Need some advice

I

infinity0

New Member
My fiance and I were only together for about a year, before we decide to apply for an EC and which he propose to me later on.

Now, it's been a few months since he proposed to me, we decide to go to some bridal studios to check out the packages. On that day itself, he suddenly tell me that he feels it's going too fast, he dont feel ready to pay a deposit for a bridal package. Then he tells me he wants to be alone for that weekend to sort out some thoughts. I was quite taken aback as he was the one who initiated to go and visit the studios.

I've been feeling that he is regretting the proposal and probably wants to back out. We have been arguing frequently lately, and I think it probably boils down to personality misfit. There's also something at the back of my mind. Just last month, I found out that he attended an overnight singles dating event, but lied to me that he was out with his friends. I was devastated when I knew it, but later on I choose to forgive him. But I can't help thinking how many more things have he lied to me. Before this, I have caught him two more times lying to me - one time attending a singles event again, which he said a friend asked him to, another time when he went out to meet a female he knew from a singles event. I know it sounds stupid, but I have chosen to trust him even on the third time he lied to me.

But it's been taking a toll on me. Putting aside this, he has this frequent emotional outbreaks where he will suddenly need to have a few days of space where we dont contact / meet each other. Sometimes I know the reason why, sometimes I dont. He has been telling me that he feels my personality is too strong for him. And he feels my expectation on him as a bf is too high. Maybe.

I really dont know how to carry on this relationship, let alone marriage. Should I continue to try, or maybe a break up would be good for us?
 


I cannot tolerate lying so it's either he earns back that trust, or it is goodbye.

Is he apologetic about it? If yes then maybe you two can try to work things out? Perhaps delay the marriage till the key collection date?

If he isn't then chances are that he doesn't treasure you enough to want to share what's bothering him with you.
 
I think is better that u called off this rs immediately.....the moment both of u signed on the paper and house is bought...u will need to wait 3 yrs to divorce because of the house....at least now u can give it up first
 
+ 1 to move on

You are not married yet. He has been lying to you, please save yourself some dignity and move on. Otherwise, you will regret big time! If a man cant commit before marriage, then he cant be trusted to commit after marriage.
 
Can't comment on your relationship as I have no indepth understanding of you nor your bf. But one thing I can assure you is that lying is a cancer. It will eventually kill everything.
 
Sorry to hear about your problems. You guys are in your 30s?

But I think your relationship is basically over like many have said.

He may be just too chicken to tell you (because you too dominant/fierce? And he scared of you? )

Anyway take care. Sorry again.
 
infinity0 said:
I guess so, probably none of us have the courage to be the first one to call it quits.
Click to expand...

I think you shld really think wad went wrong with yourself before trying to find wad wrong with him ?
There are a few phrases in this rs.

Phrase 1. Are you beginning to feel that you do not know him anymore, and try to avoid meeting him.
Phrase 2.You begin to look for other guys or meet other friends instead of meeting your bf.
Phrase 3.This is the part where your bf get angry and confront you what has went wrong. You are checking how your bf manage this issues and confront you about the issues. Things can go well or very wrong here.
Phrase 4.Re-thinking if both are right for each other.
 
+1 on moving on

The fact that he has started lying (and ongoing) was probably a sign that he could be keeping more things from you. I can feel you as that was what happened to my previous rs before my current htb.

The trust that u have for him is already gone. You might say that u chose to forgive but u will never forget that. Even if both of u eventually walked down the aisle, that could be the start of more impending troubles.

A broken vase will never be the same even if u could stick them back together.

U hold on to ur own fate. Stay strong and do what u feel is right for urself.
 
Infernolord said:
haha.. bro.. this is self reflection ma. Once she sort out her mind what she wants. Then she will know how to call it quits..
Dun end up drag and drag... end of the day, only hatred and anger consume us.
Click to expand...
whack wrong person, should whack the guy for not doing a good job of keeping his activities a secret

infinity0 said:
I guess so, probably none of us have the courage to be the first one to call it quits.
Click to expand...
from what I read, your guy was wrong to do such activities. did you seek an answer on his actions? maybe he is freaked out to the marriage idea. some guys are not engineered to settle down early. And age matters, where we don't know about your age group and gap.

chill la, can find another guy de...
 
Hi infinity0, is this your first relationship or is it for him?

It seems like your relationship probably needs to mature a little more before you talk about marriage. Not maturity in terms of your personality, but rather maturity in terms of how you and him work things together during difficult times like this.

You have to first understand that relationships go through the honey moon period first before the actual reality hits you. During the honeymoon stage, both of you would be so much in love that you guys don't mind going the extra miles to make the other persons' day. But as time pass by (like the one year you mentioned), things start taking a toll, where the extra miles start to become unsustainable, and you start taking each other for granted. All relationships go through this turning point, and at many stages in the relationship. But it takes 2 people who are sincerely in love with each other to overcome this turning point together.

You mentioned your fiance has spoken that your personality might be too strong for him and that you have a high expectation that he cant keep up with. These could be signs that he is feeling the strain of this turning point in your relationship, or he could be having other concerns that you may not be aware of.

1 year is not a short time, neither is it a long time. You have to carefully think through if this is the relationship you really want to proceed on with for the rest of your life. i.e. Is this the man you want to marry? If it is, then I agree that you need to reflect like what Infernolord mentioned. Reflect on where it has gone right in your relationship and where it has gone wrong. If you really think it is your character that has affected the relationship, then do things (be it small or big) to prove that you can change for him.

But having said that, don't change if you don't think you've done anything wrong. You are who you are. If what you've shown is the real you and you think you've done what it takes to make things work, then it is time to rethink if this guy you've fallen madly in love with at first, is really the mr. right for you. One day you will meet someone who treasures you for who you are. (Don't give up a forest for a tree)

Remember, in a relationship, things are always changing. What you do today affects what happens tomorrow. And if holding on no longer matters, just let it go.
 
Hi all, thanks for the thoughtful advice, especially Infernolord and Merryl.

Both of us are in our early 30s..we only have an age gap of 1 year. I guess the first wrong step out was when we applied for the EC, because we are reaching the income ceiling soon (damn HDB policy).. so yes, we rushed into it and one event leads to another. There probably wasnt enough thought/time given for our relationship to mature before we talk about marriage.

After our last quarrel, we were ok for a while but we recently quarreled again. It has been straining. I have been thinking whether i'm really expecting too much from him, which results in my frustration and finally anger towards him. Eg. we went for a snorkeling trip overseas, and during the snorkeling itself, he always swims away from me / by himself, and just went up to the boat himself after he is done without waiting for me or seeing if I need help to get up the boat. As his gf, I dont feel protected at all, I mean even friends would look out for each other, or so I thought. He said that I've too high expectations.

It's small stuff like these that all adds up. Yes, I already dont feel that sense of connection/loveliness while with him, and I'm having a far better time out together with my friends. At least we laugh and joke together. With my bf, it's 80% tears and fights. I dont go out to look for other guys, this is the principle that I hold while in a relationship..regardless whether my bf is doing the same or not. Anyway, i've asked for a one mth cool down period...hopefully I will have the strength to follow through my decision then.
 
I think 1 year is too fast to get into marriage... It seems at beginning he is very happy and he wants to be married right away but after a few months realise how heavy his words would mean and how he would be shouldering responsibility from his marriage. The thought of settling down frightens him and he wants to back off and he's not so sure he wants to be with you for long-term so he's secretly keeping his options open. But once he lies, he is not a keeper. You should think twice before marrying him. Or you can hold off your marriage until both of you are stable.
 
It is not the duration but the maturity here. The expectations are not aligned. Why did you guys even want to marry for? Have a heart to heart talk before making any decision. Probably you guys need some time and space to store out internally if you really want a life together at all.
 
Why did we even want to marry for? I think both of us yearn to have our family and a home..and maybe because of our age, we succumb to social expectations and peer pressure. Yes, this is totally not a gd reason, we did not even think through whether we are indeed right for each other. (but then again, how do you tell if you have found The One?)

The trigger point about latest quarrel is about a staycation we planned. Originally, I wanted to go on a short overseas trip, but he violently objected (this, we have multiple quarrels already). Finally, I relented and agree to a staycation. He said he already took his leave and I can go ahead to book the hotel. So after abt a week, I booked the hotel and one day later he told me his leave was not approved and he has to work. Im like wth. I was quite furious and he just text me he will pay me half the cost of the room. I called him and he said what's the big deal, I can always ask other friends or go for the staycation alone. I told him I want to spend the time with him and what's more, it involves a weekday. Later on, he tell me this is all a test. He said it's true he can't take leave but he can make arrangements. In other words, he wants to see my reaction. I just told him off and said this is all so childish. In the first place we have already quarreled about an overseas trip and it change to a staycation and he still want to test me?? Seriously, I dont know what is he thinking...

our last tele-coversation involves him telling me we are not suitable, and we would be better off breaking up. He texted me 'Hope you can leave me alone from now on'...i can't believe one can be so heartless...he just proposed to me a few months ago and now, he don't even want to tell me he wants a break up face to face. Thats where i told him to cool down for one month and lets meet up face to face in a month's time. I have been repeating the events in my head and it still feels feels too sudden...
 
infinity0 said:
Why did we even want to marry for? I think both of us yearn to have our family and a home..and maybe because of our age, we succumb to social expectations and peer pressure. Yes, this is totally not a gd reason, we did not even think through whether we are indeed right for each other. (but then again, how do you tell if you have found The One?)

The trigger point about latest quarrel is about a staycation we planned. Originally, I wanted to go on a short overseas trip, but he violently objected (this, we have multiple quarrels already). Finally, I relented and agree to a staycation. He said he already took his leave and I can go ahead to book the hotel. So after abt a week, I booked the hotel and one day later he told me his leave was not approved and he has to work. Im like wth. I was quite furious and he just text me he will pay me half the cost of the room. I called him and he said what's the big deal, I can always ask other friends or go for the staycation alone. I told him I want to spend the time with him and what's more, it involves a weekday. Later on, he tell me this is all a test. He said it's true he can't take leave but he can make arrangements. In other words, he wants to see my reaction. I just told him off and said this is all so childish. In the first place we have already quarreled about an overseas trip and it change to a staycation and he still want to test me?? Seriously, I dont know what is he thinking...

our last tele-coversation involves him telling me we are not suitable, and we would be better off breaking up. He texted me 'Hope you can leave me alone from now on'...i can't believe one can be so heartless...he just proposed to me a few months ago and now, he don't even want to tell me he wants a break up face to face. Thats where i told him to cool down for one month and lets meet up face to face in a month's time. I have been repeating the events in my head and it still feels feels too sudden...
Click to expand...

So sorry to hear the heartache he caused u.it seems that he is not serious abt marrying u given his temperamental mood.(proposed then give up).it may be a gd thing if you guys decide to go on separate ways eventually.its way back then breaking up after signing on the dotted line.there will be even greater pain and issues involved thereafter.
 
infinity0 said:
Why did we even want to marry for? I think both of us yearn to have our family and a home..and maybe because of our age, we succumb to social expectations and peer pressure. Yes, this is totally not a gd reason, we did not even think through whether we are indeed right for each other. (but then again, how do you tell if you have found The One?)

The trigger point about latest quarrel is about a staycation we planned. Originally, I wanted to go on a short overseas trip, but he violently objected (this, we have multiple quarrels already). Finally, I relented and agree to a staycation. He said he already took his leave and I can go ahead to book the hotel. So after abt a week, I booked the hotel and one day later he told me his leave was not approved and he has to work. Im like wth. I was quite furious and he just text me he will pay me half the cost of the room. I called him and he said what's the big deal, I can always ask other friends or go for the staycation alone. I told him I want to spend the time with him and what's more, it involves a weekday. Later on, he tell me this is all a test. He said it's true he can't take leave but he can make arrangements. In other words, he wants to see my reaction. I just told him off and said this is all so childish. In the first place we have already quarreled about an overseas trip and it change to a staycation and he still want to test me?? Seriously, I dont know what is he thinking...

our last tele-coversation involves him telling me we are not suitable, and we would be better off breaking up. He texted me 'Hope you can leave me alone from now on'...i can't believe one can be so heartless...he just proposed to me a few months ago and now, he don't even want to tell me he wants a break up face to face. Thats where i told him to cool down for one month and lets meet up face to face in a month's time. I have been repeating the events in my head and it still feels feels too sudden...
Click to expand...

You guys have serious communication issues, personality and value differences that don't seem compatible.

on your question : but then again, how do you tell if you have found The One?

Well... sharing personally, when you build a relationship so special, when there is happiness despite adversities, when we are so pressurized and yet fulfilling together. When losing the partner is like living with an arm or leg. That I don't want a life without my partner.

The family, kids etc, came much later for us. We married in 2004, both not keen on children. It just happen naturally as we progressed in life, going through different stages, experiencing the passing of my father suddenly etc. Our views evolved.

So, I never need to look back or question if she is the one. The only doubts I had, in fights so bad, that I wondered if she will leave me.
 
adding on... testing you, this means, the trust isn't even there. If you cherish the relationship and want to make it work, don't rush it. Take steps to go back to dating to understand each other more and expect less. Don't be pressure and overwhelmed with all the planning and finances. You guys are clearly not ready for that yet.

There is a lack of commitment to the relationship. If pride is greater than the relationship, this is the way it will be with the person. ITs hard to change if a person value his pride more than logic and relationships.
 
Last edited:
Hi miloice, really envy you being able to find someone to share your life with...i dont think it's that easy.

i've put down my pride, i've told him i will improve myself and make efforts to strengthen the relationship..he said he despise me for doing that and texted a lot of harsh words... this is the most hurting of all. makes me wonder why I want to marry him in the first place..anyway, i've seen his true colours and will move on. It's not easy.

The sticky part is now the house and that both sides parents knew about our break up...his parents had came to ti2 qin1 and my mum is super unhappy that they want to back out now. hope everything will be sorted out soon...
 
infinity0 said:
Hi miloice, really envy you being able to find someone to share your life with...i dont think it's that easy.

i've put down my pride, i've told him i will improve myself and make efforts to strengthen the relationship..he said he despise me for doing that and texted a lot of harsh words... this is the most hurting of all. makes me wonder why I want to marry him in the first place..anyway, i've seen his true colours and will move on. It's not easy.

The sticky part is now the house and that both sides parents knew about our break up...his parents had came to ti2 qin1 and my mum is super unhappy that they want to back out now. hope everything will be sorted out soon...
Click to expand...

my sympathises . I guess you both 30s and around same age? then as a guy he probably think he has more time.

still in the long run this is better. if not compatible get married even more suffering.

the guy should have breakup with you cleanly sigh.

All I can say is it's not the end of the world. it will get better.

sending you good vibes.
 
infinity0 said:
Hi miloice, really envy you being able to find someone to share your life with...i dont think it's that easy.

i've put down my pride, i've told him i will improve myself and make efforts to strengthen the relationship..he said he despise me for doing that and texted a lot of harsh words... this is the most hurting of all. makes me wonder why I want to marry him in the first place..anyway, i've seen his true colours and will move on. It's not easy.

The sticky part is now the house and that both sides parents knew about our break up...his parents had came to ti2 qin1 and my mum is super unhappy that they want to back out now. hope everything will be sorted out soon...
Click to expand...

It's gd that he shows his true colors now.moving on is never easy but eventually all the pain will fade away.
 
Staypositive said:
It's gd that he shows his true colors now..
Click to expand...

think it takes two hands to clap in the relationship. we don't really know anything about their relationship,his answer seems strange (probably some back story we weren't told) so we shouldn't judge.

from the way she writes she also knows she got a lot of faults.

but sometimes even if you offer to try to change its still up to the other party choice to accept or not.

I personally think it's good that he didn't accept because I think the girl is forcing herself to be who she isn't and this may not be sustainable.

but I agree lah better to be alone happy then in a relationship unhappy.
 
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