Mixed Feelings

SnowAngelx93

New Member
So I have been with my boyfriend (he's in his 20s and 1 year older than me) for 3 years and he is studying in University now. He has been more frugal about money after he ORD as he has to rely on his limited savings earned from various adhoc jobs during his school vacation.

Yesterday, I was upset about him on something and he attempted to meet me for lunch and asked what did I want to eat so he could buy me lunch. I didn't request for expensive food, just sushi and bun which cost 5 bucks. Then he got back with the food and I ate it happily thinking how he did it because of me and how generous he is towards his gf (afterall in general, guys in rs tend to provide and care for the well being of their gfs if they really love them).

Then after I finished my lunch, he turned my world upside down by saying 'transfer 5 bucks to my bank later'. Yes at this moment, I was speechless and walked away. Till now, I didn't want to talk to him. My point as woman is, yeah you can say the bf is frugal blabla. But I also can defend saying isn't it part of a guy's affection to provide and care for his gf, what's more a 5 bucks?! He provided the meal and he was so STINGY enough that he would chase after me for the 5 bucks. Hello, you offered to buy your gf a meal cos you want to cheer her up after making her upset and then now you came to tell her you want her to pay the 5 bucks you have LOST???!!!!! THAT'S RIDICULOUS! If he is already so STINGY over such a small amount, how to expect him to be the PROVIDER for the family in future!!!

A man has 3 distinct attributes that attract women: provide, protect and profess, besides loving the woman. Yes I know he cannot be provider for everything and as working adult I would also share his burden like if we are paying for flat in future. But he still should be the provider as a man for 60-70% of the time in future! Yes while I fork out to help and think of ways to spice up the family well being, those extra 10-20% are the treats/little surprises along the way to help improve the relatio ship. He is and will never be closer than that! The way he shows it it seems money is more important than caring for the well being of the gf and making the other feel cared for and loved in a rs! The smallest actions and thoughts like these matter a lot as we women care more of these in rs and he didn't even seize the opportunity! What did he take me for! It's like, while I was eating the lunch he bought all the while, he was thinking, 'later i must rmb to ask her transfer the money' instead of seeing how happy I ate the lunch and feeling loved by his SELFLESS ACTION. And then bam! My thought about him shattered. WHAT KIND OF BOYFRIEND HAS HE CLAIMED TO BE!

FYI, though we have been quarrelling over these years, we also have been loving for most of the time. Loving as in, he always greets me morning and night in happy manner and share with me many stuffs and ask about me during the day and committed to call me if we arent meeting that day. We always have a good laugh on matters and have jokes and cute moments that only we would find it funny on each other and others won't understand. He loves me BUT now I'm starting to think I'm like a convenience tool for him and his love is SHALLOW. Like you love someone but love is not just about being in love! It's about maintenance, being there for the partner, tactful in terms of the rs well being and putting in efforts to sow the seeds!

At first when he dated me, he even did those gentlemen stuffs, now he chase after a penny, and refused to help me small things (from my record I only requested less than 10 helps in entire 3 years because I knew he wouldn't help!!! He would whine about how difficult he is to help me e.g only 1 time carrying heavy backsack because my shoulder is pain and he gave me a look of disgust, help me find an empty CD from Daiso and he said he wld only go there if it's on the way, help me log in game play for a while only cos I was working and very stressed up that day to play and it's during his sch holiday where he basically sits at home when not working but he kept saying 'don't want'). Hello, every time he asked me to help him print stuffs from office, do this and that I also readily did for him (think I so free ah print for him while I was working?!). And then you see for such small requests that I asked previously, I always expected a 'But...' from him!!! That is why I seldom request him cos I know he would never want to help his gf whereas for other boyfriends who love their gfs are very happy to do!!!


Nowadays I really have conflicting mind and I am not sure if he even loves me anymore when he
1) Is stingy and care more about the money than well being of the gf

2) I thought if guys love their gfs and if they learn that their gfs are in need of help, their nature would push them to help because it CONCERNS THEIR GF and as a attestment to his loving character but so far he's never been any sincere! Plus I know there's a saying that I need to communicate directly so he knows and that's what I've been doing but those are the poor responses I got!!!

3) He's been caring more for himself than others. And therefore I never trusted him to be for me even when I need him! He would always be thinking of his own convenience first but never ever go out of way for the other half! He stays rooted to his sleeping pattern and have a tight control of his money but having a life and having some you love but you wouldn't go out of way for her at times? What does it show if you can weather sun together but not storm!?!

During the initial phase he would attempt to make his firm stand even when I express my upset feelings and then in our third year somehow he learns to step in and apologise after he knows I'm hurt. He would say that he would not repeat the mistakes. But this is endless! Like for this recent case, he didn't even show any signs of sincerity! Don't say he went to get food for me until so touching when the end was a big fat disappointment. When we go out together, I don't even ask him to pay, we go dutch.

I'm seriously disappointed that I have been dating this so-called best friend of mine for 3 years and what he showed was lack of sincerity and care towards his gf despite being committed and us having hearty and open chats a lot like best friends. It's not that I am expecting him to pay every time but wheres the small actions at the right time especially when the other half is feeling down because of him?! Is that how he should be treating his gf if he loves her?!!

I'm not sure these incidents are related to his dwindling love or not related. He's not a romantic person and he's not the one you can really discuss your experience or deep feelings with. He's the kind of boy who is happy go lucky and doesn't have any deep or sad emotions and he doesn't really think much on erm generally speaking thise heartfelt stuffs (you know what I mean). I was quite skeptical when I decided to accept him because he is the above mentioned and it would take time for him to nurture his feelings. It proved correctly all this while. He says he is with me for the long term as he has been looking for a long term partner and I am his first and only one. We also have been discussing and referring to our future flat and kids.
 

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Passionate

New Member
Have you tried sitting down with him and talk things over? Let him know how you feel, why you are upset and what's your expectations of him. If both of you feel that it is worthwhile to continue, set a deadline.

If things still don't work out by then, it is better to end early. By work out, I mean either you change mindset and accept who he is, or he change his mind set. Fate plays an important part in a relationship.
 

newproject

Active Member
I disagree that you say you expect the man to provide 60-70%. Why not 50%. If he provides more than you should defer to him but you want equality in all things than 50% is fair.

That said the rest seems to imply he is not even giving 50%.

I say dump him.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
All that being said,it is very obvious that he is a selfish guy and cares more for himself than you.deep down you are not happy and I'm sure you know what to do but it's just tied down by ur own feelings towards him.i would like to say you would have to made a firm and hard decision if u want to be truly happy.ur not married to him yet,and it's not too late.give urself a chance to be with someone who is willing to bring u happiness.
 

SnowAngelx93

New Member
Have you tried sitting down with him and talk things over? Let him know how you feel, why you are upset and what's your expectations of him. If both of you feel that it is worthwhile to continue, set a deadline.

If things still don't work out by then, it is better to end early. By work out, I mean either you change mindset and accept who he is, or he change his mind set. Fate plays an important part in a relationship.
Just an update: I wrote to him about his action but because he had an interview so it took 2 hours for him to see the phone. Then after knowing i got upset by this incident, he apologised and came to my house after his job but I was asleep at that time so he went back. Then he apologised over messenger.
E.g
9.30pm i ask wrongly dear dear :( shouldnt have ask :( Mickey realise his mistakes le :(
10.06pm Mickey is wrong le dear dear :(
11.31pm dear dear sleep liao ah?
1.09am good night dear dear :( Mickey go sleep le :( he is really sorry for ytd :(
As we have a plan the next day, i replied to him... And so the next day we hang out as usual. He will always look at me with puppy eyes and say he's sorry. I think that's his character as he's always happy go lucky and easygoing. He isnt the emotional kind though previously he did cry when we were about to break up. So on that day we hang out since we also had a plan that day and I took leave and doesnt want to waste it, we went on as usual. I let the matter off already. If he doesnt care or love, he wouldnt bother reconciling with me right?..

He said he wldnt do it anymore. Previously those helps he refused he also said he wldnt do it anymore and nowadays when i ask him for help a few times to test his reaction, he would act upon it. But i still cant shake off the though that he only does it because it's convenient to him at that point of time. He will only think of his own situation first before helping me (on a side note, it isnt wrong to say everyone puts themself first right and you cant expect the other to drop off your stuff halfway and help u if it's not urgent). The refusals over the years had casted a shadow on me. For example, last time I asked to borrow power bank from him because my phone ran out of battery and he kept refusing. Then after that he lent me. He said he was joking with me only. But the next time, a girl from our hang out group asked him for powerbank he didnt resist or joke but just lent her. I can't help but feel sad that when I asked him last time it was like how hard for him to finally lend me and now he didnt refuse from request by someone not close. I cant help but having thought like 'why not me?' and how can he do that to his girlfriend but on the other hand he said he was joking earlier. But he did realise that affected me negatively so nowadays i think when i asked him for powerbank 1 or 2 times, he just lent it to me.

He is a best friend to me as I dont have anyone close to me so I never really insisted on the thought to separate from him. Compared to him nobody is there for me when I need a listening ear. I would have someone to share my thoughts and jokes with. You can say I can try to go out and make new friends but I am working now that is impossible. Even if it is possible, I dont have luck with female friends as they would always just hi and bye and never contact again. I tried to make friends and contacted with the girls, but in the end they also never kept in touch with me. The only one who's still there is ny boyfriend so you can see how he had played an important in my life... There's also saying that in rs there's bound to have a lot of differences and guys in their younger days tend to care more about himself but gradually he will learn to give. If let's say my boyfriend is still unrepentant then obviously i should break up as it's going nowhere but each time he would apologise for it and attempt not to repeat the same thing again. But moving forward, the list seems endless for different cases as nobody is perfect. I also read that it is important to have a partner who can work out the differences together.

I feel loved when he is committed during the rs like he spends his time with me, greets me morning and night every day, tries to reply me whenever he can (it's not like he feels like it then reply), and he tries to send me back home if it's not past train hours and he gives me a sense of security like he doesnt club or party and doesnt like to go for massage. He is also not the kind who drool over prettier girls. He is hardworking in his studies and he sticks to his routine. That was why i have chosen him over my previous rs. He did bring me happiness like share my feelings and thoughts. I dont know, im still conflicted by his love. I dont know when we get married, will he be giving or I will still be the one giving. Maybe he also feels he's giving? Im thinking in terms of my viewpoint, but at the same time Im not a one sided person, I also think from a rs viewpoint where it's important for couple to work out the differences if both still want each other. Afterall rs is not to walk away but repair the damage, right?
 

SnowAngelx93

New Member
I disagree that you say you expect the man to provide 60-70%. Why not 50%. If he provides more than you should defer to him but you want equality in all things than 50% is fair.

That said the rest seems to imply he is not even giving 50%.

I say dump him.
Yes equality is a norm nowadays. Im saying the extra 10% and 20% is to even out the imbalance as I would fork out my emotional sides if we were to build a family. Like I would try all sorts of things to warm and spice up the family. And also what makes a man as a partner in the first place is he could provide as he is the more physical side. While women care about emotional needs. He looks like he isnt giving his 50%... how about other things like his time and commitment etc?..
 

SnowAngelx93

New Member
All that being said,it is very obvious that he is a selfish guy and cares more for himself than you.deep down you are not happy and I'm sure you know what to do but it's just tied down by ur own feelings towards him.i would like to say you would have to made a firm and hard decision if u want to be truly happy.ur not married to him yet,and it's not too late.give urself a chance to be with someone who is willing to bring u happiness.
Yes i agree... but I cant walk away from him as he is the only close friend I have now... and I love to have him around too as Im used to his presence and I love him a lot. He is the one who's optimistic and not get too negative about things. On the upside he lightens the mood of everything. He never throw temper or give me cold shoulder because he said before he has a good temper management. He says he will be the one for me..
 

Staypositive

Active Member
Just an update: I wrote to him about his action but because he had an interview so it took 2 hours for him to see the phone. Then after knowing i got upset by this incident, he apologised and came to my house after his job but I was asleep at that time so he went back. Then he apologised over messenger.
E.g
9.30pm i ask wrongly dear dear :( shouldnt have ask :( Mickey realise his mistakes le :(
10.06pm Mickey is wrong le dear dear :(
11.31pm dear dear sleep liao ah?
1.09am good night dear dear :( Mickey go sleep le :( he is really sorry for ytd :(
As we have a plan the next day, i replied to him... And so the next day we hang out as usual. He will always look at me with puppy eyes and say he's sorry. I think that's his character as he's always happy go lucky and easygoing. He isnt the emotional kind though previously he did cry when we were about to break up. So on that day we hang out since we also had a plan that day and I took leave and doesnt want to waste it, we went on as usual. I let the matter off already. If he doesnt care or love, he wouldnt bother reconciling with me right?..

He said he wldnt do it anymore. Previously those helps he refused he also said he wldnt do it anymore and nowadays when i ask him for help a few times to test his reaction, he would act upon it. But i still cant shake off the though that he only does it because it's convenient to him at that point of time. He will only think of his own situation first before helping me (on a side note, it isnt wrong to say everyone puts themself first right and you cant expect the other to drop off your stuff halfway and help u if it's not urgent). The refusals over the years had casted a shadow on me. For example, last time I asked to borrow power bank from him because my phone ran out of battery and he kept refusing. Then after that he lent me. He said he was joking with me only. But the next time, a girl from our hang out group asked him for powerbank he didnt resist or joke but just lent her. I can't help but feel sad that when I asked him last time it was like how hard for him to finally lend me and now he didnt refuse from request by someone not close. I cant help but having thought like 'why not me?' and how can he do that to his girlfriend but on the other hand he said he was joking earlier. But he did realise that affected me negatively so nowadays i think when i asked him for powerbank 1 or 2 times, he just lent it to me.

He is a best friend to me as I dont have anyone close to me so I never really insisted on the thought to separate from him. Compared to him nobody is there for me when I need a listening ear. I would have someone to share my thoughts and jokes with. You can say I can try to go out and make new friends but I am working now that is impossible. Even if it is possible, I dont have luck with female friends as they would always just hi and bye and never contact again. I tried to make friends and contacted with the girls, but in the end they also never kept in touch with me. The only one who's still there is ny boyfriend so you can see how he had played an important in my life... There's also saying that in rs there's bound to have a lot of differences and guys in their younger days tend to care more about himself but gradually he will learn to give. If let's say my boyfriend is still unrepentant then obviously i should break up as it's going nowhere but each time he would apologise for it and attempt not to repeat the same thing again. But moving forward, the list seems endless for different cases as nobody is perfect. I also read that it is important to have a partner who can work out the differences together.

I feel loved when he is committed during the rs like he spends his time with me, greets me morning and night every day, tries to reply me whenever he can (it's not like he feels like it then reply), and he tries to send me back home if it's not past train hours and he gives me a sense of security like he doesnt club or party and doesnt like to go for massage. He is also not the kind who drool over prettier girls. He is hardworking in his studies and he sticks to his routine. That was why i have chosen him over my previous rs. He did bring me happiness like share my feelings and thoughts. I dont know, im still conflicted by his love. I dont know when we get married, will he be giving or I will still be the one giving. Maybe he also feels he's giving? Im thinking in terms of my viewpoint, but at the same time Im not a one sided person, I also think from a rs viewpoint where it's important for couple to work out the differences if both still want each other. Afterall rs is not to walk away but repair the damage, right?

You need to widen ur horizon and know more friend.yeah,sometimes they may not reciprocate but keep trying!im sure you find someone who can click with you.if you think that he is still worth ur love,you have to learn to accept the not so nice parts of him.fyi,you can change someone.he has to be willing to change.you can only accept it,if you still want to be with him.if not,just leave.i dun think he would care since he is calculative with u over a small thing like a powerbank.anyway do give this relationship a serious thought.ask urself,are you truly happy?if you are,why are you writing in this forum seeking advice?
 

Staypositive

Active Member
You need to widen ur horizon and know more friend.yeah,sometimes they may not reciprocate but keep trying!im sure you find someone who can click with you.if you think that he is still worth ur love,you have to learn to accept the not so nice parts of him.fyi,you can change someone.he has to be willing to change.you can only accept it,if you still want to be with him.if not,just leave.i dun think he would care since he is calculative with u over a small thing like a powerbank.anyway do give this relationship a serious thought.ask urself,are you truly happy?if you are,why are you writing in this forum seeking advice?


You cannot change him.sorry abt the typo on the previous post.
 

SnowAngelx93

New Member
You need to widen ur horizon and know more friend.yeah,sometimes they may not reciprocate but keep trying!im sure you find someone who can click with you.if you think that he is still worth ur love,you have to learn to accept the not so nice parts of him.fyi,you can change someone.he has to be willing to change.you can only accept it,if you still want to be with him.if not,just leave.i dun think he would care since he is calculative with u over a small thing like a powerbank.anyway do give this relationship a serious thought.ask urself,are you truly happy?if you are,why are you writing in this forum seeking advice?
From your viewpoint to the good and bad parts about him and the way he makes apologies that he wouldn't do it again, do you think is he worth to be given another chance? I cannot get over the fact that he was once selfish (irony of love when he does other things that make me feel loved) and that hurt me inside.
 

SnowAngelx93

New Member
P.S Please ignore above post if you see it's similar to this post as in this post I have added a few more stuffs cos the 20 minutes of edits have expired for above post...

I can't determine whether I am truly happy with him or not because it's not black and white. I am happy at times and not at times. The only flaw in this rs is being selfless. For example I have outlined and rate the following attributes he achieved/not achieved over the years:

1) Time spent enough - 90% (He tries and I can see that)
2) Commitment - 95% (Like call me at night when we are not meeting that day, write me letters on occasions as I love when he writes letters to express his feelings; he's committed on the days we are supposed to go on dates, he doesn't just fly aeroplane without informing in advance)
3) Honesty - 99% (Yes he is very honest as I have proofs to that. Remaining 1% is maybe white lies which I am not sure if he does and white lies can be good or bad, depends)
4) Security - 75% (Doesn't club or get wasted, or go for massage. He also doesn't try to look for jobs that require him to travel as he considers how I long to have a stable family in future. I told him my ex was someone who had to travel frequently and I left him because he couldn't give me a sense of security as I would constantly worry about his safety and having to wait for his return. He also shares that he wants a stable job in Singapore. But sometimes when his female friends ask him for help and he sprinted to him right away has lowered my sense of security)
5) Display of Affection - 90% (He gives me hugs and kisses that I like; and playful touches - that sometime annoy me despite telling him already)
6) Care - 80% (He call me cute pet names when I was feeling down and he would imagine our future kids; he used to ignore me when I told him I was upset and we quarrelled but nowadays he tries not to let the silence stay long and afterwards he would try to reconcile. He also remembers my birthday, our anniversary, occasions and would celebrate with me. The remaining 20% is interlinked with selflessness below. Because if he truly care, he wouldn't display the selfishness)
7) Attention - 75% (He tries to respond to things I share with him whether significant or no but remaining 25% is when we are outside, he would get distracted by things we walk past while I am talking to him. He claims he's listening and he could remember what I said but being distracted by other things is doesn't mean you really listen attentively)
8) Faithfulness - 99% (He's not the kind who drools over prettier girls and at least he makes me feel he's faithful most of the time. The remaining 1% is the exception as nobody is perfect - that he might unconsciously fall for someone but he would still hide his feelings as he is committed to us)
9) Compromise - 80% (During initial stage, he wouldn't compromise whenever we have an argument over how his attitude has upset me. But over years he would try to compromise the requests. For other things he just goes along when I merely suggest places, food, movies but did not force it etc He is an easygoing person who doesn't mind much)
10) Selflessness - 40% (I don't know is it because he's still growing up or what as he's still in his 20s. He doesn't know what is meant by giving to smallest requests/unconditionally)
11) Appreciation - 60% (He says thank you when I made him gifts or food or helped him. The remaining 40% is he never once says he misses the food I cooked. He doesn't reflect how I used to cook for him last time and say he would like to try the food again. It was like a past action forgotten. And as expected, I didn't cook for him anymore. I have communicated to him for what reasons I wasn't feeling appreciative)
12) Temper - 100% He never scolds, gives me cold shoulder or throws temper at me as he has good temper management.
13) Seriousness - 75% (When he makes gifts for the past few times, he did them meticulously. Like when he ensures that the cards are neatly cut when we were making our own diary cards; and when he fold origami and drew precisely; and when he make a seemingly simply box card but paid attention to detail as he spent 4 hours making it. He also doesn't never say break up with me except for the 2 times where he said 1) if breaking up would stop me from hurting myself physically and mentally, he would do so 2) if breaking up would remove my hatred from him. He never attempts to change me and he never points out anything he isn't pleased with me. Breaking up is not a word he hangs by his mouth. He sees me as long-term partner. The remaining 25% is uncertainty of the seriousness in his words)
14) Comfort - 100% (We are comfortable and open with each other in that we don't have secrets between us and we can show our bad habits or opinions to each other without judgements. He is the reason why I chose him because unlike my ex who expects me to act like a 30s woman to be feminine and mature in my words, my current bf lets me feel comfortable in my own skin, in my worst, and act like my age. I don't have to pretend to be someone else. He says he doesn't like me to wear makeup as I look best in my natural state and he isn't like those visual guys who desire slim women. He lets me eat whatever I want though he is also conscious over me consuming too much unhealthy food)

Out of the 14 attributes, 12 are at least 75% except for only the 2 attributes - Selflessness and Appreciation. I have communicated clearly all my needs to him as I know the importance of communication. With that said, if I were to rate this at initial stage, the percentage would be a lot lower. Over the years, this is the percentage that he has achieved for the sake of us.

Anyone who reads this, would you give me opinions? Nobody is perfect as some people might be lazy but not all the times are lazy. As long as one encompasses most of the qualities required and the other half is willing to change, it should be safe to assume this is the right rs?..
 
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jx.lim123

New Member
P.S Please ignore above post if you see it's similar to this post as in this post I have added a few more stuffs cos the 20 minutes of edits have expired for above post...

I can't determine whether I am truly happy with him or not because it's not black and white. I am happy at times and not at times. The only flaw in this rs is being selfless. For example I have outlined and rate the following attributes he achieved/not achieved over the years:

1) Time spent enough - 90% (He tries and I can see that)
2) Commitment - 95% (Like call me at night when we are not meeting that day, write me letters on occasions as I love when he writes letters to express his feelings; he's committed on the days we are supposed to go on dates, he doesn't just fly aeroplane without informing in advance)
3) Honesty - 99% (Yes he is very honest as I have proofs to that. Remaining 1% is maybe white lies which I am not sure if he does and white lies can be good or bad, depends)
4) Security - 75% (Doesn't club or get wasted, or go for massage. He also doesn't try to look for jobs that require him to travel as he considers how I long to have a stable family in future. I told him my ex was someone who had to travel frequently and I left him because he couldn't give me a sense of security as I would constantly worry about his safety and having to wait for his return. He also shares that he wants a stable job in Singapore. But sometimes when his female friends ask him for help and he sprinted to him right away has lowered my sense of security)
5) Display of Affection - 90% (He gives me hugs and kisses that I like; and playful touches - that sometime annoy me despite telling him already)
6) Care - 80% (He call me cute pet names when I was feeling down and he would imagine our future kids; he used to ignore me when I told him I was upset and we quarrelled but nowadays he tries not to let the silence stay long and afterwards he would try to reconcile. He also remembers my birthday, our anniversary, occasions and would celebrate with me. The remaining 20% is interlinked with selflessness below. Because if he truly care, he wouldn't display the selfishness)
7) Attention - 75% (He tries to respond to things I share with him whether significant or no but remaining 25% is when we are outside, he would get distracted by things we walk past while I am talking to him. He claims he's listening and he could remember what I said but being distracted by other things is doesn't mean you really listen attentively)
8) Faithfulness - 99% (He's not the kind who drools over prettier girls and at least he makes me feel he's faithful most of the time. The remaining 1% is the exception as nobody is perfect - that he might unconsciously fall for someone but he would still hide his feelings as he is committed to us)
9) Compromise - 80% (During initial stage, he wouldn't compromise whenever we have an argument over how his attitude has upset me. But over years he would try to compromise the requests. For other things he just goes along when I merely suggest places, food, movies but did not force it etc He is an easygoing person who doesn't mind much)
10) Selflessness - 40% (I don't know is it because he's still growing up or what as he's still in his 20s. He doesn't know what is meant by giving to smallest requests/unconditionally)
11) Appreciation - 60% (He says thank you when I made him gifts or food or helped him. The remaining 40% is he never once says he misses the food I cooked. He doesn't reflect how I used to cook for him last time and say he would like to try the food again. It was like a past action forgotten. And as expected, I didn't cook for him anymore. I have communicated to him for what reasons I wasn't feeling appreciative)
12) Temper - 100% He never scolds, gives me cold shoulder or throws temper at me as he has good temper management.
13) Seriousness - 75% (When he makes gifts for the past few times, he did them meticulously. Like when he ensures that the cards are neatly cut when we were making our own diary cards; and when he fold origami and drew precisely; and when he make a seemingly simply box card but paid attention to detail as he spent 4 hours making it. He also doesn't never say break up with me except for the 2 times where he said 1) if breaking up would stop me from hurting myself physically and mentally, he would do so 2) if breaking up would remove my hatred from him. He never attempts to change me and he never points out anything he isn't pleased with me. Breaking up is not a word he hangs by his mouth. He sees me as long-term partner. The remaining 25% is uncertainty of the seriousness in his words)
14) Comfort - 100% (We are comfortable and open with each other in that we don't have secrets between us and we can show our bad habits or opinions to each other without judgements. He is the reason why I chose him because unlike my ex who expects me to act like a 30s woman to be feminine and mature in my words, my current bf lets me feel comfortable in my own skin, in my worst, and act like my age. I don't have to pretend to be someone else. He says he doesn't like me to wear makeup as I look best in my natural state and he isn't like those visual guys who desire slim women. He lets me eat whatever I want though he is also conscious over me consuming too much unhealthy food)

Out of the 14 attributes, 12 are at least 75% except for only the 2 attributes - Selflessness and Appreciation. I have communicated clearly all my needs to him as I know the importance of communication. With that said, if I were to rate this at initial stage, the percentage would be a lot lower. Over the years, this is the percentage that he has achieved for the sake of us.

Anyone who reads this, would you give me opinions? Nobody is perfect as some people might be lazy but not all the times are lazy. As long as one encompasses most of the qualities required and the other half is willing to change, it should be safe to assume this is the right rs?..

Seeing that you have rated him, how about yourself? How would you rate for the above?
 

newproject

Active Member
Snowangel you are very young 23 only or so right?

Reading your responses is confusing. In one you paint him until so bad.

Then latest one it seems he not bad.

I really can't tell if he is really "bad" or you being immature and throwing up a fuss cos he doesn't give in to everything and or you expect perfection.

I suspect the answer lies in between you are very immature yourself.

Still if you want a guy who is well off and won't blink at giving you money then breakup.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
P.S Please ignore above post if you see it's similar to this post as in this post I have added a few more stuffs cos the 20 minutes of edits have expired for above post...

I can't determine whether I am truly happy with him or not because it's not black and white. I am happy at times and not at times. The only flaw in this rs is being selfless. For example I have outlined and rate the following attributes he achieved/not achieved over the years:

1) Time spent enough - 90% (He tries and I can see that)
2) Commitment - 95% (Like call me at night when we are not meeting that day, write me letters on occasions as I love when he writes letters to express his feelings; he's committed on the days we are supposed to go on dates, he doesn't just fly aeroplane without informing in advance)
3) Honesty - 99% (Yes he is very honest as I have proofs to that. Remaining 1% is maybe white lies which I am not sure if he does and white lies can be good or bad, depends)
4) Security - 75% (Doesn't club or get wasted, or go for massage. He also doesn't try to look for jobs that require him to travel as he considers how I long to have a stable family in future. I told him my ex was someone who had to travel frequently and I left him because he couldn't give me a sense of security as I would constantly worry about his safety and having to wait for his return. He also shares that he wants a stable job in Singapore. But sometimes when his female friends ask him for help and he sprinted to him right away has lowered my sense of security)
5) Display of Affection - 90% (He gives me hugs and kisses that I like; and playful touches - that sometime annoy me despite telling him already)
6) Care - 80% (He call me cute pet names when I was feeling down and he would imagine our future kids; he used to ignore me when I told him I was upset and we quarrelled but nowadays he tries not to let the silence stay long and afterwards he would try to reconcile. He also remembers my birthday, our anniversary, occasions and would celebrate with me. The remaining 20% is interlinked with selflessness below. Because if he truly care, he wouldn't display the selfishness)
7) Attention - 75% (He tries to respond to things I share with him whether significant or no but remaining 25% is when we are outside, he would get distracted by things we walk past while I am talking to him. He claims he's listening and he could remember what I said but being distracted by other things is doesn't mean you really listen attentively)
8) Faithfulness - 99% (He's not the kind who drools over prettier girls and at least he makes me feel he's faithful most of the time. The remaining 1% is the exception as nobody is perfect - that he might unconsciously fall for someone but he would still hide his feelings as he is committed to us)
9) Compromise - 80% (During initial stage, he wouldn't compromise whenever we have an argument over how his attitude has upset me. But over years he would try to compromise the requests. For other things he just goes along when I merely suggest places, food, movies but did not force it etc He is an easygoing person who doesn't mind much)
10) Selflessness - 40% (I don't know is it because he's still growing up or what as he's still in his 20s. He doesn't know what is meant by giving to smallest requests/unconditionally)
11) Appreciation - 60% (He says thank you when I made him gifts or food or helped him. The remaining 40% is he never once says he misses the food I cooked. He doesn't reflect how I used to cook for him last time and say he would like to try the food again. It was like a past action forgotten. And as expected, I didn't cook for him anymore. I have communicated to him for what reasons I wasn't feeling appreciative)
12) Temper - 100% He never scolds, gives me cold shoulder or throws temper at me as he has good temper management.
13) Seriousness - 75% (When he makes gifts for the past few times, he did them meticulously. Like when he ensures that the cards are neatly cut when we were making our own diary cards; and when he fold origami and drew precisely; and when he make a seemingly simply box card but paid attention to detail as he spent 4 hours making it. He also doesn't never say break up with me except for the 2 times where he said 1) if breaking up would stop me from hurting myself physically and mentally, he would do so 2) if breaking up would remove my hatred from him. He never attempts to change me and he never points out anything he isn't pleased with me. Breaking up is not a word he hangs by his mouth. He sees me as long-term partner. The remaining 25% is uncertainty of the seriousness in his words)
14) Comfort - 100% (We are comfortable and open with each other in that we don't have secrets between us and we can show our bad habits or opinions to each other without judgements. He is the reason why I chose him because unlike my ex who expects me to act like a 30s woman to be feminine and mature in my words, my current bf lets me feel comfortable in my own skin, in my worst, and act like my age. I don't have to pretend to be someone else. He says he doesn't like me to wear makeup as I look best in my natural state and he isn't like those visual guys who desire slim women. He lets me eat whatever I want though he is also conscious over me consuming too much unhealthy food)

Out of the 14 attributes, 12 are at least 75% except for only the 2 attributes - Selflessness and Appreciation. I have communicated clearly all my needs to him as I know the importance of communication. With that said, if I were to rate this at initial stage, the percentage would be a lot lower. Over the years, this is the percentage that he has achieved for the sake of us.

Anyone who reads this, would you give me opinions? Nobody is perfect as some people might be lazy but not all the times are lazy. As long as one encompasses most of the qualities required and the other half is willing to change, it should be safe to assume this is the right rs?..


You can choose to continue with him but keep ur options open.there is no such thing as who you can't live without.know more friends and see whether you still yearn for him as much as before.if yes,it shows u love him deeply.if no,then he is just like a companion to u,which you are used to.
 

SnowAngelx93

New Member
Snowangel you are very young 23 only or so right?

Reading your responses is confusing. In one you paint him until so bad.

Then latest one it seems he not bad.

I really can't tell if he is really "bad" or you being immature and throwing up a fuss cos he doesn't give in to everything and or you expect perfection.

I suspect the answer lies in between you are very immature yourself.

Still if you want a guy who is well off and won't blink at giving you money then breakup.

Hi dear, I am not that young.

First of all, Im not a one-sided person. I am stating the good and bad points about him because I want a fair view and it is in my maturity to be able to state a balanced view instead of just shooting at him and making you all think he is totally a badass.
Secondly, I am not throwing up a fuss because he doesn't give in to everything. We are talking about feelings here and him being selfish has made me doubt his love and the trust that he would be there. It's not just based on one incident. It is over a dozen of incidents that I made the assumption.
Thirdly, I don't expect him to be well off. If I expect, I would have stuck with my ex who is much well off. I chose this current guy because I believe he is sincere. I am a working adult and I don't need him to give me allowance of course but I need him to be generous and care for the well being and to know that women don't expect big gifts but the thoughts and smallest actions matter, but he doesn't seem to know what is the meaning of giving in a relationship - the fact that I am also always willing to give in a relationship and not a brat who expects people to provide for me and I do nothing.

By the way, I rated the above because I want an overview of his contribution in a relationship so to determine if this rs is worth it...
I just wonder, is this a selfish behaviour normal for a young boy who just starts out in a relationship or what.
 

SnowAngelx93

New Member
You can choose to continue with him but keep ur options open.there is no such thing as who you can't live without.know more friends and see whether you still yearn for him as much as before.if yes,it shows u love him deeply.if no,then he is just like a companion to u,which you are used to.
You can choose to continue with him but keep ur options open.there is no such thing as who you can't live without.know more friends and see whether you still yearn for him as much as before.if yes,it shows u love him deeply.if no,then he is just like a companion to u,which you are used to.

Thanks. Yeah you are right, should keep my options open. Maybe I wouldn't yearn for him as much as before once I get to know more people (which I am hoping for). I know I would still love him deeply because we shared too much memories and we were almost like kin... It's just that I couldn't understand why he would be selfish towards his loved one...

Women as you know, are very straightforward, once they love, they love hard as it is obvious in the way they show it. When it comes to emotions, they share and show it. When it comes to someone she loves, she would not be selfish if he asks her for help but would give and give without hesitation. But for guys, it's very different. Sometimes the things they do and how they feel don't match. They mostly act with their brains but for women they mostly act with their hearts as they are clouded with emotions.
 

SnowAngelx93

New Member
Seeing that you have rated him, how about yourself? How would you rate for the above?

Hi dear,

I can't judge myself, he has to judge for me as he is the only one suitable to do so.
But if you really want to know my view on myself, I would say roughly the same contribution except there's a switch between Selflessness and Temper. I am willing to give whenever he asks for help; and as for Temper, obviously I am not 100% perfect like him cos I do have/show temper. And for your information, men's requirements from women are more straightforward and very different.

I rate not because I am keeping scores. In fact this is the first time I came up with such thing in this post as I want a balanced view on him, otherwise you would think he's all bad, isn't it? Also, I want to be able to appreciate the attributes he have above, so that maybe they might compensate for the series of selfishness displayed in other ways. Many a times, people just look at the flaw, but didn't think of other good points. I do think about the good points but just couldn't understand why he would be selfish when there is love involved. The percentage is also only an indicator to show if that person has a quality or not. For example, you are 90% punctual and 10% not punctual for work because of traffic jams etc. But in general, you are considered a punctual person. They are only helping me to see clearer the boy I am dating.
 
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miloice

Well-Known Member
Hi there, in relationships, there is no wrong or right. What is clear, both your expectations are clearly different. From what you described, I don't think your guy is emotionless. However, he is very different from you and nothing in the right level to understand the differences. In any relationship, there is a more dominant partner that is more pro-active to lead. You resent being the one to influence and educate while he behaves more like a small boy unaware of his naive childishness.

It is unfair to compare friends and your partner. Most of us have very different expectations and treatment to our partner / lover than friends. We don't expect much with friends and often generous with them. With people that we are close, we tend to expect a lot more. Still, its not faulting either of you. Many ladies are needy for the aspects you mentioned. It doesn't mean your guy gets it or will agree with it. Either you are patient enough to guide him or you dump him, giving him ALL the time and space to reflect. i.e. he better wake up and prove to you otherwise by himself. You are frustrated and not getting what you need in the relationship, it is as good as gone, so, let it go. If he reflects for good, then, there is some miracle possible, more likely, its better to part for good and you finding someone that well understand and able to provide the needs you crave for.
 

newproject

Active Member
Hi dear, I am not that young.

First of all, Im not a one-sided person. I am stating the good and bad points about him because I want a fair view and it is in my maturity to be able to state a balanced view instead of just shooting at him and making you all think he is totally a badass.
Secondly, I am not throwing up a fuss because he doesn't give in to everything. We are talking about feelings here and him being selfish has made me doubt his love and the trust that he would be there. It's not just based on one incident. It is over a dozen of incidents that I made the assumption.
Thirdly, I don't expect him to be well off. If I expect, I would have stuck with my ex who is much well off. I chose this current guy because I believe he is sincere. I am a working adult and I don't need him to give me allowance of course but I need him to be generous and care for the well being and to know that women don't expect big gifts but the thoughts and smallest actions matter, but he doesn't seem to know what is the meaning of giving in a relationship - the fact that I am also always willing to give in a relationship and not a brat who expects people to provide for me and I do nothing.

By the way, I rated the above because I want an overview of his contribution in a relationship so to determine if this rs is worth it...
I just wonder, is this a selfish behaviour normal for a young boy who just starts out in a relationship or what.

23 is not young? You say he is young boy don't tell me you that much older ???
 

infinity0

New Member
hmm.. i may not be in the best state to comment, but somehow I also feel this way with my bf.. it could be that we girls have too high expectations on a boyfriend? (blame korean drama?) I dont think your bf is a selfish person; Im guessing he's a more direct person and he is not used to or he do not know how to care for another person. Sometimes I wonder if its the upbringing on our generation. I see a lot of mothers asking their daughters to do household chores, contribute to the household, but treat the sons like a king. And the sons grow up not knowing how to treat their lady.
 

Staypositive

Active Member
hmm.. i may not be in the best state to comment, but somehow I also feel this way with my bf.. it could be that we girls have too high expectations on a boyfriend? (blame korean drama?) I dont think your bf is a selfish person; Im guessing he's a more direct person and he is not used to or he do not know how to care for another person. Sometimes I wonder if its the upbringing on our generation. I see a lot of mothers asking their daughters to do household chores, contribute to the household, but treat the sons like a king. And the sons grow up not knowing how to treat their lady.


Guess it attributes to our Chinese culture where guys are given more emphasis and favored more.but having said that,not all guys are like that.character plays a huge part too.
 

kytheon

Member
Different people, different expectations. Most important thing is, you choose one. As long as never sign on dotted line, everything also can discuss. But once you choose, dont regret.
 

denise80

Active Member
So I have been with my boyfriend (he's in his 20s and 1 year older than me) for 3 years and he is studying in University now. He has been more frugal about money after he ORD as he has to rely on his limited savings earned from various adhoc jobs during his school vacation.

Yesterday, I was upset about him on something and he attempted to meet me for lunch and asked what did I want to eat so he could buy me lunch. I didn't request for expensive food, just sushi and bun which cost 5 bucks. Then he got back with the food and I ate it happily thinking how he did it because of me and how generous he is towards his gf (afterall in general, guys in rs tend to provide and care for the well being of their gfs if they really love them).

Then after I finished my lunch, he turned my world upside down by saying 'transfer 5 bucks to my bank later'. Yes at this moment, I was speechless and walked away. Till now, I didn't want to talk to him. My point as woman is, yeah you can say the bf is frugal blabla. But I also can defend saying isn't it part of a guy's affection to provide and care for his gf, what's more a 5 bucks?! He provided the meal and he was so STINGY enough that he would chase after me for the 5 bucks. Hello, you offered to buy your gf a meal cos you want to cheer her up after making her upset and then now you came to tell her you want her to pay the 5 bucks you have LOST???!!!!! THAT'S RIDICULOUS! If he is already so STINGY over such a small amount, how to expect him to be the PROVIDER for the family in future!!!

A man has 3 distinct attributes that attract women: provide, protect and profess, besides loving the woman. Yes I know he cannot be provider for everything and as working adult I would also share his burden like if we are paying for flat in future. But he still should be the provider as a man for 60-70% of the time in future! Yes while I fork out to help and think of ways to spice up the family well being, those extra 10-20% are the treats/little surprises along the way to help improve the relatio ship. He is and will never be closer than that! The way he shows it it seems money is more important than caring for the well being of the gf and making the other feel cared for and loved in a rs! The smallest actions and thoughts like these matter a lot as we women care more of these in rs and he didn't even seize the opportunity! What did he take me for! It's like, while I was eating the lunch he bought all the while, he was thinking, 'later i must rmb to ask her transfer the money' instead of seeing how happy I ate the lunch and feeling loved by his SELFLESS ACTION. And then bam! My thought about him shattered. WHAT KIND OF BOYFRIEND HAS HE CLAIMED TO BE!

FYI, though we have been quarrelling over these years, we also have been loving for most of the time. Loving as in, he always greets me morning and night in happy manner and share with me many stuffs and ask about me during the day and committed to call me if we arent meeting that day. We always have a good laugh on matters and have jokes and cute moments that only we would find it funny on each other and others won't understand. He loves me BUT now I'm starting to think I'm like a convenience tool for him and his love is SHALLOW. Like you love someone but love is not just about being in love! It's about maintenance, being there for the partner, tactful in terms of the rs well being and putting in efforts to sow the seeds!

At first when he dated me, he even did those gentlemen stuffs, now he chase after a penny, and refused to help me small things (from my record I only requested less than 10 helps in entire 3 years because I knew he wouldn't help!!! He would whine about how difficult he is to help me e.g only 1 time carrying heavy backsack because my shoulder is pain and he gave me a look of disgust, help me find an empty CD from Daiso and he said he wld only go there if it's on the way, help me log in game play for a while only cos I was working and very stressed up that day to play and it's during his sch holiday where he basically sits at home when not working but he kept saying 'don't want'). Hello, every time he asked me to help him print stuffs from office, do this and that I also readily did for him (think I so free ah print for him while I was working?!). And then you see for such small requests that I asked previously, I always expected a 'But...' from him!!! That is why I seldom request him cos I know he would never want to help his gf whereas for other boyfriends who love their gfs are very happy to do!!!


Nowadays I really have conflicting mind and I am not sure if he even loves me anymore when he
1) Is stingy and care more about the money than well being of the gf

2) I thought if guys love their gfs and if they learn that their gfs are in need of help, their nature would push them to help because it CONCERNS THEIR GF and as a attestment to his loving character but so far he's never been any sincere! Plus I know there's a saying that I need to communicate directly so he knows and that's what I've been doing but those are the poor responses I got!!!

3) He's been caring more for himself than others. And therefore I never trusted him to be for me even when I need him! He would always be thinking of his own convenience first but never ever go out of way for the other half! He stays rooted to his sleeping pattern and have a tight control of his money but having a life and having some you love but you wouldn't go out of way for her at times? What does it show if you can weather sun together but not storm!?!

During the initial phase he would attempt to make his firm stand even when I express my upset feelings and then in our third year somehow he learns to step in and apologise after he knows I'm hurt. He would say that he would not repeat the mistakes. But this is endless! Like for this recent case, he didn't even show any signs of sincerity! Don't say he went to get food for me until so touching when the end was a big fat disappointment. When we go out together, I don't even ask him to pay, we go dutch.

I'm seriously disappointed that I have been dating this so-called best friend of mine for 3 years and what he showed was lack of sincerity and care towards his gf despite being committed and us having hearty and open chats a lot like best friends. It's not that I am expecting him to pay every time but wheres the small actions at the right time especially when the other half is feeling down because of him?! Is that how he should be treating his gf if he loves her?!!

I'm not sure these incidents are related to his dwindling love or not related. He's not a romantic person and he's not the one you can really discuss your experience or deep feelings with. He's the kind of boy who is happy go lucky and doesn't have any deep or sad emotions and he doesn't really think much on erm generally speaking thise heartfelt stuffs (you know what I mean). I was quite skeptical when I decided to accept him because he is the above mentioned and it would take time for him to nurture his feelings. It proved correctly all this while. He says he is with me for the long term as he has been looking for a long term partner and I am his first and only one. We also have been discussing and referring to our future flat and kids.

Hi, there are things I agree and disagree with ur points of view and some other views I thought I could share here:

1. I can fully empathise with how U feel because $5 is really a small amount and it therefore made him seem calculative and stingy like he doesn't care much for u.

2. From all good and not-so-good things u have shared about ur bf, I feel he's not the stingy type. How do I arrive st this deduction? He has give u his time, effort & love, remembering special occasions etc. A person who is not stingy about his love for u cannot be calculative with u over money. Y then the $5 request? U have already shared that he has limited savings. He must be really tight in his finances and this situation could be worse than what he has shared with u but due to ego, he could only 'joke' with u in hope u get the idea and be more understanding. He couldn't bring himself to tell u directly that he may have to cut down his expenses on u. Unfortunately, u didn't get him.

3. This what women pay 40% while men pay 60% part, I fully disagree. Who came up with this rule and expectation? Right now u r still young. It's normal to want to feel a sense of security by having ur guy to pay more but once u r in a marriage where u truly love ur spouse, it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is whether ur guy is a person who is keen to improve himself and whether he is a dependable and responsible person and these encompass many other aspects of him as a person rather than just $. By enforcing an expectation of 40-60 financial expenditure, erm u actually come across as calculative to some extent too.

4. Other minor problems that u mentioned are probably mindless acts of his due to taking u for granted over time. Who doesn't take another loved one for granted over time? It's not a heinous crime so gentle reminders will do and from what I see, he's still sincere about improving himself.

5. I'm not sure if u r comparing him with other men in ur heart but if u do, I can only say two things: it is normal to compare. However, do think about his good too. Another man may be generous with his $ but not his heart, time and effort.

In short, try to look beyond these minor flaws if his and embrace them if u still love him. Regarding finances, it will be good to have a heart to heart talk with him to find out his situation and if both of u r serious, u can discuss ur future career and financial plans. :)

Just my two cents worth
 

jiakliaobee

New Member
In all honesty, you should leave him and find someone who fits your definition of caring or loving. You need someone who can provide for you the way you want to be provided for be it 5 bucks or 50million dollars...

There is no right or wrong, he will have his own reasons why he wanted the five bucks back and you have yours to counter him. A relationship is an exchange of needs, so to put it bluntly, why haven't you left?
 

life_is

Active Member
Men get punished here for being selfless. I got burnt so badly that I think he is doing the right thing.

Don't expect men to give more than women. They lose money during NS, and are not paid more than women. Given the high divorce rates here, men should take measures to protect themselves, as the law will always be on women's side. Until that changes I would not encourage men to be too giving. So the fact that he is giving time and attention to you is enough. Same for marriage. Men give what they can financially and put the other half first. 5 dollars may be a lot of money to him now, as he may want to save up for a flat. At least a flat can't divorce a man or break up with him.
 

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