The Past

[lei_qie_er]

Ever wondered why some people will mind the past? Each and everyone of us has got a past. Will you ever get paranoid in thinking that you might meet your partner's ex-gf/bf in any occasion? Will you tend to question your partner about their past?

 

[jinnous]

I guess its best not to ask about your partner's past unless you are prepared to accept it. Dun ask already then the next time if you guys quarrel either party bring back that past and hurled at each other. What for?

 

[vios]

add on to little_poppets' post....


no matter happy or sad, the past constitutes a part of the partner's present life - in the trains of thoughts and accumulated life experiences.

Why be paranoid abt the ex if he/she is currently happy with you?
Why try to interrogate if he/she is unwilling?

Usually, the issue is within oneself.

 

[tomasulu]

who we are today is, to a large extend, who we were with, where we have been and what we have done. in other words, you can't really know a person unless you know his past. and you shouldn't be with a person you don't know well enough.

 

[alcifertoh]

Depending on what kind of past you would want to know and if you can take it. If you are just being curious and already expecting some kind of preffered answers, better don't ask.

Why dig on the land where there could be mines?

 

[altiora]

Hmm, if I know I cannot accept the answer, I will not ask. It is the past, it cannot be changed, whether I know it or not doesn't make any more difference (except making myself upset). Not worth it. The present and future is what matters. The past may have helped to shape my partner for who he is, but the present will, by the same logic, determine who he will become in the future, no? =)

 

[powder]

only the foolish expect a Prince Charming to come Without a past... at our age if u find someone who's never been in a relationship, then even if they dun have a past, u're gonna have huge issues with values and opinions...

 

[tomasulu]

the body of evidence is that much more if you consider the past as well. i accept that folks have varying comfort levels as to how much and how far they want to delve into their partners' past. but i don't understand the idea that we shouldn't dig in case things blow up in our faces. to me, that is the exact reason why you'd want to know. if things have to blow up, it is better now than later.

 

[alcifertoh]

Hahaha then high possibility that you might be the past of the person and the relationship can be his/her lesson too. It's through the past we learn and appreciate present.

 

[awakened]

I believe that some things are better left unspoken. So, I will not ask about my partner's past relationships beyond what he is willing to share. I will not hesitate to stop him too if I find myself getting uncomfortable with too much details being shared.

Granted that the past may explain a person's actions, personality or character in the present, but it is not restrictive to relationships with partners of the past. I will focus more on his family upbringing, work styles, friends he grew up with etc instead to understand him better.

 

[vios]

tomasulu, i can understand your perspective....

but for me, i do think that i don't have the rights to demand a certain memory from her nor get fired up over her past....
and i'm not a part of it anyway.

It's the Present Her that gets me more interested, because it has a current say in our togetherness.

 

[jinnous]

I tried that before...you know asking bout my hubby's past.... he never asked me bout mine, he said everyone's got a past, but that's just what it is, a past. So if the past was unhappy, why bring that up again?

Everyone's notion of wanting to know the other half's life is different. If you know already and you can't put it down, wouldn't it be better if you dun know at all? Why make your relationship suffer?

The past shapes us how we are going to handle the future. Isn't that nicer?

 

[tomasulu]

when i refer to the past, i don't restrict it to a person's love history. i also want to know her upbringing, family background, work history, who she hangs out with, etc. obviously you don't want to intrude upon someone's privacy in trying to understand him better. or worse, use that privileged knowledge against him when things go pear-shaped.

knowing a person's background is also more relevant to a couple just starting out. if you've known someone a long time (perhaps you started off as friends), you already have enough to go by to make a judgment call.

the movie the heartbreak kid (ben stiller's version) says it better than i can. we can get so swept up with a new love that we ignore obvious and vital warning signs. and because we are all such good actors, those warning signs often come in the form of dodgy past dealings. ignore or avoid them at your own risk.

i think it is pure naivety to expect unconditional acceptance. everybody has their line in the sand as to what is acceptable. it is much easier to be with someone you are comfortable with than try to change your worldview or value system.

 

[altiora]

I agree with the post above me, i.e. if you take "past" to refer to not just love history, but his upbringing, the friends he hang out with, how he treats his family etc etc, then I understand that we should learn more about him from them.

However, we don't question him to get all this info, do we? We observe and come to the conclusion (be it good or bad) by ourselves, or perhaps find out from mutual friends, etc.

Even if we do question him about his past, will a person with "dodgy past dealings" tell you honestly? I am more inclined to think that a truly dodgy guy will just lie in an attempt to pacify us, while those more honest guy who really tell the truth about his past will affect his current relationship. Lose-lose situation.

That is why we say open both eyes during dating. Action speaks louder than words. Observe how he treat his family members, interact with his friends, how he treat you (esp the little things), and there you have it.

Cheers!

 

[vios]

"i think it is pure naivety to expect unconditional acceptance. everybody has their line in the sand as to what is acceptable."

Oh yea, definitely man.

As altiora put it - if you're talking about knowing each other better in terms of other areas like family, work, interests - yes, it shld be like through casual talks / deeper communications.

for my previous posts in this thread, it is meant for some who think that they have a right to know this, or know that simply because they are currently attached/married to their partners.

 

[faith81]

i agree what we have gone thru contribute to wat we are now.. so i tink there's pros and cons to know abt the past...but trust me it's better to know... now then to know 3-4yrs later... u might get a big shocked..

 

[sonypeh]

there is a saying.

Don't waste your time with people in your past.. there's a reason why they're not in your future.

 

[miloice]

Not everyone is able to handle the truth. Some just refused to realize this.

 

[powder]

ya, those who can't handle - are normally the ones who are the most likely to dig...

 

[little_ms_naughty]

i think its better to come clean with ur current partner, as i feel its some form of respect..

Also, if in future, there won't be any finger pointing as to why you didn't tell me about this or abt that before..

I feel its better to share it out when the time is ripe, eg, when your conversations leads to it..

hb & i does just that, & we're very comfy..

 

[shirleypoise]

I would like to know the past.. but not so that I can hold it against him but more so to know him better..

 

[leng78]

lei_qie_er, any reason for asking this?