Love but cant work...

i agree with powder.

i kissed many many toads in my younger days and there were none that made me want to settle down. i told myself, i will not settle down for the sake of settling down - it has to be the right one or no one.

My little froggie eventually turned up many years later & he is 8 years younger than i am with all his flaws.

There are times when he annoys the hell out of me & vice versa but there is not one flaw that i want to change - because thats what makes him MY GUY.

5 years on, we are still madly in love with one another & at times want to wring the other's throat badly.
happy.gif
 


yongqin,

do u run before you walk or crawl? If I asked u to do so, naturally, u will be scared and worried. But if u have progressed with strong foundation, EVEN when u fall, u know how to get up and rebuild. So why is your focus still on marriage?!?

Marriage should be a natural progression in a relationship. A stage when both are so comfortable and good together that you want to continue a walk of a lifetime.

Work towards the relationship and the marriage will be strong. Rush the wedding day and all the issues you hide under the carpet will creep up one day. By then, no matter how you regret, yrs lost will never return. The impact to family, kids etc cannot be undone.
 
Its good to self-reflect. we learn about the strengths and weakness of our personality. Our character don't really change. If we are reactors, we like instant results. IF we are analytical and thinkers, they like to take time to ponder and link stuffs. There isn't a best personality. Each has its flaws. We must become aware of our traits, only then, we can consciously improve.

For reactors, if u know most likely, you are unable to contain your emotions, best to shut up. If needed, ask your partner for the time-out. You know u will get over it fast, so, request for this cool-off period.

This worked very well for me. When I'm really tired and frustrated, I shut off before I blew up top. This way, I come back calm and more loving. Naturally, the loving side will also soften my partner and she too will be less defensive and angry.
 
then how about planning his minor routine activity like dental visit, offer to help do his proj if he doesnt finish on time bcoz he did it last min etc etc is controlling him also?

I did all that willingly but nvr complain so far. Coz i know if i dont help, he might not even do it then his teeth will deteriorate, his exam might fail everything will be last min and he gota rush like hell..

And sometime its easy to say something but it might not be that easy to do it.
 
yongqin,

r u doing these things because u needed them to make you feel important for him?

Spend that energy you have on really understanding him. You learn to care for him the way he love to be cared for and not ways you like. This is all part of learning to love the person for who they are and not who we want them to be. And when he feels this love and care in ways he like, it motivates him.

The second part would be influence him to also give u want you need to stay happy. The relationship stays win-win because both are learning to motivate each other and influencing each other thoughts positively.
 
that's how YOU feel about it ..

i think most of us have gotten along fine without having to control our partners .. personally i don't babysit the husband because i don't like to be controlled myself .. but that does not mean that we don't care about each other.
 
Gal, not asking you not to bother about him but perhaps instead of planning his routine activities like dental visits, you might want to ask if he has made his appointments? As for projects wise, you might want to check on the progress rather than helping him to do it? This will not cause any frustrations on your side as well?
 
u misundstd me,i did all that coz i thought couple should help each other,i did bcoz of lov not bcoz want him to feel that im impt and he cant do w/o me. And so far he nvr reject he nvr say anything also. Coz u know there are many things, whenever i ask him meaning i let him decide. He always say anything.

Where to eat, wat to do, wat time to mit, want to pick me up or not,want to fetch me to yr house or not,want to this tha..... etc . Its always anything he reply....
 
i only helped my fiance with his project when he asked me to. that was only the research portion since i am stronger in the module. as for dental, his dentist will send him a card to remind him its time to clean your teeth....
 
i will only offer my help when i have the time. In the past whenever he ask where to dine, i said anything and as time passes he told me he dont like it.

But he dont tell me watever he dont like immediately, he tend to tell me as time passes. BUt now he improved he will let me know the things he dont like rather than accumulating.
 
And he is rather 'ai mian zi' pride strong. So there are certain/many things if he wants, he normally dont say it out directly or say i want this or that.

So sometime i offer coz thinking he might need help at proj but couldnt have time to complete. Then he say anything....
 
asking you where to dine is something else to offering to do his project for him, planning his dental visit, etc .. dining is something you do together .. the other stuff is not.

you're mixing it all up.
 
yongqin,

i did not misunderstand you.
rather, it is something for you to think about.

u wrote : "then if i dont do anything at all or not asking at all, i feel like i bochap i dont care for him"

u see, u feel that you are not caring for him if u don't help him. To you loving him = caring for him in ways you think. But are these ways he likes to be cared for?

This is the number one mistake most parents do. They all love and care for their kids. But most of us don't truly appreciate them because its difficult to appreciate things done when its not what we need or want. Even though kids might not make the best decisions, we need to let them go thr mistakes themselves and learn from it.

What more an adult? He is your partner not your kid. You should care for him with respect. You are mothering him even though u had no intention to control him.
 
In a way.. doing things together is not the same as leaving him alone to letting him to do things that he needed to do/complete.
 
Another thing, every person needs personal space. u do not need to accompany him for everything that he does. See what is his preferences. Does he want you to accompany him? If not, let him be and you find your own things to do too.
 
after having said so much, actually we have a join account. We setup last yr Oct. He came my house that time & my family chat with him on the settling down issue. Then thereafter he is aware that my family doesnt believe that he has plans to marry, thus he suggeted to open the joint acc.

But i guess it came from pressure more likely.
 
a joint account is hardly an assurance about anything .. not happy with you, can wipe out the savings and close the account .. like that, happy ending?
 
Cuclainne means, end of day if break off, just close the account. It does not symbolise anything. Marriage also does not symbolise anything if either party is not ready to commit in it.
 
a joint account is merely something symbolic. It can mean a commitment or nothing. Its the same with marriage and anything at all.

Don't focus on the object. Its about the unique relationship u have. THINGS don't give value to the relationship. Things becomes memorable because the experiences in the relationship value added to it. The true value isn't on the joint account at all.

So really, its the same advise. Don't look for the wedding day, neo print sticker, wallpaper, SMS or joint account or any other stuffs.
 
Hi Yong Qin,

Career or Marriage 1st?

I think being mentally prepared for both of them is important. There's no right or wrong.

I met my hubby when I just graduated from Uni. He ask me to go to England with him and I said no because I just met him, we were not even dating`yet.

He didn't bring out the subject anymore. After I joined the workforce and understand more about business matters then I realised that he had lost a business opportunity because of me.

He could have become a campany boss earlier in England. I asked him if he had any regrets. He said no because for him it's more difficult to find someone whom he can love for a lifetime than business opportunities.

So he remained as an employee, dated me and waited for me to be ready for marriage.
It was after marriage that the next opportunity came up and he set up his company.

From your post, it seems both of you are in love with each other and can't bear to break up.

If you really love him and think he is the one for you, do you mind waiting for your boyfriend to be ready for marriage just like my hubby.
 
yongqin,
there is totally no point for u to change your boyfren. if u love him enough, u r den able to love him for who he is, nnot find ways n means to change this person to someone tt suits u just bcox u claim tt u love him.

i did not totally read thru every single post in this thread, but one thing i noe is getting ur boyfren to quit smoking isn't the best thing to do when ur relationship is at such a status. everybody who has IQ noe tt smoking is a health hazard, so it is very obvious tt it is a personal choice which he made. And frankly speaking, if he were to quit smoking, he would have "done it for you" when both of u are in honeymoon period, cox tts when the 'madly in love' couples will agree to everything each other says.

Looking at the things u r thinking of, i feel tt u are practically scaring ur boyfren off. When both of u r already having differences on minor issues, what makes u think tt it can be resolved after marriage? You already said tt he agreed to open the joint account out of pressure, it tt insufficient to prove that he has no intention of getting married with you, period?

My case is very similar with you. I have been with my boyfren for around 5-6 years. We r of the same age, but different mentality.
The usual question ppl ask will b: how long u all together already?
followed by: " when u all getting married?"
FYI, my answer would always be, "i do not intend to marry him."
The following question would be: "why leh?"
then i'll reply: "because our mentality is different n we are not really suitable to be each other's lifetime partner.
The last question (the one which im still trying to solve), is: " then y r u still with him?"
sometimes, i will feel because i love him. but sometimes i feel tt being together is making both of us miserable. because we love each other, we wanna accomodate to each other's needs. but when we do so, not only we will feel 'unhappy', but the other party will b affected as well bcox they noe tt u dun feel good about it. tts why till now, i have not found the answer to question, or should i say, i can't make a decision.

Hence, i learn to take things abit easier. If he wanna smoke, let him lor. he oso not idiot wad, he should noe tt smoking is bad for health. yes, we can remind him, but dun do tt too often, bcox it can b very irritating. Or maybe playfully make a bet with him, den if he lose, u can limit the amount of cigs he take in a day. MAke it fun instead of showing of naggy n irritating u r..

Anyway, just take it in your stride. If u do not wish to wait for him, den cool off n think of what u r really looking for in a man. If what u have stated in the list cannot b found in him, den it's pretty obvious tt he does not suit u. There maybe alot of possible choices(men) which you might develop a relationship with in your lifetime, but its not easy to find someone which suits u and can spend the rest of ur life with you. So, i suggest tt u act fast and think about what u wan if u cannot afford to wait. Lastly, i would like to stress one of my point stated above - Don't change ur partner to someone who u think he should be, or make him do thing because u think it is 'right'.

gd luck.
 
/Quote: then how about planning his minor routine activity like dental visit, offer to help do his proj if he doesnt finish on time bcoz he did it last min etc etc is controlling him also?

Yongqin,

Reading the above reminds me of my mum. And no, its not controlling.. its mothering. Thats what my mum does when my brother (age 28) fails to find his backbag for his ns reservice. She kept asking him if he can borrow from his friends, whether he had borrowed and what are his plans to find the bag. Infact, I think if she knows the contacts of his other friends, she might start dialing their nos. to check for him.

And the other end, my bro just take it easy and felt its irritating to hear those nags from my mum. End of the day, he still didnt find any backbag. I hasn't ask him what happen in the camp because I know it will work out somehow or other with/without the bag.

I had told my mum many times... whatever the conseque.. its my bro's choice and his responsibility to take it up. Thats it. You cant be mothering him forever.

In case you think your case is different, my mum does the same thing when my bro is still schooling. Near the project dateline, she will be so worried for him. I still remember she helped him typing out his project cause she thinks he's out of time. Sound familiar?

Quit trying to mother him. If he got to rush his project last min, then so be it. He's old enough to think/plan his own schedule. Why the need to even help him schedule the dentist appointment?

Just to share, my hb's dental visit is also dued. I don't book/ schedule the visit for him. Only shared with him the few nice ones which I went before when he brought it up. That's it. He got his own schedule to plan and decide which one is good for himself.
 
yongqin,

the couple shouldn't be blinded with all the sub-marriage issues when they are obviously not ready for each other during the dating process.
or shld they simply marry for HDBs, joint accounts, 'left on the shelf' kind of reasons?
 
Actually if i were to firmly break off with my bf i would have done so long ago. Be it past,currently or the future i dont even plan to break off with him ever. And i dont change bf just bcoz this one refused to marry me or not suitable for me, im willing to wait and improve on it.

Im the 'si xin yan' type, my close gf knows me v well, although im stubborn but is soft hearted most of the times.

My main aim to start this post is to ask for advice on to improve the r/s. Diff ppl have diff views & I thanks all for the advice. But agn, saying is easy but really gona do it, sometimes its really hard of it.

I heard of a saying, something like love is about learning to love someone imperfect for u, to go thru it. But love isnt more of finding the right one for u... something etc... Heard of it?
 
yongqin, like you have said .. diff people have different views .. so why are you asking such trivial things like how often a couple should talk on the phone .. to compare?

i don't mean to demean you but it just sounds like you're not ready for a relationship .. let alone marriage.
 
Yongqin: it depends I guess... I have friends who told me that they seldom talk after they passed the 3rd yr of their r/s, etc.. But i guess a daily conversation (i.e. either a long or short talk) is the general case?
 
Do u mean that ppl who ask trivial things meaning they are not ready for relationship? My purpose is not to compare, purpose is just wanting to know for couples who have dated for long time, generally how often they chatted on the phone.

It is just like how frens will normally talk about their r/s, their frens lifestyle etc..

Cuclainne ur too harsh w/o knowing my meaning. I thought over at the post we can talk anything under the sun? I dont think there should be any restriction or exceptions.
 
Yongqin, at times, we know that when we ask stuffs, we are not comparing etc, but at times, we can't help but might recall why my friends' bfs are doing this, doing that and start to look at our own situations. It is important to have a strong and healty attitude about what you realli want despite faced with negative thoughts and circumstances.
happy.gif
 
Hi Yong Qin,

I don't mean to be harsh to you when you seems so sad but you sounds like a naive little girl who equals quantity of phone calls with love.

My hubby likes to call me all the time and koikoi's hubby talks only 5-10mins to her.
That does not mean my hubby loves me more and koikoi's hubby loves her less.

Love can convey through actions, thoughts and behaviour too.
 
I was feeling nothing, y? I know yr gd intention bt u should also undstd that sometimes due to circumstances and others, naturally we tend to think or even compare. There is no perfection. I know ur giving gd advice but i feel seem like doing perfection similar.

SOme of u v harsh towards jill leh, outsiders can talk easily or clearer coz they are not in the r/s but once they step into it they might think/do likewise.
 
This isnt my 1st r/s but my past r/s were all short lifespan. I also think im naive, like my close gf always said. As time passes, couple tend to talk less on phone thats natural. But i just think to maintain some phone calls occasionally, shouldnt be too much to ask for.

Of course the other factors are most impt factors also.
 
hi yongqin,

again. its the same point. Do not be concerned over using things to measure or quantify. The best benchmark is simply happiness. If you are not happy, meeting everyday and calling non-stop also no point. Every relationship is different and everyone have different needs and requirement. To some, calling and meeting everyday also not enough while others don't like to even talk over the phone.

Personally, I don't talk too long over the phone. At most 10 mins when I'm overseas for long period. In sgp, I call my spouse only when there is the need to talk/clarify/discuss something. Else, I will just send sms for simple things.

We do the talking in the car, over meals, at home, on the bed. Not over the phone mostly. Its difficult to sustain long conversations without maintaining any physical interaction or eye contact.
 
Hi yongqin,

So now that you know my hubby likes to call all the time. Will it make you feel sad?

Then, for SM is 5mins, then you will feel happy?
 
I agree with what Milo says.. and most of my guys' friends told me the same thing too.. They don't like to talk on the phone etc. As for my hubby, though we meet up everyday for lunches and dinners, we still spend about 0.5 hours to talk on the phone on weekdays (i.e. only stop the phone conversations while he stays over on weekends). One of my gf wasn't happy with her fiance when she heard this, insisted that they mus do the same way; which to me isn't healthy. Each couple has their ways / styles of maintaining a r/s, and thus at times, it is better not to know so much.. If we are happy, no frequent conversations are needed and it is good enuff that we kept our partners in our hearts..
 
Yongqin,

if u need a gauge, the right amount should leave both of u happy and looking forward to the next phone call or meeting up.

There is no point maintaining any phone call if it doesn't even have that effect on you both.
 
as of now, i have not heard from the husband and he's not heard from me .. lol .. mostly we would have only one phone call during the workday and that's to fix whether or not i need him to come and fetch me and the children .. less than 2 minutes.

like milo says, we can do the talking in the car, over meals, at home, etc ..
 


nope yongqin, i've never heard of that saying and even it was being said, i bet i would have close both ears at that very moment. i do think that it is the favourite line for a marriage counsellor?

u are gonna kill ur bf one day, or vice versa for that matter, if the relationship is based on staying together forcefully for the sake of some false belief, such as "physically-but-not-emotionally attached".

it tries to psycho us that a dating couple shld continue to date each other despite glaring differences, or that a married couple shld stay married because they have a marriage cert. it is purely crap if we have to deceive ourselves to be convinced of loving each other.

think deeper.... that's what the saying tries to preach, isn't it?

for me, the dating phrase is pretty crucial as there would be some "habitual or big-time flaws" and we have to ask ourself honestly - can we live with it for the rest of our lives?
 
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