Love but cant work...

Y

yongqin

Member
I am 28 while my bf is 25. We been together for 2.5yrs. Initially everything was sweet as usual but I am still who I am, meaning I like to throw temper, unreasonable at times etc. He tried withstanding, but after 1yr, he couldn’t take it and after a severe argument I initiated to cool down first. Aft which when I wanted to patch back he wanted to break off saying we cant get along, he tried but to no avail etc. We nearly broke up and I was packing my things at his home in the end he was soft hearted and we make up.

Aft which of course I tried to change til now its about 1.5yrs later. U should know a person in borne character is somehow hard to change esp overnight, I am not excusing myself but indeed I felt myself changed to an extent to my temperaments, the way I do things etc. But of course not changed entirely. Yet I myself do admit that I am v sticky to him and v caring, loving towards him. In fact more than him to me. Of course we still argue a lot, and I feel that I don’t undstd y he is angry at me, or he is at fault. Sometime I do realize im wrong and I apologise. I told him, we have to admit our fault when its so, and most or all times Im the one making peace after cold war. He is the quiet type, even after we makeup he don’t initiate to talk about the argument cause. I don’t even care about my dignity.

Actually sometimes he is really a nice guy I feel, he will listen if I wanted to talk. Sometime I feel that he is trying to change or even to make up for me when he is busy over wkend for wk, or try to bring me to somewhere if I wanted. But sometime he gets lazy and refuse or after nagging then he obey. He will let me decide for some of the minor issues, except sometime if he really refuse then I wont ask him to do it. Till now we still nearly broke up and patch up few times.

I admit sometime I am too temperament and didn’t try to undstd him, or misundstd him. But I admitted to him. He saying that sometime he feel he is at fault but looking the way I behave, he don’t even wish to make peace or initiate to find me thereafter. I find the same old prob always bother us. I am more sticky and expect a more loving, constant or more attention from my bf. But he expect the more independent type, nevertheless he still try to adhere to me. Sometimes we are indeed funny or talk crap, or sweet. Sometimes we argue a lot.. For minor issues. I duno isit our character prob or my own prob or others. I also try to adhere to him, listen to his advise to change myself. I really love and treasure him a lot, if I wanted to breakup I would have firmly decided on it long ago.

At times when my emptions get the hold of me, i will lecture him over msg or face to face (not the scolding type), yet thereafter Im always the one to inititate make peace, be it whoever is at fault. Sometimes i try to control my emotions by just keeping quiet when im unhappy but he can tell from my face expressions.

We even have our own savings account but that’s nothing to do with marriage. He is afraid as thinking of the present situation, make him fear of the future. Also is due to his age problem and background as his & my family have a lot of divorcees… He also just started his career 3yrs and studying he wished to have a better foundation as to more earnings & better position at work before commitment. But I knew the main reason of not marrying is due to our getting along issue.

I have told him all my concerns and fear of waiting to marry him. I don’t mind coz I love him, but I don’t know if I am waiting in vain… He knew I wanted to b married with 2-3yrs time but he also wished to improve relation before marrying, he don’t wish to settle for another divorce if we couldn’t get along, that makes him feel we wont be lasting. Which I am sad.

sometimes i feel he is caring towards me, he let me decide those minor issues but sometimes i feel he quite bochap or doesnt really care much for me, i duno isit me myself asking too much or too sensitive.

I am a born crybaby, can only cry whenever im upset of our matters. And he knew it at times also.

He always i say i think too much of those negative thoughts and like to overimagine. I hope to settle down happily with this man.
 


Yongqin: that might be one of the concerns of being with someone who is a little younger than you. Their mentality might differs and of course both of you might be going through different phrases, whereby you are thinking of settling down but he wants to focus on his career. Hmm.. You might want to cool down by urself when you feel that your emotions are getting over you? We say different things when we are angry or when we have calmed or cooled down. I believe he feels that arguments might cause a rift in a r/s, this is true, however, we can't deny that arguments can strength one r/s too.. Moreover, which couples don't undergo arguments? 2 different individuals come together in a r/s and thus, we have to compromise our needs and expectations at times. Since you mentioned that your bf hopes that you can be independent, why not you might want to have sometime spent with your friends rather than him? We don't have to stick to our partners at 24 hrs, being apart at times can make the heart fonder. ")
 
we do argue quite often and sometime just bcoz of something i said in a fit of anger,that made him mad. he always said im petty to get fuss up or angry over minor issue, but i believe its all the minor things that make up everything. And only thru daily routine that shows how much concern a pax is showing for another etc.

SOmetime i admit im petty sometime i dont. He say we always get upset over trivial things when those major issue like cheating, lying, flirting etc hasnt even appear in our life.

Although he may wish me to be independent more,but yet he at times still offer to send me to his house, to have meal together at wkends aft wk, or others as he try to make up to me if he didnt have time to accompany me usually.

Most of the times when i talked to him about our issue, he will listen quietly he often do not speak up, but he does reply at times.

Sometimes its really his bochap or not so caring attitude towards me that piss me off. But i did as & when mention it to him. Im always afraid of him mentioning breakup to me.

As whenever he quiet during cold war, i dont know wats going on in his mind. So i scared to leave him alone... Sometime i send few msg or even look for him (but not often)
 
It is true that small things in our lives make up for the overall picture but you mus also understand that at times, it is better to let it go rather than argue over it. Moreover, it is always a better option to discuss things rather than arguing over things? To you, it might be a form of care and concern, but to him, it might mean that you are picking on stuffs? A couple has to agree on the conclusion that was decided; guys and gals think differently on a lot of things... And simply there isn't a need to look at every single detail in a r/s.
 
yongqin: know how you feel! For me it was because I wanted to solve these 'minor' problems early, before they get out of hand in the future, or it becomes a habit; I wanted perfection in my relationship, and I couldn't really tolerate any flaws. But then I realized that it had an adverse effect instead. Perfection was what I might have attained, but at what price? Further isolating your partner from yourself is something that's really very sad, and something that I'm trying very hard to prevent too =(
 
Just put yourself in the shoes of your partners, would you still be truthful or simply not revealing the subject is it is the same subject that causes argument? Overtime, a drift might happen.
 
"Perfection was what I might have attained, but at what price?"

Perfection is a perception. Nothing is perfect, the intolerance to imperfection itself is a major flaw.

Respect your partner. Don't expect or force them to change. If they are not comfortable to open up, influence them to be able to let go naturally and willingly. We cannot literally force communication instead it will only shut communication.
 
Agree, it all simply boils down to our own mindset; if we are perfect in things we have done, in our life etc. This might not be the same for other who perceive of us, humans tend to take more notice in hearing / caring for what they like to hear.
 
I am a lady who is like waiting for him to marry me, he is aware. Yet he is still fearing of my temperaments in future if we were to get married.

I understand what u all mean, but i just hope he can initiate peace whenever we argue, at times. As it takes 2hands to clap to make a r/s work. I am the sort of woman who believe that true love can withstand many or everything. So im willing to give us more time.

But he is like opposite, couldnt withstand much r/s pressure, thus he isnt confident of us maintaining a r/s or even marriage life good enough. He seldom admit his fault, i know man tend to be more egoistic.
 
Not realli, it depends on the man's character and if he realli think that the fault might lies in him. True love can withstand a lot of things but however, in this current world we are living, true love consists of a lot of other factors, which one of it includes compromises. Would you enjoy to having someone around who always argue with you over trivial things?
 
Our frequent hang out areas during wkday/wkend is always his home to watch tv or gaming. As he is the sort who like to stay home all times. Except when his frens asked him for movie. Luckily its not flirting outside.

Actually as & when i offer to go gym or shopping or sentosa etc once in a while he will get all lazy as usual, and hesitant alot. I dont mind to stay at his house always as long i get to b with him, but couple do need to exchange some interest. I believe this isnt too much to ask for.
 
Also i wanted to help him quit smoking which has been his habit since he was young. I tried giving him nicorette sweet when we first met, but he stopped after taking a few.

Then i tried to keep his cig and limit him but he tend to always take it back instead, and im afraid this will push him further so i stopped.

He ever quit smoking during his school days for his ex but he said due to his ex was very much concern and asked him everyday how much he smoke for that particular day etc. So he quit automatically for her. Once they broke off, he started again.

I dont wish to follow his ex method coz we are different, and i couldnt think of ways to help him slowly cut down and eventually stop. It takes long time i undstd but we have to start off from somewhere.

He didnt cut down his cig limit constantly as he is always stress by our r/s thing, his wk, his study etc etc.

Also, his childhood fren recently divorced his wife due to other issues so I believe this more or less influence him in terms of our r/s thingy. Sometime i see him getting sian or troubled or quiet, and i just casually ask what was bothering him, he simply said nothing and continue gaming... Maybe he feel that talking to me is pointless as i dont undstd or i cant help him much.
 
There will be more sparks in a r/s when the couple does share the common interest. Hmm.. what are his hobbies? Perhaps you might share something common from there?
 
Don't assume something just coz you can't get any concluded / certain ans from your partner, assumptions will only lead you to feeling insecure? Other than that, is he or could he also being bothered over something else? And also, he might be worried about his childhood friend etc, which leads him to be a little more quiet than usual. At times, guys need their own space to think about/thru things..
 
Why do u want to marry him so much when there is so much worries?? Issues don't just vapourize. You need to be able to progressively work and improve on it, else it will always be there.

You want to marry him but not willing to accept the real him. Are you in love with your own view of what a partner should be or with the real person?
 
I duno i just love him thus i wanted to marry him. Maybe my thinking are just simple or naive to settle down with someone i love.
 
Loving or having strong emotions with someone doesn't mean we need to be with him/her for a lifetime.

We need to look at realistic issues. Compatibility in basic communication, commitment, goals, values are key to sustain any long lasting relationship. There are bound to be people that we would fall for emotionally. We don't need to marry every single one of them. We only need to find the right one at the right timing.

ASK YOURSELF.... Are the both of you suited? No one can tell u this. You need to find that out for yourselves. There are those that only find out after marriage and hence Divorce or separation. Also, people change and it can be beyond the control of them or their partners.
 
If I dont love the real him ,i wouldnt be the one always making peace with him. I done alot else which i myself is definitely sure i love him more than anything else
 
I know, there are even couples who get along so well and married, only then realise they arent suitable and divorce eventually. Its hard to know if a person can stay long with u, things can improve it can also get worsen.

Maybe if thats the case to the extent, then its best not to marry at all coz we nvr know whether anyone will end up in divorce as no one can predict the future isnt it? The safest way like wat u said.
 
well.... u love him so much that you want to mould him to something he isn't. Which is why I suggest that you are more in love with an illusion than the true him.

The purpose isn't to criticize but for you to really think for yourself. WHAT you really want and need. If you realize there is no way he can match that expectation of yours, then how? These are your things you should really think about before you even say you want to marry him.

This is not about being simple minded. Just a decision to ignore and push issues under the carpet in hope that it will change. Its like buying 4D and hoping to strike 1st prize. Yes, its definitely possible. But one has to balance the stake vs the gain. If I would to risk it, it gotta be something well thought of.
 
i personally feel u love the effort, time and patience u've invested in him, more than him. u just think u love him, but it's the investments made in him that u dun wanna lose out on...

if u love him, the smoking, the short patience won't be there, understanding would be present.

he should reconsider u as a partner becos from what i see, his life will be controlled by u. for now u do what he wants is becos u bo pian... not becos u really wanna do it... u think that doing all these - soon u will get your rewards.

your relationships is more like the type whereby u buy a stock counter and hope u get dividends... but it goes down, and when market is good it also doesn't seem to perform. u dun wanna lose out nor cut your losses, so u just keep holding on to this counter...
 
yongqin:it is hard to force them to quit...i tried persuading my bf to quit before...but i gave up after a while...in the end he himself stopped smoking when we decided to apply for a hse and start our next chapter of life...by forcing him...u are giving him more pressure and he might end up smoking more...if they r really determined to quit...they can do it anytime one...

and i used to have a problem similar to urs...my bf likes to spend his weekends at home watching dvd...slacking around...i like swimming...he likes basketball instead...so ultimately we found a common hobby...badminton...

if u just love him only...then dun force him to change ba...accept him as he is...most guys do not like girls trying to rule their life or change their lifestyles..to them they feel v stressed...ultimately u will just drive him further away lo...
 
I know wat u mean. Dont misundstd. Maybe bcoz he is bit different from how he behave the initial stage when we first together, but i know usually couples tend to get loving at first and passion dies down thereafter its common. There are many things we should learn to move on w/o looking or comparing to the past.

I dont mean that he entirely couldnt match my expectations. I also find that he did try to suit or adhere to me. Thats wat i find him sweet towards me.

I wish i wouldnt have love him so much at least i will have not think of our r/s that much. My past r/s i seldom get so work up or affected that much by other ex before.
 
your relationship full of apologising and saying sorry... not tired meh? and the thing is - u already know u shouldn't do certain things yet u still do it... vice versa. obviously at time of committing, there's no self-control...
 
Every couple has their own issues but we mus also understand that marriage is a commitment and of course, we have to try hard to hold on to this commitment once we made them. Both parties have to think the same way; that they are meant for each other to make it work.
 
He is very disorganize and last min on his study/personal schedule even his family commented so. So as his gf i just wish to set for him properly his schedule, not plan 100% thru out, im just referring to certain schedule.

Rest of the day if he do not wish to go anywhere else i will just leave him and stay at his house with him. His family have health history record so i dont wish him to be the next, thus i hope to help him quit smoking. Its been long since i last 'force' him to quit, nowadays i just ask him to smoke less thats all.

ya i agree sometime i really couldnt control my emotions when i get upset or angry. Now i have changed my sentence to wat i told him, instead of forcing to be together. I said if we couldnt make it in the end but at least we know we tried.

Times when i really want to pack and leave when we are about to break up (coz he initiated), he got soft hearted instead. I also find keep apologising very tiring so i duno how to improve
 
Hi yongqin,
"but i know usually couples tend to get loving at first and passion dies down thereafter its common. There are many things we should learn to move on w/o looking or comparing to the past."

I fully with that. It doesn't take alot of effort to fall in love. When we look for a lifetime partner, we don't only look at emotions. That's one of the key aspect but not the only one. We look for someone that is suitable and likely to be committed to sustain the romance together. Couple learn and grow together. One of the reason why relationship fades is because they expect it to but do nothing to maintain or rekindle the sparks. So, they grow apart NATURALLY.

For me, this is key in a marriage. You need to find someone that you are confident to last a lifetime. There is no guarantee for sure. But, we need to have the strong foundation to be confident enough to sustain low periods. This is really basic in a marriage for me. No matter how much I feel for someone, I will never consider to marry her without this commitment.

If you are not even sure about accepting his smoking or how u guys manange simple disagreements, I find it so ironic for you to be waiting to marry him. Waiting is hopeless... its pure gamble. You work together with him towards the marriage, not wait. Say yes only when u guys are ready.
 
Yongqin, u have to find that out.

no one can lead you by the nose to tell you, this is good for you. You need to take a step back and think for yourself, your future and needs.

All I can say is, marriage is not just a piece of paper. When one fails to plan, they could hardly cry foul or claimed they were cheated. Yes, that could be true but why did we choose to be blind all the time? Compatiblilty is something very subjective.... its depends so much on what you can and cannot tolerate. If you think about it, our thinking changes with time. We mature and become less persistent of things and learn to cherish what really matters. Things that doesn't matter, why insist for them to change? Its really going back to basics to know what MATTERS for you. Its not a long list of things that you need your partner to change. But rather simple fundamental things that you need to be aligned to be truly happy together.

This is the reason why its all about finding the right one at the right time.
 
i admit im quite immature in that sense, sometime quite demanding. But i treasure him alot and not something like afraid of losing my dividends or dont wana lose out on my investmt or anything im v sure.

its hard to maintain a r/s ... i think too much till my hair turn grey on the top of the head.. See, my fren ask me have u been thinking too much till yr few (luckily few strand only) white hair only grow on the top of the head?
 
it takes just 'love' for a couple to be together...but it takes alot more than love to sustain a relationship and ultimately a marriage...compromising...trust...tolerance...just to name a few...

if u really want him to quit smoking...u can suggest to him to cut down slowly...like from 20 sticks to 15...den 6 mths later to 10 sticks...

U are waiting for him to marry u...ask urself...if he were to propose right there and then...will u accept immediately without regrets accepting him totally?? if u are unsure...maybe u really should not be thinking abt the marriage and should instead reconsider ur r/s
 
Thinking is good. But it should be constructive. i.e. to build and improve or learn lessons from mistakes. Not to poison yourself with negativity and misery.
 
yes i will hesitate about marry away right now coz i be afraid of all the issues we are facing now. Its contradicting. Its not im afraid to be left on the shelf, i jus want to be with the one i love.

I did sugets to him on the slowly cut down issue, and ask him to be consistent but i didnt push him for long ago.
 
your relationship seems to be u asking him to do this, do that, change this, change that... Am i wrong?

what has he asked u to do/change?
 
Hmm.. love is a feeling that can/cannot grow stronger as the couple matures. The pace and mentality, chemistry and the comtaibility issues are the critical factors.
 
My bf is a very nice guy, he give in a lot to me...somehow I know that he isnt the type for me to settle down although I knew that he will make a wonderful husband...isnt life funni??? when you have something, you wont cherish...it's always the case...
 
How much are you willing to tolerate/ accept him for who he is, and how much do you need to change him into the person you can live with? Keep in mind everyone can change only to a certain extent...even if it for love sake...
 
I admit i try to change him to an extent, he also try to change me as he asked me to do this,that also, it wks both ways definitely. My bf been trying to change somehow for me i can see it & i appreciate, of course i dont expect 100%, i also did my best to improve for him.

But i also mention to him no matter wat, there is nothing anyone can do to change 100% coz thats not the real person anymore & the changes wont last unless u wana change it yrself.

I wont force or keep urging him to change for me, just like he ask me not to do certain things sometime i also repeat. The same for him. This is human nature i cant blame him entirely. I aldy undstd the logic.

Thus nowadays whenever he repeat something i dont like, i just try to keep quiet or just say once & thats it. Now my main point is to get along peacefully and to be sweet,loving as possible.
 
why talk about change this, change that when u firmly believe that u have the rights to get angry over trival issues?

and at the other spectrum, he is not firm enough.....
 
When we start to love/like the person, we dun go into it for the sake of changes, but however, there are bound to be changes that we will make to accommdate and thus this is called compromising with each other needs and wants. Yongqin, a good improvment, it is always easier to maintain a sweet loving r/s rather than a r/s of patching up after any arguments.
happy.gif
 
Although human are hard to change esp guys, but in r/s no matter which side, there r certain things which both parties need to try to sustain r/s. Like their temperament, their undstd level, their initiative etc.

Like no matter how, both parties still need to occasional make calls, go out together, talk to each other, confiding etc. These are the basic.

I dont want him to fail his exam bcoz of his last min to rush up his 3proj thus I offer to help him if he wants. And if i dont ask him, i feel that its like not caring for him.

His house is messy i initiate to pack w/o complaining always, coz i know he is like that. He smoke alot, i can only ask him to cut down occasionally thats all coz the rest depends on him.
 
We don't love someone trying to change them into who we want but loving them for who they are. At the same time instead of trying to change them, we improve on ourselves to be a better partners for them.
 
now that u slightly elaborate on the joint efforts.....
it seems to me that you are disliking the shirt that he used to wear - u now angrily criticise the colour, design, style - and ironically, that attracts ur attention at the start.

who else to make peace when u started it first?

as the wearer, he prob feels that it might be beneficial to be just a model than engaging u in another senseless battle. nothing got to do with wits hor..... more like forced accomodation.
 
Yongqin: personally, I think you are thinking more on what you have done and the efforts that you have put in in this r/s.. Try to look at what he had done and appreciate it. Cherish them and be contented. Being contented is the key factor of happiness and this is always a learning journey and process in life.
 
so if my bf ask me to control my temperament just like i ask him, does it means that we shouldnt do that as we should luv them for who they are, then we shouldnt be together coz we naturally who we are.
 
i have nvr critise his body built,attire sense.

Then wat should i react if he say that im petty over minor issues? But i get over it v fast always
 
That's why I say at times, it is healtier to turn a blind eye over trival matters. This will helps to improve the r/s.. Eg: my hubby has a habit of leaving the newspaper in the room after he finished it, I know that this is one of his usual habits but this is also a trivial matter too though I dun fancy of this habit.. Thus, I choose to take it out from the room after I've finished reading it. My hubby knows that and thus at times he makes an effort to do it too (if he remembers).. In this scenario, we dun argue and in a way, the r/s gets better as we both know that we are doing things for each other..
 


since u don't get my analogy, i can tell u straight-up that it's your character, and not so much on incompatiblity between u two....

because i doubt many guys can withstand your need to pick on issues with anger...
and the thing is, u are convinced that u are right on this.

and for him, he'd rather stay silent since he is not firm to break up with u.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

M
Highly recommend Mr Surein Sandrasageran!
Replies
0
Views
82
miso2512
M
C
Cheong Yip Kwong, William - The Wedding Solemniser From Hell
Replies
0
Views
2K
Chewmida
C
T
Confession of a married woman
Replies
0
Views
4K
Troublegal20246
T
P
Edward Foong - Fantastic Experience!
Replies
0
Views
899
pinkbeanjy
P
C
My Honest Pre-Wedding Shoot Experience — I’m Still Wondering If We Were Misled - Z Wedding by Chris Ling Photography
Replies
0
Views
522
Cocoyrnuts
C

Back
Top