2nd affair..to give up or not?
- Thread starter whyagain
- Start date
blueprincess
New Member
@whyagain: i really hope things will work out well for u n ur hubby since both of u still wan to salvage d marriage.
A marriage is not all roses n honey. It requires sacrifice, continuous love, concern n care. A strong marriage is not built overnight. It needs nurturing. N nurturing needs both patience, trust n d realisation tat u need two hands to clap to make d marriage work.
Good luck n i really hope tat ur marriage will b saved.
A marriage is not all roses n honey. It requires sacrifice, continuous love, concern n care. A strong marriage is not built overnight. It needs nurturing. N nurturing needs both patience, trust n d realisation tat u need two hands to clap to make d marriage work.
Good luck n i really hope tat ur marriage will b saved.
xiao_nu_ren
New Member
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZ9SsKrAevM
A song just for you.... Hope you really had thought it through clearly.
A leopard, hardly shed it's spots.... First time forgiven, already should be a lesson learnt. Now second time, and yet you wish to give him another chance. No big deal for a third time.....
But still, all the best to you. You really have a lot of courage.
A song just for you.... Hope you really had thought it through clearly.
A leopard, hardly shed it's spots.... First time forgiven, already should be a lesson learnt. Now second time, and yet you wish to give him another chance. No big deal for a third time.....
But still, all the best to you. You really have a lot of courage.
arsenal_84
Member
fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me
fool me twice, shame on me
texasholdem
New Member
hi whyagain
wake up. if a leopard can change its spots, the dead will rose up again. trust me. i bet my god damn life with u. knowing that u will forgive him everytime he cheats, he is taking advantage.
i m being fooled tats y i m advicing u.
wake up. if a leopard can change its spots, the dead will rose up again. trust me. i bet my god damn life with u. knowing that u will forgive him everytime he cheats, he is taking advantage.
i m being fooled tats y i m advicing u.
TS, im sorry to hear that.
A person can change, but it depends on he/she change for the better or for the worst.
I believe you will forgive your Hubby eventually but I doubt you can forget what he had done..
Think careefully although I understand you are feeling hurt and lost which you may not be having a clear mind to think should you proceed for a divorce anot.
Imo, your hubby sounded he wanna have the best of both worlds wor...
A person can change, but it depends on he/she change for the better or for the worst.
I believe you will forgive your Hubby eventually but I doubt you can forget what he had done..
Think careefully although I understand you are feeling hurt and lost which you may not be having a clear mind to think should you proceed for a divorce anot.
Imo, your hubby sounded he wanna have the best of both worlds wor...
BB, Thanks for your words.
I'm feeling better already. My husband and I went marriage counseling and things got better after our last session there.
I have forgave him, he has promised to cut off contact with that gal and I trusted he already did. Yes I agree with you.. I can forgive but it would take me some time to forget about this affair. Though it's a short affair, but the pain is already inflicted.
Now, we're spending more time and effort to rebuild our marriage. We are doing more activities together now, and I seldom go to bed alone now unlike last time.
I can feel and see his efforts. I really hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel with him.
I'm feeling better already. My husband and I went marriage counseling and things got better after our last session there.
I have forgave him, he has promised to cut off contact with that gal and I trusted he already did. Yes I agree with you.. I can forgive but it would take me some time to forget about this affair. Though it's a short affair, but the pain is already inflicted.
Now, we're spending more time and effort to rebuild our marriage. We are doing more activities together now, and I seldom go to bed alone now unlike last time.
I can feel and see his efforts. I really hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel with him.
TS,
am glad that at least he willing to go for the marriage counselling
this shows he still loves you and did not choose to give up e marriage over the 3rd party.
memories can never be forgotten but hope what he had done will not cast a dark shadow in ur marriage for a long period.
jiayou jiayou!
ps: you will see the rainbow once the heavy pour is over ^^
am glad that at least he willing to go for the marriage counselling
memories can never be forgotten but hope what he had done will not cast a dark shadow in ur marriage for a long period.
jiayou jiayou!
ps: you will see the rainbow once the heavy pour is over ^^
miloice
Well-Known Member
whyagain, glad that things have turned for the better. Let this be another living testimony that things are not as absolute as we picture to be. Most of us have strong morals that make affairs unacceptable, we might not even imagine how it could be possible to happen or manage. Truth is, its something very possible. When it happens, its not the end of the world either. Life goes on, there are more possibilities to explore than exit. The path has yet to be decided. You got to explore it not based on our pre-defined plans and moral views but the reality you are in.
Hang in there and I wish you and your partner road to recovery and may it grow stronger to cherish each other even more now.
Hang in there and I wish you and your partner road to recovery and may it grow stronger to cherish each other even more now.
whyagain,
why did you say "I seldom go to bed alone now unlike last time"? This means there are some times you would still go to bed alone? Any reason y?
Unless my hubby's outstationed, we always go to bed together. I'm a bit concerned with that statement of yours. You sound like an optimistic person. Not that it's a bad thing but we want to ensure that we're not blindly optimistic too. Sometimes when hopes are raised, we fall harder when hopes are dashed.
Anyway your hubby's actions tell me two things (this is purely based on my woman's intuition..I might be wrong):
1. He loves you but just has a weak will to resist from temptations and he dares to do these because he knows you're a forgiving person and would not leave him. Meaning, he's taking u for granted.
OR
2. It could also be that he doesn't really love you or love you that much which is why he didn't think much about hurting you (yes, contrary to his words). When a man says 'you're the last one I want to hurt', it doesn't really necessarily mean he loves you a lot. It could mean that morally, he knows it's wrong and that he feels guilty about it. This guilt may have been exemplified by the very fact that he doesn't love you that much anymore.
I really hope that he's no. 1 and not 2 but the fact that his 'target' is a female friend of his tells me that he's more than just romantically involved. They might really be in love with one another.
why did you say "I seldom go to bed alone now unlike last time"? This means there are some times you would still go to bed alone? Any reason y?
Unless my hubby's outstationed, we always go to bed together. I'm a bit concerned with that statement of yours. You sound like an optimistic person. Not that it's a bad thing but we want to ensure that we're not blindly optimistic too. Sometimes when hopes are raised, we fall harder when hopes are dashed.
Anyway your hubby's actions tell me two things (this is purely based on my woman's intuition..I might be wrong):
1. He loves you but just has a weak will to resist from temptations and he dares to do these because he knows you're a forgiving person and would not leave him. Meaning, he's taking u for granted.
OR
2. It could also be that he doesn't really love you or love you that much which is why he didn't think much about hurting you (yes, contrary to his words). When a man says 'you're the last one I want to hurt', it doesn't really necessarily mean he loves you a lot. It could mean that morally, he knows it's wrong and that he feels guilty about it. This guilt may have been exemplified by the very fact that he doesn't love you that much anymore.
I really hope that he's no. 1 and not 2 but the fact that his 'target' is a female friend of his tells me that he's more than just romantically involved. They might really be in love with one another.
I still remember the words of my ex-bf who broke up with me:
"You're the last I want to hurt. You are a very good gf and wife-to-be but I don't know why I lost that feeling for you. I'm really really sorry."
Four good months later, he returned crying saying he regretted the break up and hoped for a patch back - of course I've moved on already.
Anyway I'm just sharing with you my personal experience that I feel it's not a gd sign for any man to tell the wife that she's a good wife and that she's the last he wants to hurt.
I truly hope that the continuation to that sentence of his is not I've fallen deeply in love with her and have lost that feeling for you.
"You're the last I want to hurt. You are a very good gf and wife-to-be but I don't know why I lost that feeling for you. I'm really really sorry."
Four good months later, he returned crying saying he regretted the break up and hoped for a patch back - of course I've moved on already.
Anyway I'm just sharing with you my personal experience that I feel it's not a gd sign for any man to tell the wife that she's a good wife and that she's the last he wants to hurt.
I truly hope that the continuation to that sentence of his is not I've fallen deeply in love with her and have lost that feeling for you.
Denise80, thanks for your words.
When I said I go to bed alone, doesn't mean that he don't come home lah. Meaning, he's at the pc playing some computer games etc, so I will head to bed first. And he joins me in bed after he's done with his stuffs.
Compared to last time, he now makes more effort to cuddle in bed with me to sleep more often. I can see that effort.
Yesterday was our 1st year customary wedding anniversary, I flipped through our wedding day album to reminisce the moments, and when I came across some photos of her taken with my husband (she came to our wedding that time), my anger and hurt came back. So I tored the pictures and threw it away. People whom attended our wedding are people who were there to share our joy and gave their true blessings. I do not want to see pictures of someone whom was at my wedding but invaded my marriage thereafter.
I used to ask myself the question that you mentioned..if he really loves me, he will not have hurt me like that. But everytime I have this kind of thought, I will try to pull myself back cos I choose to believe that, if he has fallen deeply in love with her, he would have chosen to leave me since we have no kids, no house, it will be easier for him to leave. But he chose to stay and break things up with her. So I'm willing to give it a last try in this marriage.
It's been only 1 month since I found out about the affair, I can say I'm trying my best to move on strongly..though at times still need to fight that haunting thoughts, but working the marriage is our priority now.
When I said I go to bed alone, doesn't mean that he don't come home lah. Meaning, he's at the pc playing some computer games etc, so I will head to bed first. And he joins me in bed after he's done with his stuffs.
Compared to last time, he now makes more effort to cuddle in bed with me to sleep more often. I can see that effort.
Yesterday was our 1st year customary wedding anniversary, I flipped through our wedding day album to reminisce the moments, and when I came across some photos of her taken with my husband (she came to our wedding that time), my anger and hurt came back. So I tored the pictures and threw it away. People whom attended our wedding are people who were there to share our joy and gave their true blessings. I do not want to see pictures of someone whom was at my wedding but invaded my marriage thereafter.
I used to ask myself the question that you mentioned..if he really loves me, he will not have hurt me like that. But everytime I have this kind of thought, I will try to pull myself back cos I choose to believe that, if he has fallen deeply in love with her, he would have chosen to leave me since we have no kids, no house, it will be easier for him to leave. But he chose to stay and break things up with her. So I'm willing to give it a last try in this marriage.
It's been only 1 month since I found out about the affair, I can say I'm trying my best to move on strongly..though at times still need to fight that haunting thoughts, but working the marriage is our priority now.
' I do not want to see pictures of someone whom was at my wedding but invaded my marriage thereafter. '
whyagain, I think you can't just blame the girl.
It takes both hands to clap. If your husband doesn't give that 'helping hand' she won't be able to do anything to your marriage. You are a woman, so I guess you know how vulnerable a woman can be, especially when she is emotionally down.
For your marriage to work, it's about the girls he meet but it's whether he can withstand the temptation and remain faithful or not.
And as I have said it is very difficult for you to have that trust for him again.
Anyway, wish you all the best! and hope your marriage will work!
whyagain, I think you can't just blame the girl.
It takes both hands to clap. If your husband doesn't give that 'helping hand' she won't be able to do anything to your marriage. You are a woman, so I guess you know how vulnerable a woman can be, especially when she is emotionally down.
For your marriage to work, it's about the girls he meet but it's whether he can withstand the temptation and remain faithful or not.
And as I have said it is very difficult for you to have that trust for him again.
Anyway, wish you all the best! and hope your marriage will work!
Eddie, I didn't entirely blame that girl. I know, my husband has a huge part to play in order for them to develop feelings too.
I, myself have a part to play too. There must be some areas which I am not fulfilling him, thats why he strayed. But seeing the photos of them taken in our wedding did brought back pain and hurt. I am a human too.
Well, my episode has settled down already. We're working on our marriage now, so I shall close this thread.
Thanks all for your comments and advises =)
I, myself have a part to play too. There must be some areas which I am not fulfilling him, thats why he strayed. But seeing the photos of them taken in our wedding did brought back pain and hurt. I am a human too.
Well, my episode has settled down already. We're working on our marriage now, so I shall close this thread.
Thanks all for your comments and advises =)
pasir_ris_beach
Member
Whyagain, Wishing u all the best in salvaging your marriage... I really envy u.. my husband is still uncertain of whom he wants now. either his other woman or me as he is still friends with her after claiming affair ended.. I am getting prepared to leave him for good by the time he still cant make up his mind regardless of the kid involved.
Hi blur,
I can understand how you feel..my husband initially wanted to remain friends with that girl too, cos they were friends for so many years. But we wives know, it's hard to draw the line clearly with TOW after all these.
Just like my uncle's affair..he's still colleagues and friends with TOW, though he claimed his affair has ended, but his wife and kids knew it hasn't. It has dragged so many people into misery for the past 5 years and its still never ending.
So, I told my husband..I cannot focus on rebuilding our marriage if she is still in the picture. Thus, he promised he will cut contacts with her. How true, I'm still unsure. But since I'm giving the last shot in this marriage, I try my best to trust him all over again. It's a big risk I take here.. I might be hurt all over again someday.. hope it will never happen again..
Have u tried going for marriage counseling with your husband? It helped us understand our marriage and ourselves better.. if u want, I can give you the contact number.
I can understand how you feel..my husband initially wanted to remain friends with that girl too, cos they were friends for so many years. But we wives know, it's hard to draw the line clearly with TOW after all these.
Just like my uncle's affair..he's still colleagues and friends with TOW, though he claimed his affair has ended, but his wife and kids knew it hasn't. It has dragged so many people into misery for the past 5 years and its still never ending.
So, I told my husband..I cannot focus on rebuilding our marriage if she is still in the picture. Thus, he promised he will cut contacts with her. How true, I'm still unsure. But since I'm giving the last shot in this marriage, I try my best to trust him all over again. It's a big risk I take here.. I might be hurt all over again someday.. hope it will never happen again..
Have u tried going for marriage counseling with your husband? It helped us understand our marriage and ourselves better.. if u want, I can give you the contact number.
pasir_ris_beach
Member
whyagain, i see... frankly the trust is long lost n he did not do anything to show that he sincerely repented and now affair sigh..
that is now i am taking my time to think thru carefully n yes i decided to take a leap of faith n make a clean break with my husband. No point trusting him or his empty promises.. I honestly cannot take it anymore liao.
that is now i am taking my time to think thru carefully n yes i decided to take a leap of faith n make a clean break with my husband. No point trusting him or his empty promises.. I honestly cannot take it anymore liao.
When you married this man, you take the front seat (of his car) fully. Why be subjected to being pushed to the back seat simply because he went to pick someone else? TWICE?
You have your rights as a wife and sharing a husband is not something we as wives would accept.
I'd say step out of the car, get your own luxurious one. You dont need such 2nd hand treatment.
You have your rights as a wife and sharing a husband is not something we as wives would accept.
I'd say step out of the car, get your own luxurious one. You dont need such 2nd hand treatment.
I don't think we are taking about sleeping in this car analogy.
I take it as an affair. You can't really allow someone else - even in the back set - ie, still as friends and sending/fetching.. even if the wife is in the front seat. the backseats should be for the children and not for ex-lovers.
I take it as an affair. You can't really allow someone else - even in the back set - ie, still as friends and sending/fetching.. even if the wife is in the front seat. the backseats should be for the children and not for ex-lovers.
Guys... you know I don't mean what I said literally but rather taking the car as a 'family nucleus'.. i.e. spouse on the passenger seat, kids/parents/in laws at the back without any invasion by a 3rd party.
In her case, this dude is driving (chasing) away his family and welcoming other women at the front seat.
So I'd think, just step out. Oh, and be gracious while at it. Or just step on him for the matter.
In her case, this dude is driving (chasing) away his family and welcoming other women at the front seat.
So I'd think, just step out. Oh, and be gracious while at it. Or just step on him for the matter.
pasir_ris_beach
Member
i do feel a bit agreed cos the man actually welcomed the other woman n her kids n parents into the car n fetch them everywhere. IT DOES HURT COS AT THAT TIME HE DROVE THE CAR WHICH I M THE RIGHTFULLY OWNER OF THE CAR. i should kick the man n his other woman's entire family out of my own car.
pasir_ris_beach
Member
Queen D, u tell me how to be gracious like that? I gave him whatever he wanted n now like that... ok fine with it.. i gonna take back my car, money, etc whatever i let him use in my name.. then he will be lost.. go ask the woman to keep him, this coward n peniless man.
Blur.. I feel for you. Personally, I won't bother seeking advice here but just file for a divorce based on adultery immediately once I get hold of evidence.
I will take my leave graciouslly in the sense that I tell myself I am leaving for the better, no point making a big scene. Screw his f head and lead my own life without some unfaithful arsehole. Don't dwell in being upset, throwing temper or whatever. Be gracious, show that you are not that affected afterall and are glad to get rid of this scum. Lift your head up and walk out of it.
I know it is difficult emotionally and you are very much affected. Think of the end reward - have your own life without having to share a husband - and don't think too much of the journey. We're here for you!
I will take my leave graciouslly in the sense that I tell myself I am leaving for the better, no point making a big scene. Screw his f head and lead my own life without some unfaithful arsehole. Don't dwell in being upset, throwing temper or whatever. Be gracious, show that you are not that affected afterall and are glad to get rid of this scum. Lift your head up and walk out of it.
I know it is difficult emotionally and you are very much affected. Think of the end reward - have your own life without having to share a husband - and don't think too much of the journey. We're here for you!