Would you? please advise
- Thread starter amihappy
- Start date
inspectorate
New Member
Hi Kristy,
Nowadays, it is so common for people to fall into debt. You need to ask yourself the following questions...
Why is this person in debt? Due to gambling? How much is he earning per month? What makes you so sure that he will be debt ridden for life? Are you prepared or willing to help him? Why would you consider marrying this person in the first place?
These are important questions to help determine if you should be with this person
Nowadays, it is so common for people to fall into debt. You need to ask yourself the following questions...
Why is this person in debt? Due to gambling? How much is he earning per month? What makes you so sure that he will be debt ridden for life? Are you prepared or willing to help him? Why would you consider marrying this person in the first place?
These are important questions to help determine if you should be with this person
being with the person is fine... marriage isn't. but then again that depends on your outlook and the many factors surrounding the debt...
there are pple who get into debt and there are pple who will forever be in debt... which is he? there are good debts, and there are bad debts... there are debts due to failed biz, there are debts dued to failed character... there are credit card debts, there are car loan debts, there are stock debts, there are study debts... which is he?
100k isn't alot if u're earning 20k a month, 100k is alot if u're earning 2k a month... again it's relative. some pple can raise 100k in 1 day, some can't even raise 10k in a week... which is he?
end of the day, u really need to be well-informed on the reasons, the ability etc... in the meantime, just date and dun think abt marriage.
there are pple who get into debt and there are pple who will forever be in debt... which is he? there are good debts, and there are bad debts... there are debts due to failed biz, there are debts dued to failed character... there are credit card debts, there are car loan debts, there are stock debts, there are study debts... which is he?
100k isn't alot if u're earning 20k a month, 100k is alot if u're earning 2k a month... again it's relative. some pple can raise 100k in 1 day, some can't even raise 10k in a week... which is he?
end of the day, u really need to be well-informed on the reasons, the ability etc... in the meantime, just date and dun think abt marriage.
hi all, it's gambling in soccer in younger days resulted in so much debts. The debts will take 30 years to clear on the rate of monthly instalment now. sigh..dun earn much just 2k plus per mth. He has to pay diligently per mth for 30 years, no interest. I will not help him as he should be responsible for his action. he said he will pay the debt himself but who knows, one day he may ask me to help him.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
DON'T marry.
few factors now come into play...
Present
his gambling habit - ceased? or curbed?
his lifestyle - modest? flamboyant? pubbing?
his career path - laid back? ambitious? brightly optimistic?
his family support - strong? none and likely to result in further financial instability?
his frens - motivated bunch? lazy bums? pc games bunch?
Future
his ability to afford a wedding, buy a 4rm flat + reno and service the loans.
his eligibility for credit facilities for major loans for housing/car/etc
his ability to support his own family
his ability to raise a new family, have insurance/education money in place
his ability to ride out the next few cycles of recession, hold onto jobs and not sulk at a corner.
his family's ability (including siblings) to support and finance aged parents in sickness and old age.
these are some major points that u might like to consider SINCE u're thinking of marriage and stuff. like i said, i encourage dating, but not marriage... But if like most, u're into it for the marriage... then think twice.
the problem with what i'm telling u now is... Now that u know, u cannot feign ignorance and throw caution to the wind... u cannot say nobody told u.
personally in his shoes, i wouldn't even date... it's down to personal responsibility, rather than whether i have the right to love freely or not. i would feel i have no farking right to date until i get my finances in order... why would i wanna date and be compelled to spend more money on dates, gifts, occasions and all the romantic hooha? unless u are super understanding and dun need these things at all... Remember - Dun Need and Dun Hope For are 2 different things. it's hard to not wish for them... most will say they want a simple life blah blah... but how many can be unaffected by comparisons? Now that is the Key.
not all relationships are bound for marriage... and not all marriage are bound for a lifetime...
not all poor are bound for poverty... and not all rich are bound for a lifetime of wealth...
Character is the most significant factor.
Present
his gambling habit - ceased? or curbed?
his lifestyle - modest? flamboyant? pubbing?
his career path - laid back? ambitious? brightly optimistic?
his family support - strong? none and likely to result in further financial instability?
his frens - motivated bunch? lazy bums? pc games bunch?
Future
his ability to afford a wedding, buy a 4rm flat + reno and service the loans.
his eligibility for credit facilities for major loans for housing/car/etc
his ability to support his own family
his ability to raise a new family, have insurance/education money in place
his ability to ride out the next few cycles of recession, hold onto jobs and not sulk at a corner.
his family's ability (including siblings) to support and finance aged parents in sickness and old age.
these are some major points that u might like to consider SINCE u're thinking of marriage and stuff. like i said, i encourage dating, but not marriage... But if like most, u're into it for the marriage... then think twice.
the problem with what i'm telling u now is... Now that u know, u cannot feign ignorance and throw caution to the wind... u cannot say nobody told u.
personally in his shoes, i wouldn't even date... it's down to personal responsibility, rather than whether i have the right to love freely or not. i would feel i have no farking right to date until i get my finances in order... why would i wanna date and be compelled to spend more money on dates, gifts, occasions and all the romantic hooha? unless u are super understanding and dun need these things at all... Remember - Dun Need and Dun Hope For are 2 different things. it's hard to not wish for them... most will say they want a simple life blah blah... but how many can be unaffected by comparisons? Now that is the Key.
not all relationships are bound for marriage... and not all marriage are bound for a lifetime...
not all poor are bound for poverty... and not all rich are bound for a lifetime of wealth...
Character is the most significant factor.
littlekiddy
New Member
NO To His PROPOSED!!!
Debt is a bottomless sea. Thomas was right "end up paying for him if u marry him".
Remember short pleasure often brings long repentance.
Debt is a bottomless sea. Thomas was right "end up paying for him if u marry him".
Remember short pleasure often brings long repentance.
stone_lover
New Member
Powder> I agree with the many points that you have brought up.
Thomas> I agree with you too.
Kristy> Let me share my experience with you. I have been in a relationship for more than 8yrs. After abt 6mths into our relationship, he started having financial difficulties due to failure in biz. I started helping him as I believed that a couple should overcome difficulties together. I was 24 then, and I was still in university. He was more then 15 yrs older then me, and finding a job at his age is not easy.
We struggled very hard.. and since then, I have been struggling and struggling.. Life is very very tough. Even when I graduated, earning 2k plus, things still get tougher... reality is really very harsh. Only over the years when I got better salary, our life improved.. BUT, we quarreled a lot. When you have no money, conflicts arise.. it's hard to avoid.. and such quarrels can really be damaging.. I feel that I've changed, no more the cheerful gal I used to be.. always bothered with finance matters...
On top of it, my parents disliked him because they knew abt his financial situation. A lot of sourness there...hurts me and affects my relationship with them as well as with him.
And we are so occupied with debts that time just flies and before we realized it, 8yrs passed. On the optimistic side, we are planning to get married next year.. I think if there is love in our relationship, we should not give up easily.
Do think about what kind of life you want to live, and if you are prepared to go through hardships with him. Do weigh your priorities carefully.
Thomas> I agree with you too.
Kristy> Let me share my experience with you. I have been in a relationship for more than 8yrs. After abt 6mths into our relationship, he started having financial difficulties due to failure in biz. I started helping him as I believed that a couple should overcome difficulties together. I was 24 then, and I was still in university. He was more then 15 yrs older then me, and finding a job at his age is not easy.
We struggled very hard.. and since then, I have been struggling and struggling.. Life is very very tough. Even when I graduated, earning 2k plus, things still get tougher... reality is really very harsh. Only over the years when I got better salary, our life improved.. BUT, we quarreled a lot. When you have no money, conflicts arise.. it's hard to avoid.. and such quarrels can really be damaging.. I feel that I've changed, no more the cheerful gal I used to be.. always bothered with finance matters...
On top of it, my parents disliked him because they knew abt his financial situation. A lot of sourness there...hurts me and affects my relationship with them as well as with him.
And we are so occupied with debts that time just flies and before we realized it, 8yrs passed. On the optimistic side, we are planning to get married next year.. I think if there is love in our relationship, we should not give up easily.
Do think about what kind of life you want to live, and if you are prepared to go through hardships with him. Do weigh your priorities carefully.
tomasulu
Member
one of life's unpleasant truths is that there are consequences to bad decisions. in this case, it means he can't afford to marry and/or have a family. at least not in the foreseeable future. for you to even consider marriage at this juncture tells me you are similarly irresponsible. marry him at your own peril, consequences bite hard.
he should file for bankruptcy.
he should file for bankruptcy.
the_giving_tree
New Member
Debt from business failure is understandable but debt from gambling is never a good sign. I would not have a gambler for a spouse.
ordinaryworld
New Member
if you love him, marry him!
dont bother abt the debt as it will take care of itself
dont bother abt the debt as it will take care of itself
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Ordinary World sounds desperate.
Reminded me of how I stood by my wife when she keep running into credit card debts (more than $20K each time). I keep telling myself, after this time she'll change. Then when she found a younger man to shower her with romance, she start to complain I no saving, no plans in life, no holidays, etc...
Now I'm divorced with no house, no car and 2 kids to look after.
Now I'm divorced with no house, no car and 2 kids to look after.
It is indeed a hard decision to make. I am assuming you are very much in love and feel he is a worthwhile guy except for his debt status.
When I was a single girl, I was very rational. This kind of scenario only holds one answer for me - don't be crazy, leave the guy. Only when I fell in love, then I realised love is indeed irrational. Life would be a lot simpler if we operate on rational mode but the true fact of life is that we do not. Especially not when in love.
So, no one here can tell you what's right or wrong. You'd have to decide for yourself and think through all angles. Blame no one else whatever the outcome which could be many:
1) He's worth your time, stay by him as he is repenting each day and is a totally changed man. He is very caring towards you and there's no reasons to doubt his love except for his debt status. Solve problems together.
2) He's worth your time now. But he will change and go back to his old ways a few years later. He will ask you for money to help settle his debts. He's sometimes not that into you. Other times, he's caring to the max.
3) He's not so worth your time. Besides this debt, there are other irritating habits you cannot stand. You aren't sure. Live is always filled with uncertainty and petty quarrels.
4) He's not at all worth your time. You thought he changed but he never did. It was just a wishful thought and he's more in debt than he can ever be.
The above are just but some possible scenarios. But whatever it turns out to be, it is important that you go on to whatever decision with the fullest knowledge of the possibilities.
For myself, I thought I found a totally stable, honest, reliable man. He looks and acts totally trustworthy. Only after we started dating, then he got himself into debts through stocks and shares trading. I was devastated not because of the debts, but the fact that he lied. Not just once or twice. He lied about happenings whenever I suspected something was wrong. In a relationship, I thought honesty held the highest priority for me.
I was totally devastated and did not know what to do. We were already planning our marriage. I considered all the possibilities and reminded myself that this will forever be a black mark in our lives. I told myself I still had a choice then. A choice to walk away.
But my choice? I chose to marry him. We have been married for three years now. He's very frugal (he was a frugal person from the beginning) but never stingy towards me. It was and is still a huge gamble for me to marry someone heavily in debt and with whom I'd not have a financially stable life with. But whatever it is, we have had this three years and still counting. If I had given up, I would not only not have this three years but also not the chance to experience having a good husband which he has been to me.
But this is just my personal sharing. There isn't a right or wrong to me to date. Life is still long for us with so many years ahead to face. If things were to go wrong one day, I can only pray that I will not hate and become bitter. But at the very least, I am very sure I cannot claim to have been ignorant. I walked into this relationship with my eyes wide open.
When I was a single girl, I was very rational. This kind of scenario only holds one answer for me - don't be crazy, leave the guy. Only when I fell in love, then I realised love is indeed irrational. Life would be a lot simpler if we operate on rational mode but the true fact of life is that we do not. Especially not when in love.
So, no one here can tell you what's right or wrong. You'd have to decide for yourself and think through all angles. Blame no one else whatever the outcome which could be many:
1) He's worth your time, stay by him as he is repenting each day and is a totally changed man. He is very caring towards you and there's no reasons to doubt his love except for his debt status. Solve problems together.
2) He's worth your time now. But he will change and go back to his old ways a few years later. He will ask you for money to help settle his debts. He's sometimes not that into you. Other times, he's caring to the max.
3) He's not so worth your time. Besides this debt, there are other irritating habits you cannot stand. You aren't sure. Live is always filled with uncertainty and petty quarrels.
4) He's not at all worth your time. You thought he changed but he never did. It was just a wishful thought and he's more in debt than he can ever be.
The above are just but some possible scenarios. But whatever it turns out to be, it is important that you go on to whatever decision with the fullest knowledge of the possibilities.
For myself, I thought I found a totally stable, honest, reliable man. He looks and acts totally trustworthy. Only after we started dating, then he got himself into debts through stocks and shares trading. I was devastated not because of the debts, but the fact that he lied. Not just once or twice. He lied about happenings whenever I suspected something was wrong. In a relationship, I thought honesty held the highest priority for me.
I was totally devastated and did not know what to do. We were already planning our marriage. I considered all the possibilities and reminded myself that this will forever be a black mark in our lives. I told myself I still had a choice then. A choice to walk away.
But my choice? I chose to marry him. We have been married for three years now. He's very frugal (he was a frugal person from the beginning) but never stingy towards me. It was and is still a huge gamble for me to marry someone heavily in debt and with whom I'd not have a financially stable life with. But whatever it is, we have had this three years and still counting. If I had given up, I would not only not have this three years but also not the chance to experience having a good husband which he has been to me.
But this is just my personal sharing. There isn't a right or wrong to me to date. Life is still long for us with so many years ahead to face. If things were to go wrong one day, I can only pray that I will not hate and become bitter. But at the very least, I am very sure I cannot claim to have been ignorant. I walked into this relationship with my eyes wide open.