Love but cant work...
- Thread starter yongqin
- Start date
alcifertoh
New Member
Staying together for the sake of being together? Tough to break up due to many years spent with each other? Refusing to sell although making loss due to having the investment for a long time?
That kind of "as time goes by" methaphor seems to agree that it is alright for couples to no longer speak to each other but still staying together due to they have run out of things to talk to each other about. As long as you stay together equates happiness.
That kind of "as time goes by" methaphor seems to agree that it is alright for couples to no longer speak to each other but still staying together due to they have run out of things to talk to each other about. As long as you stay together equates happiness.
yongqin, you mentioned in one of your earlier posts that you are incompatible yet you followed up with that you don't plan to break off with him ever ..
this is scary because it seems that you're not standing on solid ground and just clutching at straws that might not hold you ..
this is scary because it seems that you're not standing on solid ground and just clutching at straws that might not hold you ..
yongqin,
u said "And i dont change bf just bcoz this one refused to marry me or not suitable for me, im willing to wait and improve on it." ur way of improving is to "change ur bf to somebody whom u think suit u" or "change urself to suit ur bf better?"
if u think tt your love for ur bf can overcome all other issues, do u think his love for u can tahan all thoses issues as well? all these while by reading ur posts, u r always talking about how u wan to improve ur r/s, how much u wanna marry this guy, but it has never occured to you tt these feelings are not mutual, Meaning u r the only person who is interested in improving ur r/s(changing ur bf) and getting married with ur bf, whereas ur bf doesn't seems interested in any of those.
There is no point for u to build fantasies on pharses like "loving someone who is imperfect..love isn't more of finding the right one for you" because u r not doing it n i dont think u will since u said u r 'si xin yan'. If u really have so much faith in these sayings, u won't be here in this forum, thinking about how to improve ur r/s with ur bf, or even to change ur bf n come ur r/s with other r/s.
There are many ppl who are reading this forum. If u think that we can say these harsh comments becuase we r not in your shoes, n tt we will do otherwise if we were in ur shoes, den u r very wrong. We are giving u advise now because we have been thru tt and have got a solution to easing the agony we face in our relationship. Of course, our solution might no work for you, but u have to take it with an open mind and not doubt whether we will be able to do the same if we were in ur shoes.
I feel tt right now, u should really think if u wanna cling on to this relationship just because "u r si xin yan", "u dun change bf just bcox ur not suitable", "u think u can change ur bf" or " u can improve on ur temper so tt u won't scare him off n he will marry u".
Marriage is not something which u use to "try if u can improve the relationship or not". Pple shuold only marry when they have more than love for each other. They should have MUTUAL understanding, trust, concern and wavelength.
It takes both hands to clap. If u r the only one who is thinking on how to improve ur r/s, there is no use because theres 2 of u in this, not only yourself. Your way of improving r/s will only distant ur bf further away from you. One thing which i can see is tt, ur bf is unhappy deep down n not enjoying this relationship with u. When u say how much u love him, u have to note of his feelings more than ur own feelings. Learn how to put him before urself and consider his happiness before ur happiness.
u said "And i dont change bf just bcoz this one refused to marry me or not suitable for me, im willing to wait and improve on it." ur way of improving is to "change ur bf to somebody whom u think suit u" or "change urself to suit ur bf better?"
if u think tt your love for ur bf can overcome all other issues, do u think his love for u can tahan all thoses issues as well? all these while by reading ur posts, u r always talking about how u wan to improve ur r/s, how much u wanna marry this guy, but it has never occured to you tt these feelings are not mutual, Meaning u r the only person who is interested in improving ur r/s(changing ur bf) and getting married with ur bf, whereas ur bf doesn't seems interested in any of those.
There is no point for u to build fantasies on pharses like "loving someone who is imperfect..love isn't more of finding the right one for you" because u r not doing it n i dont think u will since u said u r 'si xin yan'. If u really have so much faith in these sayings, u won't be here in this forum, thinking about how to improve ur r/s with ur bf, or even to change ur bf n come ur r/s with other r/s.
There are many ppl who are reading this forum. If u think that we can say these harsh comments becuase we r not in your shoes, n tt we will do otherwise if we were in ur shoes, den u r very wrong. We are giving u advise now because we have been thru tt and have got a solution to easing the agony we face in our relationship. Of course, our solution might no work for you, but u have to take it with an open mind and not doubt whether we will be able to do the same if we were in ur shoes.
I feel tt right now, u should really think if u wanna cling on to this relationship just because "u r si xin yan", "u dun change bf just bcox ur not suitable", "u think u can change ur bf" or " u can improve on ur temper so tt u won't scare him off n he will marry u".
Marriage is not something which u use to "try if u can improve the relationship or not". Pple shuold only marry when they have more than love for each other. They should have MUTUAL understanding, trust, concern and wavelength.
It takes both hands to clap. If u r the only one who is thinking on how to improve ur r/s, there is no use because theres 2 of u in this, not only yourself. Your way of improving r/s will only distant ur bf further away from you. One thing which i can see is tt, ur bf is unhappy deep down n not enjoying this relationship with u. When u say how much u love him, u have to note of his feelings more than ur own feelings. Learn how to put him before urself and consider his happiness before ur happiness.
miloice
Well-Known Member
yongqin,
i believe u r looking for a lifelong relationship. Then, u need to look long term. Do u see a future with him? A future that you can progressive work towards?
I said this already. You don't WAIT hopelessly. You work towards it with him. Its a journey... why do u want to hold on regardless even if its painful misery for the both? Just because of the emotions you have. Is this the best for the both of you? If you really love, then u want him to be happy. Same for him. He would want you to be happy.
So, if u want to remain in your relationship, then make it a hopeful one. One with a good plan that you can slowly become more and more confident with. It doesn't happen overnight but it need to move towards that direction.
Being blind by love doesn't change any facts. You need to wake up and realize that.
i believe u r looking for a lifelong relationship. Then, u need to look long term. Do u see a future with him? A future that you can progressive work towards?
I said this already. You don't WAIT hopelessly. You work towards it with him. Its a journey... why do u want to hold on regardless even if its painful misery for the both? Just because of the emotions you have. Is this the best for the both of you? If you really love, then u want him to be happy. Same for him. He would want you to be happy.
So, if u want to remain in your relationship, then make it a hopeful one. One with a good plan that you can slowly become more and more confident with. It doesn't happen overnight but it need to move towards that direction.
Being blind by love doesn't change any facts. You need to wake up and realize that.
Liping, as i said im improving on it and i undstd to love person for who he is and not changing him to be the one i wants. May i know wat makes u think that he dont want to improve the r/s?
Yes he is unhappy with it, and at that point of time when we nearly broke up as in the end i was the one wanted as i was thinking no point forcing him (like wat u said put his happiness before me), he refused instead, and it happened twice. So in the end i was soft hearted & i stayed also.
If u think that my bf isnt keen on improving then y are we continue to stay together & he refused to break off? To wait for another chance to easily mention break off again? Since u think my bf is keen to break off with me & he is also not keen on improving our r/s, so r u implying that he is only symphathying with me currently thus we continue to be together?
I know after all that u have said, ur implying that we shouldnt remain together we should jolly well break off coz we arent incompatible. So no point wasting effort, time to improve on it.
ACtually all the while ur been saying i been trying to change him, but how about if he is also commenting on me this,that..etc.. Does that means he is also trying to change me into someone of his ideal type?
Y are all of u keep implying that i dont realise the advice ur been suggesting? I am doing wat milo is saying, not wat liping is saying.
Yes he is unhappy with it, and at that point of time when we nearly broke up as in the end i was the one wanted as i was thinking no point forcing him (like wat u said put his happiness before me), he refused instead, and it happened twice. So in the end i was soft hearted & i stayed also.
If u think that my bf isnt keen on improving then y are we continue to stay together & he refused to break off? To wait for another chance to easily mention break off again? Since u think my bf is keen to break off with me & he is also not keen on improving our r/s, so r u implying that he is only symphathying with me currently thus we continue to be together?
I know after all that u have said, ur implying that we shouldnt remain together we should jolly well break off coz we arent incompatible. So no point wasting effort, time to improve on it.
ACtually all the while ur been saying i been trying to change him, but how about if he is also commenting on me this,that..etc.. Does that means he is also trying to change me into someone of his ideal type?
Y are all of u keep implying that i dont realise the advice ur been suggesting? I am doing wat milo is saying, not wat liping is saying.
actually i feel that since there is no hope in the r/s & we arent suitable, since there r always more unhappiness than happiness, we shouldnt have remain together at all.
No point forcing him. I talk to him soon and if he really insist then we shall just break off w/o clinging, coz we are suitable. And no point blinded by love.
Love should come naturally it shouldnt be tried so hard to make it work.
No point forcing him. I talk to him soon and if he really insist then we shall just break off w/o clinging, coz we are suitable. And no point blinded by love.
Love should come naturally it shouldnt be tried so hard to make it work.
FYI, i talked to my bf & he actually included me in his future plan for buying flat, as he told his mum.
And when i seriously asked him if he still wana remains together after i packed up, i mentioned i am ready to break off if he really feel we shouldnt waste time together.
He actually did not bear me to leave. I have talked to him about our stuff and he just feeling im kind of 'fan' at times, but doesnt feel me controlling him.
Ur may say that he is consoling me, i cannot control others thinking as long i know he isnt lying to me.
And when i seriously asked him if he still wana remains together after i packed up, i mentioned i am ready to break off if he really feel we shouldnt waste time together.
He actually did not bear me to leave. I have talked to him about our stuff and he just feeling im kind of 'fan' at times, but doesnt feel me controlling him.
Ur may say that he is consoling me, i cannot control others thinking as long i know he isnt lying to me.
A joint account is merely something symbolic. It can mean a commitment or nothing. Its the same with marriage and anything at all.
Don't focus on the object. Its about the unique relationship u have. THINGS don't give value to the relationship. Things becomes memorable because the experiences in the relationship value added to it. The true value isn't on the joint account at all.
Don't focus on the object. Its about the unique relationship u have. THINGS don't give value to the relationship. Things becomes memorable because the experiences in the relationship value added to it. The true value isn't on the joint account at all.
miloice
Well-Known Member
yongqin,
this is the kind of communication that should regularly happen. It need not be a confrontation or verge of break up before you guys talk over the relationship. If you guys end up fighting each time u talk, then do the talk only after both have calmed down instead.
Learn to understand each other better. Whatever decision u make, do it with careful thought and not in the spur of emotions. If you realized u will never be able to accept him the way he is, then u will always struggle with this.
this is the kind of communication that should regularly happen. It need not be a confrontation or verge of break up before you guys talk over the relationship. If you guys end up fighting each time u talk, then do the talk only after both have calmed down instead.
Learn to understand each other better. Whatever decision u make, do it with careful thought and not in the spur of emotions. If you realized u will never be able to accept him the way he is, then u will always struggle with this.
I guess ur bf does include u in his future life planning perhaps but just that he does not have the urge to carry out his lifetime plan as yet..
so guess right now its not really the best time to press him for marriage... too much pressure from u might result in some negativity responses otherwise.
so guess right now its not really the best time to press him for marriage... too much pressure from u might result in some negativity responses otherwise.
Glad that you had a talk with your bf, at least both parties know about each other's thoughts better in one way or another. But remember, keep the communications going and since both are clear that 2 of you are trying to make this r/s works, don't mention the 2 words unnecessarily again, it will "damage" the r/s..
But sometimes he seem unsure of wat he is saying,duno isit due to himself not confidence enough in us, thus cant really give a promise or comitment yet. But he does have the planning or though of it somehow. And he also couldnt bear to let go of it.
U know, whenever we lunch/diner out, we used to pay our own coz we usually order different fd. And thereafter the next time round when we order our fd again, he will asked if that treat is on me.
Seems to me he like to make it turn by turn for treating, in the past i used to top up his wkplace locker with fd/used items or even his house as & when coz i will be going there often. Its not nice to depends everything on his family. Its like 'you lai you wang', i also didnt ask him when will be his turn to treat me
He seems stingy after together for long. When i asked him y does he like to make it a point for treats turn by turn, he said he just joking... Or he is just testing to see my reaction, to disturb me... But he seem to always repeat the same question then i dont think its joking or merely mentioning lor, honestly.
Then i try to treat him occasionally. He seldom treat me, and sometime only upon me asking him then he wil treat. And the treat we are talking about is those hawker/fdcourt normal cheap meals, as we arent particular on fd issues.
I dont actually ask him to bring me to exp restauraunt, or buy me clothes/bag/shoes etc. Except my bday this yr i just popped the question of buying me anything be it cheap or exp i dont mind. Coz he know im not the materialistic type.
But he didnt buy anything so i assume he wana save $. Actually his mum sometime mentioned to me, my bf is rather willing to spend on his personal items but not on family, i also told his mum the same thing, stingy on me...
I feel he is the type whom if buy u something, will buy exp items otherwise he will not buy at all. Im not particular on his monetary rewards but seem y some guys tend to be miser after together for some time.
U know, whenever we lunch/diner out, we used to pay our own coz we usually order different fd. And thereafter the next time round when we order our fd again, he will asked if that treat is on me.
Seems to me he like to make it turn by turn for treating, in the past i used to top up his wkplace locker with fd/used items or even his house as & when coz i will be going there often. Its not nice to depends everything on his family. Its like 'you lai you wang', i also didnt ask him when will be his turn to treat me
He seems stingy after together for long. When i asked him y does he like to make it a point for treats turn by turn, he said he just joking... Or he is just testing to see my reaction, to disturb me... But he seem to always repeat the same question then i dont think its joking or merely mentioning lor, honestly.
Then i try to treat him occasionally. He seldom treat me, and sometime only upon me asking him then he wil treat. And the treat we are talking about is those hawker/fdcourt normal cheap meals, as we arent particular on fd issues.
I dont actually ask him to bring me to exp restauraunt, or buy me clothes/bag/shoes etc. Except my bday this yr i just popped the question of buying me anything be it cheap or exp i dont mind. Coz he know im not the materialistic type.
But he didnt buy anything so i assume he wana save $. Actually his mum sometime mentioned to me, my bf is rather willing to spend on his personal items but not on family, i also told his mum the same thing, stingy on me...
I feel he is the type whom if buy u something, will buy exp items otherwise he will not buy at all. Im not particular on his monetary rewards but seem y some guys tend to be miser after together for some time.
actually he also mention that he feel i only like to buy those things which i will use at his home, for eg, fd/handsoap/shampoo etc then only i buy those. Seem like i wont bother to buy other items tat i not using. But his family can also use those things that i buy mah.
Then he say i stingy to his family comparing to him towards my family. Like when we dine out with my family, he offered to pay even if its $40++ or so,and that time was supposed to be my mum treat, and occasions/bday also he bought mooncake/cake/roast pork etc for my family.
Actually think of it, for this yr new yr/his mum bday/last yr lantern festival i didnt buy them anything. And his mum bday i didnt buy coz its last min that he told me and really no time to buy, and i rather not to buy belated gifts also.
So i try to make up by buying certain household/fd items for his family as & when. But sometime again his mum like to return me some items i buy, then resulted in me having to bring back to my own family to use or i myself to use it.
Talking about money is such a sensitive and hurtful issue to couples...
Then he say i stingy to his family comparing to him towards my family. Like when we dine out with my family, he offered to pay even if its $40++ or so,and that time was supposed to be my mum treat, and occasions/bday also he bought mooncake/cake/roast pork etc for my family.
Actually think of it, for this yr new yr/his mum bday/last yr lantern festival i didnt buy them anything. And his mum bday i didnt buy coz its last min that he told me and really no time to buy, and i rather not to buy belated gifts also.
So i try to make up by buying certain household/fd items for his family as & when. But sometime again his mum like to return me some items i buy, then resulted in me having to bring back to my own family to use or i myself to use it.
Talking about money is such a sensitive and hurtful issue to couples...
Yongqin: I guess at times, some guys are like that.. this may applies to some gals as well.. It all depends...
"Except my bday this yr i just popped the question of buying me anything be it cheap or exp i dont mind" - does he get you presents on your other birthdays or special occasions? I guess guys themselves are a rather "slow" creature as in they usually will prefer to buy what their gfs might love / want and thus, they will only get it when their gf hinted openly?
If you are uncomfortable with his usual questioning, perhaps you might want to discuss this issue openly? Allowing each other to have access to each other feelings is one good communication method too..
"Except my bday this yr i just popped the question of buying me anything be it cheap or exp i dont mind" - does he get you presents on your other birthdays or special occasions? I guess guys themselves are a rather "slow" creature as in they usually will prefer to buy what their gfs might love / want and thus, they will only get it when their gf hinted openly?
If you are uncomfortable with his usual questioning, perhaps you might want to discuss this issue openly? Allowing each other to have access to each other feelings is one good communication method too..
miloice
Well-Known Member
yongqin,
i see very poor communication..... seem to be in fear of upsetting each other. You guys have to stop guessing and really learn to be able to talk without fear. Talk without the need to be defensive or offensive or fear for misinterpretation.
This kind of communication will avoid your need to spend endless time guessing and analyzing each other body languages etc.
i see very poor communication..... seem to be in fear of upsetting each other. You guys have to stop guessing and really learn to be able to talk without fear. Talk without the need to be defensive or offensive or fear for misinterpretation.
This kind of communication will avoid your need to spend endless time guessing and analyzing each other body languages etc.
miloice
Well-Known Member
"Talking about money is such a sensitive and hurtful issue to couples..." I disagree.
yes, it is sensitive topic. But there are numerous sensitive topics to deal with in any relationship. When there is conflict of interest, its the time the weakness in the relationship are exposed. Ultimately, its about how strong the foundation is. Its not where u are currently that matters but where u guys can get together in the relationship that matters.
yes, it is sensitive topic. But there are numerous sensitive topics to deal with in any relationship. When there is conflict of interest, its the time the weakness in the relationship are exposed. Ultimately, its about how strong the foundation is. Its not where u are currently that matters but where u guys can get together in the relationship that matters.
I highlighted to him my ideal gift-ring but just couple ring for memory but he refused coz he wanted to buy ring when the real need arises. I dont mind cheap rings.
I also highlighted wishing to go short trip as relaxation since we hasnt even went before but he dont want, he wants to save for future/his personal expenses so no choice lor.
There is actaully nothing else i wish for coz all i wish for is like a something to signify us only thats all. So i didnt asked for anything else.
Actually i can speak to him over any issues but he usually remains silent as like his mum said, this is his character so i just tell him and he just listen, occasionally then say a few words/sentences lor.
I also highlighted wishing to go short trip as relaxation since we hasnt even went before but he dont want, he wants to save for future/his personal expenses so no choice lor.
There is actaully nothing else i wish for coz all i wish for is like a something to signify us only thats all. So i didnt asked for anything else.
Actually i can speak to him over any issues but he usually remains silent as like his mum said, this is his character so i just tell him and he just listen, occasionally then say a few words/sentences lor.
green_tranquility
New Member
Are u and bf truly happy in the relationship? So many issues are swept under the carpet.
As u see in my earlier posts i also think the same as green. We are still together even nearly brokeup a few times as we couldnt bear. Even for couples who are initially happy thru out in their courtship and eventually married, yet they can also breakup/divorce due to any other issues. So i dont believe in setbacks will worsen the r/s.
I undstd his intention not to get couple rings its not due to budget,its his thinking. That isnt that impt also although i hope to get a pair initially. But getaway is wat i meant in my earlier posts that i suggested but he refused due to budget.
But that isnt my main priority, how about u all do u have the same financial issue with ur partner/s
I undstd his intention not to get couple rings its not due to budget,its his thinking. That isnt that impt also although i hope to get a pair initially. But getaway is wat i meant in my earlier posts that i suggested but he refused due to budget.
But that isnt my main priority, how about u all do u have the same financial issue with ur partner/s
Gal, as for me, not realli.. my husband and I started when we were both still in poly. At that time, we spend within our limits. As of now, usually, we will take turns to pay when we have our meals outside but he is the one who bears the expenses most of the times. I guess, it might boils down to what you expect to see in your partner.. How long has your bf been working? Perhaps being at a younger age, he does have limits in his budget.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Realize that issues and conflicts are natural. This is because everyone is different. Our needs, values, morals, priority and rationale differs. So, there is nothing to freak about to have issues.
The main differences is how the couple learn to cope with it. Do they build stronger bond and trust through the experience and therefore becomes more confident in coping with issues OR do you crack? Often, u just keep quiet but bear the resentment inside. Soon, it will accumulate and snowball until its too much to bear. Reflect on how the both of u work on issues. What Green is saying is, u guys are merely sweeping issues under the carpet. It is not the number of issues that is worrying but how u try to blind yourself from it. Its really foolish. Issues don't disappear and it will come back to haunt you. It takes patience, maturity, tact and experience to learn to manage conflicts effectively. Depending the compatibility and maturity of each individual, some couples might have no issues with resolving their differences at all.
u said : "So i dont believe in setbacks will worsen the r/s."
It is neutral actually. It doesn't break or bond r/s. It merely exposes and magnify. On one side, it can be a catalyst to speed up an inevitable break. At the same time, it also gives the individuals the needed experience to mature and reflect.
On the points about budget, unless he is in debt or something, u should realize from this episode that he doesn't value time spend on holidays. This is him... Many people are like this. If you are looking for someone that enjoys frequent travel, then he will not fit in. Look for someone that shares this view or interest. Don't look for a straight boring guy and hope he turns romantic. If you need romantic guys to sweep u off your feet, look for one that gives you that. And if you cannot forgo this, it will always be something that will be lacking in this relationship. Same with flowers / rings and other gifts.
Of cos, you could find some other common things that would replace this.
Don't hope and expect. Transform these to aligned common goals that you can realize together.
The main differences is how the couple learn to cope with it. Do they build stronger bond and trust through the experience and therefore becomes more confident in coping with issues OR do you crack? Often, u just keep quiet but bear the resentment inside. Soon, it will accumulate and snowball until its too much to bear. Reflect on how the both of u work on issues. What Green is saying is, u guys are merely sweeping issues under the carpet. It is not the number of issues that is worrying but how u try to blind yourself from it. Its really foolish. Issues don't disappear and it will come back to haunt you. It takes patience, maturity, tact and experience to learn to manage conflicts effectively. Depending the compatibility and maturity of each individual, some couples might have no issues with resolving their differences at all.
u said : "So i dont believe in setbacks will worsen the r/s."
It is neutral actually. It doesn't break or bond r/s. It merely exposes and magnify. On one side, it can be a catalyst to speed up an inevitable break. At the same time, it also gives the individuals the needed experience to mature and reflect.
On the points about budget, unless he is in debt or something, u should realize from this episode that he doesn't value time spend on holidays. This is him... Many people are like this. If you are looking for someone that enjoys frequent travel, then he will not fit in. Look for someone that shares this view or interest. Don't look for a straight boring guy and hope he turns romantic. If you need romantic guys to sweep u off your feet, look for one that gives you that. And if you cannot forgo this, it will always be something that will be lacking in this relationship. Same with flowers / rings and other gifts.
Of cos, you could find some other common things that would replace this.
Don't hope and expect. Transform these to aligned common goals that you can realize together.
Milo: TS's bf is only 25, thus, being at a younger age than most of us and TS, I wonder if he has substantial savings as well. Could it be that they are used of not communicating in an openly manner, TS's bf doesn't realli reveal on that and thus gave excuses to avoid topics that might reveal on his true financial concerns.. I am not saying that this could be the case but jus an assumption whereby things might not turn not to be that bad as in he didn't want to spend monies on TS but he jus can't afford to do it as the way TS hopes that it might turn out?
miloice
Well-Known Member
littlewoman, this is a very good point on TS's age. Some indication that he probably still young in his career and maturity as well.
About the savings part, it subjective. Some people need to save every cent they earn while others would enjoy life while striving hard to look for new opportunities and ways to earn more. These are very realistic areas where compatibility play a very significant aspect.
"Could it be that they are used of not communicating in an openly manner" Yes, I agree with this too. But, in my opinion, life is too tiring trying to even guess what our partner is thinking even on the simpliest things.
In the initial part of r/s, this is common. Cos we need time to adapt and understand each other. But if it drags on, its worrying. Question is, does she need a soulmate in a partner? If yes, then it cannot continue without communication.
Some people need functional marriage where each will focus on fulfill on the 'roles'. For that, okie, I would say, no problem as long as both have the right expectation from this marriage.
About the savings part, it subjective. Some people need to save every cent they earn while others would enjoy life while striving hard to look for new opportunities and ways to earn more. These are very realistic areas where compatibility play a very significant aspect.
"Could it be that they are used of not communicating in an openly manner" Yes, I agree with this too. But, in my opinion, life is too tiring trying to even guess what our partner is thinking even on the simpliest things.
In the initial part of r/s, this is common. Cos we need time to adapt and understand each other. But if it drags on, its worrying. Question is, does she need a soulmate in a partner? If yes, then it cannot continue without communication.
Some people need functional marriage where each will focus on fulfill on the 'roles'. For that, okie, I would say, no problem as long as both have the right expectation from this marriage.
I agree with you.. The issue of savings is always a subjective subject and it again boils down to the individual's mindset. It is also impt to being able to communicate openly to your partner as he or she is the one who we are suppose to feel the most comfortable with perhaps not at all times but it should be so for most of the times and guessing is simply a tiring process as well. Different people have different expectations in a r/s or marriage, but basically as noone will be having the same thots and expectations, it is impt to compromise our expectations and perspections accordingly to reality and practicality.. This will prevent any unnecessary unhappiness as well. Proper communication will prolong the r/s, the marriage and of course maintaining the sparks as well. Personal preference, I don't really like it if my hubby and I don't communicate; i will feel distant away from him..
I agree that it's very important to communicate openly...arguing is better than keeping it inside, esp. since you are supposedly going to spend the rest of your life with each other. Even with different expectations, make sure both parties know it and accomodate each other...
I believe men and women are different; they expect different things. Being men, some of them expect romance, some of them expecting their wives doing this, doing that etc, and being women, we hope that the sparks in the marriage will neber dies off, things remaining as what it was in the starting, but alot of times, we simply ignore the fact whereby starting is always sweet coz there are so many things that we can learn about each other unlike being in a marriage. We also tend to take each other for granted, not improving. By just remaining a the same pace, we will retain the sparks but will never be able to add more fire to it.
miloice
Well-Known Member
The irony is we expect sparks to die off and think we will be OK to function like robots. Only when someone else rekindle the sparks we had so many yrs back, then we realize what we are missing. Following that, all hell will break lose and we will be out of control.
Everyone of us needs a balance life. Some romance, physical and practical aspects, personal spaces and hobbies, family, career aspirations etc. We ignore any of them for too long, it could trig a sudden hunger and deprivation especially after we tasted it once more.
Everyone of us needs a balance life. Some romance, physical and practical aspects, personal spaces and hobbies, family, career aspirations etc. We ignore any of them for too long, it could trig a sudden hunger and deprivation especially after we tasted it once more.
somehow.. I do feel that TS bf is really quite kay gao abt monetary issues.. hmmm... dunno to say if he is stingy or what.. but even when I was back dating.. my younger bfs also not so particular abt such issues leh..
as in who treat what etc.. somemore its hawker food.. aiyoh.. then still 1 2 compare if he is better to ur family or u r better to his family in monetary ways?? ....
hmmm... there really is alot of issues that needs to be ironed out perhaps..
as in who treat what etc.. somemore its hawker food.. aiyoh.. then still 1 2 compare if he is better to ur family or u r better to his family in monetary ways?? ....
hmmm... there really is alot of issues that needs to be ironed out perhaps..
green_tranquility
New Member
Skylar,
Agree. When we went out with our friends, I doubt our friends and us ever hinted at/made a fuss over the bills so clearly like TS's bf. Somemore it's hawker centre food not expensive restaurant, and this is his Gf here.
I also commented that there are so many issues being swept under the carpet in their r/s.
Agree. When we went out with our friends, I doubt our friends and us ever hinted at/made a fuss over the bills so clearly like TS's bf. Somemore it's hawker centre food not expensive restaurant, and this is his Gf here.
I also commented that there are so many issues being swept under the carpet in their r/s.
I believe most of the guys wun raise such issues when they dine out with their gfs/wives but can't deny that there are the minority who will do that ba.. seen one practical case in one of my relatives too.. not realli consider stingy but his logic is more guys and gals are equal and hence, not realli right for the guys to keep giving treats?
well.. littlewoman,
then it depends if u want to have such as ur bf.. frankly women are meant to be pampered. If my bf wld be sooo particular abt such stuff then really no pt living such stressful lives.
of coz there are others out there (as u quoted the minority) who does that thinking that gal & guys are equal.. fine but if u were to do that to ur gf? hmm...
I feel that if a guy were to ask a gal out, by right they shd stand treat.. to be frank, even if the bf were to treat the gf 10x in a hawker centre.. so?? there is no right or wrong rules for a guy to keep giving treats.. I'm sure the gf would also pay for certain occasions too.
Unless of coz if the gf were to insist eating in fine dining restaurants etc that might cost a bomb & insist that the bf treat everytime then I would say now that the gf is the buay zi dong type.
An eg : bf & gf go hawker, order fried rice & drinks. So if the bf were to pay for fried rice while the gf pay for drinks.. in this instance, both parties are paying..
but again.. according to TS's bf, I think he might even say his fried rice is more expensive than the drinks??? So that means that the gf must pay as equalvent to the price of the fried rice???
to live life this way? to me its very tiring...
then it depends if u want to have such as ur bf.. frankly women are meant to be pampered. If my bf wld be sooo particular abt such stuff then really no pt living such stressful lives.
of coz there are others out there (as u quoted the minority) who does that thinking that gal & guys are equal.. fine but if u were to do that to ur gf? hmm...
I feel that if a guy were to ask a gal out, by right they shd stand treat.. to be frank, even if the bf were to treat the gf 10x in a hawker centre.. so?? there is no right or wrong rules for a guy to keep giving treats.. I'm sure the gf would also pay for certain occasions too.
Unless of coz if the gf were to insist eating in fine dining restaurants etc that might cost a bomb & insist that the bf treat everytime then I would say now that the gf is the buay zi dong type.
An eg : bf & gf go hawker, order fried rice & drinks. So if the bf were to pay for fried rice while the gf pay for drinks.. in this instance, both parties are paying..
but again.. according to TS's bf, I think he might even say his fried rice is more expensive than the drinks??? So that means that the gf must pay as equalvent to the price of the fried rice???
to live life this way? to me its very tiring...
well ladies, don't be surprised that his kay gao-ness is a reactive response of sorts....
think of it as a kid's defiant stand-off to the extremely strict parents, or at the other spectrum..
a student's crying outburst to the receving end of a verbally-abusive teacher.
for him, it's like a defining moment that he feels that he should take charge of monetary issues and speak up like a man....
anyway, if got issues on couple rings and meals, then extract from the joint account lah.
hopefully, that shelves off more needless arguments and unspoken unhappiness?
think of it as a kid's defiant stand-off to the extremely strict parents, or at the other spectrum..
a student's crying outburst to the receving end of a verbally-abusive teacher.
for him, it's like a defining moment that he feels that he should take charge of monetary issues and speak up like a man....
anyway, if got issues on couple rings and meals, then extract from the joint account lah.
hopefully, that shelves off more needless arguments and unspoken unhappiness?
skylar: Of course women love to be pampered and not only you, i guess alot of women loved to be doted on and hoping to have partners whom they can relied on as well. But the thing is that TS's bf happened to be the opposite and we can't say that coz of his personal character etc, he is not being nice etc to TS. I mean yes, it is stressful and tiring to always being so calculative in a r/s but it is not that wrong afterall, I am not saying that it is right either but it simply depends if TS is able to take/accept such character of his. I think vios suggestions is rather good, but then again, will it cause more problems in the long run if the couple is to withdraw monies from the joint accounts on every minor purchases etc? Like what I had mentioned in the previous posts, it is helpful to have proper communications on such matters and issues. Financial issues affect the r/s easily..
littlewoman,
that is what i m trying to say, women like to be pampered, I nv said that it is only me. But all these responsive actions from TS bf, if u tell me that is normal then I seriously think we are on a diff path of lives.
I nv say that TS bf is not being nice to her, all I commented was that his character is very calculative which I m sure that TS also feels the same way, otherwise she will not be posting here abt her bf comparing how he treated her family and how she treated his.
So long as their issues are not ironed out, it does not matters what suggestions come next, even given by Vios.. for a joint acc, everythings goes into there and comes out from ther for hsehold etc.. and now u r really hinting that this might cause more probs in the long run.
last pt, TS bf is not so much on financially strapped, its more to his character rather.
that is what i m trying to say, women like to be pampered, I nv said that it is only me. But all these responsive actions from TS bf, if u tell me that is normal then I seriously think we are on a diff path of lives.
I nv say that TS bf is not being nice to her, all I commented was that his character is very calculative which I m sure that TS also feels the same way, otherwise she will not be posting here abt her bf comparing how he treated her family and how she treated his.
So long as their issues are not ironed out, it does not matters what suggestions come next, even given by Vios.. for a joint acc, everythings goes into there and comes out from ther for hsehold etc.. and now u r really hinting that this might cause more probs in the long run.
last pt, TS bf is not so much on financially strapped, its more to his character rather.
miloice
Well-Known Member
while women like to be pampered, there is always a right level. Too much, it loses it value actually and the guy cannot sustain.
Again, the fishing analogy. We need to be sufficiently hungry for something to really crave for it. When too full, even the best food is nauseous.
Again, the fishing analogy. We need to be sufficiently hungry for something to really crave for it. When too full, even the best food is nauseous.
My bf been wking for 3yr +, sometimes my bf also offered to pay for me for meals, and he does buy me clothes back in CNY. I dont expect often lor since its his character.
Actually initially he was rather generous as in buying me gifts on bday,anniversary,Xmas etc during the 1st few yrs only. As during that time he can earn alot thru OT. But after he started school his OT was being slashed off quite abit.
He actually use a large part of his savings to buy his own trpt back last yr, thus quite thrifty thereafter but occasionally generous on his personal expenses.
That i can undstd. He mentioned that I earn more than him thus he tend to request for treats from me at times. But I feel that guys is still guys and they should pay when the correct time comes.
I feel I pampered him more than him towards me. But honestly speaking, he also offered to send me to school, to his home etc.. quite often. So that is actually a form of transportation being charged that he pays for.
I really should find an appropriate chance to talk to him on this sensitive issue soon. Usually I have alot to say when it goes thru my mind, but tends to be tongue-tied when really doing the talking.
As for the romance part its not the main issue im worryhing of, I wouldnt expect him to change neither will i get a bf of the romantic sort as he this isnt impt to me, maybe I wait for a short getaway patiently for one of this days, when he is financially & physically ready.
Actually initially he was rather generous as in buying me gifts on bday,anniversary,Xmas etc during the 1st few yrs only. As during that time he can earn alot thru OT. But after he started school his OT was being slashed off quite abit.
He actually use a large part of his savings to buy his own trpt back last yr, thus quite thrifty thereafter but occasionally generous on his personal expenses.
That i can undstd. He mentioned that I earn more than him thus he tend to request for treats from me at times. But I feel that guys is still guys and they should pay when the correct time comes.
I feel I pampered him more than him towards me. But honestly speaking, he also offered to send me to school, to his home etc.. quite often. So that is actually a form of transportation being charged that he pays for.
I really should find an appropriate chance to talk to him on this sensitive issue soon. Usually I have alot to say when it goes thru my mind, but tends to be tongue-tied when really doing the talking.
As for the romance part its not the main issue im worryhing of, I wouldnt expect him to change neither will i get a bf of the romantic sort as he this isnt impt to me, maybe I wait for a short getaway patiently for one of this days, when he is financially & physically ready.
yongqin,
if u cannot manage a good talk with him.. how about writing him a long ltr / email to put ur thoughts across.. And when he reply to u either in ltr or talking to u, let him speak. Dun cut him off, in this way, u can then know exactly what is gg on in his head.
I think there are more than monetary issues between the 2 of u.. so its best for u to talk thru these for ur future road ahead.
if u cannot manage a good talk with him.. how about writing him a long ltr / email to put ur thoughts across.. And when he reply to u either in ltr or talking to u, let him speak. Dun cut him off, in this way, u can then know exactly what is gg on in his head.
I think there are more than monetary issues between the 2 of u.. so its best for u to talk thru these for ur future road ahead.
haha i have emailed him aldy but he dont speak up still, i emailed bcoz i wanted to let him know my thoughts, but maybe i find a chance to ask him to speak everything in his mind ranging from marriage to financial to others etc as long he can talk,i can listen.
if he doesnt want to talk then i cant do anything much aldy..
if he doesnt want to talk then i cant do anything much aldy..
Yongqin: are you and your bf doing PT studies? Hmm.. I am jus speculating based on your side of the story; unless you are earning a rather substantial income, being having to bear the course fees etc is not easy and thus could it be that your bf is trying to cut down finances by not going for the getaway etc? You mentioned that he is rather generous on his own expenditure, who doesn't spend on oneself? We have to pamper ourselves once in a while isn't it? I agree on what you said: But I feel that guys is still guys and they should pay when the correct time comes - when is the correct time? What is the definition of Correct time? Guys and gals always have different perspectives on alot of matters.
ya we are doing pt studies. I do not have a substantial income, but trying to save up for study & also our joint acc at the same time,as as him. I guess he does have his own mindset on his part of spending $.
I just dont want us to be always bothered by who to pay for the next meal/drink when we are together. Its tiring & hurting to the r/s always bothered by monetary issues.
I just dont want us to be always bothered by who to pay for the next meal/drink when we are together. Its tiring & hurting to the r/s always bothered by monetary issues.
Yes, it is true.. Monies issues and concerns can dampen a r/s.. No offence, like what other posts have mentioned: I think 2 of you seem to have quite a few issues (be it major or minor) that are being swept under the carpet and it is advisable to get it sorted out to walk "³¤Ô¶µÄ·¡°.