Should i Divorce pls read and give me advice

S

sawat

New Member
i know my wife at 2007.i married my wife at 2009. im 33 and shes 31and a thai.Before we married theres times i cant get her and shes working part time and sudying. I feel in love with her and told to stop working and i supported her for the last few semester so that she can concentrate on her studies, getting a degree will help me get a PR for her in Singapore.

We married after she get her cert.She left me 4 month after our marriage initially was a visit her family and in the end up its was a work interview in thailand and she work for one year . During this time she dont let me go over to see her saying she work night shift at airport and 4 off days a month. She is trying to save some money back home so i dont have to worry too much for the expencess in thailand when she is back in Singapore.She only came back and stay here for less then 1 month during the year and a half year.

When she came back i found out tru face book that she have been with a guy all the years she left me alone here. I see photos of them going to pattya for holiday kissing hugging and bed photos.They celebrate Valentine days together and she even brought him to the familly and relative to celebrate 2010 new years day. I was very depress and puzzled why she came back if shes so happy there during that time. We didnt talk for a week untill she wrote me two letters that she is sorry and ask me to forgive her. She would go back if i cant forgive her.

We talk it out and she told me she was with the guy before she know me. They broke off and i get to know her after thats why she came to singapore to married me and the guy is the past. So i forgave her.

My wife left me again telling me her mum is going for a eye operaton . Her mum fell down after one week of the operation and she told me she need to stay longer. I have trouble contacting her and she could only call me once a day or off her phone. She send me this message
( Although after reading this, it may hurt you, but i think i need to tell you all which kept in my heart for some period. i have been thinking for a very long time, i decided to stay in Thailand to look after my mom and i cant be with you anymore. Thats not the life i want and my family and friends are all here. Therefore i cant leave here. Hope you can understand my situiation and i really feel thankful for everything you gave me in life. Please forgive me and forget me. Take good care of yourself.)

After Reading this i was puzzled cos she was happy here and she even keep some cloths that she wore to sleep in a plastic bag, telling me she will be back in a week and dont want my mum to wash for her. We plan to go for PR interview and many other stuff. I manage to talk to her and ask her to come back, i ask her to give me more time to make everything right for her this time round i will make her feel better and not to worry about the medical cost at thailand. I felt she might want to work again to top up on the medical bills. In the end she told me that she is going to stay at her uncle house as there will have no flood and its more convinent for her mum. Cos her house need to climb stairs to the bed room. The uncle house have no connection and she would try to call me everyday by driving out to her home. And she promise she will be back after her mum got for another eye operation on nov 8. I work overtimes trying to save the 5k plus for the medical bills. which she told me that she dont need cos she have it. But i just wanted to give to her cos im her husband i feel thats the least i can do for her. I also went for thai lesson just so i could talk to her and her family better. I plan to go english course with her so she dont feel bored and bring her to thai embassy to have more intraction with thai people so she can make friends here.

During the few days on the phone, I sence that things is not right so i log in to the secret facebook i created to spy on that guy. I found photos that they are together again, this time she travel to malaysia to find him as his working there.

Im so depress now i feel so stupid to believe her stories , can anyone advice me on what should i do? im Really lost. i feel like the third party and why she marry me at the first place. I still love her but i really dont know how to share my wife with other guy. Should i let her go even though i feel really hurt and lost now.

I worried a lawyer will cost me a fortune cos im not a high earner. I need to wait till she come back one day which i dont know when. I really need some advice. i Feel ashame to talk to anyone even my family members how do i let my mum knows about this, she will be very hurt.
Sorry for my bad english im not good at writing
 


I think you already know what to do.

As for the lawyer part... Simple, since you have no money, I'd help you lah~

Once a wife disappear for a period of time you can annul it on your side. Keep those photos of them together. Although it is generally six months grace period (since you last discovered adultery) for the 'evidence' to be valid, but this sort of case is judge-by-judge case. The intend to cheat is still with her... if she contests.

I think your wife still appreciates your love towards her, or she'd just steal and con and fight for alimony and whatever... But she obviously isn't in love with you. Yes. To woman, marriage can be a decision lah~ You read alot in this forum.

Go to http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/1809308.html?1320026738

"Frankly, if I were you, given such an 'unhealthy marriage' at present and the very little likelihood of 'my man' to improve and turn around, I would try all my means (e.g. sell flat, get a smaller flat to earn some $, get own relatives to help take care of kids while I work, find a better job in terms of pay & prospects or that provides that stability for me to take care of family) to leave the marriage and give my best to my kids. The only people I'll say sorry to and goodbye will be his parents."

Read what Denise80 told Justdoit, and understand this type of 'selfish' women. LOL~

Basically, if you know the legal bullshits, you can do it yourself, and bypass the stupid middle man. In your case, it's perfectly ok, since she is like not going to be around to contest anything.

Your wife at least have the courtesy to lie. She knows she is in the wrong...

Trust me, if that man is good and decent and he realises your wife is just a woman, what do you think will be her fate?

Question is, will you accept her back after this third attempt to cheat you.

I sense you ain't a romantic chap... but a simple heart hoping to do more... decent enough, but... you'd need plenty of money to be so... wooden.

Don't feel hurted. She is 'fighting' for her happiness... I think she married you probably because she felt responsible towards your love. In a way, she isn't really a bad girl at heart, but she definitely doesn't love you.

Remember, marriage and love are two issues to some women.

When times are good, your marriage will be blessed; when you got into troubles... forget the vows, there will be women advising women to get out of 'unhealthy marriage'. And yours is one unhealthy marriage not based on love.

She is not your One, big boy.

Remember, she is not evil, she just... is selfish. She also told you, it's not the life she wants... when she is presented with something... richer. She never married you because she loves you.

I think you already know.

Well... this is women, like it or not.
 
Thanks scope. She should be willing to sign the divorce paper. I still know her character if I found out her fault she will admit. I still can assess the pass years photos of her with the guy in his facebook. What you suggest I should do If I want to let go. I need to make it fast if she is back I want it to be done and ask her to leave. If it drags I afraid I can't let go
 
Another free legal advise...

If you ANNUL based on her disappearing for 3~4 years, you don't need her to sign the divorce.

Very simple, I don't think she'd come back UNLESS that guy has played enough of her... then you may be the spare tyre. That's why you have to consider what to do with her in that case.

Women, as you can see from this forum alone... are easily confused, stupid and have many excuses. Like I said, USUALLY decent guys won't be serious with your wife if they know she is married and still so...

Next thing, you have to admit it that there should be tons of Denise80s telling your wife she deserves better, get out of the marriage, find someone better, live for yourself and bla bla bla... the end for your wife won't be good, and you can't handle it. You are the one who deserve better, and there are girls out there looking for decent guys who don't make much.

At least Maia Lee is looking for decent guys. LOL~

If she ever comes back, this is to be the third time she cheats. But... it'd usually be a tough time for her because she is likely to be dumped. Or touchwood... she is persuaded to be back to con you.

Whatever it is, she is committing adultery when you are lawfully married. Whether she signs the papers or not... you can 'sue her' under Women's Charters and file for divorce.

If this is not enough to 'get over her'... actually I think your problem is you are not sure if you can find another.

Trust me... finding love is difficult, finding women is focking easy. Besides, there is no real love in this. Since she is happily away, if you love her, pray that the guy is true to her.

But of course... what's the chance? LOL~

By the way, you really believe her mother got eye problem???

If you don't mind Singaporean girls' low cultural level, petty, silly, ridiculous, crazy, smartalec... seriously, there are many many many walking single girls out there waiting for you in Singapore.

No need to thank me. I think you already know the end before you even begin here...
 
TS, your marriage is less than three years, and you can't apply for divorce now unless you have special reasons. As for annulment, I do not believe you can annul due to abandonment. Try desertion when you apply for divorce after your marriage hits three years. However, you need to satisfy the court that you have exhausted ways and means to contact your wife but failed. Let a lawyer guide you in the legal procedure.
 
never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents always teach us to give our used toys to the less fortunate.
 
Doll,

It is possible to annul. But you need to 'create' some other issues. LOL~

Case study: A man married a thai, the thai after realising the family is only average took the ring, the money and 'fled' back to Thailand (within a week of marriage).

The man 'discharged' the marriage within a month.

The case happened about 10 years ago.
 
That guy just unload three more photos. Haiz.......
Feel so sad I'm working like hell they so happy
 
u can't annul, u needs to get permission from the judge on special grounds that the marriage is causing extreme hardship
 
Thanks do I really need a lawyer. And roughly how much it cost. My friend send me some contacts. I'll call tomorrow. If any one can help me so that I don't need to go round checking. Do I need to print out the photos to show the lawyer or can I not use a lawyer ?
 
Thomas,

Many people annul based on all sorts of reasons; or you can wait and apply divorce after X years.

If you are not representing yourself, you can use a lawyer. The photos should be saved as a backup. Actually, the msg she sent you to cut off relationship should be already enough.

Let find a woman who will love you, Thomas.
 
I called legal aid today they tell me to wait for one more year before I can divorce my wife. They also ask me to go try find a lawyer. I can't divorce can I annul ? Do I Ned a lawyer to do that or is there any way I can settle it my self.
 
I expected to call legal aid. LOL~

You have to annul, and you can. But to do so, you'd need to know how to handle the judge.

You can settle it yourself. Find out the updated proceedures from the court, apply for time if need be with the judge, find out the papers you'd need to DRAFT and submit.

Basically, if you find a lawyer, that's what he'd do FOR you; and he'd represent you to say 'yes yes yes', and you got divorced officially. You either do it yourself or pay him lah to do it for you~

Women's Charter is an international law... To be honest, without WO, you don't even need the judge... But that also means you don't really need the lawyer. LOL~

Actually in a real legal procedure as in your case, you can just do it yourself. Only a dumb judge will say no to your application.

Now you know why people who paid $3000 to lawyers are idiots? LOL~
 
Thanks Scope. You really give me very good advice. I got one last question. Please read tru and let me know what u feel. I that she left me all of a sudden there is a reason. Not just the guy alone. That guy looks old should be 40s she did told me before that guy use to take care of her. I feel that the guy maby is still sending money or other stuff all this time even after we married. My wife send me a voice message during the time her mum at hospital. ( baby its me. I have something to tell you. I need to go oversea to work. I know it hurt you. I don't know when I can come back. maby you can find a better girl then me. Ok I have to go. I love you baby) while she is here she did tell me she is worried she can't find a job here. If need to wait till she get PR she might be 33. After the voice mail i manage to talk to her and she promise to come back
That guy if I'm not wrong owns a media company. That's maybe the reason she study mass com. I just feel that I should at least let her tell me the reason why she do this. I'm prepare to face the bad reason. I really feel bad she left me if she need to work and I didn't give her the chance to live in Singapore. I'm also afraid she have other reason shes not telling me. What you think.
 
Thomas, I don't have any legal advice for you because I don't know anything about that.
I just want to share my thoughts on your situation. I just feel that you haven't really given all up on her and you seem to be 'creating reasons' for her to make yourself feel better. It's been very clear that she doesn't love you anymore and has moved on in her life with another man. It doesn't matter anymore what reasons she gives you. What is clear here is she has given up on you and you really should just move on to be kind to yourself. If she truly loves you, she should have waited for you. If she truly loves you, she wouldn't have married you only to leave you. Your ego may be hurt because of her betrayal or departure but you don't have to bruise your ego further by dragging such unhappiness. Hope you could find a closure in the least painful way soon.
 
Thomas,

Dear... you think too much.

Obviously in her immature heart... alot of people would have told her as well... as well as her mother PROBABLY...

"Why marry a poor Singaporean when you can marry to a rich media boss?"

Your wife... could be thinking... you are a good man, she'd just marry you, try to find a job and see if she can fulfill a life with you... so that she doesn't need to entertain an old man...

So... to her now at this point, marriage to you... when you are after all a foreigner... can be... just an option.

You have to understand the LEGAL ENVIRONMENT is very different in Thailand outside Singapore even though Woman's Charters is an international law. But Womans' Charters doesn't mean an international marriage database. Which is...

To her, she can just forget about the marriage in TINY Singapore, and marry someone else... AS LONG AS you did not report her for marrying again, nobody will realise she marries someone else.

In fact... The interesting thing about marriage laws is, if you were to be divorced... in say, China... AS LONG AS you don't declare it in Singapore, the authority can still qualify you for say... HDB application. As long as you never declare for life, for life you will be considered married.

LOL~

Darling...

What do I think...

I am thinking... Are you telling me you are ready to fight with this media boss for her?

LOL~

Seriously. The issue is not you. You DON'T have the option. It's about your wife's thinking. And to your wife... She is still 'available'. Which means...

It's not love, my dear.

So you are really thinking too much.

But if you ask me... will your wife come back...

I say possible.

That man is a 40yo media boss... EVEN if your wife is beautiful, he'd have exposure to all sorts of beauties in this circle... Why your wife ONLY? See?

And why compete with you? You are nothing.

So your wife is highly possibly just a 'girlfriend'... a play thing, and your wife possibly think "If I try harder, MAYBE I'd be able to lock the 40yo man down..."

Trust me, she doesn't love that man more than she doesn't love you.

Many local women will be facing this sort of 'competition' from naive women... as your wife.

What do I think...

No no no... What do you think?
 
I pretty sure the guy is not very rich. But who knows. I can see his Facebook everyday. About section he puts I love (wife's name).

What I want to ask is. I have decided to let her go I shouldn't even let her tell me why she do it? It looks very messy I'm not so good at writing. She is really not bad when shes at home but things always change when she reach Thailand.
I guess the housewife thing and can't work to earn money and she did told me she don't like the feeling of asking money from me. She wants to earn it her self. I feel very heartless not even giving her a chance to tell me what happen, even I know she did wrong
 
Thomas,

I know what you want.

And I told you that long piece.

Of course she told you she wanted to work...

Thomas, you got to understand how she thinks...

No matter what it is... She is NOW with another man AGAIN.

That's the whole point.

What chance you want to give her... to let her tell you how the man's dick is inserted into her...?

You can still find out why after you divorced. It's not heartless. Remember, stick it into your brain, burn this into your skull... Marriage is ONLY a system.

I don't know what fate has in store for she and you in the future... Maybe she matures, feels love for you, and she comes back FOREVER... You can still marry her AGAIN, IF SO.

You can choose... It's all up to you. To wait for her against the odds, or to divorce. If you divorce, you can still wait for her.

There is nothing about heartless.

She has been all about excuses. Even if she 'explains', what makes you think she is going to tell you how she and him happily focked?

Baby... Like I said, what do you think???
 
She is calling me everymorning. What should I tell her. Can teach me I'm not the type of person that can use hush words I really dono what to do. There is sure times I answer the call accidentally
 
Thomas,

Be nice and diplomatic, tell her you are applying for divorce and mention legal aid to convince her.

And see how she replies...

Remember, you are only an option for her... ONLY an option.

If she comes back, then it's time to confront her.
 
Thanks Scope. If we are fated we can be together end of the days. I'll go for the legal things my self.
Ill answer her call tomorrow and hope she just tells me she is happy with her live now and I can get it over with it.
I want to thanks everyone that share and gave me opinions. I really needed it. THANKS
 
It has been a good time... at least. Tell you are happy with her all those years, you love her...

Sad for you. But life goes on.
 
sorry so i dont tell her i know she is with that guy right? i just tell her i dont want to wait like this any more?
 
don't worry thomas, there are better girls in chiang mai...look on the bright side, at least she have enough guts to admit her mistake.
 
Thomas,

Just tell her you are applying for divorce, and observe her reply.

Even if you are divorcing, you won't be divorced overnight.
 
I also never imgaine i can accept that. The last time i found out she told me she quarrel with him and came to singapore to find me. I felt like the third party. I accepted her cos she wrote two letters telling me she is sorry and will go back to thailand. She feels terrible that i dont talk and touch her for almost a week. All i do is buy food for her and left her alone and came home late at nite. she also told me she and the guy is past blah blah blah..... i know i still love her so i forgave her and tell her we start all over.

This time round i just know i love her thats why i dont even want to confront her, afraid she wont come back. She promise to come back after she settle her things there. Untill now i still dont hate her i still blame my self for not giving her what she wanted in her life. I realise i have mistakes also. i told her before this is my first marriage. If i make mistake please talk to me. At times im content with what i a have and what im doing.

When she feels like eating stingray i will bring her or old airport road Super long que tau hua i also que with her etc .... Weekends its either NTUC or movies and shopping, my friends is all coffee shop talking kakis. Even at times i tell her its so boring and she is the one telling me that is life she cheers me up. when shes here i dont even go meet my friend once a month. But my buddies understand.

Im quite busy with work sometimes i also bring work home. i Stop all of them this time round shes with me. Thats why i dont understand what happen to her im 100% sure she didnt plan to do this to me just that things always change when shes back home at thailand. Guess its either friends or Family Or that stupid guy.(i HATE HIM)

This time round i know she is with him.. its hurts me everyday my work is also effected. i sleep less then 3 hours and eat only one meal a day, thats why i think i have to let her go. I feel better that at least she is with that guy and is safe now. Thanks to scope i really see a lot more then this. She will come back one day if we are fated to be together. She is the one that i truly love in my life. I gave up on a few good SG gals and choose her. Everything change since i meet her. After Married and not able to be together is very painful. I waited for one year plus i dont want to go tru it again.I still dont know when i can delete all the happy memorise in my Iphone and PC and our wedding photos. but i will do it one day.

I dont know if i could find someone i love anymore. If i could choose i would rather my partner would love me more then i love her.
 
Thomas, don't be disillusioned by this experience. You must believe that you could find someone whom you love and who loves you mutually. Love cannot be quantified so it's not about who loves who more. Sometimes to love others is a gift, not necessarily about pain. I find it funny that you hate that guy. You must understand that it's her decision after all to marry you and leave you. It's also your decision to marry her. Instead of blaming the guy, her family etc, do reflect on yourself because only your self-reflection and realisation brings you far in life. I'm sure you would become stronger after this incident and be more sensitive to how your future partner feels towards you and thinks about you. I feel you're so in love with loving her that you probably wrote every negative sign off as reasonable and thus things escalated to this stage. Don't stop believing in love because you may miss the next boat if you do.
 
For every failed marriage / relationship, whether you are male/female, victim or culprit, it's important to reflect. It always takes two hands to clap. I'm surprised you can't even see this point. Or...are you too quick to judge that in all failed marriages, it's always the woman's fault and that's why asking Thomas to reflect is like a 'sick advice' to you?
 
I reflected denise80. But my wife dont give me the chance to do what i promise i even went for thai lesson. I talk to her in Thai over the phone and she still choose not to tell me where she is who she with and what she doing. i have to find out my self.
 
I'm beginning to feel that you have personally suffered a failed marriage/relationship, Scope, that made you rather quick to feel sorry for the men while quick to judge the women negatively. When women had failed marriages cos their husbands had affairs, you actually pointed out that they have to reflect why their husbands had affairs and that it's all because they haven't made the right decision on 'The One' or that they swept their problems under the carpet. Hasn't it occurred to you that Thomas also had made the wrong decision about 'The One' and that he's also trying to sweep problems under the carpet by giving his wife chances to explain herself over and over again? I still go back to the key point that for every failed marriage or relationship, whether you're the victim or culprit, you got to reflect so that you don't make the same mistake again.
 
hi Thomas, reflecting is not just to save the marriage. It is for yourself. Even after moving on, you can benefit from past lessons.
 
No, Thomas, you still don't get me. Your fault is not about what you could do for your wife. Your reflection should be about how come you didn't sense your wife's unhappiness earlier or each time she disappeared, how come you kept forgiving her and inventing reasons for her? How come you hadn't sensed that perhaps she really doesn't love you that much? How come there weren't clear communication on how she's going to lead a marriage life with you in Singapore?

Lastly, you're a good man and I know you love her but it's super duper clear that she doesn't love you as much as you love her and this is something you can't control at this stage. This is something you should have realised before marriage.
 
Denise80,

Go on probing Thomas and you'd find out why I find you sick...

I think you are out of your brains this time I see you.

You people are TRULY sick. Cursed...
 
Yes, like what Milo said, reflecting is for your own good in the future. You should not be thinking about saving the marriage because her stand is very clear. Do not waver. Be strong and move on but as you heal your wounds, reflect on what went wrong and how this experience would help you in the next relationship/marriage.
 
Thanks Milo and Denise,i got it,Yea i learnt a lot this time. I really hope things will work out for her i believe i can move on.
 
i feel thomas is just a poor lover in a marriage.
what he needs to reflect on is, being expressive with the lady he loves, work a little smarter and take time to enjoy life with his loved ones.

is only natural to blame outside parties when one partner stray, so far i have never read a case of a lady blaming herself when her hubby cheats on her...
 
It's heartening to know that despite being in this situation, Thomas, you still understand where Milo and I are coming from. I believe you would heal first and really hope you would meet someone who really deserves your love, time and commitment. Just don't give up hope on love.
 
Arsenal,

have lah. I've read before on how women tried to check on their husbands and felt guilty at the same time and claimed that they know it's wrong but they just can't help it.

Actually I don't feel Thomas is a poor lover in a marriage. He just loved the wrong person and didn't realise this earlier. With the right person, he'll be blessed with a wonderful relationship.
 
shit happens in life. We can all come up stronger from it. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
 
I'm not talking about ladies who are paranoid about their husbands external activities.

shit happens for a reason, either you wise up after knowing the truth or you simply sweep the issue under the carpet.
 
yea i tought so too arsenal. But my wife just always say shes ok and happy. Im a good husband i treat her well. how i wish she would quarrel with me sometimes.
She came from a poor family and she told me she loves money, i cant seem to change her mind. Who dont love money i also do but we must be content with what we have. I really dont know what she wants. She always dont need anything. Staying together is not easy, both parties must comunicate and talk a lot. My wife always have nothing to tell me.

My family always ask me why she always go back longer then she stays here, i always cover up for her. telling them she will come back and everything will be ok. I think i make a mistake to let her do what she wants, i see it coming but i choose believe that if i show her i really love her it will change.
 
yea...there is one whose hubby cheated on her before...and thereafter, they made up but the wife feels guilty for always checking on him

then another whose hubby cheated on her and she strives to make herself beautiful again in order to capture her hubby's heart - in this case, I guess instead of blaming the third party, she decided to makeover herself as she did take some blame for her hubby's lack of interest in her?

many more stories but the trend is of course when things go wrong, the victims usually would spend more time healing (as a result, divert the blame etc) than reflecting - it's the way of life...
 
Thomas,

These people are sick and idiotic... and you chose to be misled...

Tell me, if you get a second wife... will you go on and confront her, quarrel with her and you think by controlling her you can change anything...?

Seriously...

You guys using any brains at all?

Do you really know what is the main problem you got, Thomas?

Denise80,

You people are just focking smartalecs!
 


well, perhaps i was lucky to be able to advice this lady in sbf to patch back with her husband.
though she does suffer from lsd, i remembered telling her the fault does not lie with her condition, more as if whether she want to make an effort to work it out with the husband.
on the other hand, i was also encouraging her hubby to keep up his good work by trying to woo back the wife in his own "guilty" thread.
guess she went to learn whatever tips in that forum and their physical life improved as a result.

anyway, just glad that there is one less broken family in the society.
 
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