Pls help me!!!

iamtroubled

New Member
hi all,pls give me some advice to my problem...thanks...

i have a gf dat is younger than me by 2yrs.we have been together for almost 7yrs.we were watching michelle chia's wedding when we start to discuss about our own wedding n stuffs.so i start by asking her the wants n dont wants.i ask her to take a few days to think n ask for her mum's opinion.she gave me an ans saying she wan a 5k engagement ring,wedding dinner at a 4star hotel,a set of diamond jewellery n oso honeymoon to either japan or maldives.the problem is,i quit my job in Jan and am looking for a job now.im planning to use my 15k savings for this wedding.but based on her wants i supposed i simply cannot afford it right now.somehow or rather i feel like its a 1 sided affair,wif me trying my best but sometimes the best is just not good enuf...

should i just drop the whole idea?should i try all means to satisfy her?or should i even let tis relationship cool off?
 


powder

Active Member
there's no bigger problem than self-inflicted ones...

u open your mouth to ask, she answer n now u wanna penalise her.

One got no money still ask.
the other One bfren no job still talk like that.

who the hell expect u to have the money now?

if i sponsor u 30k do i get to keep her as a 2nd wife? the answer is No rite? so pls get it in your head that it's not the money... it's u. and the ideas is becos u ask the freakin question...

u got $5 in your pocket, u ask your kid wat toy he wants, and when he wants transformer - u thing of abandoning your kid at the shopping mall... DUH???
 

sonypeh

New Member
don't worry, all is not lost.

At least u find out what kind of women is she?

U should ask yourself is this the kind of wife u want? Are u able to substain her kind of lifestyle? This is a blessing in disguise.

Make the right choice.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
did she say its non-negotiable? think u're putting urself under unnecessary stress ok? put more focus on job-hunting lah, getting married is not the thing to talk abt when u're jobless:p
 

powderful07

New Member
This is a classic case of the Hokkien saying "Nothing to do, find things to do"...

Itchy backside...
To be honest, I have no sympathies for the spot that you have placed yourself smacked in...

Try asking her how you can accede to her requests given that you have only 15k and jobless. See what's her response is?

If there's anything to gain out of this stupid situation of yours; at least it'll give you clarity on your gal fren's character.
 

powder

Active Member
i dun really penalise the girl Yet... let's not forget our brudder alan asked the gal to consult with the mum.
 

alcifertoh

New Member
Seems the reality came abit too much for TS? Well look on the brighter side. At least now you know what to do and work towards to. What were you expecting to do with 15k?

From your suggestion to her to go take few days to think and consult with her mum gives people the impression like "No problem. Just list your terms".

You've asked her to consult with her mum which if she goes by traditional customs, the ping jin can easily takes up 10 to 20 percent of your savings already.

Seriously speaking, when you are jobless now since Jan, the priority is to seek for a job and build up your finance. Rather than thinking of more expenditures.
 

its_fate

Active Member
?? Why idiots like to ask stupid Qs??

Blame on others when you "shaft" yourself into "sai kang" (sh1t hole)..

Lamer.. Loser..
bounce.gif
 

its_fate

Active Member
I guess most gals out there would love to have a Dream Wedding.. Correct me if I'm wrong.

U mentioned "so i start by asking her the wants n dont wants".. If U ask me wat I want, of coz I tell U!!!

Now that U turned around the table and blame her for asking for toooooooo much!! U think it's fair??!!!

Have U ever wonder she juz said them coz it's only a dream and in reality, she knew it will not happen coz U are broke and wzout a job. U've been together for 7yrs.. Don't tell me U dun even u/stand her!!! If so, then why U ever want to pop that "Married Questions"..

LPPL!!!!
 

iamtroubled

New Member
the reason i ask her to ask her mum is to check whether is there any traditions dat we strictly need to follow.im just upset dat she nv reali try to understand the situation but instead still wan to compare wif her frens.
 

its_fate

Active Member
Hahahaha,,,

"What she wants and what she don't want" and "what is the tradtion we have to abide" ARE TWO DIFFERENT QUESTIONS!!!

Please get your questions across to her in clear and direct way.
 

doubtguy

New Member
Hmm ...

Perhaps you should have discussed with her what is the total budget before planning for the things to buy.
If you want to pay all by yourself, kinda difficult, especially since you have not included wedding pictures and even worse, a house and a renovation.
 

tomasulu

Member
iris don't be dense. it is about being realistic and considerate of his financial situation. make that *their* financial situation. geez, why not just be extra honest and asked for the hope diamond or a round-the-world trip?

and if she weren't serious, she wouldn't have been so specific about it.
 

its_fate

Active Member
Wahahaha,,, pardon me for being "dense"

Coz there are few "grey" points in here..

1. Ask a "universal" question and when given a "ultimate" answer, "tio Stunned" then blame the gal for asking too much

2. Out of job since Jan. Wonder if indeed looking for one or say looking for one.

3. Knew that economy not good so mayb jobs difficult to come by...

4. No $ still want to marry?? Abit not in correct mind to pop this Q at this moment right?

5. Unless the Gal is materlistic, if not, she should be sensible enuff to ask for the correct things/dowry.

6. Unless someone project a "rich" face infront of her so she think she caught a "big fish" and that's why asking for so much..

So sad to be "crowned" inconsiderate and unrealistic after 7yrs of relationship.
 

tomasulu

Member
you are all over the place, i don't understand what you are trying to say. and i doubt dude appreciates your speculation and innuendos.
 

its_fate

Active Member
Oh,, I'm juz analysing the issue..

Let see which "dudes" would back-track to the initial thread and read again..

I've summarised advices and queries. Perharps I put them too bluntly..
 

powderful07

New Member
IF the gal understand the reality of the state that troubled is in and YET STILL ASK for those kinda stuff...

I'm with tomasulu here...ditch her...

But if it's not then you better start setting some realistic expectations to her...NOW...
 

sheezh

New Member
I would like to ask, are you both in a hurry to get married? Why would you even thought of proposing when you are not even having a income right now? and since Jan.

What are you going to live on after you use up your 15K savings for the wedding and you still have not found a job yet? Have you thought of what comes after??

And because seeing Michelle's elaborated marriage on TV propel you to propose, frankly, I don't think you are ready for marriage, more of the monkey see, monkey do mindset.

And you said that you trying your best? What do you mean by trying your best?
 

its_fate

Active Member
DoubtGuy (doubtguy) - Paisay. Coz my English is not good. Unable to use bombastic word such as "dense" (stupid). Will refrain from using them
happy.gif
 

applepie2

New Member
"im just upset dat she nv reali try to understand the situation but instead still wan to compare wif her fren"

WHY shd she try to understand the situation ?

Did u make known to her your financial strength ?

DUn forget, YOU ARE the INITIATOR to ask her what she wants and even give her a few days to think. SO, dun blame her for stating what she wants cos "you may have appear so generous to her "

YOU only can blame yourself for not being honest/truthful about $ issues nor did u give her a more realistic budget to work with.

Stop digging your own grave by spending beyond your means . I agree that your focus shd be looking for job and not discuss on about wedding.

But of course, the choice is yours.
 

tomasulu

Member
if he'd spent beyond his means, he wouldn't have any savings. how about you get on with a reading comprehension program before you start blabbing away?
 

babylamb

New Member
What she want and what she expect may be different. I also want a lot of things, like a nice proposal ring for example. But I don't expect to get one because of our current financial situation. So you may want to check if what she had mentioned is a "must have" or a "nice to have".
 

applepie2

New Member
Who ? me ? :

Why shd I get on with a reading comprehension programme ?

My " spending beyond his means" is refering to his "future possible spending that could be coming along his way"

Dun try to sound "smart" when you dun even understand the original intention behind the post. It only reflect stupidity on ur side.

Oh, no offense, BTW
happy.gif
 

iamtroubled

New Member
ok just to get back to some questions.

firstly,i only asked her to ask her mum if there are any traditions dat we strictly need to follow,the wants n dont wants question is for her.

2ndly i did not act rich or generous in front of her as she noe my financial situation inside out,but i told her i will try my best to accomodate to her wishes.

michelle chia's wedding is just the spark cos i've been toying wif tis idea for quite sometime.
the reason y i seem to be in a hurry is becos my grandpa really hopes to see me get married wen he is still around and the fact is his condition is deteoriating every single day.

as for housing,we had discussed n agreed to stay wif my parents for the time being.i have set aside another 5k for some new furnitures in my room.

we had a further discussion and my gf is prepared to lower her expectations of the engagement ring to somewhere ard 3k,so whichs means i have ard 7k budget for the rest.i have some questions regarding honeymon in maldives,can some kind souls pls advice me...roughly how much i got to spend for a honeymoon there?

thanks n good day...
 

tomasulu

Member
oh my bad anna. your problem is not reading comprehension, it is elementary grammar.

troubled, putting aside her rather mercenary approach to starting a life together. why would you be with someone who has such a different value system to yours? you don't seem like a i-want-maldives-so-i-can-keep-up-with-the-lims kinda guy.

anyway... to your question, there is no end to how much you can spend in maldives. and while there are cheap(er) options, you will get so much more out of your money in phuket or phi phi.
 

sillywoman

New Member
alan, seriously $7k for the rest & honeymoon is not really enough especially in maldives! Is ur gf going to chip in to help or ur parents r going to help u to pay for the wedding banquet?

u probably hve forgotten u need to get a wedding package for all the gowns, car & photographer for ur actual day! Lets say u get the cheapest $3k so u only left with $4k. Not to forget ur gf still want a diamond set! So how much $ u left for wedding banquet if ur parents are not helping u? What abt ur wedding bands, the rest of the chinese customary items u need to get & $ u need to set aside for angbaos?

Unless u can max out all ur credit cards & w/o a job & no savings left how r u going to pay ur credit cards debts? Yes wedding is once in a life time but dnt go beyond ur means & suffer later (unless this is really what u 2 want)! Go talk to ur gf again & start setting budget & hopefully u 2 can reach an agreement!

Good Luck!
 

powder

Active Member
troubled.

u're in trouble becos the reason u're gonna get married isn't strong, and doesn't come across as very informed. it's either u will feel trapped or regret later on.

today u marry for grandpa, tomoro u buy nearby house for mum, next day day u buy a watch for wifey, next week u buy a car for dad...

u're not being a good son nor grandson nor anything. u're just being foolish... none of these reasons stand as far as marriage is concerned. marry her becos she's the one u wanna live with for the rest of your life... not grandpa is gonna leave soon...

tat's normally how pple get fcuked for their bad decisios for the rest of their lives...
 

blueberrytea

New Member
she might just be saying out loud a dream wedding she wish to have.

i mean, when little girls read cinderalla and all those princess stories, don't we all wish to one day, have a romantic and beautiful wedding?

everyone tends to compare some stuffs in life. It's only when we compare, then only we stress ourselves to become better.

Why not you get a job first, then only see how things should go.
Esp if she has no idea about your intention on wedding plans yet.

I dunno how she sees the $ part. But i do know, a marriage with only love and no $ calls for lots of problems down the road in time to come.

so, go get a job first, then plan slowly.
 

mark78

Active Member
"$5k diamond ring and a maldives honeymoon when dude is out of work? i won't marry her.:"

that might be a dream wedding. And not a must. almost everyone have dreams. (most) guys love dream cars, but that doesn't equate to him getting a dream car.

As alan said, He asked Her what she WANTS or don WANTs so i don really fault the gal.

well, in fact her WAnts not really far fetched. but just not desirable at this point in time.

4 star HOTEL, 5k wedding ring and japan honey moon. Well i guess its still achievable but maybe not now.

Anyway
 

applepie2

New Member
Alan (Troubled) :

Yes, I agree u shd marry cos u Really want to, not cos a grandpa or dad's wish or mum's wish etc.

And, if u really going ahead with the wedding plans....

given ur $ condition, is it ok to do without a engagement ring, since u'll ve to get a wedding band later on ? This can save an extra $3k. Is just an opinion & the choice is up to u anyway.

Do discuss honestly with her, no point to ve a extravagant wedding & than stress on paying "debts" later on...Wedding is just a one day event..wat's more impt is building on the marriage later on.

It will be nice if she can share part of the wedding cost...is she open about contributing part of her saving as well to share the burden ?

All the best
happy.gif
 

mark78

Active Member
when ppl are poor with less than 1 mil, they DREAM of having more then that. and some got it. Alan asked, she answered. simple.

"u're in trouble becos the reason u're gonna get married isn't strong, and doesn't come across as very informed. it's either u will feel trapped or regret later on.
today u marry for grandpa, tomoro u buy nearby house for mum, next day day u buy a watch for wifey, next week u buy a car for dad...
u're not being a good son nor grandson nor anything. u're just being foolish... none of these reasons stand as far as marriage is concerned. marry her becos she's the one u wanna live with for the rest of your life... not grandpa is gonna leave soon...
tat's normally how pple get fcuked for their bad decisios for the rest of their lives..."

Very true is this statement. i guess my marriage was not an advancement of LOve but for other very minute reason thus it failed. well its a definitely a painful lesson for me.
 
I have a suggestion. If you insist on getting married, you may ROM this year to filfull your grandpa's wish, and then put the customary wedding plan on hold 1st. A simple customary wedding costs at least 20K.
 

powderful07

New Member
Well, you have gotta admire the guts of both Alan and his gal fren.

Jobless, 15k in savings and yet they are still pushing ahead with wedding plans and honeymoon in Maldives...

Good luck to you, Alan.
At least your wife and you will have your memories in Maldives to sustain you when you're broke and without a job 3 months down the road...

Seriously dude, you need to re-evaluate your current situation and learn to tone down your gal fren's expectation...

I still feel that you should put all these nonsense on hold until you found a job.

PS : Is your gal fren working?
 
I think it is really quite insensitive of her to put a price tag to the engagement ring...especially when you have been out of job for quite some time. I remember when my husband was about to propose to me, we went to search for a proposal ring together, and I deliberately pointed out those which I think are affordable but still look nice imo. He offered to buy a ring with bigger stone but I told him not to...

I think what you can do now is to talk to her and make her realise your "real" situation rather than covering it up and giving in to her demands. Cos once you give in, it will get worse in the future, especially when she thinks she can expect it from you and you are not able to fulfill them.
 

mark78

Active Member
well on 2nd thoughts.. isnt it suppose to be I LIKE THAT RING then buy that RING. but now when its like I WANT A 5K RING. i guess the LIKE come 2nd, but she see a price for the engagement FIRST (more than 5K).

ei.. abit weird.. but still better then the gal who i know who cheat behind her fhb and demand her fhb to buy a 10k tiffany ring for engagement.
 

tomasulu

Member
to be fair to alan, it is not easy to have $15k in savings. esp. if you are out of work for the past 6 months. at least he is not asking for hand outs from his parents like many do.

and a wedding takes time so you need to plan ahead for it, job or no job.

on the other hand, i find the gf's laundry list of i-wants chillingly calculative and totally out of whack with their circumstance. i won't call it a character flaw but you have to wonder if she is someone who will go through thick and thin with ya. rich or poor, moonlightprincess' attitude is what you look for in a wife to be.
 
Haha I actually mentioned this thread and the gist of it to my husband...and he gave me a new perspective about the gf's behavior...

What if she purposely has a high expectation and tells the guy about it to help him to buck up and find a job soon? Especially when he has been jobless for quite some time, it does sometimes cause the girl to feel a bit insecure...

And also why propose marriage at this time? Is it because the threadstarter want to see whether the girl will stick through thick and thin with him? Or because he is afraid that the girl might leave him now that he is jobless and he hopes to "chain" the girl to him through some formal ties?

No offense, just some speculation on our part ;) And something for the threadstarter to think about...feel free to deny it if it is not true.
 

iamtroubled

New Member
to ans some questions

1stly yes my gf is working.

2ndly no,im not using tis method to chain her up or test whether she will stick tru thick n thin wif me,i have already stated the reason y is becos my grandpa's health condition is deteoriating and i reali hope to be able to fulfill his wish.maybe its not the correct reason to rush a marriage at tis point of time but my idea is,if i love my gf n wants to live my life wif her n if she is willing den im gonna push tru n hit 2 birds wif a stone.

as for job wise,call me stupid or stubborn,i have 3 offers on hand but i just wish to take a break from the industry.this is oso the reason y im finding it difficult to get a job cos im trying to go into a new area wifout any concrete experience.

right now im not receiving any help from any1 nor am i using my savings becos im still having a passive income of $700/mth as a sleeping partner in a small business with my frens.as for money wise,i just remembered i will be getting a cash handout of $1.5k tis sept tru my insurance plan,so yeah another 1.5k to my budget.other than tis insurance handouts i dun think i have any extra budget coming cos my fixed deposit of10k will only mature in another 2yrs n 3mths time.

last night we went to some jewellery shop n she saw a engagement ring n it costs ard 2.5k aft discounts n a pair of wedding band of ard 1.5k.im actually very happy dat she is willing to lower her expectations wifout me asking.

thanks to all for ur kind advice.good day...
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
I don't understand your mentality and priority.....

If bf is jobless and trying to kick-start his second career, I don't think I would be in the mood to get married, much less to be worried about a $5K or $3K engagement ring.
 

its_fate

Active Member
Well, he already conclude the answer himself and oso answer to most of my so call "speculation and innuendos" questions......

"if i love my gf n wants to live my life wif her n if she is willing den im gonna push tru n hit 2 birds wif a stone". (No $$$ still insist on married, I super blurred)

"i have 3 offers on hand but i just wish to take a break from the industry". (Got jobs but dun want to work, I again blurred)

"last night we went to some jewellery shop n she saw a engagement ring n it costs ard 2.5k aft discounts n a pair of wedding band of ard 1.5k.im actually very happy dat she is willing to lower her expectations wifout me asking". (Gal is "sensible" to lower expection under such critical circumstance, I indeed super blurred)

Wish U Good Luck in your Wedding Preparation... Your 15K will disappear in a blink of eyes
happy.gif
 

powderful07

New Member
Possible scenario...

3 months down the road...
Happily married with cheaper wedding rings and honeymoon trip to maldives or japan...

Savings : $0
Jobless...and no offers on hand

Ok...what next? Wife to support him?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"last night we went to some jewellery shop n she saw a engagement ring n it costs ard 2.5k aft discounts n a pair of wedding band of ard 1.5k.im actually very happy dat she is willing to lower her expectations wifout me asking".

This clearly shows that the girl does not appreciate the value and meaning of diamond, those rings and most important, marriage. Is this monkey see, monkey do - my friend is married, has engagement ring and wedding band, I also want? In the first place, I do have problem dealing with someone like that and I can't imagine marrying her if I were a man.

If just want to appease your grand dad, you can engage instead of plunging straight into marriage. Tell him the truth - that you are jobless and do not have the money to marry now.
 

its_fate

Active Member
Aiyah.. not for us to "Huan Lou" liao...

He happy can liao
happy.gif
Who know he win TOTO tonite and solve everything...
happy.gif


Oops.. I cannot speculate.. Paisay
happy.gif
I'll be the one winning then....
happy.gif
 


powderful07

New Member
Ok lah...
Anyway, it's none of our business if Alan chooses to act in this manner...

It's his money and it's his decision.

I'm just wondering why he go through all that hassle to seek for advice when he's already got his mind made up...
 

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