23 years of marriage...throw in the towel?

serf

New Member
Husband (in his early 50s) & I (late 40s) are approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary next month (which he will not remember again). We have a 17-year old daughter whom we truly adore. However, I think our marriage has reached to a point where we have become strangers and probably just roommates (since we're sleeping in the same room). Most of the time, he's glued to his favorite Mahjong app game on his iPad (he can spend hours on it!) or watching his favorite CCM channel (those Celestial Classic Movies he watches makes me feel like he's still living in the past!). Work wise, he's not someone who's very enthusiastic or aggressive, therefore the small business that he runs has never expanded for the last 20 years. Basically, he's pretty much as slow as a sloth and as dull as dishwater. I don't know...maybe it's me...maybe I'm the cause for this change that we're experiencing. Wonder if anyone out there who's in the same boat as I am?
 


mark78

Active Member
Can intro yourself?
What your occupation
What your hobby?
Are you very dynamic type of person always understanding and learning the latest trends, market movement, etc
 

serf

New Member
Can intro yourself?
What your occupation
What your hobby?
Are you very dynamic type of person always understanding and learning the latest trends, market movement, etc
Am a copywriter in an advertising firm. Love travelling without a map or itinerary (am the kind of person who goes with the flow and follow my gut feeling). I guess dynamic pretty much sums me up.
 
Lol ... that does sound like me ... staid and fixated with the road well travelled .... but you married him and he hasn't changed from day one right?
 

serf

New Member
Lol ... that does sound like me ... staid and fixated with the road well travelled .... but you married him and he hasn't changed from day one right?
We got married in our 20s and he had that ambitious drive to start his own business after learning all the hands-on skills in the company that he worked in. Somehow, complacency set in and he became too laid-back to do anything else more than is required. And that work attitude applies to his manner towards home as well. Somehow, I'm beginning to feel like a domestic helper to him - breakfast all set up, laundry & ironing all done, floors are cleaned, groceries shopping, keeping up to date with daughter's JC life & homework - while he just comes home from work, have his dinner, mahjong app game, CCM movies, read the newspapers and then lights out. And the same cycle repeats again...
 
Sounds like a rut you guys got yourselves in.
Routine sets in and the relationship just doesn't feel fresh anymore right?

Before that spirals into indifference (which is the death knell of any relationship), here is a window of opportunity to nip the problem in the bud. Jiayou!

Take him out on a date and just spend couple time with one another. I did just that 2 weeks ago on a weekday to break the routine. Yeah, pretty common sense when we were in our teens but 30 years into marriage people stop dating like teenagers... :p
 

serf

New Member
Sounds like a rut you guys got yourselves in.
Routine sets in and the relationship just doesn't feel fresh anymore right?

Before that spirals into indifference (which is the death knell of any relationship), here is a window of opportunity to nip the problem in the bud. Jiayou!

Take him out on a date and just spend couple time with one another. I did just that 2 weeks ago on a weekday to break the routine. Yeah, pretty common sense when we were in our teens but 30 years into marriage people stop dating like teenagers... :p
I tried the date thing already...went out brunch with him and guess what?...he'a also got the mahjong app on his mobile, so once he was done with eating and once the utensils are down, his hands would reach for the mobile to resume his mahjong game...i decided we go home after brunch and ditch the movie plans, and he gladly agreed and once we got home...(no prizes for guessing)...mahjong app game + CCM movies. Just wonderful.
 
I tried the date thing already...went out brunch with him and guess what?...he'a also got the mahjong app on his mobile, so once he was done with eating and once the utensils are down, his hands would reach for the mobile to resume his mahjong game...i decided we go home after brunch and ditch the movie plans, and he gladly agreed and once we got home...(no prizes for guessing)...mahjong app game + CCM movies. Just wonderful.
You recognize this as a problem but it appears he does not. You internalize your unhappiness but maybe you need to have a HTH talk with him about it? Lay some ground rules about not disrespecting the other person by fiddling with phones especially out on dates. He doesn't realise that it is rude.

Fundamentally he has settled into such a "routine" for so many years that he doesn't even realise he's overstepped his markers
 

serf

New Member
You recognize this as a problem but it appears he does not. You internalize your unhappiness but maybe you need to have a HTH talk with him about it? Lay some ground rules about not disrespecting the other person by fiddling with phones especially out on dates. He doesn't realise that it is rude.

Fundamentally he has settled into such a "routine" for so many years that he doesn't even realise he's overstepped his markers
Trust me, I've had a heart-to-heart talk with him once and his nonchalent reply to me was "It's not like I'm cheating on you". Well, what else can I say?...
 
Trust me, I've had a heart-to-heart talk with him once and his nonchalent reply to me was "It's not like I'm cheating on you". Well, what else can I say?...
Tell him that if he doesn't buck up, you're likely to cheat on him if someone comes along and validates you and showers you with attention.
 
That's where he is wrong, I know some in the 40's and 50's who've gotten wind in their sails .... but I digress.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is complacent in the relationship and if nothing is done then indifference towards each other will set in. He should also know and count his lucky stars that you care enough to want this to work - which is why this is a matter of importance to you. And that if he knows this is your "love language", that he should take heed and work on this pronto...
 

serf

New Member
That's where he is wrong, I know some in the 40's and 50's who've gotten wind in their sails .... but I digress.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is complacent in the relationship and if nothing is done then indifference towards each other will set in. He should also know and count his lucky stars that you care enough to want this to work - which is why this is a matter of importance to you. And that if he knows this is your "love language", that he should take heed and work on this pronto...
I know I'm no spring chicken as well, but I really appreciate your kind words. It feels good that I can spit out my woes to someone who doesn't judge. I have a couple of friends who renewed their wedding vows on their 20th wedding anniversary and they've asked me how come I'm not keen (they don't even know I'm even thinking of un-doing my marriage instead or re-newing my marriage). At the end of the end, I made the choice to pick him as my lifelong partner, and am trying my best to keep my wedding vows...but for how long, this I really don't know...
 
If I am not wrong, you're the non-confrontational type and prefer to keep things buttoned-up rather than to tell him upfront the very second issues arise. Dissonance builds with time. Maybe you should learn to seize the bull by the horns.

Message for guys - girls don't explode for no reason. She starts telling you nicely but you don't listen. Then she "nags", and if that doesn't work and get you off your a$$, she then explodes....
 

serf

New Member
If I am not wrong, you're the non-confrontational type and prefer to keep things buttoned-up rather than to tell him upfront the very second issues arise. Dissonance builds with time. Maybe you should learn to seize the bull by the horns.

Message for guys - girls don't explode for no reason. She starts telling you nicely but you don't listen. Then she "nags", and if that doesn't work and get you off your a$$, she then explodes....
You're quite spot-on, I must say...are you, by any chance, a marriage counsellor?
 

serf

New Member
Then u "go on strike".
yes, i did that "wife go on strike" thing before...i stopped doing household chores & cooking for a week...and he ended up cooking up a mess and my daughter ended up with a bad case of stomach flu.
 

MyENV

New Member
TS, you made a commitment and have chosen to bring your daughter into your marriage, you owe it to her to do everything in your power to reconnect, fix what is broken, and provide healthy role models.

You loved your husband well enough to marry him 23 years ago. He isn’t cheating on you, isn’t a drunk or a gambler etc and he is a good father. He deserves better than to have you thinking of divorce without any deadly sin. Don’t keep focusing on his weak points, but also must look at his plus points too, give and take. Not every relationship is perfect, but we learn to meet in the middle.

Most husbands have no clue what it takes to run house and work also. Men are just wired differently from women. Many marital problems are a result of a lack of communication. Men are not mind readers, it is up to you to put your foot down and tell him to help. You can also get a part time cleaner and ask him to pay.

My suggestion is to talk to your husband and let him know what is expected of him and ask him to go marriage counselling with you to save the marriage.

Read : How Do I Get My Husband to be less Passive? (by Samatha Rodman) huffpost.com
 
I would advocate acceptance rather than compromise. Compromising is like a stretched rubber-band waiting to bite you in the a$$ sometime in the future
 

aveyron

New Member
Feels exactly like my situation right now. I'm a SAHM so really, doing all the unappreciated work which when u do, no one notices, but once you don't do it, everyone notices. Tried all the above methods as suggested but outcome still the same. I even say "i want a hug" since guys cannot read minds, and got rejected. He's a good father, but sadly cannot be a good husband at the same time. I try very hard to make the connection but he is just preoccupied with work, feel stressful, and I like to add on that he is an avid gamer and I fell is definitely addicted to his smartphone which he denied. He cannot even give me 10 min of uninterrupted attention away from digital devices.
 

serf

New Member
Feels exactly like my situation right now. I'm a SAHM so really, doing all the unappreciated work which when u do, no one notices, but once you don't do it, everyone notices. Tried all the above methods as suggested but outcome still the same. I even say "i want a hug" since guys cannot read minds, and got rejected. He's a good father, but sadly cannot be a good husband at the same time. I try very hard to make the connection but he is just preoccupied with work, feel stressful, and I like to add on that he is an avid gamer and I fell is definitely addicted to his smartphone which he denied. He cannot even give me 10 min of uninterrupted attention away from digital devices.
...and i thought i was the only odd one out who's experiencing situations like these...i know how you feel too
 

MyENV

New Member
Feels exactly like my situation right now. I'm a SAHM so really, doing all the unappreciated work which when u do, no one notices, but once you don't do it, everyone notices. Tried all the above methods as suggested but outcome still the same. I even say "i want a hug" since guys cannot read minds, and got rejected. He's a good father, but sadly cannot be a good husband at the same time. I try very hard to make the connection but he is just preoccupied with work, feel stressful, and I like to add on that he is an avid gamer and I fell is definitely addicted to his smartphone which he denied. He cannot even give me 10 min of uninterrupted attention away from digital devices.

He used to celebrate your birthday and now stopped. He made no response even you told him after it’s over ( from Husband remember everyone’s else’s birthday except mine). You tried to connect with him but got rejected. It’s possible a sign he is not invested in the relationship anymore. That’s indicative of a other deeper relationship problems that you need to address it with him directly. As suggested by eileen85, you better have a HTH talk with him before it’s too late.
 

aveyron

New Member
He used to celebrate your birthday and now stopped. He made no response even you told him after it’s over ( from Husband remember everyone’s else’s birthday except mine). You tried to connect with him but got rejected. It’s possible a sign he is not invested in the relationship anymore. That’s indicative of a other deeper relationship problems that you need to address it with him directly. As suggested by eileen85, you better have a HTH talk with him before it’s too late.
I did try to talk to him but he just brush me off as sensitive and paranoid. It seems I'm just trying to stir up otherwise peaceful waters. I agree there is other underlying problems over the years but just went unresolved. Kind of disappointed that I'm not getting much emotional support though he claimed otherwise. The family synergy changed water the kids came along, but it seems that he cannot adjust and is still hoping that everything will fall into place nicely. He's actually the affectionate one in the relationship before kids, and he still is, but only towards the kids. It's actually quite hurtful to be rejected after I went through everything to have 2 kids through IVF too.
 

aveyron

New Member
...and i thought i was the only odd one out who's experiencing situations like these...i know how you feel too
I'm actually telling myself I will hang on for my kids who are still very young. Other than being clueless and nonchalant , he is otherwise a good father, filial son, Mr nice guy etc. But I guess for women, we are looking for a bit more emotionally.
 

MyENV

New Member
I'm actually telling myself I will hang on for my kids who are still very young. Other than being clueless and nonchalant , he is otherwise a good father, filial son, Mr nice guy etc. But I guess for women, we are looking for a bit more emotionally.
You have access to all your husband money and you still complained he doesn’t give you allowance ( from Husband and hp games). FYI, most married women do not have access to all their husband money. You should count your blessings.
As mentioned by zorden2003, please don’t abuse the trust. Your marriage is going to beyond repair if you abuse it. Your husband made no response even when you told him after your birthday over, I’d take it as a big red flag.

He is a filial son and he thinks you picking on his mother. My advice is do not criticise his parents. Don’t meddle on how much he gives them. Respect and treat them well. Resolve your underlying problems to save your marriage.

Read : How to Maintain a Good Relationship with Your In Laws
wikihow.com
 
I did try to talk to him but he just brush me off as sensitive and paranoid. It seems I'm just trying to stir up otherwise peaceful waters. I agree there is other underlying problems over the years but just went unresolved. Kind of disappointed that I'm not getting much emotional support though he claimed otherwise. The family synergy changed water the kids came along, but it seems that he cannot adjust and is still hoping that everything will fall into place nicely. He's actually the affectionate one in the relationship before kids, and he still is, but only towards the kids. It's actually quite hurtful to be rejected after I went through everything to have 2 kids through IVF too.
You can continue to tip-toe and skirt the issues, but for how long? You want to live the rest of your life threading on eggshells?

Why would a man who is supposed to love you brush off your concerns instead of trying to make things right?

You've alluded to "underlying" issues without referring to them - sweeping things under the carpet or burying your head in the sand is not going to make a better relationship.

I'm guessing over the years you have compromised on many things or maybe something whose issue(s) has/have returned to roost
 
I'm actually telling myself I will hang on for my kids who are still very young. Other than being clueless and nonchalant , he is otherwise a good father, filial son, Mr nice guy etc. But I guess for women, we are looking for a bit more emotionally.
A good friend can look after your physical needs, you don't have to marry them.

Jokes aside, I am pretty sure that through the years you've only engaged in level 5, 4 or even 3 communication together. You need to go deeper into level 2 and 1.

Go google "4 levels of communication for couples" or "5 levels of communication for couples" etc ....
 

newproject

Active Member
you having a mid life crisis it seems . Today ladies get that too. Won't admit it but will pull out a lot of funny reason to be dissatisfied.

Still if you feel now you are not compatible anymore can still divorce. But I doubt you dare.

You can tell him how you feel but ill be honest, a lot of the problems probably lie in yourself.

He already quite old can't change much also. And you also can't blame him since he didn't suddenly wake up like this. You never say anything until now...

We got married in our 20s and he had that ambitious drive to start his own business after learning all the hands-on skills in the company that he worked in. Somehow, complacency set in and he became too laid-back to do anything else more than is required. And that work attitude applies to his manner towards home as well. Somehow, I'm beginning to feel like a domestic helper to him - breakfast all set up, laundry & ironing all done, floors are cleaned, groceries shopping, keeping up to date with daughter's JC life & homework - while he just comes home from work, have his dinner, mahjong app game, CCM movies, read the newspapers and then lights out. And the same cycle repeats again...
 

newproject

Active Member
spot on.

all these stories.. seriously are they even listening to themselves...
You have access to all your husband money and you still complained he doesn’t give you allowance ( from Husband and hp games). FYI, most married women do not have access to all their husband money. You should count your blessings.
As mentioned by zorden2003, please don’t abuse the trust. Your marriage is going to beyond repair if you abuse it. Your husband made no response even when you told him after your birthday over, I’d take it as a big red flag.

He is a filial son and he thinks you picking on his mother. My advice is do not criticise his parents. Don’t meddle on how much he gives them. Respect and treat them well. Resolve your underlying problems to save your marriage.

Read : How to Maintain a Good Relationship with Your In Laws
wikihow.com
 

OldDude

New Member
And playing HP games doesn't fall into any of those levels :rolleyes:

LOL!
It's seem like everyone is putting their blames on HP games these days... and it's so unfortunately, majority HP games players are male...
What to do?
Let's out a new subject thread on, "Why blame guys for playing HP games?"
 
LOL!
It's seem like everyone is putting their blames on HP games these days... and it's so unfortunately, majority HP games players are male...
What to do?
Let's out a new subject thread on, "Why blame guys for playing HP games?"
I beg to differ. I think it is plain rude to play HP games if your galfren or spouse is talking to you.

The full context of my answer - playing HP games doesn't fall into any of the 5 levels of communication with the galfren/boyfren/spouse - take your pick

Which brings me back full circle to the "acceptance" vs "compromise" debate - if you have accepted that your boyfriend is going to play HP games while you're having a serious HTHT or accepted that it is okay to treat you like a doormat, then you can't complain after marriage that you don't feel cherished. One has to sleep in the bed that you've made. Else what you have done is just to "compromise" and hope that he will change after marriage, which we all know is when pigs fly.

Communication is the bedrock of a relationship. Get it right and may you live long and prosper.
 

OldDude

New Member
you having a mid life crisis it seems . Today ladies get that too. Won't admit it but will pull out a lot of funny reason to be dissatisfied.

Still if you feel now you are not compatible anymore can still divorce. But I doubt you dare.

You can tell him how you feel but ill be honest, a lot of the problems probably lie in yourself.

He already quite old can't change much also. And you also can't blame him since he didn't suddenly wake up like this. You never say anything until now...


Dear serf,

I 100% agreed with newproject. That's why I quote this. Unlike him, I will be a bit sarcastic to you.
Don't blame me, I am an old dude.
Surely, out of 100 person, have 1-10 cases like yours. What are your purpose for asking?
And out of some may years, you don't bring up these messy things, but you choose to bring up during this Covid timing?
 

OldDude

New Member
I beg to differ. I think it is plain rude to play HP games if your galfren or spouse is talking to you.

The full context of my answer - playing HP games doesn't fall into any of the 5 levels of communication with the galfren/boyfren/spouse - take your pick

Which brings me back full circle to the "acceptance" vs "compromise" debate - if you have accepted that your boyfriend is going to play HP games while you're having a serious HTHT or accepted that it is okay to treat you like a doormat, then you can't complain after marriage that you don't feel cherished. One has to sleep in the bed that you've made. Else what you have done is just to "compromise" and hope that he will change after marriage, which we all know is when pigs fly.

Communication is the bedrock of a relationship. Get it right and may you live long and prosper.


Don't get me wrong...
I did LIKE your reply, because I was impressed on what you wrote.
You scored 100 out of 100 points!
 

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