Too early to get married?

"as long as the feelings are true, it will still work out.. as long as both are committed and deeply in love"

i don't agree with that. Most couples get married with true feelings. Those that ended with divorce doesn't necessary mean no commitment or lack of love. Love isn't everything. So, don't pretend that it is. Even if it worked out, it isn't just because of the love. Compatibility, timing, luck, environment, family, character, personality and so many other factors all play a part.
 


getting married young is like aiming for your 1st car before getting your licence and while u're still saving up... u think u'll be happy with just that 1 car and the freedom it brings u...

unfortunately in spore, we ALL typically upgrade becos as we drive our 1st car, we get to know more and more of what we'd want in a car, and we keep saving for it...

youngsters getting married often do not know what's really required to have a lifetime companionship, afterall most of them are living on love, pocket money and almost zero commitments. it requires more than just that listening ear and support, it requires more than just going out together all the time or staying home... u become Part of society, part of a workforce and company and u start building your goals and dreams...

my 1st car was modest 600cc, i went everywhere even KL, and it was THE car... til now i've changed 9-10 cars and looking to another in the next few weeks... so until u Know which is gonna be your Ultimate car, dun go committing yourself to just ONE car.

i ALWAYS suggest at least 5yrs of work experience before deciding to settle down. in this 5yrs u would have met a wide range of Men, foreign and local, across races and Actually know what isit in a Man that u appreciate and would like to have for the rest of your life... Love is like the most common thing - it's like saying u want a car with an engine and 4 wheels. tat's too basic... u need more than this basics... u need to know what kind of interllect, what kind of reaction under pressure, what kind of strength under tragedy, and how supportive in your darkest moments...

u need a guy who Stays not just becos he said "i love u" and married u. u want a guy who stays becos he Wants To, and given the choice he'd make that same choice.

youngsters have very narrow options in life... to put it in a crude manner, in school, a guy prob has less than 10 girls for choice. in his late 20s he's have 30-40 possibilities and STILL counting. girls also would have met eligible men from 25 to 35 from the lowest to the highest positions.
 
y all so negative? its gd to be realistic but nowadays many couple ROM before marriage also but imptly they must be prepared mentally & financially. But sometime its really saddening that u have someone in mind to spend yr life with, then yrs later something bad happen like 3rd party, change of mindset etc(touchwd) then divorce or even split up..
 
it's not being negative...

3rd parties can come in Precisely based on what i wrote abt. not becos the 2 of u super in love and then got this Evil person who can't wait to break u up... Obviously, 1 of the spouse fell in Love AGAIN with someone Else.
 
marriage to most pple nowadays is just a cert, if not happy then divorce.

if there is no such thing as divorce and you will go to jail if you choose to leave your spouse, i doubt people will rush into marriage..

oh yea, long time ago there was such rules... i don't agree with such measures but its disheartening to see people rushing into marriage for no reason.

back to topic, ROM = marriage... it is more real than customary marriage as you are bound together by LAW.

People changed when they start working and carry financial responsibility in their lives.

i suggest to just be engaged first. You can still get your fun of the preparations of your wedding in 2 years by being engaged. You may put your names down in BTO HDB flats which will be ready in 4-5 years time?

my 2 cents
 
people will still get into affairs and remain in meaningless marriages. It doesn't solve anything.

Is divorce really necessarily a bad thing afterall?
 
If negative reinforcement works there will not be any criminals. People still commit crime knowing that when caught, they will spend time behind bars. They commit crimes thinking or hoping that they won't be caught. In the same stroke, people will get married thinking or hoping that they will not divorce and go to jail.
 
Perhaps TS (or any youngsters who are at the same stage as TS) should ask herself why she wants to get marry (ROM) at a young age other than:
"I get to share my life with my significant other, wake up with him every morning, i'll somehow feel that life is more meaningful"
"show their commitment to each other"
"I know that this is the guy I've been waiting for, and my desire to live my life with him"
"I love my bf and both of us feel that we're ready to commit to the r/s and take it to a further level"

Does marriage equals to the next level?
What is the problem with just staying in love?

From the above extracts, it does sound like cohabitation is sufficient...

Perhaps the more correct time to get marry is when the couple is ready for kids?
 
Statistically speaking, at least for those people around me, those couples who got married early are either divorced or survived third party intrusions. The exceptions are my 2 sets of grandparents. They got married even earlier, in their teens. But they really "till death do they part".

All the best to you!
 
i undstd that kind of excitement when u really wish to quickly be attached/bonded legally to yr loved ones, there isnt any gurantee for anything. Even if u find someone whom u might be very similar to in character/thinking/lifestyle it doesnt mean u both will be together forever. But impt thing is to be firm with wat u really wants for yr future and no regrets in future if anything happens.
 
Money is the roooooot cause of EVIL
no money better don't get married first
because trouble will start to brew when both of you are in financial difficulties.
Some gals will find a rich playboy or sugar daddy and what will happen?? DIVORCE
 
yah... money is so evil. The devil that tempts us. Its not our fault, its money.

But wait. isn't that our own greed and weakness to temptations??

The evil is within. You put stack of money to a monkey, u think he bother? He would be more interested in food or to mate.

Human love to shift blame. Its this, that, blah blah blah... but its not really hard to realize its us. We changed. Changes occurs all the time, without maturity and stability, changes will be more dynamic.
 
how can u compare a human to a monkey in the first place?
why not you put stack of money to a human, do u think he will bot be bothered?
 
so, u agree is human not the money right?

There is no comparison. The focus is money being the evil. That's crap. Its all human's greed, temptation, desires. It has nothing to do with money. We can put money to good use and allow it to be a good motivation too. Money is a powerful tool. It is neither kind nor evil.
 
"i think majority of the pple wun get married unless they feel they are finacially stable ?"

For me yes, coz when we "dare" to decide to get married, means we're ready to take (more) responsibility; if have no income or too little income, what are you going to do? asking parents? sigh.. this is irresponsible leh.. parents have to work until how old? no enough money then will fork up their savings, then after all their saving liaw to help you, would you "return" their money?

Thinking staying with parents temporary should answer the financial solution, answer for who? for yourself rite? coz again, if no stable income how you can help parents with utilities etc? not to mention "need to save for my own house etc.." by the end of the day still parents have to pay everything.. unless you just care about ourself, then yes, probably no income oso can get married.
 
wow... i'm quite surprised that ppl are actually replying to a thread that was started more than half a year ago...

and i see a lot of replies discouraging marriage while "too young"... and of coz money is the main reason, followed by "not having seen the world enough yet". well yea, i do have to agree to some extent. sometimes all these factors get in the way so much that I don't know whether to follow my heart (love is blind yea?) or to conform to societal norms.

My friend recently highlighted to me about the "educational qualification gap" between me & my bf. She was like "will you still stay contented with someone who is not on the same academic or intellectual standing as you" or something along those lines. I pondered about her words. I don't know what will happen 10 yrs later. No one knows. But does that mean I have to wait till 10 yrs later to decide if I wanna marry him? Tough question eh? haha.. If I choose to stay with him, is it out of love + being emotionally attached to him (since we've been together for more than 4 yrs). If I choose to leave him and consider someone else, am I being heartless & pragmatic? I'll definitely meet more guys when I step into the workforce (I'm currently a grad student by research btw, and I don't know if I ever wanna work in the industry ever.. haha). But does that mean I will really meet someone more worthy? It might seem naive to some, but I chose the 1st option. I can earn my keeps, why do I need someone who earns more than me? Just for the ego boost? Seriously, I'll be really shallow if I dump him just bcoz he isn't comparable to me academically. True, it's a minus point, but the other stuff he's done for me (and is still doing) outweigh this "con". And in the first place, love can't be reasoned or measured anyway.

A lot of you have been saying that registering for marriage is just for a piece of paper, and stuff like get married only when you want to have kids. All these have crossed my mind before too. But unfortunately, in the elders' eyes, marriage is the official "acknowledgment" of the other party. I want kids too! But not now. I'm gonna finish my course 1st (at least... haha).

Well, just a quick update, both of us have our own source of income already :P although it's not a lot, bcoz mine is actually stipend for my course, and his is a part-time job (coz he's decided to continue studying full time). But to me, it's considered 1 step closer to our plan already.. haha..

We both know that my parents would probably be happier if we only get married (the customary one) after he graduates and gets a full time job. So for now, I'll be happy if we could get engaged for 1 or 2 yrs first, i.e. getting both sides parents to acknowledge that we WILL be getting married in a couple of yrs, and for now, it really doesn't matter if ROM comes before the customary one or will be held on the same day. I've thought hard about it. Actually what I really want is to live my life with him and know that we'll be having kids in the future, and since now's not the right time, being engaged will make me feel happier (and also more secure.. haha.. shallow, i know. but hey, engagement's pretty common these days!)

Having said all that, I'm still very looking forward to that BIG day... haha.. be it in 2 or 3 yrs time :P

So yea, sorry for the long post.

Thank you guys (& gals) for still being interested in my "problem" :P All comments are very much appreciated
happy.gif
 
it's good tat u're steadfast in your thoughts, and just to answer some questions which might have been intended to be rhetorical...

"But does that mean I have to wait till 10 yrs later to decide if I wanna marry him?"
- nope, u can decide now. just dun have to decide and prove it with a marriage in double-quick time.

"I can earn my keeps, why do I need someone who earns more than me? Just for the ego boost?"
- Nope, it's more becos when u have kids, u might take on a decision to focus less on career, or give it up entirely. For such options to even be viable, it's important to have the financial ability to make those decisions so that u stay emotionally stable to perform your task as a mother/wife without having a big shadow over your head - Money.
it's never abt the ego boost or whatever, IF tat's the reason u think pple are thinking, then u might wanna Look further than u're currently looking cos what i just mentioned Remains a blindspot to u NOW.. If u're the breadwinner and also the sole dependent of your parents, u MIGHT have to give up any thoughts of motherhood when u find that u simply Cannot Afford to get pregnant becos u cannot afford to Not bring in income. it Might be during such times when u will revisit Today's decision to marry without first giving things more time to get on track.

Otherwise if u know what u're doing, then just do it. all the best.
 
Well I think I'm definitely not going to be the sole breadwinner lah.. I wish I were a guy, then I won't mind.. haha.. like my dad..

Anyway, I do get your point about the after having kids & deciding to put less focus on career. I've also thought about it before. But I'm thinking that I could probably still focus on my career coz my parents have already volunteered themselves to help me & my sis take care of the kids in the future. And I'm guessing that his parents will also love to take care of their grandchildren.. haha.. I know it's still too early for me to say all these, but I'm really inspired by the "superwomen" around me, like my prof, who has her kids & family to tend to, and she's also the division head of a dept in my school, and has many students' projects/thesis under her supervision. Really hope that I can be like her one day :P

Me & my bf have discussed about all these and we know that even if we do get married in these couple of yrs, we won't have kids until 1 of us have stable income from a full time job. And looking at the comments from some others, it really seems like engagement might be a better option for now
happy.gif
I hope this would get thru smoothly.. heh~
 
"But I'm thinking that I could probably still focus on my career coz my parents have already volunteered themselves to help me & my sis take care of the kids in the future."

You are simply assuming that your parents will be around forever to help you.....
 
you can be inspired but whether you can juggle the responsibilities when it falls on your shoulders is something else ..
 
ling

i rom @ mar 2007, 2.5 yr after we are together. we dun have enuff saving. but we dun wan to have wedding dinner. we bought HDB hse at apr 2007 oso. we have more den enuff CPF. and i got preg in jun 2007. now after 2 yrs later, my hse is ready. and just renovated. moving in soon...

do u all have enuff cpf?? think it very important. my advise to u is maybe hold on to the rom 1st. sometime i regret marrying early too. lolz. every marriage have their up and downz.
and it is not easy staying with ILs... haha...
 
To doLL & cuclainne:
Yup yup, that's why I'm saying that even if we do get married within these couple of yrs, we won't have kids till we know we have stable income - i.e. confident enough that we can financially support out kids. We have thought about the consequences.. haha.. I'm not assuming anything about having my parents helping me (& my sis) to take care of our children in the future. It's just that they've been talking about it, so I thought it might be an option. And of course no one knows how to do everything (i.e. juggle work, kids, personal time & other commitments) from the start. Gotta slowly learn lor..

Vernon'sMummy: nope, I don't have much in my CPF coz I just graduated from uni, and immediately stepped into graduate school. Not buying a house anytime soon coz CPF can't support.. haha..
 
ling,

good that you guys are taking things 1 step at the time. Marriage is intended to last a life-time, there is no need to rush. Plan it wisely and enjoy the process together. Its is a wonderful experience. But, many couples rush it and make it too stressful to enjoy.
 
yup that's the local assumption most have come to adopt. i dun know abt u guys, but at 50-60 i would want time Away from all these care-giving and just live out life away from my kids even... where got time to wipe New asses, feed milk and just go thru the whole process All Over Again?

i guess our older folks have alot less to live for? i mean, Dun older folks wanna travel the world, stay for months all over europe, make new frens, learn new things etc etc?

i'm getting the impression that most older folks are like the default caregiver so that kids can go out and earn a living... and it's Sad, becos towards the end of everything, they will be cast aside (referring to some kids who dump their parents)...

i hope we realise that at 50-60, Most of us are less than keen to be cooped up at home taking care of kids... it's Not in everyone's natural inclination. this again, is another of society's Expectations. so just be careful when planning...

always remember - try to keep the foundation of All plans on the 1st party - Yourself. and rely as little as possible on 2nd or 3rd party goodwill... pple change, pple have new priorities, pple leave, pple will die...

ps: if your sis has 2 kids, u have 2 kids... that 4 Kids! try helping your frens with kids - for 1 day.
 
Haha... yah, rushing is indeed rather stressful. But for me, even if I wanted to rush, I won't get past the "gatekeepers", i.e. my parents.. haha.. I'll still get halted -_-

But I do hope that we can at least get engaged 1st :P Always so excited about these.. heehee
 
hehe, dun mind me being very frank here... but having kids could just mean that - for that split second, u decide not to use a condom.
 
I would say age does matter BUT, what is more important is the mindset. Is never plain sailing in a marriage be it how old one get married.....

Of coz financially stable is one main concern. If both parents are willing to "sponsor" and "support", good for U.. If not, minimum saving U need to have is 50K a must (Reno, Wedding, Honeymoon)....

Well, it's a dream for one to marry someone U love NOW.. But, my advice will be start saving first. The parents will not always be there to be that pillar...... U never know $$$ can be that killer in "ambushed"..................
 
Haiz... it's like money is not everything, but without money, u can't do anything
sad.gif


i dunno how long i have to take to save the 50K.. haha... and if i manage to have that kind of saving, I think I might decide not to hold those kind of grand banquet le... Just use it for house & honeymoon... hahahah... I dunno if I can save that much even when I reach 30 :X
 
ling,

take it in your stride... most of us go thru it so now it's just your turn... of cos there'll be some older folks like us around who have been thru it and may point out some areas where u can spend less, and some areas where u may not even need to have.

50k is a big amount at the early stage of our lives, but it's not insurmountable... it gets smaller as u progress together in life...

Let all these Instead - turn into a motivation for u in work & career!
 
Haha.. It feels like running a marathon
sad.gif
Maybe by the time I reach the goal, I'll be too tired to do anything else. Past the prime age, and don't want to settle down or have kids anymore :P I have aunts & uncles (and a few cousins) who are well over their 30s and refuse to get married.

Sometimes I toy with the idea of changing bf to someone who's already financially stable, and spare myself from the saving marathon part. I mean, it's not like I won't contribute la, but I don't have to worry about pooling the "capital" to start everything.. too bad, my bf is only 2 yrs older than me.. bah~
 
well yeah, life IS a marathon... u gotta pace yourself based on your own physical/mental attributes rite? some pple are fast off the mark, some are constant whilst some just wanna enjoy the run... i'm those who start slow, very slow becos if i go faster, i dun think i can complete the marathon... and i definitely dun wanna drop out. so u have to know yourself...

doesn't matter if others are faster unless u get a kick out of being 1st... some get their highs from completing the race... for me i get a kick out of overtaking those who are wayyy ahead for the first 10km and seeing their faces as i overtake them... hehe, my bad.

for all the thoughts tat are shared, just keep at the back of your mind... u'll know those that apply to u, and those which might not... But be mindful of those which dun apply NOW, but will apply in a couple of years... it's Life rite?

anyway i think your bfren would be more financially stable given a couple of years... it's whether both of u will be mentally still the same? tat's been one of the main issues with early marriages... it's the mental development and outlook in life that faces a major shift.
 
hahaha... now that U talk about life as a marathon, I kind of feel that I'm the sort who wants to reach the destination asap, not bcoz I wanna be number 1, but bcoz I just wanna stop running and enjoy life :P and I'm very likely the sort who run till i collapse and die -_- then end of story :X but i'm afraid of dying, so I'll just be here, unhappy of the fact that the race hasn't ended
sad.gif


For now, we both know that we must prove to our parents that we're ready (which will not be immediately - it takes time). And right now, the feelings are still very strong, basically same outlook in life... No one knows for sure what will happen a few yrs later though. I hope he really IS the one for me, destined to be with me.. Hope that fate don't play a prank on me... haha :X
 
well it's your choice regardless, and whether right or wrong, just remember to have the courage to stand up should u fall. problem with trying to finish the marathon asap, is when u realise u ran the wrong route and have to start over... but as long as u build your stamina and a positive outlook in life, then u dun have to worry abt running again...

since u mentioned, One very impt thing to note is - When u wanna prove yourself to anyone, Never be in a rush... know your limits and pace yourself... u dun need to prove immediately within the shortest time. U will understand this better when u see your peers rise & fall over the next decade... some will 'prove themselves' prematurely and commit themselves to cars, condos and basically look like they have it all... until the banks come knocking. some will live modestly and unassumingly, yet they will surprise u with how well thought-out their financial-planning is.

sad to say, i've seen a couple of frens who have had it all at a young age, have nothing but debts come mid-30s... would have been even More if not for the housing boom which allowed many to sell their houses to save their skin.

so good luck, and remember that Love makes u wanna climb mountains, but it is Money that gives u the ropes, shoes and equipment to actually do it.
 
another issue with rushing to the finish line, it takes away the joy of the process itself when we become to overly focused with goals.

Marriage is not a final destination, its another phase in your life and relationship.
 
"haha thanks for your nice analogies Really pull me back to the reality :P 1 step at a time... boring at times, but what to do?"

If you think it is boring now, most probably it would be equally if not more boring after you are married. What do you do then to kill the boredom?
 
no... if life between the couple is boring during courtship, then expect it to be even more boring after marriage when both is faced with each other daily under one roof.
 
Karen, marriage is not something you get into because you feel bored with dating life. What's next for them if later they find married life also boring? I am not saying that people cannot feel bored with dating sometimes. The fact is that we do because we are human. But this is not a reason to step into marriage.
 
hmm... i guess u guys might have misinterpreted my "boring" meaning. I'm bored with my "alone time", when i'm doing my school work and can't go out to meet him, and since we're not staying together, i can't get to see him as frequently as i like. so i'm bored with.... myself?! omg.. haha.. no la, bored with being cooped up doing my own work on my own
sad.gif
and bored of the wait..

definitely not bored with my bf!! haha
 
ling, you may feel that way now but once you're married and with that person almost 24/7, you'd be wishing for your own private space.
 
Doll, milo.. i see..
That's why i'm bit confuse.. how come one can think that if married then wont get bored? hahaha..
Yupes, i agree with both of u and cuclainne as well..
For me sometimes the boring part its not related to our spouse but more like nothing to do much at home expect taking care bb, clean hse, cooking.. the routine..
Ling, dont fall to those typical girl who never grow up, only buy hapily ever after story and as if your life only have that one goal because you assuming that's matter the most.
While you're still young and 'free', many things you can do.. life not only around your bf rite?

*meeting friends (which would be more difficult after you're married with kids)
*improve your skill (which i think really adding your value in this kind of economic condition)
*Learning something else that interest you, for example cooking class/self make up/photography, etc.. (which probably after married you wont have time to do it-my own expeience)
*social work
*join church/youth group & activity
*make plan with your mom/sister/cousins/friends to do something, can be a girl only trip (v fun!), planning someone bday etc, or simply window shopping..
You dont have to wait to see one person to enjoy your life war..
 
Ling, you better grow up faster lor. After both you step into the society to work, there will be more time spent away from each other.
 
powder, i like your ".. if your sis has 2 kids, u have 2 kids... that 4 Kids! try helping your frens with kids - for 1 day .. "

haha .. very true .. it's no joke looking after kids .. u know, i only truly appreciate my office work after i have kids .. working to me, now, is an escape!! .. omg, can't believe i said that! ahahaha.. and i was telling my colleagues when i'm old, i wouldn't want to take care of my grandchildren.. i already had my fair share looking after my kids and do not want to continue the haunting task of taking care of one more generation! ..
 
haha i enjoy the time with 1 kid, with 2 still ok... but 4 is a nitemare... i dun know who the hell spread that All Grandparents by default will like kids and will take care of kids... it seems that this is everyone's common idea. and then we go on assuming that they will take care of kids whilst we go out to work... haha!

when i'm 50-60 i'm pretty sure i'll still be running around networking, meeting frens and trying to negotiate deals here and there, or going on the last phase of my life... and not hanging around at home taking care of kids.
 
ya, same here! .. plus i also don care whether my kids give me grandchildren or not .. cos if you bug them to give you grandchildren, they will happily assume you will help them take care of the kiddos .. nowadays childcare and infantcare centres are so readily available ..

for me, 2 (aged 4 and 2.5) already giving me nightmares now .. i really dread whenever hubby went overseas trip ..
 
"ya, same here! .. plus i also don care whether my kids give me grandchildren or not .. cos if you bug them to give you grandchildren, they will happily assume you will help them take care of the kiddos .. nowadays childcare and infantcare centres are so readily available .."

Plus hor, alot of parents will blame the grandparents if the kids were not taken care of properly. The ugly truth.
 


hahaha .. me too .. work is an escape for me from the kids. don't get me wrong, i love them very much but spending all day with them can drive me crazy.

i know .. my mom is looking after my nephew and occasionally babysits my gals. once in a while i ask her to go on holiday, or go do something for herself but she's always saying no, because of this and that. i want to ask her to go on holiday with me, she say must check her schedule cos who will take care of my nephew, who will cook, who will wash my brother's clothes when he comes back from camp, etc etc ..

i wonder if this is an asian trait cos the husband's mom is so care-free .. the husband left the family home when he was about 20 and his brother followed suit a few years later .. MIL lives with her partner and they go on holiday like 4-5 times a year. sometimes when she does her usual weekly calls, she'll let us know that she's going away for the weekend so don't worry if she doesn't call etc. my MIL is coming for a whole month in December .. to ask my mom, who's a housewife, to go away for the month she will find difficult to commit.
 
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