Y is it so hard to please everyone?

N

ngfifi

New Member
This is going to be a long post so i hope forumers can bear with me

I guess some of you might remember me because quite sometime back i posted online when i actually rented out my car to someone but somehow that idiot do not wish to give me back my car, neither does she willing to pay for the damage that she cost to my car

Having said that, having a car is really a very very huge financial commitment for both my husband and myself. It was never my idea to buy a car in d 1st plc. It was suppose that my husband co-share the car with his frz whom sd that it's a good time to buy a car back then and it's very easy to rent out the car and could even not have to fork out a single cents for all the instalment and insurance etc if the car is successfully loan out

My naive husband believe and i only knew that he bought a car when they drove down to show me the car on the day of collection

A lot of things happened in between of coz

Sometime last yr, we found someone whom is willing to take over our car. We decided that since we can't substain the car loan, it could be a gd idea but it turns out to be a nightmare

The buyer firstly requested us to remain as the rightful owner as he sd he couldn't afford to pay for the transfer fee and we agreed. He promised to make mthly payment to the bank n renew the insurance n rd tax when it's due. Things goes quite smoothly initially but sometime in end may, the bank calls us n informed that the "buyer" default 3 mths payment n of coz, my husband was called up by the bank coz legal docs still bearing his name

We decided to drop by d "buyer" hse to look for him after many calls made seem to reach him. Only did we realise this buyer had long shifted out of this premises couple of yrs bk but he did nt update his particulars in his IC

We were reali desperate bk then but to cut story short, we make police report and managed to locate bk the car but it was in a very bad shape

My husband blamed me for letting the "buyer" to take over the car when its a mutual agreement between us. I had to go around borrowing $ to pay off the bank loan, to repair the car damages etc etc

Husband had nvr done anything during this period. I was the 1 gg ard asking for legal advice and so on so forth

Im nt saying im being great here coz as husband n wife, we have to stick thru thick n thin but im kinda of tired when sub-consciously, my husband will keep mentioning its my fault for wat happened when we quarrelled

Nw that the car is bk, my family requested to loan the car for wkend usage which my husband obliged once b4 but nt twice. I told him sd we cldnt have make it today if it wasnt my family help in lending us the $

Hubby had nvr like my family due to various reasons but i juz dun seem to understand y he can b so ungrateful when its was my family who help me during this difficult period n his family knew nuts abt wat happened coz hubby chose to keep mum

Is it reali so difficult to loan the car to my family when we r nt even using n its nt as thou my family wont top up the petrol?

Im physically n mentally tired

Feel like divorcing but everytime my stand is nt strong enuff

P/S: Hubby had affair couple of times b4 but i forgiven him. Y cant he forgive me when its nt totally my fault for having someone who is nt trustworthy to take over the car
 


U hv so many issues in 1 post tat I dunno where to start. Mebbe it shld be tis.

SELL THE CAR!! Haven't u learnt ur 1st lesson? Why did u keep the car under your name for some stranger?? Of coz u're liable should anything go wrong. Losses are inevitable when it was a bad decision in the 1st place to get a car on ur tight finances. I repeat. SELL THE DAMN CAR!!

As for ur relationship wif ur hb, I dun think it is juz the car issue. It sounds a bit similar to my ex-hb actually. He blamed me for some bad decisions I made on his behalf while he was overseas. So my best solution was to make him part of the decision-making process. Tis way, he has to take partial blame too if anything went wrong.

As for his affairs, if u hv decided to forgive him for them, NEVER BRING THEM UP AGAIN. If it still eats into u after a long time, give up the marriage. Frankly, 1 affair is bad enough but a few? In any case, it is still totally ridiculous to compare tis wif a car purchase.
 
it is not about pleasing everyone.

Your husband isn't mature enough to handle crisis, so he chooses to adopt the childish and easy way out, to blame you.

Unless he realizes his issues and grow up, you will have to continue suffering this kind of nonsense.

Sell the car and rethink over the whole marriage and relationship.
 
Yes, you should just sell off the car. I find some guys die die want to keep the car though they can't afford it for the sake of "Face" (show off to friends).
 
Pardon me, i forgot to mention the reasons y we r stuck wif the car

We have checked wif the bank, our full settlement figure nw sits at $50K and market rate for my car is approx $35K. Which means i nid to top up approx $15K to sell of my car

I dun ve the means to come up wif $15K nw n i dun even wan to loan frm bank coz $15K is quite a huge amt plus my annual income does nt allow us to qualify for the loan application

Also, laundry_woes

I repeat, getting a car in the 1st plc was nvr my agreement. I disagreed strongly but my hubby went ahead. I only knew abt the car existance when he drove to mit me after he collect the car

I din wan to bring his affair up since i decided to carry on this marriage n my purpose of mentioning here is coz he cant forgive me when its a mutual decision we made together
 
it is illegal to rent out ur car to other pple i tink....ya, selling away the car now sure to lose $$...

just a suggestion, dunno works or not...maybe u can approach car rental co, c whether they can take ur car bor...

btw, who is paying the car loan now?
 
Hi ah siao

It's illegal to rent our car to rental coy too so we r stuck no matter wat

It's nt the car issue here tat im mad but rather i felt tat y he shld be so calculative as to nt loan the car to my family when he doesnt use it

Oso, im damn angry when he always sub-consciously blame me for wat had happened n to apologise thereafter which it hurts

He is paying the loan but im paying for the car insurance n season parking for him
 
u sure its illegal?.if really so, ya u r stuck w the car....

hmm..not sure y he hates ur family so much...maybe they did something b4 n he still cant forget about it?..n also, loan the car to ur family, does ur family give rental?..maybe its like a free ride, so he wont give as he already dun like ur family liao
 
Ya, if u do read abt some reports lately abt owner leasing out their car to rental coy

He dislike only 1 of my bro coz of his complicated personal life n oso my hse is small so he always complain no seats for him when we goes hm for dinner

My bro dun give rental but they top up the petrol. He is nt losing on anything

Sometimes i felt he got stupid n childish mentality

I shld ve hint our best frz advice bk then to let him tink of a solution rather than me coming up wif 1 coz he will nvr learn if i keep shielding him each n everytime something major happens
 
well the general feeling is he doesnt like ur family as a whole..so even if ur bro (dunno if the one he dislike) willing to top up petrol, he also wont lend the car....

u may think he's immature..but human is like tat...he already got bad impression of ur family, hard to change his mindset
 
I agree that he might ve this mindset but he ve to understand that it was my family who loan us the sum of $ to pay bk the bank for the backlog car instalment and oso the huge repair cost to the car damages

Y cant he understand im in a difficult position to reject my family

He told me, if i give 50 cents, dun expect a dollar frm me

A master once told my hubby, u r kind-hearted. He interpreted that the master wanted him to be bad hearted which is nt lor. Wat d master is trying to sd is b4 u help someone or do someone a favor, tink if its sometink that u can do

He can pls his frz but nvr me n my family or my frz. He cant expect me to live a life like him, anything happen oso try to resolve by oneself or worst case, nt hapi go find a gal to f*** then come bk n beg spouse to help
 
Jen.

divorce your husband and everything ends there...

if u want, suggest u date him as bfren and gfen after a few months. else go for a divorce...

the kind of arguments and issues here are becos u guys are financially poor and mentally immature.

do some growing up first... the problems will still be there, dun worry... they won't go away.
 
Nope, my family dun own part of the car but they juz nid to loan it for 1/2 days coz there have some activities on

Yes, i do agree we r financially poor but im nt reali mentally immature; at the very least i dun run awy frm problem when it hits me n i kw wats is the rite n wrong things that i shld n shld nt do

if u tink im acting immaturely, pls enlighten me so that i can do sum soul searching b4 i reprimanded my other half coz i always lose when i argue wif him n he always sd dun start a fight when i kw i wont win in the arguement
 
u dun c the pt here...if ur family loan him to pay his car installment n assuming the loan is not paid back to ur family, the car is effectively owned by ur family too...u should make him realise tat..cos ur family can anytime ask for the loan back
 
i have difficulty understanding wat is "sd".

dun u find it tiring to know u're Not Wrong, yet u can lose petty arguments? dun u find it frustrating to constantly be bogged down by such issues which could have been solved much much much earlier if solutions weren't taken so simplistic without a full assessment of the actual liabilities, and viability of each solution?

dun u think u missed the crux of the matter to actually be focusing on an argument abt your family's use of the car? isn't that a very Myopic view considering the extent of problems and future problems u have?

u're in a big hole and u're complaining abt the cramped space in the hole when instead, u should be climing Out of the hole...

your Effort may be fantastic, but it's applied to the wrong place... dun u think?

what's there to reprimand your other half??? does he even Listen to u? even when u try to reason abt the family using car thing... isit so hard to realise u're talking to the wall?

all this talk abt Master tell him or this and that... u tell us for wat?? take sides? agree with u?

u may not run away from problems, but your problems will not run away from u either...

i would get the freakin 15k and just sell the bloody car. it's easier to deal with debt than a whole lot of stuff u're dealing with...
 
In the first place I wonder why you would even think of selling car without transfer of ownership - utter stupidity and naive. And look what you got into - back loan to repay and car repair..

Your most important thing is to get rid of the car or to rent it out. Yes, you can rent it out - there is a scheme for private rental.

If you still don't want to rent out the car or sell it then if your family want to use - pay a small rental + petrol charges.
 
Hi sm

Nope, nt that i nid u guys to take side on me but i juz cant seem to see/understand certain actions that my hubby had undertake

Reasons for telling wat the master told my hubby was coz i felt tat he is taking it wrongly

Yes, u r rite. Im talking to a wall which does nt listen n only my words was repel bk to me

I reali tried to loan $15K but seriously, if u were my relative, wld u consider loaning me such a huge amt. Like i sd, my salary does nt mit $30K/annum, its hard to take personal loan frm bank

I tried to get hubby to loan frm his elder bro whom is capable to loan us the $ but his chose to keep mum for fear of getting scolded upside dwn

I do kw tat LTA allows owner to loan out car on wkend but he refused. Reasons: once bitten twice shy
 
Jen, from what you have shared so far, I believe you have to leave this man before you can restore some order or good sense to your own life. I remember you once shared that he wanted you to abort your baby because you two could not afford to have a baby or he wasn't ready for a new addition to the family. This plus a few extramarital affairs and all the financial boo-boos, seriously, why bother talking sense to him?
 
husband betrays u a few times... makes stupid decisions and dumps the liabilities for u to solve... doesn't fcukin give a damn abt what u say... dun give u any form of respect... including your family... still doesn't realise any faults of his own...

here u are talking abt every other side issue other than the main one...

"but im nt reali mentally immature"...

u know when we're in a car accident and we're more worried abt whether anyone is Injured... and then this driver who isn't involved in the accident but stuck behind u comes out of his car scolds u for holding up traffic cos he has a dinner appointment?
 
why bother to please everyone. i don know the way to success but the way failure is to please everyone. -bill cosby.

saw this in some mrt poster..quite meaningful.
2cents
 
Hi everyone

Thx for ur kind advice. I guess im dan mad at him but no matter wat, we had taken the vow that we will go thru thick n thin together

Its juz that im kinda tired of gg thru alone

Like wat yawn saw on the posted, the way to failure is to please everyone which is so true

Maybe i shld be the 1 getting hard hearted nw
 
the cycle continues...

in such case better to treat him like a little boy, carry on to clear the mess he makes and hopefully he matures and grows up in another 5-7yrs... give him time. in the meantime u get to be a mother/father rolled into one...

i left out wife cos i think he will seek other women to fulfill the wife/gfren role. and since u will forgive him, u won't need to fulfill that role...
 
Jen.....through the whole thread everyone already given you clear cut replies....be it direct or indirect. Ultimately its up to you to accept it or pretend you don't understand.

Your life is yours to walk.....be a bitch for once or remain a lifetime fool.
happy.gif
 
I do understand everyone advice n im nt acting to be ignorant

Its juz that b4 i take a major decision on wat to do next, i nid sometime to analyse the consequences
 
i dun think he becomes "an immature and irresponsible spoilt brat".
that's what he was to begin with.

She just never let him grow out of it. As one age, pride becomes a even bigger issue.
 
Milo,
That's possible.

Jen,
Anyone with a spouse who can't manage his finance properly, will be under tremendous stress. I see how much my mum suffered with my gambler dad until her heart became dead. After 20 years, my dad becomes worse instead of better. He doesn't realise his mistake and only knows how to blame us for not siding with him. In front of relatives and friends, my dad acts pityful and complains how we treat him.

Siding with him = Give him $$ to sponsor gambling & debts? LOL
 
Hi Jen,
In your case I believe you are very in love with your husband and the danger part is you love your husband more than you love your own self.
I am sure people here advise freely as they see a clearer picture without the emotion burden. While you hold on as tight as it is so precious to you but you never give him a chance to learn. Let him be the man that he is supposed to be.

It is very tiring to live a life with someone like him and the choice is yours the journey ahead is long and you will have to learn to continue loving him and forgiving him for the rest of your life.
Good luck
 
I think you should jus leave this man once and for all..he does not deserve your love. Petty, calculative and worst of all, his affairs prove that he is not a good husband.

Make him regret and suffer for his actions
 
Hi all

Wat gal sd is correct. I guess i love him more than myself

Had ever asked for divorce but end up my PIL n my family r hurt coz older generation always felt that things can be talked out

I dun kw if im selfish coz i only tink of negative part of hubby n nt his positive part. Sometimes im juz selfish...

He can be very caring n loving but i guess, im juz phobia abt him coz of all the past incidents

Anyway, thx for all of u hearing me out. I feel so much better n tend to see things better too

I reali hope to find a gd chance to talk to him again n hope things changes for the better coz i wont wan to resort to "D" which will nt only hurts both of us but pple ard us too
 
if u wanna stick with him then make sure it's just Your decision... dun attribute it to everyone around u becos they are not u and they dun know the extent of things.

do it becos of yourself... cos if u do it becos of others, u will never blame yourself. u will always attribute the fault to others and u will never improve. stop lying to yourself that u are doing for others, for him etc... If u wanna live for Others - then u are Not entitled to have feelings... it's Simple as that. u are not allowed to feel unhappy nor shortchanged. in any case, since u dun care abt yourself... why do u wanna care abt your feelings?

i suppose that the older generation Clap Happilly for u if they see u unhappy for Life but married?

that's crap. i'm sori but i hear u lying to yourself after each episode it's not even funny anymore... this is a vicious cycle of denial and it cannot be more apparent than your last post.
 
u dun love him more than u love urself. u just don't have the guts to face the failure of ur relationship.
 
I find people especially girls - they would like to compare how much we love our the other half and vice versa

Love is not something that you say, I love you more than you love me.

Love is not a simple equation that you can balance on both sides
 
Jen
Maybe u can try this way. Sell off your car if your car is slightly more than a one and half year old. then negotiate with the bank for the repayment in instalment plan. I believe u can clear off this outstanding loan within a few years. Give it a try. $15K maybe too big sum for u but can be cleared off within 3yrs.
 
Hi powder

I can understand the reason behind ur gd intention coz sumtime i reali deserve a gd scolding in order to wake up my idea

Yes, i admit im afraid to face up to a failed marriage

I tried to negotiate wif DBS but they refused to let us pay off by instalment

If they allowed, ive no problem paying them in 3 yrs instalment but DBS r so stucky unlike OCBC or Maybank which allows their client to do so

DBS "threaten" that they reserve the rite to proceed with legal actions against us if we sold off the car but dun repay them in 1 lump sum
 
Jen,

if you love him, then do what is good for him. Like how a teacher or parent muz learn to let go and allow the child to grow.

Your sheltering and pampering is no difference from parents that spoilt their kids. They will only realize their mistakes when the problems start hitting back at them. e.g. child did some grevious crimes.
 
Jen,

u're not as smart and enlightened as u think u might be... u can have all the reasons, all the explanations, all the rebuttals, all the answers...

but remember, pple take one look at your life, and they'll know tat the reasons, the explanations, the rebuttals, the answers... are all... meaningless, cos none of them are translated to happiness nor fulfilment.

in fact looking at the unhappiness, the resentment, and a host of other powerful negative feelings, u'll realise tat as time goes by... nobody actually gives a sh!t abt what u say anymore.

nobody listens to a failure... only failures hug in groups and feel good abt themselves. they can admit their failure, But their action of staying shows tat their admission is worthless and has no value... the Realization of things Only happens when pple effect Changes.

mere words are no more than patronizing...

If 15k can end your problems and u're desperate enough, u can make that money in 2-3months. it's whether u give importance to the problem. 90% of us are capable of making 10k in 1 month... but prob only 1% believe they can do it just like that. 6 out of 9 believe u need education... these are morons. they will spend 10-20yrs just to reach 10k a month salary... and think they're very smart.

in the meantime, they will give all sorts of reasons why they not making 10k yet... from their education to their degree to their HR to their boss.

let me tell u something that no teachers will ever teach u... "It Does Not Fcuking Matter what the reasons are... u either Can, or u Cannot... the best reasons in the world aren't gonna solve your fcuking problems... Either u say u cannot, or u solve the fcuking problem... There is no such thing as u Can, but the fcuking problems remains stagnant."

u are defined by your Happiness, not by your problems and how pathetic u are.

The only thing that came out of this thread for u is - 1. more pple get to hear abt your story, 2. u feel better temporarily. That;s all u're gonna get and happy to get. That was your whole darn objective... u're not interested in action, only words.

nothing's gonna change - becos u Dun. who the hell ever taught u that by doing nothing and just giving good reasons, that somehow u'll overcome problems....
 
If u cannot afford to lose... If u Dun want to lose... U can only win.

only thing u're trying to win now are the reasoning... not your life.
 
in the newspaper this year, sumone was also unable to pay the monthly car fees and sent it to a car rental shop for them to help him rent it out. in the end the car rental shop inform him that his car was 'missing' and could nt be traced back. his car was probably sold and disected into parts and sold off. in the end the owner still had to pay for the monthly car fees, even though his car was lost
 
i tink in your case, your still considered fortunate to have it recovered. best option is to sell it away rather than to be dragged furthur with these. your hubby has to be blamed, knowing that he cannot afford he shud'nt hav bought it. if it was me, i would have walked out. if you're without child, i suggest that you go taking up some courses and find a better paying job to support yourself .
 
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