true feeling after 3 yrs of waiting.
I had a bad relationship with a guy after waiting for him to commit. He would chase me back when any guy was interested in me. When we got back, he treated me with inconsistency. He talked about marriage but never even introduced me to his family. I had to guess his thoughts. Alot of assumptions because he do not know how to communicate properly. Took me 2yrs to final decide to leave him once & for all.
Dun settle for the 2nd best. U deserve the best! Stay away fr him for a while & u see his true colour. He takes ur presence for granted. You are at the disadvantage in this cohabition. I felt being held up by a man who is unworthy to wait for. Now I am in a happy relationship because I have made the choice to be stopped treated unfairly & inconsistently. I met my HTB who is a responsible man in relationship. Looks at how he treats his family, friends, the young,old & poor ones. We plan our lives together. We talk about it. I know this is the right one.
I wish you can sort out ur heart matters. Its a terribly feeling to feel like play out, cheated etc. You have a choice to be happy for yourself. I have made mine! Jia u!!!
 

nudieposh

Member
hi @Bellangel, when i first saw your subject, i thought you are in the same situation as me. like what @Terence Yong had commented, i am also not in the similar position but i would like to share with you my situation.

both my htb and i had a very bad rship b4 we got together and once we get together for only a few months, he started talking about marriage and how we should start saving. and we saved... and started e actual planning few months ago. BUT he hasn't propose. i tried to sound him out and he said yes its coming. so i thought ok, just carry on with the planning first.. then our planning proceed with us confirming on our bridal studio... our AD... BUT he hasn't proposed yet. and gfs and ladies who heard tt are starting to scream at me.... 'How can this be' 'How can this happen' 'this he taking things for granted?' 'why did you let him go past this so easily.' and lastly the comment that really set me thinking, 'will he ever proposed, since your planning is already in this stage.'

all these while, i am waiting and kept asking him for the proposal and e answer is always e same... 'you will receive it before the pre-wedding photoshoot.' but this time, i am really a little inpatient. i talked to him about my thoughts and how i am finally a little affected with how other ladies are commenting. and i think this time it really get into him. and i started seeing him looking at rings and such. and i question him why e wait in the first place, he said i will know when i receive my ring.

i feel communication is very imrportant in a relationship. i can keep asking him for my proposal ring every other day, but it takes a serious tone n body language to set it into him. maybe you can try taking to him seriously, ask questions. if he said he is not ready, ask him why is he thinking so? monetary or his career? most importantly, share with him your feelings. make it known that you are upset over things. dont hold doubts. it makes you terrible.

good luck and i hope you can resolve things soon and be a happy bride! :)
 

ohsammy

Member
A guy who doesn't keep to his word should always ring your alarm bell. I think reliability is a trait we don't prioritise enough in our relationships. People who are reliable are the ones who're the real keepers. If he doesn't stick to his promise, or doesn't give you a good explanation why he changed his mind, he is NOT reliable.

Vague explanations like "Yes yes the proposal is coming soon" does not count as an assurance you can rely on, btw.
 

DreamyzBride

New Member
Hi Bellangel, like the rest of the members here, I think that communication is very important. You could try to hint him a little bit, and talk to him seriously on how you feel. As a lady myself, I know, many of us would want to have a romantic proposal. But in fact sometimes, reality beats over fantasy. It really depends on the guy character. Some guys are too shy or do not feel the needs for such proposal, and would express in a more realistic manner. Some of my guy friends just ask their gf to apply HDB and got married after that. Do communicate with your partner and hope that you can resolve this difficult stage soon. I wish you best of luck!
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Hi Bellangel, I am not in the similar position to comment but I would like to share with you my thoughts. I am already turning 34 in exactly 1 mth's time. Getting married this Oct. I am with my HTB for 1 yr (25/12/13) & he proposed to me on 24/12/14. We have settled our wedding venue, pre-wedding shoot & bridal package by in just 3 weeks (18/1/2015) after his proposal.
Am I pregnant to rush the wedding? The ans is no as we never believe in cohabition. We are both believer of God.
What I m trying to say is if a man wants to marry you, you dun have to wait. It looks like you need to remind him. Do you feel like begging for somethg he promised?
The thing is I agree with Miloic & buddhabar. Its an easy way out for men to hold you back. The fact you felt cheated is a true feeling after 3 yrs of waiting.
I had a bad relationship with a guy after waiting for him to commit. He would chase me back when any guy was interested in me. When we got back, he treated me with inconsistency. He talked about marriage but never even introduced me to his family. I had to guess his thoughts. Alot of assumptions because he do not know how to communicate properly. Took me 2yrs to final decide to leave him once & for all.
Dun settle for the 2nd best. U deserve the best! Stay away fr him for a while & u see his true colour. He takes ur presence for granted. You are at the disadvantage in this cohabition. I felt being held up by a man who is unworthy to wait for. Now I am in a happy relationship because I have made the choice to be stopped treated unfairly & inconsistently. I met my HTB who is a responsible man in relationship. Looks at how he treats his family, friends, the young,old & poor ones. We plan our lives together. We talk about it. I know this is the right one.
I wish you can sort out ur heart matters. Its a terribly feeling to feel like play out, cheated etc. You have a choice to be happy for yourself. I have made mine! Jia u!!!
Agree with "Terence yong"... guess that is her htb?

When i met my wife, we become an item in 2 months. Broke up in 4th. Got back 3 months after. Since then, i knew i wanted to marry her. i had the proposal ring for more than 9 months. All these while she didnt have a clue. Took us another year to rom. Customary came yet another year after. First kid only on our 6th year.

Reason for sharing this. Decision to marry don't take long. The planning and implementation could be long. If he is delaying his Decision. It means he isnt really wanting u. He is still hanging on and waiting in case something else comes along.
 

bearine

Member
My hubby did formally proposed to me. But the actual proposal doesnt touch me as much as the time he "proposed" to get a BTO tgt. For me, the main impt thing is whether does he introduce you to his family.
 

naiyoucreamy

Active Member
I also think communication is important. Previously i also felt so tired to move on despite settling my venue n bridal studio when bf didnt propose..9 years... and i was gettinb really tired.. but little did i expect him to have surprised me during our trip...
 
My parents asked me when we getting married.
I told them at the age of 24 but hubby said wait till he turned 30 (to be financially stable).
I told him that either I marry him at the age of 24 or I would find someone as 29 was too late for me.
I married him when I turned 24 but I married a workaholic as he wants to give the family a comfortable life.

I personally feel that when a person sincerely loves his partner, he or she will not hesitate to get married.
We will also delay or postpone our marriage when we are not ready.
 

sadman2009

Active Member
Tell him, if he wants to marry you or not. If not you will leave. Tell him, it's not forcing him but to give each other a space for thoughts.


Using SingaporeBrides app
 

christine2015

New Member
I agreed with some gals that communication is very impt. During our courtship, i told him that I would only settle down with him till he propose. I don't need a big ring, I don't need a lot of friends to be present, I don't need him to book a very nice and expensive hotel. But he need to propose. When my friend get married without propose and my friend is sad. I would tell him that my friend is sad but no choice. A 'Hint' to him.
 

fern1234

New Member
I feel you and I'm kind of in the same situation with you. I've decided to buy myself a diamond ring instead.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
Waiting for a overdue proposal?
Buying yourselves a diamond ring ?

Please bear in mind things happened because you allow them to.
It literately took me 10 years to understand this statement,
please don't waste so many of your precious years to realize it.
You don't have infinite youth my dear
 

yinsy

New Member
Ladies, I need ur advice.
Bf and i have got our bto q number. Going to select our unit soon. Unit will only be ready by 2020. We know that we will get marry before the unit is ready. He is 34 and I am 27. Things just fall into place naturally. We talked about marriage and wedding. BUT 64 millions question is he never say he want to marry me. The feeling is insecurity is making me suffocating. Pls help!
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
where is the insecurity, what do you mean he never say he want to marry you when you guy talked about marriage and wedding?!?
 

yinsy

New Member
***the feeling OF insecurity.
He never say or propose at all. When I talk about wedding stuff, he will discuss. If I don't mention anymore, and he will keep quiet. It seems like is one sided
 

Suess

New Member
First, think of what you want. Then, go talk to the man and find out what he wants. See if you can align both and work from there. Honestly, having been a globetrotter, I think you never waste time moving countries, sure, the reasoning may be a bit off in hindsight but you have gained so much exposure and experience that you can never get staying at home. But it sounds like something hasn't been communicated properly. If you both are on different levels and it is unacceptable to you, just leave and don't look back or worry about wasted time. You have never wasted time if you act in a way true to what you want. Life is too short to compromise on being truthful to yourself.
 
Yinsy, this is Fioeve. I do feel u. But m sharing w u the wonderful thg i experienced when my HTB asked to apply BTO w him in Mar 2014. We booked it in jul 14. So its very mutual arrangement. All these while we talked about life. We didnt talk about wedding preparation until he proposed in dec 2014. But I knew its coming fr him very soon. I enjoyed my time w him. He had been secretly planning. I knew the time will come. All u need to do is to tell him u value offical proposal. Our wedding is this Oct & i am enjoying planning progress w him.
 

OYHZ

Member
Imho, 3 years isn't that long :)
Talk to him and try to understand his reasons for "delaying" the proposal/engagement. It could be merely simple reasons from a guy's point of view. Perhaps he has high expectation of the engagement ring or engagement party or the housing and simply wants to spend more time saving up for it? Or maybe, he's just very comfortable with status quo.. Which isn't a bad thing as both of you are happy in this relationship ;)
Don't let your anxiety run loose, after propoer communication, it may just turn out that your worries are unfound.. :)
 

yinsy

New Member
Thanks Fioeve. Both his parents and mine keep asking us from time to time. But I told him that I don't want to talk much because I know he will know what to do. I have faith in him. So he said he know. I will just waiiiiiit patiently for my proposal.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
communication is key in any relationship. If the couple cannot have a heart to heart talk to share and align their goals and expectations, ask yourself, WHY DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED FOR?

There have been several people sharing the same issue and each time, the gal is unable to communicate what is important for her with her partner. COMMUNICATE.
 
Thanks Fioeve. Both his parents and mine keep asking us from time to time. But I told him that I don't want to talk much because I know he will know what to do. I have faith in him. So he said he know. I will just waiiiiiit patiently for my proposal.
Hey Yinsy, same situation as mine. Both of our parents were asking back then & helping our marriage on its way too. The thg for Singaporeans to get married is to get a flat 1st. I have heard of so many couples to apply BTO 1st then proposal. I believe u & ur partner hav plan for marriage. I can sense u are anxious when u didnt appear to make proposal fast enough to make u feel security. U can drop hints to him in a humerous manner. Give him a smile. Its women nature to talk more. Just talk about life with him, can surround topic on house renovation, names of kids, type of wedding venue etc. Some men dun wish to push thgs too hard. Women dun nag too much to men too. Its our privilege to share our tots with them. Most importantly there is common goal in your life with him. Stay cheerful & dun ur charm to him. The reason y he wans to apply flat w u is that he wans a life w u. Jia u!!!
 
my htb took a long time to propose also but always talking about babies and marriage with me. in fact he said that he wanted to marry me since day 1 which is like so cheesy and lame. but over the years (5 years) he has only been singing one tune - want to marry you and have a baby with you. i got a bit annoyed cos i wonder why he never propose if he kept saying then i realise he is just trying very hard to save up as much as he can for the future - not to have just enough for ring or wedding or house or baby, but to have a reserve so that he feels safe and secured financially for rainy weathers before he officially bring me over as his wife. so i think communication really is key here. i told htb my concerns (before we got engaged) only to realise what his plan was all along - the reserve part - and then i understood. at least he wasn't a bad person lar to drag me along and he meant what he said. so from talking to him then i understood what he was doing.

actually, in the end we sort of propose to each other lor like i got him something he really liked and could keep forever and asked him to be my hubby and he got a ring also. so it worked out lar. jia you! fighting!
 

Flo19

New Member
the same happened to my bf and now turn fiancee.... :p he forever gave me excuses.... like "i just get a job, not enough money to marry", "why do you feel we need to get married? we are happy now. all marriage can break anyway" and all thousands reason. so i fed up and got angry one day and say i want to break up with him because he is not serious :mad:. he thought i was joking, but i didn't answer his call or chat. i also changed my facebook status to single. afterward... he come to my place directly few times. we argued for few days :mad: and then he proposed.

if you love someone, surely you want to marry her and promise to live just with her, right? if he can't even give his proposal means he is not even certain that he wants to be with you for the rest of his live.
 

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