Need help urgently!!

[Doolitlle]

me and my boyfriend wants to get married but im muslim and he is christian. My parents wants him to convert but his parents wont allow and want us to ROM. So was wondering if he can convert to muslim and not tell ROM he converted, can we go to ROM instead of ROMM? Will they know if he turned muslim? Is muslim written anywhere in his particulars if he converted? Like is there any record anywhere that u r muslim? Because if we go ROMM his parents will abandon him and he doesnt want that. Whereas if he doesnt convert, my parents will abandon me. So stress. Anyone done this before?

 

[bearine]

Religion will be a big issue. Marriage is not about just ROM, is a lifetime. What religion will your kids follow after marriage. One side have to give way, if not you will endless problems in future.
If I'm not wrong, after convert need to do declaration / re-register your IC, update on ICA side.

 

[miloice]

Religion will be a big issue. Marriage is not about just ROM, is a lifetime. What religion will your kids follow after marriage. One side have to give way, if not you will endless problems in future.
If I'm not wrong, after convert need to do declaration / re-register your IC, update on ICA side.

it is indeed a big issue. However, I don't agree the idea that children needs to follow the religion of either parent. Our role as parent is NOT to decide what faith they should place their religious beliefs on. It is something individual. Exposure to diversity in religion is not necessary a bad thing. If parents can demonstrate the mutual respect for each other faith, it is actually a good influence for the kids.

 

[bearine]

Well, if you follow certain religion, a kid would normally just follow, somehow will get influenced.
Given that TS' parents/parents-in law are pretty staunch, they will want to have a say in the upbringing of their grandchild as well. All these need to be resolved before marriage.
Eg. Muslim, the way food is being prepared.
Eg. Buddhism, no consumption of beef. Or some family practises vegetarian.

For me, I didnt convert to Christian, but still have a pastor to grace our wedding ceremony. Follow both side traditions. So, it can be quite tricky if TS intend to keep under wraps.

PS. Pardon me if it offend anyone, I'm not trying to be in any form of religion discrimination.

 

[miloice]

On what you said, it would be true for traditions and not religion. I grew up in a christian environment but struggled with the faith and all its guilt trap that is enforced more by people than the faith. The fear of entering a temple, holding joss sticks. I believe kids should not be made to decide, we should expose them to different faith, allowing them to explore and make up their own mind. It is not about religion discrimination. Its about finding out for ourselves. I don't hate Christians nor the faith.

 

[kinkedtail]

It would be nice if it were applied to tradition not religion. However, people tend to feel even more strongly for their religion. If they are staunch believers, they may feel all the more that their way is right and hence the children should be brought up the right way.

At least, this is my personal experience and what I have observed around me. My own parents who I thought were quite relaxed people completely flipped when I went to a church (they are taoists and I only went out of curiosity). They were afraid that after death, we would not meet in heaven etc.

How much worse would the problem be if the couple are of different religion? Don't forget the parents, other relatives.

I agree though that it's not just about the ROM. What about after?

I suggest pre-marriage counseling. I found it quite helpful and serve as a platform to thrash out matters with a third party there. According to my counsellor, most issues are unsolvable and what's important us how to manage the issue, and that's what couples r supposed to gain from the sessions.

 

[MayDay5]

Religion will be the big issue. ..

 

[Nurarissa]

Hello

You can still choose to ROM and not ROMM even if he has converted.

After conversion, you will get a convert card but you do not need to make any changes to your IC, etc. You can call Darul Arqam and they will help you with many of the queries that you have. In fact, they were the ones who advised me that if I choose not to change my particulars in my official documents, it is fine (too troublesome!)

hopefully this helps!

 

[Nurarissa]

Oh btw... They will ask whether you have attended a course on knowing Islam (10 lessons) which is free. Not sure whether they will enforce it to be a must before conversion.

 

[miloice]

It would be nice if it were applied to tradition not religion. However, people tend to feel even more strongly for their religion. If they are staunch believers, they may feel all the more that their way is right and hence the children should be brought up the right way.

At least, this is my personal experience and what I have observed around me. My own parents who I thought were quite relaxed people completely flipped when I went to a church (they are taoists and I only went out of curiosity). They were afraid that after death, we would not meet in heaven etc.

How much worse would the problem be if the couple are of different religion? Don't forget the parents, other relatives.

I agree though that it's not just about the ROM. What about after?

I suggest pre-marriage counseling. I found it quite helpful and serve as a platform to thrash out matters with a third party there. According to my counsellor, most issues are unsolvable and what's important us how to manage the issue, and that's what couples r supposed to gain from the sessions.

Well... we cannot change our parents mindset. Its more about the couple themselves and how they want to raise their kids. Don't assume. What is important is the couple are open and align their expectations and ideals on how to raise their children. I'm more inclined towards Christianity values while my wife towards Buddhism, although we are free thinkers. There is no conflict. Its how the couple manages it.

 

[kinkedtail]

Yes I'm assuming that it will be a problem. I still think so. Better to be safer than sorrier. But then again, no one knows the situation better than the couple, and i agree it's up to the couple to stand firm. Whether they can do so or not, it's still a problem and there will be pressure from family.

Anyways, you mentioned you and your wife are free thinkers. So there shouldn't be much conflict no? Your situation is not the same as TS.

Anyway, hope TS has managed to resolve her situation, and all the best to her.

 

[infojunkie]

"My parents wants him to convert but his parents wont allow and want us to ROM"

"if we go ROMM his parents will abandon him and he doesnt want that. Whereas if he doesnt convert, my parents will abandon me"


i see that ur very young and still very much depend on ur parents both emotionally and financially. why not stay put for now and see what the future may hold? the older u get, the better u think i guess. perhaps u might get over that heady rush and find urself not so keen to marry anymore. so until then, just go on dating and meeting new ppl *smile*

oh btw, if ur bf gets to convert and marry u, ur future kids will follow ur faith too. it's a sure thing.