2nd affair..to give up or not?

W

whyagain

New Member
My husband is having a 2nd affair which i discovered 2 days ago. First affair happened 4 years ago when we just started our relationship, but we managed to jump that hurdle together and I regained my trust towards him.

After that, he proposed and we got married. We are almost 2 years into our marriage now, and it happened again. This time, with a 10 yrs younger girl which was his friend. She even came to our wedding that time.

It raised my suspicions through our daily lives, when we were out with our friends, he will always be smsing her, when she has some relationship problems, he will be the one going all the way out to console her, worrying for her. Finally, through her blog, I realised my suspicions are real. She is even counting down to the day our marriage reaches 3 years, so we can get a divorce.. my heart sunk when I read all the contents in her blog, word by word, it unleash all the lies that my husband has told me,it really pricks my heart like a sharp knife.

After I know the truth, I asked my husband out for a talk. He admitted that he is romantically involved with her and he knew it is wrong. He told me he is already trying to slowly get himself back on the right track before I get hurt by him again, but it is now too late as I already knew abt the affair.

He said whenever I didn't grab his attention, he would tend to do stupid things like this. He said he has set targets for himself to buy a house with me, to get the job he wanted, but nothing is moving despite him trying and working so hard. Hence, he felt there is no point working so hard, thus he might as well do what he likes. And from there, he derailed.

He cried when he told me he knows i am a great wife and he loves me alot, and i am definitely the last person he wants to hurt. But whenever i don't grab his attention or our life gets too stagnant, he will tend to do funny things. He said he has been trying very hard to focus on our marriage and me, fighting back the bad thoughts in him.

The question now is.. I didn't know if I could forgive him again. I felt so betrayed, after all the saga from the first affair, i thought our relationship has became stronger. That's why I married him. Few months back when he asked for some personal time with his friends, I let him spend time with them as I trusted him fully. Even till wee hours, I didn't say a word of displeased.

I started reflecting on myself on what I have not done enough.. maybe I haven't been giving him too much attention, maybe I am too easily contented with a stable and stagnant life so I didn't really make an effort to spice things up now. All these, he said it's not my fault, i have done enough and i'm the perfect wife.. it's just him who doesn't know how to be contented. He ask me to give him 1 month's time to settle things with the gal..

I am now thinking whether I should just let this marriage go, cos I really don't want to live in a marriage which I will feel insecure all the time. In life, sometimes it will get stagnant at some point of time. Whenever he feels it's stagnant, does it mean that I have to prepare myself to be hurt again? But on the other hand, do I really want to give up now?

What should I do, I am really hurt this time..lost..
 


Why be subject to his lies again? One who does not learn from mistakes should not be given a second chance. If you do not have a child yet, it will be much simpler than to drag. For a person who constantly stray, it will be lies after lies. Don't wait till you have children, then the poor kids will be affected.
 
Since there's no kids n hse involved, y not u consider a temporary separation to sort out your thoughts?

IMO, he's not that ready to settle down and just like a idea of a "perfect wife" waiting for him while leading another lifestyle outside.

A leopard won't change its spot and it's very tiring for this to keep repeating. Even if it's not her, there will be another her, her, her and her.

But whenever i don't grab his attention or our life gets too stagnant, he will tend to do funny things.

How about in the future when there's kids? Isn't there more excuse for him to fling outside?
 
TOW is counting down to the day you both can divorce. Only point to 2 possible things :

1. Either he is lying to her cos' he cannot / does not want to cut off the affair, so lies that he will divorce once able to. This is pure delay tactics. This type of man cannot be trusted. Even if this affair is over, there will bounce to be more.

2. If he is not lying to her about the divorce, so it means he is serious with her.

In both possibilities, do you still want this type of husabnd?
 
He has already betrayed you before walking down the aisle, and yet betrayed you again.

If you still believe in him, do u still want to be betrayed again after birth?
 
Dear whyagain,

Do not allow ur hubby to hurt u again. No mattee how much ur marriage has stagnated and no matter how little attention u hav given him, it is still nt an excuse for ur hubby to go n hav an affair. He sounds like he is blaming u. He sounds immatured...if d marriage is really stagnated then having an affair w another woman is nt d right solution to d problem.

U shld never allow anyone to hurt u. Nt even ur hubby, regardless of d situation.

Is ur hubby gg to dump d gal or still continue d affair?

Do u hav kids? Before u find urself pregnant n bring an innocent life into tis world, u hav to make a decision fast. Do it b4 he hurts u again. D decision tat u make muz b one tat makes u happy .

I can't tell u specifically wat decision u shld make. Bt if i were u i wld leave him. Cuz if my hubby can cheat on me TWICE it only means he dun truly love me n has no respect for me.
 
blueprincess
Feel glad you have the above comments. Finally I see firmess in you. Don't let someone say you don't have a mind again.

happy.gif
 
"In life, sometimes it will get stagnant at some point of time. Whenever he feels it's stagnant, does it mean that I have to prepare myself to be hurt again? But on the other hand, do I really want to give up now?"

here's one for u to ponder...

how many times can u forgive him until enuf is enuf?
 
Dear Whyagain

Sounds like you are not sure whether you want to give up the marriage, yet you have fear of being hurt again.

Why not you give yourself time to sort out your thoughts?

If you are not prepared to be betrayed again, then you need to seriously consider if your husband is able to remain faithful to you. He does not sound like a responsible, mature person, more like someone who likes to spice up his life when he is bored.

If he truly loves you, did he not think of your feelings when he got involved with the girl? What does he mean when he says he loves you? It seems to me he loves you only when it is convenient for him to do so (like when you are able to grab his attention). Doesn't this show his love is conditional?

And how do you feel about this kind of conditional love from your husband? Would it soon tire you to have to work hard at grabbing his attention all the time and making sure he is not bored?

I hope your husband will not make it your sole responsibility to keep the marriage alive and intact for him.
 
Why did u guys get married in the first plc? He doesn't look like those who's ready to settle down n always ready to pounce on the next SYT for new thrills.
 
Thanks all for your advices.

I love him, that's why I married him. I know after we get married, he is making alot of effort to resist temptations and to focus on me only. That time I truly believe as he's always spending time with me. Until a few months back he realised his circle of friends are getting smaller, so he wanted some personal time to catch up with his friends. And then the affair happened.

He said he needs to learn what is contentment. Even suggested us to drop everything here to go backpacking for 6 months to repair our relationship. But my question is.. Perhaps it could repair that 6 months as backpacking will be something new to him and exciting, but what happens after we are back? Things might get stable and stagnant again..

He told me he is going to pull himself out of that affair and slowly normalising the relationship to a normal friendship. When I heard that, I felt angry thinking why he still wants to be friends with a gal whom wants to invade our marriage. But on the other hand..I know he wouldn't cut this friendship off as she has been his friend for so many years. I can understand that..

Sometimes, I really wonder if I am too understanding and forgiving thats why he's taking me and everything nice in our relationship for granted? My dream before this affair happened is to build a warm and happy family, have our own place, a loving marriage and our little one to nurture and teach.

But now he made me fear at the thought of all these. These are no longer my dreams, a house and a kid has now became my fears. What happens if I have a kid and an affair happened again? It's gonna make the situation worst..

What all of you said has indeed made me think.. What do I do to make myself happy?
 
Let him go. Let him go to have his excitement with that gal, when he gets bored, then he will find excuses to find excitement in another woman. If he only wants excitement and spices in life, why bother to get married? Married life is not all about love. A lot of people will claim marry for love, but marriage is not only about love. When the excitement of being madly in love has settled down, you have to face the reality and demand and stress of daily life. Do you have the energy to cope with his constant demand for excitement? Do you have the time, energy and money to look for excitement for him every time, eg every now and then go backpacking for 6 months. Even if you do have the time, energy and money to say go backpacking for 6 months, there will be time he is bored with this and tell you there is no excitement in life. Do you want to constantly keep up to his demand for excitement?

Marriage is more than love and excitement, etc. Oops, I have said this in another thread. But just too coincidental, there are 3 broken hearts' thread concurrently. See my comment in
http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/1773715.html?1313716325

Judge yourself. Will he really want to settle down with lesser excitement? Will he be contended? You know him better than any of us here, you have to judge by yourself, whether he will settle down in the monotony of married life, worse is if you have kids, and he has to chip in to help in changing drapers, feeding milk, bathing the baby, etc etc.

Mainly he just like the feeling of being constantly madly in love. So do you want one affair after another?
 
"What do I do to make myself happy?"

to be honest with u, u hv the same mentality as ur husband...

u expect ur partner to bring u happiness.

too bad, it's not going to happen, at least with ur man...

u can't rely on a wilful boy like him to make u happy.

in fact, no one else can make u happy except urself.

u're on ur own now.
 
"He cried when he told me he knows i am a great wife and he loves me alot, and i am definitely the last person he wants to hurt."

His actions contradicts his words. Tears from a liar is cheap. He doesn't cherish you enough. If you want to try & patch things, do go for marriage counselling. With the help of 3rd party to really explore and discover the issues within the marriage and relationship. Things cannot be hidden under the carpet, it will crept back to haunt you. He has a history of it, what is changed now? Think about it.
 
Dear whyagain,

You can still achieve your dreams, but not with this man.

As Jenny said, let him go. Divorce him,and start life afresh. Sorry to sound so direct, but I can feel your pain so much that I have to use the word 'divorce'. I can see that you are a sensible, loving, patient and kind hearted gal. You are still young. After you have divorced him and started your new life, you can still find a better man out there who will accept you, treasure you and love you truly.

Do not let your dreams go. Otherwise you will live the rest of your live in misery. You can still achieve it. Let him go, and start afresh.

Your hubby totally does not deserve you. He treats you as some kind of object to entertain him, that is why he EXPECTS you to grab his attention and blames you when married life gets stagnate. He expects you to excite him. What rubbish. That is not marriage. See the link that Jenny gave. He does NOT respect you at all. In fact, I dare say he treats you like his slave, 'entertainment slave'. He is taking advantage of your kind heart and abusing your trust in him.

Pls do not let him 'torture' you this way any longer. Are you going to live the rest of your life like that? If you do not leave him, your mental health will be affected one day.

I like this sentence that Jenny posted in response to me in that link:"Marriage is not just love and memories of good time together. It entails a lot of shared responsibilities, especially when there are kids involved....." (Jenny, ur sentence no copyright issue right? ;P)

Your hubby fails to realise what a marriage really entails. I assure you, that if your hubby marries that gal, that marriage will fail. Why? Cuz of his attitude. One day, he will get bored with this gal (she can't possibly make him excited every day right?) and go for another gal. Such men are not suited for marriage.

Thus, my dear, let go of him. You deserve better. =)
 
Milo, I do not think her hubby will really change even if they go for marriage counselling. There is no guarantee that this man wun cheat again. Isn't better for whyagain to leave him?
 
bp, we cannot really tell frankly. Not trying to paint rosy picture. When we struggle in a relationship, no matter how others encourage them to move on, they won't. They need to discover for themselves that all their efforts is futile to wake up from it.

To share, I wanted so badly to pull my sis away from her marriage. It was in the rocks and my bil was really a egoistic guy. He displayed all the worst treatments to her. This same man is now happily enjoying his family life with my sis with 3 bright boys. Frankly, it completely shocked me that it could still work.

While a friend of mine was in a very similar scenario then. She has now moved on still struggling with her ex husband contest over the custody.
 
thing is that, whyagain has been hurt second time. I am not sure if she can take it if she is hurt the 3rd time.

but I think, we can only advise, and she has to make the final decision. And I hope all will turn out well for her no matter what decision she makes.
 
To be fair to him..He doesn't blame me.. he blames himself for the wrong things he did. What he did was just telling me the reasons behind the cheating. That is, I cannot grab his attention at times.

The affair is a catalyst, but not the main reason why I am considering divorce or to forgive him. The main reason is his mentality towards our marriage and life. Affairs can be ended, but mentality and character won't.

But I still love him, that's why I am so torn. It's like choosing to love him or to love myself now..
 
I would suggest to "separate" for a while - for you to search your heart and feel what is right.

There is no model answer. Some people will never change. Some will.
 
He told me he is going to pull himself out of that affair and slowly normalising the relationship to a normal friendship

He care about the friendship, how about the marriage?

He think about the feeling of the gal, how about u?

Being too overly nice and accommodating will only let him take advantage of u. This is human nature.

If u give in too early right now, he will only take u for granted.

Preserve on and let him ponder about it when he's on the verge of losing you.
 
Ok. There is no such thing as "normal friendship" with ex-lover. At least not until a definite separation duration and when the love is gone.
 
I have already moved back to my own place since yesterday to clear my head for this week. My mind and emotions have settled down and I am more calm now.

I have decided to try marriage counseling with him. This will be my last try and effort for my marriage.

Thanks everyone for your advises. Really appreciate them.
 
I truly regard that I had cause hurt to my dear wife again. No amount of sorry can make her feel better. I do agree with what some of you had said. Marriage is more than love and excitement; it has to include responsibility and commitment. It may seem easy saying it, but doing it means hard work. This incident gives me a lesson, marriage is hard work. It takes a lot of time and thoughts to keep the romance fresh and alive.

I understand your rationale to advice my wife to give up on me. Just like cheat on me once, shame on u. cheat on me twice shame on me.
But u may have failed to understand that people do learn from lessons. The previous lesson taught me to be a better BF. This incident taught me to be a better husband. I should have avoid her before feelings was developed. I did not stop because I tried to help her, in the end, the dark side got over me. Nevertheless, I am to blame, I should have know better and resisted it.

I do hope you could encourage us for marriage counseling before writing us off as non-compatible. I am wrong, I am not to be forgiven but I will not let go of my dear wife.
I know my mistake; I know I am easily swayed. But I will not stop trying to work hard to change my ways and refine myself for her. All can be for any reason but nothing is more important then her.

Regretless of what u may say, I would still go on fighting for my wife, for I do love her.
 
i hope u realise that u can only get older and
less attractive... get more stuck as u psyche yourself up again and u become even more likely never to leave becos u 'invested too much'.

any decision u make now has a similar reason to your reason during the 1st affair... u just can't let go. u wanna call it love, u wanna call it whatever... u are an endearing gfren and wife no doubt, but u must also dig deep and realise that perhaps it's becos of your inability to walk away.

u just need to run thru your life in the past... with frens and family etc, to know whether or not u are a person who can let go... therein lies your answer.

from my assessment in this thread, u are the type "who can't bear to let go"...

good luck
 
Don't bear to let go, yes. Cos I still have feelings for my husband.

Never to leave becos i invested too much, No.

To me, a marriage is never an investment. I have left a very long term relationship before because I realised it's not suitable for me. If I have that mentality, I would have stayed on in my previous relationship until now.

Or maybe if i stayed on my previous relationship, i won't be hurt this way now? haha..irony in a way perhaps.
 
just dig deeper, we tend to lie to ourselves and stay layered in denial for the initial stages.

could it be that, having left a long term relationship... u are denying that it can happen to u a 2nd time and thus stay?

feelings are definite, honestly - who doesn't? certainly it's seldom the 'victim' who doesn't have feelings anyway.

your husband's redeeming feature is that he knows what to say in a deeper scheme of things... but it's still not convincing.

it's rather easy to handle forgiving pple like yourself, especially when u love him... just admit mistake, blame something external yet inherent in himself, show remorse and intent to change, and u'll be crewing your head over it.

whilst his consceince no longer pricks...
 
Powder, thanks for your advice.

I have not crew my head over to him. I have not forgave him. In fact, I have prepared myself to become a divorcee. After these few days of thinking, I already know what I want for my new life if the last try doesn't work out.
 
wow, how did your husband sneak in on this forum? i just realised...

sinnerman,

balls to u man... absolute bull lah... "It takes a lot of time and thoughts to keep the romance fresh and alive."

that's crap. if u think the key is to keep the romance fresh and alive, then sadly, u'll be going for the 3rd affair pretty soon, cos u;re barking up the wrong fcuking tree and chasing after the wrong fcuking values.

u're in this stage becos of remorse, as much as becos u are already past the stage of satifaction. It like those moments after u've had your orgasm and came... that High is gone and u're back to that slight realisation, remorse and regret.

give another day, u get on an erection and high, u will still poke your dick into that same girl. u will have 'pity' sex, u have a slight messiah's complex with an overestimation on your ability to control.

coming in the forum would have been convincing and probably is convincing to some, but this is rather awkward in the sense that u're sorta trying to tell pple why they should give u a chance.

if u were so fcuking remorseful, u would just post the darn apology and end it there, wouldn't u? i would, at least with my 1st post... If it drags on then maybe say something more... else this is more of a WTF post from me.
 
Yes, do go for counselling, since both of you think you love one another and wish to give your marriage a chance.

For the husband, if you stray again, it would be time for you to admit to yourself that you are a serial adulterer and you have no right to expect your wife to remain married to you. If you don't want to stray, make the decision to remove yourself from any situation that has any chance of developing into something more. In other words, don't feed the energy of any attraction you may feel for any third party. If you can't do this, for heaven's sake, let your wife go find her happiness with someone else. You are not good for her, period.
 
if its so hard, why stay in the marriage? Have you wondered if you guys are even suited? There isn't any snergy and fulfillment within to keep you guys motivated in it. At least for your part sinneronceagain.

Marriage counselloring is only when both of you wants to rebuild the marriage. Then you need to get to the root of the issues. Else, what for? It takes 2 to tango. If your wife wants to move on, you can only respect her decision. Be a man. You might try all you can, but the harder you try, it probably will work against you.

Why not give the both of you some time and space apart to sort things out before making any decisions?
 
How old are you guys? In your 20s or early 30s? Whatever your age, you must understand there is a long long way more to go.

When the kids come; when you're in the sandwiched stage between young children and elderly parents and job stress.....that's when the temptation will be at its greatest.

Think about it.
 
Before u guys ever get back together, I hope u consider the followings:

1) Character compatibility, is your hb ready to settle down? Ts sounds more mature while the hb behaves like a young boy.

2) Will the hb wont be lured by temptations again? 10, 20 years down the road?

3) Trust. Are u able to trust ur hb when he go out with his friends or work late w.o getting paranoid?

4) When the kids come along, are u able to handle the stress of being a father? Working hard to provide for them financially?
Life will be a routine, work, come home look after the kids, help out in housework/kids etc.

TS, u are too soft hearted when u made the decision to marry him, I do hope that u made the right decision this time.
 
tingyi,

10, 20yrs? 20wks pretty good liao.

if a guy heads over to geylang n seeks sexual relief, perhaps still ok, from my guy's POV, but a guy who seeks romance with someone else, obviously has the added energy and time to take on another full-fledge courtship, romance, relationship and everything that comes along with it... the phonecalls, the smses, the msgs over internet etc...

if he ain't doing these nor bothered to be doing these with his wife, and have the energy to do it with another girl... isn't it obvious where his fcuking priorities lie? if this ends, his wife will not be his 1st priority... it will only be for a few months at most, then the inherent attention-deficit nature comes back on and a new thrill is seeked.

if u marry a professional athlete, celebrity, surgeon, lawyer, politician... fair enough, u know u may have to take 2nd place for a large part of the marriage. But if u marry an average guy with no particular Greater Good kind of cause in his life, and he fcuking starts another romance on the side... then u should think abit longer.

who the fcuk doesn't have guilt? 90% of us probably have it, enough to feel sorry. but are we truly remorseful or simply feel bad? we all have a conscience, dun we?

fact is, our conscience is worth as much... and some of us are willing to Pay in order to feel good abt ourselves again. To be forgiven is just as impt as forgiving.

the freakin post was lame as i read it... apparently it's some dark side that got to him, not His dark side... he's not even taking ownership of his weaknesses. he is quick to credit some unknown 3rd party force in his actions. and since he is attributing 'hard work' as an ongoing effort for making a marriage work... he is as good as making marriage something Extraordinary in effort, thus further absolving himself from blame as a ordinary man.

u gotta read between all the lines and see thru the post... and know who is on the other side and why he is posting.

to be fair the 1st one isn't really classified as an affair given that they weren't married yet.

personally, i dun give much benefit of a doubt to pple who aren't in a position to have affairs, but actually do. that's a Big Big Minus. no money and achievement already can fcuk around and start relationships... when success comes in, the situation will be even worse. the dark side is greater and stronger... u have opportunities to fcuk every other day of your life and women come to u like bees to honey...

but i'm so used to seeing wives get angry, then later they just get used to it. so we can leave this story for another 10yrs. it'll be nothing more than the typical story.
 
but then hor, do u guys have any ideas to spark up a marriage?

What I did is to cook a delicious meal to serve him upon him reaching home. That's is because he's too tired to tabao home not to mention dinning outside.

I realised tt my hb has become more n more bored, behaving like a retiree.

Everyday from work, he will just return from home ard 6, laze on bed, almost 24/7. He seem to be tired everyday, tired to even bring us out for meal, no social gatherings, nothing just home and work. Even gathering at friends' house, he also say no, he just want to rest at home. Even if I managed to pull him out of his shell, he will keep looking @ his watch and ask the time to go off.
When we went for gathering at his workplace, he want to go off around 8+? Just shutting his eyes on a sofa like that.
He doesn't like to mingle around. When he was in overseas training for months, he just spent his days/weeks in bunks accordingly to his mates.
He just refused to go out despite that they kept asking.

Even if we went out, the places that he suggest is to carrefour or supermarket??He just want to return home early and rest. It been like this for years. Yes, we do save up abit of $ but never get a chance to spend it.

Frankly speaking, he provides for us well financially but it's getting real bored and what I did is just to bring my ger out by myself, njoying just the both of us, eating, shopping by ourselves.
 
How abt going on a holiday w only him? U guys need nt go far. Can consider a island getaway at RWS too. Or hav a romantic date w him at home n hav a relative look after ur gal.
happy.gif
 
After reading what sinner wrote, I nearly burst out laughing.

So sorry, don't mean to be mean but really puzzled me when he said these:

"......But u may have failed to understand that people do learn from lessons. The previous lesson taught me to be a better BF. This incident taught me to be a better husband....."

So, third lesson may make him a better father????
 
I dunno anymore.. I'm outta here.

Thanks everyone for your advices, be it any decision I'll make, I will remember the advices you all gave me. =)
 
Just sharing :
Saw this story about a family wrecked by 3rd party, not sure it is real or not, the author has the following sharing in the end which I think is quite meaningful warning those unfaithful to marriage and to third parties of someone's marriage.

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http://www.12sharing.com/note/?p=2631


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whyagain,

learn to forgive, but more imptly - learn to forgive without always having to give in and get the short end of the stick.
 
Hi Ting Yi. I see. Mayb u can go on a short holiday w ur hubby n ur daughter? Mayb ur hubby is stressed by work n everyday routine bah.
 
whenever I hear such stories, I wonder if it would ever happen to me,
Maybe it did, I just din find out.

My partner is not one who is active on any chatrms, facebook.. etc

He is too busy , or love his son too much to wan to spend any spare time outside. So I never suspect he would have an affair.

Mayb he did, I would'nt know. we see each other everyday and on days we have some time, we would go out on a date.

I always felt for a man to have an "ECA" out of marriage, he must be very energetic, with much resources.. ($$ and Time) to be able to juggle the demands of 2 women in his life. This is not counting the demand of his mum.. family, MIL...

EVen the guys around me, my colleagues and friends, are all too busy to be caught up with any ECA. SO sometimes I wonder these stories of extra marital affairs, are they very rare.

Seriously, I dunno anyone, a direct friend or colleague with such an ECA. I've only heard.. a fren of a fren.. or forum stories like this.
 
jaycomposer, thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and your husband.. Do you mean he had sex with a girl a day after you forgave him? Did you both went for marriage counseling? Nevertheless, I'm sure u did whatever you need to do to make yourself feel happier now. I sincerely wish u all the best.

Btw, I moved back to my husband's home yesterday and has smoothed things out with him after a long heart to heart talk last night. I cannot say I have forgave him entirely, but I would say I will need time to forgive based on his actions.

This is the first time I saw him teared because of me, when his dad passed away he didn't even shed a tear even though he was feeling sad. He has also made things clear to that girl that they will not meet anymore. Last night, the girl still sms him good night, and he told me about it honestly. He didn't reply her. I asked for his hp to see what he has been telling the girl when I'm at my mum's place for the past few days, and indeed.. he told her they will not meet anymore and he understands what and who he wants and loves.

Then I saw the girl sms asking to meet him out for a talk, he said he don't want to meet. And I can see he drew a line between them already. All his answers to her are super short and talks normally. So he's now letting the girl slowly down her feelings towards him and become normal again. He also promised me he will not allow any more circumstances to develop anything more than friends with any opposite gender, if in future any of his gal pals needs consoling or has problems, he will bring me along to meet them and console them together.

He knows I need time to rebuild my trust towards him, so he wants to buy an iphone.. so if i want, I can track his whereabouts to assure myself. He also told me he finally realised that marriage takes work, both parties. So he will spend more quality time with me, to like my hobbies and interest, to show love in every little things we do. He said he will prove to me with his actions, not just by words of mouth only.

Actually, there's more realisation and things shared honestly and openly, I shall not write everything here. So basically, after all that he has realised himself, I decided to give him a last chance. We didn't start on the marriage correctly..cos we assumed stagnant is stable. But to keep a marriage and love alive, we have to keep showing your love to each other. Be it the simplest thing like a hug everyday, to be involved in each other's lives and topic. And not living like room mates, each doing their individual things.

So, from this incident.. it really taught us both a great lesson of marriage. We will still be going for marriage counseling, think it will help our marriage further. I know all of you might be laughing at me, why am I still so ignorant at this point of time..it's the 2nd time etc. I know I'm taking a great risk here, but I somehow felt this lesson is very different from the 1st affair. So I really hope there will be sunshine after the big storm.

Thank you all for the advices once again.
 
hope it all pans out for u...

my advice at this point, is one of forgiveness... if u decide to forgive someone, do it wholeheartedly and dun bring it up in future bickers that u might have...

all the best and never devalue yourself... he's a very very lucky man.
 
Amarylis, do you think anyone would go around telling their friends and colleagues about their affairs? If a person wants to cheat, they will find time no matter how busy. No such thing as too busy for it.

Don't wonder when u hear others stories, look within for the assurances and confidence. There are lots of factors. What happens to others marriage is irrelevant to yours. The idea of keeping a spouse busy thinking that it will prevent an affair would be naive. There are much more relevant factors.
 


What can I say, from my personal viewpoint, it will be very difficult to have that trust again. Although u will try and is willing to forgive and stay in the marriage and even make great efforts to make the marriage work, it is going to be very hard to fully trust ur hubby again.
There will definitely be arguments and struggles in the future. Especially if he is going to see that girl again ( which will definitely happen, you know).
Well, may be if he betrays you again, you will be numb already and won't feel that much pain. Or may be you will be devastated even more as there will be even more memories to torment you.
If you can let go now and if you are still young and without children, my advice is LEAVE HIM.
 
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