Why am i in so much pain???

A

adelyee

Member
Hey guys..

i've been hanging around to read all stories. I feel upset whenever 'husbands' betrayed their wives. and of course vice versa.
well... it's my turn finally... finally...aft 5 years of marriage..

My husband wants to leave me and my two beautiful kiddo for anor woman. citing reasons tt he's happier and more comfortable with her w/o any responsibilities... He said tt he still has feelings for me.. but he is simply unhappy with me.

I struggled within... dun even know if i should pack or stay.. I begged him literally to come back to me... and to give tis marriage anor shot.. but he's unwilling to. Saying tt if he were to want to give this marriage anor shot.. he'll have to stop seeing her(which he can't).And tt he's hanging ard only for the kids..

for the first time, i actually felt soooooo much pain... loads and tonnes of pain.. so much so tt i feel like ending my life... (no, i wun do tt..) am just describing the pain tt i have within.. i asked myself.. wad does it take for a man whom used to love u so much to just change overnight? but apparently, things just happen...

i don't know how to move on... i really don't know how to. I'm moving rd in circles and circles... knowing tt he's out with her every night.. and bk home late..
guys... and ladies.. pls tell me how do u guys get over such stuff and move on with life? its really really painful... gawd...
 


Hi Adrienne, sad to hear ur story. but did u ask him why is he so unhappy with u? there's a reason behind everything. so if u dun solve the root of the problem, definitely his heart will be towards the other woman who gave him excitement, love feeling once again and everything wonderful in the whole wide world for now.

However, decision still lies with u if u wish to continue this relationship or not. for a person who already have a changed of heart and literally showing movements that he cant wait to leave u, u muz consider if he's still worth ur effort. not gonna be easy to move on. but if u have decided to do so, perhaps u wanna get a divorce. u might be able to sue him for committing adultery. this point i'm not too sure. can wait for other forummers to guide u on this.

however, do stay strong for ur kids. fight for ur rights for urself and ur kids as well.
 
blissful- i wanna change for him... i wanna go back to the days when we had so much fun and love... but he ain't willing to do tt.. asking me how to?

i will not sue him for adultary coz he'll not agree to the terms.. it ain't an easy path.. i just feel weak tt things have come to tis stage.. and tt.. i do not know how to move on... no.1 kiddo is always raving abt him and etc... i really do not know wad to do... giving the kids an imcomplete family...
 
adelyee, i can feel wat u r going thru. but if he's not willing to give another shot and try to save this marriage, then i guess no matter wat u do is redundant.

if that's the case, u will need calm down and start planning wat to do next. For eg: to engage a lawyer and seek his advice on this whole matter. no doubt it'll be an agony to go thru. but u need to fight for ur kids if u still want them by ur side.
 
i really want to know how to move on.. i just keep staring at the computer not knowing wad to do in my life next...

how? how did some of u.. get out of divorces and recover miraculously?
 
"i really want to know how to move on.. i just keep staring at the computer not knowing wad to do in my life next...

how? how did some of u.. get out of divorces and recover miraculously?"


That was a question i asked myself quite sometime back. Well the answers:

1) Expand your social circle
2) Exercise to feel good
3) pick up hobbies or travel , pursue activities that u give up due to marriage
4) Share and have an open mind which work like a parachute
5) Stay healthy
6) Enjoy singlehood.
happy.gif


the list can go on and on...
mant have travel this route. its painful but can be done.
happy.gif


take care
 
Stop staring at the computer and get connected to your friends again. The computer is a powerful communication tool but its a total waste of time to stare blankly at it. Same with your mobile or any other tools.

Find back yourself. your interests, hobbies etc.
 
Staring at your computer is OK lah.. just watch all the online TV serial..

But you got to balance it with some outdoor.. go out.. feel the air.
 
Totally lost,

During my separation period, I focused on my work, make more friends and pick up hobbies/do things which I didn't do in the past. I begin to enjoy the freedom that comes with being single and not feel so cooped up.

Before I left home 3 years back, I used to feel really horrible staying under the same roof with him and knowing about the sms exchanges, lies that he is telling me when he claims that he is going on business trips etc. In a way I felt relieved that I do not have to face all this when I left 3 years ago, neither do I have to be so upset each time I find out more lies. In a way, I guess I was running away and not wanting to face it. By and by, it doesn't bother me so much as I have slowly gotten used to life without him.

It is difficult at the beginning. But time will heal all wounds. When you have recovered by and by, you will be amazed by how strong you can be.
 
I am trying to move on n I've a decent circle of friends. But nothing seems to mk me happy anymore. I just miss him terribly much coz wherever we go, it just reminds me so much of him.. N the times tt we've spent together.
 
Totally lost,

This is normal at the initial stage. When it comes to weekends/public holidays (especially if both of you have always been spending time together), you will feel the pain even more. But by and by when you start to lead your new life with activities/friends around you, the extent of the pain will fade gradually.
 
your husband is basically being attracted with the sense of freedom and being 'single' again... the lure of a bachelor life can be Very Strong... the chances of turning back is there, but it's not likely if he's with someone now. Sadly, it's a whole lot more attractive at different points of life... some guys look at their married life - wife, kids, bills, and time commitment... and they freak out. thus seeking an alternate life, and Finding it liao. (i'm not here to argue the legitimacy of this feeling, so i hope the feminists dun take this as a springboard to jump in with the 'why men' laments)

where do u stand? actually u are now like a wallpaper on the pc screen... or a screensaver. u're just there in one aspect, only when he switches on and use his pc... but he wouldn't want u appearing everywhere, nor further partaking in his newfound life...

Accept that. is there anything else u can do? suing for adultery is something i hear pple shouting but then again, sue what? money? it's not admissible unless the girl is underaged or he marries her... else the law is not designed to seek vengeance for marital problems. so u can ignore that advice...

it is very painful now simply becos the wound is fresh... it is the law of nature, whether physical or mental... the fresher it is, the more painful it is... there's shock, there's pain, soon there will be anger... learn to deal with it as u enter each phase.

but i guess what's most important, is what are u gonna do in the meantime... DISTRACTION seems the wrong word, yet it is the right approach... to seek a distraction. u can't Expect to have an immediate recovery, u can't expect to Not feel pain... there's no GA for this... only Distractions.

all i can offer u... is the knowledge that u are not alone in this affliction... i hope u find the pockets of strength to get u thru, and to always make the best decisions along the way without emotional impediment.
 
"there's no GA for this."

Think some people wish that they drift into a coma and wake up not remembering a single thing.....
 
im so sorry to hear that. i feel very sad to learn how much pain u have to bear. what i can say is, just pray to god for the strength. of coz u wil feel lost, but i guess yr life does not just evolve only him. how bout yr parents? share with them and so they could offer their shoulder for you to cry on.. attend prayers at churches, doll up yourself, and make it an aim to focus on yr work. work hard, work for a promotion, get better salary, go for trips, try to relax and enjoy life without him. i sincerely wish that you could get over it, and hopefully you will meet your soulmate.
 
Well, no one is not afraid of pain. But fortunately, pain can be managed or lessened by not spending more time brooding. That's why we need some forms of distraction to divert our attention to.
 
agreed with doll.. no one is not afraid of pain. and if possible, definitely everyone would like to avoid the pain.

but reality is cruel. since the situation is as such,adelyee.. juz focus on ur kids. Plan out with ur lawyer on the possibility of u getting the right to continue to raise them up. then after that, u can divert ur focus to other things. such as family memebers, job, friends and hobbies. it's easier to get urself distracted from thinking back when u engage urself in more activities.
 
I think before rushing to see a lawyer, compose yourself and come to terms with reality first -- This may take some time. Next, sit your spouse down and discuss matters relating to the separation or divorce. See if you can settle on the maintenance of your children (from what you have posted, I believe he would not be fighting for the care and control of the children).

Be strong.
 
i overlooked that u stil hv 2 kids. i guess thats the most precious things u ever hv, not yr husband. if he is not willing to patch up, pls move on. u stil hv yr kids with u. focus on them, guide the, teach them, be there for them..and feel rewarded as a mother of yr 2 beautiful kids. im sure yr future with them will look fresh and promising. yr hubby is childish to leave u and yr kids for another woman. in time to come, i guess he will probably regret, because he lost a wife and 2 of his biological kids.
 
Powder- I am not seeking to look at divorce under grounds of adultary. I do nt see a pt in doing tis at all. Would much prefer to go for a separation first. But, is tt all I can do? Basically, nthting I do or say will mk him come bk? I'm honestly hoping tt there'll be a u turn. But it seems impossible...

But bearing tt in mind, I wan to learn to move on.. But the harder I try, the more difficult it gets. I'm nt asking for sympathy or anything. Is there any way of easing tis pain?? Argrg
 
Doll- he doesn't want kids anyway. All he wants is access to them. N he is doing tis becoz he wants to please his parents. N also to minimize emotional damages to the kids. Tts wad he said.

Bt I do nt understand his rationale by saying tt he needs to go out to find out wad does he want in his life... N only agreeable to separation coz I can't stand seeing him out every night to be with her. It's like asking me to wait it out while he has his fun. It's really unbelievable..
 
Dawnson- easier said than done. It's been a nightmare everyday sending kids to school. N he will keep saying tt he has gt daddy n mummy all the time!
 
Time is the cure... we can't expect our feelings/emotions of the heart to heal overnight.. The more we try hard on one thing, the more it brings us back to the past... try to accept it and live with the memories... you will learn hw to let go eventually.
 
adelyee: if u wanna make a u turn but ur husband doesn't want to, there's no way u can force him to it. perhaps wat u can do is to tok to him one last time if he wish to work things out and give each other another chance for the kids. else, u can start discussing with him about seperation.

this will be very tough and u will find it hard to even tok about it. but if u dun wish to carry on suffering in silence when he kept going to meet the other woman, it'll be best if u end it
 
Adel, no one can make you wait around for him unless you want it yourself. You can do your own things and live your life during separation.
 
if the bird doesn't want to be caged, then just open the cage door.

if he's already come out and say he wants to leave, then just negotiate all the terms amicably, and file for separation.

why don't you go for a short holiday with your kids, or move out for the time being?

life is too short to engage in tug of war with his heart. even if you want to save the marriage, does he? what's the sound of one hand clapping anyway?
 
Doll n confused.. - a part of me says I shld let it go. Whereas the other part of me still wants him bk. I'll be very honest abt it. Being together for six years doing things together n etc is just nt easy.. To let it go. The rational part of me tells me to stop bloody dwelling on it. But.. My heart is ruling my head!!

Working on the terms n conditions of separation is easy bt to really go thru it? I've talked to him if we can work things out bt all he said is to give him time n let him live his life.. I cAn wait if I want... Doesn't help when he says things will nt work out btw them. But he's nt willing to give up. With tt much of confusion, I just couldn't pick myself up from tis mess...
 
scientists say the pain experienced from loss of love is identical to the pain experienced from grieving the death of a loved one. except that the pain is likely higher, because death itself is a resolution. whereas a sudden loss of love leaves many questions unanswered.

i don't think it's possible to control emotions like heartaches and anger. but it's possible to stay with it, do nothing, and wait until it passes. like puffs of drifting clouds, when it clears, the real you lies behind - blue sky. every other sensation felt, seen, experienced in the presence of these emotions are clouded.

don't focus too much on your heavy hurt feelings, it will make you feel worse and worse. calm down. don't panic. cool off. take a break and go for a short holiday with your kids first. you need the break. so give yourself a break.

how much further can he possibly distant from you since he's already seeing another woman? right now your heart is ruling your head, so take a break first. you'll think differently 3 weeks or 3 months from now.

slow and steady win the race.
 
Adrienne :

For the sake of your kids, BE STRONG. Is not easy I know...esp when the one who loves u no longer loves...

Comes what may be..find your right pillar of strength, be it friends, family, spirituality...etc... Dun take it too hard upon youself....

Take care.......
 
hi adel,

i know u weren't, was just killing the talk on suing for adultery... if u feel there's a chance, then there's no harm in giving it time... some pple stay foolish for a period before they wake up. so u dun have to spring into action immediately... perhaps a couple of weeks then a separation First...
 
Adel..I was in the same state as you too about 2 years ago. When I first read your post, I was quite affected because the memories of how it all felt like came back because the scenerio was almost the same. I went thru a whole gamut of emotions..sadness,despair,fear,frustration,anger etc..Couldn't sleep & eat and lost a lot of weight. And even after I'd gather my wits to at least settle the terms of separation, I continued to be depressed and isolated myself from my family and friends for more than half a year. I couldn't accept that my marriage had broken down after 9 years and that I'd lost the love of someone I'd love so dearly. There were numerous times when I broke down in front of my child and cried and yes, I also harboured thoughts of just ending it all.. but one day, I realised I have to simply stop feeling sorry for myself and move on...especially for the sake of my child and I owe it to myself too.

It definitely isn't gonna be easy. It takes time and yes, support from family and friends will help tremendously. Think of your kids too. You have to be there for them. Be strong..u will be able to get over it in time..
 
Hi Adel..

Im so sorry this had to happen to u.. I always feel deeply whenever I read situations like this.. I understand how you should be feeling.. Im so sorry I dont have any advice or suggestions to give u as I myself would break down completely if it were to happen to me.. I just pray that things get better for you and somehow the world becomes a better place to live in.. Please brace up and live on.. Take care dear...
 
Adrienne,

i read from a book that the phases u go through when u wear the willow can be rather similar to a cancer patient:
1. pain and hurt when u first learn the truth, u cry n cry n cry
2. next, there could be anger and denial, where u may ask the why's
3. altho u may have accepted the fact, u may feel hopeless and depressed
4. u die, or u recover

I'm sorry i can't offer very much help, but what i want to say is, u're at least one up on them. Some patients remain very positive and fight real hard throughout, unfortunately they still may not make it. However, u CAN choose to recover, whatever decision u make. Be strong, i wish u well.
 
Affairs - the betrayal

What do you do, when you find out you've been cheated on? Susan Quilliam guides us through the common reactions

You may have felt suspicious for a while, or the news may have come out of the blue. But now it's out in the open. Your man has cheated on you.

There are three stages that follow this awful news - the reaction, the decision, and the recuperation. In part two of this series, we look at the decision - whether you stay, go or make him leave.

In part three we look at the recuperation - how to bring your relationship back on track, after an affair. But, firstly, we will concentrate on your immediate reaction and how to cope.
Shock

'It was like being in a road accident,' one friend said to me, when she found out that her partner was having a fling at the office. And yes, the sheer impact of hearing the news can be physically traumatic.

You will feel emotional - shout, rant, cry. You may well have physical symptoms, like dizziness, weakness or panic attacks. You may even become mysteriously ill or feel depressed.

Physical support is vital. It might be hard, as you may find it embarrassing to admit what has happened. But if there is anyone you can trust to support you, get them to come and help you out.
Denial

You may then find yourself unable to accept what's happened - particularly, if the news of the affair has come to you through a third party.

You may even ignore the issue, convince yourself that it didn't happen, or refuse to challenge your partner. Tessa, 35, simply refused to talk about her husband's confession of his ten year affair. 'Looking back now, I think I thought that, if I ignored it, it would go away'.

Short term, this approach may save your sanity, as facing the awful Truth, all at once, could tip you over the edge. But long term, ignoring the truth won't work. You can't live with the uncertainty.

And your relationship won't survive. So, almost always, it is best to bring things out into the open. If your partner won't talk about it, then do see a counsellor. He or she can help you take whatever action is best.
Sadness

Over and above all the first reactions to news of an affair, you will feel sad. Sad because you've lost the partner and the relationship you thought you had.

So expect to cry, to grieve, to mourn. If you trust friends or relatives, cry with them. If not, then - again - you may want to turn to a counsellor.
Anger

You will almost certainly feel angry that your partner has slept with someone else. And it's likely that the longer the affair has gone on and the deeper the deceit, and the more angry you'll feel. However, you might not feel angry at first, because you may convince yourself that it could completely destroy the relationship.

It could be several months before you allow yourself to feel as furious as you want to. You may channel all your fury at your partner's lover.

It will help to acknowledge that you are angry, and to do all you can to get rid of the angry energy. Women often report of screaming into a cushion, playing daily games of squash, going to the gym, sitting in a parked car with the stereo full blast, so that they can rant and rave to themselves.

But when it comes to screaming at your partner, tempting though it is, it won't actually help, if you continue being angry. A first furious reaction, yes. But continuous warfare will neither help bring you back together nor will it make him any less likely to have another affair. It is best to get rid of the anger, and then calmly talk things through.

Guilt

If you find yourself wondering whether the affair was your fault, you are feeling guilty. You are internalising your anger, rather than directing it at your partner. But guilt is almost always useless - because, there's nothing you can do to change the past.

Also, guilt can end up hurting you, badly. One client of mine ended up and tiptoeing round the house, guiltily, trying to please her husband, as if she had had the affair and not him.

The only constructive thing to do with guilt is, not to regret the past, but to aim for a better future. So ask yourself this question: is there anything you can do that will help?

If your relationship is unhappy, try to channel your guilty energy into finding the cause of the unhappiness, and then tackling the problem. If you do, there is more chance of you both remaining faithful to each other.

Finally, remember that, it is incredibly difficult to receive news of a partner's affair. So your first challenge is to navigate those first terrible days and weeks, and your reactions, without falling to pieces. If you can do that, then things will almost certainly start to improve.

source: http://www.ivillage.co.uk/print/0,9688,172992,00.html
 
The pain you experience is part of life. We all go through this. Be it thr end of marriage or the sudden departure of someone dearest to us.

It brings the level of pain to a new height. But, as long as you allow the healing to take place, the pain will reduce with time. The natural healing process will take time, so expect to feel the pain. The only danger is folks tend to hold on to the feelings and effectively prevents that healing to happen. Some people never did recover despite long periods of time. And they became consumed with the negativity that they bring upon themselves. Mostly, they attribute that to the ex partner.

Its our life, we can take control of it. To move on, its a decision that requires your determination to follow thr it. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Cheers.
 
Hi totallylost,

i'm sorry to hear ur story, i knw how it feel when u lost someone u love dearly. But trust me u'll overcome & recover soon. Like what proscinator said u just need time. Juz do not give up ya & stay strong.

Whenever times get hard, when u dunno how u got wherever u are, let alone how u're going to make it out, out of the pain, out of the heartache, out of the terrible sorrow or situation u find yourself in, remember that God never built a staircase to no where & when u do what u can...He will do wat u can't. Have faith & pray to Him. U'll find a strength. **Hugs**
 
The assumption that time would heal could be dangerous in some situations. One needs the correct attitude towards their crisis to overcome it. Those that continue to victimize themselves will never really get out of their crisis and recovery cannot happen.
 
yep adel, have faith that u will be able to overcome this with the support of family, friends, kids and even the forummers here.
happy.gif
if need be, like wat confused said, juz take a short break to some nearby country and take a breather. calm urself down before taking the next step.

going jogging is a gd to distract u too. despite the rainy weather, do remember that the rain will stop no matter how heavy and long the pouring might be. juz like ur situation, u will definitely feel ur world crushed at this period of time, but soon, the feeling will fade away and be gone with time. brace up for the future of urself and ur kids.
 
Doing something you enjoy doing, eg: you might not be able to jog due to the bad weather but can do other indoor stuffs such as going to the spa, doing some reading etc...
 
Haha.. As much as I want to move on. It can be quite unbelievable TT the other womAn keeps calling me to hang up!!! Wahha.. She has gotten wad she wanted. Why come ruin my peAce...? Wad is the world turning into?
 
an action of showing off? but do u know this woman? else, how do u know it's her? and how would she have ur number?
 
Do u all think tt I'm stupid to wanna wait for him to come bk to me? I've told him tt ive made appt to see lawyer. And he doesn't seem to be too keen abt it. Keeps dragging to discuss the terms and etc.
 
Mm.. She has my no. Coz I've spoken to her before. She told me tt I do not deserve my husband.. And asked me to know how to treat a man well if I've any.. Hahaha... Unbelievable.
 


i guess ur hubby wanna make sure he doesn't lose out in any other way. and for the other woman, y not juz blacklist her? i know there are alot of mobile phone with this function. if she's calling ur house, then maybe u might want to consider to change the number?
 
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