Too early to get married?

[pinkcherryapple]

Hi there! Just hope to get some perspectives from married ppl about what I'm intending to do

My bf and I hope to ROM this yr, and hold the chinese customary wedding (with the banquet and all) like 2 yrs later or so, after we save up enough money.

I'm 23 (gonna graduate from uni in the next few mths), and he's 25 (graduating from uni in 2010, but intending to get a job after his exam this sem, and switch to part-time studies). We don't have full-time jobs right now, and with the economic recession going on, finding a job may be more difficult now. However, we have been discussing abt having the ROM in 2009 since 3+ years ago, when we first got together I know a lot of ppl are saying that it's better to get a stable job with stable income 1st b4 getting married, but I really don't understand why 2 person can't show their commitment to each other by tying the knot if they really love each other, regardless of whether they have enough savings already. I mean, we can always earn $ and save up even after we get married. And if the elders are concerned about not having a "seh bin" (flashy) enough wedding, i'm already addressing this issue by opting to only ROM this yr, but not hold the chinese wedding yet. My mum keeps saying that I'm not matured enough to handle marriage, and might not be sure of who I really want to live the rest of my life with. But for me, I know that this is the guy I've been waiting for, and my desire to live my life with him has never changed since we got together.

I know there's an obvious financial issue that's screaming at me now, but I'm thinking if it's possible to ROM already and still live our lives as per normal, i.e. not buy a house yet or have other financial commitments. If U guys are questioning my motive for wanting to ROM, it's very simple: I love my bf and both of us feel that we're ready to commit to the r/s and take it to a further level. I know there r ppl who will say, does 2 more years matter? Can always hold the ROM together with the banquet etc... but for me, I know if I get to share my life with my significant other, wake up with him every morning, i'll somehow feel that life is more meaningful.. hee

So yea, do u guys think it's too early for me to get married?

 

[simpleman]

I don't think there is such a rule as too early. It is really the "readiness" in your mental state - if you discount the financial aspect for the time being.

If both of you are serious and really want to tie the knot - why not?

But on the other hand, what is the driving force - other than the feeling of wanting to tie the knot? Why cannot wait for 2 years .

Financially, it has to be considered. Once you get married, live together and have a flat together - the expenses is going to go up considerably.

the downside is that you 2 are not really staying together and already gotten married. being bf/gf and dating is not the same as staying together. You do not have the chance of getting to know the "real him" - something you won't get unless you stay together for a considerable time.

 

[pinkcherryapple]

Thanks for your reply, sm

Well, I kind of feel that by being married, both of us will be more motivated to work harder (be it in school or at work) - kind of like emotional support, cheering each other on. But the strongest driver now is really the desire to live our lives together. It's not like I wanna do it on impulse, coz I've been thinking of it since 3 yrs ago, and I knew it was definitely way too early back then (I had just graduated from poly).

We're not getting a flat till we have enough savings, so I guess after getting married, we'll either stay at my parents' or his parents' place. I am aware of the expenses that will arise.. but w/o financing a flat for the time being, think shld be enough ba...

We're thinking of having him move over to stay with me after ROM. Then after the chinese wedding, we can decide if we're moving to stay with his parents or continue to stay at my place. Then in the future, when we have our own house, we'll move out.

Is my plan feasible?

 

[simpleman]

Your BF also want to ROM as much as you?

If both of you are really keen - there is really no stopping..

Plan is feasible provided no problem with staying with parents.. and he and his parents ok with him staying at your place after ROM.

When you get married, it will involve both families and that has to be taken into consideration

 

[pinkcherryapple]

Hmm.. as far as I understand, yea, he wants it just as much as me

I think biggest concern is how to convince our parents since we're not working yet... and the elders would always want more security in this kind of matter

 

[clipperjunk]

you can't live on romance alone...honestly, it's the feeling of romance you have right now, not so much love...you fantasize about how the 2 of you will work towards a home, kids, you cook on weekends and he surprises you with breakfast in bed..very dreamy...everyone goes through it...the elders are correct, don't think they don't understand the romance...the very same set of situations and feelings my young children go through are the exact ones i went through, and when you offer them a parental advice, it falls on deaf ears...

life may be short, but still that's not a reason for unplanned haste...take in your youth and do well in your studies...

 

[powder]

ling,

the feeling is great... this whole feeling, and u really can't wait to just advance advance advance! getting there is so fun, nice and it's really so sooo right to be moving towards marriage.

if u wanna do something, nobody can stop u... nobody can tell u it's wrong. u have every right to do it.

my Alarm Bells rang with these statements...

1. "I really don't understand why 2 person can't show their commitment to each other by tying the knot IF they really love each other"
- nobody doubts your love, nobody doubts u are committed to each other... The marriage is something that both of u are taking upon to Further prove something to each other. u probably spent a large portion of the romance continually proving your love to each other until u ran out of proofs... now is like the show-hand - marriage. that's fine, But if u need to continulally prove to each other, then there's nothing after this liao... end of the road. after this, u will need to show more than just love...

2. "we can always earn $ and save up even after we get married."
- why work backwards to prove something u dun really need to prove to each other when u are already so certain of your love for each other... in other words, isit so unstable that u need to show-hand with a marriage Now?

3. "My mum keeps saying that I'm not matured enough to handle marriage, and might not be sure of who I really want to live the rest of my life with. But for me, I know that this is the guy I've been waiting for, and my desire to live my life with him has never changed since we got together."
- it's wonderful when we feel this way

... absolutely wonderous! i felt it like maybe 3-4 times during the course of my life with different girls? quite a number of pple feel this way more than once also... so gotta be abit wary lor... not saying your feeling is any lesser, but saying that this feeling can be felt a few times in life.

4. "but for me, I know if I get to share my life with my significant other, wake up with him every morning, i'll somehow feel that life is more meaningful.. hee "
- u can cohabit.


final decision. do what u want but live responsibly. No money dun drink starbucks. no time dun make pple wait. All becos u Want something... who doesn't want things in life? there's alot of things i want which i can't have... but i dun buy them first.

looking at the younger generation.. pple fcuk before they know how to love, pple buy cars before the can afford, pple have bigger credit card spending than they can pay... as an Old generation guy - i do get worried. many of the young pple Want with their head, not with their ability nor action.

wanting things are justified with philosophy, righteousness by argument. If ask them for money, they won't have... but they will argue until like they already guaranteed to earn 5k a month.

it's your life. but do me a favour, go read some of the divorce threads and know how long it takes to undo your decision. the least u can do is to know how to undo right?

 

[thommy]

I agree with powder.

There's no such thing as 'too early' to get married, it's more of whether u two are 'ready' to get married. There are couples who marry at 20 or even younger and are still happily married now...likewise there are also tonnes of them who divorced after a few years.

If u two are both ready to ROM and spend the rest of your lives together, why not? However in the current economic climate, u just can't live on love and fresh air only, hope u realise that. After u graduate and when u start looking for jobs, then u will know what I'm saying. That dream job of urs may have 50 other ppl vying with u for that as well...it's THAT bad in the job market now. I myself have sent out couple of resumes cos I wanna change jobs, but until now not even a single call from them.

You don't need to get married to stay motivated to work harder or bring ur relationship to the next level girl, if the love btw u two is strong enough, everyday will also be like a married day to u two. Save as much as u can, u will need it when u decide to hold ur customary wedding 2 years down the road. The expenses are HUGE, u will understand more when u sit down to calculate. 2yrs will pass by in a blink of an eye, so no big issues here I see.

 

[ichangeforyou]

Coming from having a failing marriage. I think you should give some thoughts about:

1. Being together and staying together are totally different. A lot of adjustments need to be made as its 2 different person with 2 different upbringing in life.

2. When you start out working, your perspectives towards life is probably going to change as you are exposed to different experiences compared to when you are still in school.

Just dont rush in, if you read more of the threads, you will know that planning a wedding, buying and renovating a house can sometimes put a relationship to test. Why not put yourself through those test and see if the relationship with your bf is strong enough to survive these major events.

Remember things change, people change. Just be sure that both of you have the commitment to nurture the relationship if you do decide to marry young. Well, 2 years is not a long time. Take it as a test to see if your commitment to each other can stand the test of time......

 

[powder]

another thing...

there's a rebellious streak in most of us when we're younger... there's also this eagerness for us to prove ourselves and our decisions... It's something that year after year, generation after generation, younger pple set out to prove. alot of us dun have this awareness when we're younger... it's only when we're in our late 20s/early 30s that we look back and realise with hindsight.

nothing wrong with whatever u're thinking and wanting... i think some of us here have had similar experiences & thoughts, and made bad decisions, mistakes and learnt from them. the reason why older pple tell u things is becos they fear u making mistakes... which to me it doesn't really matter. what matters to me is that Whatever we want in life - we must work for it...

marriage is something we must work for... and working for it isn't abt getting approval nor just doing it. It's about preparing yourself both mentally, physically & financially. it's the responsible thing to do, and not just wanting something and getting it simply becos u can... who's to stop u from doing something that requires 2 witnesses and a budget that cost slightly over 2 movie tickets?

u CAN get married. but can u build on it? ARE U ALREADY BUILDING ON IT? these are questions only u can answer... unfortunately some of the answers u have isn't enough becos u do not have sufficient life experience to recognise the pitfalls. u can choose to bungle your way thru, the 2 of u just need lotsa patience and understanding... Tolerance would be key to making things work.

all the best.

 

[strawberry_love]

"My mum keeps saying that I'm not matured enough to handle marriage, and might not be sure of who I really want to live the rest of my life with"

Listen to ur mum's advices, having brought u up for twenty over years, she knows your character well.

 

[green_tranquility]

Ling,
Why not wait and hold your ROM 2 years later since you will only be having the customary wedding then?

I agree with change's 2nd point. When one steps out to the working society, one will be exposed to more different varieties of ppl and situations. That's why you hear that many of us change after working. The changes include mindset, goals in life, ways of handing things, criteria we look for in a partner etc. Personally, I think it'll be good to re-assess the compatibility of you & BF as marriage partners again after stepping out to the working world.

I'm just offering my views here. Hehe the final call is really up to you.

It's great to see you and BF start planning early for your future together.

 

[darling_princess_wife]

ling,
many of them are rite... ppl change with time, and experience they go thru in life... there are many things to think abt...
if u both rom now, and something do happen... wat are ur tots... divorce? or annulment??
if u both rom now, and get used to married life, and decides not to hold customary wedding, what will ur parents/grandparents/family think??
it might be gd to hv rom n customary wedding close to each other...

no one can guarantee what will happen in life...

 

[vios]

ling,

first thing first, don’t marry for the sake of validating your current relationship; and don’t look upon the ROM cert as an emotional support or a paper proof to back up your love for him, and vice versa.

Honestly, a pre-martial dating couple needs to explore many aspects other than just loving each other. In your case, it is far too simplistic to marry for the above-mentioned points. Alright, I believe the mutual feelings part…. but, I question, what’s the part on putting the love into proper plans? – going by this, it’s not abt your comments as quoted “in future, will earn & save $$$”, or a “future ‘seh bin’ wedding”

I ask, where’s the DESIRE to be a ‘married couple with Added Responsibilities’? Here, gotta be frank with yourself - Can you accept his flaws, and the unknowns.. what abt himself? Are you two able to communicate, understand and achieve the individual and aligned GOALS as a couple? Finally….as powder mentioned, are you two ready to take on the potential pitfalls due to lack of life experiences?

Curiously, the biggest concern shldn’t be about your parents’ approval on this marriage – what can they really do? - it is actually the state of your mind on being a ‘lawfully-married couple’.

Cheers

 

[pinkcherryapple]

Hi all!

Thanks for your replies

Well, actually why I decided to post this is bcoz I've read those divorce threads and feel kind of sad why ppl can change so much in just a few years, and I do know that my decision (to wanna get married now) might not be the good. I do know marriage comes with loads of responsibilities, but I guess I won't truly understand them till I experience it ba?

It certainly seems like in a society like this, it's better to wait 1st. Haiz.. will it really be much much better if I wait for a couple more years, just like what most ppl here have suggested, and what my mum has in mind? Are there really no advantages to getting married younger?

 

[royal_salute]

Ling..

To me, married is like a "gamble". You nvr know how long the marriage will ever last and no one can see the future..

Dont read too much into those divorce threads.. It is happening everyday and there are still couple wanted to get married..

Just do what u and ur bf think is right and enjoy ur married life, be it short or forever.
Cheers!!

 

[vios]

ling, re-read the replies to catch the forumers' gist... i think you still don't get it yet. Honestly, don't make a decision solely based on others (ie. from our posts, your mum's view, old topics).

You and your bf have to explore deeper than that.... afterall, it's your happiness... why not, thoroughly discuss with your bf on the future?

And, i don't mean the simplistic side of it.

 

[powder]

Are there really no advantages to getting married younger?

- NO.

however, there are advantages to having kids early (which might diadvantage your individual development & freedom), of cos this does not require u to be married. marriage cert also allows u to buy a flat together, else u can overcome this by buying Private or renting. think that's about it.

actually marriage isn't that tough, the tough part is Staying in the marriage... forced to stay in the marriage, or wanna get out.

 

[pinkcherryapple]

Hmm.. I think U guys really leave me with something to ponder about deeply... well, i do know that this kind of issue isn't that simple afterall.. i just hope that i won't be so distracted from the present by thinking too much about the future

 

[simpleman]

If cohabitation is an acceptable option - then I would suggest that.

 

[pinkcherryapple]

I personally do not want cohabitation, coz I'd wanna only live/slp with him after getting married. I admit I'm kinda old fashioned.. haha.. plus my parents would never allow!

 

[powderful07]

Aiyah, for guys...cohabitation is always a more preferred option...

We get the best of both worlds mah...
No commitment...plus companionship...

 

[simpleman]

ling, cohabitation is not about just sleeping. It really opens up the world of him to you - all his habits and other life-style issues.

Of course, your parents may not agree.

And if you are not having babies so soon, there is really no point in having early marriages..

 

[powder]

actually Ling,

i would like to share something that is true, but most pple live in denial of it... and that is - Loving someone and Living with someone are 2 completely different things. when u live with someone and eventually fall in love with them, that is more sustainable than if u met a guy, love him and decide u wanna live with them - that one u've got a 50/50 chance.

Love gives us courage to do many things, to break boundaries and to challenge society... and that is a great thing! But remember - society is made up of many others like u who have fallen in love before as well... so it's not You versus Society, nor You versus Us, nor You versus Dad/Mum.

perhaps dad/mum might be 'less right' since their Era has a different set of values in a marriage. but some of us here... we're just 5-10yrs ahead of u, and likely to share similar thoughts on this issue... just tat as we age, we also start to see value in some old-adage. Many things u hear will bear source in some old wisdom... we dun have to heed them 100%, we just have to be mindful of them.

But all said, if u have to be married and go thru a divorce later on in life, then just take it in your stride. no decision is a mistake unless u let it linger and eat into your search for happiness... Love does not fade, but new love can develop... at workplace, as u change, as your values/mindset change, when u're out...

the man u wanna spend your life with Now - will always be the man u wanna spend your life with Now... Unfortunately - u WILL change... physically, mentally, financially... and All these changes will alter your choice in a Man.

at school, when u have not started working... parents finance your dates, they finance your living, and u can Easily commit your time and attention to each other Only... u only juggle family n frens on the side. family might excuse your attendance cos u're a young adult... but later as your parents Age (like all parents) - they will require your attendance More and More... to a stage, they might require to stay with u, and Depend on your financial support for their food, shelter, medication... That's Life.

and there's FOUR of them... his and yours.

this is just the start... have u learnt more abt it yet? have u explored this aspect? and this is just one... there's kids, there's career, there's worklife-frens, there's personal space... there's a whole lot more that is in your blindspot Now. so no doubt this is the man u wanna spend your life with Now... but the You Now, is not gonna be the same You Tomoro.

 

[feligoh28]

Hey ling, it seems like financial worries are the main things thats holding you back now..

Just my opinion, if you see your bf together with you in your future years to come, then marriage is just but a status and recognition.

By all means go for it if there's really such a strong feeling to do so. =D

Free romantic ideas for the coming Vday.
Hope it's of help. Enjoy! =D
http://www.romantic-valentines-gifts.com/

 

[baby_lonblue]

almost 99% of people i knew whom marry early (before 25) told me they regretted their decision when they are in their early 30s now.

my cousin was so in love with her then BF and marry him when she just turned 21 despite her family objections as both are still uni undergraduates then with no income .

10 years later, she had 3 sons with him but was divorced as her husband, someone whom she used to love so deeply got involve in a affairs with one of her good friend

now her ex HB live together with her good friend
..................

someone whom she is so sure of and so in loved with once can change too...

sad to say but human being mentality certainly do change in e course of time especially after you reach 30s

 

[zenteno]

Hi ling,

My htb and I are very young too. I am 24 and he is 27. We are together for less than 2 years.

I personally feel that it isn't a wise choice to get married if both of you are not financially stable. ROM, apartment, wedding customary, family planning, taking care of parents at their old age etc will cost both of u a big bomb so SAVINGS ARE REALLY IMPORTANT. I understand that both of you are committed to each other and deeply in love but do both of your parents understand that & accept to delay wedding customary after ROM?? Wedding is not just about the couple, is about 2 big families! That's why is not easy to ROM 1st then save. Since both of you are really certain about your r/s then save up 1st and work towards your plans. No hurry to ROM so fast.. Btw, what have u two been discussing abt marriage so far? care to share?

Loving each other is not enough. Living habits are impt too. If both cant compromise and can't accept each other ways of living styles then how to stay together? Can u imagine what life going to be after living together? household chores, cooking, personal hobbies, work, friends bla bla.. both of you dont have a full time stable job now or should I say a career, what if either one of u ends up have irregular working hours then do u think able to wake up together in the morning? Will u mind? If your mum doesnt approve of cohabitation, then u can suggest that he stays over your house but sleeps seperately. Will his mother mind?

Your mum keeps saying that you're not mature bla bla bla.. Do u try to explain to her? Does she voice out her concerns? She mention abt u sure he is the guy so how does she think of your bf? Really have to communicate well. I believe both of u want both of your families blessings right?

U mention about further level.. can provide details??

 

[zenteno]

Hey, I have something to share with all of u..
Ling, these are one of the many many reasons why we are getting married so fast.. It's really amazing after reading.. coz we are already a happy couple before reading this

10 Things Happy Couples Do

1. Go to bed at the same time.
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn't wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.

2. Cultivate common interests.
After the passion settles down, it's common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don't minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side.
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it's more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode.
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can't resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong.
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work.
Our skin has a memory of "good touch" (loved), "bad touch" (abused) and "no touch" (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the "good touch," which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say "I love you" and "Have a good day" every morning.
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

8. Say "Good night" every night, regardless of how you feel.
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a "weather" check during the day.
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner.
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact – hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

 

[oldshirley]

I've gotta agree with Ling that the 10 items mentioned are really things to keep that little spark going. It's amazing how they make a difference.

There's a book called "100 secrets to a great relationship". It's a wonderful book all couples should be introduced to!

 

[popcheek]

i got to know my husb when i was 18, he was 19.
then when i am 23, he 24...we did ROM (and both just enter workforce).
the next year, we get a house.
the following year, we throw a wedding banquet.
and a year later...we have 1st baby...
2 years later...(which is now), we are having 2nd bb...and moving to new house.

seems like very smooth, but we have rough patches too... esp his flirting mouth.dun like it.

 

[zenteno]

Hi Shirley,

Thanks for sharing.. I am going to check out the book hehe

 

[pinkcherryapple]

Ling (Zenteno): Thanks for your reply

What we have been discussing so far huh... well, we did talk about where we'll stay after ROM and after the customary wedding, who will do what household chores (there are some stuff he's good at but i can nv do well.. haha), when we wanna have kids, how we will balance the time given to both sides parents, how we will manage the finances if we ROM roughly at the same time we enter workforce etc.... but these are between us only, haven't talked to either of our parents yet, bcoz we're still trying to find a suitable occasion to bring up the topic

I know many ppl would prefer saving up 1st b4 getting married... and i also ask myself, why don't i wanna do that.. i guess it's bcoz i'm just too excited about the whole issue la but after ROM, we're still able to save up for the banquet thingy ba..

Anyway I think it's kinda impossible to have him stay at my place either.. My parents might only allow after we ROM - quite traditional family.

As for how my mum views him, she thinks he's very "guai" coz he always helps out with the housework at my place, goes out with us together (and fetches us when he can), is courteous to my family & relatives, also he's not the calculative kind (sometimes kena take advantaged by ppl lor).. BUT, she thinks he's too quiet, therefore seems to lack confidence. 1 major concern she has is that he's only gonna graduate in 2010. Although he's gonna switch his studies to part time and find a job after his exam in May, we still gotta wait till he really secures a job b4 telling my parents that he's gonna have income, and not living off his parents.

But my mum did mention that if i wanna get married to him in the future, she won't object la... (think she means like 2 yrs later) so bcoz of this, i'm wondering if they'll allow if i only wanna ROM this yr, and hold the banquet 2 yr later. And as for how my mum thinks abt my maturity level, she's worried that I don't understand the demands of married life (but I'm not married yet, how would I know exactly? so she keeps telling me what to expect in married life, making it sound very tough). And she has this mindset that as long as I'm still in school, I cannot get married. And the thing is, she's encouraging me to do my masters after I officially graduate in July (already applied but need to wait for confirmation). And she views Masters by research as studying also!! (even though there's a high chance of receiving stipend monthly). So I asked her, what if I am eligible for phd and I go ahead, does it mean I must wait till I'm close to 30 b4 getting married? Then she said phd is different. Then I told her, both are research, the nature of the work is similar lor. Then she dunno how to answer me.. haha

the "further level" I'm talking abt means living together - not cohabitation, but being married

Anyway, thanks for sharing the list of 10 things happy couples do

We're already doing some of them

baby1more: hey! thanks for sharing your story

Care to share more about how you guys made the marriage work?

Cheers every1!!

 

[pinkcherryapple]

baby1more: actually your description of when U got married, when U bought a house and have kids etc.. it's kind of like what I have in mind

But how come U bought a house 1 yr after ROM, and moved to new house 2 yrs later?

 

[popcheek]

pinkcherryapple: we ROM in dec 2004 (haha now u know my age liaoz)....then we get our resale 4 room flat in July 2005.
we sold our house without fulfilling the minimum occupancy 5 yrs period coz we appeal.
ahem..my house is fine, realli..nice neighbour, nice amenities, near to mrt...but we selling coz he need the cash from sales proceed to settle his debts of few grands.*sigh*
but we moving to even bigger house, thanks to our CPF....

erm.... our marriage is not all smooth/ bed of roses leh, i just open up my email, and saw those messages he used to send me way back in 2001, wah like very kiddish and corny. come to think of it, we dun do that anymore? and if i do that sort, he will say i mad :X or trying to be funny... hmmm how come ah, and yet if i find out, he actually tell his frens tt 'my wife use to look like angel b4 marriage' (ahemmmm means what!!)

well, i can say that dating & marriage is really different lo... hw i wish if we can have that 'honeymoon' feeling tt u are experiencing now, for the longest time ever...and always be loving forever. but then, alot of factors come into play after marriage - work stress, in laws, financial, kids, and even little things in life.

i always try to give in and to my best, self-humiliate. its not easy. he wants me to be independent (work to support family as well), yet he wants to be 'da nan ren' and i be the 'xiao nu ren' at home... must massage him when he is tired, must fetch him water even kitchen is just steps away, must not nag too often, and so on

 

[oldshirley]

baby1more: How much did you have to save before you did all those? My bf and i are talking about going into marriage but the financial burden we are expecting is a huge turn off.. the house, wedding banquet and all..

 

[thommy]

That's part and parcel of getting married in Singapore, no choice. Maybe budgeting for them first would be a wiser option.

 

[popcheek]

Well, honestly speaking....
i din have a single cent of saving. and that time i just finished studying when we do ROM. so the 1st HDB i cannot use CPF, need to use cash. my dad come out with close to 30K for the downpayment of flat.

on my husb side, his dad was not really supportive of him getting married so early, therefore, he used wadever he have in his CPF (which is measly amount), and he apply bank loans here & there to get by.

I would say, please do not take his methods - bank loans are a burden & killer.

well, i should probably say when you have enough CPF to afford a HDB, perhaps at least 30-40K combined cpf? i not too sure coz i nv use CPF then.

umm, for the wedding we held it at Meritus Mandarin, 30 tables, 1 table about 788+ each. just have to have 10K ready loh..coz the charges can be covered using the angpow u guys received (so please invite appropriate friends/ relatives..not those type bring whole kampong go and give measly angpow )

the wedding shots... i think in my opinion no need to splurge on it. coz think again, it is only nice to see one time or during the wedding day itself, but then it collect dust in store room after that!!!so a budget of 2-3K is my standard...well if u want those 10K one also can, but i realli find its no use.

honeymoon...we go to HK and at promo period. quite cheap tt time. pls be thoughtful to yourself & husb, if honeymoon can drag 1-2 yrs later, then so be it. it may be a good experience to 'perk up' your 1-2 yrs of marriage. if u do it all at one go, then nothing left to do after few yrs then things get boring?

ermmm kids!! babies!! initial 'investment' quite costly. so if u have relatives/ frens who had babies b4, grab their clothes/baby clothes. dun overspend on new clothes, coz no use lah. babies dirty very fast, grow very fast and usually babies stay at home and not go shopping everyday...so at home wear ugly/tattered clothes i dun mind (in fact very comfy coz the cloth very soft liao). every month you will spend about $200-300 on babies needs/stuff (diapers, milk,small necesities, etc).

and before everyone fell asleep with my 'aunty' talk.. i shall end here 1st

 

[pinkcherryapple]

baby1more: it's really nice to hear u share about what u experienced, and how u coped with your finances, esp when this is most probably the route i'm gonna pursue

Anyway, do u feel stressed out about money matters? mind if i add u in msn to chat?

 

[popcheek]

pinkcherry: ho hoho... tell me about it,man...esp the money matters. it does make a diff.summore i did mention to u ppl tt my husb is flirty... *haiz*

u can add me in msn but it seems i cannot PM u my msn. im on at the moment.

 

[pinkcherryapple]

Hmm.. weird.. I can't PM u as well... did u set your settings to not accept PMs?

why not u email me your msn address to [email protected]

Thanks

 

[popcheek]

the email to ur address got bounced back...
it says This user doesn't have a yahoo.com.sg account ([email protected]) [-5] - mta116.mail.sg1.yahoo.com

 

[pinkcherryapple]

hmmm weird... nvm send to this other 1 instead.. [email protected]

this 1 i know it's working

paiseh ah... hee~

 

[zenteno]

ling, I get it.. I am really glad for ya that both have plans and I can understand why both have that urge to settle down cause I feel the same way just that I have stay with him for abt a year.. Actually its up to individual what they want to pursue.. for my case, financial is very impt as we dont want to stay at his parents' house due to privacy, long travelling hours after work bla bla so we definitely must get a house. My mum doesnt like the idea of waiting for a couple of years then hold customary wedding so no choice too..

agree with ya that need to find a suitable occasion to bring up the topic and discuss with both of your parents so from there both know how to go about making your plans work.

All the best to you!! I think the only fear is whether this kind of feeling will fade and will any one of u change.. coz studying and stepping into working society is diff..

 

[shirleypoise]

Hi Ling,

I can feel your excitement through your posts. Btw, how long have the 2 of you been tog? Why 2009?

Not saying that the 2 of you are not ready.. It's just... why the hurry?

Did you consider getting engaged instead? That's another level in a r/s too..

Just wanna remind you that ROM is not just a piece of paper. It's a legal marriage. So holding your customary later or not it doesn't really matter. Dun only think about the happy moments your are gonna share after signing on the dotted line, consider all the things you have to go thru if it fails too.

Do re-read some of the easier posts.. there's a lot of wisdom in them...

 

[hondalady]

Ling,

It is sweet to get married early and to build a life together. Having said that, Marriage does take away your personal time.

Is your bf supportive of your goals and dreams? Are the two of you going to share a life by egging each other to achieve your dreams?

Finance, family and work can take its toil on you... it is always better to know ur bf will be ready to accept you and once u are committed, u must not look back. Even if better guys should pass your way... even when there are fights and quarrels... afterall marriage is not a bed of roses.

 

[simpleman]

The main advantage of marrying early is that you can have children earlier.. and then your can probably enjoy your life earlier & longer

 

[pinkcherryapple]

Ling (Zenteno): Actually I'm not quite sure if my mum would mind me having the customary a couple of yrs later... haven't got the chance to find out yet.. haha.. and yea, i know ppl do change as they proceed to do different things in life, but maybe bcoz I have many cousins who dated their bfs during school days, and end up marrying them after they join the workforce, and so far so good.. so it kinda tells me that as long as the feelings are true, it will still work out (though no one really can predict the future la).

Mrsf0ng2b: haha, i'm indeed quite excited We've been together for 3yrs +, close to 4 yrs

And since the 1st month of being bf/gf, we kind of knew we wanna get married as soon as we graduate from school (was planning to go university, and now I'm gonna graduate already, he still has 1 more yr to go, but is actively seeking employment already) and have a job. So, yea, we have been discussing about it for the past few yrs, but not in-depth yet. And this yr happens to be the yr i graduate (and we both feel that we're ready to commit), so we thought maybe it's time to work towards it

I do know that marriage isn't gonna be all smooth-sailing, but I know I'm prepared to deal with problems when they occur. And I think such problems (i.e stuff that come with the adjusting to a new life) will still exist even if I wait for a few more yrs. I can't foresee the future, but based on my understanding of my bf up till now, I know he'll be willing to tackle them with me

Honda Lady: Yup, I agree that marriage takes away personal time. But that's a sacrifice every1 intending to get married have to make, so I already anticipated it. He's supportive of what I'm intending to do, as long as they're not too ridiculous, and he's always there to cheer me on

As for him, he needs some pushing and nagging sometimes, and he seems quite ok with my style, at least for now.. haha..

SM: We actually plan to have kids after the customary wedding if possible

I've always wanted to have kids as early as (financially) possible, probably bcoz of my parents' influence.. My mum is always so happy whenever ppl commented that she's my sister.. hahaha.. and my bf just loves playing with kids (like my cousins, kids of family friends etc)

Anyway, thank U every1 for your comments/opinions. I really appreciate them

 

[zenteno]

I agree...as long as the feelings are true, it will still work out.. as long as both are committed and deeply in love..

In less than a month, my htb is sure that I am the one.. hehehe
everyone always feel that we are in honeymoon period and nobody seems to understand the bonding we have

so.. it's you and your bf.. only both of u know exactly the feelings in the r/s..

 

[apple_cherries]

hello ling,

how have you been. was just scanning through your thread and reading here and there.

if both parties have plans to settle down and all it's a good things. means that's what he really wants and not just for fun sake and god knows what would happen few yrs down the road.

personally im very young to. im 21 this yr, just had my baby 3mths+ hubby 33. before i got tog with my hubby i did tell my mum, the nxt guy i meet i'll marry him. and i make sure he's the right guy for me. not a any guy come along thing.

certain things you have to take note getting married young esp if your other half is still young,

he has a long way to go, he may have ALOT of other temptations out there. for girls, our youth is always our time bomb... once we are old, no body would look at us, for guy's it's a different story, they can be old yet still looking for fun.

you said to rom stay with your parents, child would come ltr on, can your assure that such a case would happen? your would really refrain from sex till aft customary. you may want it but he mayb be tempted to want from you because LAWFULLY you ARE his wife.

should a kid come along, expense is EXTREMELY heavy. customary also involve money. besides he has not started working..unless parents are helping in the cost. sorry for being blunt but all this are true facts. =))

 

[tomasulu]

isn't it counter intuitive to express your commitment to someone by marrying him? think about it, wouldn't it make more sense to do the exact opposite? that you'd want to show commitment by being with your guy WITHOUT all the legal obligations or societal expectations that come with a marriage. if you are truly committed to each other, you don't need a marriage to validate or vindicate it.

again, could just be my fossilized thinking but a marriage should be the result of, not an expression of, a couple's commitment and love. don't go putting the cart before the horse.

also, to be fair to each other, you need to reach maturity before marriage. for you to be so starry eyed and flighty, i have serious doubt you are mature enough. by maturity, i simply mean someone who knows what he wants, someone who is pretty fixed in his ways, world view, character traits, etc. good or bad, a mature person will not change much. many people i know change the most the first few years after they left school and started working. you will be selling yourself short if you don't let your relationship be tested by that period of transition. wouldn't that be a better way to show your commitment?