Seeking some advise

[berrypie78]

I would like to seek advise from kind soul out there on my bros case. Ok, my bros has been married for only 2 years and they do not have kids yet. The thing is his work require him to work shift, and my sister in law has been very insecure cos my bros cant keep her company on weekends or some evenings, she will turn -ve, and imagine my bros got affair..My bros told me when he explained to her, and she dun accept, she will start to pop sleep pills, scratch herself with her long nails, take her hp and hit her own head and keep crying. My bros told me he cant handle her and she has been like this since her miscarriage few months ago. My bros told me he wants to divorce her cos he feel stress to see her keep hurting herself and he worry one day she may kill herself and his in laws may blame him for it. But I feel, to divorce her may make things worst as in what if my sis in law cant take it? Does anyone has similar experiences ? thanks in advance

 

[tizaneh]

she is going through emotional turmoil because she doesn't know how to manage and don't have anyone to turn to.

as a woman, she would feel more comfy to speak to another woman.

most people are taking divorce very lightly these days. when there's a will, there's a way. ur brother should learn to cope and if he really cares abt her, then he shd be helping. if he feels that she has tots of suicide, then my advice is to see the relevant medically trained professional. they would be able to diagnose your brother and sis in law's problems.

 

[two_piece]

It has been only for a few months and your bro wants to divorce her already? Shouldnt he be helping her through it instead? And if one day ur sis-in-law kill herself, ur bro is worried only becos he might get the blame?

My goodness, if i'm ur sis-in-law, i would be the one who want to divorce ur bro...

 

[canbear]

We don't know the actual details.

So maybe he wanted a divorce cos of a stressful experience himself trying unsuccessfully to make his wife see his point. And his wife's behaviour may be erratic to him?

Think it has a lot to do with communication. The man has to really make a big effort to discuss the situation with his wife. If it still fails, then they should seek professional help, either a counsellor or psychiatrist.

It could also be due to depression (partly caused by the miscarriage?) on her part.

 

[miloice]

Although not alot of details but no one except David seems to pick up something very KEY!

"she has been like this since her miscarriage few months ago"

For goodness sake, she has miscarried! Its very easy to blame one party for all the negativity. But, a marriage is a team. In crisis like this, it surely will impact the wife emotionally and psychologically.

Time for your brother to reflect on how supportive has he been to help his wife recover. Instead, I see him worrying about his own self interests about being blamed?!? Pardon me, but what an ass!

Marriage is not a bed of roses. Getting scared over stress, then why even get married? It seems, he doesn't have what it takes.

 

[kimono]

Hi berrypie,
I do experience the same situation as your sis-in-law. We had being married for 3 years and my hubby's job nature is worse than your bro, his job requires 24 hrs on call, and this office handphone is confidential such that i can't view any of his msg, worse still when there's call to this handphone, he'll walk away to answer it. When he received calls at night, there's chances that he have to go back to work. We can't make plan on our activities too cos I hate those disappointment when suddenly a call came and he have to go back to work. I do feel lonely when he's at work and our parent don't stay very near to us. I don't know his jobscope too etc.... So even if he have an affair outside, true enough I won't be able to know. I suffer miscarriage also, sometimes i do feel very emotional and like to think very negatively especially when my hubby is not around or by my side. I do get angry with my hubby for no reason sometimes, that's because my hubby focus too much or spend too much time on his work, and i need to get his attention but of cos i won't hurt myself. He loves his job but when i throw my temper when he's not spending enough time with me, he'll always tell me that he don't mind to quit his job if I want him to. I do feel touch when he is willing to sacrifice his job because of me but of cos i don't like to see him unhappy after changing a job. I trust that he is not fooling around outside, but I just can't control my emotion at times too.

Your sis in law's act of hurting herself is to get attention from your bro, he might have neglect her in some ways and not spending enough time with her....... So instead of standing by her side, your bro choose to walk out on her?
Thus I believe your sis-in-law might not be able to control her emotion, your bro can try to spend more time with her when he's not working. Since you mention he's working shift, he can plan to have meals with her during his off day. Or even cook her a meal. Some effort is needed to save a marriage rather than running away when there's problem.

 

[findingnemo]

I think she has post miscarrige blues/depression. I suggest you ask your bro to bring his wife to see a doctor/specialist immediately.

 

[berrypie78]

David,
U r right, my bros is very stressed by my sis in law. Actually,when he shared with me, I never see him so sad before. He got retrenched and he managed to get this shift job. He told me many times, esp night shift, my sis in law will call him to insist he come home now else she will commit suicide. My bro is so stressed up becos she always threated him, if she dies, her parents will come after him since she is the only daughter! Honestly, my bros has been very tolerant towards her but he is unhappy she never accept what he says, but just hold on to her thinking that my bros is with other woman. I wont say my bros dun stand by her, i think he is more worry he may not be able to take care of her esp during those night shift. A couple of time, he really rushed home and his supervisor already not happy and think he is just giving excuse. When he reached home, my sister in law will be paranoid and asked him where he goes etc.

I try to talk to her before, but she is very negative, bit aggressive too. I told her my bros is very stress at new work place and also very worried for her. But she can tel me on the face, he must be having affairs cos all men are like tat. she is not working now, and whatever time my bros has (except the night shift), he will spent time with her but she will keep quarrel for every small things, like house not clean, sink dirty etc etc. My bros is the one who does the housework and she dun ve to do anything.

I know he is under alot of stress, else he wont tell me about this at all. I did tell him to bring her to see a counsellor or doctor.

yest, when he came home, for the first time i saw his eyes teary in front of me. HE told me my sis in law,is angry with him again, and started to slap him. When he tried to stop her , she shouted at him and insist if he dun allow her to slap to vent her anger, she will jump down...end up, i was told she slapped him 6 times in a row.

Actually , i feel sad for him. He asked me to help him cos he cant cope with new job stress and cant face my sis in law. My bros is those too easy going type while my sis in law is those domineering type.

Hope she will agree to see a doctor, cos apart from depression , i feel is not right to hit anyone. This year they wont join us for reunion dinner cos my sis in law told him she jus want to stay at home and not going anywhere.And she has insist my bros not to come home too.

Anyway, i can only hope for the best for them.

Kimo, thanks for your sharing.

 

[kimono]

Hi Berrypie,
Your sis in law is a serious case, guess need to bring her to see doc asap. In the meantime, ask your bro to talk to his PIL and see if they can help persuade/counsel their daughter if she doesn't listen to any of your bro explanation.

 

[two_piece]

Understand that your bro is under a lot of stress too. But really, divorce wont be the best solution, it'll only worsen your sis in law's condition. It's better to get her to see doctor or counsellor.

For the time being, why not ask both of them to get a 3G phone? So that ur sis in law can see where ur bro is when she's worried. It's quite stupid idea but i think can help to release some of the fear of ur sis in law at least for the time being?

 

[koikoi]

berrypie,

from your second post, your sil is really suffering from depression. Bring her to the doc ASAP. Dun drag... and work hand in hand with her parents. This will be better for her.
The longer you drag, the more she wont go to the doc.