Sex life

Kimmykari

New Member
Hi everyone, new here and also my first ever posting a thread :)
Sorry I'm not a good storyteller, try my best to write this as clear as possible. I have a problem that I need to let out but I'm too shy to tell it to friends...

I've been with bf for almost 3 years and going to marry next year. Our relationship is good that I can see my future with him but 1 thing has been bugging me is our sex life. The first 1.5 years we are together, we did it 3-4 times a week (honeymoon period haha) then decreased to once a week when he started to work until we pretty much stop since early October 2013.

Before I had my first sex (with him, we were both virgins), I know that my sex drive is quite high. I pleasure myself almost everyday and more than once per day when I need and time allows. I always imagined that my sex life would be very exciting, I'm very open to any ideas. But unfortunately, he isn't. We had many quarrels over this, perhaps whenever I suggested something I sounded demanding and also hurt his ego and pride. I know it was my fault not to be able to communicate it nicely.

Once when we were in heated argument (started because I initiated to have sex and he didn't want) he said had zero interest in me sexually. That sentence hurts me like thunder strikes me. I'm no supermodel nor have washboard abs and bubble but but I'm pretty confident in my physical look, hearing that I'm not sexually attractive from my bf was.. well you know how shitty it is.

So after that argument, I reflected on myself reading books how to be a better woman also how to understand men better. Our relationship has improved but our sex life is still nada. I tried not to ask him to have sex every time (I stay over at his place every weekends) I sleep with him but once a while I try but always rejected. Every rejections hurt me emotionally. I can't help to wonder whether am I that unattractive but his actions when it's not about sex shows that he really loves me. I offer him to blow jobs and he's not obligated to continue, I just want to kick start our sex life again, he would say "Hmm next week" or "Tired" or "Don't feel like", and if I pout when I hear that he isn't happy/annoyed.

I'm so stuck with this now, I don't know how to make him wants to have sex again and forgets all the 'trauma'. I tried to rub his penis, chest etc. but he didn't really let me cos he's very ticklish. I was thinking to buy sexy lingerie to arouse him but the situation isn't really conducive for me to do that and if he still rejects me after that I don't think my confidence can take another 'humiliation'.

If there's any advices that I can perhaps follow, please throw :)

Just a note, he does have a demanding and stressful job. I know this affects sex drive but I think that this shouldn't be main reason, cos work is always stressful and many guys with even more tiring and stressful job can still have great sex life…

Thank you for reading my essay haha.
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
Your drive is indeed very high several times a day. WOW!

Sexual compatibility is a very real part in every relationship. Your guy is quite an exception, most would want more and on for it as long as their partners want it. You can improve it but there is a need to be realistic on how much sex can you really get. You probably will still need to supplement with your DIY to match your cravings or find other avenues.

Do you guys talk about your fantasies? I feel on the whole, in asia, many are still keeping quiet and avoiding the topic of sexuality. They do sex act a lot more than really talking about it, how can one get to understand each other needs when you do not feedback about it?

About initiating sex, how are you approaching it? Check out namewee tokok episode 14. I think most guys will nose bleed when they partners do that.
 
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ashburns77

New Member
Hi Kimmykari,

From a perspective of a guy, "new/curious" is fresh.......... If one overdo it, it will be stressful for a guy (we need to recuperate).

I used to have a gf like you.... We can do it everyday and anywhere if the mood arises.
However, one day, she initiated and I rejected completely............ I was mentally and physically tired.........

I regretted my act as this affected our sexual relationship.

So does relationship need love making? If two are together for a long period of time, the passionate love will eventually become companion love.
But guy is still guy...... we need it and so does our SO.

Try spending time out of Singapore.......
Try seduce him by wearing revealing (can be at home or going out) but never make the first move.....
Try using new ways to seduce him......

Never forget guys are visual animals.........

Cheers...........
 

buenos.dias.589

New Member
Hi Kimmy, dont try to do anything. You will not have a perfect night if ur partner is doing it in stress state. Give him space, but let him long for your body. Then he will ask for it!

Sent from my ISW13HT using Tapatalk
 
no sex before marriage lei............. we tgether 3 years oso no sex...we rather keep it after marriage.................my relationship oso going well :)
 
y now generation all so open............. dun u know sex is for after marriage?... tsktsktsk............ i glad i m not like u
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
y now generation all so open............. dun u know sex is for after marriage?... tsktsktsk............ i glad i m not like u

Tsk tsk tsk.... since when is your relationship a yardstick for others?

There are lots of marriages ending with divorces as well with sexual problems. Wife and myself were virgins before marriage too. It doesn't give you a right to condemn others like this.
 
is he on any medication? they say some medications may affect sexual drive too...
or face any condition like erectile dysfunc or premature ejaculation... may affect his drive?
 

alyooop

Member
Ya but sadly most woman r like tat now;(
Who are sexually active? It's the 21st century, it's normal, I guess. Personally it's not for me but it's not an inherently wrong thing if the couple are consenting and taking protection if they don't want kids now. It's a personally choice taken by those 2 people, and I think whether their religion is a part of that choice should be up to them and not us "outside people" to judge.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
why is it a sad thing? Beliefs, principles, faith are what we uphold and conduct ourselves by. NOT impose it onto others. What make one more righteous than another to condemn another morals?

Consensual sex between the couple is no business of anyone else. In most things, there are always more than a single perspective to it. There are clearly pros and cons of it. Practice what we believe, it is best applied to ourselves not others. We cannot and have no right to control others.
 

Veryprecious

New Member
i in the same rut as you i think
my boyfriend and i also met in sch n like first few years we did a lot, we couldn't get our hands off each other. Army also and Uni also.
But then recently start to dwindle down very gfast

I mean he would be like erected whenever we just cuddle or hug, or sometimes in the car, but that is the extent of it. Like, he won't do anything except fondle me. It makes me feel very very unwanted but then i ask him abt it n he wasn't happy, say he is very stressed with work that's it. i even offered to give him oral n he doesn't need to return anything in favour but he will just push me away, say he feeling unclean, haven't shower, later later later. then he say because he hasn't exercised in a while so no energy no mood. like his buddies will show him pics of hot gals cos they are single n i feel very uncomfortable especially with this lack of intimacy in our life. plus he got this client this year very pretty they quite close but not in contact anymore except like Facebook lar n i feel disgusted at myself when i compare myself. so i exercise lor. try to control my weight gain from the medication by exercising. sometimes we fight, n he say i no self-discipline, cannot sleep n wake up on time, n also lose weight also not successful. but like he keep telling me he don't think i m fat he just very worried abt my health problems n want to help me make sure i reach at a healthy weight (he is very into the medical field). i so desperate i even go tcm, expressions, buy diet pills. i think is me.

also i donno if he is self helping every night instead cos he is that kind of guy one time n tts it even though last time when young he could do more times. he still very sweet to me, we r still very happy together everyday, plus like he will still tell me i m pretty when i ask him, n everything like normal happy us, just nothing in the bedroom except fondling my chest.
like i want him, i got high drive, but he just doesn't want it. i will touch him but he will usually put my hand away. only started like that this year.

i donno like he is uninterested in me leh. i gained weight because i on medication, but like i still buy lingerie, nice bra but he like not interested. i even self-help when he's around but he just turn to look at his computer instead. le sigh.
 
i in the same rut as you i think
my boyfriend and i also met in sch n like first few years we did a lot, we couldn't get our hands off each other. Army also and Uni also.
But then recently start to dwindle down very gfast

I mean he would be like erected whenever we just cuddle or hug, or sometimes in the car, but that is the extent of it. Like, he won't do anything except fondle me. It makes me feel very very unwanted but then i ask him abt it n he wasn't happy, say he is very stressed with work that's it. i even offered to give him oral n he doesn't need to return anything in favour but he will just push me away, say he feeling unclean, haven't shower, later later later. then he say because he hasn't exercised in a while so no energy no mood. like his buddies will show him pics of hot gals cos they are single n i feel very uncomfortable especially with this lack of intimacy in our life. plus he got this client this year very pretty they quite close but not in contact anymore except like Facebook lar n i feel disgusted at myself when i compare myself. so i exercise lor. try to control my weight gain from the medication by exercising. sometimes we fight, n he say i no self-discipline, cannot sleep n wake up on time, n also lose weight also not successful. but like he keep telling me he don't think i m fat he just very worried abt my health problems n want to help me make sure i reach at a healthy weight (he is very into the medical field). i so desperate i even go tcm, expressions, buy diet pills. i think is me.

also i donno if he is self helping every night instead cos he is that kind of guy one time n tts it even though last time when young he could do more times. he still very sweet to me, we r still very happy together everyday, plus like he will still tell me i m pretty when i ask him, n everything like normal happy us, just nothing in the bedroom except fondling my chest.
like i want him, i got high drive, but he just doesn't want it. i will touch him but he will usually put my hand away. only started like that this year.

i donno like he is uninterested in me leh. i gained weight because i on medication, but like i still buy lingerie, nice bra but he like not interested. i even self-help when he's around but he just turn to look at his computer instead. le sigh.

maybe you can try getting him to a doctor/therapist that may help to improve the relationship?
 

icemafia

New Member
From a guy perspective..... Ok for me personally.... If I am not attracted to you physically then I am not that into you. Sorry to burst the bubble but I dare say its true for most guys.
Guys being guys.....he is defintely getting from somewhere.....unless your bf is anomaly
 
I think if the relationship itself no problems..eg there's still that loving feeling..then just let it be and don't rush it. I'm a guy.married since 2008. and sex life frequency is..quarterly if lucky and if we're not that tired at the end of the day. haha.. in short, just enjoy having significant other around. sex will come naturally when it's time. thats my opinion. cheers everyone!
 

cristan

New Member
My case is totally opposite from kimmykari.. Actually as what she mentioned, first few honeymoon period when i started staying over fiance hse every weekend at least once.. But i dont know since when, i became very disgusted whenever he keep asking me for it. My mind keep on thinking that my fiance only have sex in his mind and nth else which makes me even more uneasy..
 

buddhabar

Active Member
My case is totally opposite from kimmykari.. Actually as what she mentioned, first few honeymoon period when i started staying over fiance hse every weekend at least once.. But i dont know since when, i became very disgusted whenever he keep asking me for it. My mind keep on thinking that my fiance only have sex in his mind and nth else which makes me even more uneasy..

When he stop asking, you will probably even more uneasy....;)
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
My case is totally opposite from kimmykari.. Actually as what she mentioned, first few honeymoon period when i started staying over fiance hse every weekend at least once.. But i dont know since when, i became very disgusted whenever he keep asking me for it. My mind keep on thinking that my fiance only have sex in his mind and nth else which makes me even more uneasy..

He is very normal. So, you find men disgusting in general.
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
Not really disgusting but rather feel stress.. Cos in his mind whenevr it comes to night time he will ask for it.

What is it that you're stressed about particularly? I don't want to simply assume but is this related to you having a different level of drive compared to him? Or maybe you're concerned about your "performance"? Or you just want to rest at night but knows he's still gonna ask for it but don't know how to turn him down? Or something else?
 

cristan

New Member
What is it that you're stressed about particularly? I don't want to simply assume but is this related to you having a different level of drive compared to him? Or maybe you're concerned about your "performance"? Or you just want to rest at night but knows he's still gonna ask for it but don't know how to turn him down? Or something else?
I dunno is it stress or what.. I am confirm that i am havin a different level or drive compared to him. And also i just want to rest at night as i tend to get tired very easily at night and he will ask for it but i also turn him down.. But this is always the case where it triggers the quarrel...
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
I dunno is it stress or what.. I am confirm that i am havin a different level or drive compared to him. And also i just want to rest at night as i tend to get tired very easily at night and he will ask for it but i also turn him down.. But this is always the case where it triggers the quarrel...

Perhaps it may work better for both of you to have a frank talk with each other about this issue when it isn't nightfall yet. That way, both your minds are still clear - yours from the fatigue of the day and his from the expectation of having sex. Try to come to an understanding and mutual agreement on the issue that it may not keep leading to future quarrels and strains in your relationship with each other. I'm not an advocate for sex before marriage but neither am I here to judge you either. In as much as there being possible sex problems within marriage itself, there can also potentially be the issue of "lack of emotional security" in the context of sex outside of marriage. Outside of the bonds of marriage, many couples are often plagued with the "emotional threats" of wanting to please the other party sexually to keep the relationship going so much so that it can often lead to stress and dissatisfaction. This can also happen within marriage itself but it eliminates the frailty of a relationship that is not solidly founded upon. The thrills of sex before marriage can also easily fizzle out once the knot is tied, leading some to question if sex is their partners' sole or primary aim in the relationship, which doesn't spell a good start for any marriage. Ultimately, the decision to continue to have sex before marriage or not is a call that you and your fiancé have to make but please do bear in mind the things that I've mentioned above and work things out with your fiancé. Any issues you both have now, be it sexual or not, can potentially be carried forward into your marriage if not dealt with now and may even potentially breed further problems later into the marriage. If you can't iron things out now while you're still engaged, you can't expect things to get ironed out either even when you change your status to "married"...
 

cristan

New Member
Perhaps it may work better for both of you to have a frank talk with each other about this issue when it isn't nightfall yet. That way, both your minds are still clear - yours from the fatigue of the day and his from the expectation of having sex. Try to come to an understanding and mutual agreement on the issue that it may not keep leading to future quarrels and strains in your relationship with each other. I'm not an advocate for sex before marriage but neither am I here to judge you either. In as much as there being possible sex problems within marriage itself, there can also potentially be the issue of "lack of emotional security" in the context of sex outside of marriage. Outside of the bonds of marriage, many couples are often plagued with the "emotional threats" of wanting to please the other party sexually to keep the relationship going so much so that it can often lead to stress and dissatisfaction. This can also happen within marriage itself but it eliminates the frailty of a relationship that is not solidly founded upon. The thrills of sex before marriage can also easily fizzle out once the knot is tied, leading some to question if sex is their partners' sole or primary aim in the relationship, which doesn't spell a good start for any marriage. Ultimately, the decision to continue to have sex before marriage or not is a call that you and your fiancé have to make but please do bear in mind the things that I've mentioned above and work things out with your fiancé. Any issues you both have now, be it sexual or not, can potentially be carried forward into your marriage if not dealt with now and may even potentially breed further problems later into the marriage. If you can't iron things out now while you're still engaged, you can't expect things to get ironed out either even when you change your status to "married"...
Actually we do talk it out before.. And now we have agreed to the extend whereby he can try to not have sex before marriage..after marriage it seems like i cannot reject him..
I think partly becos he wants it then i dont want.. Slowly down the road it became stressful until i din realise it..
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
Actually we do talk it out before.. And now we have agreed to the extend whereby he can try to not have sex before marriage..after marriage it seems like i cannot reject him..
I think partly becos he wants it then i dont want.. Slowly down the road it became stressful until i din realise it..

Correct me if I'm wrong but your reply gives me the impression that your fiancé is agreeable to not having sex before marriage but feels that once both of you are married, he's "entitled" to sex and you are then "obliged" to comply. If my impression is right, this is potentially very dangerous territory that you're both treading into. It will only give your fiancé the false impression that once married, he has every right to demand sex from you and that you must obey his every sexual advance and request. While marriage provides a safe avenue for a couple to explore and enjoy each other's sexuality, it is by no means an excuse to demand sex from the other party who may be unwilling at that time due to various reasons such as fatigue, illness, menstruation, etc. Sex within marriage is only truly enjoyable when both parties are willing - only then will both of you "relax" and "let loose" to truly take delight in this physical union rather than be stressed or distracted. Both of you may want to talk it out more to sort out this matter properly as well as understand each other's needs and wants, or else you will both risk entering into marriage with the wrong expectations...
 

cristan

New Member
Correct me if I'm wrong but your reply gives me the impression that your fiancé is agreeable to not having sex before marriage but feels that once both of you are married, he's "entitled" to sex and you are then "obliged" to comply. If my impression is right, this is potentially very dangerous territory that you're both treading into. It will only give your fiancé the false impression that once married, he has every right to demand sex from you and that you must obey his every sexual advance and request. While marriage provides a safe avenue for a couple to explore and enjoy each other's sexuality, it is by no means an excuse to demand sex from the other party who may be unwilling at that time due to various reasons such as fatigue, illness, menstruation, etc. Sex within marriage is only truly enjoyable when both parties are willing - only then will both of you "relax" and "let loose" to truly take delight in this physical union rather than be stressed or distracted. Both of you may want to talk it out more to sort out this matter properly as well as understand each other's needs and wants, or else you will both risk entering into marriage with the wrong expectations...
I understand what u means but he alrd mentioned that he is agreeable to me saying no for now but he still pin some hope sometimes.. However if after marriage, he hope that at least once a week (which he do mentioned is normal). Partly becos of his high sex drive?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
I dunno since when i dont enjoy anymore...
That should be the issue you guys need to work on. Sex has to be fun and enjoyable for both of you. Else, it is a chore and doing it out of obligation. Of course, you will not be motivated.

Do you self explore? This is not really just about sex drive. It is not just about penetration sex, intimacy is part of healthy relationship. Talk and discover together how both of you like to be pleasured and NOT PRESSURED to provide pleasure.
 

cristan

New Member
That should be the issue you guys need to work on. Sex has to be fun and enjoyable for both of you. Else, it is a chore and doing it out of obligation. Of course, you will not be motivated.

Do you self explore? This is not really just about sex drive. It is not just about penetration sex, intimacy is part of healthy relationship. Talk and discover together how both of you like to be pleasured and NOT PRESSURED to provide pleasure.
I dunno i find it hard to talk abt this. He knew im tired from one whole day of work and dinner with friends yet he still wants to request. I dont know why. I just feel so pressurized
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
I understand what u means but he alrd mentioned that he is agreeable to me saying no for now but he still pin some hope sometimes.. However if after marriage, he hope that at least once a week (which he do mentioned is normal). Partly becos of his high sex drive?

Hmm, once a week for newlyweds wouldn't fall into the "high sex drive" category.. In fact, for any couple (even those who have been married for quite a while) with a healthy sexual relationship, sex can take place up to 2-3 times a week and maybe even more.. In your other posts, you mentioned that you don't know why you don't enjoy sex anymore and how you feel pressurized. I'm going to take a guess here so I can be wrong. You used to enjoy sex because back when you started, it is still something new and exciting to you. Once the novelty wears out, you begin to feel like it's more of a chore, hence the pressure. Do you guys always have sex at night only? I get this impression coz you mentioned several times how you would feel tired from work etc. Sex doesn't always need to happen at night. Find a mutual time where you can both feel relaxed and not tired e.g. weekend or even weekday morning before you start your day. Spice things up by considering different positions and take time to explore one another rather than jumping straight into penetration itself so you can both know each other's preferences and pleasure spots. Sex should not always be seen as a routine - if it is, it will be hard to truly enjoy it..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
I dunno i find it hard to talk abt this. He knew im tired from one whole day of work and dinner with friends yet he still wants to request. I dont know why. I just feel so pressurized

You guys are a married couple and you cannot talk about your issues? The communication is not very good here.
Focus on the intimacy than just the intercourse, yes, you are tired, wouldn't a nice relaxing massage be great? Could you encourage him to pamper you into the mood more naturally than pressurized into sex?
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
You guys are a married couple and you cannot talk about your issues? The communication is not very good here.
Focus on the intimacy than just the intercourse, yes, you are tired, wouldn't a nice relaxing massage be great? Could you encourage him to pamper you into the mood more naturally than pressurized into sex?

They're currently engaged but still not married yet.. Not sure if they're staying together or if they're staying apart, and if it's the latter, how often they spend the night together..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
They're currently engaged but still not married yet.. Not sure if they're staying together or if they're staying apart, and if it's the latter, how often they spend the night together..
Actually, it wasn't too clear for me as she mentioned "Actually we do talk it out before.. And now we have agreed to the extend whereby he can try to not have sex before marriage..after marriage it seems like i cannot reject him.."

If they are not married and have agreed no sex before marriage, then, why is he asking for sex?
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
Actually, it wasn't too clear for me as she mentioned "Actually we do talk it out before.. And now we have agreed to the extend whereby he can try to not have sex before marriage..after marriage it seems like i cannot reject him.."

If they are not married and have agreed no sex before marriage, then, why is he asking for sex?

I think she meant that initially he was asking for sex but they have now reached a consensus for no sex before marriage. However, she's still concerned on how to deal with the issue once they get married as it would seem that she will no longer have any form of excuse if she wants to reject his sexual advances then and this is what is stressing her out..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Why does she need an excuse instead of trying to work out the issue ? She doesn't enjoy sex with him and they need to find out why. What kind of marriage to begin with one wanting and needing sex while the other is stressed with giving excuses rather than trying to have an healthy sexual relationship with her soon to be husband. Not very logical if she is to look at things as it is. Why get married with someone with such a situation? It is an extremely bad way to start a marriage.
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
Why does she need an excuse instead of trying to work out the issue ? She doesn't enjoy sex with him and they need to find out why. What kind of marriage to begin with one wanting and needing sex while the other is stressed with giving excuses rather than trying to have an healthy sexual relationship with her soon to be husband. Not very logical if she is to look at things as it is. Why get married with someone with such a situation? It is an extremely bad way to start a marriage.

Yes, they really need to talk things through.. @cristan , how are things now? Have you had a chance to consider everyone's input here and/or talk things out with your fiance?
 

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