Should I divorce?

P

ppot

New Member
Hi all, need some advise here. My husband and I been married for 3 yrs now currently we do not have children. I am 30 this yr and he is 31.The reason for ending my marriage is not about affairs but more on unreasonable behaviors of my husband. I feel i am suffering and i do not think ours is a normal husband and wife relationship..

1) We can hardly communicate. Even if we do, some simple question and answer ending him giving sarcastic or mean remarks abt me. He will embrasses me in front of our friends and parents by scolding me and even when friends advised him on his behavior, he told them he was teaching me.

2) He spends all his time inside the room either on his PS2 or sufing net. The routine for him after work is to go straight to the room playing games and sufing net till time for him to go to bed.

3) He doesnt like having sex with me.. excuses like tired, tommorrow, or I never inform him earlier. We only have sex like once every two month..highest record six mths. I intitated till i fedup!

4)He curse and swear at me when we went out to celebrate my father bday. My husband think we should not go to restaurant and should eat in food courts or hawker. He always make fun of my family infront of me..

5)We have argued countless of time beacuse of his behavior..During aurguement, he wont allow me to speak..he will shout at me and walk off...sometimes i am taken aback by his mood swings and i am speehless...I feel angry and hurt.No point talking to him on our problems anymore..i tried and failed badly..

6)I dragged him to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor is a woman. The counsellor told him not to make fun of pple at their expenses. When we are back home, he told me the counsellor is a woman, that;s why woman side with woman...he think theres nothing wrong with him.

7)Never once he apologise to me. Sometimes, he knows he is wrong. His way of apologising to me is to treat as nothing wrong..


To me, a marriage or relationship isnt that way. I am not a girl with high expectation. I am not hoping i will be pampered. When we got married, we do not have wedding dinner or wedding gown. No phototaking or honeymood. He wasnt like this before we got married. I feel my life is wasted if i continue staying with him.. I even hope he will have an affair, got dump and start to appreciate me...ahhah..silly right.. I think he should have more experiences with women and know how to appreciate and respect them. i becomes an angry woman. We quarrels and even fights. We just like landlord and tenant..

To all of you out there? Should i just move on?
 


hi, i think ur hb super MCP... if i were u, i wun even marry him. No gown? No dinner? No photos for memories? No honeymoon?
How can u tahan?
No offense, some ppl also none of the above. but honeymoon can mean anywhere... even no $$ also can go msia? batam? bintan? also considered HMing...
Photo taking, customary day no pics taken? ROM photographing?

Is he suffering frm inferior complexity tat he has to verbally abuse u to feel superior?

Points..
Teaching u infront of frens? i think he doesn't respect u.
Making fun of ur family? I dun think he's a gd hb.
cursing u on ur father bday? he's asserting his MCP on u.

Though i shld not encourage divorce, but i think if u stick wif him, u'll go crazy in no time...
So, perhaps divorce is the only way out...
 
Perhaps Divoce will be a wake up call for him. Cos all these while u seem to be giving in to him. It's good in a sense that there are no children to complicate the matter.

Maybe consult with yr close frens or family before making the final decision.
 
Hi All!

Thanks for the advises. It is really comforting..

The reason i am still sane or i think i am sane is because he stays in the room most of the time...so i still have time to catch my breath or relax a bit..

Oh maybe when i mean no phototaking means no going to studio to take photo. Our friends and my sis did help me to take photo during the ceremony. As for the gown, recently he did ask me to go to photo studio and take one simple one. I rejected. No point take now, who will c me in gown?? And especially our marriage not in bed of roses..

My father in law is also treating my MIL this way, i think that;s why he is behaving like this.

No, before married he isnt like this.. he went out of the way to get some gifts for me...like the full set of Mcdonald winnie the pooh and he made a cd for me when i just comment that i like the song. haahh..Now, if he got me gifts, i have to redempt the gifts in cash! I will ended up paying for my gifts from him...

Divorce.. it is a big move for me. SIlly me is still playing dumb hopefully i wont resolve to this.
 
esther,

why did you even marry him in the 1st place?

He has no respect for you whatsoever. Was he like this before marriage?
 
Hi Esther,

If communications thru mouth is not possible, try writing him a letter on how you feel. See if he bothered reading the letter.
 
seriously..he isnt like this in the past...

i asked him before what did i do to make him so angry? I asked him since i am always wrong, how should i change or improve to make this marriage works. He didnt answer me. He thinks i am being unreasonable and asked me to quit talking... He always tell me that all women are unreasonable and troublesome...
He doesnt "teach" outsiders. He said I am his wife that's why he teaches me.
 
Hi Esther,

I believe the most important question to you now is "Was he like this before you married to him?". If he was already like that before marriage, I believe the reason for you to agree marrying him was something else......

I definitely hope that it's not because that you 2 were together for a long time, or there's simply no one else for you to choose at that time.

I guess in his point of view, you are a soft woman whom he can push around. Not as smart as him, or as capable as him. In such a case, I would think that instead of wasting your precious time on how to deal with him. Try to understand yourself better, see what are the weakness which he usually likes to pick on. Work on them, and make them become your asset!

Again, this takes alot of time and effort. Of coz, you can take the easy way out, that is to divorce and wait for a guy who will appreciate what you are now. So it really boils down on how much you want your relationship to work out.

I always have this thinking that, in the olden days, my grandparents' era, things are much simpler. Is it because they don't have much education, so life are simpler???? Maybe.......
 
Hi Francis,

I wrote to him before since he spends so much time infront of his PC. Asked him if he read it, he said he wont see and deleted it..nothing changes..
 
Hi Esther,

he seems to have a strange way of expressing himself. I do know of guys to put their partner's down so as to feel great about themself.

ps2- my bf is oso hooked on his ps2 since the day i bought it for him (knock my own head) But on the good side is at least he is at home. For me, I pick up a couple of games tt he plays and join in the game. be it tack team or a battle with him. That oso give us common topics.

He does not feel that the problems lies with him but lies with you. Perhaps you could turn it around and find out wat is it he tinks was wrong of you. He might feel that the fault lies with you and thus behave as such. try not to blame him directly but find out wat is wrong and why he is behaving as such.

All this might be due to prolong miscommunications. I personally think it has nt reach the stage tt justifies a divorce.
 
esther: ROM nv wear gown? nv employ PG or VG to film process? all rely on frens? i think tat is abit limit.
gifts paid by urself? eh, wat's the point?
husband n wife dun use the word teach**...
tats y i say he no respect u. verbal abuse is bad enuff.
wat type of ppl he hang ard wif after marriage?

some men wans to assert their power so tat their wives remain meek after marriage.. so they do tat.
tat type of men cannot change. unless u throw divorce papers in his face.

some men scared their wives lord over them after marriage so they tend to be fiercer. this type of men can change after counselling or heart-heart talk.

u need to noe which category ur hb belongs to.

mine belonged to the 2nd type. after we talked it out, he became softer le. though sometimes still MCP. but tolerable lvl.

not everytime is ur fault... dun blame urself. u'll go crazy like this. i almost did... blaming myself for all our quarrels... crying in the nite, reflecting over my *Mistakes*...

if ur hb willing to thrash things out, do it.
if not, give him ultimatum... threaten divorce, go back ur mom's plc. c his reaction. if he's still so horrible, u noe he's not worth it.
if he changes, u noe there's still a chance to thrash things out.
 
Hi Andrian,

I have been married to him for three yrs now. On the first yr, i already sense something is not right. I stay on with him and didnt take the easy way out. Partly, I do not want my marriage to end this way. i did work hard to improve things. I try talking to him and when that failed, i called up a marriage counsellor for help.

We were friends for many yrs before we ended up together. We together for 3 yrs before we rom. I have one relationship before i met my husband. When i with my husband, you can say that theres no one else for me to choose...i didnt engage into many legged relationship...and i think i am normal..

I am not a soft woman, I do talk, shout, qurrelled and fight with him. However, I am soft in the sense that i forgive him almost immediately.. we never went thru cold war for more than one day. The problem is i know i should be harsher on him but i simply dun like fightings.

I know what currently on his mind, and he always uses this on me to pick on him ...getting an isurance with him as the beneficiary... I do have one..getting another one will be financial tight on me.. so i told him to get one when i am lighter or after i repay the reno loan fully in 2009. He is not pleased. Theres nothing i can do..

I know what you means in the olden day. For the past tthree yrs i been living in the olden days..letting him step on me.. and i keeping quiet. I started to question if i want this kind of life for another 50 yrs.. I am still thinking. I simply cannot tolerate when we couldnt hold a normal conversation together... this i feel i am living in dark age.
 
Hi esther, do u happen to have a malamute or husky dog?? Cos ur situation sounds so similar to my fren's fren... and I really sympathised w her. I certainly hope u can find the strength to carry on if u intend to keep this marriage. But my feel is that it wld be a waste of ur youth if ur hb has no inclination to change for the better.
 
Esther follow what your heart tell you. Just imagine you have to face him for say another few decades and are you willing and happy to live such a life.

SInce both of you are childless so it might be more easier and lesser commitment stuffs to tie you down and hinder your final decision. You are still young and you may find someone which deserve and care for you more.
 
Hi G gal,

Nope! I am not your friend's friend. I have 5 lovely cats no husky! : ) So may i know what happened to your friend;s friend now?

Hi Nikikoh,

The PS2 was bought together.. I also did play with him.. in fact i am his game partner before married and for a while aft marriage...he started playing RPG games and only one player can play..He mentioned abt getting ps3.. i faint... i didnt cry myself to sleep so often now.. Seeing my husband throwing temper so common that i feel indifferent..SOmetimes im wondering if i married someone else.. will i have someone hugging me to sleep? Will I have someone to talk to everyday?
 
Hi Ester,

I empathize with wat u r gg thru 4 I've been there once myself. It happened to my previous relationship. We were ROmed... During the 1st yr, it was ok. But into our 2nd yr, my wife started behaving v unreasonably. She met a female friend and started staying out over weekends with her friend. During weekdays, she will return home v late. I expressed my unhappiness n hurt to her but it didnt stop her . I tried to b understanding, if it was becos of work stress tat she needed some other avenue of de-stressing. I was super accomodating. I wrote letters like "I know u may b v stressed...", etc. And I realised that d more I did such things (be nice), etc, the more she carried her actions further. It was fueling her pride. Even her parents asked me to leave her... I tot it was becos she was angry at me for disapproving of her friend, so she did all these to "punish" me.

Anyway, after 1.5 yrs of such life(spending dinner alone, weekends alone), I decided it was time 2 go. We did go for counselling but it didnt help. It takes 2 hands to clap... I finally packed my stuff, waited for her one night and told her I am leaving... She said, "Are u putting up an act?". So I just left... and 2 weeks later, I sent her a lawyer letter and we split up. When she got the letter, she immediately apologised for her actions and told me that it was becos she was too proud. But anyway, my love for her has died after 1.5 yrs of mental abuse.

Looking at your situation, it seems similar to mine. Speaking from experience, d more I was nice to her despite her abuse, d more she carried her actions further... I read that tolerating bad behaviour is encouraging it. My prompt forgiveness and kindness were actually fueling her pride and making things worse. She is complacent n tot I will always b wif her no matter wat she does. So I guess u were also doing d same thing. But it is hard to reach a decision to leave. For me, I knew that once I made that decision, it means my heart has died and it is a point of no return.

Good luck, Esther. Whatever it is, be strong. No matter how much pain u feel, it will not last forever... Now I am happily attached to another lady.
 
Hi Ester,

B4 u decide to let go, u need to learn wat has caused the current relationship go downhill. At least u dont bring this into ur next relationship. D communication didnt break down in a day. It was gradual... but he must be willing to talk to u about what was lacking...

U can tell him that u want to fix this but it takes 2 hands to clap. He must know that if he continues this behaviour, sooner or later u will leave. For yourself, u cannot live like this forever. U need to give urself some reasonable cutoff time, so that in case u go, u wont regret not waiting longer. N if u wait, at least u know how long more to wait. But if u let him know this deadline, make sure u carry out your actions by this deadline. If not, he will b more complacent
 
Hi esther, nice to know another cat lover here ;)

Well, ur situation is too similar to my fren's fren... Actually I dunno what's the latest news now but last I heard, she also had to pay the huge reno bills for her flat. Even tho she's an accountant, she had to take on part time accounting jobs to make ends meet.. it's really sad. And her hb just can't be bothered to help at all.. always puts her down and scolds her. He also abused her beloved dog
sad.gif
As my fren's fren is quite over-weight, she also developed a low self-esteem and never thot abt leaving her hb cos she's afraid she can't find someone else. Pls dun let this happen to u...
 
Hey ester,

while u r still in d relationship, do try ur best... at least, u wont regret one day if u shall decide to go...

I hope things turn out fine for u, whatever the outcome mayb
 
y does he wan u take up an insurance wif him as the beneficiary? dun tell me he treat u this way coz u nv do as he say? if tat the case, i dun tink he really love u...but could hv marry u for another reason.

btw, wen he scold u infront of ur family, ur family member nv step in to help u?
 
1 final word of advice...

A lot of pple are afraid to leave becos they r worried not being able to find another... I too was like that. Mayb due to the mental abuse, it hurt my esteem... But dont feel that way...

Trust me, it is better being single than in an abusive relationship.
 
G-gal,

I am almost an accountant and I am paying reno loan... wow!

What a bastard for abusing both human and animal!! Gosh!! Hope he will be locked up sooN!
 
esther (ppot)

You paid for your reno? Totally or only partially? Be strong and don't let him win. Perhaps its time that you start to take some action. Returning home to your mother for 2 weeks might show him that you mean business.

On counselling, perhaps you can bring him to a marriage counseller who is a male. That might help him see that he is in the wrong...
 
esther, that's an unfortunate similarity :P I certainly hope u dun have to slog away while ur hb continues to play his ps2...
 
Hi Esther,

Based on all the input from your side, I somehow feel that your hubby is the less contributing partner is this relationship, or should I say not contributing at all?

I do know that that are really some such wusses out there that live on their wives, and I definitely hope that your hubby is not one of them. Coz if this is the case, then I will tell you to divorce immediately, as you deserve much much better than this.

I do agree with what KH4545 said, do all you can while in your relationship, and walk away without regrets. Many a time, I have seen people regretted their choice only after they had made them...so don't be one of them.....
 
esther,

I believe your husband have a very traditional MCP mentality towards marriage and have alot expectations of a wife should be. He is disappointed, upset and sour that you didn't fulfill them but he doesn't voice out. The reason of not voicing out have everything to do with his stupid pride and unwillingness to learn how to communicate. You can see how the old man behaves, the son is the chip of the old block. He belongs to the caves. Until he can learn to respect a modern woman, he is only capable of pleasing a cave woman.

In my opinion, the worse nightmare a bride/wife can have. It takes 2 to clap. If you don't want a life with a man like this, then I guess you have to move on. You are no cave woman.
 
Thank you all!

All your opinions means alot to me.
Initially, I am quit reluctant to post my problem here. Compared to those cheating husband, i feel my problem is not a problem as long as I know how to take things more easily. But then sometimes I ask myself, how come i am living in this way?

I will give him the ultimate warning and review him end of this yr. If nothing changes, I really do my best and look forward to my new life!
 
It's the start of 2008 now esther... You're prepared to wait till end 2008? Hmm.. all the best to u. I hope ur hb treasures u from now on.
 
esther, My view is that your hb don't respect you at all. Waiting till end of 2008 is way too long. Give me 3 to 6 months at the max. After that just separate and it may do wonder for your esteem as well as for your relationships.
 
Esther, I don't mean to discourage you from working on your marriage...but you need to know that it takes two to tango. You cannot be the only party interested in and making efforts to work on the marriage. If so, you would know roughly what outcome you will face at the end of three, six or 12 months. I was once in your situation though I divorced on a completely different sets of unreasonable behaviours on his part. In the six-year marriage, I was the only one interested in and making efforts to help him and salvage the marriage. It felt terribly lonely, meaningless and tiring to be doing it alone. Today, though I am single, I feel happier and more carefree. I am surrounded by caring family, friends, colleagues and some animals at home.
 
Ester

this is what I believe:

woman does not necessarily need to rely on a man to give you happiness but he should certainly NOT be the source of your unhappiness

I don't usually advocate divorce but this is worth considering in your circumstances

how to live with a man who keep trashing your self-esteem for 3 years?
 
This is rather controversial... there is this website (www.mate4themarried.com) that basically says the way to get out of your type of situation is find a outlet... the website helps people who are not happy in their marriage find a partner who is also married... don't know if this is what you want... it may become quite revengeful...
 
Yeah.. i think this webbie would bring more harm then good.

I can't believe people would create such webbies...

*Faints!
 
hi Esther,

"Initially, I am quit reluctant to post my problem here. Compared to those cheating husband, i feel my problem is not a problem as long as I know how to take things more easily."


- Actually your problem is much worse than a cheating spouse... it's a mentally abusive spouse. and half the time, spouses like u are not aware that u're being abused becos the cuts get deeper gradually before the previous scars heal... before u know it, u're used to the cuts, the pain and u no longer see the scars...

this guy is not a guy, he is not the right guy for anyone. Men like this have no place being a hubby nor bfren, seriously... If u love him - rescue him from this Stupor of empty ego... There is Ego, and there is ego... Ego in a successful highflyer is something we deal with. ego in a guy who plays games, does nothing constructive nor fruitful in life and treats u like Sh!t is something u dun even tolerate for a minute.

do what u can to rescue him, if he is gonna be staying in this state - Then it's time u rescued yourself... cos if i was your brother/father, i would really wanna rescue u... u deserve much more...
 
yo people,

Speaking from a man's point of view, and someone who has spent 1.5 years with an abusive partner, I think we ought to look at it from another angle...

Let's put away words like MCP, etc. one may not be MCP but may turn someone u dont know under resentments. There r couples who went thru even worse but am glad that they stayed together no matter what to discover a stronger bond.

The qn to Ester is : Do you know him to be like this b4 marriage? If yes, I guess u wouldnt have married him. And if yes, and u still married him, it was your choice. But if no, this means he has some hidden resentment which has to be worked out either by himself or both. Your hb used to be very nice b4 marriage. But after sometime, things changed... These negative behavior stems from some resentment he has bottled inside him but he may find it difficult to talk about them. Counselling is 1 way to get him to speak. It may help both rediscover each other and remember the love that used to be there. Or getting another common friend to talk to him also can. Or if u know his "brothers", this may help... 1 last resort or shortcut, is to just give him some space, leave him to some emptiness, separate for a while to let d both of u think abt the relationship. But when u leave, dont leave indefinitely and leave things in d air.. U may say that after X months, u guys will meet up to talk. At least, u give him a deadline to think.

By d way, some pple are not used to the "loss of freedom" after marriage and displays unreasonable behavior... not sure if ur hb is one of them. Resentments can even be hidden reasons like impotency or some illness... can be anything he doesnt want to talk abt.

All d best! Both of u have come a long way so try your best. U r the only one who knows when to quit or stay.
 
Esther, yuu do not need to wait till end of 2008 to realize if he is trying at all. Do talk to him and monitor his sincerity to work things out. You must let him know you mean business.

kh4545,
maybe you have not been reading Esther's posts in detail.
1) Esther have said that he wasn't so before marriage.
2) She have been to counselloring with her husband blushing the advise as 'siding' with woman because counsellor is a woman!
3) To me, it is already very clear of one thing. His pride. And look at how his dad behaves too... exactly like him. All these are indication on the kind of guy we are dealing with.

Quote from Esther :
"seriously..he isnt like this in the past...
i asked him before what did i do to make him so angry? I asked him since i am always wrong, how should i change or improve to make this marriage works. He didnt answer me. He thinks i am being unreasonable and asked me to quit talking... He always tell me that all women are unreasonable and troublesome...
He doesnt "teach" outsiders. He said I am his wife that's why he teaches me."

I really wonder what is he trying to teach esther? To be quiet and contented with an always angry non communicating husband?

It takes 2 to clap. Esther have been the one trying and seeking professional help and everything. The husband is the one that is so damn bo song with her. I agree that not many pple will be very nice and pleasant with resentments bottled up. If he isn't going to open up despite Esther's every attempt, don't you think its time for him as a man to be more proactive and responsible for his own emotions?

He doesn't need a mate to babysit patiently waiting for him to grow up. He doesn't have what it takes to be married. He needs to get on his feet and wake up by himself regardless whether Esther wants to continue with him or not. This is for his own good.
 
hmm... granted...

I see that esther has gone thru this for at least 2 yrs so I guess it is time to make a decisive move of, at least separation for a while. I agree that hb needs to wake up by himself but I guess that needs some kind of stimulant... In my opinion, Ester's leaving can be such a stimulant.
 
Hi esther (ppot), I'm in the same situation as u now. Just that the difference is me and him are living with his parents for 2 months after our AD.

His bloody mouth can't stop critizing me everyday. I wonder how many negative adjectives are left with to describe me. Without fail everyday, he's sure to say that I'm this no good, that no good, ranging from the most frequently used "selfish, self centered, lazy" to "greedy, spoilt brat" etc.

I have been trying to do the things that he wants me to do already but the things that I hope he can do (for example to accompany me to shop for clothes), he will nag, grumble and critize. And on the other hand, he keeps critizing how bad I look, how old fashioned and no taste and poor sense in dressing.

Also, whenever I tell him unhappy things that happen at my workplace, during quarrels, he will bring it up and say "No wonder they can't stand you, no wonder others cannot work with you" Seems that I deserve it, I ask for it. etc. My purpose of telling him is to seek comfort from him, not to get another criticism from him (or adding another negative thing to his list abt me!)

With such verbal abuse drumming into my ear every day, there's no more self esteem left in me. I don't even want to quarrel with him anymore 'coz in the end, there's no solution and I'm the one who's crying.

May I know what's your decision?
 
Ha ha u sound abit like me ...but my situation is worse than you u can read my story at the tread below you haha ...but is l dun wan to have sex with my huaband..caus dun have feeling for him anymore ..like you l wish he will had a affair outside then he will divorce with me den i can be with my bf liao..
 
Hi lonelygal,

I understand how you feel...initiatly being naive, i told him of my problems. Without fail, he will made fun of it..Just like you husband, he will said no wonder your colleagues, boss, family, friends dun like u, no wonder you hv no friends etc...he made it sounded like nobody likes me.. Being the closest person in my life, of course i need some sympaties and supports from him, since he couldnt give me so now i will just keep it to myself!

I told him that if he still didnt change, i will disclose our problems infront of my parents during one of the weekly gathering.. He laughed at me but he did try to be nicer to me but as usual, he would be able to last for more than 2 days.

I am waiting for such opp. I told him i will wait until the end of yr, i own him and myself one last chance.

I am not in a position to advise you. I let this man abused me for 3 yrs already. I hope whatever decision you made, you will have a better and happier life.
 
Hi,

I would like to ask for some advice.
I'm married with my husband for 6yrs and last year Sep he had an affair .He said he still want to come back to the family for the sake of our children but his love with me is no longer exist.
I'm considering a divorce with him hence I need to know how can I win 100% custody on my 2 children. We've a 5rm hdb flat, and is going to 5yrs this year June. His salary is slightly above mine. How much maintaince cost will I get for 2 children ? I'm worry because I'm afraid my salary alone is not enough for my children education and caregiver. My children is 2yrs and 4yrs.
 
Hi Sophia

According to what I know for most cases, the couple will get joint custody but care custody is usually awarded to the mother of the children.

Your HDB flat can be disposed of upon maturity with profit or loss distributed according to the respective CPF contribution ratio. This can be done before the divorce proceedings commences so that there is one less thing for the Court to look into. However, the only disadvantage I can see with this is, you will face housing issue for your children and yourself sooner than later.

As for child support, your lawyer should advise you on a realistic amount to ask for based on the children's needs and your husband's income. The Court will decide how much you will get eventually.

Hope the helps.
 
sophia,

If I may add. Since you hb has no more feelings for you and you agreed to the divorce, try to make it as painless as possible.

As for the children, it is best for both parents to have as much time with the children. This means joint custody (and this is what the court will favour) but care and control under one parent - usually the mother has the advantage, especially so if they are still at the matrimonial flat.

Try to involve your hb in their upbringing and then he will also feel responsibile to contribute money as well as time and emotional support to the children.

An amicable divorce will also be less costly and will be good for you in the long term.
 
Hi Esther,

Wow 5 cats! Cat lover here too.
happy.gif


Ok. You mean you ROMed only but without wedding gown? That's ok.

To me, a wedding ceremony is just a 1 day event. Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime. People will forget what you wear or how you look almost immediately after your wedding. And your photos are chucked aside after that.

But the love between a married couple has to be worn for your whole life. That's what's most important.

Love is strange. Divorce is even a harder thing to explain. I don't think even the best counsellor has all the reasons to explain it or skills to always prevent one. (Unfortunately, my earlier attempt to supposedly help understand divorce better and hopefully, prevent it, was spoilt by some irritating fellas in the forum.)

I've always wondered as a young lad, how can 2 people who walked down the aisle so lovingly or exchanged their marriage vows, one day, say: "Enough. I want a divorce."?

As I grew older, I read a lot of books, and gleaned experiences from people about life in general, which includes marriage, raising kids and the D-word.

The scary thing is, people do change according to times and circumstances. I thought I read your earlier post on your marrying him due to a lack of suitors? As in, you have a small circle of friends and only had one partner previously?

If so, this is a possible cause of a marriage going sour. There are some women who marry because they have only met a very small handful of guys in their life. So before understanding deeper the person, it's easy to think you want to settle down with him, based on whatever little behaviour you have observed from him.

Now, on his part, he could have also contributed to the problem you are facing now. As in, he did good things for you in the past -- a stark contrast with his present behaviour -- which touched you. (And that made you decide he was the one for you.)

I'm sure you have heard that in a relationship, there is the so-called "honeymoon period". I didn't know or quite believe it at first. I thought, Wow, if I love someone, it's forever. What can go wrong? Lots!!

The question and problem is, How long do you have to be with someone to get to know the person well? Theoretically, a lifetime. But of course we can't wait that long. Along the way, you start to realize there are some disagreements. If they are seemingly minor and can be resolved, you stick with the person. If it becomes major, you leave the relationship. Sounds simple.

So we form our opinions within a span of a few months or years usually, before deciding the settle down with him/her.

Unfortunately, after that, it's almost like a whole new ball game. People have a wide spectrum of behaviours and interests. Some are shown explicitly, others are hidden and waiting to be unleashed.

What you are seeing in your husband now is probably those hidden behaviours you never saw or expected before marriage.

Moreover, before a marriage, things seem so rosy because you do not have to deal with certain things, like living together, doing things together and the need to make compromises to your lifestyle. From what I read, your husband doesn't love you anymore. Painful as it may be -- but I'll still say it here -- he treats you like a pest because you are in his way of leading the kind of life he wants. And as the days go by, he gets bolder and bolder. The two of you have lost that "chemistry". Or he finds there are other women out there who are more attractive than you.

Also, the difficult thing about relationships is, people tend to put on their best behaviours during the initial stages of courtship. You want to show the person the best side of you. This is indeed misleading.

Much said, about the only advice I can give you now is: You must talk it out with him soon. Let him know how you feel. What must be done? Think back to the better days of why both of you decided to get married. Bring those feelings back. But if you can't find solid reasons, the marriage is heading for a disaster.

I think communication is the only way to sort things out. It's not easy but ultra important. A marriage is easy to get into but far from easy to maintain. For example, along the way, we will get tempted. We meet people, and we find that they could be more suitable for us compared to our spouses. What are we going to do?

I always believe a better partner is out there, but since one lifetime is so limited, it is certainly not possible to divorce and re-marry all the time. In reality, it is too taxing emotionally and financially.

Indeed, keeping a marriage alive is like growing a plant. It constantly needs watering and care to grow strong roots.

So how do you build on and salvage a marriage? If you can find some strengths in the marriage, work on those and build your foundation upon them. What about the dozens of weaknesses? Do not avoid them. Learn rather, how to accept them, make compromises, and consider alternatives. In short, magnify the strengths, and shrink the weaknesses.

Contrary to what some people think, a marriage without problems is NOT necessarily a genuine one. Either it's a boring one (one party is almost always the accepting side), or somebody's faking some behaviours! The better we are able to solve problems in a marriage, the stronger it becomes. It's like working out in the gym. You are actually breaking down the muscles, but they grow stronger after that.

BUT.... if you cannot find any strengths left in your marriage, as in there is no solution to the obstacles, or you really married for the wrong reasons, then sadly, I can only say, splitting up may be the only solution left. Do it sooner, if need be, than let the wound fester longer within you.

Good luck.
 

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