Post marriage money/financial duties to parents

[Somequestions]

All

I'm hoping to seek some advice and measured opinions on a sensitive money matter. I'm a Singaporean female and just got married to a non Singaporean. He's a wonderful husband and I'm super lucky.

I'm not very traditional and he's not Chinese so we had a bit of a shock post our wedding when my dad told us he has kept all the angbaos from his side of the family which came up to about 1/4 of our banquet costs. The most hurtful thing was that he told me "I've banked it in" when it was never discussed with us. What exacerbated the irritation with my dad was that my husband and I had earlier agreed that husband & I just split the costs of the wedding (so parents don't have to pay anything), given Chinese culture expects groom side to pay (this much I know) whereas western culture is exactly the opposite. My dad's failure to ever discuss his own assumption with either of us and to then keep all the hong baos post wedding was quite hurtful.

I've heard some friends advise me that it's the parents' right to keep whether I like it or not, so I've kinda gotten over it (although not totally over the anger with my dad for never even discussing and assuming the money was his).

Another question I hv now is... Prior to marriage I've been giving my parents an allowance every month. Am I to assume since they have taken a dowry and bride money, that I've been "married off" and I no longer need to give money to them? I haven't lived at home for the last 10 yrs given overseas work and since I moved back I've been living with my other half. My parents are middle class so while the money I give is helpful, I hv an older brother who also gives them money (and actually lives at home with them since he was born). I should add that my dad has always been very insistent that I must give them money (even complaining when I stopped for a yr when I was unemployed a few yrs back).

I don't mean to be calculative with my parents but is there some tradition or guidance here? If my dad has taken a stash of money and claimed its for dowry and his right to do so, am I then still beholden to contribute to a household I've not lived in for 10 yrs?

Thanks everyone.

 

[bearine]

I hope my parents wont take the angbao money. Been emphasising to them that I'm only willing to take in max 30% dmg from banquet cost.

My parents earns much more than me, but i still give them some "kopi" money (10%) as part of my duties as a child, regardless how independent I am.
Dowry for me, is only part of the ceremony. My parents didnt request for it, but my HTB will still be preparing an amount.
I still feel is my brothers and mine responsibilities to take care of parents, as they treat us(kids) all equally.
I dun wish to draw lines with my family, will still be visiting them fortnightly or monthly. And, you will never know when you need their "help" esp, when my HTB is non-sgrean as well.

 

[xhenrietta]

I no longer live with my parents but I do give them allowance and both of them are still working.
I hope monetary problem would not ruin our relationship so I always put them first before money.

I feel that it is children duties to provide for our parents whether daughter or son.

 

[lonely_desire78]

To TS and anyone else who are interested....

I got married with my SO. For the wedding, the ang bao collected wasn't enough to defray the cost and there was a short fall. My SO paid up the difference and there was no conversation about how or whether it should be split. I am also at fault for not talking to her clearly about how it should be addressed.

Subsequently when we had another "customary" lunch, the ang baos collected all went to my SO and she insisted that the proceeds belong to her as she paid for the short fall in the earlier wedding dinner. Personally, I do not have an issue with who keeps what amounts. It does feel funny because all it takes is just to say upfront "I will keep the proceeds for the coming wedding lunch".

In another occasion, I passed her a significant sum to change to foreign currency. This sum was never returned to me. She kept holding to it and claiming that she was too busy to "do it". It was fine too. People do get busy. But, eventually, she said that I had been using her money, so that sum belongs to her. Whether true or not and how much it was, the thing was..... we could have just discuss and agree. So, you can imagine the amount of .... question marks I had. There was no issue with affordability, but a question of whether things are made clear.

Like your case, this became a misunderstanding and source of quarrels because there was no agreement on how the amount should be shared. Its important to speak up the expectations and seek an understanding on the important issues, even if there is no agreement. Never sweep pending issues under the carpet. It will come back many times bigger. For the sake of both parties, try to talk it out and pre-empt. Its never easy, but not trying is worse....

Everyone else can guess what happened next..... I lost some of my faith my SO. Its emotionally tiring because it always seem like putting up with someone and pretending that issues aren't there. This question in mind.... floated very often "is it worth it?"

Recently, the topic of having the kid came up. Before we went deep enough into it, we already had disagreements over upbringing and values. These are topics which can potentially destroy a marriage. No one can afford to pretend that there are no issues. Pretending only defers the problems.

Its honestly tiring. At times, I wish I hadn't been married because there are too many unspoken of rules and "regulations". Everyone is assumed and expected to take up different duties and responsibilities. At the end of it, we all have to ask whether we are doing it for ourselves or some other stranger? Or is it for the sake of personal pride or selfish wants? When junior comes into this world, both parents must invest time and money. How equal or unequal can it get?

Therefore if you find your SO talking less, don't be surprised. People do get tired and talk less after a while. Many of the seasoned married folks will gloss over many issues and pretend they don't exist. This form of fatigue is mentally draining.

 

[miloice]

there is no fixed rules here. However, our parents are old and way past their prime in their careers. As children, we should offer some financial assistance, especially if they do need some help. Just because you have siblings, doesn't stop you from caring for them in any way, be it emotionally, financially or physically visiting and accompanying them. It is not about entitlement, rather common sense and gratitude. Race and nationality of your spouse have nothing to do with this either. Its your parents, your money and your own sincerity to offer what you can afford.