Please advise!

[qwertypie]

I am in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years, we are both in our mid-twenties. Since 2 years ago he has already been planning to pursue phD and post doc in UK for 5 years and recently, it just materialised. He will be going to UK somewhere end of next year. Our initial plan was to go together, and I obviously have to give up my career over here (not mentioning I'm just at the beginning of my career) but it was a mutual agreement.

However...
Things took for a change. He decided that I should stay in Sg to pursue my career. He is in fact very insistent on it. Of course, he did not decide on his own. He simply told me his view and discussed with me. I was very upset because it took me quite long to persuade my parents regarding this and now he have to give up on this idea. I am an emotional person and I tend to throw tantrums whenever he brings up this topic as I do not want to get into a LDR. Ever since when he stopped mentioning anything about his PhD.

Just very recently, we had a long talk and he wanted to end the relationship. He says that there were too many issues with us. We tend to have opposing views, and I am a very stubborn person in general. There were some faults on my part like not listening to him when he meant well, not visiting his parents as I just did not want to. I was also initially against him of pursuing his studies and he was deeply hurt by it. It is his passion and yet I can't support it. He even said things like 'to be realistic, why do I have to give up my passion for you?' It felt like a slap back to reality. I pondered and realised how ridiculous and immature I was. If I really love him, why am I stopping him from pursuing his dream?

He is also not very fond of my parents as he feels that my parents always pressurise him. He hardly visit my family too due to to his busy schedule and whenever he does visit, my parents will make sarcastic remarks at him 'wah so long never visit. so busy ah?' 'you have to visit us at least once a week' remarks like that pisses him off and I can understand how he feel.

I'm not sure what to do. He gave our relationship another chance to work out. I am willing to change for him, willing to spend more time with his family and love his family as much as he does. I am willing to go through this LDR with him but I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.

I can be very sure he loves me a lot, and I too, love him a lot. Any experts out there can advise me?

 

[4sgbrides]

He does not want you there in UK with him. I think it's an excuse for him to say that it is better for your career if you stay in SG. 5 years is a long time. I feel that if he were serious, he would have tied the knot before heading over to UK. He will be a single mid-twenties male in UK. Maybe he wants to have fun.

You should also do what is best for yourself, not for him.

 

[Infernolord]

4 years.. enough for ROM lah.
Why not ROM 1st then he move over. My friends are like that as well.
It give one a sense of trusts as well as commitments.
If the guy is serious enough, ROM with both families is reasonable. Else you shld think for yourself. In many cases, LDR tend to turn out bad. Guy/ger can be "single" and have best of both world.
No one knows what he is doing over there, but he has many eyes to see what you doing here... *u are at disadvantage as well

 

[candyapple]

ROM is a viable option but bear in mind it takes alot more than just a cert and ring to make LDR work. More so for 5 years. Since you considered and decided to head to UK with him, why is he suddenly so insistent on you staying in SG? For fear that you are not able to find a job there?

Anyway, I don't believe in the saying that if you love someone, you should set them free. Love is selfish (at least in my opinion. Or maybe I am just overall selfish ). But we should also nurture each other into the best that we can be.

If you do decide to stay in SG and do LDR, it really isn't easy. The emotional void and thoughts can weigh you down. It's really scary how emotions can make one crazy. Especially so if you are a needy and clingy gf, and when he gets busy with his studies and you with your job. A way to cope is that you focus on your career and him on completing his studies and at the end of the LDR, you 2 can be proud of each other's achievements and that you have grown and survived through this together.

 

[ing1]

Both of u are only in your mid twenties.. Still young. Its the best time to "chiong" for your career.

I believe LDR works (at least it works for me) but be realistic at the same time too. Both of u r attached, yet "single". It boils down to trust in one another. If u can manage the trust issue, then enjoy the LDR. Dun stress yourself up. Follow your heart.

RS, be it local or long distance, if it works, it will. If your bond is strong enuff, nothing can break u guys up. If bond is not strong, it will break up even if u r at UK w him. Just my tots.

 

[newproject]

However...
Things took for a change. He decided that I should stay in Sg to pursue my career. He is in fact very insistent on it. Of course, he did not decide on his own. He simply told me his view and discussed with me. I was very upset because it took me quite long to persuade my parents regarding this and now he have to give up on this idea.

Just very recently, we had a long talk and he wanted to end the relationship. He says that there were too many issues with us.

Dear Qwertypie I'm afraid I can't give you the answer you want.

I think the fact he is suddenly insistent you stay in sg is a red flag . What reason did he give for this change?

I suspect he was already planning to break up with you. This is his way of slowly distancing himself.

I'm sorry he may love you but it seems his passion takes precedence. As a man I can understand this. I was faced with a similar choice years ago..

The best thing you can do is let him go with love. If you truly love him you want him to be happy as clichéd as it seems.

Who knows the future you might get back together.

 

[miloice]

Dear Qwertypie I'm afraid I can't give you the answer you want.

I think the fact he is suddenly insistent you stay in sg is a red flag . What reason did he give for this change?

I suspect he was already planning to break up with you. This is his way of slowly distancing himself.

I'm sorry he may love you but it seems his passion takes precedence. As a man I can understand this. I was faced with a similar choice years ago..

The best thing you can do is let him go with love. If you truly love him you want him to be happy as clichéd as it seems.

Who knows the future you might get back together.

Not necessarily distancing her but he is having reservations about the future. He wants to leave things OPEN, avoiding commitments that would tie him down.