Maintaining a healthy marriage, how to?

There are all kinds of people around. Finding someone pure in heart and value is difficult, when you do, its worth everything.
 


Feeling lousy tonight... really lousy. Was looking for some of my old self photo earlier and saw photos that we took together since we started dating. We were so loving and happy then... everything was just about us, our love and our future. Why did we ended up this way? Really regretted to start finding for my photo, else I won't saw what I shouldn't. The pain is back again... argh.. this is irritating.
 
Hi cremechoc, have been following the thread as a silent reader. I'm sure getting over a failed marriage and a failed relationship are different in nature but ultimately it is about moving on.

I'm not sure how you usually get over your past relationships, some throw all evidence away for fear of reliving the pain whilst others (like myself) expose myself to these wounds constantly hoping that one day it would stop hurting and these will just be memories.

For sure there will be period of "how I wish things could be better if I did more or something about it" but bear in mind, while you are still hurting, does he even care? It may hurt thinking about it yet it is a reality.

Cheer up, you've got plenty of your thread followers rooting for you! Have a good cry, go for a girls' night out with drinks and live the life you always wanted.
 
Hi Missus_ Wong, thanks for your encouragement. I'm someone who actually likes to keep everything as memories although looking thru them hurts a lot. I usually just chuck them one side, and perhaps the next time when I dare to look at them again may be years later. I still do not have the courage to clear our photos on Facebook cox there's too many memories. Every bit of it meant so much but they're nothing now. At times I felt closing my acct which is much easier but can't bear to do so. May be 1 day I will but it takes time.

I seem like looking for a life boey now. Back to clubbing scenes, knowing pple, getting attentions. . Just anything that makes me feel good. Met someone who's really nice to me but I'm so afraid to get involved with anyone now... I think I really likes him but I know im not ready. .. ive rejected him a few times even tho im dying to hold him everytime. I knew my words and action had hurt him, but i just want to be sure hes the one and i want to settle all my stuff first else its unfair to him. The saddest part.. he stopped contacting me one fine day, which I thought we could still be friends. I'm sad to lose a friend. I know I'm still emotionally unstable but why can't a man and a woman start off as friends only. I just need friends now, not a relationship until I've recovered.
 
Looks like we're quite the same in dealing with memories..take your time really, until today, I have these memories both physical and non-physical lying around...you could say it's my way of moving on - these are a living reminder of the mistakes I used to make and I should never forget about them. The whole clubbing, getting back into the social circle phase I've done it all - gotten drunk even on several occasions to erase the pain that haunts everytime I'm awake.

You're right in wanting not wanting to quickly jump into another relationship so readily to be fair to both of you. How about you try to communicate your ideas to him and see if you can align your friendship with him. If he is really sincere, he would wait for you to be ready. Would hanging out with just girlfriends help so you needn't worry about the intentions of these guys who are showering their attention on you?
 
Missus_Wong, what happened to you? R you moving on well? I do hope things get better for you real soon.

For me and the new guy is kinda impossible due to our age gap. He is so much younger where most guys at his age (slightly above mid 20s) should focus more on fun and his career. Whereas for me... if I want to be in a relationship, I would want to go for stability. I doubt he can give me the sense of security as he seem too popular among the ladies. Beside that is maturity level, tho he may be much mature than his age, but its still young. I've shared my views to him few times but he do not seem to understand, but eagerly just wanting me to be with him. I needed time but he couldn't wait.. I am fine but just sad that he can just stopped contacting just that way.

I don't know why, I felt irritated when another guy became too nice to me. Why can't they just treat me as friends and hangout as normal. I don't like such hidden agenda. And weird, both guys are nice and did same thing, one I felt comfortable but the other I felt disturb. Haha

I don't have much gfs actually and have limited friends. I felt my life really shucks and upside down now, just tired of everything. Beside partying, drink drank drunk... there's nothing more I am looking forward to. I know its bad but just helpless. ..
 
Cremechoc, actually platonic friendship is such a subjective thing because there is often the attraction in place. It could be non sexual, just admiration and respect, but still, there is some form of attraction that normally motivates the social bonding. We are emotional and sexual creatures, so it is nothing so surprising about it either. The hidden agenda are more for people that have the objective rather than appreciating the bonding itself.

Instead of indulging in drinks, ever consider to pick up new hobbies/interests instead? Start on some exercise regime and setting challenging goals that requires all your focus. For example, you can try buiding the best body you ever have, cutting the body fat to the lowest you ever achieved. From it, it drains excessive energy, allows your mind to focus in something else, you will get better with a fitter and healthier body. Exercising is a great way to feel better about yourself.
 
I had a failed relationship with an ex bf that threw me and my family into an emotional mess and definitely, I've moved on. I'm getting married next year :) But what you've mentioned in the above posts, I've gone through it all and would like to encourage you that you will reach the rainbow at the end of the tunnel. Until then, you need to grit your teeth and work through these bad days.

Did you meet him at the pub? He probably wanted some fun and no commitment actually.. well, trust your instincts about who's good and bad. It is fair for you to let your hair down and have fun but be careful.

How about you find a new past time? I took up zumba during that period and have been zumbaing regularly.
 
hi missus_wong, if you are into zumba, you can also check up Shuan T's workouts. Closest product would be the Rockin' Body which is more contemporary/club type dance and Zumba is Latin dancing. Cheers.
 
Yeah, I love to go for some classes as well to make myself fitter and healthier but sometimes gg alone can be less motivating. I have videos from Shaun t and another trainer - insanity, hip hop, turbo jam and turbo fire but just couldn't keep myself working out long enuff. I'm quite interested in zumba actually. . I love dancing, always club to dance. How much did you pay for zumba classes?
 
cremechoc,

"but just couldn't keep myself working out long enuff."

why? You don't have to follow the same pace as the trainer, work at your own pace, focusing on maintaining a good form than high pace. Keep going and don't stop. Overtime, you will naturally improve. Don't even bother to follow that schedule to get progress, the workouts are so intense, as long as you manage to go through them, it gives you enough calorie burn and overall muscle toning. It is the intensity that helps in the calorie burn, so u need to keep your rest periods short and don't stop moving.
 
Cremechoc said:
Npyl, I've sent pm to you.

Milo, I'm trying but its so difficult. I've not pinning any hope and been thinking of the worst scenario and how to move on. I had the little hope until he text me yday, which I tot he had cool down and thinking about me. Although the text messages we had were just normal conversation and he wasn't as active as before.. but it did give me some hope as he had totally ignore me ever since this hitted us.

Yes, I'm still in shock, but this probably my karma. This is his 2nd marriage, and we met when he was on verge of divorcing his ex wife. Tho I'm was not the one to break them up, but I believe with my presence, it made him more firm to leave her. What he is doing now is exactly the same, moving out etc. He told me he had wanted to leave me so many times but he stayed on coz he was soft hearted. Now, I dunno if there another 3rd party, but I'm sure he is escaping to meet me, afraid I will drama or he will soft hearted again. He din even give me a chance to talk to him. I wanted us to start from casual msges so as not to pressure him and he may be more receptive to meet me. But after he came back to clear his stuff, all my hopes are gone.
Click to expand...

hi cremechoc,

Base on my own real experience and what i've read/heard from others,all his behavoir shows that he might be has an affair...chance is quite high
 
Heyhey!! How's everyone doing? Din come in for long time cox my story here only remind me the bad days.. still trying to move on well but there are days whereby I can be quite emo... guess all just the journey to recovery, I'm sure all these just temporary.

Missus Wong, I had went for my first zumba lesson last week. Was really fun!! Thanks for the recommendations. =)

Milo, I Was referring that I can't stay on my exercise routine and will get lazy after few days. Haha. But am trying to motivate myself to do myself more healthy.

Seriously, I felt my life in a mess lately... I still continue to party every week and each time it nv failed to get myself intoxicated. I really dislike my life now... but subconsciously I still looked forward to each Friday. Contradicting right. Every time I will tell myself moderate drinking will do fine, but I just cannot control myself from indulging more alcohol everytime. Really hate myself for doing all these but this is the only time I can free my mind. Till date, there's really no one that I can turn to.. to express my inner self, I'm always showing that I'm alrite... but seriously, I'm not even sure what myself is thinking.

I will be meeting him tomorrow. .. to go thru the details of how we should go about. Finally the day has come.. and soon it will be over. I hope.. I will go thru this remaining period gracefully...
 
Ayaya, as what Milo has said... I have decided to move on so it doesn't really matters if he has an affair. Nothing will change the facts.

A lot of pple been telling me to ask for alimony from him and I do understand where they are coming from. I'm not too sure if its necessary but I don't think I will ask for one. don't really see the need... actually I also don't know. Lol
 
Creme: My one advice to you, if you want to meet decent guys, stop meeting them at clubs and expecting them to be just friends.

I am a guy too, and the only reason most guys club is to know girls, and if they can get lucky, why not?

You can still party, although I think the drink till you are intoxicated is just asking for trouble, but don't harbour any intention of meeting your next partner there. It is unlikely to happen.

I wish you all the best in picking up the broken pieces.
 
Hi Adamatine

Don't worry, I don't intend to meet my next partner from any clubs. Even if I met anyone now, they are just simply friends. I've met a few but seriously, I do not feel anything for anyone. . even to those I've met at non clubbing places. I don't have any intention to start any relationship until I am more ready.

Met up with my hb last weekend and I ended feeling confused after that as he gave me the feelings that we may have chances to reconcile. I'm not too sure if I've read too much in it.. but so far he agreed to meet up again for leisure coming week and he's also okay for me to join him for a trip when he's outstationed. Knowing him.. he would have decline my suggestions if he's really not comfortable with. During the meet up, at certain point can see that he is controlling his emotion esp when we both were sharing our struggles at the start of the separation. I do not know if I should continue to meet him or just cut off all connections with him as I know its tougher for me to move on if we are still contacting each other.
 
Just a short few days ago you said you were determined to leave and now you are hesitating. I think you are still unsure of what to do, and that is fine.

You will need time to sort out your thoughts.

Of course reconciliation is the best, but if the cracks will always show,I don't know how anyone can live with it for the rest of their lives.
 
Hi Chemechoc,

Don't feel panic n try to cool down.

Nowadays, all men are weird. Its just a simple of thing n they make it big. You're right. They treat relationship like a game.

How long have u been married?

Pm me if u need listener.
 
nowadays people are so into their gadgets, so how to communicate?
is like half of our day we are slogging at work, then remaining half sleeping, then remaining texting/playing FB/playing hp, still gt time to communicate?

my bf also love to play his hp games. i told him i can also dl some game and play using my hp. but we will end up like that couple over there (pointing some couple who only focus their hp during the dinner and not each other). if this is what you want, we can do it. i think he pretty much get the hint. but of course he will take it that I'm seeking for attention =/
 
My husband use to play his hp also. I did nag with him regarding tis.

now, we are separate. Huh.. some guy don't like his wife to nag.
He always msg his camp mate.. I feel he seems got more topic to talk instead of talking with me.
I wonder why guy are weird nowadays.
 
To be fair, not just guys. Nobody likes to be nag at.
 
Hi Cremechoc,

In marriage, there is always up and down. This is why we vowed during solemnization to standby each other through happiness and sadness.
During low period, we will have negative thoughts and see only negative things such as he don't care, he is cold towards me, etc. We have to understand these are nature reactions. But do not let these thoughts overcome you. To move on is the easiest way out, but ask yourselves if you have learnt your lesson before moving on? Is this what you really want? If this crisis never kill a marriage will make it stronger and let both of you grow to a higher level.

Relationship nowadays are very vulnerable due to too many lust and activities around us.
Humans have their needs. You needs and his needs might be different. But it is a wonderful to have 2 different people getting together and become one complete entity. Take this chance to understand his need and be honest with him on your need. Spend more time with each other.

Remember when you are angry, don't talk. Nothing good will come out from your mouth.
When you are happy, don't make promise.
When you are sad, don't make decision.

Ultimately, the choice is yours.
 
Hi Adelene and hows everyone doing? Hope everyone been doing well. Time flies and its already the 4th month since me and my hb parted. Both of us nv text nor meet up after the last session, even if there's is they are just merely for the divorce procedure. I'm keeping a rational mind towards him and had thought it through. .. I don't think I will be able to accept him again even if there's a chance... so keeping the distance from him is always better. I don't even answer his calls until I'm ready to talk.

I remembered how I yearned to receive calls from my ex bfs, or to call them after the broke up, but my reactions towards my hb is totally opposite. A friend told me... its probably he had hurt me the greatest and therefore I've build a thick wall towards him. And when a woman is utterly disappointed, her heart will be dead and never look back.

I can never forget the pain he brought to me and my family. I don't hate him but I will never forget. It still bring me tears whenever I think of what he did but I don't miss him. Friends who witnessed my fall from day 1 to now, they felt I'm too strong coz Ive been reacting like nothing had happened which made them pretty worried. Should I really grief or cry out loud? I'm not sure if the day will come but right now I'm still quite calm.

I've learnt to enjoy my life doing things alone. Basically really alone... chilling out at the bar alone, planning to travel alone and gg for movies alone. They aren't that bad afterall. When bored and needed someone to chat, I can spend my day texting different friends to chat anything under the sun. When tired, I will just cuddle my bolster and roll on my bed and nap whole day long. I've my freedom now. No one can help, except myself. I'm embracing my better future day by day, facing the reality, hoping I will have the courage to love again.

Hope anyone who going through this same shit with me will embrace it well too.
 
Hi cremehoc,

With total disappointment, I agreed that woman will want a clear cut from the hurtful source. Be yourself. Why do you have to grieve over it? U hv done your best. rem that each day progress will be a better day for you. Soon, you can forget this person. You deserve someone who will appreciate you. He is just not the correct person.
 
Hi Cremechoc,

reading through the posts and finding some similarities.

Think you may have handled the marriage in a different manner from what a man wants.

1) Men connect through sex (pardon me for saying this), that is why there are so many jokes about how men think.
2) Men may be grateful if you do the household chores and cook etc, but communication is much more important. Doesn't help if there is no time to talk to each other. Prioritise the marriage, not the chores. Enjoy each other's company instead.
3) Doing small things for him. Doesn't quite work. My soon to be ex wife does a lot of small things for me too. While that may make a woman really happy, that is not what I am looking for. So he may be appreciative of all these efforts, but that may not touch his heart as much (from a man's point of view).

On verge of divorce myself. Anyone looking for support group or platonic friends, please PM me. Probably need it myself to get over all that pain. Trying to distract myself from thinking too much about my bad marriage.
 
Hi Life_is,

Sadly to say, my hb will be the exceptional case. He do not need to connect through sex. He need more understanding and concern. I think, not all of them does.
 
Guess you can also connect through deep conversations. Personally, I enjoy having deep conversations with people who can understand what I'm talking about. Managed to chat with a friend for five hours, but can't hold a minute of conversation with wife.
 
Crème Choc,

I am a registered member of SB, since years back (when I was still single). Sadly, I'm going through the same crap.

Wife and I knew each other for a very short period of time and got married cos of the passion and love for each other. Thought that love would overcome many of the differences. Like herself, she has commitment to her family, even after we married. While, I have some obligations to my own family. Like expenditures for my ageing folks.

Falling in love with her was an indescribable process. We didn't know each other well enough. Worse was I didn't appreciate the gravity of the underlying differences. For her, she had strong views. While, I had my own personal views. When we quarrel, there is often no conclusion. Both of us don't give way and only pretended past problems were over. That was another mistake. Misunderstandings accumulated and grew even more significant.

I know I wasn't the best husband. I work throughout the week and my priorities are to work. Sometimes, she would wait for me to reach home, just to say "good night" and hug. She had definitely fallen asleep at times, while waiting. I didn't express my appreciation that well.

She was a wonderful woman. Made time for my family and did things which I never thought of doing, like buying a X'mas log cake for my family. Appreciated that. And, she bothered to bring my folks out to shop. No other girl in my life did all those. Personally, I wouldn't take initiative to do all that, until she took action to arrange for family gatherings. Her priorities are always family first.

My mistake was, I took her for granted. Never said enough of "I love you dear" and hug her enough before she hit the sack.

Despite all the wonderful things she did and her dedication to me and my family, things didn't go too smoothly. We quarrelled and these got worse each time.... because old issues were brought up. Old issues which were supposedly resolved get brought up again and again. When this happens, we sleep separately. It was an agonising process. I lost sight of why I was in this.

The thing which broke everything was the issue of having a child. I was tired. Didn't want to have a kid, when our problems are already so overwhelming. Expectations of what she wanted me to do also added on the pressure. It was all the more aggravated when her family wanted her to bear a child. I just knew that it won't work if we have a kid just for the sake of satisfying expectations. I am not the traditional guy who believes in having kids to carry on family name. Instead, my point of view is to have kid because she and I want to do it together.

It was tiring to fight over this. Expectations and old issues keep coming up. Yet, I miss her and love her deeply.

When she returned the wedding band to me, I felt broken.... inside. Didn't know how to face tomorrow. Looking at her and my wedding bands, I miss the time when we fell for each other without expectations and with pure passion. That was the reason why we got married. We always look forward to getting married. But, love and staying together are not the same. Staying together posed other issues. We didn't see things eye to eye. Even the most mundane things became issues. It was a blunt test on our love for each other.

After months of fighting, we finally agreed to go to the law firm to resolve it once and for all. I didn't want to fight over and over with her. Rather that our memories of each other do not turn sour. At least, if it doesn't work out, I hope we would end off on friendly terms and that we won't be dreading the feeling of seeing each other. I know I began to dread the feeling of going home towards the end. She knew.

Honestly, what does marriage represent? For me, its companionship and wanting to spend the rest of life together with that someone. It may not culminate with having a child. What matters is both parties yearn for each other and want to go through the rest of life through all good and bad times. Having a kid is a by product of this process. If kid is the main reason for marriage, IVF will do the job cheaper, better and faster. That's my view. Its really tiring.

Also to share with everyone, do not marry someone just because you love her. Marry someone that you can live with. Life is neither too short nor too long. It is too short to make mistakes and also too long to live with mistakes. Wish everyone a happy 2014.
 
life_is said:
Guess you can also connect through deep conversations. Personally, I enjoy having deep conversations with people who can understand what I'm talking about. Managed to chat with a friend for five hours, but can't hold a minute of conversation with wife.
Click to expand...

Actually, this is ironic. Your wife is your other half.

Same here. I could hardly share much with my wife. Usually end up scared she remember and use it to quarrel next time. :(
 
lonely_desire78 said:
Actually, this is ironic. Your wife is your other half.

Same here. I could hardly share much with my wife. Usually end up scared she remember and use it to quarrel next time. :(
Click to expand...

I don't intend to share anything with her anymore because she tells her mother everything. And her mother always manages to use every situation to make us quarrel or make things worse. Her mother is also the worst kind of in laws you can imagine. Better to just keep quiet at home and have normal conversations outside with others.
 
There is no such things as a you not doing enough for her..not saying enough i love you or blah blah....you are who you are....if she loves u....she will accept you for who you are...it is quite obvious that she loves herself and expect to mold you into the type of guy you love.....i still remember my own friend who divorce his years....for 2 - 3 years he keep on thinking that he must not be good enough...that's why she divorce him...one day he woke up and realize that he was just being himself....It is better to find someone who love u for who you are...then to find a person who expect you to change to someone you are not.....After all Rome is not build in a day....changing oneself to suit another is not realistic..one day u might even stare at the mirror and wonder who is inside the mirror if u change too much....:D:D:D
 
life_is said:
I don't intend to share anything with her anymore because she tells her mother everything. And her mother always manages to use every situation to make us quarrel or make things worse. Her mother is also the worst kind of in laws you can imagine. Better to just keep quiet at home and have normal conversations outside with others.
Click to expand...

At least, you know who she shares with. Better than don't know. Your case sounds like what my mum went through when she just got married.

Honestly, friends also play a big role, like in some cases. Friend teach friend. Friend teach wife. Good thing not so bad. Bad thing = die.... And, the things wife listens to, also can be pivotal as well. In my case, her friend taught her to fight with me. :'(

I agree. I also felt the exact same thing. Nothing much can share. Share liao also scared. Then again, wouldn't you agree that its a recipe for a distancing relationship? Our other half is supposed to be the person we share the most with. If we can't even put down our mask to say something, its quite tragic. Sighzzzz.... And, its a stupid vicious cycle too......
 
uglydude said:
There is no such things as a you not doing enough for her..not saying enough i love you or blah blah....you are who you are....if she loves u....she will accept you for who you are...it is quite obvious that she loves herself and expect to mold you into the type of guy you love.....i still remember my own friend who divorce his years....for 2 - 3 years he keep on thinking that he must not be good enough...that's why she divorce him...one day he woke up and realize that he was just being himself....It is better to find someone who love u for who you are...then to find a person who expect you to change to someone you are not.....After all Rome is not build in a day....changing oneself to suit another is not realistic..one day u might even stare at the mirror and wonder who is inside the mirror if u change too much....:D:D:D
Click to expand...

You are damn right. We are what we are. Also to add, expectations kill a relationship, especially unspoken ones.

Your explanation is easy to understand, yet many people still commit the same "mistake" in trying to change their other half.

An appropriate analogy I can think of is, marriage not like buying clothes. Clothes can be tailored to the consumer, but getting married is not the same as shopping for clothes.
 
i heard from all those married for very long couple we have to close our eye, mouth and ear and need to communicate to make the marriage work.
 
I guess the vows forgot to mention - in reticence of speech and expressing love. Health and financial troubles, those are the easy stuff.
 
life_is said:
Marriage vows are for show. End of the day, when problems occur, people show who they really are.
Click to expand...

For show or not, its a bundle of many expectations. Some of which suffocate the relationship, others just make it harder.

It only gets harder when both try to walk their own way and do things their way.

When all respect is lost, so is the marriage.
 
managing expectations and acceptance are usually overlooked. most of the time, people 'get used' to things and start taking things for granted sub-consiously.

a little more appreciation, compliments always helps.
 
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