Seeking opinions from ladies

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losingher

New Member
I've been married for 4 years. A few days ago, i found out that my wife is seeing someone behind my back. Her behaviour changed about 3 months back. I'm devastated, but at the same time understand that when such things happen, i cannot blame her entirely.

I reflected on many things over the last few, very painful, days. In summary, i think it's a case of her doing most of the giving, while i'm mostly at the receiving end. I've been true to her since our courtship days; i take my marriage vows very seriously, but I realised that i'm prob such a jerk to her (for losing my way, and forgetting how to love her), but i do know that i love her truely, deeply. I wanted to grow old with her.

My wife doesn't know that i found out about her trysts yet...she says she still love me, but would like things status quo. I would like to believe her, but at the same time, i'm fearful because she seem to have changed to a total different person that can be quite cruel towards me.

I need help cos it's so painful...and it's also taking a toll on my parents who are staying with me. I'll do what i can to win her back, but if her happiness if else where, i'll let her go.

Your opinions pls ladies, or guys.
Can anyone recommend a good marriage counsellor. Do they provide advice on how the assets will be split up? I'm very concerned of my parents needs as they are staying with me.
 


shower her with love again..court her all over again....and see her reactions from where before you decide what to do next?
 
Losingher: I can understand what u mean and your feelings coz I was once like your wife.. How did you find out? I believe all of us will be able to tell if our love one has indeed change through our actions. It is a better way to talk to her and see what can be done. She has to make a choice eventually.. the earlier she end the other r/s, the lesser chances that your marriage will be at stake. But that is also depending on the factors if both of you are willing to salvage the marriage.. I believe that it always takes 2 hands to clap and I am not saying that she is right but at the same time, something mus have gone wrong in between that causes what had happened today. To remember that don't put yourself in a defensive mode at the conversation. If she is willing to come back, are you willing to forgive and forget the whole incident? Time is needed but at the same time, you mus forgive her before improvements steps in..
 
I'm really appreciative of all the views from you gals/guys; totally unexpected; why should you people bother with problems of a totally unrelated stranger?

It's amazing how some support can help sooth a broken heart. My sis SMSed me to tell me that the family is griefed over such a development and that they are behind whatever decision i may make. It brought a tear to my eyes. The support from this forum also helps.

Soon-to-be: That's what i've decided to do, but it's very hard because i'm not sure what to make of her responses; is it something genuine, or she is just putting on an act to buy time (i think the other party cannot commit to her yet). I think i've to confront her first. At the same time, i read a good quote from "powder" that if i'm not prepared to hear the answer (i.e. whether she still wants this marrriage), better don't ask. So i'm stuck in this dilemma.

Avril sim: thanks!

Serene Yam: I read the posting by wat (url below)...i suppose my wife's problem with me is similar, that's why she prob thinks i'm a jerk. I do think that i'm not as bad as what "wat" described of her bf. My wife has been complaining that other guys are not like me...but hey, seems like guys can be alike in varying degrees after all. I didn't understand why in spite of my wholehearted love for her, at least from my perspective, it's not enough to keep the relationship going. I understand now.
http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/1130067.html?1247487971

jaycomposer: Great insights, i think you may have hit the nail on the head, esp on para 3. Thanks for the encouragement.

littlewoman: I have some knowledge in this kind of things because of my work, but i thought that it's not good for me to share the info, but i suppose you people can infer that much...only a few ways right? Lets just say the info is accurate. I think what you said about confronting her earlier rather than later made a lot of sense. Thks.

I somehow felt slightly better today...i think it's partly because of reading all the stuff in this forum and getting a perspective of things from a few angles, and the support from my family. But, my emotions can be worse than the current stock market volatility in my present state. It swings between anger, misery, remorse, self-doubt, etc within hours. There's nothing more i want to do then to dig a hole and bury myself till the pain is gone, but here i am stuck in the US, having to go through the motions of work.

I hope better days will come soon. Thanks for all the support, and keep your opinions coming in.

I promise to update once i've a closure to this. I think it may help somebody else in the future, or at least ease the pain.
 
hi there,

its great that you are doing all the self-reflection. Improve for yourself and not her. u gotta continue living confidently to instill back the confidence in her.

Think you need to find the right moment to let her know u know and really talk things out. Don't confront her. Approach the topic sensitively. It would be better to 1st warm her heart, go for holiday or take a break together. And when the moment is right, talk to her.

Share what you have reflected on and wants to rebuild the relationship with her. If she opens up, good. START LISTENING and refrain from answering anything defensively.

Find out how she really feels towards the marriage. Is there anymore love or just responsibility and accountability. If she is unwilling, there is no way u could force her. In this case, u have already lost her. To win her back, the best bet is really to respect her decision. But at the same time continue show your sincerity.
 
Hi TS

A few here says that there is hope to salvage such marriages but the truth is much harder to bear when you do find out otherwise.

Once such trust is broken even if special super glue was availiable to try to stick it back , it will not hold for long.

A realist would look at issue this way. If things won't turn out better in the end anyway however you have tried, why don't settle the issue cleanly now.

This is best.

It will prevent future complications, have your parent's welfare protected and enable you to have a clean slate to mend your life again.

Cheers.
 
Also, maybe you can talk to SM (simpleman), he has gone through a similar experience himself and he has shown great wisedom and maturity. One senior forumer that I really respect.
 
find a day when both of them are together... approach them calmly with a smile, remove your wedding band, offer it to the guy, take your wife's hand and put it in his hands... tell him to take good care of her and wish them all the best together... maintain your smile... walk away calmly and disappear...

1) the guy will freak out (he didn't want long term...)
2) your wife will freak out (she didn't want long term...)
3) both may pretend to be happy, but cracks will appear if 1 of them isn't tat into it...
4) wife will wake up.

end of the day, u've nothing to lose and everything to gain... your freedom, your right to be happy, and perhaps she'll come back to u BUT with an honest sincerity...

talk is cheap when in comes to such matters... pple always say to talk it out, have a chat etc... Nothing creates more impact than Action, Fear & Uncertainty... use them to your advantage.

of cos u dun have to do exactly wat i say, but i think u get the point i'm trying to make.

ps: oh ya, if u win her back... Pls dun fall back into complacency... be worthy of her decision.
 
hey,

The fact that she is still staying in the relationship is because either she still feels some sense of hope or there is no strong pull factor from the 3rd party for her to initiate a breakup.

Therefore, you still stand a good chance to salvage the situation. I m sure she doesnt feel good being in the affair. There may be feelings of guilt as well. I know it is diff for u to accept but do listen to her when she talks about the affair and her feelings. Important thing is to have her feel your sincerity to work things out so that she can feel what brought the 2 of u together in the first place.

This can be an opportunity to make the marriage even stronger or break it, depending on how the 2 of u handle it. Good luck
 
Good chance? I'm skeptical about that. Is the marriage already gone. If yes, even without the 3rd party, the marriage has lost its meaning.

We are all guessing. TS will have to think which is the most appropriate actions for his situation.

Powder, very interesting and clever idea. Playing with the psychology with the element of surprise too. But, it could also result in ending the marriage abruptly. Whether that's good or not. Hard to tell really. There should not be any expectation. i.e. TS needs to realize he has lost her already.
 
well milo,

some actions can solve the confusion faced by each party... in this case, it will create impact for wife & guy by putting reality in front of them - your blessings to their relationship present and future.

if it's thrill - the fact tat u dun care and u're not bother to catch them, dulls the sexual aspects.

if it's emotion - they will have to face the reality of a lifetime together (which they had TS as an excuse should they decide to breakup)

whatever it is, if either of them are uncertain - they will know shortly... there's no sex to cover up for the emotional weaknesses anymore. cos the emotional aspects has been given the thumbs-up to proceed to the next level...

there's nothing to lose for TS except the physical presence of wife.

ps: by making it very possible for them to be together, u make them think alot deeper than just the usual professing of love and talking abt how they can't be together. no excuses liao...
 
yes i agree. When I meant is, TS might not have come to terms with the reality. To me, the suggested idea cut short the bullshit which could be good. But, he needs to be in the right mindset to do that.
 
losingher: Glad to hear that you have manage to calm down in this aspect. When to talk to your wife will depends on when you are ready mentally and emotionally to handle the issue, the matter and of course the feelings. It is not easy to talk / discuss about such feelings openly, how much are you going to probe, how much do you want to know are questions whereby you have to consider and are you prepared to take all the answers? What is the limit that you can accept?
 
"Once such trust is broken even if special super glue was availiable to try to stick it back , it will not hold for long"

i wouldn't say it's hopeless, nothing is certain in life (except death) u know?

TS, do try ur best to woo her back. and if u lose her, dun lose heart. remember there's a silver lining to every cloud? what doesn't kill u will only make u Stronger!

this one's for u:

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translation: Just as the weary traveler despairs of finding a road, a village appears and the shade of willows and riotous flowers beckon.
 
My left brain tells me that it's over, and that i need to end this decisively. My right brain is saying otherwise.

I still hang on to the shred of hope that she MEANT it when she said that she still love me. She SMSed me this morning that she is TOY (in our lingo, thinking of you). But i know that she is mocking me behind my back just last week, how could she possibly still love me? Why would she want to lie then? I think she is buying time for herself...but, what if, just what if, there is a 1% chance, shouldn't i go for it?

I'll be back in SG this weekend. She has agreed to go for a couple kind of spa with me. I'm not sure how things will work out, but i intend to tell her soon. I don't intend to spring a surprise on her as suggested by powder, but will talk things out as calmly as i could with her. While she is still my wife, i'll still love and protect her till the end...i just hope that after 9 years (that's how long we knew each other), he can still love and protect her. I really hope it's not about money for him...she transferred out a huge amount from her savings acct in may. i'm so worried for her.

ladies, could you possibly love 2 men at the same time? sigh...

Milo recommended that i pick simpleman's thoughts...i've checked out his blog, at least the first few posts in march, my heart really goes out to him. I wish him strength and that someone special will heal him one day, soon (http://simpleman.multiply.com)
 
Wow, powder's suggestion is very unorthodoxed... good way to sift out both parties' real intentions and upset their dynamic there

but I can't imagine anyone having the guts to actually do it
 
oh it's not a vindictive angry action... it's just to set everyone thinking of the reality... especially when pple are lost and caught up in affairs and tyrsts, the consequences and reality dun stare us in the face as strongly...

it's not an angry action, just one to put everyone into deep thoughts...
 
"ladies, could you possibly love 2 men at the same time?"

I think can, for example, when you don't love either guy A or B a lot or when you are in confusion. But not for me, for practical reasons. I don't like such complications for myself.
 
Not all, but it is possible. Thus, one of the qn you have to ask yourself is can you accept it if she admitted that she does/did love the other guy?
 
In reverse: "Men, could U possibly love 2 women at the same time"???

Emotion/Feeling is something not similar across the board. Depend on individual..

I dun see the purpose of this Q... The fact is U need to know what went wrong in this relatioship then asking an "abstract" Q. U may be confused with answers given by all........

Drill down to the roots of the problems....
 
yes, its possible.

Its natural that the 3rd party thinks very negatively of the spouse.

1stly, its because of the conflict of interest. He is in love with your wife and he really wants and needs to believe really poorly about you. That gives him the reason to justify his existence in her life.

2ndly, the cheating spouse probably spent a great deal of time sharing about her issues and difficulties in the marriage. She probably isn't focus on how nice or sweet you are to him.

So, you will expect to read nothing really positive about you in their conversations. This is very natural.

When I spoke with my dad's lover after his passing, she had nothing but strong negative thoughts and hatred for my mum and uncle. I cannot really blame her. What she saw was my dad's unhappiness and worries. And how happy he was with her. She did not see the other side of the story. Of how my dad really still cared for and loved my mother. Nor, my uncle's good intentions. Her views is from a 3rd party. She couldn't have seen nor understand. In the same way, we cannot fully understand their views.
 
I am not quite sure if confronting the wife is the best option. If you are confronting, then be prepared to lose it altogether.

I confronted my wife and probably lost the chance of a reconciliation. But I know not confronting is like hell.. I know it..

But we can't be living and regretting our decisions.

Actually it is meaningless to ask if a woman can love two men at the same time - probably yes. But so what if no. There is no absolute in love.

If you want to talk more with me, you can send me a email or pm. Or even meet up for coffee. I can share my thoughts ..
 
At this juncture we may be tempted to ask your wife if she loves you. To me that is not the most important.

The important question is:

"Is she willing to try to walk the rest of her life with you, to agree to work on all issues .. if she is willing and you are willing.. then there is a possibility.."
 
Actually, the other day I spoke with a friend. After more than 4 years of separation, I am in the process of a divorce. But yet it may be the best decision because the divorce will allow me and my wife to start from ground zero - you can wipe out everything in the past.

It may mean a possibility of getting together again - although I am not putting any hope on it or do I want it. Just let nature take its course.

In the meantime we can both pursue our own interest and also focus our efforts to take care of our children jointly.
 
the problem with all these affairs is the mentality of pple...

too much time is wasted on who's right, who's wrong, what one Should have done... far too much time... some go around in circles over the Wrong, some go around in circles over the "why did it happen to me", some go round in circles confirming time and again that it happened...

yeah i know it's easy to say when it is not happening to me, but it has happened before and sometimes u've gotta learn to treasure your life and time on earth Enough - to wanna move forward.

when it happened to me, i just need to know if i want to stay, she wants to stay and that's it. no point running around in circles and get nothing done, and fcuk up the other aspects like work n family n frens...

if my answer is No, then i dun need to bother abt gfren/wife who is asking for a 2nd chance... if my answer is yes, then i just need tat same answer from her. it's actually quite simple but we tend to complicate things by Worrying whether or not we can have a life after them, complicate things by Needing to go all dramatic and wallow...

there's always another person out there... in fact there's many. most pple think there's only 1 person for them becos they have very little exposure and are too stuck in their own world to really mix around and date... and in our local context, pple marry far too early before they develop their requisites.

ps: yes u can love 2, 3, 5 women... but u can only choose 1 to spend the rest of your life with...
 
hi bro,

the constant fights on who's wrong and right is not unique to relationships with affairs. In fact, its a very natural but at the same time unproductive and even destructive thing to do.

When in it, emotions will cloud us to a certain extend. Those that took longer to get out of it isn't because their LOVE IS DEEPER. Rather, they are more stubborn or clueless souls that let the situation decide for them.

One point you spoke about several times in other threads... people tend to fear uncertainity and choose cling on a hopeless hope than venturing further. Another human behavior that is contributing in the circles we put ourselves through.
 
Exactly...

And the best part is some people juz wanna "hear" what they wanna "hear" and said that's a good advice given.. For goodness sake!!!

Merry-go-round is nice to be on (playground) round & round... but be realistic... When U are on it for tooooooooo long, U will go "dizzy"!!!! U may not even have to ability to stand straight when U "alighted"...........
 
sometimes i wish i can tell pple that they are Dying... but who wants to be reminded?? u, me, sm, TS, everyone - we're all Dying... we just dun know how and when.

but pple all live like immortals...
 
junkie: I stay with my wife. This was just a short business trip...it was so difficult to have to leave for this trip, especially when i just discovered this. If you're thinking we ended up like that because we were apart, it's not true.

I've devoured this book: "The monogamy myth" to find some answers. It helped me understand this complicated issue better, at least i think so. Perhaps those people in the some situation as me should check it out.I'm posting this from D.C. airport, so i don't have much time. I'll summarise the key ideas and share when i'm back in SG.

Thanks for all the useful inputs, and suggestions. Wish me luck.
 
sorry, read too much into the lines... but i wasn't thinking what u think i was thinking...
well not impt... ignore me
happy.gif
 
Just when i thought i had it sorted out in my head, my emotions got better of me once i see my wife. On the one hand, i wanted nothing more than to love and protect her when she hugged me at the airport, on the other hand, i couldn't help feeling like she has become sort of a stranger to me. Then that lump in the throat, sinking feeling overwhelmed me. Hey, insomnia is back.

I guess i'm not emotionally ready yet.
 
it's natural to feel emotionally entangled as u're in a state of confusion and uncertainty... just be careful not to spend too much time ruminating, and before u know it, u're already spinning in the vortex of love and deception.
 
I was reading simpleman's old blog:
http://loveisacruelthing.blogspot.com/

I can sort of feel for his wife .. and maybe also TS's wife? .. Cos i'm feeling very miserable in my marriage, very emotionally deprived. Me and hubby dated for 7yrs, and married for 7yrs, have 2 young kids, 2.5yrs and 4yrs old. In any outsiders' eyes, my hubby is a 100% good husband. He does most housework and is a very hands-on daddy. He is a very filial son to his parents and a very good brother to his sibblings.

To him, 'good to me' means relieve me from domestic chores .. but i'm feeling miserable cos we have zero communication. We hardly talk except for those mundane household instructions. I've emailed him many times telling him how i felt, but situation still doesn't improve. Can you imagine, we have dinner everyday (at his mom's house) and dinner is accompanied by complete silence? I've tried many times to tell him my day, but the response is? one worded responce, eg. hm, ah .. etc .. i gave up .. In the past, I even suggested we take afternoon leave to go dating or go for a couple spa, but his response: no need la, waste money, .. To him, if take leave, must be spend with kids to relieve his mom (his mom is taking care of our kids when we both working) .. that's how filial he is, at the expense of his marriage.

What i have implied from all these years of treatment is, couple bonding is the last thing in his mind. He's too comfortable with the marriage and with our relationship liao and don think there is a need to maintain marriage.. i've told him in emails (ya, emails, cos we simply can't talk) but no use .. i've sent him many long emails, but response i got is his finger-pointing at me of many irrelevent stuff, eg. he's not happy that i'm fussy abt food and showing bad example to kids .. hey, he knew this from day 1 he knew me, why can't he accept? .. why want to change me? .. he also say he's not happy that i just walk past people distributing phamlets treating them as transparent and i'm not empathatic towards them by at least acknowledge their existance when they approached me and i will be bad example to kids.. hey, what is this? I'm emailing him because of our relationship issue and he's finger pointing back at me for such irrelevant things?

I don know what to say .. Just that outside temptation is high .. Ok, i admit, there are guys out there coming after me and showering me with lots of attention .. I'm restraining myself very very hard .. if not for the kids, i would have left this marriage ..

Just sharing my feelings only .. so that maybe TC can see from a woman's point of view .. As men always say "home no cook, eat outside" . . Women can say the same too .. And this will happen if a woman's tolerance limit is reached. I'm still tolerating .. Usually women only stray if their emotional needs are not satisfied ..
 
pinktweet,

You should try harder to communicate with your husband. If it is not working, try other routes - his buddy for example. If you cherish this marriage, you should try harder... never mind that he is ignorant or not trying..

Actually I didn't blog much about what happened prior to my separation. And it is not that I want to put the blame or to justify myself or to make myself a model of a husband.

The year prior to our separation, I have noticed the the crack in our relationship: we communicated much less.. Of course not to the extend of not talking during meal time but we lost quite a bit of time together - mainly because she got a car and I no longer needed to send/fetch her.

We didn't do our daily breakfast as she was always rushing to work. And she worked very late.. and when she came home, all she wanted to do was to sleep.. we hardly have time to talk. Weekends she would rather sleep.. for SPA she would rather go with her friends

But we did have our weekly golf together - so in a sense we are still communicating and doing things together... only much less.

I was the one who wrote her many emails.. especially when she was out on business trip. I noticed the drifting apart and I was trying very hard to bridge the gap.

But still, we did spent a lot of time with the children - we went for holidays. On our birthday,s we would spend time just the two of us without the children.

I am not saying that I am perfect.. but I did recogonize the signals and I did try.. but still it did not work.. She was always tired, evasive, travelling, busy with work and tenders.

Till this day, I could not find an answer but I have long given up trying to find an answer.

We are separated for more than 4 years now. And I am in the process of divorce.

I understand the woman's feeling and point of view - but without the recognition that there is problem in the marriage and the willingness to work out the marriage - it is quite pointless, right?

If only one party is recognizing the problem - you have to get to the other party - through whatever means to communicate.. without which, marriage can only be getting worse..
 
Pinktweet, being knee deep in such a problem myself, i can fully empathise with you. I think your husband still loves you deeply, if not why did he even bother with the housework, kids, and such? The problem is complacency...just like in my case, my wife did groused about issues, but to me they're just grouses, nothing more - complacency. It's not that i don't love her, just that i never took her "grouses" seriously since they appear not so important to me in the grand scheme of things; a very guy-way of thinking. I now realised how HUGE a deal these things are to women.

Of course temptations are high, it is perfectly normal that we can be attracted to others in spite of being married, but i suppose the difference with people that stayed happily married, and those that don't, is choice : the choice of not being tempted, or putting oneself in the situation where you can be tempted. I think as long as you have such thoughts in you i.e. that you could have a better life else where, the marriage would not stand a chance, since such thoughts will somehow be translated into your words, or behaviour, and these can be felt by your husband. Overtime, the resentment between both of you will build up, and you'll have lost sight of the positive things that brought both of you together in the first place.

Like what sm said, i think you have to try harder to get through the thick skull of your husband (and most men in general) to make him realise how painful it has been for you. Perhaps belatedly, I realised it when i saw the spark in her eyes for me being replaced with anger, and then reading the lyrics of songs she suddenly kept playing. While the lyrics of the song may not accurately depict the situation we're in, it certainly gave me a wake-up call on the kind of anguish she has been going through. That's the last thing i wanted, because i wanted nothing but happiness for her...quite ironic.

Men, being the cavemen they are, will generally be chasing after the next conquest. Sure, they'll shower you with attention, but after that, then what? You'll still have to face up to the possibility that the same issues will pop up 3-4 years down the line. So you want to give up now and leave for greener pastures? You may strike gold, but you'll probably have a different set of problems to deal with.

I'm also sharing my point of view for the benefit of all. I have no right answers as i too am groping around. Btw, i agree with your husband that we should generally treat people with respect, after all, it's part of being in a gracious society. He prob poked on this issue at the wrong time.
 
I've finally confronted her about her affairs. Just as i've expected, she denied everything...in spite of all my earlier pleas for honesty and nothing else since weeks ago when i felt something was wrong.

It was only when i related to her what Mr X (a colleague) told me about what he saw that she gave me a tentative affirmation that she has "good vibes" about this other man. Mr X told me that he saw them behaving intimately, but she denied everything. I asked her if she still wants the marriage, she said yes. I asked her if she could leave the other guy, she could not find an answer. In spite of feeling like being stabbed with a knife in the heart, I suppose what i have to do is to be strong, and give her time to sort out her feelings. In a weird sort of way, i also felt that a heavy weight has temporarily been lifted from me.

That night, we cried our hearts out. The anger in her eyes seem to have disappeared. I'm very happy and thankful that this might be the chance for our marriage to survive and become even stronger because of the lessons that we've learnt. That night, we talked like the good old days, and it felt really good. I also fell soundly asleep, something i did not have a luxury of doing for a long time.

The next phase will be on how to rebuilt the trust we have for each other. Deep in my heart, i'm quite sure that she has not downloaded everything to me. She is still not sure, some how. Because of this, i'm very afraid to be hurt again, and afraid to fully trust her. If this trust is broken again, I think that it can never be pieced back together again.

I wish she could give me more reassurances in this very trying time for the both of us. And i'll do whatever i can to make her feel loved and doted on again, without being too contrived about it.

Any advice from forummers on what i should do? Or perspectives from the ladies?
 
This is one view from a lady. These things are hard but if we want the marriage both parties need to put up the effort and try hard.
Make deliberate effort and time to be together and do things together.
For us women, we like our man's attention to little things...sometimes all it takes it is just ten mins a day to create this... I dont mean XXX, I mean attentiveness, presence, making us feel that we are acknowledged everyday...
 
TS & Simpleman

Thanks for your views and advice. Too many things have happened throughout these many years between me and hubby which i did not put into my posts. It's a long story to say, cos things don happen overnight. If i have time to type, i will then elaborate.. see how .. cos scared i may cry in office if i were to type those stuff now .. Many things happened which makes me feel that he treats me shabbily and i'm always the last person in his 'priority list'.. I'm ranked after his parents, our kids, his sibblings, his friends and even his sibblings' spouses! In my mind, i know he loves me, but in my heart, i couldn't feel it at all. Worse, i suspect i don love him anymore after all the happenings..

Last week, after a quarrel (not really quarrel cos he's the one talking/scolding and i couldn't rebuke as i was crying .. i'm a very emotional person, i usually couldn't control my tears and end up couldn't defence myself verbally), i sms him telling me that i need time to re-assess our relationship and in my sms, i told him i need time to cool down and need a break from him. Guess what, he still behave as if nothing has happened and not kanjong at all when he saw my sms (the portion on reassessing the relationship).

Ok, so much for today .. Now i'm living one day at a time ..
 
losingher,

I don't have much advice other than to say that if both of you are willing to work together - nothing is impossible.

For you, you have to show your love and affection and let go of whatever that your wife has done. Be more tolerant and more attentive. If you can find the sparks again and can communicate again, then there is hope.

At this juncture, there is no point to ask for re-assurances. She is confused as well. Let her be but you can be the re-assuring party..
 
PinkTweet,

without explaining much on how things get to the situation, its pretty clueless. But, from your description, you are writing countless emails to him with a problem that he seems equally clueless in resolving.

The communication channel has been broken for too long. Effectively, the marriage no longer a relationship but a functional partnership. When you wrote to him, is it without only feedback of problems? Any solutions on how you want to work it out with him? E.g. go for holiday together to try to rekindle the sparks??

Things only works when there is commitment and believe on both sides. To me, he is either not believing / confident or completely clueless on how to make you happy. All the 'feedback' to him is just stress and complains where he has no other way to provide except to put in even more effort in what he already does best. i.e. all the household chores, being a father etc.
 
losingher: Coming clean and being honest to facing up to the reality and what had happened is not gonna to be easy, she needs time and constant support and encouragement will be really helpful. I had cried for the whole of 2.5 weeks at my workplace, even dinning with my HB etc during that tough period, it is hurtful but that was also the time that strengthens our r/s once again. Trust is broken, however, give both of you and the marriage another chance upon the making of the decision. Like what SM mentioned, nothing is possible if both of you are willing to work together.

PinkTweet: your situations seems a little extreme, how long has this been happening? Perhaps seeing a marriage counselor might improve things? Is your HB like this prior to the marriage?
 
Pinktweet :

It appears to me your hubby may have lost his love for you, but staying on the marriage out merely for responsiblity /kids sake. Those things he brought up to you may be irrelevant to you but i think, it is those things that make him slowly detest you bit by bit, day by day. I suppose you should take his feedback seriously and not brush it aside. What is not impt to you may be impt to him and may be the very reason his love slowly eroded for you.

Is not easy to maintain a marriage. Furtheremore you both have been together for 7+7 years. I would have guess he has lost his love for you so small thing he also get irritated with you.

At this time, dun think about affairs. It may be tempting but the pain/regret is irreversible.

Take care.
 
Pinktweet: i wish i can give your husband a good knock on the head to wake him up before it's too late.

I'm trying very hard to deal with my own insecurities...she is currently taking a part time degree program which i've encouraged her to sign up for. Understandably, she has night lessons, and discussions with project groups on many nights. Sometimes, i can't help but wonder if she is lying to me that she has lessons or having a discussion, but is with the other man instead. It drives me crazy.

All the advice that has been given, i understood, but it's so difficult to put in practice. I suppose i've to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Is there a hang out for heart broken people?
 


losingher: why not practice some sweet gestures; to fetch your wife from school? In that way, both of you might be able to spend some time together?
 
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