Lost - when do you decide that enough is enough?

L

lost1983

New Member
Hi,

New to this forum here but need some advice. Got married 2 years ago. I guess I changed a lot after we got married and have the following issues in my marriage:

- I am not happy. I want to move back to Singapore but my husband is reluctant to do so. We had an understanding before the marriage that we would settle down in Singapore but he seems to have reneged on this

- My needs are not being met. My husband does not listen to my inputs and consider my feelings. This is in respect to the house furnishings, the location we are living, the duration of our holidays...

- We have different values. I discovered that a part of me desires adventure and craves excitement. My husband is contented with a simple life and career and has no desire to take any risks.

I don't love him anymore. We fight every weekend and he says he is unhappy at home too. I want to file for a divorce but I am really scared that I will not be able to get married again and will die lonely with no kids. I want to get an annulment but my husband is bitter and refuses to cooperate - he prefers to destroy me so that I can never remarry. I regret my marriage. I am 30 this year and I don't know what to do. I am extremely hesitant to have kids with him because I don't love him anymore. Please advise what you would do if you are in my shoes.
 


in the nutshell, you don't even know what you want. Fear uncertainty but yet you want out. Until you know what you really want, better that you remain in this shit hole and reflect, discover yourself.
 
well, a shithole is still a shithole...

if i were in ur shoes, i'd pack up (quietly) and move back to sg.

no need to rush a divorce...

1st thing to do is to break the status quo.
 
well.... not the first time to read how shitty the relationship and how much one wanted out. Then, rotti prata flip, the next moment, lovey dovey and she is willing to forgive and give it another try. I wouldn't be so sure. When someone is this uncertain, its better to sort out the mind before making any decision. How shitty can it be that she is continuing to be in it and fearing to move on.
 
so u suggest TS to stay in the so called "shithole" to reflect and rediscover herself cos she said "she's really scared that she will not be able to get married again and will die lonely with no kids"?

what if they go the family way in between flip-flop moments of lovey dovey sweet nothings and i loathe you's, only to finally call it quits?

messier dun u think?

well i think for TS to break out from the vicious cycle is better than getting stuck in a shithole" waiting for things to happen.
 
Most committed, intimate and romantic relationships begin with a foundation of friendship. The couple that builds a strong friendship in the early years of marriage will be more likely to weather the challenges of the later years. Unfortunately, many couples believe that finding one’s soul mate is the goal, and that once they have found the perfect mate, the love between the two of them will take care of any challenges that arise. Marriage has to be nurtured and savoured and preserved through regular actions that build the foundation of friendship.


I wouldn't give up, keep talking to each other and I don't know you or your husband but from my experience, GO TO COUNSELLING !!! no ifs, ands or buts about it. #1 you have to continue to communicate #2 you BOTH have to find out why this has happened #3 then after you both have the facts make a decision that you both can live with.


I wish the best for you and your family. Remember to stay true to your feelings. Friends and family may mean well but only you know how you feel and what it is that you want. They mean well but don't let there thoughts and feelings cloud your own. Also, take a step back right now, take some time for you. Remember only you can take care of you.
 
Perhaps both of you can agreed to be separated for a period of time? say a month, to clear up thoughts? You need your quiet personal space to think about what you want in life?, do you still love him?, why do both of us end up in the current states? is there a communication breakdown? when started? why does it started? is there anything you could have done to help the situation?

Another suggestion is to go for marriage counselor (this are easily available in Singapore Family Centre and it is free) , this is provided both of you are keen to find that what is wrong in the relationship, the counselor there are quite professional and hopefully he can give you some pointers.
 
orangepie said:
Perhaps both of you can agreed to be separated for a period of time? say a month, to clear up thoughts? You need your quiet personal space to think about what you want in life?, do you still love him?, why do both of us end up in the current states? is there a communication breakdown? when started? why does it started? is there anything you could have done to help the situation?

Another suggestion is to go for marriage counselor (this are easily available in Singapore Family Centre and it is free) , this is provided both of you are keen to find that what is wrong in the relationship, the counselor there are quite professional and hopefully he can give you some pointers.
Click to expand...


Seeing counsellor at Family Service Centre isn't free, the counselling fee is between $10-$40 depending on your household (gross) income. It offers free counselling if you are from lower income family. Alternative, there are free counselling service I came across you can check it out: http://www.phing.com/announcements-notices/announcements-notices_1/free-counselling-services-workshopstalks_i3660
 
The story very similar to mine. I want to stay in Singapore but my wife just refuses to. Once the 3 years is up, i will proceed for divorce. It is the right way to go.
 
Hi sharingNcaring, i am not sure why you say that it is chargable, when i called the family service centre and told them i needed help in my marital problem, they immediately assign a marriage counselor for me. On our first session, we did fill up our particulars, we are of the average income and were not asked to pay anything. The counselors there were professional and they came to provide this service voluntarily.
 
@Junkie, as long as it remains someone else suggestion, TS is unlikely to get out of the mess. The biggest mess is in her head right now. "I don't love him anymore. We fight every weekend and he says he is unhappy at home too. I want to file for a divorce but I am really scared that I will not be able to get married again and will die lonely with no kids."

Pretty much sum up her screw up priorities. Nevermind the fighting and no love. She just don't want to be alone and die without children.
 
orangepie said:
Hi sharingNcaring, i am not sure why you say that it is chargable, when i called the family service centre and told them i needed help in my marital problem, they immediately assign a marriage counselor for me. On our first session, we did fill up our particulars, we are of the average income and were not asked to pay anything. The counselors there were professional and they came to provide this service voluntarily.
Click to expand...


Fei Yue Family Service Centre
Counselling fees:
Monthly Family Income Fees Per Session
1. Below $1500 F.O.C.
2. $1501-$2000 $5
3. $2001-$2500 $10
4. $2501-$3000 $15
5. $3000-$3500 $20
6. $3501-$4000 $25
7. $4001-$4500 $30
8. $4501-$5000 $35
9. $5001 & above $50

Care Corner Singapore
Counselling Fee(Counsellor) $30.00
(Senior Counsellor) $50.00

 
milo,

to me, this is the focal point of her post:

"I want to get an annulment but my husband is bitter and refuses to cooperate - he prefers to destroy me so that I can never remarry. I regret my marriage. I am 30 this year and I don't know what to do. I am extremely hesitant to have kids with him because I don't love him anymore"

smell something? hopefully, there's no real deal here.
 
can't tell from the short post, we are seen many cases in the forum. One moment, wants out, marriage is completely hopeless, guy is mean, no love etc. The next, they come back saying, she had those thought in moment of anger, she is willing to give it another try, actually, he has many other good points. blah blah blah.

Drama roti prata with the emotions and perception, nothing really surprising.
 
yes, definitely. I am just pointing that I'm skeptical on her conviction to make the decision. She basically disappear after one post.
 
2 months have passed and how has it been? By not thinking about it, has anything changed? Are you still as undecided between your fear and lousy marriage?
 
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