I need some advice. Here is my situation and here goes:
I have a fairly early marriage at 22 while wife was 19. She is a foreigner and since she had to return home after completing studying English, we decided to tie the knot to keep her in the country. Obviously this decision came with strong objections from family, nonetheless we settled down eventually. Due to the young age to start a family, I was quite adamant to provide the best for the family and worked hard to buy a house. Life was challenging when working long hours and sometimes 7 days a week. While at work, it was clear that a diploma alone would be the obvious red tape to propel my career. Thus the opportunity came up to study a part time degree began with a significant challenge chapter in my life. There was definite struggle balance between work performance, studies and family. I have often realized that with so much on my shoulders my temper was obviously a lot harsher to wife. I know of my problems and made requests to wife to always remind me whenever my temper sways.
Most likely it was my neglect that started a difficult chapter in my life when I found out she was cheating. I understand she might not have done it on purpose as I know she has always been quite gullible. I forgave her knowing she still loves me and promised me it would not repeat. Although we both know she loves me more than I do to her, it still broke my heart and I have difficulty coping since. To make the relationship work I had to hide my feelings whenever certain situations reminded me of the incident.
After graduation, life was back on track and has been pretty smooth since. An opportunity came up to work overseas and since it was a good idea to move away from a sad place and start something new, I went ahead and she followed me. It was not long after she could not handle the new place and went back home for a couple of times. She has always a very religious nature and I had no objections at all since it was suppose to be a good thing. When she wanted to travel to some religious places for visit with friends I supported whole heartily.
Since we were quite financially stable we decided to add a new member to the family after more than 10 years. It was wonderful, but due to my work commitments the family had to remain at home country while I am away. It was probably my lack of communication that I came to realize that she was acting very much different in her religious nature. She started to avoid meat but when questioned she would deny that it was due to religious belief. With further probing it was obvious that the religious group she was attached to was deeply in religious belief. I would observe as almost a cult since she was made to believe that gods can take over the senior member of the group and take to them and pass instructions. As a man of science I was obviously in absolute doubt of this and demanded her to stay away. Without success I tried to persuade her from the belief and challenged her thinking process but it was obviously in vain.
In order to explore her beliefs I have taken up vegetarian food and visited once to the so called temples. I could have made a scene but I did not want to embarrass her. I can see some of the members are quite obsessed and stubborn. After a couple of years, the relationship was drifting and it came to a point of time to discuss on separation and possible divorce. She was upset and did not want the follow the procedure, she flew over to my place. To maintain my stand I made clear to sleep in separate rooms to avoid confusion as I know this have been my weakness to soften my pride on any conflict. With the many nights she seduced me like never before, I pushed her away and she cried. It was upsetting to see her despair, and eventually I foolishly gave in. I am not sure it it was done on purpose but more 2 months later she revealed she was pregnant. We have always had very good control given the fact that we only planned for our first child after 10 years of marriage. I had recalled that night when she kept insisting it was safe. I was in distraught why would such an incident happen at this point of time. Many of my close friends pointed towards a probable plot for me to give in to our predicament.
I was tipping towards mad and almost immediately requested for a divorce, my family members stepped in and counseled. My elder brother helped to explain to my wife that it was not a good time for a baby in our current situation and would be unfair for the baby if we were to be separated. I know that while the child is innocent and she being religiously involved would not abandon the baby. While in heated arguments she had threatened to disappear with my first child and unborn baby. Eventually my elder brother persuaded me to keep cool for the time being and to remain status quo until the mother and new born child is in stable condition.
To be honest, while the second child is growing up I have not done very much my role as a father. I still have very strong negative feelings on what I would always recall as a ‘Lie’ whenever I have the chance to meet the family. Till now which is more than 5 years of living alone overseas I have not been involved very much as a husband or father. It is more like a distant friend which I have been generously supporting financially. On a side note she is making the second child a pure vegetarian since birth allowing even only soya milk which both my family and myself are quite upset being that the child has no freedom of choice.
While we are both not getting any younger and would definitely have many more years ahead of our life, I am in a dilemma on how to approach for this situation. While I have thought of first getting an official separation with my lawyer and decide later on, I do not see a solution and would appreciate some thoughts and feedback. Thanks in advance.
I have a fairly early marriage at 22 while wife was 19. She is a foreigner and since she had to return home after completing studying English, we decided to tie the knot to keep her in the country. Obviously this decision came with strong objections from family, nonetheless we settled down eventually. Due to the young age to start a family, I was quite adamant to provide the best for the family and worked hard to buy a house. Life was challenging when working long hours and sometimes 7 days a week. While at work, it was clear that a diploma alone would be the obvious red tape to propel my career. Thus the opportunity came up to study a part time degree began with a significant challenge chapter in my life. There was definite struggle balance between work performance, studies and family. I have often realized that with so much on my shoulders my temper was obviously a lot harsher to wife. I know of my problems and made requests to wife to always remind me whenever my temper sways.
Most likely it was my neglect that started a difficult chapter in my life when I found out she was cheating. I understand she might not have done it on purpose as I know she has always been quite gullible. I forgave her knowing she still loves me and promised me it would not repeat. Although we both know she loves me more than I do to her, it still broke my heart and I have difficulty coping since. To make the relationship work I had to hide my feelings whenever certain situations reminded me of the incident.
After graduation, life was back on track and has been pretty smooth since. An opportunity came up to work overseas and since it was a good idea to move away from a sad place and start something new, I went ahead and she followed me. It was not long after she could not handle the new place and went back home for a couple of times. She has always a very religious nature and I had no objections at all since it was suppose to be a good thing. When she wanted to travel to some religious places for visit with friends I supported whole heartily.
Since we were quite financially stable we decided to add a new member to the family after more than 10 years. It was wonderful, but due to my work commitments the family had to remain at home country while I am away. It was probably my lack of communication that I came to realize that she was acting very much different in her religious nature. She started to avoid meat but when questioned she would deny that it was due to religious belief. With further probing it was obvious that the religious group she was attached to was deeply in religious belief. I would observe as almost a cult since she was made to believe that gods can take over the senior member of the group and take to them and pass instructions. As a man of science I was obviously in absolute doubt of this and demanded her to stay away. Without success I tried to persuade her from the belief and challenged her thinking process but it was obviously in vain.
In order to explore her beliefs I have taken up vegetarian food and visited once to the so called temples. I could have made a scene but I did not want to embarrass her. I can see some of the members are quite obsessed and stubborn. After a couple of years, the relationship was drifting and it came to a point of time to discuss on separation and possible divorce. She was upset and did not want the follow the procedure, she flew over to my place. To maintain my stand I made clear to sleep in separate rooms to avoid confusion as I know this have been my weakness to soften my pride on any conflict. With the many nights she seduced me like never before, I pushed her away and she cried. It was upsetting to see her despair, and eventually I foolishly gave in. I am not sure it it was done on purpose but more 2 months later she revealed she was pregnant. We have always had very good control given the fact that we only planned for our first child after 10 years of marriage. I had recalled that night when she kept insisting it was safe. I was in distraught why would such an incident happen at this point of time. Many of my close friends pointed towards a probable plot for me to give in to our predicament.
I was tipping towards mad and almost immediately requested for a divorce, my family members stepped in and counseled. My elder brother helped to explain to my wife that it was not a good time for a baby in our current situation and would be unfair for the baby if we were to be separated. I know that while the child is innocent and she being religiously involved would not abandon the baby. While in heated arguments she had threatened to disappear with my first child and unborn baby. Eventually my elder brother persuaded me to keep cool for the time being and to remain status quo until the mother and new born child is in stable condition.
To be honest, while the second child is growing up I have not done very much my role as a father. I still have very strong negative feelings on what I would always recall as a ‘Lie’ whenever I have the chance to meet the family. Till now which is more than 5 years of living alone overseas I have not been involved very much as a husband or father. It is more like a distant friend which I have been generously supporting financially. On a side note she is making the second child a pure vegetarian since birth allowing even only soya milk which both my family and myself are quite upset being that the child has no freedom of choice.
While we are both not getting any younger and would definitely have many more years ahead of our life, I am in a dilemma on how to approach for this situation. While I have thought of first getting an official separation with my lawyer and decide later on, I do not see a solution and would appreciate some thoughts and feedback. Thanks in advance.
